TTCAL Week of 22/1

CraftyG · January 2018

This is a general trigger warning that CP, miscarriage / spontaneous abortion, selective abortion due to medical complications, and / or stillbirth may be mentioned.**

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc.

Status:

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R?

Any testing coming up/any recent results?

GTKY: Have you got any holidays booked in to look forward to this year?

CraftyG · January 2018

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc. Loss at 13 weeks Jan 2016, loss at 9 weeks Oct 2017

Status: WTO CD1

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? Sorry I started this thread selfishly this week! Today is a hard day, it’s the 2 year anniversary that I lost my first little one and it just hurts. To add insult to injury I started my period today as well. I knew it was going to be a hard day so I’ve got nothing planned and I’m just going to have a duvet day with maybe some midday drinking thrown in there. I don’t think Fi’s connected the dots though and I’ve just told him that I’m fine I’m just having a sad day, part of me doesn’t want to tell him because if he truly doesn’t realise I’m sure it would upset him and then another part of me is angry that he doesn’t know, like once again it’s just me mourning our little ones. Rave - I made a really nice new dinner last night, kinda like a sausage tray bake

Any testing coming up/any recent results? Nada

GTKY: Have you got any holidays booked in to look forward to this year? Off for a week in a cabin in the middle of nowhere with a hot tub in 2 weeks time!

coco2787 · January 2018

Big hugs @CraftyG. I'm so sorry today is a hard day and that AF is adding insult to injury. I doubt my H will remember any anniversaries either. I don't know if you saw my post on the last TTCAL thread, but I shared something about how we as mothers are often alone in keeping our baby's memories alive. So many aspects of loss make us feel alone, and it just sucks. I hope you feel a little better after your duvet day

offtoneverland · January 2018

@CraftyG No need at all to apologize for starting the thread off selfishly. That's what we're here for. I'm so sorry that you're having a hard time with the 2 year anniversary today. That's great that you were able to plan ahead for a lazy day so you could take the time you need to grieve. I'm also sorry that YF didn't connect the dots. If you feel the need to tell him, I don't think it would be wrong of you to do that; although I understand you not wanting to make him sad. I'm sure he wouldn't want you to suffer in silence though. Did you see the quote that @coco2787 posted in the TTCAL thread yesterday? From what you said about you being the only one mourning your little ones, I think you might appreciate the quote. In spoiler in case you didn't see it:

"Through the years of her life, the mother who has miscarried remains the lone guardian of her baby's memory, which she retains in astonishing detail. She herself, stands in permanent commemoration of the life of her dead child. She carries her sorrow with her, along with a need to hold on to that sorrow, as the sole remnants of her baby's existence. If she lets go, her baby will have gone unnoticed, lost, and forever forgotten."

Your middle of nowhere cabin vacation in 2 weeks sounds wonderful! Sounds like just what you need to get some relaxation in. I hope the rest of your day goes okay; please take care of yourself. We're here for you if you need to keep talking.
@coco2787 I didn't get the chance to respond to your post yesterday. I'm so sorry for what YH said to you, but that's good he was able to realize how hurtful that was to you. I guess it's good he found a way for himself to deal with it, but that doesn't make it any less hurtful. Thank you for sharing that quote. It's really moving and expresses the emotions of a loss when no one seems to feel the pain except for you.
I'll do my update a little bit later. Have to go sign my furlough papers at work!

offtoneverland · January 2018

Oops! Sorry @coco2787 -- I should have refreshed the page before I posted! Didn't mean to repeat exactly what you had said.

coco2787 · January 2018

Great minds think alike

@offtoneverland

dukestar5 · January 2018

@CraftyG So many hugs today (And I'm glad you started this thread. I really needed this safe space to share).

@coco2787 Yes, I really liked the quotation you shared yesterday about mother's keeping their babies' memories alive. I think men just process it completely differently.

@offtoneverland Thanks for sharing that quotation again. I hope your RE appointment goes well today. Keep us posted!

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc.

loss at 8.5 weeks (MMC)

Status: Benched

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R?

I am feeling pretty down. Super emotional, which is sometimes hard for MH to understand. He is sad too, but I don't think he feels it as deeply or maybe he does not think about it as much. It feels pretty all-consuming right now and I just do not feel motivated to get things done. Also, almost everywhere I look there are baby reminders--from facebook announcements to random computer ads related to babies to friends who are expecting or who recently gave birth. It's hard to escape. I am mourning the fact that just last week I was pregnant and now I am not.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? I may go in for blood work tomorrow to check how beta levels are doing. (Praying levels are going down!)

GTKY: Have you got any holidays booked in to look forward to this year? We may go see a basketball game with some friends this spring (they have season tickets) so that would be a nice weekend away, but we have not booked anything yet.

dpjennifer · January 2018

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc. Unexplained RPL. 4 MCs.

