TW*First Baby advice you won’t hear anywhere else. (and hopefully a reminder to the STM, TTM, etc.)
mrs_massie
member
1. You know babies cry and keep you up all night. I don’t think anyone goes into pregnancy with the expectation that their baby will sleep through the night and sleep all day and never cry. What you might not know is how the crying will actually make you feel. When your baby cries, you will start to run through the list of things to stop your baby from crying-feeding, diaper changing, rocking, changing positions, etc. etc. etc. Sometimes babies just like to cry, especially in the evening, and sometimes no matter what you do, they will cry. The crying that you can’t stop might actually make you feel anxious. So anxious, that you start to feel anxiety every time your baby lets out a whimper, in fear that it will be another crying fit you can’t help. My advice is to just relax and if you know you’ve tried everything to help your baby, they might just want to cry and it’s OK to let them cry. I wish I had this advice with my first because I would drive myself crazy trying to get him to stop crying, when he would only stop crying all on his own in his own timing anyway.
2. Be ready to be so tired that you might cry. You’re going to miss sleeping with no interruption. You’re going to wish for just ONE night of a full sleep. The nap you take when baby is napping will never be long enough and some nights you won’t even want to eat dinner because you would rather get a head start on sleeping while your hubby has the baby. And every time you HAVE to get up from your sleep, you’re going to want to cry. My advice is to know this phase doesn’t last forever. When you’re in it and you’re exhausted, the end will feel so far away, but you will get there and you will forget what is was like to be so tired.
3. Speaking of crying…You’re going to want to cry a lot at first. EVERYTHING will make you cry. Commercials, songs, crying babies, lack of sleep, thoughtful gifts and gestures, even the decisions you have to make for your baby like “He ate an hour ago, but he’s crying. I think he’s hungry. Should I feed him again? I don’t know. Should I wait a little longer? Should I just feed him now? I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO!” *start crying*. My advice is to CRY. There is nothing you can do about it
4. The evenings will cause you to be anxious. So many moms and dads will tell you this, but there’s just something about 5pm that will make you nervous.
5. You will never think you’re a “good” Mom. Everyone will tell you how great of a job your doing and your such a good mom, but you will never believe it. You will always think you can do better and mom guilt is a real thing.
6. If at times you feel like you’ve “ruined” your life, you had it so easy before why did you make the decision to have a baby, know that you’re not alone with these feelings. It doesn’t make you a bad mom to feel like this, it doesn’t make you crazy to have these thoughts. It is perfectly normal to second guess why you wanted this so bad.
7. Showering, doing your hair or makeup, getting out of the house on time, just getting out of the house in general, will seem like a thing of the past. You will get into a routine and so will your baby and slowly but surely, you will find the time to get these things done again.
8. I can’t stress this one enough. DON’T COMPARE YOUR CHILD OR YOUR EXPERIENCES TO ANYONE ELSE’S. ESPECIALLY WHAT YOU SEE ON SOCIAL MEDIA. There’s nothing real or honest about social media posts. When I had my first son, we knew 3 or 4 other people who delivered right around the same time. Their posts consistently made me feel like I was the only one with a cranky baby and like I was the only mom who wasn’t enjoying the infant stage. Sometimes their posts still make me feel like my toddler is the only toddler who hates to eat and is really going through the terrible two’s. But, after really talking to them about the problems I’m having with my 2 year old going on 13, and they let out a huge “we’re going through the same thing!” you realize they aren’t showing a real interpretation on social media. Also, what their baby is lacking in, your baby is accelerating in and vice versa. All babies develop differently and at different ages. The important thing is to focus on what your baby is doing, not what your baby isn’t doing yet.
I don’t tell you all of this to sound like a Negative Nancy and I surely don’t want to scare you. I’m giving you the advice I wish people had given me. I wish people were more real with me rather than make me feel like I wasn’t normal because of the experiences I was having.
Also, I want to let you know that I went through a pretty bad bout of Post-Partum Depression and I didn’t seek help until my son was nearly 14 months old. First, please seek help if you think you might be going through PPD. No one will think any differently of you as a mom or a person and the help will make you feel like so much weight has been lifted off of your shoulders. Second, keep reminding yourself that you can and will get through it because they DO grow up and they WILL grow out of the stages that you think you will never get through.
I hope when we’re all in the thick of it, we can remember this post, and it can be a light for some of you.
Re: TW*First Baby advice you won’t hear anywhere else. (and hopefully a reminder to the STM, TTM, etc.)
plenty of wonderful things that will happen! It’s a learning curve for everyone!
Married: 10/3/15
TTC: May 2017
BFP: 7/20/17
EDD: 3/29/18
With my second child, yes, it was hard, but NOT like how you describe at all. I was proactive and looked after myself and was honest about my feelings and expectations.
So while, yes, this is a true experience, it doesn't mean it's going to be true for everyone. Just use it as a reminder that PPD is very real and it's not always easy to ask for help. So be aware that if you are suffering, it's okay to ask for help. And that feeling desperate, alone and like your life is ruined isn't normal "baby blues." It's more than that and you should seek help.
I would agree mom guilty is a real thing, but there are also days you are so proud of your kid, and those times you may think you are so blessed with such a wonderful child. To be honest sometimes that feeling goes away 2 seconds later.
I agree with the social media comparing. But sometimes it's a good thing too. I am in a Facebook group with other moms my DS age. Yes we share highlights but we also share lows too. Just this week someone asked if there were any other 2 year olds who are sassy. And there were quite a few to commiserate together.
It's also hard for me to see those kids talking in full sentences away while my kid knows 50 words and just started putting two words together. But there are other mothers out there with the same issue and we support eachother.
