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November 2017 Moms
dragonfly87-2
member
Managing Family Relationships During Pregnancy/with a Newborn
dragonfly87-2
member
Just curious if others are having interesting situations or how you are/have approached family involvement with your pregnancy/the baby.
DH and I are having the first grandchild in our family, so a lot of family are pretty excited, especially our mothers. My mother and his mom mean well, but they are driving me nuts. Between asking to come to ultrasounds, wanting to be a part of announcements, constantly texting questions, offering to baby sit, and it is getting overwhelming. I am trying to be nice, but I am also standing my ground when necessary.
Just today, I told my mom and my MIL that they cannot come to our 20 week ultrasound. They both want to attend, but our practice has a 2 guest rule. DH will obviously be one of them. I don't want to have to choose and I want the experience to just be us. After all, it's our baby! I was polite about it, and DH is backing me up, but now they are both whining/complaining about it. I offered to meet for breakfast afterward and we would tell them the sex of the baby. They seem somewhat assuaged, but I am just waiting for them to ask about the birth...which I will definitely say no one in the room but DH.
I am just curious, what have others been dealing with and how are you handling it.
DH and I are having the first grandchild in our family, so a lot of family are pretty excited, especially our mothers. My mother and his mom mean well, but they are driving me nuts. Between asking to come to ultrasounds, wanting to be a part of announcements, constantly texting questions, offering to baby sit, and it is getting overwhelming. I am trying to be nice, but I am also standing my ground when necessary.
Just today, I told my mom and my MIL that they cannot come to our 20 week ultrasound. They both want to attend, but our practice has a 2 guest rule. DH will obviously be one of them. I don't want to have to choose and I want the experience to just be us. After all, it's our baby! I was polite about it, and DH is backing me up, but now they are both whining/complaining about it. I offered to meet for breakfast afterward and we would tell them the sex of the baby. They seem somewhat assuaged, but I am just waiting for them to ask about the birth...which I will definitely say no one in the room but DH.
I am just curious, what have others been dealing with and how are you handling it.
Re: Managing Family Relationships During Pregnancy/with a Newborn
TTC 9/2016 BFP 12/9/16 EDD 8/21/17 NMC 1/8/16 at 7w6d
TTC 2/2017 BFP 3/6/17 EDD 11/17/17 DS born 11/25/17 via ECS
TTC 12/2018 BFP 6/2/19 EDD 2/12/20 NMC / BO at 7 weeks, low progesterone
TTC 7/2019 BFP 8/21/19 EDD 4/22/20 CP at 5 weeks
TTC 8/19 IUI #1 w/ Clomid + Ovidrel + progesterone BFN, IUI 2 and 3 w/ Letrozole + Ovidrel + progesterone,
IUI 4 Follistim + Ovidrel + progesterone BFP 1/9/20 EDD 9/18/20
AMA, ITP in pregnancy, vWD type II - low Factor VIII, unexplained RPL and secondary infertility
Can you have them record the scan to USB . Our imaging clinic offer recording as an additional service it's only $25 and you get a USB recording of the scan plus the images they print out for you . This might be a nice pacifier for the mums .
We are having our first however this is grand baby #6 for my parents and #8 for my in laws so the family dynamic isn't so intense . On my side it's a tribe raising g type of thing where I see and help baby sit my nieces and nephew several times a week and we all pile in to grandma's house on weekends and if not there's someone's birthday or another celebration usually once a fortnight so everyone's accessible . Lots of offers to help or 2nd hand stuff to use but no one's pushy or in our face they are just excited cause we're a family centered kind of group .
My in laws we get on with like friends we are really close and even tho we dont see my husband's siblings as much Noone on that side are outspoken or boistress about things so even if they were desperate to be involved more they'd never show it . So we keep everyone informed and they are happy to let this be ours a bit and just between hubby and I .
Hubby who is twisting with excitement and had an instant priority shift and attitude change to work which he seems to enjoy more now
Life relationships and family are funny and baby's have a way of shifting the gravity of them
This is a cautionary tale because my inability to stand up for myself ruined the relationship I had with my MIL. My mom was able to anticipate my needs during delivery and afterwards and I was so grateful for her presence. My MIL has been a thorn in my side since that day because I'm way too concerned about not hurting her feelings and she's not worried at all about hurting mine.
You know your family best. Set whatever boundaries you feel you need ASAP and stay strong. It's better to disappoint them a little now than to build up bitterness.
