Not my first IVF rodeo

radmom27 · April 2017

@Hopeful_mom I'm hoping that you just have late bloomers but that they'll all catch up and do great. I know it's hard to keep positive...I struggle with this on a daily basis. Do you get another update tomorrow?

I'm still angry and sad about my miscarriage and it happened almost two years ago. It seems like that was my one and only option to have a baby at this point and that it possibly was the last good egg I have left. I just don't understand how every single one of my eggs seems to be bad. Another BFN on FRER today for me. I'm only 5dp5dt but at the same time, I've been down this road before and know how this is going end up. Although DH has been a constant source of support, when I told him that I was already getting negatives this AM, said "Maybe this wasn't meant to be and it's your body's way of sending you a message." Sigh. Maybe he's right.

JamieH2000 · April 2017

@radmom27- I get the dissapointment of the BFN, even this early. I am going to hold on to hope for you and pray that you get a second line soon! Sometimes guys just really say the wrong thing. If you want to be a mother, you will be, somehow someway. Hang in there. I know the tww is pure torture. Sending lots of prayers your way!

mtpbadger · April 2017

@radmom27 no matter how long we've been at this or what we except, seeing a BFN never gets any easier. Guys just don't get what we are going through, don't understand exactly how IF robs us and even though they mean well, it doesn't always come across well. I'm still holding out hope for you on this one. It just sucks when our bodies repeatedly fail us.

20T · April 2017

I'm so sorry @radmom27. I can't say it any better than @JamieH2000 and @mtpbadger did, IF just simply sucks.

Hopeful_mom · April 2017

@radmom27- ditto to what everyone said above!!! However I do think 5dp is still pretty early i'm going to still have some hope and you should too!! Give it a couple of days, many have been like you and still got a bfp - please hang in there!!

rainbowwishes5 · April 2017

@radmom27 hang in there. This will sound like nonesense and if I were you id shrug my comment off Buuut. I didn't get my latest BFP until 13dpo and it was weak. Now, anything can happen from here (for me or you). But please give it a few days. I'm thinking of you.

radmom27 · April 2017

@rainbowwishes5 @mtpbadger @JamieH2000 @20T @Hopeful_mom I may have cried after reading all of your messages (combination of hormones out of control and a disappointing day/3 years). Thank you for all of your kind words and your support.

Hopeful_mom · April 2017

rainbowwishes5 how r u? We havent heard from you in a while.

rainbowwishes5 · April 2017

@Hopeful_mom TW--------------- learned I'm going to miscarry today. Baby stopped growing at 5w6d and since my dr has no idea why I keep losing them he has said its time for a surrogate- they aren't pretending that all 5 embryos must have been abnormal anymore. So that's something. I don't know when we will actually use a surrogate as time is not of the essence anymore. So I suspect we will wait a year or two and then go through the surrogacy process- it can take up to a year to be matched so if I am lucky I'll get my take home baby in 3-4 years. We'll see

radmom27 · April 2017

@rainbowwishes5 I'm so sorry...there are just no words. My thoughts are with you.

JamieH2000 · April 2017

@rainbowwishes5- I am so sorry

I can't imagine going through 5 losses. Maybe you have already talked to one, but I know there are a few select doctors that specialize in RPL. I have known a few ladies that have had multiple losses find success through Dr. Kwak Kim (in Chicago). Not all REs believe in the immunology part of RPL, but just thought I would through it out there since your losses are so unexplained. Thinking of you and sending prayers.

AFM- I have FINALLY made a decision. Its been really hard the last few months (as you guys know

) but I am listening to my gut and moving on to donor eggs. From the beginning of ttc, I just had this feeling my eggs were bad. I can't explain it, and I even told my friend during month 4 of trying about my worries. I had just turned 28 and she thought I was crazy. I'm not moving on because I am impatient or can't keep waiting, but because in my gut I really don't think IVF #4 will work. I feel like my delays have been a sign that I need to be done. I was so torn in Feb about what to do next, and the "easiest" path was just to try again so I didn't have to really make the hard choice to move on. Obviously my hopeful side thinks sometimes there is a chance, but not high enough to keep putting myself through this. I think this is the biggest, scariest decision I have ever made, but once I made the decision, i feel as a weight has lifted. I also believe that if I am meant to have a genetic child, I will someday. I hopefully have at least 10 more years of ovulating, so maybe we will catch a good egg in there if its meant to be. I'm still going to stick around if thats ok with you ladies, but it will be a few months before anything really gets going for us.

rainbowwishes5 · April 2017

Good for you @JamieH2000! This is a step in the right direction I am sure!