The hard part is finding a group of ladies who support eachother and not being them down.
as for #7, I totally fed my kids in the bathtub (cuz that always helped them zonk out) then put baby in rock n play/bouncer asleep (wrapped in a towel in a nice steamy bathroom) and enjoyed a luxurious soak at least twice a week!! Best parenting hack I learned from my friends.
With my first, I absolutely went through a lot of the things mentioned above. #2, #4, and #7 absolutely affected me... the others not as much. Hindsight is 20/20 and I now know that the way I felt about those three in particular were ABSOLUTELY exacerbated by PPD/PPA. I know this because those feelings were nonexistent after my second was born. (I did not suffer from PPD/PPA after her birth.)
I second/third/fourth what everyone else has alluded to here... do what you can to safeguard yourself against struggling with PPD/PPA. That simply means LEARN about it, identify examples of how it manifests, TALK TO YOUR PARTNER/SUPPORT SYSTEM and teach them about how it might manifests and get them to commit to helping you get help if you start exhibiting symptoms and prepare yourself to accept help should you need it. PPD/PPA is SO COMMON, you will not be alone or weak for seeking help. On the flip side, NOT EVERYONE WILL GET IT!!! The best thing anyone can do is educate themselves on it and have a plan in place for help if its needed.
DS: EDD, December 19th, 2014. Born, December 19th, 2014!
DD: EDD, July 18th, 2016. Born, July 19th, 2016!
Baby #3: EDD, April 16th, 2016
Secondly, I know plenty of moms now that said they had a lot of the same feelings, but they didnt suffer from PPD. So please don't assume you have PPD if you do experience any of these at any time. Its comments like these that make us who did suffer from PPD feel like we were crazy, so please be sensitive to that.
Last, there were and still are plenty of amazing things that I experienced, but in my opinion, its just as important to share the not so good stuff to. If someone had shared this kind of advice with me, I dont think I would have gone through as bad of a bout of PPD and I think its refreshing to know when, in a few months, I'm having a rough day, I can be reminded there's others having a rough day too.
*Edited* I pray that none of you ladies feel any of these things and I pray that I don't feel like this again too. But, if I do, it would be nice to look back on this thread and see a more positive or uplifting response. Not just for me, but for the others who might wind of feeling some of these things too.
I don't want this to come off as bragging or downplaying your experience at all - so that's not my intention whatsoever. But I will say for me, not a lot of this resonated exactly. I was lucky to feel relatively stable post-birth and I didn't cry much, if at all. I definitely had elevated anxiety and some intrusive thoughts, and felt a sense of dread as the evening came on because I knew we'd be in for a long night. Sleep deprivation is so rough. But I felt so in love with my little DD that it was worth it. I was able to get into a routine with her and for the most part, I actually loved her first months of life. I found ways to slip in a quick shower (guys, it's FINE to leave the baby in the crib for a few minutes, even if she's crying!), do my makeup on the floor while breastfeeding, and get out to meet friends for lunch or go on a walk. Setting up a little routine and leaving the house made me feel so much more human.
For me, things became more difficult when I had to go back to work - I cried every day around that time. I have also found that parenting has only gotten harder as my little one left the newborn stage and became a toddler. I guess my point is the parenting journey is always hard, for everyone, but the first few months might be easier on some than others. I hope everyone can seek out ways to support themselves during that time.
Again, I felt the same way you did with my first, but after having my second and experiencing one post-partum period with PPD/PPA and one without, I can without a doubt tell you that the your experience was colored by your PPD/PPA and not necessarily indicative of how everyone will feel post-partum.
For anyone curious, my post-partum time after DD was born was glorious. Yes, it had normal post-partum newborn struggles (occasional weepiness, extreme exhaustion, relying on screen time to distract my toddler so I could nap/nurse the newborn, etc) but I NEVER felt the same overwhelming anxieties, fears, or sadness described in the first post... things I DID feel when I had PPD/PPA with my first.
DS: EDD, December 19th, 2014. Born, December 19th, 2014!
DD: EDD, July 18th, 2016. Born, July 19th, 2016!
Baby #3: EDD, April 16th, 2016
I love love love being a mom now and enjoy my son and the stage we are currently in, no matter how hard the terrible two's are. But, this time around, I'm trying not to have any expectations, because I do fear that things will be the same again. And if they are, i recognize that it is OK to admit it and its OK to except help.
Again, I didn't mean for this post represent everyone's experience in motherhood, but I did want people to know that it might happen and if it does, there is a light at the end of the tunnel and you don't have to think your going through it alone.
I definitely had that feeling of "why in God's name did we want this" though. There was a serious fear that we had ruined our lives. And our son was very healthy, birth went very well, breastfeeding went well, etc., etc. It's just a hard transition.
I don't mean to scare first time moms. But the fact of the matter is that caring for a newborn is a lot of work and can be very frustrating, confusing and upsetting. In the very beginning, it's often not even really rewarding. It's like if you worked your butt off at your job and then they didn't even pay you for 3-4 months. There may very well be a part of your brain that goes "this sucks--why did I sign up for this??"
I want to tell you all this so you don't get to that point and then think you're a horrible mother for missing your pre-baby life or wishing the baby would just go away. You're not. It's just a really difficult time. It will pass. Take breaks, ask for help, get a sitter, complain to a sympathetic friend, even put the baby in their crib and hide in the bathroom and cry for 10 minutes if you need to.
It's HARD. But it will be OKAY. Sooner rather than later, your baby will be the light of your life. Just know that it's all right if it takes a little time to get there.