Calling all second time moms (or anyone that can provide insight)

citymommar · December 2017

I'm pregnant with my second while getting to know my first. I started everything later in life, and knew I wanted #2 before 40. Didn't think I'd get my wish! Anyway, going through a bit of a bump with my sister, which I'm very close to both relationship wise and proximity. Ever since my baby was born, she has been obsessed to the point of wanting me to leave her with her and telling me what I should or shouldn't do with the baby. I want to be with my baby every day and am not comfortable just leaving her with anyone. She is 7 years older and childless. When the baby was only 3 days old and a relative told her to pass the baby to my husband, she said no he lives with her. DH was insulted but didn't say anything.It has been uncomfortable for a while, but this weekends' incident at my home caused me to say something today even though I hate confrontation and didn't want to hurt my sister.

I told my husband to change the baby's diaper because my sister was talking to a friend while holding the baby and I didn't want to interrupt the conversation. He took her to the changing station and my sister got up and ran behind him asking why he took the baby away. That she was going to change her. She took over and he was obviously bothered. I told her today via text that I had sent my husband to change the baby because I was cooking and that anyone else would have been upset by her taking the baby from him, but he took it well. She said that she was surprised by my text, that she was only trying to help and that she feels she never sees the baby and he does. She sees the baby at least twice per week. She also said that I'm too sensitive. I felt very guilty afterwards. Any insight would be appreciated. My hormones are going crazy, am taking care of my dd and growing #2. New mom problems!

I'm wondering if I overacted and what would you have done in this situation? Anything similar happen to you. I didn't foresee these problems.

citymommar · December 2017

P.S. it is almost like she thinks she is my baby's mothers too

mrslittlemac · December 2017

Can't really advise you regarding your sister, other than to say this sounds like a good addition to the Twatwaffle Tuesday post coming up in a couple days!

SmashJam · December 2017

Or today's Monday Bitchfest! Or randoms!

citymommar · December 2017

I agree- twat waffle or bitchfest!! Lmao I was just wondering if anyone thought I should have let it go or say something... feeling super guilty and need all the advice I could get, so I started my own thread. Thanks ladies!!

princesslockness · December 2017

Speak up! If you don’t put your sister in her place she will be just as bad about #2.

westphilly · December 2017

As a silver lining, it's great to have so much love for your little ones and the extra hands. So, I agree with everyone; speak up! She wants to help, so maybe if you talk to her and direct her energy to places you want/need it, and tell her where you don't want/need her help. It'll be better to get everyone's expectations sorted out before #2, so when you're juggling two LOs, she knows where and when her place is to help.
Also agree that this should be a Bitchfest or a random so we don't clutter up the board.

pghctwife · December 2017

Lol well those threads don’t exist yet so kinda weird to say to post in them (head scratching emoticon).

I had a similar issue with mil when my first was born. I was a new mom and hormones were strong, and they were visiting from far away so I felt obligated to let her just hold my new baby. I was so frustrated!

The good news is I have found that a lot of things are easier with 2+ because of the learning curve you experience as a ftm, and your confidence as a mom is much greater too. With 2&3 I had no problem just taking charge and scooping my baby. And letting them hold him at specific times and then taking him back. Plus, the big kid wanted and needed the attention from visitors. Your situation is a little different but I hope my example helps ease your mind.

also, let your husband handle his own self. If he’s upset he’s a big boy and can speak up. Maybe he isn’t as upset, in which case, try to let it go.

krash_ · December 2017

**lurking**

pghctwife said:

Lol well those threads don’t exist yet so kinda weird to say to post in them (head scratching emoticon).

I think the point is that she could have started one of those threads just as easily as she started this one and it would have been one everyone could participate in vs her own specific thread.

