@kswiger06 all the hugs! I've had my share of intrusive thoughts as well, but for some reason they center around getting into an accident while we're in the car. I don't drive, so we always do grocery shopping, errands, etc as a family and H is a great driver, but I can't trust all the random people out there. I've had a couple rough panic attacks and haven't made it out of the house much, but as you said--baby steps.
I don't have many visitors so can't really weigh in on that front--the one visit I did have, I handled very very poorly lol. Hoping it gets easier as we all settle into our new normals, I'm glad your H has been supportive and is helping you through it!
I'm sorry you're dealing with upsetting thoughts too @MrsLittleMac. Hopefully everyday will be a little better, and brighter, so we can all enjoy this time without being plagued by the worries, fears, or other troubles we are experiencing.
@kswiger06 Some people that experience intrusive thoughts find it helpful to develop a phrase/phrases to repeat to themselves over and over to block it out or redirect their thoughts. Just maybe a technique you might find useful while you are going through this rough time.
@kswiger06 I totally get how you're feeling. I feel like I don't really have PPD but I definitely have high anxiety since giving birth. I really worry about his breathing as he sleeps and am paranoid about SIDS. I also am struggling with visitors. I know people are excited and want to hold him but I dread it. He's my baby and I'm happy to have DH hold him but besides that I want to be the one snuggling him.
It drives me nuts when the person holding him is doing something I know he doesn't care for be it giving him his pacifier wrong or holding him in a position he doesn't care for so he starts fussing. I want to just snatch him back and comfort him correctly. I haven't let myself do this but it's been hard. If I didn't have to share him I wouldn't. If we have visitors and he gives even the slightest feeding cues I'm quick to jump up and say it's time to eat and take him up to his nursery where I finally feel relief with just the two of us.
Me: 33 | DH: 34 Married: October, 19, 2015 EDD 2/22/17 DS1 born on 3/2/17 EDD 3/8/20 DS2 born on 3/10/20 EDD 11/24/23 (Formerly Marriedhamstermom Feb ‘17)
@marriedhamstermom your description on your feelings are pinpoint accurate to the way I feel, and things that I've done or thought. Even in the hospital after birth, I didn't want to share him, and since there was multiple people in there at once, I found quick ways to get each person to hold him so I could have him back. I ended up saying things like the nurse will be back in soon to make sure he ate so I need to feed him. At the time I felt like I just gave birth so I just wanted to snuggle him, but now I realize it was already more than that starting to develop. A couple weeks ago I offended my husband because LO was just so upset and I was pacing back and forth while my husband tried to sooth him. My husband obviously knew I was antsy to get him back so he said something like fine, if you can do better than what I've been doing, be my guest. and he handed him off to me. Since then we've had a few talks about how I (unintentionally) make my husband feel sometimes. But now that we're both more aware of what's going on in my mind, yesterday we got to talk those feelings through and how they affected all 3 of us. I'm sorry you are going through those feelings too. I hope it starts getting easier soon.
@marriedhamstermom I felt like this for many weeks. I still have many anxieties about others holding him. I've had to force myself to share him each and every time. It's still hard with new people or a new place. I know I need the break and my DH has a large family. Right now I use the excuse "he hasn't had his immunizations yet and it's flu season" (He's 6 weeks) to avoid too many people and places.
@kswiger06 I totally get how you're feeling. I feel like I don't really have PPD but I definitely have high anxiety since giving birth. I really worry about his breathing as he sleeps and am paranoid about SIDS.
This is exactly me as well. At night I'm constantly checking to make sure she's breathing and for a while had this overwhelming fear about SIDS. Like, my mom wanted to put a blanket on DD while she was napping in their PnP and I flipped out because "it's not safe and she could suffocate!" even though we were all in the same room and she was under close supervision.
What actually helped me was at her last check up, her pedi went over several risk factors for SIDS and when we replied "no, we don't do this" or "no this doesn't happen" it made me feel better that we are doing some preventative things on our part, but it can still be scary at times.
In fact, last night I woke up and realized it had been over 4 hours since she ate (she wakes herself up to eat about every 3 hours) and panicked thinking she had stopped breathing. I went over to her bassinet and she was perfectly fine, so I don't know why I was so afraid.
