To be team green....or not to be team green?

moonlady-2 · June 2017

Part of me really wants to be team green. Then the other part is like: you are crazy.

If you are team green, what is your reasoning?

ETA- If you are not team green, why did you decide to find out?

NME44 · June 2017

First: team green Bc it was fun and exciting. So few surprises in life these days

second: found out bc it made a difference if we were going to move my son or leave him where he was. (It was a girl, we moved my son.)

this time: green bc it really makes no difference, lol. Names are picked, baby will have to sleep in our room, we already have clothes for either. Bonus: it's annoying my mom, so why not?

Tennis11785 · June 2017

Finding out because I'm just too curious not to!

failuretofly · June 2017

I'm super tempted to go green this time too!
We found out with DS and definitely don't regret it but I just think that "it's a boy/girl" Moment would be super exciting.

lestex · June 2017

We were team green with #1 and chose to be because I read the anticipation shortened labor time. It does no such thing, I was in labor for 32 hours. Also, it was nice not having to worry about planning anything! I am a very OCD planner to the max and this was one thing I wanted to enjoy without the added stress of pinks or blues. It was very liberating. We found out with #2 because my husband's grandmother was dying and she wanted to know. Ended up being another boy. We're team green again because I love it so much. Boy or girl, nothing you absolutely need is going to be pink or blue. It'll challenge your patience for sure but then it gets fun to tell people you don't know the sex.

rainbowdashh · June 2017

I've never been team green. My thinking is it's a surprise no matter when you find out. Patience may be a virtue, but not a virtue of mine lol

Amber_Waves · June 2017

Team Green all the way over here! Everyone gets to make their own choices, so you do you, but here are my reasons:

1. I aspire to raise this child exactly the same if it is a boy or girl (or has ambiguous genitalia!) be kind, try hard. Children should not have higher or lower expectations of them because of their sex; I see too much and too little being asked of kids based on gender all the time. It starts so early!

2. Children are the same general shape, regardless of sex, for years and years. They don't need distinct clothes or strollers or anything that I would need to prepare. I can't think of any practical reason I would need to know pre-birth except if there is an abnormality of the baby's sex chromosomes (which is the circumstance under which our genetic counselor will tell us the sex).

3. I think our society is really sexist and I want to keep sexism & gender norms as far away from my child for as long as possible.

4. DH's family is generally quite sexist & will buy super-gendered stuff for the shower if they know the sex. "Grandma's little princess" and "Daddy's big hero" etc etc. sports stuff for boys, hair brushes for girls. Even though the women in his family are generally more athletic than the men! And the men brush their hair! I kid you not. His cousin had boy-girl twins and they have had ENTIRELY separate wardrobes their whole lives. Gendered infant socks! No thanks!

5. My MIL needs to be kept at arm's length. She's a great lady, but she has boundary issues. Like, she wants to help choose the name. Dude, you got to decide these things for your children, that was your turn.

6. People soooo expect you to find out and it starts interesting conversations when you say you won't be finding out. Someone said (last pregnancy), "but how will you start to get to know baby?" And I was like, "what does penis vs. vagina communicate about a fetus's personality?!" This lead down a long path of talking about how much is projected onto children due to sex/looks/random stuff. It was really cool.

eazybreezy225 · June 2017

4TM and I've learned the sex of each of my babies. The first 3 during the anatomy scan, this one through a blood test.
My husband is super excited each time and too impatient to wait for the birth. His thoughts are "we have the technology so why not?"
And I can't stand the thought of him knowing while I remain team green. It's either we both know or both don't know.
I played with the idea to be team green with my last baby, but I came to the conclusion that I am also impatient.. lol.
We've never purchased "gender" specific baby gear. I actually really like neutral tones and patterns. I do like a good mix of neutral clothing and also more specific clothing. Because seriously, some of these baby clothes are too freaking cute. As my girls learn to talk and develop their own style, usually as young as age 2, I base clothing purchases on what THEY like rather than what I like.