Afm- yes maybe I will give someone who believes in immunology a chance- my current RE doesn't believe in it.

but something is wrong obviously.

Hopeful_mom · April 2017

rainbowwishes5 so sad to see your update!! I thought I missed your pregnancy and was so excited from what you wrote the other day, so very sorry to here! My heart goes out to you! (hugs)

@JamieH2000 sounds like you're really happy so i'm happy for you, i know its been weighing on you for some time! Please dont leave me

radmom27 are you testing again or maybe just give it a few days.

AFM: waiting for news on my embabies so its hard to concentrate on anything else!!

radmom27 · April 2017

@JamieH2000 I'm so happy for you that you made a decision and feel better. Please don't go and please keep us updated on your progress. I thought I was OK with my fertility journey coming to and end soon but I've started to think about pursuing a donor. I mentioned it to my husband who has been strongly opposed in the past and last night was kind of surprised when he said that he was open to it. I'm so excited for you and can't wait to hear about the progress.
@Hopeful_mom Let us know as soon as you find out about your embies!! I'm hoping that you have all 7!!!!
I'd like to say I have more self control with POAS, but I don't. Very, very negative this AM.

Hopeful_mom · April 2017

radmom27 i'm sorry to hear but will still have some hope!! Glad you're still not giving up - this is not an easy journey for sure!!

AFM: I did hear that so far I've got 2 blasts 5AA/5BB. Of course I was hoping for more but was happy to hear that they were all still growing so lets hope tomorrow will have some more good news!! From what I gather 3 are in a 1A stage which I believe is a blast stage but not the one that can be frozen yet. Another was at the morula and another was MF - still haven't figured out what that means yet, anyone every hear of that at this stage for grading?

I'm wondering if part of the problem is that my embryos do better in the womb then outside. For example, if I wanted to do a transfer with an embryo that couldn't make it to the necessary stage needed to be frozen, could that embryo make for a viable pregnancy. Some things I've read say that the blastocyst has to get to a later stage to be frozen because an early stage blastocyst won't freeze. Am I losing normal embryos that might be able to thrive if placed in my uterus and just aren't strong enough to freeze...ugh I know its a wild question and even my RE will i'm sure say anything is possible right?

JamieH2000 · April 2017

@radmom27- thinking of you lots and really hoping for a second line for you any day now!! That is great to hear your husband is open to donor. I really hope you don't need it, but I think its a great option to still have a child genetically connected to your husband and that you still get to carry and give birth too. Definitely hard to not have you genetics, but I really think its the next best thing. Everyone I have spoken to says that once the child is here, you wouldn't want anything else. What I find comforting is that there is no guarantee my child would necessarily look and be like me anyways. I think raising a child has just as much influence or more on how they turn out and who they are.

@hopeful_mom- I won't leave you guys! But I am planning to take some trips and try to LIVE again for the next few months since I haven't really been living great the last year or so. So i may not be on quite as much, but I will definitely be checking in and cheering everyone on. I'm hoping by the time I have my transfer (probably later summer), that I am the last one left to join the PAIF from us!

Hopeful_mom · April 2017

Just got the call and 6 blasts made it and were sent for testing. I can't believe another 4 caught up. WOO HOO!! thanks for the support ladies your thoughts/advice really helped! Praying there are some normies in this bunch!!

mtpbadger · April 2017

@hopeful_mom that is great news!!!! Fingers crossed this is your bunch!

@jamieh2000 I can't imagine how hard the decision to move forward with donor eggs is but glad you feel at peace about it! I think listening to your gut is the right way to go. We can second guess ourselves at so many points in this process (especially when/if to move to using third party) but have to just do what feels right at the moment. Hopefully you have an amazing summer! Unfortunately, I'm sure I will still be around here when you have your transfer, only since the Surrogacy route takes so freaking long! Who knows, maybe the meds I'm on now will help and I'll be able to give it another try late summer with my own body.

