Second baby shower.

angeladowns1 · April 2017

Okay ladies, what's the etiquette on this? I feel slightly uncomfortable about having a second same-sex shower 3 years after my first, but everyone I've talked to thinks it's totally normal to have one. My mom and best friend are already acting like they're planning one.

I've always thought it was a little tacky, but is it more normal now?

wyomama0427 · April 2017

I think the consensus is that it's tacky.

labby18 · April 2017

@angeladowns1

I am pretty sure this topic has been discussed many of times in the threads. A simple search would definitely answer this question. Also, the consensus has been that yes, a 2nd shower is a bit tacky, if you aren't in the mood for the tedious task of searching.

eta:

klcarr19 · April 2017

You know I think it's more normalized now... but I already told my parents that I want nothing to do with a shower. To me it would be uncomfortable.

Ae_Lovely321 · April 2017

I believe @labby18 is right about it being in previous threads. I'm not a STM, but I feel like if someone is really wanting to throw you one go for it.

Souptin · April 2017

It's tacky and gift grabby. Even if that's not the intention that's exactly how it looks. By all means have a party but don't call it a shower and make it very clear it's a no gifts event.

labby18 · April 2017

Souptin said:

It's tacky and gift grabby. Even if that's not the intention that's exactly how it looks. By all means have a party but don't call it a shower and make it very clear it's a no gifts event.

Image: https://m.popkey.co/4127ad/DeYwq.gif

lap018 · April 2017

I have a 19 month old little boy and we are having a girl. So yeah we have most of the things we will need for a baby. I mean yes diapers wipes and clothes would be great since we currently have none but I won't be having a sprinkle or shower. We are having a no gifts brunch just to hang out and celebrate the baby. I would do a sip and see but it sounds awful to me to pass my teeny tiny baby around at the beginning of cold and flu season. People will bring stuff if they want to but I'm not expecting anything

MyNamesTaken · April 2017

That's side-eyed in my circle too. Showers are for the first baby since that's when you're being welcomed into parenthood. If you have a meet the baby party after or even just a bbq before baby comes, people may still bring gifts but the party doesn't scream "give me stuff!" I give a gift for every baby my friends have, but would feel very awkward being asked to go to a second+ shower.

sarahufl · April 2017

Tacky

jessieR358 · April 2017

Just have your mom and best friend buy you the gifts without a party. It's considered tacky here.

mamagabby-2 · April 2017

I think it's tacky, unless babies are very spread out or maybe if you're having multiples the second time.
I told my mom what I thought and she looked at me like I'm crazy

msashley2010-2 · April 2017

Etiquette wise, it is considered tacky.

With that being said, SO's family is adamant about having at least a get together because it'll be the first grandchild in the family in 25 years, and it'll be the first boy of this generation.

We are probably just going to have a BBQ with adult beverages and ask for people not to bring gifts. (But that probably won't stop them lol)

mrs_tacos · April 2017

Here a sprinkle with diapers and maybe some clothes is only done for a second baby if that baby is a different sex from the first, and even then it's small, just family and very closest friends. A big shower for a second baby, regardless of sex, is considered tacky.

msashley2010-2 · April 2017

Me and SO had a bit of a debate about this. HE really wants to have a full blown shower because it's his first child. I explained about how baby showers are supposed to welcome new moms to motherhood, etc etc. And he basically said that's a bunch of crap because he wants to welcomed into fatherhood and have all of those experiences too because he's never had them before. DD is also almost 9 and we are having a son. I think he feels it is ungrateful for me to shrug off a shower if his family wants to have one because he's the last of his siblings to have any children.

Our compromise was the cookout. :P

wyomama0427 · April 2017

Msashley2010 said:

Me and SO had a bit of a debate about this. HE really wants to have a full blown shower because it's his first child. I explained about how baby showers are supposed to welcome new moms to motherhood, etc etc. And he basically said that's a bunch of crap because he wants to welcomed into fatherhood and have all of those experiences too because he's never had them before. DD is also almost 9 and we are having a son. I think he feels it is ungrateful for me to shrug off a shower if his family wants to have one because he's the last of his siblings to have any children.