Learning of my kids sex, for us was more of a bonding experience between my husband and I. To share in the secret together. We also enjoy talking to baby thru my belly by his/her name throughout the pregnancy. This also was another bonding experience between DH and i.

whiska · June 2017

First here's a good article that talks about how many parents to be want to find out the sex
https://fivethirtyeight.com/features/how-many-parents-to-be-want-to-know-the-babys-sex/

I'm team green because I always had pictured that moment in the delivery room, "It's a boy!" or "It's a girl!" That's really about it, and it was tough/fun explaining to H why keeping this picture intact is important to me. He would like to find out. So our deal is green on this one and finding out if we're lucky enough to get a next time. But even if we know I don't know if we'll tell anyone else. Baby will be who s/he is once s/he gets here and I don't care about genitalia.

Plus absolutely everything @Amber_Waves said. Dead on.

Thanks for starting this thread though @moonlady-2! I was actually thinking about it this morning and wondering why people use "I need to plan" as a reason to find out. People have been planning for babies for thousands of years without knowing the sex.

Other reasons I've seen mentioned

People get you practical nursery items and necessities and gift cards instead of a fuck ton of gendered clothing
Everyone I've spoken to who waited said it was 100% worth it and would do it again
If you have a gender preference, once baby is actually here you don't care anymore because you're too blown away by meeting him/her
It's fun to see what family and friends guess

AMCsquared · June 2017

Emotional purposes, one of the reasons I'm not going team green is because I personally feel like once I know the sex I will have a new bond with the baby because it seems like more of a person rather than this unknown being in my belly. It's still a surprise whenever u do find out.
For practical purposes, for planning and purchasing. But heck if I could have found out the sex of this baby like a year ago I would have been very happy with that haha (impatient much).

blueskies17 · June 2017

I've always wanted to find out because of my curiosity and impatience- I can't wait until the baby is born! I could have waited until the anatomy scan, but opted to get the sex along with the NIPT testing since it was available and I was going to find out the sex eventually. My reasons for getting the NIPT itself are different- *TW*

I feel the need to have all the risk info possible, being PGAL with two missed MC's where I didn't know what was going on at all.

*End TW*
It was a nice bonus to find out the sex so early- and it helps me plan and visualize the cute outfits I'll dress baby boy in!

Edited to include spoiler box

Piccola1988 · June 2017

rainbowdashh said:

I've never been team green. My thinking is it's a surprise no matter when you find out. Patience may be a virtue, but not a virtue of mine lol

This! Learning what we were having and surprising H with the news was amazing and I don't feel we missed out on any of the surprise at all. Plus, I suspect childbirth will bring enough surprises for one day!

tmk0325 · June 2017

We were team green with the twins, although we knew it was either boys or girls because they shared a placenta (meaning Identical). It also helped immensely when it came to the baby shower. We actually got all the big items needed on our list as opposed to just a crap ton of clothes. My cousin and another girl friend found out (FTM's) and told people before their shower and they both complained that they didn't get near as much stuff as they needed. No one followed their registry and they only got a lot of pink stuff.

I've also really liked the element of surprise "it's a boy/girl" in the delivery room like @whiska said. I get that it's still a surprise, but I'm also not one for naming the baby prior either. I need to see it before that happens.

I think if I were to find out it would be to mentally prepare myself. We have two boys now and if it was another boy, I'd be happy because I love our boys and how close they would be, but probably a bit sad since this is most likely our last baby.

peachy13 · June 2017

I was cool with being on team green but DH really wants to find out. And then the more I thought about it, the more I wanted to find out too. It might seem selfish, but I really want have clothes and nursery ready for LO. I realize you can totally do this even if you are on team green, but it's hard. My good friends didn't find out and buying clothes for them was a little tricky. There's not a ton of cute unisex out there. Stuff either is too boyish, too girlish, or too plain. They registered for all white and gray decor and their nursery really looks like it was meant for a little baby boy. However, they had a little girl. The nursery just doesn't really fit, in my opinion. And my friend said it was a little bit of a hassle to run out after the baby was born to find girly clothes -- since otherwise, it's hard to tell when the baby is just wearing the unisex clothes she received at the shower.