Another fear of mine was that she was going to get very sick and have to go back to the hospital. I don't think it helped that I had a preemie during cold/flu season. Any little thing that seemed unusual and I was ready to call her pedi or go to urgent care. It got to the point where I would have anxiety over DD going to my ILs because they smoke (I never told H this though). They don't even smoke in the house or near DD but I was terrified that she would get sick from the smoke. Having these anxieties was getting pretty bad, and H had to reign me back in.
***TW Loss***
A girl I went to school with (we are FB friends) was also due in Feb. The baby ended up passing away shortly after birth (she knew there were complications throughout pregnancy and shared what was going on), and seeing the news on FB sent me into a panic that something could happen to DD. I was pretty shaken up for a few weeks about it.
***End TW***
Luckily, I feel like I've been getting better with my intrusive thoughts. I think going back to work helped since I'm too busy during the day to have these negative thoughts. Having tons of reassurance helps me as well. DD is perfectly healthy and is now on track with full term babies (granted, only at the 9th percentile, but that's still amazing!). I still struggle at times, but both my H and I have noticed an improvement.
Just know that we aren't alone in this! And if support on here and IRL doesn't seem to be enough, there is always professional help as well. I think I'm able to manage my anxiety on my own with certain techniques (I'm a psychologist), but if I ever thought it wasn't enough, I wouldn't hesitate to seek out counseling.
@kswiger06 im so sorry youre feeling this way! I really hope that your husbands involvement & acknowledgement is the first step to you feeling better about everything! Sending you all the creepy internet hugs! Xxx
+1 to feeling more anxious post partum. I'm an anxious person in general, but post partum it feels like my anxiety flares up even more. I wouldn't classify it as PPD but I totally understand the feeling of constantly checking to make sure he's breathing, and the SIDS worry. I'm leaning on my support network (parents, husband, friends) to work through it all which is helping, but I'm trying to make sure that it doesn't go too much beyond the level of anxiety I currently have.
@ColeBug89, have you read up on the form of PTSD that can come from a NICU stay? A lot of my friends with twins have had issues with the extreme anxiety and the PPD that you get after having preemies. I saw that you were a psychologist, just thought this might be something to mention.
Married - 7/29/06 Ben and Maggie - 4/10/09 Mia - 6/16/11 Surprise! due 2/23/17
I'm not sure if it's appropriate, or if anyone cares to hear an update, but I thought I'd share to try and help get and keep myself open. But yesterday we went to my mils house. It's a little over an hour drive. I slept in yesterday longer than usual, so I was sort of rushing so we could leave as close to on time as possible. Then on the way, i started off ok, but after about 15 minutes I started getting nervous and anxious about it. I fought back tears, and my husband would start talking about something, and it helped distract me. Then he suggested I try getting some rest, so I moved to the backseat with Austin so I'd have more room. I ended up falling asleep for a couple minutes, but Austin started fussing so I woke up and gave him his pacifier. While I was back there looking at him, we were only about 10 minutes from her house, and my hands started getting sweaty, and my thoughts started racing. Soon I was silently crying and tears just fell. My husband ended up seeing me in the mirror and pulled over in her development. He asked me if I wanted to talk about anything, or if we could keep going, or turn around and head home. I said we could keep going, but since we were only seconds from her house, he waited on the side of the road until I got it together. That was the hardest part of the whole trip. Once we went inside, I changed Austin's diaper and fed him, but then immediately put him in my wrap. My husband kept discreetly telling me to smile and "be nice". I wasn't being mean, I just didn't make eye contact or talk for the first hour we were there. After a while, I slowly started talking. She brought up April, the pregnant giraffe. Lol. And I kept watching the clock waiting for 2, because that's when we had to leave at the latest. (In order to make it back home to pick our other kids up from school) so finally 2 came, and we left. On the way home, my husband asked me how I felt about the visit, and if anything bothered me while we were there. It was only my mil, so just 1 person, so we know that I most likely can't handle a large group yet. But it was a small baby step. My husband is hoping to plan 1 day each week to set up small short visits with other family to try and slowly get me out of my own head. Overall the visit wasn't terrible, but I still feel completely happy and content with just keeping to myself. This will probably be a slow process, but I'm working on it.