Our compromise was the cookout. :P

I've actually heard of dads having diaper parties for this reason, to welcome the guy into fatherhood. Everyone brings diapers and beer! But the cookout sounds fun too

I didn't get a shower with my first, my sister said she'd throw me one and then it never happened. Not gonna have one for this baby because we bought ourselves everything we needed, with the exception of the crib which my dad wanted to buy us, and brought with him and my mom up to the hospital when we had DS. So as we're going home from the hospital, DH and my dad were loading the crib into the truck too. Lol. Also we have a hand me down changing table and rocking chair (both were kind of just the people wanting to get rid of stuff and us just happening to be pregnant at the time so we were given their throw aways)... Everything else we bought ourselves.

jessieR358 · April 2017

Msashley2010 said:

Me and SO had a bit of a debate about this. HE really wants to have a full blown shower because it's his first child. I explained about how baby showers are supposed to welcome new moms to motherhood, etc etc. And he basically said that's a bunch of crap because he wants to welcomed into fatherhood and have all of those experiences too because he's never had them before. DD is also almost 9 and we are having a son. I think he feels it is ungrateful for me to shrug off a shower if his family wants to have one because he's the last of his siblings to have any children.

Our compromise was the cookout. :P

I think that's a tad crazy of your SO. No one is throwing baby showers for the dads. If your SO's friends want to throw him a shower into fatherhood then they can. Also, I would take offense to the fact that you have a 9 year old. Is he not a father figure to your child? he needs diapers and a party to be a father? Sorry, maybe I'm reading way into this, but this sounds immature.

wyomama0427 · April 2017

jessieR358 said:

Msashley2010 said:

Me and SO had a bit of a debate about this. HE really wants to have a full blown shower because it's his first child. I explained about how baby showers are supposed to welcome new moms to motherhood, etc etc. And he basically said that's a bunch of crap because he wants to welcomed into fatherhood and have all of those experiences too because he's never had them before. DD is also almost 9 and we are having a son. I think he feels it is ungrateful for me to shrug off a shower if his family wants to have one because he's the last of his siblings to have any children.

Our compromise was the cookout. :P

I think that's a tad crazy of your SO. No one is throwing baby showers for the dads. If your SO's friends want to throw him a shower into fatherhood then they can. Also, I would take offense to the fact that you have a 9 year old. Is he not a father figure to your child? he needs diapers and a party to be a father? Sorry, maybe I'm reading way into this, but this sounds immature.

I see where you're coming from about him being a father figure to their daughter, but also I can kind of see how he might feel a little different because this whole part is different/new.

JNR6510 · April 2017

Definitely tacky and makes you look gift grabby to have a shower for a second kid, especially when they are the same sex. There are plenty of good non-shower suggestions PPs have mentioned.

jena333-2 · April 2017

jessieR358 said:

*Snip*

I think that's a tad crazy of your SO. No one is throwing baby showers for the dads. If your SO's friends want to throw him a shower into fatherhood then they can. Also, I would take offense to the fact that you have a 9 year old. Is he not a father figure to your child? he needs diapers and a party to be a father? Sorry, maybe I'm reading way into this, but this sounds immature.

I think the idea of a baby shower being "just for mom" is getting out dated. Sorry, but to me this smacks of sexism and gender inequality. that the mother the sole care taker, and dad is just around. Do gay couples not get baby showers when there are two dads, because "no one is throwing showers for dads?"

@Msashley2010
I think it's sweet that he wants this experience. Given the large age gap between the two kids, and the fact that his family WANTS to do this, I think the BBQ is an awesome compromise.

iheartichi · April 2017

What do y'all think about giving a shower for my friend? She and her now husband are expecting. It's both of their second marriages, and they each have a child from their previous marriages, but they're older children. They just don't have baby stuff anymore.

mrs_tacos · April 2017

jena333-2 said:

jessieR358 said:

*Snip*

I think that's a tad crazy of your SO. No one is throwing baby showers for the dads. If your SO's friends want to throw him a shower into fatherhood then they can. Also, I would take offense to the fact that you have a 9 year old. Is he not a father figure to your child? he needs diapers and a party to be a father? Sorry, maybe I'm reading way into this, but this sounds immature.

I think the idea of a baby shower being "just for mom" is getting out dated. Sorry, but to me this smacks of sexism and gender inequality. that the mother the sole care taker, and dad is just around. Do gay couples not get baby showers when there are two dads, because "no one is throwing showers for dads?"

