TTCAL week of 2/19/18

coco2787 · February 2018

Thank you for that @galactickates. I often feel bad complaining because I’ve “only” had 2 losses and I’ve only been TTC for 5 months and others have been at it for years and have the uncertainty of whether or not they’ll get to become a mother. My heart breaks for those who have struggled more but it doesn’t mean I should be telling myself that I don’t have a right to feel my pain too.

mrsdrez · February 2018

I never got to see any ultrasounds. I went for one on a Friday and there was a pregnancy in the uterus, and a heartbeat (a weak one, but still, a heartbeat). When I went back on Monday there was no heartbeat. No one offered to show me anything. I didn't ask. Part of me wishes I could have seen something, but I guess the other part of me is glad that I didn't. Now hopefully the first ultrasound I see is of the baby that I'm taking home.

holly321 · February 2018

Maybe I am in the minority, but I wish I did have the ultrasound from my more recent loss.

dragonette505 · February 2018

@mrsdrez @holly321 I totally get it... I do have some take home ultrasounds from pregnancies which for me is great while it’s progressing... me, I just didn’t want ultrasounds after the babies died

but i totally get wanting something from that baby.

kindbytealikat · February 2018

@dragonette505 same here. I was cleaning out my bag the other day and found the ultrasound from this last lost, the one with a flicker of a heartbeat. I couldn’t keep it, it’s to heartbreaking for me to see. I have my remembrance stones for my babies and that is healing for me.

galactickates · February 2018

@kindbytealikat - did you make the remembrance stones or did you buy them from some where? Now I need to Google this. That's something I'd be interested in

kindbytealikat · February 2018

@galactickates by Stone I meant birthstone for the month I lost them. The green is Ben who we lost in August and the red is for Angel who we lost in January

dragonette505 · February 2018

@galactickates @kindbytealikat I have been looking at some of these for months but just recently found something I think I like:

Image: https://us.v-cdn.net/5020794/uploads/editor/xm/0fzr3kla5tgr.png

Image: https://us.v-cdn.net/5020794/uploads/editor/ti/djtst55g1gzp.png

This one might do!

galactickates · February 2018

@dragonette you sent me down the rabbit hole of etsy jewelry. I found a couple I really liked buuuuuut.... i landed on the 47k lightning opals lmao jk. But seriously they are the size of a dime and almost 50k. WTH

bakerstreetboys · February 2018

I think we all deal with loss differently, and there's no right or wrong way. I couldn't handle keeping anything from either of mine; I deleted the pictures of the + tests, threw them out, and never got an u/s picture. The only thing I haven't erased is the list of baby names on my phone, because I hope to still use it.

lin0442 · February 2018

I have my first, good u/s from my first pregnancy when we saw a heartbeat, although I don’t have one from the later visit where I found out I lost the baby. I keep it in my important papers box, and while I don’t look at it now, it doesn’t feel right to throw it out. That one u/s picture was a really good memory in an otherwise nerve-racking pregnancy, although it’s bittersweet now. I don’t think u/s will ever be a ‘fun’ milestone for me, just a relief at best.

We definitely all have our own way of remembering.

dpjennifer · February 2018

The only ultrasound I had was for the first MC and it was suspected to be molar, and they rushed me to have a D&C a few days later. I never even thought to ask for an ultrasound picture, so all I have from my PGs are the BFP tests.

coco2787 You absolutely have a right to feel your pain! Only approximately 25% of women feel the pain of a MC, and even less than that feel the pain of having more than one! As someone who’s had 4 MC and been at this for 2 ½+ years I can tell you that I don’t wish this situation on anyone. It’s profoundly changed me, and not in a good way. I wish I could be one of those people who experience trauma and grief and despair and take it all in stride and be all bubbly and optimistic about the future and encouraging to others. I desperately try to do that at times with supporting other people IRL and on TB. But, it gets so depressing seeing people come in here after their loss(es) and helping, and then seeing them get PG and go on their merry way. I don’t wish my position on anyone, but I can be bitter towards those with only one loss that get KU pretty easily afterwards with a no-problems PG, because I just want my turn. I want to know when I will get my take-home baby. And at this point, my mind is now telling me “You may never get a take home baby. You may spend the rest of your life being happy for others and never yourself in this department.” But do NOT let my bitterness get you down! Your pain and your suffering is real, and you absolutely deserve to feel that and work through it on your own time!