I know it's a totally selfish and materialistic reason. But it's the first baby, and the first baby on my side of the family. My mom and sister are already going wild with wanting to buy clothes and stuff, so I'm excited to find out the sex so that LO can be spoiled with cute little boy clothes or cute little girl clothes. One thing we are keeping to ourselves is the name, which won't be revealed until LO is here.

flowerpower5838 · June 2017

We will find out. Like a few others have said, it's a surprise either way. I don't think there is anything wrong with taking advantage of science and its capabilities. As science evolves, so do the things that we have done for thousands of years.

I personally didn't previously and don't expect this time to have an issue with family members being super biased based on sex so maybe that helps me make my decision to find out baby's sex, but I can certainly see that being a valid reason for some with family members that really buy into the gendered baby stuff. Boy or girl, we won't be having a shower for this one since he/she will be our second so there really won't be the opportunity to get a ton of pink or blue stuff. And if we do, well, they're gifts so I will just say thank you.

Also, whether or not you find out, you will get the gender-specific gifts basically forever anyway after the baby is born - you can't control what people give as gifts so I think that finding out specifically to avoid arbitrary pink or blue items is a little manipulative. (I know this is not THE reason people don't find out [there are tons and they are all great reasons!!], but when it is mentioned it makes me cringe a little. I am sure further down the road it's going to come up in baby shower threads that people will find out the sex and withhold it until after the shower specifically to manipulate the type of gifts they receive. Just my personal opinion, which of course everyone has the right to their own, but I think that is wrong).

edited: grammar

NME44 · June 2017

@peachy13, true about gender neutral nurseries. My "team green" nursery was green with forest animals. It ended up looking quite boyish, even though the green was very soft and pretty.

acgonzalez22 · June 2017

I truly think with all things in life and pregnancy, it is what works for YOU and your family but here is my insight. We were team green with our first. Our reasoning was simple, 9 years of trying for a child,*TW* 3 losses (Twin loss at 10 weeks and 1 right tube ligation due to ectopic) *End TW* and finally our last IVF transfer stuck. We truly felt blessed and didn't want to know the sex until he or she came out. We felt we had waited that long, so what was 9 more months.I was in labor for 5 short hours and seeing my husband turn to me and say "Baby, it's Lucas, we have a son" was one of the most amazing moment of my life. Like others have said, they are planners, I am too- but being Team Green worked for me and the wait really wasn't that excruciating.
I have seen many people say "it's a surprise, no matter what" or "birthing a baby that you know the sex is just as exciting"- I agree with that as well. This time we found out and are Team Pink. Hearing our RE tell us the sex was just as thrilling as being Team Green the first go around.

And just to add, I had zero issues bonding with DS. There are many instances where mothers' know the sex and still have bonding issues after birth- so that it is another thing to think about. I hope I was able to show you both sides of the spectrum; whichever route you choose will be amazing.
Edited:spelling

flowerpower5838 · June 2017

@acgonzalez22 I have never heard that people think that not finding out the sex prevents women from bonding with their baby in utero or after birth. How absurd!!

And I totally agree - whether or not I, your family or other people agree with why you choose what you choose, it's your decision. Very wise insight, thank you.

atack · June 2017

I don't think there is a right or wrong answer here, it's all personal and decision of the parents.

I am still debating. We found out with our first two in the 20 week anatomy scan. I wanted to be Team Green and DH didn't, and of course that peeked my curiosity and I said fine! This will be our last and I just want to have that special moment in the delivery room. I don't need a whole lot of clothes, I have one of each (although different seasons I am sure I can dig out the sleepers). I guarantee I will get hand-me-downs and I know my in-laws and parents will buy clothes the day I am in the hospital

so why not?

We do not have a room for the baby so I am not decorating anything. I will keep reading these because I am trying to stay Team Green, but that's not guaranteed!

jlemons-2 · June 2017

Damn it, @acgonzalez22 you made me cry!

dkizz82 · June 2017

acgonzalez22 said:

I truly think with all things in life and pregnancy, it is what work for YOU and your family but here is my insight. We were team green with our first. Our reasoning was simple, 9 years of trying for a child,*TW* 3 losses (Twin loss at 10 weeks and 1 right tube ligation due to ectopic) *End TW* and finally our last IVF transfer stuck. We truly felt blessed and didn't want to know the sex until he or she came out. We felt we had waited that long, so what was 9 more months.I was in labor for 5 short hours and seeing my husband turn to me and say "Baby, it's Lucas, we have a son" was one of the most amazing moment of my life. Like others have said, they are planners, I am too- but being Team Green worked for me and the wait really wasn't that excruciating.
I have seen many people say "it's a surprise, no matter what" or "birthing a baby that you know the sex is just as exciting"- I agree with that as well. This time we found out and are Team Pink. Hearing our RE tell us the sex was just as thrilling as being Team Green the first go around.

