Unsolicited Pregnancy Advice - The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

Tourmalily · April 2017

I just got my first piece of totally unsolicited bad pregnancy advice, and a good friend who has a toddler chuckled and told me "Just wait. They'll ALL come out of the woodwork soon enough."

So since that's something to look forward to, what are YOUR experiences with unsolicited pregnancy advice? Was it just completely off the mark? Surprisingly useful? Hilariously bad? This is the place for it! Bonus points if it was some rando in the grocery store or a teenaged relative-of-a-friend on FB letting you in on some super secret pregnancy wisdom you surely could not have acquired from your doctor. Extra bonus points if someone has ever given you pregnancy advice when you were NOT pregnant and/or not even actively trying to get pregnant.

kaitlinliz · April 2017

Mines not so much pregnancy advice more as not pregnancy advice lol. I've wanted kids for a few years now (DH and I have been together for 5 years and married for 2.5) I got told to wait to have kids because I'm gonna miss sleeping in (don't do that), My freedom (what?), miss going out (don't do that, we don't go out partying, drinking, etc). Told to wait til after my niece and nephew were a year old (excuse me?) Told me everything has to happen in order: settled down, had amazing jobs and bought a house (really now?)

Since when is having a baby have anything to do with perfect timing? If I waited for all that, there would never be babies! Now my niece and nephew are over a year old, but we didn't WAIT for that. My husband has a great job, I have one in my field for OK pay but we knew that was gonna happen - my field doesn't pay much. And we're in the process of buying a house. But because we haven't accomplished all of this we're not ready .....oh and DH has been military for years - he just got out, so everyone's been very adamant about us waiting now....go away!

jess0211 · April 2017

I think what gas annoyed me the most and this has come from people who knew we were ttc but don't necessarily know we are pregnant yet, but telling me how I will feel about things when I am pregnant or when my kid is born. Just because YOU felt a certain way doesn't mean I will. I also have a friend who last has kids like 20 yrs ago and her advice is usually super antiquated and based on outdated traditions (ie women staying home and not going back to work).

Tourmalily · April 2017

@jess0211 hey now, women are a HIVE MIND, doncha know. And all women feel exactly the same about their pregnancies and children and their role as Mother-Wives.

jess0211 · April 2017

@Tourmalily oh right, silly me, I forgot

emucoleman · April 2017

In my third trimester, I had a really hard time sleeping. Sometimes when I told people about it, they would say, "Enjoy your sleep now--you won't get any after the baby is born!" First of all, I CAN'T ENJOY IT NOW, that's what I'm trying to tell you. And then the idea that it wouldn't get any better after the baby is born made me feel like I wouldn't sleep for the rest of my life, which just made me want to cry.
P.S. To FTMs: Yes, it's true, you won't get a whole lot of sleep right after the baby is born, but it will keep getting better. My daughter slept through the night (about 8 hours) at 2 1/2 months old. Don't listen to the people who say "you'll never sleep again!"

kaitieb14 · April 2017

I'm soooo done with being told that I need to just power through the sickness and exhaustion and just be normal. Nothing is normal right now, I'm so sick and sooooooooo tired all the time I cannot be my normal self. "Power through" or "stop making such a big deal about it" is the most annoying BS ever right now.

Tourmalily · April 2017

@emucoleman I always thought that was such a mean-spirited thing to say. Like, instead of acknowledging that parenting is hard and there are ups and downs, I feel like some people try to make it sound as f***ing horrible as possible and then follow that up with "BUT IT'S ALLLLLLLL WORTH IT". And I just feel like that's just a really mean thing to say, especially since you don't know who might wind up suffering PPD and not actually believing "it's worth it" because of hormonal disruptions. Why can't we just be supportive of each other and have empathy for new parents, rather than have this weird hazing ritual we do??

hedgepig · April 2017

Confession: I was probably the super annoying little sister giving unsolicited advice to my sisters about their kids (although, at least sometimes it was asked for).
What really drove me crazy was my sister would always tell DH and I (super condescendingly), "just wait, you'll see when you have your own" like it was some kind of excuse for why her kids were behaving badly.

emucoleman · April 2017

@Tourmalily Seriously!! You definitely summed it up. And people always cackle like it's some hilarious joke...when to the poor mom-to-be it sounds like she's about to get thrust into the fiery depths of hell. I think people forget how difficult and emotional moms can be during pregnancy and postpartum--they just need love and understanding, not sarcasm.