@MommaBean I told him that Monday I'll call into his HR lady. She's really sweet and can get all the information for me. I'm not good with finding the information I need on my own. Insurance is confusing! And thanks! The visit was better than I was expecting (I personally could have done better, but I tried)
Just want to offer hugs to all the ladies struggling with all these feelings. What you all are describing is what I experienced with my first kid. It will get better. I definitely recommend working with a professional therapist. With my first I wasn't able to because I didn't ever have a sitter. It was hard, but I fought through the depression and anxiety by exercising (even if you start off small, especially if you aren't cleared for it yet. If you are cleared really try to do activities that get your heart rate and breathing up.), eating clean-it sounds strange but it can really make a difference in elevating your moods. Of course exercising and eating clean is easier said than done especially with a newborn. I joined a mom's fitness group called Stroller Strides and that was amazing. Also, I read Brooke Shield's book on PPD. It was a quick and easy read but I related to what she said so it helped me to not feel so alone.
I'm so glad we have this thread to support one another!
@kswiger06, this is all new to you, it didn't happen with your other kids, correct? I absolutely recommend talking to a therapist and seeking help. With everything you are describing, I think what your husband is doing is great, but you will need more than that. And, fair warning, I am a drug pusher, but as a virtual friend, I would say it wouldn't be out of line to talk to someone about that too. Zoloft saved me.
Creepy internet hugs to you, and PM me anytime.
Married - 7/29/06 Ben and Maggie - 4/10/09 Mia - 6/16/11 Surprise! due 2/23/17
@Partyof6? That's correct, I didn't have any of this with my other kids. My husband has been amazing, and I've never appreciated him more. I'll be trying to make some connections on Monday, and get an appointment to see someone.
@MommaBean I told him that Monday I'll call into his HR lady. She's really sweet and can get all the information for me. I'm not good with finding the information I need on my own. Insurance is confusing! And thanks! The visit was better than I was expecting (I personally could have done better, but I tried)
Whoa whoa whoa. Pump the breaks on that last parenthetical there lady; "I personally could have done better" is like a calling card of anxiety. Focus on that second part; you trying and being there is huge. I'd also gently encourage your husband to reframe his support in the moment: those admonishments to 'be nice' might be placing pressure on you and asking more of you than you're capable of, which can make the situation worse. He's being hugely supportive, but if he wants to find things to say when you're in the midst of some exposure to a challenging situation, if he focuses on the things you're already doing well, it might place less pressure on you.
You're, like, the nicest woman on this board, you don't need reminders to be nice. You need reminders that you are strong, you are doing your best, and you are going to be okay.
Thank you so much @poetryandoceans. You having pointed out better ways for him to encourage and support me during a difficult time is huge! At the time I was already feeling stressed, so him saying to be nice didn't really help any. I don't think it was overboard, and I know he meant well so it didn't affect me negatively, but I can see where it could, especially if there were more people and more things going on. I'll bring that up to him next time we talk about things. (He works this weekend and sleeps most of the day) I'm sure more positive reminders that just acknowledge my effort would be more effective. You also gave me an idea. I think I might make positive note cards and place around the house. I think it might help to see these things during the day to hopefully help keep my head from the negativity. Really, thank you.
I'm so happy that helped @kswiger06 anxiety is an area I unfortunately have a lot of experience. I love your idea of putting some self affirmations up around the house. Positive self talk is a huge part of reframing anxiety.