Status: CD 18. WTO.

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? I’m hoping to BD over next few days, and hoping I’ll be more ‘in the mood’ for it. 2+ years later, with a wrecked body, it’s hard to feel ‘sexy’ on a timecrunch. *sigh* I’m just over all of this.

GTKY: Have you got any holidays booked in to look forward to this year? Just a quick weekend trip to NYC next month for my sister’s birthday. We have some ideas for holidays this year, but nothing else concrete.

CraftyG Sorry for your rough day. I passed my 2 year anniversary of first MC a few months ago and it was killer. Glad you’re taking time to be kind to yourself today.

acciocoffee · January 2018

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc. NMC @ 8 weeks

Status: CD23 TWW!

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? ***TW Children mentioned*** I try really hard not to mention children here, so hopefully you can give me some grace in sharing this story. We had friends over last night and one couple brought their newborn with them. I kept my distance because being near him just made me sick. Then I was sitting on the couch and DD kept coming up and pointing to my belly and saying "mommy has a baby" and I had to keep telling her no but she wouldn't stop. I barely stopped myself from bursting into tears. It just sucked. Plus I know everyone heard it since she kept saying it, but they were all kind enough not to ask if I was PG again. ***End TW***

Any testing coming up/any recent results? Nope

GTKY: Have you got any holidays booked in to look forward to this year? We are going to Colorado this summer. I'm really excited!

meatballs37 · January 2018

@CraftyG Anniversaries are so hard, I’m glad you are taking the time you need to stay home and grieve and remember. I always feel like taking a dedicated time to remember helps me. Even if it’s just ten minutes of undivided attention to my lost sons.

Also, sorry I have been a little MIA last week, but it was the week the twins would have been delivered and I was and am still feeling a lot of bitterness. I didn’t want to bring it here. I was in a bad place when I tried to write down how I felt. But I am back and can’t wait to catch up with all of you.

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc. Twins diagnosed with TTTS. Shepherd passed away at 22 weeks after a placenta surgery to save them. Abraham was born three weeks later after my water broke. But he sadly passed away after 24 short days in the NICU.

Status: benched due to c section

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? things are going ok. I finally had my first PP period now at 12 weeks! I can’t even temp though because we are sick and I have been so stuffy sleeping with my mouth open. I’m hoping to start temping in a few days though so this cycle isn’t completely lost to see if I am ovulating.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? I still need to make my yearly.

GTKY: Have you got any holidays booked in to look forward to this year? nope. Nada.

coco2787 · January 2018

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc.

MMC dx @9 weeks with follow up D&C

Status:

CD 13, positive OPK this morning! So far this cycle has been exactly like my pre-loss cycle which has been really reassuring. It’s good to know my body still works

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R?

I had a dream that I had my new baby the night before last which opened the wound a little. I hate how dreams can affect you so much. Anxiety is kicking in now that I’m approaching the TWW. Trying to prepare myself for both scenarios.

Any testing coming up/any recent results?

I got my last BFP at 9 DPO but I’m not sure when I’ll test this time. I’ve always been a chronic early tester but this time it’s kind of a Schrödinger‘s Cat situation so I might wait it out.

GTKY: Have you got any holidays booked in to look forward to this year?

Tentatively going to a friends bachelorette party and/or wedding this summer and fall. Not booking anything though because of TTC. Traveling in first tri would be miserable and if I get KU quickly (and baby sticks) I might be too pregnant to travel in the fall. Would like to do some sort of weekend getaway with my H soon though.

On mobile so I’ll be back later for tags!

acciocoffee · January 2018

@coco2787 It's really hard to plan trips when you have no idea if you will be KU or not or how far along you could possibly be at that time.
@meatballs37 I'm sorry that last week was hard. It's just so hard not to be bitter sometimes. I'm glad you got AF back though!
@dpjennifer I'm sorry you're not feeling up to it. Hopefully your mood changes soon!
@dukestar5 I know that feeling so well. It just feels wrong to not be pregnant anymore. The basketball game sounds fun! Going out places and finding distractions really helped me get through the first few weeks after our MC.
@CraftyG What a horrible day! I'm sorry for the anniversary and AF all at once. The cabin sounds like fun though!

ChloandCoco · January 2018

@CraftyGNo need to apologize, we are here to help and supprt each other though all the hard parts of TTCAL. I'm so sorry that today is a hard day, but a duvet day sounds like it will help. If you think you should tell him, it might be good to mention it, just so he understands why it's such a hard day.

@dukestar5 I'm so sorry you are going through all this, and yes, it seems like there's constant reminders everywhere. I find it did help to take a social media break, or at least "snooze" my friends that had recently had a baby for a bit. I know I said this before, but just remember that it's ok to not feel ok.

@dpjennifer Good luck with the BD! And a trip to NYC sounds like fun!