There are three underlying problems that we have seen on the BMB's lately that this fits into:

one off posts clog up the boards (the first page is very important real estate; and while August is new and doesn't have pages upon pages of posts, if everyone makes their own one off post it will become a cluster)
people popping in to use the BMB as their own personal google to AW for support and then never come back
the same 4-5 people starting all the regular threads each week. We want everyone to feel involved and a part of the community and starting threads really facilitates that. If she would have started one of the regular threads and then put her post in the comments it would have been received much better. I have started threads multiple times and then put my post in the comments with "selfishly started because..."

pghctwife · December 2017

Ok come on now. It’s a little ridiculous, correct?! Let’s be light here, yes?
But yes I’ve been on 3 bmb boards in the past year, since the bump pushed these new rules onto the boards (and I was on 3 boards prior to the rigid format). I’m well aware of the “reasons.”

just kinda funny to suggest saving a question for 3 days to post in a thread that isn’t up yet because it’s a wednesday post (/gavel!!) god forbid the board gets clogged up with the 7 (I didn’t count just guessing) threads we have today

citymommar · December 2017

krashke said:

**lurking**

pghctwife said:

Lol well those threads don’t exist yet so kinda weird to say to post in them (head scratching emoticon).

I think the point is that she could have started one of those threads just as easily as she started this one and it would have been one everyone could participate in vs her own specific thread.

There are three underlying problems that we have seen on the BMB's lately that this fits into:
one off posts clog up the boards (the first page is very important real estate; and while August is new and doesn't have pages upon pages of posts, if everyone makes their own one off post it will become a cluster)
people popping in to use the BMB as their own personal google to AW for support and then never come back
the same 4-5 people starting all the regular threads each week. We want everyone to feel involved and a part of the community and starting threads really facilitates that. If she would have started one of the regular threads and then put her post in the comments it would have been received much better. I have started threads multiple times and then put my post in the comments with "selfishly started because..."

this is my first time using the Bump. I don't know the unwritten rules and didn't think I was clogging a board that's bare bones. I didn't think it was that serious. It's free and we're free to use it as we please, I thought.

citymommar · December 2017

pghctwife said:

Lol well those threads don’t exist yet so kinda weird to say to post in them (head scratching emoticon).

I had a similar issue with mil when my first was born. I was a new mom and hormones were strong, and they were visiting from far away so I felt obligated to let her just hold my new baby. I was so frustrated!

The good news is I have found that a lot of things are easier with 2+ because of the learning curve you experience as a ftm, and your confidence as a mom is much greater too. With 2&3 I had no problem just taking charge and scooping my baby. And letting them hold him at specific times and then taking him back. Plus, the big kid wanted and needed the attention from visitors. Your situation is a little different but I hope my example helps ease your mind.

also, let your husband handle his own self. If he’s upset he’s a big boy and can speak up. Maybe he isn’t as upset, in which case, try to let it go.

Thanks!! Very helpful!!!!

princesslockness · December 2017

lee143 said:

krashke said:

**lurking**

pghctwife said:

Lol well those threads don’t exist yet so kinda weird to say to post in them (head scratching emoticon).

I think the point is that she could have started one of those threads just as easily as she started this one and it would have been one everyone could participate in vs her own specific thread.

There are three underlying problems that we have seen on the BMB's lately that this fits into:
one off posts clog up the boards (the first page is very important real estate; and while August is new and doesn't have pages upon pages of posts, if everyone makes their own one off post it will become a cluster)
people popping in to use the BMB as their own personal google to AW for support and then never come back
the same 4-5 people starting all the regular threads each week. We want everyone to feel involved and a part of the community and starting threads really facilitates that. If she would have started one of the regular threads and then put her post in the comments it would have been received much better. I have started threads multiple times and then put my post in the comments with "selfishly started because..."

this is my first time using the Bump. I don't know the unwritten rules and didn't think I was clogging a board that's bare bones. I didn't think it was that serious. It's free and we're free to use it as we please, I thought.