And just to add, I had zero issues bonding with DS. There are many instances where mothers' know the sex and still have bonding issues after birth- so that it is another thing to think about. I hope I was able to show you both sides of the spectrum; whichever route you choose will be amazing.
Edited:spelling

This made me a little teary.

acgonzalez22 · June 2017

@flowerpower5838 Isn't it!? For some reason people think they won't bond if they don't know the sex, or that it hinders the relationship in some way- no idea why, crazy. Numerous people said it to me during my Team Green pregnancy. I was trying to state the other side as well- there are documented cases of women that have a hard time bonding even after they knew the sex.

@jlemons-2 Oh no! Sorry mama. I tried to give my honest perspective of both sides.

kyrwyn · June 2017

We found out partly because I thought I had a pretty strong gender preference for our first (turns out I don't) and partly because we feel like we've been waiting so many years for this and knowing would help us feel more connected and excited about the baby (it has!). My best friend was team green for both of her kids and absolutely loved it. She wanted that "it's a ____!" moment after delivery that others have mentioned. After struggling to conceive, I wanted every chance to connect with this LO as early as possible. I am grateful we had the opportunity to find out so soon, because it has really helped DH and I feel more confident about the pregnancy -- which has nothing to do with gender, and everything to do with knowing just a little bit more about our incoming tiny human.

If we are blessed with a second child, I am strongly considering going team green. I, too, would like that moment after delivery and hopefully we wouldn't be combating so much doubt and anxiety the second time around.

wabash15 · June 2017

I'm team green. I was with the twins too. I wanted that traditional magical moment when the baby comes out and you find out. Also I didn't want them to be pigeon holed into pink frufru or tough boy trucks... why cant yellow and green or gray be fine? why can't my daughter wear my son's cloths and vice versa. (and to be frank with twins they do... its what ever I grab that's clean). I want them to be kids and not focus on what's between their legs.
I will say I was surprised at the number of people who were mad at me for not finding out. I took a lot of grief for it, so if your team green be prepared to get some flack.

jlemons-2 · June 2017

With my first, I did something a little different. At my 18 week ultrasound, I gave the tech a beautiful card I bought and asked her to fill in the blank of girl or boy. Then I gave it to my sister and waited until I was 30 weeks to find out at my baby shower. I really wanted a special moment to find out the gender and we did it with all of our family and friends. I just didn't want a gender reveal party because I just don't really like them. My husband and I also lean towards gender neutral stuff anyway and I had no problem making the nursery I dreamed of without knowing. Also, we put her in "boy" clothes all the time anyway. It was the perfect mix of not knowing and knowing for us. As far as not having clothes ready after the birth, I think it would be pretty easy to scoop up a bunch online while hanging out with LO at 3 am. We enjoyed waiting last time very much so we said this time we would be Team Green but the day DH found out I was pregnant, he declared that he needed to know!

AMCsquared · June 2017

I hope people didn't think I was implying there's no bond for team green people. Not at all what I was saying.

rainbowdashh · June 2017

Team green isn't for me, but I don't understand why people care if someone else doesn't want to find out. It doesn't affect them! People can be so ridiculous.

Amber_Waves · June 2017

flowerpower5838 said:

Also, whether or not you find out, you will get the gender-specific gifts basically forever anyway after the baby is born - you can't control what people give as gifts so I think that finding out specifically to avoid arbitrary pink or blue items is a little manipulative. (I know this is not THE reason people don't find out [there are tons and they are all great reasons!!], but when it is mentioned it makes me cringe a little. I am sure further down the road it's going to come up in baby shower threads that people will find out the sex and withhold it until after the shower specifically to manipulate the type of gifts they receive. Just my personal opinion, which of course everyone has the right to their own, but I think that is wrong).