@acciocoffee I'm sorry you had a very hard time last night. Anyone in that situation would find it very hard.

@meatballs37 Last week must've been hard, it's good that you put up some boundaries and took a bump break, but remember that we are here for you.

@coco2787 I got a positive OPK today too, which is 3-4 days earlier than my previous cycles. I know what you mean about the anxiety in the TWW.

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc.

TFAS - 3 losses last year, none of them making it past 7 weeks.

Status: WTO - CD 13

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? Rant: I'm feeling super nauseous today, I had a horrible sleep last night so that could be the cause. I was also suppose to go out with a friend tonight, but I'm going to cancel.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? OPKs this week, but I just got a positive one today, which is early for me.

GTKY: Have you got any holidays booked in to look forward to this year? We are planning a trip to Hawaii, it will happen in May or June.

holly321 · January 2018

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc.

mmc 2/12 and MMc 8/17

Status: benched

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R?

generally well. Little things here and there bother me. And because I am BSC, I am symptom spotting and almost bought a HpT in my way home today, but I had restraint.

Any testing coming up/any recent results?

No blood work for a few weeks

GTKY: Have you got any holidays booked in to look forward to this year?
none yet. I don't think I will have a lot of extra time off this year, saving it for surgery and my nieces and nephew visiting.

Will return to tag later.

offtoneverland · January 2018

@ChloandCoco Hawaii sounds incredible. Have you made any plans for the trip yet? I'm sorry you're feeling sick today. I hope you feel better soon.
@acciocoffee I don't think it's wrong of you to share that story as I can imagine it was heartbreaking, and we're here to talk about stuff like that. I'm so sorry you had a rough night; I think that would make anyone burst into tears! Those little reminders are so hard. Do your friends know about your loss or no?
@dpjennifer GL with the sexy time these next few weeks. It's such a struggle to have to do it on a schedule every month; I completely understand what you mean. It's hard to spice things up when it's not on an impulse.
@dukestar5 Hugs, friend. It's okay to be feeling emotional. Following my losses I spent a couple days just sitting on the couch crying. MH didn't get it at all and he kept asking me "What's wrong?" Which just made me so angry with him...like, seriously, what do you think is wrong with me right now? I tried to give him grace because I know he didn't like seeing me sad and he just wanted to fix it. I hope you can find some peace and comfort soon.

@meatballs37 I'm so very sorry that you were in a bad place last week while remembering their due dates. I hope you were able to take some time for yourself to do whatever you needed to do to take care of yourself and remember your boys. That's wonderful that your PP period started. You must be relieved to not be waiting for it anymore. I hope you feel better soon!
@coco2787 Ugh! Those dreams are just the worst. :'(

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc. 3 early losses in 2017.

Status: TWW

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? I had my RE appointment today and it went really well. Update in the next section.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? I'll be doing cd3 bloodwork and baseline ultrasound this upcoming cycle, then an HSG between cd6-12. In addition to that, the RE wants me to do some RPL bood work, which includes karyotyping. Full explanation of my appointment in the spoiler, since it's a bit long:

My appointment went great today! I met with my doctor and nurse. The doctor went through all sorts of things, including causes for RPL and what kind of testing we can do. She said there's a 99% chance that everything will come back completely normal, but she wasn't discouraging at all about that. She said we should think about how we want to go forward if everything comes back normal. She offered IVF with PGS as an option if we feel like we can't handle any more losses, but at this point I'm definitely not ready to go down that road. When she was talking about my losses, she said that if you count chemical pregnancies, 50% of all pregnancies end in loss. Has anyone heard that same statistic before from their doctor? That seems so high, but I guess it makes sense. She was very comforting about my losses though and agreed that it was time to start some testing, even though it might not give us an answer and it may have just been "bad luck."
In addition to the testing explained above, they offered the Counsyl genetic testing. Has anyone done that type of testing? I'm not sure yet if we'll do it; I'm still thinking about it.
So all in all, it was pretty easy and I'm looking forward to AF starting so I can get some of these tests done. Although I am a bit nervous for the HSG! She said while we go through the testing process, we can keep TTC, so that's nice that I won't have to be benched.

GTKY: Have you got any holidays booked in to look forward to this year? Not officially. I'd like to go to Montana to visit my sister after her new house is built and they move in, but it's pretty expensive to fly there so it depends on the cost of the tickets. Otherwise, we don't have any plans!

acciocoffee · January 2018

@offtoneverland They all know. It was just so weird that DD did that. It's been almost 2 months since our loss and she has never done that (even before the loss she didn't care that there was a baby in there). It was horrible, but hopefully soon there actually will be a baby in there for her to point to. Any chance she is psychic?

