Mental Health Check-in Week of 3/6

Avrilmai · March 2017

***This thread has a general trigger warning! Idea stolen from a BMB... This post can be replied to at any time during the week! Not limited to those with a diagnosis, but please be sensitive others. We will attempt to be as flame free as possible!***

How are you doing? Feel free to share a gif, pic, or meme that helps you.

Avrilmai · March 2017

postnobills · March 2017

lol @Avrilmai - couldn't have said it better!

kaitlink33 · March 2017

@Avrilmai my thoughts exactly anymore...

I'm so fed up with my RE office not listening to me and making everything difficult since ttc with IF is hard enough and stressful enough which all this non sense is the reason I'm not sleeping well I'm sure. Ugh.

AlohaKumu · March 2017

Image: https://big.assets.huffingtonpost.com/output_Vi3Xpi.gif

I still have a busted foot, but I'm meeting with a sports medicine doc tomorrow, so hopefully I'll have a diagnosis and healing timeline.

Image: https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/fd/cb/c9/fdcbc9f500abcfd23659406a8dfdb217.gif

Still (impatiently) waiting for my husband's biopsy at the end of the month so we can get some results on if he has any swimmers in there.

MJDsquared · March 2017

At work the past few months, people have been saying we need an "office baby." At the beginning of this, they asked me if DH and I were going to have kids. I was already dealing with this crap but I said something like, "Not yet" or "Some day." Anyway, they were just telling one guy here that he and his girlfriend should have the "office baby." I'm just so over hearing about this. I kind of thought the joke would die but nope, it's still coming up and makes me sad and angry at the same time!

fresh76 · March 2017

@MJDsquared what a strange, strange joke. Sorry you have had to put up with that!

vintageandrea90 · March 2017

Hugs ladies. This is so hard. The theme of this week for me has been "why is this so easy for everyone else?" A coworker came back from mat leave today and she's ALREADY 5 months along (we get a year here in Canada). I had fight back the tears.

stillclever17 · March 2017

I don't usually participate in this thread, but I'm not really sure where else to post. Please excuse my dear diary post, and feel free to just ignore me. I just need to get it out. I'm so depressed. I want to crawl in a hole and never come out. In addition to already really struggling with the guilt and shame of another anovulatory cycle, (TW) my SIL announces last night that she is KU again. On accident. She just told me they couldn't afford another kid right now and it definitely wasn't planned. She already needs lots of help from family with her current kid. The worst part is that DH had to leave the family dinner early, so she took him aside and told him first before making her announcement. And that jerk didn't even have the decency to give me a heads up before I was completely blindsided by this news. I'm so angry with him and irritated with her. In a moment of extreme anger I destroyed all my pregnancy tests, OPKS, and BBT thermometer and deleted my FF app. So that's where I am right now. I have to work now, and all I want to do is be asleep.

LoveInDC · March 2017

@soemthingclever Oh hugs hugs hugs friend. I'm with you in anovulatory hell right now. That alone is enough to struggle with.

I'm sorry you had to deal with extra news and that your DH didn't help the situation. Can you take a mental health day soon? Do something with DH to bond and get your mind off TTC? Maybe it's best you do a cycle away from the tests, OPKs, and BBT?

As frustrating as things are right now, you have to remember you're not alone. Your DH is in this with you (even if he screws up sometimes). Everyone here is in the same boat of trying with you. And as hurt you are about your SIL, remember that she's not entirely happy about her situation either. She's dealing with guilt and shame too. But you can overcome your obstacle. Hers is permanent.*

This is totally the thread for dear diary posts. And if you haven't tried seeing a therapist, maybe that can help moving forward? Maybe even go with DH so you can get on the same page? Either way, I hope you start to feel better soon.

*Babies are beautiful, wonderful blessings regardless of how they come into the world. My point is simply that the source of shame (anovulation v. pregnancy) is around for different lengths of time.

MJDsquared · March 2017

@soemthingclever I am so sorry you're dealing with this. Coming from someone who has ovulated maybe twice in this year of TTC, I understand how much it sucks.

I don't know what I would've done if I had been in the situation you were in last night. Did you talk to DH about how upsetting it was for you that he didn't warn you? Hopefully you'll never be in a situation like that again, but maybe it will help him understand how hard this is for you in general.

I think @LoveInDC had some good suggestions, maybe one of those would help. I'm sorry you have to be at work now with this on your mind. Do something good for yourself when you get off!

stillclever17 · March 2017

Thank you @LoveInDC @MJDsquared I really appreciate your advice and your sympathy. I'm sorry about the ano cycles. They blow.

The worst part is that I can't even confront DH when he gets home because I just found out his grandpa died last night. So now I feel like my feelings are totally invalid.