While I do think the proper response to all gifts is a genuine "thank you," it is worth keeping in mind that for some people the highly gendered items are offensive to their core values. People are allowed to have their own values and pass them on to their kids without a lot of outside interference. It's not manipulative to try, gracefully, to avoid unwanted items by not registering for them or saying anything that might trigger their purchase. That's just common sense--register for what is needed and welcome and reflects your values, welcome whatever arrives.

I think some of this comes down to what the purpose of the shower is...is the the true purpose of a baby shower to help new parents acquire the gear and supplies they'll need or is it for friends and family to express their personal hopes and joys for the coming baby? Or a mix? Should Aunt Missy's gift please Aunt Missy or should it please the parents? Showers are tricky business.

MJDsquared · June 2017

We're going to find out, probably at the A/S (I'm still not sure about the NIPT, but I think we're leaning towards not doing it). I kind of don't want to tell people because of the baby shower reason--I don't want a crap ton of frilly clothes or monster truck clothes or whatever--I want things we need! I kind of like the idea of telling just our immediate family and swearing them to secrecy, then announcing at/after the baby shower.

ETA: IDGAF if people get me all the gendered clothes after the shower is over, I'd just prefer the actual things we need over a ton of clothes because people ignored the registry because baby clothes are fun to buy.

bbylifelove · June 2017

@Amber_Waves I love those reasons, and agree with you on all of them!

I'm team green all the way! Me and DH just feel very indifferent about it, and look forward to being surprised on the big day!
I say indifferent, because girl or boy they'll be involved in similar things with us overall. We live on a hobby farm, so either way they'll be in the mud, helping with chickens, the garden, joining 4-h, learning to ride a horse (we plan to get one when LO is older), helping their dad with whatever project is going on, and joining soccer, baseball, etc... their preference. If not sports, then art classes, dancing... we're very open. I want a gender neutral nursery (woods and whites/ nature theme). Our family was actually very happy to hear that we're going to wait. I think they want to guess and be excited too. It's definitely a personal choice.

I don't feel any less connected to baby - and that's what we call baby - baby!

Amber_Waves · June 2017

@bbylifelove Also on a hobby farm over here! Goats, chickens, cats, and a dog. Try not to have allergies, baby!

bbylifelove · June 2017

@Amber_Waves That's awesome!! So fun to connect with a fellow hobby farmer!

flowerpower5838 · June 2017

Amber_Waves said:

flowerpower5838 said:

Also, whether or not you find out, you will get the gender-specific gifts basically forever anyway after the baby is born - you can't control what people give as gifts so I think that finding out specifically to avoid arbitrary pink or blue items is a little manipulative. (I know this is not THE reason people don't find out [there are tons and they are all great reasons!!], but when it is mentioned it makes me cringe a little. I am sure further down the road it's going to come up in baby shower threads that people will find out the sex and withhold it until after the shower specifically to manipulate the type of gifts they receive. Just my personal opinion, which of course everyone has the right to their own, but I think that is wrong).

While I do think the proper response to all gifts is a genuine "thank you," it is worth keeping in mind that for some people the highly gendered items are offensive to their core values. People are allowed to have their own values and pass them on to their kids without a lot of outside interference. It's not manipulative to try, gracefully, to avoid unwanted items by not registering for them or saying anything that might trigger their purchase. That's just common sense--register for what is needed and welcome and reflects your values, welcome whatever arrives.

I think some of this comes down to what the purpose of the shower is...is the the true purpose of a baby shower to help new parents acquire the gear and supplies they'll need or is it for friends and family to express their personal hopes and joys for the coming baby? Or a mix? Should Aunt Missy's gift please Aunt Missy or should it please the parents? Showers are tricky business.

100% agreed that people should be able to adhere to their core values. My point is just that whether it's at a baby shower, a sip and see, a first birthday party or so on, people are going to give the gifts that they want to give. Withhold the sex now, fine, that's up to the parent, but the same clothes and gifts you (general you) are avoiding now are going to be given in the future. If gender-specific things are against your core values, I imagine there would be a conversation with the grandparents-to-be, and other close family members and friends. If they don't understand or respect that, then it's up to the parents to decide if they are going to donate/return/keep those things for when the gift giver is around, etc.