That's so great about the appointment! It sounds like you are in good hands.

zamoraspin · January 2018

@CraftyG I'm sorry that anniversary is bringing up difficult feelings. Totally understandable.
@dukestar5 I'm sorry for this very intense time of grief. Prior to my first loss I don't think I'd every been 'triggered' by anything before and then all of a sudden I truly grasped what that word meant. In my experience the sadness doesn't go away completely, but it does get less heavy and jarring.
@dpjennifer Ah yes, the magic of "it's time to do it". So romantic.
@meatballs37 Yay for your first period. I hope it isn't too bad for you. I sometimes skip the first couple days of a cycle of temping and it still works out ok as long as I pick it up by CD5 or so (probably even later would be ok if you O later). Gl!
@coco2787 I'm sorry you had that dream. I have had dreams like that before, although not in a while, and they feel so real.
@ChloandCoco Sorry about the crappy sleep and having to cancel your plans. That sucks. Yay for a +OPK, although I hope you are feeling up to BD!
@acciocoffee I'm sorry, that sounds really hard.
@holly321 We've all been there with the SS'ing.
@offtoneverland I'm so glad you liked your dr! I have read a similar statistic about mc, although my dr's have never quoted it. On the genetic testing - I am not an expert but I think there are different levels of genetic testing. DH and I both had karyotyping done, but it was through Natera. Basically if it's the genetic testing I am thinking of it would cover not just carrier screening but also identify deletions/translocations in your DNA. That is how I found out I am homozygous for the less serious MTHFR mutation. The reason they want to test this is some healthy people can have a genetic abnormality that makes them prone to loss. I am not great at explaining this but I would ask more questions about it to see what exactly they will be testing. Both DH and I had ours done mostly to make it go faster - usually if they find an issue with one of you they then have to test the other (although, I could be wrong but I think balance translocations and certain other issues are a problem if either of you has them). Our insurance didn't cover the testing and it was kind of a PITA but I ended up paying about $300 total ($200 to Natera and then an additional amount to a lab).
eta to add - even though we have not been able to identify any reason for our losses, I am still glad we did the testing. As your dr said, most times there is no explanation. But at least I know there is not something I could fix/a condition making me prone to this.

zamoraspin · January 2018

Oh, AFM,

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc. Three first tri losses, no living children.

Status: TWW, 3dpo

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? I am doing well this week. I have anticipated the EDD of my first loss (1/24) for a while. I went and stalked my old BMB a week or so ago and it is a ghost town and idk, it gave me a weird sense of closure to see that I am so disconnected from that pregnancy. I am trying to tell myself these days that I will be a mom. I don't know how. I don't know when -- it's certainly not going to happen on my time table -- but I am going to make it happen somehow.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? HPTs starting at 9 dpo.

GTKY: Have you got any holidays booked in to look forward to this year? No! I wish we did. We started talking about a big vacay and then realized that there is a chance we will be doing IVF later this year and we therefore can't commit to spending money on anything big.

lokibear89 · January 2018

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc.

mmc found at 9 week scan (6week mc), followed by failed medical management then eventually a d&c

Status:

cd4 WTO (first cycle off the bench)

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R?

had a pretty awful AF that ruined my Sunday completely but that's easing off now.

Actually I'm quite excited, have spent what feels like forever just waiting to give it another go which has been insanely frustrating. While there is still a fair bit of waiting at least I have something to aim for.

Any testing coming up/any recent results?

Got histology back from my d&c and it was all clear. Not sure what that even really means but I am told that's perfectly normal.

GTKY: Have you got any holidays booked in to look forward to this year?
After working all through Xmas and ny and missing so much of summer (from New Zealand) goimg away to Queenstown for a week at the end of Feb, can't wait!

galactickates · January 2018

I'm so far behind. I need to get caught up

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc. Ectopic at 9 weeks in Nov. Laparoscopic surgery with my left tube removed.

Status: TWW

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R?

We found out construction is pushed out 2 weeks on our house which I'm not that psyched about. Also I don't know if I'm CD 2 or CD 8. Which is really fun. Hoping for CD 2 so I have more of a chance. Rave: I found my beloved boots yesterday so I'm really happy about that.

Any testing coming up/any recent results?

probably tonight because I'm BSC

GTKY: Have you got any holidays booked in to look forward to this year?
nothing yet, we always do a few road trips, nothing set yet though. I'm hoping to go to Yellowstone this year.

@dukestar5 - the baby ads, those get me like a knife to the heart. For weeks and I was blocking ads on instagram and even though I updated my apps I was still getting emails and notifications. It was a constant reminder and they would make me physically ill seeing them. I ended up blocking all domains on my email. I just couldn't take it. I'm so sorry you are going through it to.

