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UPDATE: How to tell older TTC sister that we're expecting..

lauramariiielauramariiie member
edited December 2017 in August 2018 Moms
So..I've tried googling this but the results I get are a lot of posts titled "Younger sister is pregnant and I'm jealous, help!" - which makes me panic and leads to this post. I'm hoping those of you who have been through a similar situation or took a while to conceive yourselves could help me out here with some insight.

My sister is 32, her husband is 35.. They have been married for 7 years and have been TTC for maybe 5 with no luck. I don't ask her about it often because I know that it's a tough situation and unless she brings it up, she doesn't really want to discuss it. I always prayed my sister would get pregnant before me - both because she deserves it and also, a little selfishly, because it would make things easier on the family and I wouldn't have this massive guilt over my head.

I am 29, my husband is 31. I went off BC at the end of August and was lucky enough to get a BFP on Dec 11. We honestly expected it to take longer and I realize we are incredibly lucky in getting a BFP so soon.

We are telling our parents over Christmas...but I want to tell my sister and her husband separately, first, because I don't think it's fair to spring that on her in front of a big group like that. What is the best way to go about it? What do I even say?

I know this is lengthy and I worry that I might be overthinking it..but I really don't want to upset her. I know she will be happy for us - but I also worry about making sure there's no jealousy or ill will about the whole thing between us- especially after getting those Google results!
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Re: UPDATE: How to tell older TTC sister that we're expecting..

  • starandrainbowstarandrainbow member
    I have recently googled something similar to this and the best advice seems to be a text. I know it sounds impersonal but then she is free to react in her own way and then be happy for you. Maybe a phone call depending on how you usually communicate. But even though she will be happy for you she will probably be sad for herself, so allowing her to react in private and then put on a brave face might be the way to go. Good luck and congrats!
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  • starandrainbowstarandrainbow member
    edited December 2017
    “I wanted to text you so you didn’t have to have the conversation in person, but I recently found out I am pregnant. I’m going to tell everyone soon, but I wanted you to know first.” I know that isn’t great, but I don’t think she will even hear most of what is said, she will just see pregnant. You can decide where to go from there based on her reactions, but don’t be too detailed about how you’re feeling and stuff. Just answer like if she asks due date and stuff. 
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  • pghctwifepghctwife member
     I agree with the ideas already posted, and you might even add something like “i understand that you might feel a little bummed about this.” Give her the permission and the understanding that you know how she may be feeling about it and that you understand and aren’t going to take it personally 




    11/18/16 missed m/c 9w1
    05/2017 cp
    08/03/17 no hb 8w

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  • princesslocknessprincesslockness member
    PP have nailed it. One thing I might include is exactly when you are going to tell everyone else, (i.e. just as dinner is served on Christmas Eve) so she can leave the room is she wants to.


    Formerly known as Kate08young
    August '18 Siggy April Showers:






    Me: 28 H: 24
    Married: 7/22/14
    Baby L: 8/4/2015  August 2015 Moms
    Baby E: 11/18/2016   December 2016 Moms
    TTC #3 08/2017  BFP 11/27/2017. 
    Twin B lost 11/22/2017, Twin A doing well. 


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  • lauramariiielauramariiie member
    edited December 2017
    @lulu1180 I’ve definitely thought about this because I pictured her sitting at Work finding out and how awful it would be to have to suffer through the rest of the day without being able to curl up and be upset in a safe place if she wanted to.

    I’m very tentative about telling her over text because we’re more of talkers vs texters but I totally get where you guys are coming from and how it might be tough for her any other way.

    I will definitely make sure she has a heads up when it comes to surprising my family so she doesn’t have to be there if she doesn’t want to be. I hate that she doesn’t get this experience before I do and my heart breaks with her so I’m trying to be overly sensitive to her needs.  I’m really thankful for everyone’s insight and so glad I have you guys to help me handle this in the best, most delicate way.
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  • lovemadduxlovemaddux member
    First, you’re awesome to be concerned. I wish my family was more like that. 

    Definitely do it via phone or text so she can react naturally without feeling bad or around anyone else.
    She’ll be happy for you once she’s had time. It may take awhile. Let her know you’ll share as much or as little with her. Be patient. 
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  • proudparent2bproudparent2b member
    I don’t know your dynamic with your sister, but sometimes it’s best to just say it as fact when you’re having a casual conversation and move on to other topics.

