UPDATE: How to tell older TTC sister that we're expecting..

lauramariiie

So..I've tried googling this but the results I get are a lot of posts titled "Younger sister is pregnant and I'm jealous, help!" - which makes me panic and leads to this post. I'm hoping those of you who have been through a similar situation or took a while to conceive yourselves could help me out here with some insight.

My sister is 32, her husband is 35.. They have been married for 7 years and have been TTC for maybe 5 with no luck. I don't ask her about it often because I know that it's a tough situation and unless she brings it up, she doesn't really want to discuss it. I always prayed my sister would get pregnant before me - both because she deserves it and also, a little selfishly, because it would make things easier on the family and I wouldn't have this massive guilt over my head.

I am 29, my husband is 31. I went off BC at the end of August and was lucky enough to get a BFP on Dec 11. We honestly expected it to take longer and I realize we are incredibly lucky in getting a BFP so soon.

We are telling our parents over Christmas...but I want to tell my sister and her husband separately, first, because I don't think it's fair to spring that on her in front of a big group like that. What is the best way to go about it? What do I even say?

I know this is lengthy and I worry that I might be overthinking it..but I really don't want to upset her. I know she will be happy for us - but I also worry about making sure there's no jealousy or ill will about the whole thing between us- especially after getting those Google results!

starandrainbow

I have recently googled something similar to this and the best advice seems to be a text. I know it sounds impersonal but then she is free to react in her own way and then be happy for you. Maybe a phone call depending on how you usually communicate. But even though she will be happy for you she will probably be sad for herself, so allowing her to react in private and then put on a brave face might be the way to go. Good luck and congrats!

starandrainbow

“I wanted to text you so you didn’t have to have the conversation in person, but I recently found out I am pregnant. I’m going to tell everyone soon, but I wanted you to know first.” I know that isn’t great, but I don’t think she will even hear most of what is said, she will just see pregnant. You can decide where to go from there based on her reactions, but don’t be too detailed about how you’re feeling and stuff. Just answer like if she asks due date and stuff. 

pghctwife

 I agree with the ideas already posted, and you might even add something like “i understand that you might feel a little bummed about this.” Give her the permission and the understanding that you know how she may be feeling about it and that you understand and aren’t going to take it personally 

lulu1180

*dirty lurker*
As someone who is currently dealing with infertility, I want to reiterate PPs suggestion about sending her a text.  And I would suggest doing so when you are 95%+ sure that she is at home.  That way she can react without having to worry about losing it at work or some other place.  I have no doubt that she will be happy for you but realize that it may take some time before she can come to a place where she is ok with openly discussing your pregnancy.  Congrats and H&H 9!

princesslockness

PP have nailed it. One thing I might include is exactly when you are going to tell everyone else, (i.e. just as dinner is served on Christmas Eve) so she can leave the room is she wants to.

lauramariiie

@lulu1180 I’ve definitely thought about this because I pictured her sitting at Work finding out and how awful it would be to have to suffer through the rest of the day without being able to curl up and be upset in a safe place if she wanted to.

I’m very tentative about telling her over text because we’re more of talkers vs texters but I totally get where you guys are coming from and how it might be tough for her any other way.

I will definitely make sure she has a heads up when it comes to surprising my family so she doesn’t have to be there if she doesn’t want to be. I hate that she doesn’t get this experience before I do and my heart breaks with her so I’m trying to be overly sensitive to her needs.  I’m really thankful for everyone’s insight and so glad I have you guys to help me handle this in the best, most delicate way.

doxiemoxie212

Lurking...

@littleseel maybe text her and say something like, "Hey, I have some news I want to share with you before we tell anyone else, and I want to make sure you have the space to react any way that you want. I'd love to talk on the phone or see you today if you feel up to it after I tell you, but if you need some time I also completely understand. No matter how you react to this in the moment, I know you love me, so please don't stress about that. That all said, we just found out I'm pregnant, and I'm planning to tell the rest of the family on Christmas, but again, I wanted you to know first and have time to respond in whatever way you need."

lovemaddux

First, you’re awesome to be concerned. I wish my family was more like that. 

Definitely do it via phone or text so she can react naturally without feeling bad or around anyone else.
She’ll be happy for you once she’s had time. It may take awhile. Let her know you’ll share as much or as little with her. Be patient. 

proudparent2b

I don’t know your dynamic with your sister, but sometimes it’s best to just say it as fact when you’re having a casual conversation and move on to other topics.

The more you dance around it to try to prepare her for the news, the more you could build it up and make it into a bigger deal than it is. Just my two cents.

satin_doll

Hi, I know I'm a little late but I had to do this already. It was hard for me because I just want my sister to have everything she could ever imagine.

She has severe health issues and desperately just wants a bundle of joy. With that being said, I chose to tell her in-person so that I could be there for her (if I noticed that she felt any kind of way). Plus, she always prefers face-to-face over phone conversations! She would have thrown a fit, if I text her the news. Since your sister is more of a talker than a texter, it wouldn't hurt to consider an in-person approach.

Telling her actually went really well and she was happy for me more than anything else. Just remember, we are their baby sisters and they know we don't mean any harm. 