I have to come back for tags when I'm off work. Thinking of you all though xo

lokibear89 · January 2018

@dukestar5 @galactickates I remember opening my emails to the only one I hadn't unsubscribed from, telling me how far along I should be. I just dissolved into tears. And I have never noticed so many babies and pregnant women in my life.

offtoneverland · January 2018

@zamora_spin Thank you for the info. You're absolutely right about the testing. After the doctor said that today about the test results likely not pointing to anything be "wrong," I briefly thought maybe it would be a waste of time to do the testing. But I know if I had another loss, I would really regret not getting the testing done, so might as well start it right now. Thank you for the descriptions of the genetic testing. The Counsyl test they recommended to us sounds similar to the Natera test you described. But we have to do the karyotyping separate from the DNA testing. Phew, lots of testing to do these next few weeks but it sounds like it won't be too bad. I told my sister about the HSG today and she said "no way would I ever let anyone stick something up my cervix."

How interesting that your old BMB is a ghost town now. That's fantastic that you've been feeling in a good place lately. The hardest part is admitting that having a child isn't going to work out on our own time table (at least in my opinion). I like the mantra you've been repeating to yourself.
@lokibear89 I'm so sorry for your loss. So are you going to TTC this cycle now that AF started? I'm so sorry that AF ruined your weekend. I think you may be our first New Zealander on the board.

lokibear89 · January 2018

@offtoneverland we will be which feels like a long time coming. So got my o test kits at the ready and starting to track everything again.
There certainly aren't a lot of us kiwis about

galactickates · January 2018

@acciocoffee my heart broke for you, I cant even imagine how that must have felt.

:'(

@CraftyG what a rough day, I am sorry about CD1. Maybe you should talk to your H. I think guys try to put pain behind them. DH told me he doesn't like to talk about what happened because he doesn't want to make me sad and that when he goes through painful things he just wants to be distracted so he doesn't think about it. I had to tell him that I am sad no matter what. I think about it all of the time. If we don't talk about it, it feels like he doesn't care and its a lonely isolating feeling. He had no idea. Would you feel better if you talked about it with him?

@coco2787 - I have had so many dreams. Sometimes I don't really want to wake up from them

I am always so happy in them and so sad when I wake up. I totally get the anxiety of trying again.

kindbytealikat · January 2018

@CraftyG I’m sorry my hugs to you. Anniversaries like that suck. Where is your cabin trip, we did that in Colorado it was amazing.
@dukestar5 I blanket you in creepy internet hugs!!! I’m sorry you find yourself here.
@meatballs37 I’m sorry for you ur milestone
@offtoneverland I’m so glad your appointment went so well, I hope she is able to find an answer though.

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc. 2 early losses 8/17, 1/18

Status: Benched

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? This past week has sucked pretty much all around. My D&C went well and i've recovered well so that has been a positive at least. The day after my D&C though I found out my sister caught her husband sleeping with his secretary so I had that to deal with emotionally. So I pushed out the emotions from the D&C out for that. It all came to head Thursday night and I just lost it and cried for like and hour straight. I've felt better ever since though. So positive I guess? Then on Friday night my tactless FIL was on the phone with DH&I, who insisted on being on speaker, decided to ask DH if he's checked his email because his cousin Carol is pregnant and due in August(the month I was due with my last loss). Really FIL, we had just finished talked about my MC. I also saw a lot of babies today so meh.

Sorry for the novel TD:RL This past week has just kind of sucked all around.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? Nothing until February

GTKY: Have you got any holidays booked in to look forward to this year? We're going to try and take a trip to Chicago at some point but financially we're pretty strapped this year.

CraftyG · January 2018

@coco2787 thank you for your kind words and I love that quote, I think I it puts so eloquently what we’re all feeling. It’s so difficult to plan trips when TTC, every time something comes up my mind immediately goes to several different scenarios of pregnancy/ parenting/ FW bleugh
@offtoneverland thank you so much! I ended up not mentioning it and if he realised he didn’t say anything but hey! I am so glad that your appointment went well, it all sounds super positive and I’m so excited that you’re making proactive movements towards this!
@dukestar5 Thank you *Hugs* I’m so sorry that you’re having such a hard time, unfortunately it’s one of those things that you can just never seem to escape from and for you it’s so fresh in your mind. Please be kind to yourself, Disney movies and bubble baths and duvet days are so simple yet help so much.
@dpjennifer thank you and I’m sorry for your anniversary too. New York sounds like a fun break and could be what you two need to get out of your routine for a bit.
@acciocoffee oh I am so sorry! That would have completely taken it out of me, I’m so glad that no one made any follow up questions, all of the hugs.
@meatballs37 oh I am so sorry that this is such a difficult time for you and your family! Are you doing anything to kind of commemorate it? So many hugs, were all here for you!
@ChloandCoco Hawaii sounds absolutely beautiful, romantic as well I can imagine!
@zamora_spin Sometimes a bit of closure can help just so much and give you a more positive/ proactive look on life, it’s a beautiful mantra to keep telling yourself
@lokibear89 I agree I think the worst thing about waiting is when you don’t have a time frame to work towards and you just find yourself in limbo constantly.
@galactickates oh yeah I’m so happy for you finding those boots again haha! I think that’s a contributing factor, he doesn’t like to talk about it because he doesn’t do emotions well and I’ll say that I feel so alone and that I’m the only one that’s still grieving and he’ll apologise and then just say or do something that makes me feel all alone all over again, bleugh, I might open the conversation today now that the days passed.
@kindbytealikat oh my god I am so sorry! I do t even know what to say! Not that it helps but I’m sure that your FIL wasn’t trying to be hurtful but unfortunately a lot of people just don’t think and as for your sister that is so awful my heart completely goes out to her!