This is only partly correct. While TB is free to use, there are still written and unwritten rules. This rule was discussed in the 'READ ME FIRST' thread, and like you said, there aren't many other threads yet; so expecting someone to actually read the others and use the rules posted shouldn't be uncommon.

sunshine2417 · December 2017

Hey @lee143, I encountered a lot of issues with my parents after having DS1, largely just around respecting my boundaries and wishes for my son. Something that really helped was sitting them down and explaining how I was feeling, why, and where they fit into the picture. Maybe this is something you could do with your sister? Tell her you love her so much and are so happy that your kids have such an amazing aunt to love and care for them in their lives, but you also have a plan for how you want things done and maybe part of that includes the fact that you're just not okay with leaving them alone right now, or that you want things to occasionally be done they way you would like them, as they are your children. Try letting her know it's not necessarily about her or a problem with her loving your daughter, but its about you trying to do your best as a parent, while having some control over your feelings/anxieties that you have right now.

citymommar · December 2017

princesslockness said:

lee143 said:

krashke said:

**lurking**

pghctwife said:

Lol well those threads don’t exist yet so kinda weird to say to post in them (head scratching emoticon).

I think the point is that she could have started one of those threads just as easily as she started this one and it would have been one everyone could participate in vs her own specific thread.

There are three underlying problems that we have seen on the BMB's lately that this fits into:
one off posts clog up the boards (the first page is very important real estate; and while August is new and doesn't have pages upon pages of posts, if everyone makes their own one off post it will become a cluster)
people popping in to use the BMB as their own personal google to AW for support and then never come back
the same 4-5 people starting all the regular threads each week. We want everyone to feel involved and a part of the community and starting threads really facilitates that. If she would have started one of the regular threads and then put her post in the comments it would have been received much better. I have started threads multiple times and then put my post in the comments with "selfishly started because..."

this is my first time using the Bump. I don't know the unwritten rules and didn't think I was clogging a board that's bare bones. I didn't think it was that serious. It's free and we're free to use it as we please, I thought.

This is only partly correct. While TB is free to use, there are still written and unwritten rules. This rule was discussed in the 'READ ME FIRST' thread, and like you said, there aren't many other threads yet; so expecting someone to actually read the others and use the rules posted shouldn't be uncommon.

I did not know how strict this forum was. Duly noted... I am too busy navigating my second pregnancy, my infant and crazy anxieties. Thanks for helping enforce the rules.

msmonalisavito · December 2017

Well.....that didn't take too long.

princesslockness · December 2017

lee143 said:

princesslockness said:

lee143 said:

krashke said:

**lurking**

pghctwife said:

Lol well those threads don’t exist yet so kinda weird to say to post in them (head scratching emoticon).

I think the point is that she could have started one of those threads just as easily as she started this one and it would have been one everyone could participate in vs her own specific thread.

There are three underlying problems that we have seen on the BMB's lately that this fits into:
one off posts clog up the boards (the first page is very important real estate; and while August is new and doesn't have pages upon pages of posts, if everyone makes their own one off post it will become a cluster)
people popping in to use the BMB as their own personal google to AW for support and then never come back
the same 4-5 people starting all the regular threads each week. We want everyone to feel involved and a part of the community and starting threads really facilitates that. If she would have started one of the regular threads and then put her post in the comments it would have been received much better. I have started threads multiple times and then put my post in the comments with "selfishly started because..."

this is my first time using the Bump. I don't know the unwritten rules and didn't think I was clogging a board that's bare bones. I didn't think it was that serious. It's free and we're free to use it as we please, I thought.

This is only partly correct. While TB is free to use, there are still written and unwritten rules. This rule was discussed in the 'READ ME FIRST' thread, and like you said, there aren't many other threads yet; so expecting someone to actually read the others and use the rules posted shouldn't be uncommon.

I did not know how strict this forum was. Duly noted... I am too busy navigating my second pregnancy, my infant and crazy anxieties. Thanks for helping enforce the rules.