LadyMillil

Lurking

My younger sister found out she was pregnant a few weeks after I was diagnosed with infertility. She decided to call me with the news because it "didn't feel right" to text me something so big. Not only did I have to struggle to hold it together on the phone with her because I didn't want to ruin her excitement, but she called me out of the blue when I happened to be working late so I ended up having to lock myself in my office sobbing, and calling DH to help me get it together enough to finish my job. I would definitely recommend texting the news, saying you are available whenever if she needs to chat, and let her react however she needs to without having to worry about saying or doing something that could upset you. Also avoid saying stuff like "I wanted you to be first" or "I didn't think it would happen so fast" because it's like a slap in the face reminder that she isn't pregnant. Also, respect that she may not want to hear every little detail about your pregnancy, not because she doesn't care, but because it's hard.

dirtanddiamonds

I’m dealing with this. Although I’m the older one. And my younger brother and his wife are trying. They’ve been trying for a couple years. I hoped and prayed they’d get their BFP before we did. They got married after I had my third. If that makes the timeline clearer. I texted my brother first. And let him go from there. His wife had surgery today to remove cysts from her ovaries. Ended up losing part of one. And I had planned to come visit. And surprisingly they still wanted me up there. I let them do the questioning about me and my pregnancy. I don’t bring it up. So far I feel I’m being almost silly overly cautious because they’ve been nothing but kind. But long story short, drop the bomb quickly and gently, and let them take the lead afterwards. My best advice. Good luck. 

brzvice

I've been lurking this thread and luckily haven't been in this situation myself but I just want to say all these responses are heartfelt and honest and you ladies all are awesome in showing your support and sharing your experience for OP. 

kindbytealikat

I agree with above poster. Although you are generally a talking type of relationship in this situation it forces her to have a certain reaction. I would text her and make sure she’s home and then give the news to her simple and factually. While I get where proudparent2b is coming from with just dropping it in casual conversation, to me almost seems to be dismissing any consideration to how that news may effect her.

leahcimmichael

My younger sister texted me that she was expecting her 2nd after I’d had a MC and a CP within a year. I was fortunately at home and gave my phone to DH and said “text her congratulations. I can’t right now.” It took me about 48 hours to process and be “ok enough” to call her. I appreciate her giving me the space to do so and telling me first so that I didn’t hear it through the grapevine and feel excluded.

Unfortunately, with infertility and pregnancy loss there are ok days and there are bad days... so we had a mis-step a few weeks later when she complained to me about pregnancy symptoms on a day I wasn’t doing well. My point being that beyond the initial telling, it is important to understand that your sister’s ongoing feelings about your pregnancy might vary day to day. Doing things like only discussing your pregnancy when she brings it up and not taking it personally if she doesn’t react to something the way you’d hoped might help maintain your relationship. 

meeks2020

I want to second @doxiemoxie212 , she had a great response 

sporbycheck

Please don't text this news. It's worth a phone call.

I'm 36 and was TTC for about a year and a half, saw a fertility doc and everything. About six months before my BFP (our first), my little sister (she's 26) called me to say she was pregnant with her third. 

She was beautifully compassionate about how she delivered the news, and she held space for me to be upset or sad if I needed to be. She told me she knew I'd been having trouble TTC and that she was pregnant and that she understood if that was hard for me to hear and told me that she was there to listen if I needed to talk about how I was feeling.

I can't imagine the conversation feeling as warm, loving, and respectful of my feelings if she'd just shot me a text, even though we have most of our convos via text. 

sporbycheck

FWIW I get where others are coming from when they say texting lets your sister respond after she's had time to process. My sister asked me about a time to talk when I'd be home and wouldn't have other stuff going on so she avoided springing the news on me in the middle of my work day or some equally inconvenient time by scheduling the call. 

lauramariiie

@sporbycheck Yeah. I'm still really torn between calling and texting. I totally get where everyone is coming from - she's going to take it hard, I think, even if she tries to hide it...but I think it would be weird on my part to text that when it's my first and we don't typically give big news via text. Either way, I think I'm going to reach out to her tomorrow evening after she's off work - so she'd have a full day to process before we arrive for the holidays. If I were a STM, I'd probably be totally okay and on board with texting her about it..but I can't decide if she'd be mad that I did this time around or not. 

I am so incredibly thankful that I asked all of you for help with this. You guys have been more helpful than I could have imagined and have amazing insight. It confirms why I'm here and why I will stay around. I still don't know what I'm going to do. My husband doesn't fully understand the gravity of it all and thinks a text is too impersonal but I totally get where everyone is coming with that. Timing and delivery are everything in this and I don't want to overthinkit, but I also think my husband expects her to be super cheerful and happy about it when I really don't expect that at all from her, rightfully so.

Big, big hugs to all of you who have been on either side of this situation.

livinthesunnylife

Recently had a similar interaction.  My BFF has been TTC for 6 months or so we are the same age (36) and this is my second vs her first.  We really wanted to have our littles be close friends.  But we conceived really quickly and they haven't yet.  I told her on Friday, in person, just the two of us.  I cried.  She laughed at me for crying.  And then asked a lot of very detailed questions about timing and what has worked for us- info I will gladly provide my BFF.  The fact that her sister was able to have 2 kids actually gives her a lot of hope, so your sister may find it positive as some fertility issues are genetic.  But tell her privately, just you and her.  And you are a good person for focusing on her feelings.

lauramariiie

UPDATE **12/21***: I called her this afternoon when I knew she was off work. She didn’t take it well. It was maybe a 4 minute long conversation and honestly, a little awkward. But it’s done and it isn’t hanging over my head anymore. I do think I’m going to change my plan for telling my parents. Originally we were going to give them an ornament and have them open it during presents on Christmas Day, so my brothers would be there too...but I just don’t feel great about it now. We’ll likely tell them when my siblings aren’t around.  She did text me just now (a few hours after we spoke) and said she’s excited and we didn’t have to tell her before my parents, but I still think it was the right thing to do. Thank you guys all for your help and guidance, it’s a tough situation but with your help I think I did the best I could.