This thread is for those who have started TTC but are now TTA or Benched. (There is also a TTCAL "sister" thread.)
***General TW that this thread can and will mention MC and loss.***
This is a place for those of us who have already started TTC, but have hit a roadblock and are delaying for whatever reason. You can express your thoughts, feelings, and frustrations on not TTC and connect with others who are in the same boat. TTC can be a long journey, and having to wait makes it feel even longer -- even if it is for a good reason. I invite you to resurrect this thread at any point in the week if you have something to say. Treat this like an ongoing conversation.
Benched = involuntarily not NTNP/TTC and "out of the game," usually due to medical reasons
TTA = avoiding pregnancy by using protection or FAM, usually for non-health-related reasons __________________________________________________________________
How long do you think you'll be here? Around 5 more months! (That's a happy exclamation point, time is actually moving again)
How have things been going?
Good, I am getting my last hemo infusion right now. Saw the oncologist today too, I will started 1 month of weekly blood work, then blood work every month for a while. Emotionally, usually okay.
Any R/R/CS/Q? No
GTKY: How long have you been with your SO? We have been together for 12 years, married for 8. We met each other the day I graduated high school.
@holly123 - I'm glad things are moving forward for you and you had your last treatment! You've been with your SO a long time! My favorite question to ask couples that have been together for awhile is what is the greatest relationship advice or lesson you've learned? I'd love to know your answer.
Are you benched or TTA?
Benched
What brings you here?
EP on 11/20
How long do you think you'll be here? Anywhere from 6-8 weeks to 3-4 months. It's all going to depend on my post op appointment.
How have things been going?
Better, I had a rough night with friends over the weekend, but it really made me mentally change my thought process. It wasn't from me being upset, it was actually the opposite. My friends were sobbing, I ended up comforting then all night. It was strange and exhausting. It really made me change my thought process.
Any R/R/CS/Q?
I do... but I don't know if anyone can answer them more then google. I know the answer anyway "everyone heals/body is different"
GTKY: How long have you been with your SO? We've been together almost 4 years, but married in July.
@holly321I'm glad this is your last chemo treatment and that you are emotionally ok. @galactickates went out for dinner with a friend last week and she started crying when I was talking about my last mc. I wasn't expecting that reaction from her and it shocked me a little bit. You should ask your question, even if the answer is everyone is different, sometimes it helps to hear what other people went through.
Are you benched or TTA? Benched
What brings you here? 3 early losses
How long do you think you'll be here? At least January, but I should know for sure mid-December when I get all the results back.
How have things been going? Things are going ok, I just want my cycle to start up again so I can schedule my HSG test. I'm starting to get impatient about waiting for results.
Any R/R/CS/Q? Nothing at the moment.
GTKY: How long have you been with your SO? 10.5 years, married for 6.5 years.
@holly321 - glad to know you have a clearer timeline! That always helps me feel better about waiting. @galactickates - I'm curious to see your questions, too. Yes, everyone is different, but I personally like hearing what others have gone through even if it doesn't necessarily apply to me. Helps me understand the whole process better in general.
Are you benched or TTA? Benched - until we get more money next year.
What brings you here? Need money because fertility treatments are $$$$$$. Thank goodness for our health savings account.
How long do you think you'll be here? January or February at the earliest, April at the latest.
How have things been going? Okay. We had our appointment with the new RE. He's going to test DW's ovarian function and we'll go from there. Provided her numbers are acceptable we have a few options:
She could try an IUI early next year - probably her last one. Thing is, the protocol they want to try is much more aggressive than she likely needs. She responded well to low doses of Femara but they wanted to combine that with Follistim. If she does it and ends up with too many eggs they'd need to convert to IVF or cancel the cycle. It's $1500 a cycle for IUI and I would hate to throw that money away so we agreed we'd convert if we had to. But if that happened reciprocal IVF would be out because I wouldn't be synchronized to the cycle so then she'd have to go through all that plus the pregnancy itself.
The other option for that would be to just freeze the embryos and transfer them to me later on. I wouldn't be opposed to that but it may end up costing us more in the long run. We'll see.