No problem.
Everyone is busy, so we try to organize things so when you only have a 90 seconds you can find what you need. If you check out other older BMBs they have had this type of organization. My August 2015 board was the same way. It truly helps once we get the typical 100+ ladies if everyone made their own posts instead of starting a different thread a couple days early then we get 100s-1,000s of threads in days. Which is a problem when people start having losses or questions about spotting.

I'm not meaning to come across a bitchy, it just is a serious issue later on. So if we can get our board organized now, as everyone who gets a late BFP or finds TB later will better be able to figure things out.

citymommar · December 2017

princesslockness said:

lee143 said:

princesslockness said:

lee143 said:

krashke said:

**lurking**

pghctwife said:

Lol well those threads don’t exist yet so kinda weird to say to post in them (head scratching emoticon).

I think the point is that she could have started one of those threads just as easily as she started this one and it would have been one everyone could participate in vs her own specific thread.

There are three underlying problems that we have seen on the BMB's lately that this fits into:
one off posts clog up the boards (the first page is very important real estate; and while August is new and doesn't have pages upon pages of posts, if everyone makes their own one off post it will become a cluster)
people popping in to use the BMB as their own personal google to AW for support and then never come back
the same 4-5 people starting all the regular threads each week. We want everyone to feel involved and a part of the community and starting threads really facilitates that. If she would have started one of the regular threads and then put her post in the comments it would have been received much better. I have started threads multiple times and then put my post in the comments with "selfishly started because..."

this is my first time using the Bump. I don't know the unwritten rules and didn't think I was clogging a board that's bare bones. I didn't think it was that serious. It's free and we're free to use it as we please, I thought.

This is only partly correct. While TB is free to use, there are still written and unwritten rules. This rule was discussed in the 'READ ME FIRST' thread, and like you said, there aren't many other threads yet; so expecting someone to actually read the others and use the rules posted shouldn't be uncommon.

I did not know how strict this forum was. Duly noted... I am too busy navigating my second pregnancy, my infant and crazy anxieties. Thanks for helping enforce the rules.

No problem.
Everyone is busy, so we try to organize things so when you only have a 90 seconds you can find what you need. If you check out other older BMBs they have had this type of organization. My August 2015 board was the same way. It truly helps once we get the typical 100+ ladies if everyone made their own posts instead of starting a different thread a couple days early then we get 100s-1,000s of threads in days. Which is a problem when people start having losses or questions about spotting.

I'm not meaning to come across a bitchy, it just is a serious issue later on. So if we can get our board organized now, as everyone who gets a late BFP or finds TB later will better be able to figure things out.

Thanks for clarifying! Totally agree

Danelle+Miguel · December 2017

You are the mom, you make the rules, try not to feel guilty. Two times a week seems nice if that's what works for you. My family would be envious they are all located out of state. Congrats on your second blessing.

lalala2004 · December 2017

I’m all about organization, but I don’t think this is the hill to die on, there. OP asked a specific questions wanting specific advice. She wasn’t just venting. Sometimes it actually is OK to start a new thread.

OP: TBH I can see your sisters side. She wants to babysit? Great! She wants to change the baby’s diaper? Please! Now, if she tries to tell you what you should and shouldn’t do, I’d shut that down. Otherwise, I’d welcome the help. When #1 is a toddler and you have a newborn, you will be happy to have it, I’m sure!

neludelu · December 2017

lalala2004 said:

I’m all about organization, but I don’t think this is the hill to die on, there. OP asked a specific questions wanting specific advice. She wasn’t just venting. Sometimes it actually is OK to start a new thread.

OP: TBH I can see your sisters side. She wants to babysit? Great! She wants to change the baby’s diaper? Please! Now, if she tries to tell you what you should and shouldn’t do, I’d shut that down. Otherwise, I’d welcome the help. When #1 is a toddler and you have a newborn, you will be happy to have it, I’m sure!