DuchessOfCambridge · April 2017

Only one person at the baby shower I'm going to today knows I'm pregnant so I won't get any advice but I'll be sure to take notes on what is being said to the mom-to-be and report back

TallMomma29 · April 2017

I make it a point to never say "just you wait" because I remember how annoying it was when I was an expecting mom, but on the flip side... it is really hard sometimes as a STM+ when you hear expectant parents saying the exact same things you said before you had kids, or you feel like people who haven't had kids yet are judging your parenting decisions. I just think in my head "YOU HAVE NO IDEA!" and let it slide though because I don't really care what anyone thinks of my parenting decisions, and they'll find out soon enough without the condescending-sounding commentary from me!

hopeful87-2 · April 2017

My sister actually gave me the only advice I love and repeat often "everybody is different, every body is different" . This was super helpful when during my first labor I really wanted to know what to expect and what was "normal" and I ended up not being a "typical first time mom" (baby came early and labor was really fast).
The other advice I liked from my sister was "you don't have to be ready parent a ----(toddler... Fill in the blank with whatever age/future worry you have...) you just have to be ready to be a --- (first trimester pregnant lady...filll in the blank for wherever you are currently at).

Of of course I got plenty of weird/totally unhelpful advice but I just try to ignore it!

oh yeah, my cousin with 4 under 5 (including twins!) gave me great advice about travel -- buy them their own seat after 18 months and "once you have kids you don't take family vacations, you take family trips (bc it's still a lot of work!) managing expectations is the key to happiness". I repeat these mantras to myself often!

cmessamore · April 2017

@TallMomma29 I totally agree! I hated when people said "oh just wait", but now it's so hard not to say when people who don't have kids start getting all judgey about things!

The biggest issue I have had is that we have been open about being TTC since DS3 was born. And I hate how many people have told me how we shouldn't have more kids because of things like "they're expensive" (we have 5, you don't think we know this already) or "kids take up so much time" (yup, time that I cherish with them next?).

I have 2 DS's from a previous relationship and my husband has 1 DS and 1DD from a previous relationship. We then had 1 DS together, so I have 3DS's. In all seriousness, I'd LOVE to have a DD, but if God blesses me with another DS, I will still be excited for the new addition to our family. When we were TTC, people assumed I was only having another to have a girl, and they were constantly giving us advice on what positions to use to try to give us a girl!!! First of all, please never comment on the positions DH and I are using for anything. Second, I love being a Boymom and they make it sound like you have to have both genders of kids or your life is ruined.

hopeful87-2 · April 2017

@cmessamore My cousin that has 4 DDs posted this article about having kids of all the same gender. I know you have DD from your H but thought it might resonate with what you were saying above. https://community.today.com/parentingteam/post/yes-all-of-my-kids-are-the-same-gender-what-i-wish-you-knew

Regardless of of their gender, you love your kiddos and they are still individuals!

gipfish · April 2017

The one I got most often with my first, both while pregnant and after she was born, was, "Appreciate her now while she is young." I was going to just put her in the attic for a few years until she's not young anymore, but I suppose I could try to enjoy the child I chose to have. *eyeroll*

I also hate the "sleep now while you can" advice. First of all, sleep doesn't work like that. Second of all, as this advice usually comes in the third trimester, "now" is actually when I can't sleep. You try sleeping with a bowling ball in your stomach, really bad heartburn, Braxton Hicks contractions, and having to pee every 45 minutes all night long. Personally, the little bursts of sleep that I was able to get while DD was still eating every 2-3 hours around the clock were actually much deeper and sounder than third trimester pregnancy sleep.

QTAMum3 · April 2017

There was a newborn crying at breakfast this morning and my ILs said "you better get used to that sound"....umm thanks? Because I don't already have 3 kids. *eyeroll*

kaitlinliz · April 2017

@emucoleman I had a friend say the same thing (and she doesn't even kno!) I mentioned how I'm exhausted cuz I never sleep anymore - I don't sleep well anyway but I just started working full time after being without work for 2.5 months and all she said was "well then don't have kids if you wanna sleep"...but her first kid slept 8-10 hours from day one so I didn't wanna hear it. It made me wanna punch her.

DHs coworker has 5 kids and mentioned how expensive they are and how it's not easy work. Then mentioned he had to continue to work to put them through college and to only have 1 because they're just SO expensive. Um dude you have 5, don't tell me what I can and can't afford! And then mentioned the college they're all going to is $120k A YEAR. Sorry child but if you wanna go to that school you better get scholarships cuz momma is NOT paying that.