AFM - Not much going on, but I have been keeping up to date with all of you on here! DH and I have a telephone "meeting" scheduled with another couple who used the attorney we met a few weeks ago to see how their experience was. I haven't really talked to anyone who has used surrogacy, so it will be nice to get someone else's viewpoint, perspective, opinion, and maybe any advice. My new meds (especially the metformin) have been giving me some tummy trouble as I'm adjusting to the full dose and I am not hungry at all! I've been forcing myself to eat my regular sized meals but it's a struggle. Combined with still eating mostly healthy since ending the Whole 30 and starting to run again, I'm at my lowest weight in about 3 years, which isn't the best for me since I'm on the slim side to begin with. I really have to start focusing on getting some more calories in throughout the day!

Hopeful_mom · April 2017

mtpbadger i didn't realize how on the slim side u are, happy to give you my extra lbs free of charge

I wish it was that easy!! You're at your lowest and i'm at my highest in the last 10 years I would say...ugh that horrifies me now that I just thought about it! My knees were just not meant for running, good for u! We shall all be here till we get our miracles together!

mtpbadger · April 2017

@hopeful_mom before we did Whole30 I was at my second highest weight ever (I drank and ate waaaay too much in college!!) but stopping all the meds and forcing myself to eat healthy made me feel so much better, these new meds will hopefully level out bc I really don't want to lose anymore. I'm not cut out to be a runner but I try to get it done. I've lost so much of my fitness after basically stopping during IVF that it's like starting all over.

When will you find out the results?

JamieH2000 · April 2017

@mtpbadger- i really think I am listening to my gut but I didn't want to for a while bc I didn't like what it was saying haha. I still have hope for a miracle surprise someday but hopefully I'll get the baby that I know is meant for me soon. That is great you are in good shape! I need to work on the eating now that I will be off meds for a while. are you going to keep doing the whole 30 or start adding back in sweets and things? I am sure talking to another couple about the GC will help. I have two good friends in my local support group that have done donor so talking to them has been so helpful. And of course all the ladies on here!! Hope you are having som fun on your months off!!

mtpbadger · April 2017

That's awesome that you have ppl that have been through the donor process before!

Im not denying myself any sweets but still mainly eating Whole30 just bc I've gotten used to it! I've had some sweets here and there but don't crave them and am able to have one cookie instead of 10 and am eating way less gluten than before. Definitely enjoying my wine and beer again!

Hopeful_mom · April 2017

@mtpbadger- Since they sent my results out end of the week not expecting to hear anything till end of next week, i hope or early the following week...who knows. Depending on the results will factor into what the next step is so its a lil nerve wracking right now!

radmom27 · May 2017

I took a brief hiatus with a couple of days off...all the POAS BFNs had me down. I had my beta today and as expected it was negative. I've had a couple of days to wrap my head around it so I'm OK now and thinking about my next plan. Time for some wine tonight. Lots of wine. I hope all of you ladies are doing well. @Hopeful_mom Hoping for good news about your embies this week!

JamieH2000 · May 2017

@radmom27- So sorry for the BFN. it just never gets easier. Good plan with the wine! We are all here for you as you figure our your next plan. Thinking of you and hoping for clarity!!

20T · May 2017

I'm so sorry @radmom27. I hope you're able to enjoy the wine tonight!

Hopeful_mom · May 2017

@radmom27 was really hoping for some better news, sorry to hear!! I hope you enjoyed a few bottles!! We're all here with you for the new plan! Do you have a date scheduled with your RE? I'm praying testing will go well for them THANK YOU!! My tummy was killing all day today, not sure if it was from AF being on its way or my skirt being too tight or nerves from the interview I had. Now home in my pjays and all is fine so who knows

with that being said I really need to figure out what i'm doing once AF comes...ugh!!!

mtpbadger · May 2017

@radmom I'm so sorry to hear

Even though you were prepared, it still sucks to get that phone call, no matter how many times we have heard it or are expecting it. Hopefully you were able to drink some (a lot of!) good wine last night! Do you have a meeting with your RE scheduled to figure out what your next steps might be? Hang in there, we are all here for you!

radmom27 · May 2017

@JamieH2000, @20T, @Hopeful_mom, @mtpbadger Thanks ladies as always for your support. I have a followup appointment with my RE tomorrow. I can honestly say that I have no idea what he's going to say or which direction I'm going next. That may be a first for me...
And I enjoyed my wine last night which turned into an ugly cry which I probably really needed. Feeling better today!

mtpbadger · May 2017

Keep us updated with what your RE says tomorrow. Sometimes we just need an ugly cry and they can be so cathartic. (My Dh always looks at my like I have two heads when I say sometimes I just need a good cry!). Glad you are doing better today - you are a strong, bada$$ woman!