CraftyG · January 2018

Ugggh woke up today feeling more positive like I’m ready to start this week after my duvet day yesterday. So have a morning scroll through Facebook and one of my friends found out she’s having a little girl and another announced she’s pregnant and I just feel emotionally drained all over again.

Anyone else wanna join in my pity party today?

dpjennifer · January 2018

acciocoffee Sorry for the emotional trauma with your friends coming over. It sounds as though you have great friends though, in that they didn’t mention what DD said!

ChloandCoco Ooohh… Hawaii. I’ve heard that including CPs they think that MC rate is 50% or possibly higher. Unfortunately, it’s hard to tell since so many people don’t track their cycles (and so little is known about PG/MC/Cycles by the general populace) that they think many people have CPs and don’t even realize it because they think their cycle is just a few days “late.” We did the Counsyl testing. Just on me, not on DH. (Certain tests only females can pass on). I agree with zamora_spin on this. We were not going to do the Counsyl testing until we maybe got PG and made it past the first heartbeat, but were encouraged by the geneticist that it could maybe help pinpoint if I was prone to loss. It came back clear, but at least that was done!

kindbytealikat Glad you’re doing well post-D&C. Sorry for the extra emotional problems dealing with your sisters H and insensitive FIL!

CraftyG After spending 5.5 hours yesterday twiddling my thumbs at work to sign shut down papers (I’m a Fed), I had to drive my @$$ back into this place this morning to work, while we await the next possible Shut Down Feb. 8. I’m exhausted, super sore from the new diet/exercise program I started on Sunday, and everyone is pissing me off! I will definitely JOIN your pityparty!

cry-baby GIF

eleven_ · January 2018

Late to the party but I’m trying to catch up.

@craftyg I’m so sorry you are feeling so down. Anniversaries of loss are so hard and I’m glad you are allowing yourself time to grieve. I’m so sorry too about feeling better and then seeing those announcements on FB. I wish there was a button to hide everything that may are reminders of loss. Did you end up telling Fi that it was the anniversary? I like your new profile pic btw
@dukestar5 I’m so sorry you are feeling down. The first week after was the hardest for me and I hope you start to feel a little better soon. I’m in the same boat as you with my DH. He just doesn’t get it. I feel like he doesn’t really even think about it until I bring it up. I think it takes a lot longer for men to feel emotionally connected to a pregnancy. Are you going in for your blood work today?
@dpjennifer Hoping you guys get some good BD time. Sorry you are feeling over it, but it’s definitely understandable.
@acciocoffee Your story about your DD saying that to you almost made me cry. I’m so sorry this happened to you. Big hugs I love Colorado so much! Where in CO are you going?
@meatballs37 Gosh, January is just the worst! I’m so sorry it’s been a rough week for you. Yay for getting your first PP period!
@coco2787 Yay for +OPK! I’m so sorry about your dream My anxiety has been so bad this TWW. I don’t know why but telling myself I’m not going to test until I’m late has really helped with my anxiety. I don’t think I can deal with seeing a BFN right now.
@chloandcoco Sorry you aren’t feeling well. Hopefully you are feeling better today. So cool you are going to Hawaii! What island are you going to?
@holly321 I’m sorry if you have already talked about this but have your cycles returned to normal? Are you feeling hopeful about April?
@offtoneverland I’m so so happy that you had a positive experience with your RE! I was thinking about you this week and hoping that it would go well. Hopefully she can help you get some answers. I think that is what makes it so hard about loss is that you have so many questions and no answers. That statistic about 50% of all pregnancies ending in loss sounds insanely high! I guess it could be right but I’m very skeptical about statistics. So happy that she said you can continue to try while waiting.
@zamora_spin I like your positivity with telling yourself you will be a mom. How are you feeling about this cycle? @lokibear89 I’m so sorry for your loss
@galactickates Sorry about the move in delay! I hate waiting for exciting stuff to happen. It feels like it takes forever.
@kindbytealikat I’m so sorry you have had such an emotionally difficult week. Dealing with your sister’s pain and yours sounds so overwhelming. Sometimes a good cry helps so much. I’m sorry your FIL was so insensitive.

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc. CP at the beginning of January

Status: TWW – 8 DPO

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R?

