Gals I've been thinking of and praying for Abigail all day long today. She is such a little doll. I am so glad @kmolleltz came back over to our BMB. What a remarkable woman/family.
Hey ladies! Sorry I haven't been able to check in, things have been a bit crazy and I'm barely finding time to sleep. Abigail had surgery Wednesday evening. Everything went well and she was in and out in 4 hours. We are still in icu (post op recovery) BUT today she got all her chest tubes/lines out so that's awesome. We will be moving to the step down unit today. She is still on oxygen and has come down with a bit of congestion which is making it a bit difficult for her to take a bottle but overall she's doing really well and the drs say she is ahead of schedule. Thank you for all your prayers/vibes/support. Apologies if th pic is huge I'm on mobile.
*American lady living in Tanzania.
DH - Tanzanian Maasai
BFP #1 - MC Dec 2, 2015 (@ 9weeks) BFP #2 - Feb 2, 2016 --EDD 10/10/16 --Abigail- October 6, 2016. Heart warrior. October 2017- Began fostering to adopt T, (DOB:November 19, 2013)
@kmolleltz yay!!!! My eyes welled up with tears when I read your update. I am so happy for you and Abigail. Praise God! I will continue to pray for her recovery and for you to be able to take her home soon. Keep us posted when you can.
Yes! So thankful for a successful surgery, and way to go Abigail for being a quick healer! I'm thinking about you guys and looking forward to more updates
I am leaving this here in this thread so as not to take away from the cuteness of Abigail and Vera in the other randoms thread, but I have called off the wedding, broken off my engagement, asked FI to find somewhere else to live, and my hearts hurts so bad it makes me feel like I need to vomit myself to death.
@AllyTheKid all the hugs and love. You are an amazing mother and person. I don't know the details of course with SO but know you have made sacrifices in the past for him, you need to just do you for a while and work through this life transition. There is hope in your future and we are hear to provide support and lift you up.
Long story short, he has been struggling with alcoholism pretty much our whole relationship. It started getting abusive early on- first verbally, then emotionally, and more recently physically. I have begged, pleaded, and demanded that he quit drinking, but he doesn't. He promises he won't drink, then lies to me and sneaks around to drink, especially with his friend, who has witnessed abuse but still enables him. I realized I am an enabler too by letting him get away with it for so long with no consequences other than arguing, crying, or the cold shoulder. It makes me feel pathetic, and I refuse to disrespected in such a way any longer. If he truly cared about his family or relationship, he would change. Not 'try', he would DO it. Yesterday I told him he had to promise me he wouldn't do this to me ever again and keep that promise. He said he won't because "he can't see the future" and doesn't know what he'll do. I told him if he wanted to, he could make iy happen, if he won't, then there is nothing left for us and he needs to. He said he "is a grown man and doesn't like being controlled". I told him to act like one then, and if begging him not to drink because I'm scared for my emotional and physical well-being is being contolling, then he needs to go find somewhere else or someone else where he won't be "controlled". He has been in Therapy, and was lying his way through it making himself look real good to his counselor, until last night after I told him to leave, told her a bit of the truth finally. I don't know if he thinks just because he did that I'm going to think "wow, he's trying to change" or what. He's a smoothe talker and an actor, always have been so I'm not falling for it He's still in this house sleeping on the couch until he finds somewhere else to go, and I need the strength to stick to what I said this time. He has to go. And if he doesn't PROVE over an extended period of time that he is changing himself, there is no future for us ever. My children don't need this in their lives. I don't either. I don't deserve it, and they shouldn't have to see it, hear it, and especially never potentially experience it one day. This really is the shortened version without detail, and I'm sorry it is as long as it is. If you made it this far, good job and thank you. If anybody has any experience with this, advice, or even just support I'll take whatever I can get. I haven't talked to my family about this yet, I'm too ashamed and embarassed.
@AllyTheKid I'm so sorry!! I was in a situation similar to that. My last relationship was with a guy that came across perfect. Good looking, educated, great job, treated me like a princess... After getting serious, he told me that he was addicted to pain killers and had been for years. We tried NA, therapy, outpatient rehab, and nothing worked. I finally decided enough was enough and left. He came to me saying he was going to an in patient rehab and asked for me to stick with him.. I said no. I know that sounds cruel but I was done. He ended up doing the rehab and to this day I don't know if he is clean or not. He got arrested for a DUI a few months after rehab so probably not.
