STM+: When (and how) will you tell your other children?

jilliant26 · August 2017

Alright veteran moms, wondering at what point in your pregnancy you will tell your other child(ren) about the new baby.

I just found out I am 4w with baby #2. My DD will be 2 in 6 weeks. Trying to figure out when (and how) to tell her she has a sibling coming. We will tell our family after the first US around 8 weeks, but that seems too early to tell our daughter. Any suggestions? Thanks!

*Edited title and post to make it more generalized.*

orangecup · August 2017

See the "Announcing to Family" thread below.

cbutler0045 · August 2017

My DS will be 2 in October. I've already been telling him I have a baby in my belly. He definitely doesn't grasp the concept, but he now lifts up his shirt and says "baby belly" and it's the cutest freaking thing ever.

luna8433 · August 2017

I told my DS right away. He turned 2 in May. He doesn't understand but the other night he pointed to my belly and said baby. Just like cbutler0045 it was so cute.

courtyowl427 · August 2017

Your daughter must be very smart! My DS just turned 2 in June and I'm pretty sure he has no idea what I am talking about, lol. He looked at me, picked up his book and said "Read Piggy book, Mommy." Well, ok then....

This past weekend I was holding a friends 3 week old and he didn't even acknowledge him. Like completely ignored the fact I was hold a tiny person. This is going to be interesting...

kmalls · August 2017

@courtyowl427 I think that's totally normal! Our son was 19 months old when our daughter was born and he completely ignored her for about the first 5 months. Even now, at 2.5 years old, he only had minimal interest when meeting his newborn cousin over the weekend. Your son will show interest eventually, I think it's just the age!

ladythrice · August 2017

@jilliant26 I told my DS (2 years, 7 months) the day I got my BFP... cuz he was in the dang bathroom following me around asking me what I was doing... lol. I just told him Mommy has a baby in her belly and asked if he wanted another baby sister or brother. DH and I have been talking to him now for the past two days about it and he's decided he wants a baby brother and always wants to check my belly to see the baby. His mind is going to be blown when I actually start showing...

lund · August 2017

@jilliant26 we already have threads dedicated to this kind of topic.

Also, it looks like this is your first post on this board. Please introduce yourself on the Introductions thread so that we can get to know you, and also read the **Read This First - Board Organization** thread so that you can get used to how things are done around here:

https://forums.thebump.com/discussion/12713581/read-this-first-board-organization#latest

jilliant26 · August 2017

@lund I have already replied to the introduction Board and read the organization board. I understand wanting to prevent multiple threads about the same topic, but I did not see any similar to my question when I posted it unless you are referring to the "Announcing to Family" thread. I read through that already, but it seemed to be directed more toward telling adult family rather than young children. Thank you.

hedgepig · August 2017

@jilliant26 It would be a good question for the "weekly questions" thread.

cseley321 · August 2017

My kid turns 2 in 2 weeks, and I know all kids mature differently but at this stage she has no idea what I'm talking about when I talk to her about the concept of having a baby. I have told her a dozen times since yesterday to start trying to get her prepared, but she just smiles or fusses at me and then goes on to playing with toys or whatever else she is up to.

Basically my plan is just to talk to her about it now, and as things get more set in stone (2nd trimester or so) I am planning to get her books about it and a baby doll or something.

momming247 · August 2017

Told my 21 month old DD...she has no blue what I'm really talking about lol. Oh well...

jilliant26 · August 2017

@Crystal321 My daughter is very perceptive, and while she loves playing with baby dolls I think an actual baby (and how that will change our family) is just too big of a concept for her right now. A friend and classmate of her's just got a baby brother this week, so I think I'm gonna start by talking about them as an example. Let me know if you know of any good big sister books I can get her. She just went on her first airplane ride and reading books about airplanes seemed to help her a lot with what to expect. Also, my OB usually does a 3rd trimester growth scan, so maybe we'll take her for that when baby looks more baby like.

