@ooodalollly This is similar to my thoughts. I would actually rather have guest while we are in the hospital that when we arrive home. They tend to have shorter, more manageable visits! I do not feel bad about turing people away for a bit if I am nursing or pumping.
It just all depends on how your family is. For me, my parents are amazing. They were so excited about the baby and I couldn't wait to introduce them to baby. Same with my in laws. I was so overjoyed to introduce him to them! In the hospital, we limited visitors but did invite some.
At home, my parents stayed for about a week and then my mom stayed for two more weeks. They did house projects, cleaned, cooked healthy meals, did all laundry, and helped with baby. Newborn's sleep is horrible, and so it was so nice to be able to come downstairs, give my mom the baby, and go back to bed. My husband was there that first week, but his work was really stressful so he had to be in our home office for part of that time. It was so nice not to have to worry about a messy house or what's for dinner, but to wake up to a clean house and healthy food for every meal. My mom stayed for awhile so some nights she'd go upstairs and watch tv and let DH and I have a night to ourselves.
After she left, MIL (who lives ten min away) would come over for a morning or afternoon every once in awhile. She'd call first, ask if I wanted a nap or a bath, and then come hold the baby so I could do that in peace. It was so nice. I wish she helped with cleaning, because my unvacuumed floors drove me crazy, but oh well. I really appreciated and really needed the family support.
In addition, my mom nursed me, and so she was so helpful in those first few days of nursing with getting my latch right and just assuring me that I was doing a good job.
with ds I had my mom fly up to us a couple days after we got home from the hospital. She is a cooking and cleaning angel and I loved having her help since I went back to school exactly a week after giving birth and it helped having my baby with someone I trusted. But we realized a whole month may be a little long cause we adjusted pretty well. Though admittedly having all my dinners cooked for me and never having to wash a dish that whole time was a dream... But with a tiny apartment it did get pretty cramped. The birth was also cramped as my husband's entire extended family was in the waiting room while I gave birth. We told them not to come and that we would tell them when the baby was here but all 20+ of them came haha it was a mad house. I honestly didn't mind as much as I thought I would though. Our plan this time is to let my mil and 2 sil along with my husband if it's looking like another easy delivery (one sil is a birth photographer) if baby comes early, otherwise my parents are coming into town the week I am due since my in-laws will all be gone that week so we have someone to watch ds and my mom will come into delivery if she is there in time she assisted two of my sil home births so she is pretty calm in that kind of situation. I will have her stay a few weeks again since I will again be going back to school a week later if possible and will need the help while dh is working. but she will be staying with my in-laws 10 min away since our place is really small.
No one from our families but my husband will be there while I give birth. I don't think either of our families would plan to do that anyway. Once I am settled after birth and have some mother/father bonding time with baby I will welcome hospital guests. I think it's sweet when people care enough to come and I never realized it was a source of stress for some people.
House guests...I don't mind it, but don't want a steady stream of people in and out all the time! I also don't want to feel like my house has to be spotless in case people drop by. However, I realize that people will be excited for me and excited to meet the baby, and I appreciate that. My due date will also fall very close to Thanksgiving, so we will for sure be letting people come to us for that. Hopefully they will bring food, I've never cooked thanksgiving dinner and I sure don't want to try it for the first time with a newborn!
It is really important to stick with what you and your hubs are comfortable with. We have experienced a variation of this and drew our boundaries. While it was uncomfortable at first, it made things easier later. Ibalways just remind myself, they had their kids and already got to do this their way. Do the ultrasounds how it makes you comfortable, not them. I think it is overboard to video it. They are not small children. It's not their pregnancy. It's yours.They should be supporting you and your choices.
Kudos to you and your hubs for being a united front.
We have a 2nd on the way and are having to double down with some family members as they try to push back on our boundaries. It's tough sometimes, but we have found that our relationship and family are better for it. Our first born has positive relationships with all grandparents. Part of that is because we stand up for ourselves and things that are important to our nuclear family.
My patience with my MIL is really starting to wear thin. She is very well-intentioned but she is driving me nuts.
To be completely honest, she isn't normally very involved in our lives. She lives about 25 minutes from us and we see here maybe 4-5 times a year. The truth is, DH and I see my family for more days per year and they live 4 states away. DH doesn't pro-actively try to see his mother and he doesn't like her partner. So, while we are friendly, we aren't super closer.
Well, ever since announcing we are pregnant, she is turned a complete 180 and way too involved. She texts more often to see how I feel, she wants to go appointments, have us over more often and now is throwing a fit about a baby shower.
Long story short, my mother was going to fly in to host a shower in September. I told my mom, that while the thought was sweet, I really do not have very many female friends (like 3-4) and it wouldn't be worth the time, money and effort. And I really don't like showers...they are awkward and I hate the attention. My mother took it well. Instead, we decided we would go to So Cal for our babymoon in September and would go to their hometown for a few days. She is planning a bbq/shower there with all of my aunts, cousins, grandmothers and their friends (about 20-25 people). She insisted and I just said fine.
Well, now DH's mom found out and is upset she won't be included or a part of it. I tried to nicely explain to her why the situation is the way it is. I even said if she wants to host something small here (no obligations to do so), that we would gladly attend so she can participate. But she is pretty estranged from her family and there would maybe be 5-10 people there.
So I said, why don't we host a casual bbq that we could invite DH's friends, couples and her family/friends instead. She went on to say it would be awkward for her because she wouldn't know that many people there. DH says he doesn't understand the point of it and I am just at my wits end.