For me, leaving was the right decision although I struggled with it for a while. For a year I struggled with rather I made the right decision or not. I loved him so much.. and a part of me still loves him. I struggled with the fact that he treated me amazingly. Then I realized that although it seemed that way, if he truly loved me, he wouldn't have put me through all that. He wouldn't have lied to me about being addicted until I loved him. He would have let me know up front and gotten help immediately.
Like I said, my decision was right for me. Only you will know what's right for you and your family. I know many families that have worked through circumstances like yours and many that have not.
I do encourage you to seek therapy for yourself. It's incredibly difficult to go from being married to someone to being alone and dealing with feelings of broken trust, betrayal, anger, sadness, etc.
I know you are in school. Do you have a way to financially support you and the boys? Family that will help out? This is the time to lean on family and friends that are strong and will help you out. Leaning on them is not a weakness. I made the mistake of dealing with everything myself (didn't talk to anyone about it), moved out on my own away from family and friends, and shut them out of my life. This led me down a 6 month period where I did many things I'm not proud of due to feeling lonely.
Don't be embarrassed. Life happens! Lean on them. It's way too difficult to do it all on your own.
Ill be praying for you guys! I know emotions are all over the place but I promise, it will get better! Whatever you decide to do, we are here to help or just be a listening ear.
@fitlady21 Thank you. I will talk to my family eventually, I just can't right now. At least not until I have a solid plan lined up, but I will once I do. I started looking for counselors yesterday, but that will have to wait until I find a job. I'm looking for something part time- I think between that and school money, I can provide for us, and still manage my home and schoolwork. I applied at UPS and for some tutoring jobs yesterday, I'm still looking around for jobs now. Maybe I can find some counseling through school or something too? I'll have to ask.
I am also going to start going to anger management since I am certainly guilty of not handling my feelings in a healthy way anymore, especially when it comes to him, and I am getting this implant taken out of my arm on June 1st since I have noticed it has been contributing to my extreme emotions, and that is surely playing a part in how I handle myself as well.
I just want to know that I'm not in the wrong for this. I know this is going to imoact the kids, and turn our world upside down, but I feel like it will get better after this storm instead of just getting worse, and worse, and worse...
@allythekid Don't apologize for venting, no matter how long your post is. No matter what, no one deserves to be abused. I don't care what the person does or how their emotions affect the relationship. You are not wrong and honestly, you are doing what is necessary for the kids. Its not fair to them to be exposed to that type of situation or like you said, possibly encounter it themselves. I don't mean to sound harsh because I feel like that is probably how this is coming off, but I'm just a tell it like it is type of person. I completely agree with everything @fitlady21 said. You should do what is right for you and your family and if you think moving forward without him is the right thing, then that is what it is. I completely understand feeling embarrassed to share this with your family. I myself deal with some of that because I feel like I always have to be perfect in their eyes. But ultimately, they are my family and will be there for me if I need them and I hope your family will do the same.
I feel like a child, and I feel weak. I would like to point out that despite everything, I feel like he is genuinely good inside, and I want to salvage our relationship if he can prove what I believe about him over time so we can start again in the future... I really do love him more than I've ever loved anybody and can't imagine being alone or with anybody but him. He came home after a doctor's appointment and was home all day, napping and laying around. He slept on the couch last night, but I was worried he would think I wasn't really serious about him leaving. He called me on his lunch break, I told him I needed to talk to him about some things, asked him if he wanted to talk now or after work, he said now, so I told him I was serious about him leaving, and that we have a lot of work to do on ourselves that we CAN'T do together if there is any hope for us later. I asked him if he really thought anything would change if we just ignored this and went "back to normal" like usual... He hung up on me earlier but I could hear him crying, and he hasn't answered me yet. I feel like a bully, I can't stand hurting him and making him cry is making it hard for me to not try to just comfort him instead of stick to this decision... I know I can't let him keep getting away with it though. I hate my stupid compassionate nature ;(
@AllyTheKid Your situation is very, very tough and heartbreaking but with the recent physical altercation I'm with you on him having to leave. He absolutely needs to stop drinking in order to have a clear mind to work through some serious mental health issues and to parent his children. His responses show that he thinks his behavior is acceptable, which is absolutely not. He may even be in denial of the severity of the things he has been doing and their effects on you and the kids. I know that it does take two to tango and you haven't been perfect either but he is in the wrong for taking things to a dangerous level. He needs a harsh dose of reality. Whether that takes therapy, abstaining from alcohol etc. time apart is necessary. I know he was rushing the marriage and maybe that was his way of thinking you would have to stick with him regardless of what was going on. I'm sure he does have a great heart and the good times have been good but those bad times are what need to be addressed right now. In order to do whats best for your family and its potential future to come together again you have to remain steadfast in your decision to separate for your and the children's sake. Easier said then done I know, but it is time to make a change.