Try and direct those affirmations specifically towards the things that make your anxieties worse. If you're worried about the baby's safety, things like 'I am a confident mother who can keep my baby safe'; worried about being around people: 'my baby has a network of people around for love and support, and I can help my baby connect with that network in safe and empowering ways'. Obviously make them work for you, but try and find specific affirmations, rather than generic 'I'm going to be okay!' Anxiety has a lot to do with specific tracks of negative self messaging that gets entrenched; finding specific messages to counter those negative thoughts is helpful
I think this is the appropriate thread for this question, but I need some advice. For any mothers here who have an inconsolable child, like crying after you're sure you've done anything to make DS or DD safe, fed, and okay... how are you able to pull away and take a breather? Like if you find yourself getting frustrated what things do you do to make yourself able to walk away and take that moment for yourself in order to get in a better head space? I find that even if I am getting horribly stressed and frustrated I can't tear myself away from DS, I try to force myself to continue to sooth him, even if nothing I am doing is working. I know I'm doing it more for me than for him, because I want to prove to myself that I am able of caring for him and comforting him, but I know that it's not a healthy approach. Is there anything someone can suggest for tearing myself away so I don't get overwhelmed? Any suggestions would be appreciated, I want to make sure I am in good space so I can be the mother my DS needs.
@BeckS13 I don't like setting my baby down either, but one day while I was pumping and my husband was trying to calm our little guy down, he was like "ok if you're going to cry anyway, I'll just put you in the swing and you can cry there." (Husband needed to pee and gave up trying to calm him down first) I was pretty angry that he was putting him down just to pee because I was almost done pumping and could have taken him. But as soon as he set the baby in there, there was silence. Austin calmed down and looked like he was never upset. Now I have added laying him down and giving him space to my routine. After I try everything I can, I'll lay him down or put him in his swing and most of the time that's all it takes. It's not like that everytime, but enough times that I don't feel bad or guilty about doing it. Just try it once, maybe your baby just wants some space to stretch and look around for a few minutes.
Here's my experience: Rosie was also an inconsolable crier. She's 6 weeks old now and the crying has slowed way down (no, I'm not doing anything different - it just got better one week). To get through her crying, I would put her in her crib to just stretch out and have wiggling time. Yes, she may still cry right when I put her down, but she's in a safe space so I tell myself I just need to walk away. I either go to the bathroom furthest away, or pop in for a quick shower to drown the crying out. I pretty much identify the top thing FOR ME I've been putting off and do that. You can't give any if your cup is empty, right? In that time she'll either calm down, pass out, or at the very least, I'm a little recharged to try again. Another thing I learned is that I may offer her something (bottle, boob, paci) 18 times and she'll refuse, but take it that 19th time offered. And lastly, when the crib didn't help, I found playing music louder than her crying while dancing with her got her to stop crying, and then we'd slowly decrease the music volume until she passed out.
Hang in there mama...it gets better and he won't go to college crying this much! I'm glad your husband reached out to your friend, as a colicky baby can be very isolating. Happy to chat more if you'd like.
@BeckS13 I felt the exact same way - there was a stretch of time when Elliott just would. Not. Stop. Crying. It didn't matter what we did, he'd just keep crying. It was really hard on me and I felt like a failure because I couldn't give him whatever it was he needed (which I couldn't figure out either!)
i knew in my head that I needed to take care of myself so I could take care of him, but my heart didn't want to listen. When I was finally able to set him down (strapped into the mamaroo), the only thing that helped me calm down enough to get in a better head space was to repeat "he's clean. He's dry. He's warm. He's fed." Over and over until I calmed down. It helped me to remember that he was safe and all his needs were taken care of, so I didn't need to feel worse for recharging my battery.
we ended up asking the pediatrician and he suggested giving him gas drops, which helped a little. But like @Patience7150 one day it just stopped. Hang in there mama - you're so amazing for reaching out for help!
@parience7150 mine responds well to music + movement too!
@BeckS13 have you read or heard about the period of purple crying? We watched a video on it when I had my labor and delivery class with my first kid... it also talks about putting your baby down in a safe place and giving yourself some time to recoup. That is one thousand times better than letting yourself get worked up and frustrated. My daughter, who's a toddler now, cried a lot as an infant- it would take me hours and tons of tries to get her to sleep on her own and I would get worked up from exhaustion and frustration. I know how it feels to want to yell at your baby to stop crying but I also learned from this video that we watched that much worse things could happen to the best of parents in a situation like that. Always remember like everyone above me is saying, put the baby down... find a way to calm down... wait until you feel better to pick them back up. They will not be hurt by crying alone for a couple of minutes.