This is exactly why I don't like these kind of events and I am so tired of other people getting their panties in a bunch when in reality, I don't give a f**k and I am on the one who is pregnant!
I told DH, this round about communication with her texting me, not liking the answer and then texting him has to stop. I also told him he can communicate with his mom and I will manage my family relationships. He needs to put his foot down more and inform her that she will not be allowed in the delivery room (neither will my family). I am sure she won't be happy about it, but I just don't care anymore.
@dragonfly87-2 that's so frustrating. I love baby showers and am looking forward to mine but if it's not your thing, you should never feel forced into it. The mom-to-be's feelings should matter the most. I'm sorry everyone is thinking of themselves instead of you and that your MIL is basically putting you in a lose-lose situation. You presented a perfect solution, in my opinion, and she's still turning you down so I'm not really understanding what she wants from you. Hopefully she's just annoyed, needs to throw a little fit, and will get over it once she realizes what she's doing.
For DS who was born July 2nd, I had DH's whole family at the hospital and my sister. (I do not have parents, they have been deceased since I was in my very early 20's so 20 plus years ago.) DH's family is very close and I'm very family oriented so we are all actively involved in each other's lives. Because it was a holiday weekend, DH's brother and wife who lived 2 hours away, were in for the weekend and DH's father who lives in Las Vegas was also in town for the holiday. So, they were all at the hospital. In fact, my MIL and SIL were in the delivery room while I was getting admitted, laboring and waiting for my epidural. Every time the doctor would come in to check me, I'd make them leave the room. No one needs to see my business! After I gave birth with only DH in the room, I allowed everyone in the room to see and hold DS. It didn't bother me. I was so tired from lack of sleep that I was fine with people being in the room. I was discharged 2 days later. When I got home, they were all at the house with groceries for a cookout. I was a little takenback by the whole idea of invading my house but it didn't bother me too much.
This time, we are living in a different state, 4.5 hours from home. MIL is planning to drive down as soon as she gets the call that I'm in labor so she can help with DS. Otherwise I have no idea what we are going to do with DS while I'm in labor. I'm actually contemplating inviting MIL, SIL and her husband, and FIL for Thanksgiving since I'm due 2 days after the holiday. That way they will all be here if I go into labor.
@DuchessOfCambridgebcashaw I think she has calmed down a bit. My mother ended up calling and talking to her (they talk a lot already). At one point, MIL wanted to do a shower on July 4 (since family will be in town), but I just don't think that's appropriate for a number of reasons.
1) It's way too early, I will only be 19w5d 2) We won't know the gender for another week 3) It's the 4th of July....a day for people to celebrate something else...seems way to selfish to pick that day 4) I won't have even registered yet
Luckily, my mom convinced her not to try that. So she is still pushing for something that week, but I nicely suggested a simple book shower that is hopefully simple and cheap. She said that would be good...and wants to buy outfits and other small things...which I said didn't make sense as we won't know the gender. Ugh...it's an evolving situation.
@DuchessOfCambridge It's a hard line to toe! On one hand, I don't want to hurt people's feelings and they are well-intentioned...but on the other hand, I don't want to be a doormat either. I feel ya on the hard to please MILs. Hopefully yours hasn't been too much trouble lately!
I am really so torn on this. I keep changing my mind. We don't have any family except my sister around but I know my Mom (and probably DH's) will want to drive down here the minute I go into labor. Part of me like the idea of having family around to help with the house and meals when I get home, but the other part of me feels like I really just want time with DH and baby to figure it out and bond without all the outside influence. Plus my Mom can be very overbearing and I am not sure that is what I need right after I give birth. It would be great if they didn't stay with us, but they'd be staying with us and that feels like a lot of pressure. I know my Mom will be really upset if I don't let them come down right away and part of me does like the idea. I am so torn. sigh.
I second what others have said about setting your boundaries early and just sticking to them no matter what. I feel like I have had to stand up for my kids several times - after their births - so set boundaries with ILs and parents. It is never easy, but you have to start somewhere, and the boundaries you set at the beginning probably won't be the last. They will hopefully help set the tone that you will take not sh*t when it comes to your children.
My parents and ILs are generally helpful and respectful. Even being pregnant with #3, I still have the only grandchildren on both sides of the family so we get a lot of their attention more so than my brother or DH's brother.
With DS, I broke my foot when I was 9 months pregnant and my boot wasn't due to come off until my due date. Those last few weeks were really hard physically just getting around. My MIL had asked if she could come stay with us to help out and I said sure. She's actually helpful and cleans and does grocery shopping and all that. I had read somewhere that when people want to come help a new mother, what they really want to do is hold the baby, so the article had suggested writing lists of how you do everything; laundry routine, how you clean your bathrooms, etc so that when people say, "I want to help" you can smile and say "Sure!" and hand them a routine. So I did that and had it all done by the time she got there and even after the baby came (she stayed for a month) - that's really what she was doing for me with some baby snuggling as well, of course, but mostly actually just helping around the house.
We have always said nobody the delivery room except for us, our doula, and whatever medical staff is absolutely necessary. We stuck by that, but I did let both sets of grandparents come visit me in the hospital the same day DS was born at the same time. NEVER AGAIN. They were nice and respectful, but it was still so so overwhelming as I was trying to get nursing established, etc. I can't imagine how bad it would have been if they were less understanding.