The last option is to just go for it and try reciprocal IVF when we both have more flexibility at work (late winter, February-March). That's what I'd really like to do but DW wants to try to save money by trying IUI first. I'm getting really sick of waffling around and just want a plan but DW is seriously over-thinking everything and it's frustrating. I know she'll have her mind made up by January so I just have to wait and see what she wants to do. I'm trying to stay hands-off because this is her body and I don't want to talk her into doing something she'd regret.
R/R/CS/Q: Rave: my mom didn't start any drama over Thanksgiving so that was really nice! Last year she got drunk and cried and bitched my grandma out (my dad's mother). It really sucked. But some of the major problems our family has been having are getting resolved so I'm praying for a peaceful future. The younger generation (my cousins and I) are trying to take over more of the heavy-lifting with planning, hosting, and all that. Fingers crossed that will help since we don't fight the way our parents do.
GTKY: How long have you been with your SO? 14 years in March of next year - wow, I feel old. We've been married almost 3 years. Fun fact: we'd have gotten married MUCH sooner if gay marriage was legalized. We didn't see the point in having a commitment ceremony since it meant jack shit until 2015. We still haven't had a wedding - we just signed some papers with our friend who is an ordained minister. My family has been pressuring us to have a party to celebrate but if we don't have money to complete our family, we certainly don't have money to celebrate our marriage. But we will, one day, when our priorities shift.
@ChloandCoco and @wishiwaspreggo - I'd love to hear your secret for staying together so long. Or your best relationship advice. The best anewer I ever got to that question was "you and your SO are going to grow no matter what. Make sure you grow together" I keep these jewels of wisdom in my heart. Only if you feel like sharing though.
As for my question I'll put it in a spoiler because it's about bleeding
I'm just wondering how long the bleeding lasts. I'm not sure if surgery is the same as other losses, I would think it would be, because your losing your lining no matter what happened. It's been a week and it's lightened up significantly today but I thought the same thing yesterday and it ended up being the same bs as previous days. I think that's honestly the worst part of recovering. I feel like I'm chained to my bathroom and don't really enjoy leaving the house for very long. I am not worried about the amount, I know when to check in with my Dr. Just mentally I have no idea how long this lasts. Any day would be great now....
@galactickates , I think that 2 weeks is normal. With my first loss,vi was still bleeding at 2 weeks, and I was told to call if it didn't stop within another week (it stopped he day before I was to call). This time around it was different, but that was expected.
As to the secret to being together, honestly, I am not sure. We used to fight a lot, now not so much. It has gotten easier as time goes on. I will think more on this and see if I can come up with an answer.
Thank you @holly321 - mentally it really helps to know what to prepare myself for. After the big screw up at my Dr's office, I honestly don't have confidence in anything they say anymore.
I love my DH but in a moment of frustration from me crying. He was like why are you thinking about it? He also said it's hard for him to see me upset and not be able to do anything about it, but that's a whole other thing.... but I had to remind him I've got physical scars on my body that are healing and sore. Every moment of the day I'm thinking about what my next trip into the bathroom is going to be like. It's not so easy to be distracted while your body is going through this.
(I have no idea why I cant unbold this @holly321 my SIL had a molar pregnancy 2 years ago and had Chemo as well, they benched her for like a year after the shot.
@galactickates TW when I had a MC like 17 years ago, I bled for about 3 weeks.
@wishiwaspreggo I hear you about family brawls! We have a few gems in our family that really make the holidays interesting.
@ChloandCoco When we had our first app with the RE AF was supposed to show up within a couple days(I timed it that way lol) and guess who decided they wanted to be 9 days late that month?!?! Yup AF , so I understand the waiting game for her to get here!
Are you benched or TTA? Benched
What brings you here? Just waiting it out.. I got A Rubella booster last week so I’m not supposed to have unprotected sex for 30 days... ummmm really?!!! That’s a long time! And it’s not like we have condoms laying around! SOs 2nd SA is on Thur and then we can start moving foward with the ER!
How long do you think you'll be here? Probably till Feb/March. Even though we are doing our ER this month I need a minor surgery to remove a septate uterus ( hopefully at the end of Dec, latest early Jan), then we can move forward with our FET when I heal
How have things been going? Well I’m on the tail end of a vicious stomach bug ugh, yesterday was HELL! Puking all afternoon was not how i pictures my Sunday after a long weekend going.