JamieH2000 · May 2017

@radmom27- Please do let us know what they say. My guess is that they will say its up to you (as so much is in this process). I almost wish my RE had been able to provide distinct direction since these decisions are hard! I guess its just a matter of how much you want to go through financially, emotionally, and physically compared to the chance of success you think you may have. there is NO wrong answer here, and i just pray you can find the clarity you need for the next steps. It took me a few months and I'm glad I listened to my gut, even tho it was tell me something I didn't want to hear

You are so strong to have gone through everything you have already. And I totally agree with the ugly crying! It always happens to me in the car after a long day. Guess its a good place for a loud scream since no one can hear me haha.

JamieH2000 · May 2017

I posted this in the other thread too, but here is our latest:

We had a psych consult today (my clinic requires it before donor eggs), and it went super smoothly. I think the psychologist was a little surprised how we had already talked through everything and made our decision and seemed at peace and excited for the next steps. I'm glad me and DH are both on board fully and I feel so lucky to have him as a partner. While we are only 29, we have been together over 11 years (high school sweethearts), so we have already gone through alot in life together. As the psychologist said today, this is just going to be part of our story.
We picked out 3 donors from our clinic's database and all 3 are currently in cycle. for 2 of them, this is their first cycle, so i am ok with waiting a couple months since I don't want to be someone's first cycle just in case they don't respond great. So its looking like 2-3 months of waiting and paper work before we get going. Just praying so hard that this next journey goes smoother than the last year because I'm not sure I can make it through any more devastation.

mtpbadger · May 2017

@jamieh2000 that is awesome the psych appointment went well! For Surrogacy, we will also eventually have to do a psych eval, but not until after we end up matching and then it's with the GC/partner and us individually and then all together. I'm interested to see what questions will be asked! The donor process moves quickly! That is incredible you have already picked three and only a few more months of waiting potentially!

I'm with you on ugly crying in the car! I often wonder how crazy I look to other driver's or if they even notice.

I had a little bit of a downer moment over the weekend. DH went to a buddy's house to watch hockey playoffs and when he came home, told me that the friend and his wife (we are good friends with both) "pulled the goalie". They just got married in November and I got bummed as now I will most likely dread getting together with them in fear of them announcing they are pregnant. It also makes me sad as I remember those early days. Even though I've always known I would need help getting pregnant, I didn't realize THIS much help or THIS long. I've been pretty lucky during our IF journey, most of my good friends are either a little older and done having kids before we were even married or a few years younger and not married yet/thinking about kids, so haven't had to deal with too many of these situations.

JamieH2000 · May 2017

@mtpbadger- Yes I do feel fortunate it doesn't seem to be a long waiting list for the donors! Of course I know there can be delays or donors back out and stuff, but really hoping we don't have to go through that rollercoaster. If the donor is open to it, our clinic is willing to schedule a meeting with the donor and us. All 3 of our donors forms' said they were willing to meet, so i'm hoping thats an option. The GC process does seems so much longer and harder

but I guess the positive is you will have a genetic child at the end! I really hope if you do end up doing that, you will find the right match quickly too. Maybe your body will surprise you after a few months off though! Its so hard to hear when others start trying and then you dread hearing they are pregnant. Of course you don't want them to have problems.. but jealousy is just the worst feeling. I know you are taking a few months off, but whats the next steps for you once you decide on an agency?

mtpbadger · May 2017

The next steps once we decide on an agency is to submit our "match requirements" and then wait until a match is found. In the meantime, I will most likely try 1-2 more FETS (depending on how I respond) and then probably another retrieval and PGS testing so we would know only "good" embryos are being transferred. I believe that one a match is made and the contract complete, the process moves fairly quickly. I don't think DH and I will be TOO picky on our match requirements (race; religious background; location; etc.) so that might help us match more quickly. The lady we talked to a few weeks ago said location is the biggest hang up if someone is only willing to drive 2-4 hours. I'm fine with going as far as the Midwest - especially if the GC is in a state where I have family/friends, would just be able to go visit them while I'm seeing my future little one at doctor appointments!

Hopeful_mom · May 2017

mtpbadger JamieH2000 @radmom27- I'm just in Awe of all you ladies! Its amazing the strength, wisdom and great attitudes you have for the next part of the journey. There are so many options I don't know what my journey will be just yet. Hoping I will get some good news back this week, starting to get more nervous as the days go on. Also cause I did spot so AF will probably be here tomorrow and I have no clue what my next step is...