TW-death mentioned

This week is the anniversary of my mom’s death. She died last year from breast cancer at the age of 50. Why are anniversaries so hard? January is the worst and I just want this month to end. I’ve been so deeply depressed this week. I am currently in the TWW but I just don’t feel pregnant and it’s adding to my depression. I’m having a hard time participating in the dailies because of seeing all the 1/1 and 2/2 people talk about how they are impatient. I just feel so bitter and I’m missing my mom and just want to the TWW to end. Sorry, major pity party over here.

-End TW

Any testing coming up/any recent results? I seriously have no desire to test early this cycle. I just want to WFAF and then if I’m a week late, maybe I’ll test.

GTKY: Have you got any holidays booked in to look forward to this year? DH and I are talking about getting the hell out of here if I find out I’m not KU this cycle. We want to go to Mexico or someplace warm in February. DH even mentioned Australia!

galactickates · January 2018

@eleven_ I'm so sorry about your mom. That is so so hard. I was wondering where you had been or if you were ok. I wish I could do something more.

I hope this cycle isn't a bust for you though. My FX for you anyway. The TWW just sucks. I love escaping when things are rough. It's nice to just run away temporarily.

acciocoffee · January 2018

@eleven_ It just really makes me sad that she never even did that when I actually was pregnant and now she remembers for some reason. I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. I can't even imagine that kind of grief. We are going to Colorado Springs I think! I'm really excited to just escape with DH for a few days and relax.

zamoraspin · January 2018

@eleven_ The dailies can be hard to take, I took a long break from them and idk why I am feeling optimistic this cycle, I have joined back in some. But it is bizarre to see people saying they are having a hard ttgp day when they are not even three months into trying... like, what? I am sorry you are feeling out, I hope you are wrong. I am so sorry about your mom. I wish the anniversary wasn't so hard, I imagine the holidays were hard too. Is there something you can do to honor this anniversary that would help and not hurt too much? Do you want to tell us about your mom?

coco2787 · January 2018

@eleven_ I’m so sorry about your mom and that this is a hard month for you. I feel the same way about December. The day I found out my baby was gone was the anniversary of my stepmoms death, and 5 days before the anniversary of my mom’s death, and I literally told myself before I went into the appointment “you won’t get bad news today because the universe wouldn’t let that happen today”. The world is just cruel sometimes

acciocoffee · January 2018

Annnd I just got invited to a baby shower in February. I might have to skip that. It's her third kid. A shower seems unnecessary anyways.

ChloandCoco · January 2018

@offtoneverland We haven't made any solid plans yet, but we went last year and it was so much fun and relaxing. I had an HSG test done in December, and the whole thing took about 15 minutes. The actual test was 1 minute and I recommend taking some pain killers before, I forgot to take them and it was only painful when they injected the dye.
@zamora_spin I love the mantra you are telling yourself.
@lokibear89 The first AF after a mc is physically more painful than my normal AF. I'm glad it's easing off now.
@galactickates Yay for finding your boots! But it sucks the construction was pushed back 2 weeks.
@kinbytealikat What a horrible week! I'm so sorry you had to go through all that, especially with your FIL.
@eleven_ We are planning on going to Oahu. But I'm really sorry to hear about your mom and that you are having a really hard time right now. I know what you mean about the dailies, I'm participating about 50%, but it's definitely hard.

zamoraspin · January 2018

@acciocoffee I liberally decline baby showers. It's an invitation, not a summons. At this particular time it would have to be a sister or like, my very very bestest friend for life for me to go to a baby shower. I hope I feel differently at some point but that's how it is for now.

sespence217 · January 2018

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis / conditions surrounding loss, etc. One loss at 10 weeks in May 2017. It was a surprise pregnancy after my husband and I got married, but the best kind of surprise.

Status: 1st month TTC

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? Most days I convince myself i'm okay since we recently started trying again, but when I truly think about it, my heart still hurts thinking about our first little one. I'm so looking forward to my next BFP but also know that it will bring a sinking feeling - I hate that loss takes away some of the joy in such a thing as pregnancy. I feel anxious about the idea of getting pregnant again, but this is also the first month that I truly feel ready. I've had to work a lot this week, but that's had its benefits as it serves as a pretty good distraction from all the "what if's" with TTC.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? nope

GTKY: Have you got any holidays booked in to look forward to this year? yes! my DH and I just booked our anniversary trip coming up in February - it will be a much needed weekend away together!

coco2787 · January 2018

@dukestar5 I'm sorry you're struggling. The first couple of weeks are definitely the hardest. I hope it starts to feel a little less all consuming soon. It can be really hard to avoid the constant reminders.

@dpjennifer I'm sorry you're struggling, I hope it gets a little better for you.

@acciocoffee I'm sorry that happened, my heart broke for you reading that. My son keeps talking about what he wants to name the baby and points out things he wants to get for the baby. I die a little inside every time he brings it up.