Any R/R/CS/Q? Not right now
GTKY: How long have you been with your SO? Less than 2 years ..you know when you just know?? Yup that’s how it went with us! We literally fell in love and have been together ever since.. Started TTC a few months back I just turned 37 and he’s 42 so we wanted to get a move on..Couldn’t imagine going through this life and this crazy infertility train with anyone else.
@galactickates I don't really know what works, but I have discovered over the last couple of years that it's really important to go on dates and find something you like to do together. I think as long as you both have the same life goals, you can generally make things work.
As for the bleeding, during my first nmc, I bled heavily (I should've called my doctor due to the blood loss) for a week until the mc was complete and then I had medium to light bleeding for another week. I found the bleeding to be the worse thing about a mc, it kept me from moving on.
I've found that my DH moved on relatively quickly and he didn't understand that certain things would remind me of my loss. But once I started talking to him more openly about the bleeding/pain he started to understand that I was still struggling.
Thank you @ChloandCoco for sharing. I completely agree with you on not being able to move on because of it. My DH has done an incredible job with being loving and supportive, but he's also dealing with house stuff at the same time. He's really mechanical and so his brain has moved on to problem solving the next item on the list. I totally get it
@galactickates, I find, with this loss more than our last ( I was 2nd trimester last time) that DH and I are grieving very differently. I think men feel like they can't have or show the emotional side with a miscarriage since they feel it is their job to make it better. But men feel like they have to fix things, and they can't fix this, so they don't know how to help, so generally they think it best to not bring I up, since they feel that makes it worse. The farther we get from the loss, (it's been 3 months) the more emotion my husband is showing. Initially, I was bitter towards TW my pregnant SIL. Don't get me wrong, I am happy for them, but it sucks. DH didn't get it. The farther out we are, the more pregnancy (of others) seems to upset my husband. Sorry if I rambled and I probably over generalized and explained my husband, but I have seen it in others too.
@ndz2018 condoms are the worst! We have had to use them since the beginning of September! We have 3 more weeks until the chemo is out of my system and we don't need them!
@holly321 - mine is the same way. I think he doesn't want to bring it up because he hates seeing me sad. Ps I never think anyone is rambling. I really like the discussions we all have and learning about everyone.
@ChloandCoco, I get the general idea of a HSG, but don't know much about them. So you get the results immediately at the test, or is there any pathology taken?
@wishiwaspreggo, did you do reciprocol IVF last time? And that's great the family drama is getting settled. Mine only did because I stopped talking to 75% of my family, lol.
@ndz2018, my gynaecological oncologist was saying she wanted to benched me for 1-2 years, my regular OBgyn (and regular oncologist, whose opinion doesn't matter to me, lol) both say 6 months. My OBgyn may be flexible to a bit less of a wait, but I haven't pushed the subject yet. I hope your procedures go well in the upcoming weeks! And the stomach bug is the worst! I hope you are feeling better!
@holly321 Yeah, not looking foward to this procedure but I had A feeling , call it woman’s intuition if you will, something was wrong when we were first TTC so I booked An app with the RE a lil bit sooner.. and I’m damn glad I did. We got our initial US the same day as the first app and they saw I had it. Then it was verified with the HSG(yes, you get your results immediately like while they’re doing it they tell you) and confirmed by the saline sono I got the next day. Now all of this would have been fine to start TTC on our own but SOs semen analysis come back low and 0%morph, which we can by pass with IVF.
@galactickates - I think it's important to be on the same page with your spouse philosophically first and foremost (i.e. agreeing on how finances are handled, how you deal with family dynamics, your political beliefs and how strongly/actively you participate, etc.). We agree in every area that matters most which is good. Beyond that, having mutual respect, open communication, and readily forgiving them for mistakes helps a lot. We never swear at each other (but we cuss like sailors otherwise). We don't snoop through each other's stuff, phones, purses, etc. We always ask first. Stuff like that. We both place high value on experiences over material possessions and if someone handed us $5K to do whatever we wanted with (aside from the obvious) we'd say simultaneously "VACATION!" We do bicker a lot, like any other couple, but don't have serious fights anymore, probably because of our personalities, willingness to compromise, and we just know each other really well now. That pretty much sums it up!