I've spoken to DH about it and he respects my decision but I don't think he has approached them about it yet. I think everyone knows this is the last grandchild for my in laws so I'm trying to keep them included as much as possible (especially my MIL) but I do not want them there.
My in laws came right away and I was excited for them to be there, but it felt more like company than help. If family is coming make sure they're the type to vacuum your floors or do your dishes instead of holding the baby so you can do them.
DHs mom came to visit when DD was 2 weeks old. *eye roll* I was okay with this (or so I though) They stayed with us (in our 1 bedroom apartment!) for a week! I've told DH she is not allowed this stay with us this time! They we no help and didn't change a single diaper the whole week!
DHs dad and step mom came when DD was about a month old. They stayed in a hotel and were awesomen even watched DD so we could go to a movie one night for my bday! This time I've asked them to stay with us (we own a house now
ANYWAY, rant over! But what I'm trying to get at is that it's great to have plans but keep in mind you may want something different in the moment and that's okay too!!
My parents can be at the hospital when the time comes, and they can meet the babies for 5 minutes, then they're out of there. However, we will need them to drive us home!
BFs parents are both passed. I wish they were here to cause some in law grief. I joke that I made twins so he could have more family.
My in-laws were the sit-and-hold-baby type who never even changed a diaper or offered to help with anything, and brought food they knew I didn't like.
My mom was my rock. Knew what I needed, while also giving me my space.
My best friend who lives a few states over came to stay with me for a week after my mom left and she was amazing too.
The important thing is, in those crazy early postpartum days, you should only have people around you who get you, and people you can be honest with, and people who you don't mind flashing.
I let my mom and sister come to the anatomy scan. It was cramped and the ultrasound tech was not amused. They were excited but I won't do it again. The plan for delivery was to let the family know after he arrived. I didn't want to entertain a room full of people while I labored but that is exactly what happened. Well my water broke early so we texted everyone that we were heading in to get checked out. My FIL showed up at 6am and my mother followed shortly after. My labor progressed to the point of uncomfortable pretty quickly and I needed them gone. I finally get them to go to the waiting room by saying I needed to go to the bathroom and the nurses would have to help me. I find out after the fact that my mother was hovering with her ear to the door while I am laboring loudly (imagine a wild banshee) without an epidural. My OB comes in to actually deliver the baby, catches her, and banishes her to the waiting room. I was livid when I found this out after the fact. It was such a private moment and if I wanted her to be a part of it, I would have asked her to stay in the room.
After delivery I was eternally grateful for her. She stayed at my house with the dogs, cleaned my entire home, and made 2 weeks worth of freezer meals.
Stand up for what you want. It is your experience. Any anger, jealously, resentment felt by the family will immediately resolve when they see your precious squishy
This time I'm kind of confused on what I want. My mom and dad still work full time and since my mom works in a health related field she really doesn't have much flexibility. My MIL however doesn't work and even though she lives a few states away I'm debating on asking her if she can come and stay with DD while we are in the hospital. The only problem is I don't want her to be here for three weeks again and we don't really know when this little one will make his or her appearance.
With my first, she was the first grandchild in either of our families (and great-grand). While we had more than enough people to "help" and offer advice, we were kind but clear with our families upfront. DH and I pretty much have a "you deal with your mom and I will deal with mine" policy for most things is life! We are an extremely close family and although the personalities are different, everyone was always focused on what was best for us...for that I am grateful! My husband worked nights when the first one was born and because I was toxemic and hospitalized for most of his time off, my mom came and stayed with me for the first few nights. Although she was very willing to help, she basically slept on the couch through the night feedings and it was a pretty easy transition.
We were scheduled with #2 and everyone was in the waiting room. DD was on 18 months and we had a pretty smooth transition to life with 2 so there was not need for help.
With #3 he was born via emergency section and everyone rush to the hospital but no one was there but me and DH. He was in the NICU and only parents and grandparents could go in. My older kids only caught glimpses of their brother through a window for the first 3 months of his life! I had a HARD time allowing any one else to go in and see him, but I knew it was good for everyone. My DH is one of the most selfless people alive and he really helped me to see that although I wanted this little one ALL to myself, that we would have a life time of memories and it was OK to share him. No one ever went to see him without our knowledge and we were usually there. I went everyday from 9-2 while my kids were in school and then we usually made the 45 min drive back in the evenings so that DH could visit him and kids could catch a glimpse.