jilliant26 · August 2017

@ladythrice Haha! Toddlers are great about respecting personal space! Lol! Yeah, I think once I start showing, and all of her grandparents know and are talking about it, the idea will sink in a little more. I just know this is a BIG transition for toddlers (I am an older sister myself so I empathized with all the coming emotions she is about to experience!) and I want to make sure she is as prepared as she possibly can be for how our family is about to change!

cseley321 · August 2017

jilliant26 said:

@Crystal321 My daughter is very perceptive, and while she loves playing with baby dolls I think an actual baby (and how that will change our family) is just too big of a concept for her right now. A friend and classmate of her's just got a baby brother this week, so I think I'm gonna start by talking about them as an example. Let me know if you know of any good big sister books I can get her. She just went on her first airplane ride and reading books about airplanes seemed to help her a lot with what to expect. Also, my OB usually does a 3rd trimester growth scan, so maybe we'll take her for that when baby looks more baby like.

I was planning on taking my kid to some of the later ultrasounds as well. By then she will be older and understand more of what's going on

ETA: I haven't even started shopping books uet, but there are tons on the subject

klburke88 · August 2017

DD is 11, will be 12 by the time baby arrives. We told her today and she burst into tears! I was nervous, but she assured me they were happy tears. Now, she cant stop talking about how excited she is to help take care of the baby and be a big sister. I keep stressing to her that she's not obligated to help at all, but she is insistent!

lund · August 2017

jilliant26 said:

@lund I have already replied to the introduction Board and read the organization board. I understand wanting to prevent multiple threads about the same topic, but I did not see any similar to my question when I posted it unless you are referring to the "Announcing to Family" thread. I read through that already, but it seemed to be directed more toward telling adult family rather than young children. Thank you.

I agree with @hedgepig that it would have be a good question for the weekly "Questions" thread.

If you really feel that a new thread is needed for a topic then it's recommended that you try to make the thread relevant to everyone. This of course doesn't apply to *tw loss threads endtw*.

Such as, instead of "when to tell dd?" which is specific to you, title it "STMs - when are you telling your kiddos?"

jilliant26 · August 2017

@lund I changed the title and initial post to make it more generalized for everyone.

kclouds · August 2017

I didn't tell my oldest about my 2nd pregnancy until I was something like 35 or 36 weeks. He was only 2.5 at the time and had no idea what was going on. It worked out well because he didn't have a lot of time to stress about it. Even a month is an impossibly long time to a two year old.
This time he is five years old, so we'll be telling them at maybe like 16 weeks when I start to show. I don't expect my second son to understand what's going on.

Melis222 · August 2017

If it were just my 2 year old I'd tell her today but I have an 8 year old...so I'd hate to break his heart if things go south. And once I tell him then I have to be ready to tell anyone because he's a kid so I can't count on him not saying anything. Anyone else with older kids? When do you tell them??

ngolimento · August 2017

My kiddo is 2, so there isn't a lot she can grasp about the situation. I think we will give her a few more months, and wait until I am fairly big, so she can visualize one in there, and feel the kicking. I am very fortunate with her in that she LOVES babies. I think she will make a good big sister.

nond135 · August 2017

I have a 4 year old (almost 5) and a 2 year old. I don't plan to tell them until I am ready to tell everyone which hopefully won't be till around end of first trimester. I don't want to explain a miscarriage to my 4 year old (or to anyone else for that matter) if it were to happen. With my second we told my oldest right away cause she was just under 2 when we found out and had very little concept of what was going on.

jilliant26 · August 2017

ngolimento said:

My kiddo is 2, so there isn't a lot she can grasp about the situation. I think we will give her a few more months, and wait until I am fairly big, so she can visualize one in there, and feel the kicking. I am very fortunate with her in that she LOVES babies. I think she will make a good big sister.

I think this is probably how I'm gonna go about it too. As a PP suggested, I'm gonna try to find some books about being a big sister and having a new baby in the family. Also, the hospital where I'll deliver offers a sibling class, so I might sign her up for that later on in the pregnancy.