Hopeful_mom · May 2017

question for all....

AFM: My RE believes since I responded well last cycle she still thinks I should go with a regular IVF cycle or prep for an FET. I'm leaning towards another cycle, I wouldn't want to prep for an FET and then take a chance I have nothing to transfer. This whole process is such a struggle. I really wanted to have a few normies to work with before moving on to the next process. Its because of my age that it frieghtens me to move on

radmom27 · May 2017

@Hopeful_mom I think we may be in similar positions. The question at my appt today was to use two frozen untested embryos that I have, or unfreeze and PGS test them or to go through with another fresh cycle and hope that I may get one or two embryos to freeze from that. I've been going back and forth about what I should do, but at my age I'm thinking that I should try to get as many cycles done that I can in the time I have left before my eggs go really south.

I found out some slightly upsetting info today. At my transfer, my regular RE wasn't there and I had an RE I had never used before. I asked him about the grading/stage of my "early blasts" and he was VERY hedgy about giving me any info telling me that there really wasn't a grade and that they were "early", looked "eh" but "should be fine." Come to find out today, none of the embryos were blasts at all. One morula and two 8 cell embryos were transferred...meaning the two 8 cell embryos were about two days behind. When I asked why I wasn't told this information at the transfer, I was told that "they wanted me to be hopeful and believe this would work." I'm kind of aghast and feel that it was a very paternal way to handle the situation. I feel like I have the right to know my own medical information and I should have been part of the decision making process. I even questioned why they didn't just wait another day to see what happened to the morula...
My RE said it was better to transfer something than nothing at all because at least with the morula there was a remote chance of a pregnancy.
Sigh.
I'm not even sure how to feel about all of this at this point. I decided to power through and try one last fresh cycle hoping that maybe I get some better looking contenders. I made my RE agree that we would transfer at day 3 regardless of how good the embryos looked so we could avoid another situation like the one that just happened.

Hopeful_mom · May 2017

radmom27 I'm completely concerned and bothered by your update, how is it possible they would play with your emotions like that? Technically it does sound like your embabies were on track for a day 3 transfer though, so why do u think they were behind? I forget this is secondary infertility did you try long or need help for the first one? Did you get any answers on ur previous MC? It sucks that age truly is such a factor. For SOME its not and for others it is and it sucks that you dont know. I'm trying to be confident and happy that my eggs have made it to the blast test but to then come back abnormal but were strong enough to make it to freeze is just so frustrating and upsetting. Today was my UGLY cry day OMG my eyes are just so swollen...this all just takes a toll!! Sorry if I"m asking too many tough questions, I keep going over my MC and hope that I have tested everything I possible can in hopes that when I finally get to a transfer I can carry a healthy baby to full term!

radmom27 · May 2017

@Hopeful_mom You're still waiting to find out about your April batch, right? I'm hoping that you get some normies back. This whole thing is such an emotional rollercoaster.

I don't mind the questions at all. **TW** I had my kids in my early 20s with the help of Clomid which seemed like a big deal at the time but now Clomid seems like taking Tylenol or baby aspirin. I never really ovulated on my own and only got periods every couple of months. At the time I had my kids, I was 23 with both ovaries. Since, then I had one ovary and tube removed. We really couldn't afford to expand our family for a long time and by the time we were in the position to do it, I was 36 with one ovary. My current journey starts from there. **TW**

My RE admitted that they should have transferred on Day 3 and if they had the information about what my embryos would have looked like on Day 5, they would have done Day 3. Because my clinic doesn't look at the embryos at all between days 2 and 5, they didn't know that the embryos looked bad until transfer day and at transfer, "didn't want to let me down." I'm all for keeping hope alive, but after asking and asking they said they transferred three "early blasts." I'm just disturbed that none of them were blasts and that they told me that in the first place. DH was livid and thought we should consider filing an ethics complaint. I don't want to file a complaint but now I'm wondering if I need to switch clinics again, which, with my time constraints and age, I'm not sure I can justify doing.

My RE is also adamant that my eggs are bad. I acknowledge that I'm sure my eggs have issues, but TW** I did have a genetically normal pregnancy that ended in MC exactly two years ago. TW** I find it hard to believe that there's zero normal eggs left in my one ovary. Grrr.

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