@holly321 - previously we did IUI and it worked on our 6th attempt with me. I'm pushing for reciprocal because 1) her eggs are probably better than mine; 2) she's not a cooperative patient (she's the type that stops taking antibiotics when she feels better - yeah). 3) she's afraid of giving birth whereas I've BTDT and it wasn't traumatic for me so I don't mind doing it again 4) she has a much better response to meds than me. Good news is the RE said there wouldn't be a cost difference if we did reciprocal. I'm just trying to figure out if they'd reduce the cost of IVF if we didn't move forward with ET, froze the embryos, and did FET later on. If it WOULD reduce the cost, then I'd just have DW do the first part (stimming, retrieval, and fertilization) and then I'd do FET in late spring. It would give me a little time to lose some more weight and probably make pregnancy a little easier on me than last time.
Not very long now! After I get my next period which should be due next week I should be good to go.
How have things been going?
We haven’t really been talking about trying again because we’ve both just been healing quietly this time but now it’s getting closer I’m feeling more and more apprehensive about it. Like I’m so excited for it to be our time but I also have a lot of anxieties surrounding trying and getting that positive test again.
Any R/R/CS/Q?
Rave - I’m back at school and it’s been going really well! I’ve been learning a lot and am actually excited to write my essays and I’m feeling so much more productive and positive than I was before I took a break. I think it just shows that the break was really the best thing for my career.
GTKY: How long have you been with your SO? 5 and 1/2 years on Christmas Day! We started dating when we were in school so our friends like to tease us that we’re childhood sweethearts haha
@ChloandCoco Ahhh gotcha! Yeah we had our genetic testing done on 10/27 and our consultation in 11/22. So it was just about a month. I came back completely fine and SO is a carrier of weird absurbtion disorder but since I’m not the chances of our LO getting it Are very slim but it was pretty cool hearing the results.
@ndz2018 I'm pretty sure that the genetic test will come back normal because we already have a daughter, but our OB just wants to cover everything before he gives us the all clear to try again.
@holly321 I know I’ve said it before but I’m just going to keep congratulating you on finishing up chemo, you’re doing amazing! I also second what you said about you and your husband feeling regarding pregnancies. I usually get bitter when people announce because while I’m so happy for them it’s just a reminder to me of what we could have had and Fi didn’t really understand that and seemed fine around that information. He recently though has gotten vocal about seeing the babies in the family which didn’t used to bother him as much, or it did but he didn’t admit it.
@galactickates With my first loss I had surgery and did bleed for over a month I think which definitely impacted my mood. I completely agree with everything that you said about having constant reminders because you in yourself are a reminder. For me personally I had a lot of other factors going on but I feel that I found I could really start to heal when the bleeding stopped and it made me feel more positive in a way about everything.
And well done to all you ladies for keeping such long relationships going!
How long do you think you'll be here? Should be around March-April. We're going to call to make our appointment after the holidays.
How have things been going? Good right now, happy to try again soon. But trying to be cautious about getting too exited and a little stressed out because our fresh transfer ended in a miscarriage. We have five more frozen embryos so I am really hoping we can get another take home baby.
Any R/R/CS/Q? Not right now
GTKY: How long have you been with your SO? A little over six years now.
35 years old, TTC #1 Dec 28, 2011 PCOS, Hypothyroidism.
First IVF cycle June 5th 2015 --- BFP Miscarriage at 8 weeks
FET December 15th 2015--- BFP! First saw at 6w4d It's a boy!
Luciano Alessandro Maximiliano was born on September 3rd 2016
@Alyeena Hey! Sorry to hear about your MC. When did you guys do your retrieval? Ours is coming up in a few weeks, then PGS testing and to freeze..then i have a minor surgery and have to heal. We’re also looking at a March FET too.
@ndz2018 Thank you. We did our retrieval May 31st 2015, that seems so long ago now... Good luck for your retrieval, I hope you get a lot of healthy embryos!!
35 years old, TTC #1 Dec 28, 2011 PCOS, Hypothyroidism.
First IVF cycle June 5th 2015 --- BFP Miscarriage at 8 weeks
FET December 15th 2015--- BFP! First saw at 6w4d It's a boy!