I totally get the shame and embarrassment and wanting to keep those skeletons in the closet because I have been in a similar situation when I was in my dating years. I don't want to come off as preachy but we have grown close, and I think you came here to share with us because you respect what we have to say and I appreciate your friendship over the last 15 months. Wishing you the best Ally, and you truly are an amazing Mom and person and deserve the feel safe, happy, trust, and loved in a relationship just like everyone else deserves.
Thank you, all of you, for your input and support. I agree with all of you that I need to talk to my family about this, and sooner rather than later so I can avoid questions about the wedding. I also agree that time apart really is the right move to make. I'm just nervous. I don't know how he is going to handle it when the time comes or how to explain it to the kids, or how I am going to manage on my own, especially when the shock and numbness wears off and I'm alone... I don't think any of you sound harsh or preachy, and I have grown to know you all as some of the most reasonable and objective people I have ever 'met', and I do very much respect what you have to say. I will keep you updated.
Shame and embarrassment are two emotions that abusers exploit to keep their victims from leaving. Please do not take any of what I say as judgement, just support and well intended advice.
I have experience with being ina relationship with an alcoholic. DH fortunately came to the conclusion early in our relationship that he wanted to get sober. But I've seen other alcoholics in his family get really defensive when confronted with their addiction, similar to your fiancé saying "you're trying to control him" simply because you want him to stop his destructive behavior.
I'm not saying that alcoholism excuses abusive behavior, but if you are insistent on making things work, he needs to, AT A MINIMUM, seek help, serious help, for his addiction and behavior. I also understand it's extremely difficult because you have children together and you rely on him financially, but do not let those factors play a bigger role than how he treats you physically, verbally, and emotionally.
I know you say he is a really good person on the inside, but this kind of thinking makes it hard to let go of someone if you ever need to. Please be open to the fact, as hard as it may be to admit, that he could just be an asshole. IM sorry that's so harsh.
Re: April Randoms
Apologies if th pic is huge I'm on mobile.
BFP #2 - Feb 2, 2016 --EDD 10/10/16 --Abigail- October 6, 2016. Heart warrior.
October 2017- Began fostering to adopt T, (DOB:November 19, 2013)
I realized I am an enabler too by letting him get away with it for so long with no consequences other than arguing, crying, or the cold shoulder. It makes me feel pathetic, and I refuse to disrespected in such a way any longer. If he truly cared about his family or relationship, he would change. Not 'try', he would DO it.
Yesterday I told him he had to promise me he wouldn't do this to me ever again and keep that promise. He said he won't because "he can't see the future" and doesn't know what he'll do. I told him if he wanted to, he could make iy happen, if he won't, then there is nothing left for us and he needs to. He said he "is a grown man and doesn't like being controlled". I told him to act like one then, and if begging him not to drink because I'm scared for my emotional and physical well-being is being contolling, then he needs to go find somewhere else or someone else where he won't be "controlled".
He has been in Therapy, and was lying his way through it making himself look real good to his counselor, until last night after I told him to leave, told her a bit of the truth finally. I don't know if he thinks just because he did that I'm going to think "wow, he's trying to change" or what. He's a smoothe talker and an actor, always have been so I'm not falling for it
My children don't need this in their lives. I don't either. I don't deserve it, and they shouldn't have to see it, hear it, and especially never potentially experience it one day.