I go to counseling, but I have considered asking DH to go with me. I have my first RE appt. I'm just going to forget about ttc until then. I'm in such a bad head space. I want to quit all together so I can avoid the disappointment and failure.

I'm just so sad. It was supposed to be my turn. I have waited 8 years for this. I got married and I finished school and I have a good job and I waited and waited and waited. I waited until the time was right and boom! I stop gettin AF and I suddenly have PCOS. It's like a cosmic fucking joke.

On a diferent note, I dreamt she was KU a few days ago. I texted her to tell her my dream. She found out she actually is KU a few days after that. So I may be psychic. If so, I'd trade that for properly working ovaries.

icecubeinthedesert · March 2017

@soemthingclever I'm so sorry. Hearing about these things is so rough.

My parents are visiting. They know about my first loss, but we'd rather not tell them about our second. Well, my mom just whips out her phone straight to Facebook to a co-worker of hers (probably younger than me) and tells me about how she just got through the first tri, but got in a nasty car accident. But she and the baby are just fine. Thanks Mom, that really felt like you're shoving it in my face that my body's a failure. I know she didn't mean it that way, but I really didn't need to hear that right now.

MJDsquared · March 2017

@soemthingclever Oh no, I'm sorry about DH's grandpa (and that it feels like your feelings are invalid). It really does suck seeing all these people getting pregnant on accident or on the first try when other people wait until the exact perfect time only to find out there's something wrong. I so hope that once you get the ball rolling with the RE you're able to get KU fairly quickly. FX so hard for you!

@icecubeinthedesert I'm so sorry.

That would be really upsetting. Sometimes I wish there were trigger warnings in life like there are here on The Bump.

darkrose88 · March 2017

@soemthingclever I'm so sorry you're having to go through that. It is so tough having to watch other people get KU on accident or not having to work to get KU. And then when it is someone close to you, having it sprung on you out of no where makes it 10 times worse. Hang in there, and take some time to sort you out.

jsnakehole · March 2017

@soemthingclever I just want to throw out that just because something tragic happened to DH in no way invalidates your feelings. Of course it's sad, and I send my condolences, but your feelings are still entirely valid.

FWIW, I've had my husband come to my counseling sessions with me. Sometimes having that third party there to mediate a disagreement or tough conversation is really helpful. My therapist has helped him really see things from my point of view, and it's definitely helped me to understand my husband better. So I personally think it's a great idea to have YH come with you.

And I definitely understand the frustration of feeling like you've done everything "right" and not getting the outcome you want. I've definitely been there (and am there still). It sucks so hard to see people who seem to have everything get more, and I don't think anyone would disagree.

Lots of creepy internet hugs.

stillclever17 · March 2017

@icecubeinthedesert I'm sorry you had to deal with that insensitivity. I haven't been on here much because of school craziness, but I was so sad earlier this week to realize you were back here. I'm so so sorry for your loss. Big hugs to you.

@MJDsquared Thanks for the good vibes. I'm also hoping the RE will turn things around. QUICK!

Thanks, @darkrose88 It does really suck. But, I know I'm not alone.

@jsnakehole I know, I just feel guilty being mad/sad when his grandpa just died. I talked to him about it though. He understood in retrospect how the situation would be upsetting. I almost smacked him when he said, "I wanted to tell you, but she wanted to surprise you." It took everything I had not to scream. So her feelings are more important than mine? But I know ultimately that he's a dude and he just didn't realize how upset it would make me. I told him for future reference that I want a heads up. So I'm trying to move on. I'm definitely interested in getting DH to counseling with me. It will not be easy. Wish me luck. Lol.

I'm just so sad. It was my turn to be pregnant and get to announce it and have everyone fawn over me. Now even if I get KU, I have to share it with her. It's lame.

LoveInDC · March 2017

@soemthingclever - Hugs and condolences for your and your DH's loss. Hopefully you find the right time soon to revisit the conversation.

@icecubeinthedesert - Ugh. People can be such insensitive jerks. Hugs and hopes that this behavior doesn't continue.

The an-O hormones are intense guys. I went and saw my sister yesterday. She has her own mental health struggles and has a hard time with empathy amongst other things. She can also snap quickly if she's in the wrong mood or you hit the wrong button.

We (sister, BIL, 5yo nephew, DH) were all hanging out talking. My sister mentioned a video she was watching and I tried to look it up on my phone. Meanwhile, my nephew is running around handing out cards as part of a "game". My sister goes "You know when you're a parent, you can't be glued to your phone like that. He (newphew) was looking right at you and you couldn't even make eye contact with him."