I've also been told numerous times to only have 2 because once you're outnumbered it's terrible. Both DH and I are the youngest of 3. I want 3-4, he wants 2-3 so we'll probably have 3 lol. But don't tell me how many children to have because you feel like its too many.

rachelb51212 · April 2017

Once my DS hit a year, everyone kept saying "time for another one!" As someone who has had 2 m/c, this comment is terrible. What if I had gotten pregnant and then miscarried (which I did after DS)? What if we didn't want kids so close together? What if we had financial trouble and couldn't afford another kid right now? People should never comment on a couple's need to have children at any stage. Also, I feel like since I've already had a boy, everyone expects me to have a girl next. Yes, I would like a girl, but I'll be equally happy with a boy. As long as they're healthy. But I feel like I'm going to let down my family and DH's family if we have another boy.

2Dash · April 2017

This was actually good advice I got from a friend who had a baby a year before me. She said "forgive eachother in the morning for what happens at night". I had no idea what she meant but yeah getting up in the middle of the night when you really don't want to sometimes makes you grouchy or swear or get in petty fights. It was good advice.

cmessamore · April 2017

@2Dash that is definitely good advice!!

2Dash · April 2017

And one I hate and that will make me crazy and I know will happen. People are going to say (including my mom) that they hope this baby is a girl because I have two boys. Or they will assume we are having a third to try for a girl. That is not the case. I actually have always wanted three boys and I have boy everything so that would make things easier. Not that I would be upset with a girl. Just that we decided to have a third because we want three not becauae we want a boy or a girl.

slaven · April 2017

@kaitlinliz Uggg I hate the whole "perfect timing" thing. I'll admit, DH and I thought that way ourselves when we first got married but realistically we just needed a year or so to be married and that was our own choice. I hated it when our parents talked about us waiting a few years. We started TTC after 18 months but we were just over 2 years married once we got the BFP. We realized with his military career there will never be a perfect time. Also I'm one of 4 and want 3-4, DH is one of 3 and wants 2-3 so it'll probably be 3 for us too (as much as you can plan I suppose)

@jess0211 I told my dad and his gf that I haven't had any MS and she's adamant that it doesn't start until the 2nd tri and that I'll get it....and of course she has a magical cure for it.

hopeful87-2 · April 2017

I got similar helpful advice as @2dash. My friend said "anything said between 10pm and 4am doesn't count"... Ha, but I was really crabby so we had to throw that rule out
the window or else I would have been ruthless!

...meanwhile, we just told my Inlaws we are pregnant and my mother in law (who is actually a very nice normal person) said "we knew it from recent pictures you posted and the look of the dark circles under your eyes"..... Uhm, thank you??

cmessamore · April 2017

@hopeful87-2 that's so rude! I hate when people are like "oh, you look tired." Or "are you sick?" Why don't you just come right out and say "you look like crap, just thought you'd love me to point it out to you!"

bklynchica · April 2017

@rachelb51212 If anyone actually acts as if you've disappointed them with the sex of your baby, just remind them that the sperm determines sex and to be disappointed with the father instead. Or just tell them to F off

kissthesky32 · April 2017

I can't with the people who tell me what I should/shouldn't eat while pregnant. I was at a wedding with one of my other pregnancies and the apps were all raw seafood. I avoided that, but was starved when dinner finally came. It was crab cakes and medium steak. A friend at my table was like, "I guess you just have to eat all dessert! You can't have any of that!" I promptly housed the entire plate. I'm fine eating both of those things while pregnant. And I'm pretty sure eating dinner is a heck of a lot better for me and for baby than just stuffing my face with dessert.

bklynchica · April 2017

Why not crab cakes? My colleague is 24 weeks and I've witnessed another colleague who doesn't have children shame her for drinking coffee. I straight up said she's allowed to have coffee and don't do that. I will not tolerate that shit.

kissthesky32 · April 2017

@bklynchica No idea. She doesn't like seafood, so I'm guessing she didn't pay attention to the limiting high mercury fish part, and just heard no fish. Even if it was swordfish, still better than eating 20 cupcakes as my meal.