@Msashley2010
I think it's sweet that he wants this experience. Given the large age gap between the two kids, and the fact that his family WANTS to do this, I think the BBQ is an awesome compromise.

I agree with the bolded. We may very well have a unisex shower, because Dh deserves to enjoy celebrating our baby just as much as I do. Plus, several of his friends have asked to come, and I think it's really sweet.

jessieR358 · April 2017

I guess where I'm from they are still very much only Moms. My DH could have cared less about opening gifts and doing little games at the shower, but he was very much excited about the baby. I don't see this as sexist. Even if this were a co-ed shower, the focus would still be on the mom. I guess this should go in the UO thread...

jena333-2 · April 2017

I'm not down for little games, that is just not something I would be interested in. Which is why I straight up told my best friend I would rather do a co ed baby-que instead when she started asking to throw the shower.

DPandMB · April 2017

jena333-2 said:

I'm not down for little games, that is just not something I would be interested in. Which is why I straight up told my best friend I would rather do a co ed baby-que instead when she started asking to throw the shower.

This is exactly what I did with my shower. I told my sister I wanted co-ed and wanted ZERO games. Some of my closet friends are guys and I also wanted DH to be able to enjoy our friends and opening the fun gifts. It turned out nice.

msashley2010-2 · April 2017

jessieR358 said: I think that's a tad crazy of your SO. No one is throwing baby showers for the dads. If your SO's friends want to throw him a shower into fatherhood then they can. Also, I would take offense to the fact that you have a 9 year old. Is he not a father figure to your child? he needs diapers and a party to be a father? Sorry, maybe I'm reading way into this, but this sounds immature.

First of all, I do not feel my SO is immature or crazy at all. Yes, as a matter of fact, he IS a father figure to my daughter, but he came into her life when she was 5 years old and has stepped up and became the father she deserves. He is also through the roof excited about having his first baby. Should fathers not also want to celebrate becoming a daddy for the very first time? And I think you missed the part where I mentioned that his whole entire family wants to do this because he is the only one of his siblings that does not have children (the youngest niece of his is 25) and it will also be the very first baby boy in the family. His family is so excited about it.

So we will be supplying alcohol and bbq to his friends and family and they will have a chance to celebrate the baby. I live hours away from home so the only people that will be attending is his family and friends and not mine. I don't think that they should be excluded from celebrating the baby just because I've already been there and done that.

wyomama0427 · April 2017

@Msashley2010 damn girl. Serious heart eyes for you right now.

wineren · April 2017

I have a 13 year old stepson who I ADORE. He lives with us the majority of the time and I'm definitely his parent. It's a bit different as his mom is in the picture. But he's my child too. That said, I still consider myself a FTM. @Msashley2010 I totally get where your DH and his family are coming from. My dad is Z's Grandpa Chris, but this LO is his first grandbaby. I'm glad you guys are doing the BBQ.
@jena333-2 Totally agree with the gender inequality and the not really being into games. My friend who is throwing ours is going to basically have one thing which is having a bunch of white onesies with fabric markers for people to decorate over the course of the party which I'm totally down with. I'm glad to have my DH there to celebrate with me too.

tfrangul · April 2017

Ok so I have a question about this as well. I live in Iowa and have moved around a bit. No matter where I go it doesn't matter how many kids you have people want to have a party....So my question is, could it possibly depend on where you live as far as etiquette is concerned? I honestly had no idea this was a thing until I got pregnant with my son and joined the bump in 2015. People around here LOVE parties! Any excuse to have food and time together they jump on it! The first thing one of my girlfriend's said was, we have to have a party so let me know if any one else is going to give you one or not..... Idk I could be way off but around here it's the norm really.

Swazzle · April 2017

@tfrangul If someone is determined to throw you a party then they're probably going to throw you a party. It's the gift part that's considered tacky. Tell the host a get together to celebrate will be nice but you don't want/need gifts.

MyNamesTaken · April 2017

@tfrangul Parties are cool. Just don't call it a shower and don't register. Then it's a celebration and not focused on gifts. It's not the party people have trouble with, it's the expectation of gifts which is what's implied by calling it a shower.

msashley2010-2 · April 2017

@wyomama0427

right back at you!