This really is the shortened version without detail, and I'm sorry it is as long as it is. If you made it this far, good job and thank you.
If anybody has any experience with this, advice, or even just support I'll take whatever I can get. I haven't talked to my family about this yet, I'm too ashamed and embarassed.
For me, leaving was the right decision although I struggled with it for a while. For a year I struggled with rather I made the right decision or not. I loved him so much.. and a part of me still loves him. I struggled with the fact that he treated me amazingly. Then I realized that although it seemed that way, if he truly loved me, he wouldn't have put me through all that. He wouldn't have lied to me about being addicted until I loved him. He would have let me know up front and gotten help immediately.
Like I said, my decision was right for me. Only you will know what's right for you and your family. I know many families that have worked through circumstances like yours and many that have not.
I do encourage you to seek therapy for yourself. It's incredibly difficult to go from being married to someone to being alone and dealing with feelings of broken trust, betrayal, anger, sadness, etc.
I know you are in school. Do you have a way to financially support you and the boys? Family that will help out? This is the time to lean on family and friends that are strong and will help you out. Leaning on them is not a weakness. I made the mistake of dealing with everything myself (didn't talk to anyone about it), moved out on my own away from family and friends, and shut them out of my life. This led me down a 6 month period where I did many things I'm not proud of due to feeling lonely.
Don't be embarrassed. Life happens! Lean on them. It's way too difficult to do it all on your own.
Ill be praying for you guys! I know emotions are all over the place but I promise, it will get better! Whatever you decide to do, we are here to help or just be a listening ear.
Let us know what we can do to help.
I just want to know that I'm not in the wrong for this. I know this is going to imoact the kids, and turn our world upside down, but I feel like it will get better after this storm instead of just getting worse, and worse, and worse...
He came home after a doctor's appointment and was home all day, napping and laying around. He slept on the couch last night, but I was worried he would think I wasn't really serious about him leaving.
He called me on his lunch break, I told him I needed to talk to him about some things, asked him if he wanted to talk now or after work, he said now, so I told him I was serious about him leaving, and that we have a lot of work to do on ourselves that we CAN'T do together if there is any hope for us later. I asked him if he really thought anything would change if we just ignored this and went "back to normal" like usual... He hung up on me earlier but I could hear him crying, and he hasn't answered me yet. I feel like a bully, I can't stand hurting him and making him cry is making it hard for me to not try to just comfort him instead of stick to this decision... I know I can't let him keep getting away with it though. I hate my stupid compassionate nature ;(
I totally get the shame and embarrassment and wanting to keep those skeletons in the closet because I have been in a similar situation when I was in my dating years. I don't want to come off as preachy but we have grown close, and I think you came here to share with us because you respect what we have to say and I appreciate your friendship over the last 15 months. Wishing you the best Ally, and you truly are an amazing Mom and person and deserve the feel safe, happy, trust, and loved in a relationship just like everyone else deserves.
I also agree that time apart really is the right move to make. I'm just nervous. I don't know how he is going to handle it when the time comes or how to explain it to the kids, or how I am going to manage on my own, especially when the shock and numbness wears off and I'm alone... I don't think any of you sound harsh or preachy, and I have grown to know you all as some of the most reasonable and objective people I have ever 'met', and I do very much respect what you have to say. I will keep you updated.
leaving. Please do not take any of what I say as judgement, just support and well intended advice.
I have experience with being ina relationship with an alcoholic. DH fortunately came to the conclusion early in our relationship that he wanted to get sober. But I've seen other alcoholics in his family get really defensive when confronted with their addiction, similar to your fiancé saying "you're trying to control him" simply because you want him to stop his destructive behavior.
I'm not saying that alcoholism excuses abusive behavior, but if you are insistent on making things work, he needs to, AT A MINIMUM, seek help, serious help, for his addiction and behavior. I also understand it's extremely difficult because you have children together and you rely on him financially, but do not let those factors play a bigger role than how he treats you physically, verbally, and emotionally.
I know you say he is a really good person on the inside, but this kind of thinking makes it hard to let go of someone if you ever need to. Please be open to the fact, as hard as it may be to admit, that he could just be an asshole. IM sorry that's so harsh.
BFP: 8/20/2018 - EDD 5/4/2019