Luciano Alessandro Maximiliano was born on September 3rd 2016
Re: Benched/TTA W/O 11/27
GTKY: How long have you been with your SO? We have been together for 12 years, married for 8. We met each other the day I graduated high school.
Are you benched or TTA?
What brings you here?
How long do you think you'll be here?
Anywhere from 6-8 weeks to 3-4 months. It's all going to depend on my post op appointment.
GTKY: How long have you been with your SO?
We've been together almost 4 years, but married in July.
@galactickates went out for dinner with a friend last week and she started crying when I was talking about my last mc. I wasn't expecting that reaction from her and it shocked me a little bit. You should ask your question, even if the answer is everyone is different, sometimes it helps to hear what other people went through.
@galactickates - I'm curious to see your questions, too. Yes, everyone is different, but I personally like hearing what others have gone through even if it doesn't necessarily apply to me. Helps me understand the whole process better in general.
Are you benched or TTA? Benched - until we get more money next year.
What brings you here? Need money because fertility treatments are $$$$$$. Thank goodness for our health savings account.
How long do you think you'll be here? January or February at the earliest, April at the latest.
How have things been going? Okay. We had our appointment with the new RE. He's going to test DW's ovarian function and we'll go from there. Provided her numbers are acceptable we have a few options:
She could try an IUI early next year - probably her last one. Thing is, the protocol they want to try is much more aggressive than she likely needs. She responded well to low doses of Femara but they wanted to combine that with Follistim. If she does it and ends up with too many eggs they'd need to convert to IVF or cancel the cycle. It's $1500 a cycle for IUI and I would hate to throw that money away so we agreed we'd convert if we had to. But if that happened reciprocal IVF would be out because I wouldn't be synchronized to the cycle so then she'd have to go through all that plus the pregnancy itself.
The other option for that would be to just freeze the embryos and transfer them to me later on. I wouldn't be opposed to that but it may end up costing us more in the long run. We'll see.
The last option is to just go for it and try reciprocal IVF when we both have more flexibility at work (late winter, February-March). That's what I'd really like to do but DW wants to try to save money by trying IUI first. I'm getting really sick of waffling around and just want a plan but DW is seriously over-thinking everything and it's frustrating. I know she'll have her mind made up by January so I just have to wait and see what she wants to do. I'm trying to stay hands-off because this is her body and I don't want to talk her into doing something she'd regret.
R/R/CS/Q: Rave: my mom didn't start any drama over Thanksgiving so that was really nice! Last year she got drunk and cried and bitched my grandma out (my dad's mother). It really sucked. But some of the major problems our family has been having are getting resolved so I'm praying for a peaceful future. The younger generation (my cousins and I) are trying to take over more of the heavy-lifting with planning, hosting, and all that. Fingers crossed that will help since we don't fight the way our parents do.
GTKY: How long have you been with your SO? 14 years in March of next year - wow, I feel old. We've been married almost 3 years. Fun fact: we'd have gotten married MUCH sooner if gay marriage was legalized. We didn't see the point in having a commitment ceremony since it meant jack shit until 2015. We still haven't had a wedding - we just signed some papers with our friend who is an ordained minister. My family has been pressuring us to have a party to celebrate but if we don't have money to complete our family, we certainly don't have money to celebrate our marriage. But we will, one day, when our priorities shift.
As for my question I'll put it in a spoiler because it's about bleeding
I'm just wondering how long the bleeding lasts. I'm not sure if surgery is the same as other losses, I would think it would be, because your losing your lining no matter what happened. It's been a week and it's lightened up significantly today but I thought the same thing yesterday and it ended up being the same bs as previous days. I think that's honestly the worst part of recovering. I feel like I'm chained to my bathroom and don't really enjoy leaving the house for very long. I am not worried about the amount, I know when to check in with my Dr. Just mentally I have no idea how long this lasts. Any day would be great now....
As to the secret to being together, honestly, I am not sure. We used to fight a lot, now not so much. It has gotten easier as time goes on. I will think more on this and see if I can come up with an answer.
I love my DH but in a moment of frustration from me crying. He was like why are you thinking about it? He also said it's hard for him to see me upset and not be able to do anything about it, but that's a whole other thing.... but I had to remind him I've got physical scars on my body that are healing and sore. Every moment of the day I'm thinking about what my next trip into the bathroom is going to be like. It's not so easy to be distracted while your body is going through this.