With DD, we let my mom and MIL come each separately for 15 minutes the following day in the hospital. That was perfect for us. My ILs came a week before my due date and stayed for a month again. It was actually great. They just played with DS the entire time and took him out a lot and I got to really bond with my daughter. I did several days of "nursing-in" with her where we stayed in bed doing nothing but skin to skin and nursing on demand to really get that relationship established. It was awesome - but only works as well because they respect what we ask of them.
This time we will probably do the same. Since I'm due Nov. 7, the ILs will come out that week and stay through Thanksgiving, mainly to take care of DS and DD while DH and I bond with this new little girl. DH is taking his paternity leave from when I go into labor through Christmas. I told MIL I planned to do nothing for Thanksgiving and she has volunteered to organize and cook the entire meal, which is perfectly fine with me.
Going to resurrect this old thread now that some of you ladies are post-partum and the rest of us are close. Curious to see how plans have panned out and what reality is at this point.
Personally, I am particularly frustrated with my mother right now. We finally settled on my parents driving out about 5-7 days after our daughter is born. That took a lot of back and forth. She really wanted to drive out the day after she is born but I held my ground. DH only gets one week of time off and we really wanted the time as a family to bond and establish a routine. Then, my parent's will be here for three weeks when he returns to work. I know my mom will be helpful and I will appreciate the support, but she can be overwhelming at times with her personality and dramatics.
Well, I thought we were good. However, just today she texted and said my cousin who lives a state over wants to come out for Christmas and bring his friend/roommate. I said, great, where are they staying? Her response was, I figured your place. I promptly responded, "While I would love to see my cousin, I am not comfortable having him and a stranger staying at our house this year. I will be 4-5 weeks post-partum, have a newborn, be breastfeeding and exhausted. Also, we will already have 3 other people staying (my sister will be flying in) and that is a lot already." I even suggested they stay with my brother who lives about an hour away.
And that tipped off her dramatics. She responded saying that they don't have anywhere else to go for the holidays and probably won't come now. My brother's place is too far and in a bigger city that my cousin doesn't like driving in. They only want to come out for 3 days, yada yada yada.
I still held my ground and said I do not want them staying here and I would hope they understand. Well....then she proceeded to text, "Do you even want me and your dad staying there? Is that too much?" Cue the dramatic response from her. We finally got to a point where I made it clear I am fine with them coming, but not my cousin/his friend.
I am sure she is annoyed, but I just don't care. I am actually more frustrated that she cannot see why it would even be appropriate to ask....
@dragonfly87-2 how incredibly inappropriate for her to assume they could stay with you. Even without a new born. Good for you for standing our ground.
3 weeks with your parents is a long time. I am impressed! My parents are getting here Monday night, I’m being induced Wednesday night so we are doing thanksgiving that morning and they will probably be here about a week. Then H’s parents will come in. I’m limiting his dad to 3 days but his mom can stay longer.
We put our foot down on other people like his sister visiting until after New Years. No extra people for Christmas. No one with other kids. I don’t want the stress of people in my house i feel like I need to make sure are constantly comfortable. I need space for my hormones to sort themselves out
BFP #1: 1.22.16 MMC: 2.29.16 (
tetrasomy 11, partial deletion 1, XXX) D&C: 3.2.16 BFP #2: 4.14.16 CP: 4.17.16 BFP #3: 6.10.2016 CP: 6.17.16 RE appt: 6.27.2016-
saline sono all clear Progenity: + carrier
Tay-Sachs, Gaucher's, hemachromatosis. DH: carrier Alpha 1 anti-trypsin PCOS, hypothyroid,
MTHFR, hx of LEEP in 2006 Clomid +
TI Cycle #1: 50mg Trigger 8.24.2016- BFN Clomid
75mg + IUI#1 9.25.2016-
BFP #4 10/6 Beta #1 15 Beta #2 38 Beta #3- 71
beta #4 171 Beta # 5- 21 Natural MC 10/21 HSG- clear IVF Jan 2017 Egg Retrieval 1.22.17: 32 eggs retrieved,29 mature, 24 fertilized, 14 to blastocyst for biopsy PGS results: 4 PGS normal 2 XX, 2 XY FET: 3.13.2017 for 2 PGS embryos Beta#1: 3.24.2017......... 78; Beta # 2 241; Beta #3 4198 Baby BOY due 11.29.2017
@dragonfly87-2 You are totally right. Send her some hotel info for the cousin and leave it at that.
I personally expect my twin, her husband, and their two kids to stay at our house when they visit since they live about 4 hours away. If they come when we are still in the hospital, they can stay here without us. All other family members besides my sister across the country will only visit for a few hours. I'm glad we don't need to deal with drama. We just both have a big families.
It's funny how it's the little things in life that mean the most...not where you live, or what you drive, or the price tag on your clothes... There's no dollar sign on a piece of mind, this I've come to know! *ZBB*
@DungeonTrollMel - Yes, 3 weeks will be a long time, but luckily they will go up to my brother's for a few days/weekends and they have stayed for 2 weeks in the past without too much stress. But it is hard to know what it will be like post-partum/with a newborn.
Your expectations for visitors sounds very reasonable! I would not want other people's children around either and I think post-New Year's eve would be ideal as well. Getting past the first month is our focus and then settling in and hopefully feeling like a routine can be established, but we will see.