Tourmalily · April 2017

WTF? There's...nothing wrong with crab cakes as far as I know OR medium steak. You don't need to eat shoe leather. People need to STFU.

cmessamore · April 2017

I agree 100% with @Tourmalily

bcashaw · April 2017

My friend the other day greeted me with " you look like shit , I told you pregnancy was horrible" Um. Thanks?
Also my mom the other day told me that my morning sickness was all mind over matter and I should start thinking of it differently then it won't be so bad. This from the woman who NEVER gets period cramps or had morning sickness. Ever.
I have another friend who recently had a baby and when I told her I was pregnant (She knows we have been TTC for 3 years) she said " omg imso sorry for you, I know you're probably excited, but pregnancy is so bad and you're going to hate it" Not the reaction I was looking for
One of the children's aid workers I see with my foster daughter told me the other day that I'm definitely having a girl because girls take your beauty and boys give you strength. So basically I look really ugly so she thinks I'm having a girl. So kind.
@gipfish " appreciate it while their young" remind me of that song early days- by old man ludecke . Have you heard it? TEARS.
@kaitlinliz if one more person uses the phrase "bad timing" to describe my child again I'm gonna lose it.
@2Dash I've heard people say things like "qre you gonna try for a girl/boy now?" To my friends with kids and I honestly want to slap them. Lol

kaitlinliz · April 2017

@slaven exactly! I mean this is probably the worst time for us to get pregnant as we're in the process of getting new insurance. DH just got out of the military and neither of our benefits from our new jobs have kicked in yet. But his will by the time I'm 12 weeks so it works out fine for us, just scary if something happens before then. But that doesn't make me think this is wrong or shouldn't have happened. I'm over the moon excited about it and we will make it work. It's no ones business but ours. Of course he listens to everyone and goes "see this is why we need to wait" um nooooo...he was shocked but is definitely excited/getting used to the idea, helped me pick out items to tell our parents with today too.

kaitlinliz · April 2017

@bcashaw slap them all! Babies come when they're supposed to. I've been off the pill for 6 months now...it happened between 4-5 months of "trying". I say it like that cuz I was charting everything - Dr wanted me to because I've had medical issues which is why I was on the pill in the first place. DH wasn't ready so it was up to him if he didn't want it to happen (definitely didn't try too hard to stop it lol) so I will say I was pleasantly surprised that it happened "so fast". It felt like a lifetime for me but 5 months is rather quick and I was definitely shocked..I was so sure it was gonna take us forever.

Tourmalily · April 2017

My MIL did the same thing to us about our timing. We weren't even going to tell her originally until we couldn't hide the pregnancy anymore, lol. But we decided to just get it over with, so my husband took it on himself to tell her. He was so worried I'd get upset, but w/e, she has no power to influence how I feel about being pregnant.

Now she's all bent out of shape that we aren't finding out the sex. OMG woman, just STAHP.

bcashaw · April 2017

@Tourmalily MILs are the worst. Mine is (thankfully) refusing to speak to me since she found out we are pregnant. Especially since she specifically told me not to get pregnant (when we were already pregnant but not ready to tell)

ArtificialRed · April 2017

I have one friend who likes to remind me how I used to want five children. That's frustrating because in some ways I do still love the idea of a big family. But turns out I have anxiety and depression and those pregnancy hormone changes absolutely suck. Gee, should've just avoided those dang mental problems so I could have more bio kids.

My best piece of advice with DS was to set aside the money for a lactation consultant (certified, ibclc) home visit. Plan on spending that, even though it may feel like a lot of money. Getting nursing sorted out for us saved us so, so much more money than paying the LC.

megankth · April 2017

Some of y'all may disagree..but I can't stand when people ask "was this pregnancy planned?" It's like that's not of your bussines regardless of what my answer is. Why do people think it's ok to ask this? Whether or not my DS or this little one was planned or not does not take away the fact that a baby is a miracle and a gift from God.

Karrotelle · April 2017

I'll take obnoxious pregnancy tips any day over unsolicited new baby advice from people. I'm having my third and it doesn't get any easier to tolerate lol I still want to throat punch people who do it. My toddler has a shirt that I made that says "My Mama doesn't want your advice!". My MIL hates it. So I made my older kid one too lol

kaitlinliz · April 2017

@megankth I can't stand that either! So far no one knows so they can't ask but I'm pretty sure his family will ask. My mom asked my best friend (it's a long story with that one) and if it was anyone else I would have been offended for her but given her circumstances we needed to know. She says it wasn't planned but I feel differently about it. Anyway, ours was. We weren't expecting it to happen so quickly, but I was charting and testing because I have medical issues and while I'm not "old" I'm older than where I'd like to have started especially with all my problems. So I'll be very angry if anyone asks. I kno they will because DH was very open about not wanting any yet (I think it's his way of putting up a front for people, cuz he's very excited now)

Sorry for the book.

bcashaw · April 2017

@megankth that's the worst, or when you tell someone and they go "whoops! Well, you'll love them anyways" like, you have NO CLUE

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