@BeckS13 PP have great advice. The other thing I do when we're all together is give Sam to my H. Sometimes I feel like I'm a one trick pony when it comes to soothing him (boob!) and if that doesn't work I'm out of ideas. H gets a bit more creative with tummy time, movement, etc. and if nothing else, will keep him safe while I shower or eat. I also use our bouncer a lot. Sam loves it to the point that I'm a little worried about overuse but sometimes I just need it to help us both relax.
Thank you for all of your advice ladies. There are some tips I've been told about before, but many that I have not, and I really appreciate having whatever I can in my arsenal, so to speak. I want to say too that I am so grateful to be a part of a group with so many beautiful and understanding women, I've never felt judged for anything I've asked or spoken about in any of the discussions in this group. It really helps more than some of you may know, because even though I've never met any of you, I feel supported by you and just knowing that boosts my strength a little. I think it's just important to know that there are people who have your back and that there's still good in this world and that people still genuinely want to help other people. You ladies are wonderful and it really makes it easier to ask for the help I need.
@BeckS13, the others have great advice, I just wanted to send more support. Two things I used to frequently repeat to myself with my twins, that helped when was losing my mind.
No baby ever died from crying
You have at least 2-3 years before they form any long term memories for future therapy.
Married - 7/29/06 Ben and Maggie - 4/10/09 Mia - 6/16/11 Surprise! due 2/23/17
Re: Postpartum Depression - Support Thread
I don't have many visitors so can't really weigh in on that front--the one visit I did have, I handled very very poorly lol. Hoping it gets easier as we all settle into our new normals, I'm glad your H has been supportive and is helping you through it!
I have the Snuza also and totally recommend it. Gives me peace of mind at night that everything is okay!
It drives me nuts when the person holding him is doing something I know he doesn't care for be it giving him his pacifier wrong or holding him in a position he doesn't care for so he starts fussing. I want to just snatch him back and comfort him correctly. I haven't let myself do this but it's been hard. If I didn't have to share him I wouldn't. If we have visitors and he gives even the slightest feeding cues I'm quick to jump up and say it's time to eat and take him up to his nursery where I finally feel relief with just the two of us.
Married: October, 19, 2015
EDD 2/22/17
EDD 3/8/20
EDD 11/24/23
(Formerly Marriedhamstermom Feb ‘17)
@marriedhamstermom your description on your feelings are pinpoint accurate to the way I feel, and things that I've done or thought. Even in the hospital after birth, I didn't want to share him, and since there was multiple people in there at once, I found quick ways to get each person to hold him so I could have him back. I ended up saying things like the nurse will be back in soon to make sure he ate so I need to feed him. At the time I felt like I just gave birth so I just wanted to snuggle him, but now I realize it was already more than that starting to develop. A couple weeks ago I offended my husband because LO was just so upset and I was pacing back and forth while my husband tried to sooth him. My husband obviously knew I was antsy to get him back so he said something like fine, if you can do better than what I've been doing, be my guest. and he handed him off to me. Since then we've had a few talks about how I (unintentionally) make my husband feel sometimes. But now that we're both more aware of what's going on in my mind, yesterday we got to talk those feelings through and how they affected all 3 of us. I'm sorry you are going through those feelings too. I hope it starts getting easier soon.
What actually helped me was at her last check up, her pedi went over several risk factors for SIDS and when we replied "no, we don't do this" or "no this doesn't happen" it made me feel better that we are doing some preventative things on our part, but it can still be scary at times.
In fact, last night I woke up and realized it had been over 4 hours since she ate (she wakes herself up to eat about every 3 hours) and panicked thinking she had stopped breathing. I went over to her bassinet and she was perfectly fine, so I don't know why I was so afraid.
Another fear of mine was that she was going to get very sick and have to go back to the hospital. I don't think it helped that I had a preemie during cold/flu season. Any little thing that seemed unusual and I was ready to call her pedi or go to urgent care. It got to the point where I would have anxiety over DD going to my ILs because they smoke (I never told H this though). They don't even smoke in the house or near DD but I was terrified that she would get sick from the smoke. Having these anxieties was getting pretty bad, and H had to reign me back in.