@nytino24 - Yeah, I will need to send some hotel stuff along. My cousin and his friend work, so while it isn't as good as "free," they could afford a hotel for a few nights. It's just that whenever people visit here, they expect to stay somewhere. Typically in the summers, we host about 8-12 families members at one time that come in from around the country for a period of two weeks because we are centrally located. But that is completely different than the current situation and both DH and I aren't interested than more than 2-3 others being around.
Do you anticipate your twin sister staying long and being helpful in the recovery? That's my thing too...if people are going to be hanging around, I at least want them to be helpful rather than feeling like I need to host them.
I only had my parents stay for a week when my husband went back to work. My mom was also here a few days after we got back from the hospital which I think was a bit much as we were trying to find a routine and also needed to get stuff organized that we didn't do before because LO came early. @dragonfly87-2 Im glad that you were able to stand your ground. That's always so hard. There is no way I would want so many guests. @DungeonTrollMel completely agree on the needing space for hormones to sort themselves out. It's hard to host people on top of dealing with that. I had some moments even with my parents where I just wanted to be left alone.
@DungeonTrollMel - Yes, 3 weeks will be a long time, but luckily they will go up to my brother's for a few days/weekends and they have stayed for 2 weeks in the past without too much stress. But it is hard to know what it will be like post-partum/with a newborn.
Your expectations for visitors sounds very reasonable! I would not want other people's children around either and I think post-New Year's eve would be ideal as well. Getting past the first month is our focus and then settling in and hopefully feeling like a routine can be established, but we will see.
@nytino24 - Yeah, I will need to send some hotel stuff along. My cousin and his friend work, so while it isn't as good as "free," they could afford a hotel for a few nights. It's just that whenever people visit here, they expect to stay somewhere. Typically in the summers, we host about 8-12 families members at one time that come in from around the country for a period of two weeks because we are centrally located. But that is completely different than the current situation and both DH and I aren't interested than more than 2-3 others being around.
Do you anticipate your twin sister staying long and being helpful in the recovery? That's my thing too...if people are going to be hanging around, I at least want them to be helpful rather than feeling like I need to host them.
That right there is why I am limiting people. I know who will help and who won’t. If you have said “I’m just here to help you guys, let me know when we bug you and we will leave” then you are welcome. If all you want to just to be here so you can see him in the newborn phase (really? Will waiting 2-3 weeks be THAT big of a deal?) then you are not welcome immediately post partum because obviously you are making it about YOUR wants and not supporting us
BFP #1: 1.22.16 MMC: 2.29.16 (
tetrasomy 11, partial deletion 1, XXX) D&C: 3.2.16 BFP #2: 4.14.16 CP: 4.17.16 BFP #3: 6.10.2016 CP: 6.17.16 RE appt: 6.27.2016-
saline sono all clear Progenity: + carrier
Tay-Sachs, Gaucher's, hemachromatosis. DH: carrier Alpha 1 anti-trypsin PCOS, hypothyroid,
MTHFR, hx of LEEP in 2006 Clomid +
TI Cycle #1: 50mg Trigger 8.24.2016- BFN Clomid
75mg + IUI#1 9.25.2016-
BFP #4 10/6 Beta #1 15 Beta #2 38 Beta #3- 71
beta #4 171 Beta # 5- 21 Natural MC 10/21 HSG- clear IVF Jan 2017 Egg Retrieval 1.22.17: 32 eggs retrieved,29 mature, 24 fertilized, 14 to blastocyst for biopsy PGS results: 4 PGS normal 2 XX, 2 XY FET: 3.13.2017 for 2 PGS embryos Beta#1: 3.24.2017......... 78; Beta # 2 241; Beta #3 4198 Baby BOY due 11.29.2017
@dragonfly87-2 I feel you about hosting people. Since we live in Phoenix and H is from Canada, our house starts to feel like a resort around March because everyone wants to come down to the warmth and just expects to be able to stay with us for as long as they want. And he goes along, asking me after he has already told them yes.
This year I am putting the kibosh on that. I don’t want your brother and his 2 undisciplined kids here and your parents and your friends like a rotating door
BFP #1: 1.22.16 MMC: 2.29.16 (
tetrasomy 11, partial deletion 1, XXX) D&C: 3.2.16 BFP #2: 4.14.16 CP: 4.17.16 BFP #3: 6.10.2016 CP: 6.17.16 RE appt: 6.27.2016-
saline sono all clear Progenity: + carrier
Tay-Sachs, Gaucher's, hemachromatosis. DH: carrier Alpha 1 anti-trypsin PCOS, hypothyroid,
MTHFR, hx of LEEP in 2006 Clomid +
TI Cycle #1: 50mg Trigger 8.24.2016- BFN Clomid
75mg + IUI#1 9.25.2016-
BFP #4 10/6 Beta #1 15 Beta #2 38 Beta #3- 71
beta #4 171 Beta # 5- 21 Natural MC 10/21 HSG- clear IVF Jan 2017 Egg Retrieval 1.22.17: 32 eggs retrieved,29 mature, 24 fertilized, 14 to blastocyst for biopsy PGS results: 4 PGS normal 2 XX, 2 XY FET: 3.13.2017 for 2 PGS embryos Beta#1: 3.24.2017......... 78; Beta # 2 241; Beta #3 4198 Baby BOY due 11.29.2017
@dragonfly87-2 I am stressing about this a little as well. Originally I said I wanted our parents to wait a couple days before coming down but they are just so excited. It is about a 6hr drive. Now we have settled on them waiting until the baby is born before they drive down. I also expect them to stay in a hotel since our current place is so small. DH doesn't really get the whole wanting to have bonding time just the 3 of us before they come down, maybe he will once she is born. I am really hoping that our parents will offer to help out when they are down or come for shorter visits and not just hang out and try to hog the baby all day. I know they are just excited and I am glad that they love their little granddaughter so much already. I just like having my personal space and really want to focus on bonding and breastfeeding. We shall see... Hopefully I am stressing for nothing.