And she is gonna be the sweetest big sister ever! She loves to "take care" of my husband and I, helping us put on our shoes (even if it's the wrong feet!), and she has to put all of her stuffed animals down for a nap before she will nap! I can't wait to see her as a big sister even though I know there will be some challenges too!

jilliant26 · August 2017

nond135 said:

I have a 4 year old (almost 5) and a 2 year old. I don't plan to tell them until I am ready to tell everyone which hopefully won't be till around end of first trimester. I don't want to explain a miscarriage to my 4 year old (or to anyone else for that matter) if it were to happen. With my second we told my oldest right away cause she was just under 2 when we found out and had very little concept of what was going on.

How did your 4 year old react when you first brought your 2 year old home? I know my daughter isn't able to understand the abstract concept of a baby on the way, but I wonder how she'll react to the reality of it once they are here.

holly321 · August 2017

We told my kids 2 weeks ago. DD is 6 and Ds is 4.5. If I were to unfortunately lose the baby, I don't really see how I would keep it a secret from them anyway. DD is beyond excited, DS is angry. He says babies are annoying and cry all the time (he is autistic, so very sensitive to sound, even though he himself is the loudest person I know.)

Mattel · August 2017

We told DD the day of the BFP. I'm home with her and I'm high risk which means lots of appointments, so she will be coming with me for most of them. Plus we were so excited. It's been 4 years and 7 months and a lot of her talking about "when we have the new baby." She's 5 1/2 and my little sidekick so we do everything together. She had no words and had tears in her eyes and just kept hugging my hubby when he told her and wouldn't let go. Later that day, she came in the living room and asked me how I knew there was a baby in my belly. I told her I took a special test that told me. She just scrunched her face, said "huh" and walked out of the room. Lol. It was hysterical. Furthermore, we have explained to her that we go to the doctor to make sure the baby is growing okay and everything is good. I'm a nurse so sometimes I explain things to her a little more clinically than other parents might, but she understands very well.

lolablue3 · August 2017

@Melis222 my kids are 7, 5 and 4. I haven't told them yet for the same reason, I don't want the world to know. I'm not sure I'll be able to wait until 12 weeks to tell them, so maybe if my next ultrasounds go well we will tell them. I want to find a cute poem or write a cute letter and have my oldest read it to everyone.

maureenmce · August 2017

I've been thinking about this a lot! DD is inky 18 months right now and will be 2 years and 2 months (almost 2 years and 3 months) when this baby is born, so she probably will not get a lot of what's going on until near the end, but I'm hoping to find some books she'll like that are age appropriate and start reading them and explaining everything to her once I'm showing enough that she can (maaaaybe) understand.

She is, so far, completely indifferent to babies and baby dolls, but she does get incredibly jealous if I hold another baby so...we'll see how this transition goes! Lol.

Melis222 · August 2017

@lolablue3 A poem or letter is a cute idea!! Yeah, it gets tricky with older kiddos lol. Plus, I'm a teacher and he is in 3rd grade at my school so I have to be ready for work to know! But it is hard keeping it from him.

nond135 · August 2017

@jilliant26 said:

nond135 said:

I have a 4 year old (almost 5) and a 2 year old. I don't plan to tell them until I am ready to tell everyone which hopefully won't be till around end of first trimester. I don't want to explain a miscarriage to my 4 year old (or to anyone else for that matter) if it were to happen. With my second we told my oldest right away cause she was just under 2 when we found out and had very little concept of what was going on.

How did your 4 year old react when you first brought your 2 year old home? I know my daughter isn't able to understand the abstract concept of a baby on the way, but I wonder how she'll react to the reality of it once they are here.

