DH and I have been trying for #2 since October. He is active duty military, and had to deploy when DS was 10 weeks old, so we didn't want to do that again. We had TTC worked out so that I was pregnant while he was deployed, and then he would return was I was 5-8 months along, be here for delivery and most of the first year. Month after month, nothing, I'd get my period, be sad, and we start again. Then at the beginning of this month, on deployment day, I got a BFP! I was so excited. It meant going through the 1st trimester and most the 2nd trimester alone, but at least it happened. Then last weekend I had cramping that got increasingly worse. I assumed RLP, but went to the ER, to make myself feel better. To my complete disbelief, a UPT was negative, my HCG was only 10.6 (I should have been at 4+5), and the u/s showed an empty uterus. I was devastated. Monday brown discharge started. Not a huge amount, but enough to make me think it is a MMC. It sucks. DH won't be home until sometime in July, so not only am I going through it alone, but we can't even jump back on the TTC train immediately.
I know that it most likely meant something was wrong with the baby, that maybe this took a very hard decision later down the road, out of my hands. And I wasn't that far along, so maybe I shouldn't be this sad. And I still have a beautiful 18 mo son at home, so I know I can have a healthy pregnancy and baby, and since there are those of you have haven't been able to have any take home babies, maybe I'm being selfish. I feel guilty. I didn't cut all caffeine, because I felt it needed to help take care of DS without DH. I feel like I failed. That maybe I did something, or ate something, or didn't do something that would have changed the outcome.
I am also feeling really mean, because I have so many pregnant friends right now, and I can't bare to be around them. I don't know if I will be able to go to their showers without breaking down. One of my best friends and I had the same plan, we told each other we were expecting on the same day, and our EDD were within 2 weeks of each other. I am so happy for her, this is their first, and her DH is also deployed. I should have been able to be a huge resource for her, but now, the thought of watching her belly grow while mine does not, breaks my heart. I have been avoiding her. I feel like an awful friend.