Knottie19640588 I hear you on all of that. Luckily DH is a pretty private person like me too, so he understands the desire to be on our own, but it's definitely something that has to be balanced out between partners.
My doula did recommend coming up with a list of things that would be helpful (before you give birth) so that people will know what they can do. I felt hesitant at first, but it makes sense. Most people will want to hold the baby and gawk over them. While that is great, it may not be what is most helpful (especially given you will need to rest yourself, potentially breastfeed, shower, etc.)
So it could be good to have a small list and say, "If you could help with the dishes or do the laundry, or hold the baby while I shower, it would be very much appreciated and help me out." Most people have a hard time saying no when a specific request is made
I wish my in-laws or my parents would visit and help out with anything. Baby is 3 weeks and we have seen H's parents once on Halloween night, they did bring some food. My parent live 20 mins away and made mention of my messy house but more that I should clean it up. H won't do it. My mom has shown up maybe 3 times but never brings food or helps clean anything. She did play with DD since I'm just a food source right now. I can't tell you how many times I've had to go to the grocery store or have cleaned the house in these 3 weeks. I'm exhausted and our families expect me to do the traveling to see them. Very different than when my SIL had her baby, H's parents went to stay for a week and took care of things. Here I ask for a visit on a Tuesday and I get "maybe saturday" which was DDs birthday and we had a girls only party for her at a kid salon. They refused to come visit. Kind of feel like giving up. MIL only volunteers to babysit, he's 3 weeks old and I'm exhausted just f'ing come help out since your son won't.
@MaximumEffort Ugh, I am sorry to hear that your in-laws and parents are not being very helpful. That would frustrate me too about your DH not helping. Was he like that with DD1?
Would you be able to ask him for some "me time" so you could take a day to relax and take care of yourself?
I raised DD myself, I married DH when DD was almost 5, this is his first baby. I can't really ask him for "me time" cause I don't trust him to do anything. Yesterday was DDs birthday but i had been up all night with baby, DD came in the room said she was hungry. DH stayed on his g-damn phone playing a game and pretty much told her to go make her own cereal and he wasn't getting up yet. Wyd? I would have gotten up but i had a baby on the breast. DH got up before me and yet some how I saw DD first cause he spent forever in the bathroom. I'm about to throw his phone out the window. I hand him the baby to burp and instead of getting one he gives up and goes back to his phone. Done. So done.
@MaximumEffort Sorry to hear that. I could definitely see your patience running thin with him, especially with a newborn. Maybe a swift smack on the head and a phone in the toilet might get through to him?
@MaximumEffort I am so sorry to hear that. Hopefully he starts pulling his weight. If you gave him specific jobs would you be able to trust him to do them?
@ Maximum Effort I am sorry your family isn't being as helpful as they should. We plan on going to my parents house for Thanksgiving..they only live about 5 minutes away and baby will be almost 2 weeks old. My husband mentioned letting her spend the night with my parents so we can get some rest. I'm contemplating this idea but wondering if 12 days old is too soon for a overnight stay. I'm very close to my parents and I trust them completely but Im not sure what to do.
@ Maximum Effort I am sorry your family isn't being as helpful as they should. We plan on going to my parents house for Thanksgiving..they only live about 5 minutes away and baby will be almost 2 weeks old. My husband mentioned letting her spend the night with my parents so we can get some rest. I'm contemplating this idea but wondering if 12 days old is too soon for a overnight stay. I'm very close to my parents and I trust them completely but Im not sure what to do.
lurking from febuary. 12 days old is definatly to early for an overnight, especially if you are breastfeeding. Maybe stay over with baby so the grandparents could help a little with the burping and diaper changing so you could get back to sleep quicker?
@sml1982 I would go with whatever you feel comfortable with - there is no definite yes or no. If you are breastfeeding you would have to leave them enough milk to make it through the night and still wake up in the night to pump to keep your supply up. Go with your gut. If you think it's a great idea go for it. If you have your doubts tell your husband that you aren't ready for that yet.
@ Maximum Effort I am sorry your family isn't being as helpful as they should. We plan on going to my parents house for Thanksgiving..they only live about 5 minutes away and baby will be almost 2 weeks old. My husband mentioned letting her spend the night with my parents so we can get some rest. I'm contemplating this idea but wondering if 12 days old is too soon for a overnight stay. I'm very close to my parents and I trust them completely but Im not sure what to do.
lurking from febuary. 12 days old is definatly to early for an overnight, especially if you are breastfeeding. Maybe stay over with baby so the grandparents could help a little with the burping and diaper changing so you could get back to sleep quicker?
No. No to all of the above. @sml1982 - if it works for you and you are comfortable having your baby stay with your parents, then go for it. If it'll stress you out and make you uncomfortable, then don't. You do what works for your family and don't let other people make you feel bad about or wrong in those choices.