I think that withholding the sex primarily to manipulate gifts given by friends and family is wrong. I feel like if you (again, still general you) are close enough with people to invite them to something like a shower, you should be close enough with them to express your wishes and explain that this is a core value that you hold. Perhaps I am a glass half full kind of person, but I'd expect if these are your best friends and closest family members, that they would respect your core values. It's not like you're saying you don't like the color pink and would instead prefer purple. Like I said before, everyone is entitled to their own opinion and that is mine.

FWIW, I agree with you in not placing stereotypical gender norms on babies, I just don't think that their clothes (for the most part) are really the issue at hand there. I think that providing a supportive environment where mom and dad respect each other and share responsibilities and where the children are encouraged to wear/do/whatever they are interested in is more important than what an infant is wearing. I do however understand that the indoctrination starts early and can absolutely see why someone would want to avoid things like "daddy's little princess" shirts and whatnot. I am just old school when it comes to gift giving etiquette and I don't like people dictating what I can and cannot give. Because to answer your question about Aunt Missy, well, she doesn't have to give a gift at all. I think giving gifts that YOU like is just human nature, so I would expect people to do so. (FTR, I am strictly a registry shopper or cash giver, but I still support that if people choose to give a gift, it should be their choice to give what they want, be it a registry item or not).

elev2017 · June 2017

We plan on finding out the genders at the anatomy scan, since we passed on the DNA testing. I don't have a really specific reason why, we kind of just want to know! Also, I don't really like the idea of my doctor or US tech knowing and withholding that information from me. If they know, then I want to know!

cait5413 · June 2017

I wanted to be team green with our first, but DH really wanted a boy, and I wanted to give him time to adjust before she arrived if it was a girl (which it was!). I also knew he wouldn't be able to find out and keep it a secret from me. So we found out, but we kept it to ourselves--told everyone we were team green or that everyone would find out when the baby arrived and announced when she was born. One of the motives was to get more useful stuff, another was just to keep something between Dh & I and surprise everyone. DD wears girly stuff, neutral stuff, and "boy" stuff. Since we always planned to have another, we wanted as much reusable stuff as possible (boy stuff is so much easier to put on a boy or a girl!). Dh can't resist buying her cute dresses, though, and her grandmother also loves buying her girly stuff b/c DH is an only child, so she never got to shop for a girl before.

We plan to do the same thing this time.

Amber_Waves · June 2017

@flowerpower5838 Right on. I think we're actually pretty close in opinion, I'm just a little judgmental of some gift givers and you are a little of gift recipients! I hope that's okay to say!

flowerpower5838 · June 2017

Amber_Waves lol exactly that's spot on and perfectly acceptable to say.

rubyrose_0919 · June 2017

Team Green for us over here!

Additionally, we are all for gender-neutral nursery/clothes/gifts etc. because it's important to us that our child just be who they are, regardless of their sex and in my world view that starts with not forcing frills, sports, colours, likes, dislikes, etc. on an infant.

Sadly, despite many of conversations, we have many people in our life that cannot understand or respect that perspective.

KLake42 · June 2017

We're planning to find out the sex (of our identical twins), but we will probably keep it secret from family and friends. I feel like we can avoid imposing gendered expectations, but not sure about other people. And we don't want gendered toys/clothes (we love purples, greens, and yellows).

I agree that we'll get gendered stuff later, but if we can at least start with what we like, we'll be happy.

vvitchhazel · June 2017

jlemons-2 said:

Damn it, @acgonzalez22 you made me cry!

I cried too!

GraysonsMama · June 2017

If you really look at it everyone forces their perspectives on their children. Girls in pink and frilly or girls in traditionally boy attire, you are making the decision. My children will be encouraged to dress hope they like (within reason of course) but until they have an opinion I'm going to live it up. For example: I dressed my ds fairly preppy and I hate all things character. But now that he's 3 he loves Mickey mouse and minions and whatnot. I have "given in" and thrown some character stuff into the mix because it makes him happy and it's not that big of a deal. I also love pink and frilly and headbands and bows. Dd rocks that when I HAVE to get her dressed. However, she does wear her brother's old sleepers around the house. Just my opinion.

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