    The more you dance around it to try to prepare her for the news, the more you could build it up and make it into a bigger deal than it is. Just my two cents.
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  • satin_dollsatin_doll member
    edited December 2017
    Hi, I know I'm a little late but I had to do this already. It was hard for me because I just want my sister to have everything she could ever imagine.

    She has severe health issues and desperately just wants a bundle of joy. With that being said, I chose to tell her in-person so that I could be there for her (if I noticed that she felt any kind of way). Plus, she always prefers face-to-face over phone conversations! She would have thrown a fit, if I text her the news. Since your sister is more of a talker than a texter, it wouldn't hurt to consider an in-person approach.

    Telling her actually went really well and she was happy for me more than anything else. Just remember, we are their baby sisters and they know we don't mean any harm. 
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  • dirtanddiamondsdirtanddiamonds member
    I’m dealing with this. Although I’m the older one. And my younger brother and his wife are trying. They’ve been trying for a couple years. I hoped and prayed they’d get their BFP before we did. They got married after I had my third. If that makes the timeline clearer. I texted my brother first. And let him go from there. His wife had surgery today to remove cysts from her ovaries. Ended up losing part of one. And I had planned to come visit. And surprisingly they still wanted me up there. I let them do the questioning about me and my pregnancy. I don’t bring it up. So far I feel I’m being almost silly overly cautious because they’ve been nothing but kind. But long story short, drop the bomb quickly and gently, and let them take the lead afterwards. My best advice. Good luck. 
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  • brzvicebrzvice member
    I've been lurking this thread and luckily haven't been in this situation myself but I just want to say all these responses are heartfelt and honest and you ladies all are awesome in showing your support and sharing your experience for OP.  <3
    Image result for its raining meme

    Pregnancy Ticker
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  • leahcimmichaelleahcimmichael member
    My younger sister texted me that she was expecting her 2nd after I’d had a MC and a CP within a year. I was fortunately at home and gave my phone to DH and said “text her congratulations. I can’t right now.” It took me about 48 hours to process and be “ok enough” to call her. I appreciate her giving me the space to do so and telling me first so that I didn’t hear it through the grapevine and feel excluded.

    Unfortunately, with infertility and pregnancy loss there are ok days and there are bad days... so we had a mis-step a few weeks later when she complained to me about pregnancy symptoms on a day I wasn’t doing well. My point being that beyond the initial telling, it is important to understand that your sister’s ongoing feelings about your pregnancy might vary day to day. Doing things like only discussing your pregnancy when she brings it up and not taking it personally if she doesn’t react to something the way you’d hoped might help maintain your relationship. 
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  • meeks2020meeks2020 member
    I want to second @doxiemoxie212 , she had a great response 


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  • sporbychecksporbycheck member
    Please don't text this news. It's worth a phone call.

    I'm 36 and was TTC for about a year and a half, saw a fertility doc and everything. About six months before my BFP (our first), my little sister (she's 26) called me to say she was pregnant with her third. 

    She was beautifully compassionate about how she delivered the news, and she held space for me to be upset or sad if I needed to be. She told me she knew I'd been having trouble TTC and that she was pregnant and that she understood if that was hard for me to hear and told me that she was there to listen if I needed to talk about how I was feeling.

    I can't imagine the conversation feeling as warm, loving, and respectful of my feelings if she'd just shot me a text, even though we have most of our convos via text. 
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  • sporbychecksporbycheck member
    FWIW I get where others are coming from when they say texting lets your sister respond after she's had time to process. My sister asked me about a time to talk when I'd be home and wouldn't have other stuff going on so she avoided springing the news on me in the middle of my work day or some equally inconvenient time by scheduling the call. 
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  • livinthesunnylifelivinthesunnylife member
    Recently had a similar interaction.  My BFF has been TTC for 6 months or so we are the same age (36) and this is my second vs her first.  We really wanted to have our littles be close friends.  But we conceived really quickly and they haven't yet.  I told her on Friday, in person, just the two of us.  I cried.  She laughed at me for crying.  And then asked a lot of very detailed questions about timing and what has worked for us- info I will gladly provide my BFF.  The fact that her sister was able to have 2 kids actually gives her a lot of hope, so your sister may find it positive as some fertility issues are genetic.  But tell her privately, just you and her.  And you are a good person for focusing on her feelings.
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