Thanks everyone. I'm still weighing pros and cons. My baby was introduced to a bottle in NICU so I have been pumping and bottle feeding. I haven't attempted to get her to latch on yet. She also gets enfamil as well as a supplement. We will see as time gets closer. I probably wont make up my mind for sure until that night. We could spend the night..so that's a good idea as well
Since LO came 2.5 weeks ago, I haven’t had any alone time. MIL came down while I was in the hospital and stayed for a week. The day she left to go home, my FIL flew in that evening. He will be here for 2 weeks. MIL coming back down a few days before Thanksgiving and stayed until this past Saturday. My SIL and her family also came down last Tuesday and stayed until Friday. I just want my house back. I’m sick of having to go up stairs to nurse. My FIL is leaving Wednesday night and it's not soon enough. I am seriously at my wits end. Half of my maternity leave is over and I have not had one single day to myself. I feel cheated out of my bonding time with our daughter. I'm trying really hard not to look or act completely annoyed but it's getting harder each day.
@cwalker042 Something I did when we had guests I didn't want to deal with is "oh, the baby is hungry, I'm going to go feed RIGHT NOW" and I would take the baby and leave. He didn't need to eat, I just needed some time with my new baby. Most of the time I might nurse him and the rest of the time he would just sleep on me for an hour. It is ok to be "selfish" with your baby, it is your baby, not anyone else's and they can jump off a cliff. Your mental health is more important than "their" baby time.
So sorry @cwalker042 that sounds incredibly difficult. I probably would have lost it by now if I were you. I hope they are all gone soon so you can enjoy your baby and have much needed down / alone time!
Thanks everyone. My FIL left yesterday and I feel so relieved. Don’t get me wrong, my in laws are great people, but to be staying in my home for weeks was taking it’s toll on me. I would hide out in my bedroom because I didn’t want to show my anger and frustration. It feels great to be able to sit in my living room, on my couch, and breastfeed my baby.
Re: Managing Family Relationships During Pregnancy/with a Newborn
At home, my parents stayed for about a week and then my mom stayed for two more weeks. They did house projects, cleaned, cooked healthy meals, did all laundry, and helped with baby. Newborn's sleep is horrible, and so it was so nice to be able to come downstairs, give my mom the baby, and go back to bed. My husband was there that first week, but his work was really stressful so he had to be in our home office for part of that time. It was so nice not to have to worry about a messy house or what's for dinner, but to wake up to a clean house and healthy food for every meal. My mom stayed for awhile so some nights she'd go upstairs and watch tv and let DH and I have a night to ourselves.
After she left, MIL (who lives ten min away) would come over for a morning or afternoon every once in awhile. She'd call first, ask if I wanted a nap or a bath, and then come hold the baby so I could do that in peace. It was so nice. I wish she helped with cleaning, because my unvacuumed floors drove me crazy, but oh well. I really appreciated and really needed the family support.
In addition, my mom nursed me, and so she was so helpful in those first few days of nursing with getting my latch right and just assuring me that I was doing a good job.
Our plan this time is to let my mil and 2 sil along with my husband if it's looking like another easy delivery (one sil is a birth photographer) if baby comes early, otherwise my parents are coming into town the week I am due since my in-laws will all be gone that week so we have someone to watch ds and my mom will come into delivery if she is there in time
care enough to come and I never realized it was a source of stress for some people.
House guests...I don't mind it, but don't want a steady stream of people in and out all the time! I also don't want to feel like my house has to be spotless in case people drop by. However, I realize that people will be excited for me and excited to meet the baby, and I appreciate that. My due date will also fall very close to Thanksgiving, so we will for sure be letting people come to us for that. Hopefully they will bring food, I've never cooked thanksgiving dinner and I sure don't want to try it for the first time with a newborn!
Kudos to you and your hubs for being a united front.
We have a 2nd on the way and are having to double down with some family members as they try to push back on our boundaries. It's tough sometimes, but we have found that our relationship and family are better for it. Our first born has positive relationships with all grandparents. Part of that is because we stand up for ourselves and things that are important to our nuclear family.
To be completely honest, she isn't normally very involved in our lives. She lives about 25 minutes from us and we see here maybe 4-5 times a year. The truth is, DH and I see my family for more days per year and they live 4 states away. DH doesn't pro-actively try to see his mother and he doesn't like her partner. So, while we are friendly, we aren't super closer.
Well, ever since announcing we are pregnant, she is turned a complete 180 and way too involved. She texts more often to see how I feel, she wants to go appointments, have us over more often and now is throwing a fit about a baby shower.
Long story short, my mother was going to fly in to host a shower in September. I told my mom, that while the thought was sweet, I really do not have very many female friends (like 3-4) and it wouldn't be worth the time, money and effort. And I really don't like showers...they are awkward and I hate the attention. My mother took it well. Instead, we decided we would go to So Cal for our babymoon in September and would go to their hometown for a few days. She is planning a bbq/shower there with all of my aunts, cousins, grandmothers and their friends (about 20-25 people). She insisted and I just said fine.
Well, now DH's mom found out and is upset she won't be included or a part of it. I tried to nicely explain to her why the situation is the way it is. I even said if she wants to host something small here (no obligations to do so), that we would gladly attend so she can participate. But she is pretty estranged from her family and there would maybe be 5-10 people there.
So I said, why don't we host a casual bbq that we could invite DH's friends, couples and her family/friends instead. She went on to say it would be awkward for her because she wouldn't know that many people there. DH says he doesn't understand the point of it and I am just at my wits end.
