Really Struggling Right Now

MrsBunz · March 2017

I was okay for 3 days, but now I am struggling.

DH and I have been trying for #2 since October. He is active duty military, and had to deploy when DS was 10 weeks old, so we didn't want to do that again. We had TTC worked out so that I was pregnant while he was deployed, and then he would return was I was 5-8 months along, be here for delivery and most of the first year. Month after month, nothing, I'd get my period, be sad, and we start again. Then at the beginning of this month, on deployment day, I got a BFP! I was so excited. It meant going through the 1st trimester and most the 2nd trimester alone, but at least it happened. Then last weekend I had cramping that got increasingly worse. I assumed RLP, but went to the ER, to make myself feel better. To my complete disbelief, a UPT was negative, my HCG was only 10.6 (I should have been at 4+5), and the u/s showed an empty uterus. I was devastated. Monday brown discharge started. Not a huge amount, but enough to make me think it is a MMC. It sucks. DH won't be home until sometime in July, so not only am I going through it alone, but we can't even jump back on the TTC train immediately.

I know that it most likely meant something was wrong with the baby, that maybe this took a very hard decision later down the road, out of my hands. And I wasn't that far along, so maybe I shouldn't be this sad. And I still have a beautiful 18 mo son at home, so I know I can have a healthy pregnancy and baby, and since there are those of you have haven't been able to have any take home babies, maybe I'm being selfish. I feel guilty. I didn't cut all caffeine, because I felt it needed to help take care of DS without DH. I feel like I failed. That maybe I did something, or ate something, or didn't do something that would have changed the outcome.

I am also feeling really mean, because I have so many pregnant friends right now, and I can't bare to be around them. I don't know if I will be able to go to their showers without breaking down. One of my best friends and I had the same plan, we told each other we were expecting on the same day, and our EDD were within 2 weeks of each other. I am so happy for her, this is their first, and her DH is also deployed. I should have been able to be a huge resource for her, but now, the thought of watching her belly grow while mine does not, breaks my heart. I have been avoiding her. I feel like an awful friend.

JESSABER0414 · March 2017

It was not your fault! I'm so sorry you have to go through it alone.
I'm in the same boat with people close to you pregnant, so be easy on yourself. I have a pregnant sisterinlaw that got pregnant accidentally, told me the same day we told her (Except i was TTC for 25 months, first bfp in my life and from ivf) so she kind of stole my thunder. .then I miscarried 5w3d and she's still trucking along. I haven't seen her since and I'm cool with it for now.

babypi · March 2017

@MrsBunz I'm very sorry for your loss. I have a 15 month old DD but we have been trying for #2 since July/August. We had a MMC at 10 weeks in December and are still trying to conceive after loss before my husband leaves soon on deployment for about 6 months. I don't know what I would have done if he was gone during our loss in December, so I imagine this is an incredibly hard time for you right now. I also have two friends due the same week I was who are doing great with their pregnancies. It's such a painful reminder of what we lost. Don't feel guilty about needing to take care of yourself. Many hugs! Feel free to PM me if you'd like, I don't think there are very many active duty spouses on these boards.

rainbowwishes5 · March 2017

I am so sorry for your loss! Not your fault!! Have you ever seen "16 & pregnant?" Because let me tell you a little caffeine didn't cause this. And you aren't a bad friend! You are in deep grief and mourning and you need to take care of you right now. Give yourself Time.

justsuzie · March 2017

Take your time to grieve. It took me 6 months to be "okay" with my best friend's pregnancy (as long as she doesn't share too many details.) Some days are good, some bad, some amazing. It takes time. Thoughts are with you right now.

MrsBunz · March 2017

Thank you all for your responses. I vacillate between being perfectly fine to crying uncontrollably. And normally over something that doesn't warrant it, like the 2 times I cried during Moana, or when my 18 mo said baby for the first time today. I think I'm ok, then I'm not. Im hoping this doesn't last the whole deployment, but I worry that it might.

purplegoldfish2 · March 2017

MrsBunz, I was the same way. I miscarried in early December & was up and down a lot for a couple months. I hit a low point in January when my period came (the second one I'd gotten since the loss, so my reaction to it caught me off guard) & for the next couple weeks, but then I started having more "I'm fine" days than not. The last few weeks have been a lot better. Our church is doing a series on faith and having belief in what we hope for, so that may be what is helping. Talking to a friend (not just the ladies here) really helped too. She had never had a loss, but was great and checked in with me a few times when I was going through the worst of it.

Another friend that had 2 previous losses reminded me that we all grieve differently and on our own timeframes. Give yourself time and be kind to yourself when you're having a hard day. The hard days are just you working through it. ❤️

Really Struggling Right Now

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