This all blows...
@holly321 my SIL had a molar pregnancy 2 years ago and had Chemo as well, they benched her for like a year after the shot.
@galactickates TW when I had a MC like 17 years ago, I bled for about 3 weeks.
@wishiwaspreggo I hear you about family brawls! We have a few gems in our family that really make the holidays interesting.
@ChloandCoco When we had our first app with the RE AF was supposed to show up within a couple days(I timed it that way lol) and guess who decided they wanted to be 9 days late that month?!?! Yup AF , so I understand the waiting game for her to get here!
Are you benched or TTA? Benched
SOs 2nd SA is on Thur and then we can start moving foward with the ER!
GTKY: How long have you been with your SO? Less than 2 years ..you know when you just know?? Yup that’s how it went with us! We literally fell in love and have been together ever since.. Started TTC a few months back I just turned 37 and he’s 42 so we wanted to get a move on..Couldn’t imagine going through this life and this crazy infertility train with anyone else.
As for the bleeding, during my first nmc, I bled heavily (I should've called my doctor due to the blood loss) for a week until the mc was complete and then I had medium to light bleeding for another week. I found the bleeding to be the worse thing about a mc, it kept me from moving on.
I've found that my DH moved on relatively quickly and he didn't understand that certain things would remind me of my loss. But once I started talking to him more openly about the bleeding/pain he started to understand that I was still struggling.
The farther we get from the loss, (it's been 3 months) the more emotion my husband is showing. Initially, I was bitter towards TW my pregnant SIL. Don't get me wrong, I am happy for them, but it sucks. DH didn't get it. The farther out we are, the more pregnancy (of others) seems to upset my husband. Sorry if I rambled and I probably over generalized and explained my husband, but I have seen it in others too.
@ndz2018 condoms are the worst! We have had to use them since the beginning of September! We have 3 more weeks until the chemo is out of my system and we don't need them!
YAY for 3 more weeks!!
@wishiwaspreggo, did you do reciprocol IVF last time? And that's great the family drama is getting settled. Mine only did because I stopped talking to 75% of my family, lol.
@ndz2018, my gynaecological oncologist was saying she wanted to benched me for 1-2 years, my regular OBgyn (and regular oncologist, whose opinion doesn't matter to me, lol) both say 6 months. My OBgyn may be flexible to a bit less of a wait, but I haven't pushed the subject yet. I hope your procedures go well in the upcoming weeks! And the stomach bug is the worst! I hope you are feeling better!
@holly321 - previously we did IUI and it worked on our 6th attempt with me. I'm pushing for reciprocal because 1) her eggs are probably better than mine; 2) she's not a cooperative patient (she's the type that stops taking antibiotics when she feels better - yeah). 3) she's afraid of giving birth whereas I've BTDT and it wasn't traumatic for me so I don't mind doing it again 4) she has a much better response to meds than me. Good news is the RE said there wouldn't be a cost difference if we did reciprocal. I'm just trying to figure out if they'd reduce the cost of IVF if we didn't move forward with ET, froze the embryos, and did FET later on. If it WOULD reduce the cost, then I'd just have DW do the first part (stimming, retrieval, and fertilization) and then I'd do FET in late spring. It would give me a little time to lose some more weight and probably make pregnancy a little easier on me than last time.
Loss at 9 weeks In October
GTKY: How long have you been with your SO?
5 and 1/2 years on Christmas Day! We started dating when we were in school so our friends like to tease us that we’re childhood sweethearts haha
@galactickates With my first loss I had surgery and did bleed for over a month I think which definitely impacted my mood. I completely agree with everything that you said about having constant reminders because you in yourself are a reminder. For me personally I had a lot of other factors going on but I feel that I found I could really start to heal when the bleeding stopped and it made me feel more positive in a way about everything.
And well done to all you ladies for keeping such long relationships going!
Are you benched or TTA? Benched
GTKY: How long have you been with your SO? A little over six years now.
PCOS, Hypothyroidism.
Miscarriage at 8 weeks
First saw at 6w4d
It's a boy!
PCOS, Hypothyroidism.
Miscarriage at 8 weeks
First saw at 6w4d
It's a boy!