This is exactly why I don't like these kind of events and I am so tired of other people getting their panties in a bunch when in reality, I don't give a f**k and I am on the one who is pregnant!
I told DH, this round about communication with her texting me, not liking the answer and then texting him has to stop. I also told him he can communicate with his mom and I will manage my family relationships. He needs to put his foot down more and inform her that she will not be allowed in the delivery room (neither will my family). I am sure she won't be happy about it, but I just don't care anymore.
End tangent.
This time, we are living in a different state, 4.5 hours from home. MIL is planning to drive down as soon as she gets the call that I'm in labor so she can help with DS. Otherwise I have no idea what we are going to do with DS while I'm in labor. I'm actually contemplating inviting MIL, SIL and her husband, and FIL for Thanksgiving since I'm due 2 days after the holiday. That way they will all be here if I go into labor.
1) It's way too early, I will only be 19w5d
2) We won't know the gender for another week
3) It's the 4th of July....a day for people to celebrate something else...seems way to selfish to pick that day
4) I won't have even registered yet
Luckily, my mom convinced her not to try that. So she is still pushing for something that week, but I nicely suggested a simple book shower that is hopefully simple and cheap. She said that would be good...and wants to buy outfits and other small things...which I said didn't make sense as we won't know the gender. Ugh...it's an evolving situation.
With DS, I broke my foot when I was 9 months pregnant and my boot wasn't due to come off until my due date. Those last few weeks were really hard physically just getting around. My MIL had asked if she could come stay with us to help out and I said sure. She's actually helpful and cleans and does grocery shopping and all that. I had read somewhere that when people want to come help a new mother, what they really want to do is hold the baby, so the article had suggested writing lists of how you do everything; laundry routine, how you clean your bathrooms, etc so that when people say, "I want to help" you can smile and say "Sure!" and hand them a routine. So I did that and had it all done by the time she got there and even after the baby came (she stayed for a month) - that's really what she was doing for me with some baby snuggling as well, of course, but mostly actually just helping around the house.
Personally, I am particularly frustrated with my mother right now. We finally settled on my parents driving out about 5-7 days after our daughter is born. That took a lot of back and forth. She really wanted to drive out the day after she is born but I held my ground. DH only gets one week of time off and we really wanted the time as a family to bond and establish a routine. Then, my parent's will be here for three weeks when he returns to work. I know my mom will be helpful and I will appreciate the support, but she can be overwhelming at times with her personality and dramatics.
Well, I thought we were good. However, just today she texted and said my cousin who lives a state over wants to come out for Christmas and bring his friend/roommate. I said, great, where are they staying? Her response was, I figured your place. I promptly responded, "While I would love to see my cousin, I am not comfortable having him and a stranger staying at our house this year. I will be 4-5 weeks post-partum, have a newborn, be breastfeeding and exhausted. Also, we will already have 3 other people staying (my sister will be flying in) and that is a lot already." I even suggested they stay with my brother who lives about an hour away.
And that tipped off her dramatics. She responded saying that they don't have anywhere else to go for the holidays and probably won't come now. My brother's place is too far and in a bigger city that my cousin doesn't like driving in. They only want to come out for 3 days, yada yada yada.
I still held my ground and said I do not want them staying here and I would hope they understand. Well....then she proceeded to text, "Do you even want me and your dad staying there? Is that too much?" Cue the dramatic response from her. We finally got to a point where I made it clear I am fine with them coming, but not my cousin/his friend.
I am sure she is annoyed, but I just don't care. I am actually more frustrated that she cannot see why it would even be appropriate to ask....
3 weeks with your parents is a long time. I am impressed! My parents are getting here Monday night, I’m being induced Wednesday night so we are doing thanksgiving that morning and they will probably be here about a week. Then H’s parents will come in. I’m limiting his dad to 3 days but his mom can stay longer.
We put our foot down on other people like his sister visiting until after New Years. No extra people for Christmas. No one with other kids. I don’t want the stress of people in my house i feel like I need to make sure are constantly comfortable. I need space for my hormones to sort themselves out
BFP #2: 4.14.16 CP: 4.17.16
BFP #3: 6.10.2016 CP: 6.17.16
RE appt: 6.27.2016- saline sono all clear
Progenity: + carrier Tay-Sachs, Gaucher's, hemachromatosis. DH: carrier Alpha 1 anti-trypsin
PCOS, hypothyroid, MTHFR, hx of LEEP in 2006
Clomid + TI Cycle #1: 50mg Trigger 8.24.2016- BFN
Clomid 75mg + IUI#1 9.25.2016- BFP #4 10/6
Beta #1 15 Beta #2 38 Beta #3- 71 beta #4 171 Beta # 5- 21 Natural MC 10/21
HSG- clear
IVF Jan 2017
Egg Retrieval 1.22.17: 32 eggs retrieved,29 mature, 24 fertilized, 14 to blastocyst for biopsy
PGS results: 4 PGS normal 2 XX, 2 XY
FET: 3.13.2017 for 2 PGS embryos
Beta#1: 3.24.2017......... 78; Beta # 2 241; Beta #3 4198
Baby BOY due 11.29.2017
I personally expect my twin, her husband, and their two kids to stay at our house when they visit since they live about 4 hours away. If they come when we are still in the hospital, they can stay here without us. All other family members besides my sister across the country will only visit for a few hours. I'm glad we don't need to deal with drama. We just both have a big families.