@meatballs37 so many hugs to you. I understand needing some space, but please don't ever feel like you can't bring your sadness or bitterness here. That's what we're here for

@ChloandCoco looks like we're cycle buddies! Hopefully the early positive is a good thing? Jealous of your Hawaii trip.

@holly321 glad to hear you're doing well this week.

@offtoneverland I'm glad to hear your RE appointment went well! Where in Montana does your sister live? I used to spend summers at my grandparents cabin near Missoula, it's beautiful there.

@zamora_spin I hope tomorrow isn't too horrible for you. It sounds like you have a good attitude about everything though, which I know isn't always easy.

@lokibear89 sorry about the awful AF. But yay for being off the bench! Sounds like this is the first unbenched cycle for a lot of us.

@galactickates I'm sorry your cycle is being weird, that's frustrating. FX for CD 2.

@kindbytealikat I'm glad your D&C went well and that you're recovering okay. I'm sorry your FIL did that, some people just really don't get it. And that's awful about your sister, I hope she's doing okay

@sespence217 welcome to the group, I'm so sorry for your loss. I know we can all relate to the anxiety of TTC again and the joy of pregnancy being taken away. It's really unfair

eleven_ · January 2018

Thank you all so much for your kind words. Reading all of your responses brought me to tears. We are having a fondue dinner this weekend with family because it was her favorite.

@zamora_spin I'm so glad to hear you are feeling optimistic this cycle. FX that this is your month

@coco2787 I'm so sorry you had to experience so much loss in December. It makes the holidays so hard.
@acciocoffee I feel like I wouldn't go to someone's baby shower for their third baby even if it didn't make me feel sad. You get one shower, maybe two tops.
@sespence217 Welcome and I'm so sorry for your loss.

offtoneverland · January 2018

@kindbytealikat I am so glad to hear you've been recovering well. That is so awful about your sister's husband. I am so sorry you had to deal with that right after your loss and D&C. Does your sister have a place to go so she doesn't have to stay with her husband? I hope your week gets better from here on out.
@CraftyG Go to FB and hide those people from your feed! Don't feel bad about doing that if you need it for your sanity and mental well being. I'm sorry for those hurtful announcements.

@dpjennifer I think you meant to tag me instead of @ChloandCoco about the Counsyl testing. That's good to hear that you had it done too. I will probably work on getting some of the other testing/blood work done first and then decide if we want to add that to the list. Might as well if we're getting everything else done, I suppose! You're right that the 50% statistic is probably too hard to get down exact. Oh how I wish it was an exact science though so we all had better answers for why these things happen to us! As for work, you had to be there for 5.5 hours yesterday to wait to sign the papers? That stinks!!! I'm sorry you spent most of your day at work. Eating any crappy food tonight for your pity party or is that off the table because of your new diet/exercise regimen?
@eleven_ So many hugs, friend. I'm so sorry about the loss of your mom and the first anniversary this month. I cannot even begin to imagine how difficult that would be. Were you able to do anything to remember her this month (if it's not too hard to think about it right now)? Just a few more days until both January and your TWW are over. Hang in there and take care of yourself. We are here for you whenever you need to talk.

@coco2787 omg! I'm so sorry you had to deal with your loss on top of two anniversaries of deaths in your family. You must be a very strong person to have been able to deal with that all at the same time. My sister lives in Kalispell, just a couple hours from Missoula! I grew up in Kalispell so it's home to me.

I miss the mountains!
@acciocoffee Definitely agree that you should decline the baby shower. Andplusalso it seems a little weird to have a baby shower for a 3rd kid, as you pointed out.

@ChloandCoco Thank you for reassuring me about the hsg! The RE said it was just like menstrual cramps, but the idea of having something fed into my cervix and having dye pushed through my tubes sounds terrifying! I will definitely try to remember to take painkillers before hand. Thanks for the tip!
@sespence217 Welcome! I'm so sorry for your loss. I know what you mean--it's easy to think that you're over the pain and no longer hurt by the loss, but sometimes it all comes flooding back at the most random times. What are you doing for your anniversary trip?

Phew! This board was active today! AFM, I wanted to post this in the randoms thread but felt bad after someone posted about her sobriety. I want a drink so bad. So bad! I'm not an alcoholic, I promise. But MH and I agreed I should cut it out during the TWW (and limit it a bit during the rest of my cycle) just in case it might help. But I really miss that relaxed feeling that comes with a beer after a long day at work. At this point I'm just kind of hoping my period comes soon so I can have a beer and get my testing started.

eleven_ · January 2018

@offtoneverland Girl, I feel you right now. DH and my brother are currently taking tequila shots and I

tequila :'( I know, I'm crazy. That relaxed feeling after work is so nice. I didn't hear if you were not working because of the government shut down. Is that already over?

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