Ummmmm.... wellll...... I don't want to scare you

lol Honestly, she loved her baby sister, but was INCREDIBLY jealous. Like, any time I needed to feed her sister she was scream bloody murder to the point that I had to start going upstairs for feedings and leave her screaming at the baby gate downstairs because otherwise her sister never would have eaten... I did everything I could to help her prepare, she got lots of one-on-one time with me and her dad, she got to help with things like diaper changes, picking out clothes, getting blankets, etc... She was just really a momma's girl (still is) and did not like losing her full, uninterrupted access. She really was incredibly sweet and gentle with her sister though. To this day I can only think of maybe twice total that she has ever lashed out toward her little sister, and both times she was actually really upset about something else, and her little sister just happened to get in her way, and both have been within the last 6 months so not when she was really tiny. They play great together now, and are really best friends. Lots of hugs, incredibly considerate. Things got a lot better once my youngest could crawl and was more interactive. Playing "chase" was a game changer. She went from being an attention thief to a friend to play with overnight. First several months though were incredibly rough. I'm hoping things will be easier this time since the older two will have each other already and are used to sharing attention. The age difference between the first two is within a couple weeks of the age difference between the second two, so we'll see... Very different personalities though.

jilliant26 · August 2017

@nond135 No, thank you for your honesty! There is 3 years between my younger brother and I and I vaguely remember, or from hearing stories, the jealousy I had for him coming in and messing up my perfect life, LOL! Yeah, I expect there will be some BIG feelings toward this new person coming into our family!

kindbytealikat · August 2017

DS is 2.5 and I'd like to tell him in a way to say hey you can't climb/jump on mommies belly because there's a baby in there. However he's got an amazing memory and even though he won't likely comprehend it I can't see home blurting in out without knowing what he's saying. Step kids we'll tell after 7 wk US

sjn00 · August 2017

We keep asking my 3 year old if she wants a little brother or sister and she keeps saying no lol. So i think we are planning on waiting to say anything specific until we know whether it's a boy or girl and then get that thought in her mind.

kimmerann3 · August 2017

We are also talking to our 3 year old about if she wants a brother or sister. She loves babies so I think she will be excited. I think we will wait until I'm farther along to tell her but we talk about it in front of her even now.

orangecup · August 2017

DS is 2 so we probably won't "tell" him or start making a big deal of it until the last couple of months or so. We'll be working on the baby's room so I'm sure he'll notice that. I plan to get some books on babies at some point.

tgortney · August 2017

DS is only 15 months but will be 23 months when this one arrives. Right now, he's still infant-like and doesn't have a lot of conceptual understanding so I hope by the time baby arrives, I can explain to avoid jealousy.

Gillis2 · August 2017

I'm only two days in, but have already told my daughter there is a baby in my belly. She doesn't get it yet, but we have 36 weeks to work on it

smyr630 · August 2017

I am waiting until closer to when I want others to know. My daughter is 2 years old and will most likely blurt out "baby in belly" or "baby" when I dont want her to.

kaymaroo · August 2017

DS is 5 1/2 and definitely gets the concept of pregnancy due to lots of baby cousins and a half-brother from his dad. What I can't decide is whether that makes it better or worse to tell him early. He's a smart kid and he knows I've been abnormally tired and haven't been able to pick him up like usual. It'd be nice to give him an explanation for that, but I don't want to hurt him if something goes wrong during first tri. So basically, I have no clue.

riversdoctor · August 2017

When I was pregnant with ds I didn't tell dd until I told the world (after anatomy scan) because I didn't want her blabbing. She was almost 3 at the time. She's now 5 and ds is 2. I'm thinking around Christmas we will give ds this book: I'm a Big Brother https://www.amazon.com/dp/0061900656/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_R5TKzb93KZ3PP

emmyfreeman27 · August 2017

We told our children on DH's birthday. We were having breakfast and he asked, "Do you guys know what my best birthday present today is?" Our oldest daughter (8y) asked, half-joking, "Us?" and he said, said, "Well, kind of! Guess what--- Mommy has a baby in her tummy!" Oh, the shrieks of joy--- our oldest three (8yg, 4yg, and almost 3yg) were so excited. Baby Boy (14 months) was nonplussed.

The 8yg jumped up and ran to hug us and started crying.

Of course, we then mentioned, "This is a secret just for our family right now! The baby is tinier than a little dot, so nobody else knows, okay?" We went to a pool party later THAT AFTERNOON and 4yg walks up to one of my friends and says, "My mommy has a bab---- ooops!" and ran off. And the cat was out of the bag. Ha!

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