***TW Loss***
***End TW***
Luckily, I feel like I've been getting better with my intrusive thoughts. I think going back to work helped since I'm too busy during the day to have these negative thoughts. Having tons of reassurance helps me as well. DD is perfectly healthy and is now on track with full term babies (granted, only at the 9th percentile, but that's still amazing!). I still struggle at times, but both my H and I have noticed an improvement.
Just know that we aren't alone in this! And if support on here and IRL doesn't seem to be enough, there is always professional help as well. I think I'm able to manage my anxiety on my own with certain techniques (I'm a psychologist), but if I ever thought it wasn't enough, I wouldn't hesitate to seek out counseling.
Ben and Maggie - 4/10/09
Mia - 6/16/11
Surprise! due 2/23/17
ETA congrats on the mostly successful visit!
I'm so glad we have this thread to support one another!
Creepy internet hugs to you, and PM me anytime.
Ben and Maggie - 4/10/09
Mia - 6/16/11
Surprise! due 2/23/17
You're, like, the nicest woman on this board, you don't need reminders to be nice. You need reminders that you are strong, you are doing your best, and you are going to be okay.
Try and direct those affirmations specifically towards the things that make your anxieties worse. If you're worried about the baby's safety, things like 'I am a confident mother who can keep my baby safe'; worried about being around people: 'my baby has a network of people around for love and support, and I can help my baby connect with that network in safe and empowering ways'. Obviously make them work for you, but try and find specific affirmations, rather than generic 'I'm going to be okay!' Anxiety has a lot to do with specific tracks of negative self messaging that gets entrenched; finding specific messages to counter those negative thoughts is helpful
Here's my experience: Rosie was also an inconsolable crier. She's 6 weeks old now and the crying has slowed way down (no, I'm not doing anything different - it just got better one week). To get through her crying, I would put her in her crib to just stretch out and have wiggling time. Yes, she may still cry right when I put her down, but she's in a safe space so I tell myself I just need to walk away. I either go to the bathroom furthest away, or pop in for a quick shower to drown the crying out. I pretty much identify the top thing FOR ME I've been putting off and do that. You can't give any if your cup is empty, right? In that time she'll either calm down, pass out, or at the very least, I'm a little recharged to try again. Another thing I learned is that I may offer her something (bottle, boob, paci) 18 times and she'll refuse, but take it that 19th time offered. And lastly, when the crib didn't help, I found playing music louder than her crying while dancing with her got her to stop crying, and then we'd slowly decrease the music volume until she passed out.
Hang in there mama...it gets better and he won't go to college crying this much! I'm glad your husband reached out to your friend, as a colicky baby can be very isolating. Happy to chat more if you'd like.
i knew in my head that I needed to take care of myself so I could take care of him, but my heart didn't want to listen. When I was finally able to set him down (strapped into the mamaroo), the only thing that helped me calm down enough to get in a better head space was to repeat "he's clean. He's dry. He's warm. He's fed." Over and over until I calmed down. It helped me to remember that he was safe and all his needs were taken care of, so I didn't need to feel worse for recharging my battery.
we ended up asking the pediatrician and he suggested giving him gas drops, which helped a little. But like @Patience7150 one day it just stopped. Hang in there mama - you're so amazing for reaching out for help!
@BeckS13 have you read or heard about the period of purple crying? We watched a video on it when I had my labor and delivery class with my first kid... it also talks about putting your baby down in a safe place and giving yourself some time to recoup. That is one thousand times better than letting yourself get worked up and frustrated. My daughter, who's a toddler now, cried a lot as an infant- it would take me hours and tons of tries to get her to sleep on her own and I would get worked up from exhaustion and frustration. I know how it feels to want to yell at your baby to stop crying but I also learned from this video that we watched that much worse things could happen to the best of parents in a situation like that. Always remember like everyone above me is saying, put the baby down... find a way to calm down... wait until you feel better to pick them back up. They will not be hurt by crying alone for a couple of minutes.
No baby ever died from crying
You have at least 2-3 years before they form any long term memories for future therapy.
Ben and Maggie - 4/10/09
Mia - 6/16/11
Surprise! due 2/23/17