TTC 9/2016 BFP 12/9/16 EDD 8/21/17 NMC 1/8/16 at 7w6d
TTC 2/2017 BFP 3/6/17 EDD 11/17/17 DS born 11/25/17 via ECS
TTC 12/2018 BFP 6/2/19 EDD 2/12/20 NMC / BO at 7 weeks, low progesterone
TTC 7/2019 BFP 8/21/19 EDD 4/22/20 CP at 5 weeks
TTC 8/19 IUI #1 w/ Clomid + Ovidrel + progesterone BFN, IUI 2 and 3 w/ Letrozole + Ovidrel + progesterone,
IUI 4 Follistim + Ovidrel + progesterone BFP 1/9/20 EDD 9/18/20
AMA, ITP in pregnancy, vWD type II - low Factor VIII, unexplained RPL and secondary infertility
Your expectations for visitors sounds very reasonable! I would not want other people's children around either and I think post-New Year's eve would be ideal as well. Getting past the first month is our focus and then settling in and hopefully feeling like a routine can be established, but we will see.
@nytino24 - Yeah, I will need to send some hotel stuff along. My cousin and his friend work, so while it isn't as good as "free," they could afford a hotel for a few nights. It's just that whenever people visit here, they expect to stay somewhere. Typically in the summers, we host about 8-12 families members at one time that come in from around the country for a period of two weeks because we are centrally located. But that is completely different than the current situation and both DH and I aren't interested than more than 2-3 others being around.
Do you anticipate your twin sister staying long and being helpful in the recovery? That's my thing too...if people are going to be hanging around, I at least want them to be helpful rather than feeling like I need to host them.
@dragonfly87-2 Im glad that you were able to stand your ground. That's always so hard. There is no way I would want so many guests.
@DungeonTrollMel completely agree on the needing space for hormones to sort themselves out. It's hard to host people on top of dealing with that. I had some moments even with my parents where I just wanted to be left alone.
BFP #2: 4.14.16 CP: 4.17.16
BFP #3: 6.10.2016 CP: 6.17.16
RE appt: 6.27.2016- saline sono all clear
Progenity: + carrier Tay-Sachs, Gaucher's, hemachromatosis. DH: carrier Alpha 1 anti-trypsin
PCOS, hypothyroid, MTHFR, hx of LEEP in 2006
Clomid + TI Cycle #1: 50mg Trigger 8.24.2016- BFN
Clomid 75mg + IUI#1 9.25.2016- BFP #4 10/6
Beta #1 15 Beta #2 38 Beta #3- 71 beta #4 171 Beta # 5- 21 Natural MC 10/21
HSG- clear
IVF Jan 2017
Egg Retrieval 1.22.17: 32 eggs retrieved,29 mature, 24 fertilized, 14 to blastocyst for biopsy
PGS results: 4 PGS normal 2 XX, 2 XY
FET: 3.13.2017 for 2 PGS embryos
Beta#1: 3.24.2017......... 78; Beta # 2 241; Beta #3 4198
Baby BOY due 11.29.2017
This year I am putting the kibosh on that. I don’t want your brother and his 2 undisciplined kids here and your parents and your friends like a rotating door
BFP #2: 4.14.16 CP: 4.17.16
BFP #3: 6.10.2016 CP: 6.17.16
RE appt: 6.27.2016- saline sono all clear
Progenity: + carrier Tay-Sachs, Gaucher's, hemachromatosis. DH: carrier Alpha 1 anti-trypsin
PCOS, hypothyroid, MTHFR, hx of LEEP in 2006
Clomid + TI Cycle #1: 50mg Trigger 8.24.2016- BFN
Clomid 75mg + IUI#1 9.25.2016- BFP #4 10/6
Beta #1 15 Beta #2 38 Beta #3- 71 beta #4 171 Beta # 5- 21 Natural MC 10/21
HSG- clear
IVF Jan 2017
Egg Retrieval 1.22.17: 32 eggs retrieved,29 mature, 24 fertilized, 14 to blastocyst for biopsy
PGS results: 4 PGS normal 2 XX, 2 XY
FET: 3.13.2017 for 2 PGS embryos
Beta#1: 3.24.2017......... 78; Beta # 2 241; Beta #3 4198
Baby BOY due 11.29.2017
My doula did recommend coming up with a list of things that would be helpful (before you give birth) so that people will know what they can do. I felt hesitant at first, but it makes sense. Most people will want to hold the baby and gawk over them. While that is great, it may not be what is most helpful (especially given you will need to rest yourself, potentially breastfeed, shower, etc.)
So it could be good to have a small list and say, "If you could help with the dishes or do the laundry, or hold the baby while I shower, it would be very much appreciated and help me out." Most people have a hard time saying no when a specific request is made
Very different than when my SIL had her baby, H's parents went to stay for a week and took care of things. Here I ask for a visit on a Tuesday and I get "maybe saturday" which was DDs birthday and we had a girls only party for her at a kid salon. They refused to come visit. Kind of feel like giving up. MIL only volunteers to babysit, he's 3 weeks old and I'm exhausted just f'ing come help out since your son won't.
Would you be able to ask him for some "me time" so you could take a day to relax and take care of yourself?
12 days old is definatly to early for an overnight, especially if you are breastfeeding. Maybe stay over with baby so the grandparents could help a little with the burping and diaper changing so you could get back to sleep quicker?
older siblings: ds 16 dd 14 ds 13 dd 11 dd 7