Lurking: I agree- she was asking a question, not just venting.

citymommar · December 2017

lalala2004 said:

I’m all about organization, but I don’t think this is the hill to die on, there. OP asked a specific questions wanting specific advice. She wasn’t just venting. Sometimes it actually is OK to start a new thread.

OP: TBH I can see your sisters side. She wants to babysit? Great! She wants to change the baby’s diaper? Please! Now, if she tries to tell you what you should and shouldn’t do, I’d shut that down. Otherwise, I’d welcome the help. When #1 is a toddler and you have a newborn, you will be happy to have it, I’m sureneludelu said:

lalala2004 said:

I’m all about organization, but I don’t think this is the hill to die on, there. OP asked a specific questions wanting specific advice. She wasn’t just venting. Sometimes it actually is OK to start a new thread.

OP: TBH I can see your sisters side. She wants to babysit? Great! She wants to change the baby’s diaper? Please! Now, if she tries to tell you what you should and shouldn’t do, I’d shut that down. Otherwise, I’d welcome the help. When #1 is a toddler and you have a newborn, you will be happy to have it, I’m sure!

Lurking: I agree- she was asking a question, not just venting.

she tries to tell you what you should and shouldn’t do, I’d shut that down. Otherwise, I’d welcome the help. When #1 is a toddler and you have a newborn, you will be happy to have it, I’m sure

Thanks ladies! I didn't think I did anything wrong by asking a question. We should all be supportive and happy, especially in today's crazy, crazy world.

lalala2004 · December 2017

@lee143 I will say that it’s preferable to try to make a thread you start an opportunity for a greater discussion. So a more broad “How do you deal with family trying to hog the baby” and then asking your specific question, can make it a more helpful thread. (And you’re less likely to get flamed).

vinerie · December 2017

I have some friends who are childless not by choice and I think they are navigating a lot of emotions when being around those with little ones. It's hard, especially when you reach the point where you realize it's not gonna happen. My advice is to focus on the positive--you have family and eager help nearby. It could be worse. A LOT worse. But I don't discount the awkwardness of it and I'm sure it's difficult for you, too.

citymommar · December 2017

lalala2004 said:

@lee143 I will say that it’s preferable to try to make a thread you start an opportunity for a greater discussion. So a more broad “How do you deal with family trying to hog the baby” and then asking your specific question, can make it a more helpful thread. (And you’re less likely to get flamed).

Yikes... ok, this forum has more regulations than the TSA. Lol thanks for the suggestion. I promise not to start another thread unless absolutely necessary.

lalala2004 · December 2017

lee143 said:

lalala2004 said:

@lee143 I will say that it’s preferable to try to make a thread you start an opportunity for a greater discussion. So a more broad “How do you deal with family trying to hog the baby” and then asking your specific question, can make it a more helpful thread. (And you’re less likely to get flamed).

Yikes... ok, this forum has more regulations than the TSA. Lol thanks for the suggestion. I promise not to start another thread unless absolutely necessary.

Nobody will pat you down so you feel like you’re being molested. Of that I’m quite certain

mrsinterweb · December 2017

@lee143 I understand your desire to want to keep your sister from having too much of a heavy-handed role in taking care of your baby or telling you how you should do things. At the same time, I think it would be good for you to take advantage of the help and get away and do something for yourself -- be it self-care or a date with YH. I know you say you're not comfortable just leaving her with anyone, but (especially with a second on the way) you may want to consider getting outside your comfort zone a little on this. As the saying goes, "it takes a village".

starandrainbow · December 2017

@lee143 wow this sounds so stressful. I hate when people act like they have a right to my child over me. Like when someone walks in the house with arms outstretched. This clearly sounds like your sister is working through some of her own issues, but at the same time you need to be able to enjoy this special time, too. It’s a sensitive subject to approach and if you’re up for the confrontation I would just be totally honest with how you feel. Maybe when the second baby comes it will at least deflect things a little. Is your mom around to ask for help? I would probably want DH standing up for himself but just like with in-laws, this might be your battle to have to keep the peace (which it sounds like you’re doing). I’m sorry I can’t offer much help but I wanted to say I feel for you and I hope things settle down. If not, maybe you can use the time to nap or run an errand or get your nails done.