Each family has their own dynamics and no one is right or wrong. I believe that as many loving family members as a child can have, the more well adjusted they will be. DH and I guard our family time and take our time together seriously. However, we also try and not be selfish and allow as many family as will love them to have time and influence in their lives. I know we are blessed and some of you literally have to fight for the protection of your kids. Here's to hoping everyone is able to get their expectations out there before hand so there will be a smooth transition when LO comes!!
Wow, that turned into a novel. TL:DR We will find work arounds to make it all work for us.
Very interesting post - lots of similarities actually.
With DS1 I really wanted my mom there- she came and stayed 2 days - I had a C-section and couldn't really do much. I begged her to stay a couple days longer but she had a party to go to so left. It was the start of a not great path for us. She constantly goes on about how much she loves babies and her grandchildren but has never given me any help (she is a retired teacher). With DS2 I knew better and didn't ask for help and didn't get any which I expected. I actually got in a fight with her last time I saw her because she was saying how ridiculous it is that parents in this generation expect their parents to be around helping all the time (she has lots of friends who help with grandchildren a lot). I told her that she has never given me any help and now I don't expect it. I know it made her mad but my disappointment in how our relationship has turned out since I had kids (we were very close before) makes me emotional.
If I need help I need to ask my MIL which is also a difficult relationship. She is good with the boys but really pushy and overbearing which I can only take in small doses. I will likely ask her to watch the guys when the time comes because I can't rely on my mom.
We reconciled but for the sake of our relationship, it's best that we have boundaries. I will prob ask her to watch ds1 while I am at the hospital but hopefully that's it. She offered to watch ds1 and it took more than a year to get her out of our house and she's still monopolizing a whole room with her stuff. I don't want to repeat history so I will prob try and keep her at a distance...even though I don't mind flashing her lol
My in laws are completely useless (pls see my previous posts) and will prob expect me to cook them a turkey dinner as usual 3 days before I am due. No thanks.
Anyway, I am kind of envious of you guys who have family that really want to be involved. Our families combined just aren't the family to call on in a time of need.
DS: 18 months
Dx DOR AMH .2
<a href="http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="Pregnancy"><img
But now that I've thought about it more I'm kind of worried. She never sticks to my daughter's schedule and likes to toe the line on rules and boundaries, so I'm concerned that I'll come home from the hospital to a cranky/sugar hyped toddler. Oh and my MIL will be there when I walk in the door waiting to snatch up the baby while I get started on chores.
This this this
My son was the first grandchild for both sides and it was tough. My ILs definitely had certain expectations of their involvement with labor and birth. My mom did too, but she just understood more that it was just what I wanted because she knew me. I had no one in the room but DH and ended up compromising on them being in the waiting room. I didn't even want that. It's not a circus. It ended up being an incredibly long day for them because I spent 24 hours in labor plus a c-section. Just stay home and we'll call. Let us get settled. I'm putting my foot down this time. I thought about how long their day was more than my own. I was not well after my labor and delivery and had a lot of anxiety over how long "I made everyone wait." I'm in a much better place now and in a place where it won't happen again.
My mom was also a ROCKSTAR after we got home. She stayed with us for 10 days. She cleaned. She cooked. I had a c-section and she constantly refilled my water and let me know how wonderful I was doing (you have no idea if you're doing well, you just are in a fog). She could write a book on exactly what a new mother needs and it's rarely for you to hold the baby. She held the baby often, don't get me wrong, but she did all of those other things knowing I barely had the energy to breastfeed. If I could clone her for all of you I would. My ILs were completely different and very similar to a lot of what I read above.
Put your foot down. Don't give in like me. There's nothing wrong with them being the first phone call after birth if that's what you want. I love the idea of a breakfast after the anatomy scan. That's really sweet. Make labor as stress free as possible on YOU. Labor is different for everyone, and even when it's a breeze, it's still labor.
DS1 is 7. DD is 1. DS2 is coming in late April.
Delivery day I was induced. My mom and fiancés parents where there. SO and mom were in the room even though I didn't want her there really. Since he came at 12:14am and we did skin to skin no one got to hold him. I hope everyone waits until the next day this time. Oh and my fiancés Dad came up to me after delivery kiss my forehead and said thank you lol like I was their surrogate. Should've known then!! Lol
DD- 9
DS-6
c/p- April 2016
missed m/c- 6w5d; discovered 8w2d- September 2016