dragonette505 · February 2018

galactickates said:

@dragonette you sent me down the rabbit hole of etsy jewelry. I found a couple I really liked buuuuuut.... i landed on the 47k lightning opals lmao jk. But seriously they are the size of a dime and almost 50k. WTH

LOL... yeah im trying not to spend TOO much on it! lol... I need all my money for IVF!

dragonette505 · February 2018

coco2787 when it comes to loss, im not sure theres any such thing as "only" every loss is hard.

bakerstreetboys I just recently got rid of (most) of my bfp's (i admit i keep the digis until the battery stops working).

lin0442 I kept, tucked away as well, the US's i got from my longest pg's... But def didnt want an ultrasound after the babies died. My last doc was the first to ask if i wanted that.

dpjennifer MC does change you... I'm not sure how i would be if i'd had the one and then right after was able to carry to term, but like you, ive had 4 and no babies. I dont think my pain is MORE than someone who has had fewer losses, but i think its possible each subsequent loss changes you as a person more and more. I hate that any of us have to be here and working through this. I hate more that some of us may end up just like you said (and i hate the most that i fear it will be me). Sending you hugs and sharing my hope with you... because im going to try my darndest to be hopeful

kindbytealikat · February 2018

@dragonette505 from my experience having a successful pregnancy doesn't take the sting and bitter away from the losses. I can definitely see that not having any take homes is so much worse though. My heart breaks for those who can't seem to have one. My bitterness comes from those that are on kid 3/4/5 and have never had any problem. Why can they get as many as they want and I can't complete my family.

eleven_ · February 2018

@kindbytealikat I feel the same way. I told my cousin (who has 8 kids) about my losses and she told me that she feels blessed to have never had to go through a loss. It just doesn't seem fair.

dragonette505 · February 2018

kindbytealikat said:

@dragonette505 from my experience having a successful pregnancy doesn't take the sting and bitter away from the losses. I can definitely see that not having any take homes is so much worse though. My heart breaks for those who can't seem to have one. My bitterness comes from those that are on kid 3/4/5 and have never had any problem. Why can they get as many as they want and I can't complete my family.

yeah.... unfortunately theres room for all kinds of pain and loss here. I dont think one kind of pain negates another kind... we are all wounded in here in TTCAL.

dpjennifer · February 2018

dragonette505 Agreed. I don't think the pain is more, but I think loss after loss with no live baby in the picture causes the loss to be compounded, especially when paired with years of doing this, testing showing nothing, and the realization you're reaching the end of your TTC period and may be the one to draw the unlucky straw of no babies. It was like, what were these years of pain and frustration for? Like kindbytealikat it's even harder to see those who've had many children without any losses or complications live without the fear and stress that loss mothers feel. Life is unfair, and when you're on the losing end it's a bitter pill to swallow.

kindbytealikat · February 2018

I agree I don't think pain is a scale or a competition. We're all wounded we all hurt. No pain is the same for any one person. Even those in the same experiences there are always different. This is a crappy place to be but I am so grateful I have found you ladies

dragonette505 · February 2018

dpjennifer kindbytealikat agreed ladies.... this group is like a big hug. I am going to stay hopeful for each of you here.... we are still in the ball game.

clbness · February 2018

Sorry I'm creeping back on to last weeks post, but I got super busy at work and am just now getting caught up on this thread!

@zamora_spin @kindbytealikat @ChloandCoco @lokibear89 @dragonette505 @Spylon @coco2787 @holly321 @galactickates Thank you all for the warm welcome.

I hate that ANY of you ladies are here and it breaks my heart reading your stories of loss and struggles. But the support you all offer each other is truly heartwarming, inspiring and, well, pretty f**king awesome.

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