@tfrangul I think having a party for additional babies is okay. I think perhaps it may depend on the area as far as showers are concerned. A celebration without asking for gifts I think is completely okay.

ColoradoHiker · April 2017

We're going to have a small BBQ, with immediate family and very close friends only. No presents. I actually signed up for a registry this time, but it's only for personal use. Aka, I want the completion discount for anything big we might want, like if we decide to get a double stroller. Nobody but DH and I will see it, so I'm fine with it. I'm sure our parents will get us some cute outfits, etc, but if it's another boy (a/s on Tuesday!!!), we're already set. DS was born N15, so most of the outfits will work fine for S17 as well.

angeladowns1 · April 2017

Thanks ladies! I know I have seen a couple comments here and there about this topic, but I wanted to see a broader spectrum with ladies from different areas and circumstances. My intention was not to piss anyone off, FYI.

That being said, it makes me relieved to see the input agrees with what I was leaning towards. Thank you for the suggestions for alternatives, too! I think a BBQ with no gifting pressure could be great. I still definitely want to celebrate this baby, and I think that could be a good balance.

tfrangul · April 2017

I agree with the cookout idea! I love hosting and having family over and my husband is pretty darn good on the grill! We legitimately don't need anything for this baby but diapers and wipes and kept every piece of baby stuff with our son so the only thing I really need is clothes since we are having a girl but my sister just had a girl last month so really we are set. So I am all for a close friends and family celebration with lots of delicious food!

lilpoots · April 2017

When it comes to showers for a second+ child(children) it is considered tacky. Some people do what's called a sprinkle, but I'm not sure how that's really any different. If your family or friends want to throw you a shower, it's your choice to accept or not. Know that some people are going to judge you and it could make some people who are invited feel like you're using them for gifts. I definitely wouldn't publicize a registry and I don't think my host did that for my bridal shower or baby shower.

@Msashley2010 I love the idea of your husband having a shower/celebration to welcome him to fatherhood. Co-ed showers in my area have gained popularity in the last few years. Also agree with @jena333-2 about families not all being the hetero-norm. I wish the bump was more welcoming to the non traditional.

jena333-2 · April 2017

This may be an UO, but I personally wouldn't side eye STM+ with a registry. I think (if I were the STM) I would love to have a BBQ ish party, and just not ever mention the registry. But it would be there for people who really wanted to bring something. Key here being: to not mention the registry and make it clear it's just a get together.

I've only been to two showers in my life. One was a full blown shower for a STM (different sex and kids were 4 years apart) and didn't find it tacky. The other was an at work thing for a coworker... Who sent out a group email TY which I side eyed the shit out of.

@iheartichi your post got overlooked, sorry about that. I think it's nice that you want to do this for them, but personally I would lean more towards the above scenario: a casual get together/celebration, where people can bring stuff if they choose to. And then NOT make gift opening a part of the celebration

ETA: I may not have found my STM shower tacky because 1) I didn't have any knowledge of their etiquette and 2) she's a very good friend, I was excited for her, and it was also her birthday

klcarr19 · April 2017

I made a registry for my second kiddo... mainly because I have a July birthday and so when people ask what I want for my birthday (mom and dad specifically) or for mother's day then I will just send them the link. I'd rather get gifts for baby rather than me

but I refuse to have another shower... I am so awkward when people stare at me opening gifts... I just refuse to do it again.

kaylaakosua · April 2017

Can I ask a question? FWIW I'm not having a shower or anything, I do have a registry to keep track of things for FI and I.
Buuuuuttt
I've been to many showers and never thought the new Mom was doing it for gifts, I've also only been to showers of people I'm close with and was going to get them something regardless. The people I had at my shower were all close family and friends but never got anything but diapers and outfits as well as the occasional bath gift set and stroller toy ($20-$50 gift prices). I thought showers were mainly for showering new Mom with love, advice and to feel welcomed into Motherhood and for that reason I find 2nd showers are tacky. I guess my question is are the gifts suppose to be the main focus? and how much are you suppose to spend on a friends/co-workers/acquaintance shower gift?

Becky012016 · April 2017

@kaylaakosua at a shower gifts are expected. Any amount you're comfortable with and can afford is completely fine whether that's $5 or $100.

DaphneMoon1 · April 2017

Tacky.

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