TTCAL Week of 22/1

coco2787 · January 2018

TW children mentioned

I took my son to a birthday party today and this was my first time meeting the parents of the birthday kid. The dad and I were making small talk and asked if my son had any siblings. I hate that such a casual question can be so triggering. I’m also working in a new place (fieldwork for school), so I’m getting to know a lot of people, and I’ve been asked multiple times if I’m going to have more kids. It’s such a stab in the heart every time and I don’t have it in me to educate people on what a personal question that is. Feeling really angry about everything today.

galactickates · January 2018

@coco2787 - I don't even know what to say to that. Why do people think it's appropriate to ask such personal questions? I almost wrote a pretend response but couldn't even do it. It's so ridiculous. I just realized there is so little education about losses. I of course always knew that, but this week has just made it more apparent. Just the worst

offtoneverland · January 2018

@coco2787 I'm so sorry.

I'll admit that I've asked people that question before. Usually only people I know really well though. But now I know how hurtful it is and I'll be more mindful in the future. *TW-kid implied* Our day care provider asked me if we were planning to have a second, but her timing was really awful as it was immediately after I'd found out about my second loss. I had to hold it together until I got to the car. But after being asked that question and knowing how bad it hurts, I'm going to be so careful about ever asking that again in the future! I think people assume that if you have one kid, you're obviously capable of having another, so they don't really think about it potentially being hurtful. *end TW* Sending big hugs your way.

coco2787 · January 2018

@offtoneverland I've also been guilty of asking similar questions in the past, and I feel horrible about it. It was always to people I'm close with and that (I think) I knew their history, but it's still just not anyone else's business. I've learned so much from being on these boards about being more sensitive. I really need to come up with a tactful response.

offtoneverland · January 2018

@coco2787 Does bursting into tears count as a tactful response? That would shut them up really quick!

galactickates · January 2018

Maybe I'm wrong but I think really close friends you would confide in, is ok? I've asked my best friends and they've asked me. Is it an intamacy level or just no all around?

CraftyG · January 2018

@coco2787 I’m so sorry. It’s one of those questions that if you’ve never struggled to have kids then people just don’t even think that it’s innaptopriate but it’s such a punch to the face when you’re asked it. Whenever I’m asked about when we’re going to have kids or start trying I try and laugh it off and just say you’ll have to ask Fi about that and they never do because it’s just seen as something to ask the women in the relationship.

I would love to have the balls to say well we’ve already been pregnant twice but we don’t have any children here with us but I doubt I ever will because that would make other people uncomfortable.

coco2787 · January 2018

@galactickates I think it's different with close friends, I just know that for me, there were people who I consider pretty close friends that I hadn't told about the pregnancy, and therefore didn't tell about my loss. Everyone has different levels of comfort and with all the stigma around loss, there might be close friends in my life that chose to keep their loss a secret. If you have that kind of intimacy with certain friends than I think it's fine, stuff like this is never black and white. I just hope that I never made anyone feel the way I've felt many times over the past few weeks.

dpjennifer · January 2018

CraftyG Screw other people and their uncomfortableness... If people pry and make me upset and uncomfortable, then I have no problem saying that I've had MCs or anything else. The ONLY way this will stop and people will think and show some sensitivity is if WE let them know.

acciocoffee · January 2018

It depends on my mood that day. There have been times I have just told them I would love to have more kids and left it at that. Then there are times I have told them we were pregnant in the fall and had a MC. That usually shuts them up and they probably won't ask that question to anyone else ever again.

TTCAL Week of 22/1

Re: TTCAL Week of 22/1

Choose Another Board

Search Boards