I am happy you posted and that some replies could be helpful. Despite the rules, I think posts like this are much more interesting to read than everyone’s questions jumbled together. (FWIW I lurked my BMB the first time I was pregnant two years ago, so I’m familiar with The Bump.)

xinran · December 2017

@lee143 I think I would be positive and drip feed some information about what she can expect
I have some childless family and have some similar things I know they have good intentions but can end up undermining me an hubby and they also want to be with lo as often as possible and I don't have time for just us time.
So I have focused first on amount of time. Giving them realistic expectations of the time she will spend with them weekly. Then other things are a bonus.
As far as things that make me feel uncomfortable I deal with them at the time not later.
So I'd maybe say I asked D/s to change because you were chatting now he has started I'd prefer him to finish.

ciaobellat · December 2017

@lee143 I see both sides. It can be frustrating when it seems like someone else is trying to assume the role of parent to your child. But i think you sister is coming from a geniune place of wanting to help and connect. I think you are very fortunate to have such close relationship with your sister and because of that she sees your child like her own. I wish i was that close with my sister. I thinking setting boundaries and having a conversation face to face with her and your husband is needed. Maybe the two times a week she sees your child you can look at that as a nice break and enjoy having that support while she gets her time her niece.

citymommar · December 2017

Thank you to everyone for your insight. I'm still not as confident and comfortable as I'd like to be when it comes to articulating my wishes and she's very sensitive and can get nasty/play victim. All of your thoughts/opinions have helped me see both sides. You have all been very helpful.

majormayhem210 · January 2018

I don’t think you are over reacting. I do think you need have a conversation with your sister about respecting your wishes as a mother outside of something happening so that you can better control the conversation. When you’re reacting to something she has done it might come out harsher then you mean and maybe putting her in defensive mode rather then getting her to actually listen to you. I would also make sure you start the conversation in a positive manner before telling her about what is bother you and then also end it positively.

livinthesunnylife · January 2018

You poor thing. It sounds like she needs to understand some boundaries. Good for you for speaking up about those inappropriate nicknames. Could you maybe take some time to do something fun together that you used to enjoy doing as sisters without the baby, and talk to her heart to heart about how much you love her and want her part of your family's life but what that looks like for you? Good luck, hang in there

hjmorgan-2 · January 2018

Pick your battles, but definitely set boundaries. My son is the first grandchild on my side. So we've had a lot of these types of issues. What you know yoy can let go, do it. But things like pushing your DH out of the way?? Too much. Way too much. But not handing over the baby with a snarky comment like "you always get to see her!" Annoying as hell, but I would let it go since it seems like you'll be fighting a lot of battles... That's me personally. Anything not actually upsetting or causing my baby harm I try and let go.

yosemite2018 · January 2018

It definitely seems like your sister needs some boundaries. Her comment about not seeing her niece as much then reminds me of several Dear Abby articles I have read where the grandparents or parents withheld the kids because they didn’t get their way. Abby said to not give in. She is throwing a tantrum (in essence) for not getting what she wants, whether or not it is best for you and your family. Don’t give in. You need to put your family (you, DH, and your kids) first. It’s great that she wants to be helpful but the fact that you feel bad later sounds like she is bullying you into getting her way which is definitely not helpful.

citymommar · January 2018

Thank you for your insight. I will stand my ground and not be "bullied" into feeling guilty. The worst part is perhaps people thinking I'm in the wrong... I'm going to start another topic that piggy backs on this one and night be helpful for all. We can bounce ideas off of each other and share articles. Thanks mammas and soon-to-be mammas!

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