All I could sputter out was that he's not my kid. I had to stop because I was about to start sobbing and I didn't want to do it in front of my newphew. Luckily, she realized what she said and apologized "for being a bitch". I told her she hit a nerve and didn't realize it. All I could think about was idk at this point if I'll be even able to have a kid and now my sister/idol is telling me that even if I manage that, I'll be a terrible mother. We talked it out and are okay now, but it wasn't fun.

jsnakehole · March 2017

@LoveInDC I'm sorry, it sucks that she said that and must have really hurt. It's good that she realized she was out of line and apologized. From how you described it, I don't think she was trying to be malicious, but words don't always land the way we think they will.

I'm going through a rough day. DH is frustrating the hell out of me. He went straight from his school to another country where some girl has arranged for him to do some photography in a refugee camp. I don't like the circumstances, but I know photography is his passion so I didn't say anything about him going, except that I'd like for him to just let me know he's okay. Yesterday I got one snarky text and nothing today. So I went off and sent a few messages about how the fact that he was able to comment on something his friend tagged him in on Facebook but can't respond to his wife because it's a Euro a text and how that hurts me and makes me feel unimportant. I also pointed out how I'm working really hard and sacrificing so he can follow his passions, and I'm not getting breaks like he is (when work stresses him out, he treats himself to a weekend trip. I can't do that because I have his dog). Now he's doing his usual ignoring me, and will probably just be pissy with me when we finally do talk, which will probably be Tuesday. I'm pissed and this totally ruined my day, not to mention driving my anxiety through the roof.

pebbledam · March 2017

@somethingclever - As previously mentioned, your feelings are still valid. I am sorry for the loss. I'm glad that you were able to talk to your DH and FX you can get him to go to a counseling session with you. My heart aches for you because I hate hate hate when responsible women who do everything right and wait for the right time to have a baby run into fertility issues. I just want to throat punch the universe. Please take care of yourself psychically and mentally and try not to let your TTC issues get you down (easier said than done, I know).

@jsnakehole - I'd be so pissed, too. He needs to understand how important it is to hear from you. It's not that hard.

MJDsquared · March 2017

@LoveInDC I'm glad she was at least able to realize that she was out of line, but that wouldn't make it hurt less. I'm sorry.

@jsnakehole That is so frustrating. I'm sure if the roles were reversed he would worry about you, so he really needs to see that.

stillclever17 · March 2017

@LoveInDC The ano hormones are TERRIBLE! I feel so weepy for weeks until I take my provera. I'm sorry about your sister. But you are 100% right. He's not your kid. Judging your parenting is extremely premature at this point. I'm sure you love your nephew, but not making eye contact with him once is not a good reason to be a jerk to you or judge your as-of-yet untested parenting skills.

@morado23 Thank you. I agree. The universe needs a throat punch.

@jsnakehole I'm sorry DH doesn't get it. I would be so worried too. It sounds like you make a lot of sacrifices for your family. I'm sorry he doesn't appreciate that. Sounds like you need to have a girls weekend.

jsnakehole · March 2017

Thanks, everyone. He finally answered me and swore that he left his phone in his Air Bnb. He said everything is fine and we'll talk about this when he gets back on Tuesday. He does this all the time- gets me all worked up and then acts like I'm crazy.

Honestly, yes, I do crank the freaking out up to 11 sometimes, but he knows I have severe anxiety (which *TW* comes from an abusive relationship where something my abuser would do would be to ignore my calls/texts to see how upset he could get me) and how important communication is to me. I was raised that you, at the very least, check in with the people you care about and let them know you're okay- especially when you're doing something like venturing around a refugee camp in a foreign country. He was raised in a house where his dad would go on business trips and not contact his mom for four days and that was fine. I don't think my husband has talked to his mother in a month, while mine calls me every day (or I call her). It's such a different way of thinking and we still have yet to find a compromise that works.

I know that he appreciates everything I'm doing to keep our family afloat while he's away, even if he has trouble expressing it (another family difference- my family is expressive, his is so repressed and cold). But I don't think he's realizing how hard it is when the weekend comes around and all of my friends are out with their BFs and don't want to answer their phone, he won't answer his phone (he's done weekend disappearing acts at least 6 times this year) and I'm stuck in our apartment alone just listening to my heart pound. I don't get to take a long weekend in Prague to relax and shut off my phone after a long week. I have to clean, and cook, and take care of animals, and prep for a workweek (because I don't get four day weekends most weeks like he does), and do a million and one things I don't want to do.

It's torture and I have 148 more days of this, and he's being an ass about booking me a flight out to visit during my break, and right now I just want to kick him in the shins.

Mental Health Check-in Week of 3/6

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