is it normal for working husband to expect stay at home mom to be a maid? - Page 2 — The Bump
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is it normal for working husband to expect stay at home mom to be a maid?

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Re: is it normal for working husband to expect stay at home mom to be a maid?

  • RissKay said:
    In the off chance that this isn't MUD, I'd say gtfo. His list of "demands" aren't even that of a typical "you clean, cook, and take care of kids as a SAHM" deal: they're sexist, egotistical, and boardering on abusive.
    Agreed 
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  • edited June 2016
    Since apparently credentials are needed to offer advice, I hold a degree in Psychology, a degree in Family Studies and a degree in Clinical Mental Health..... just my 2 cents:

    I found myself in a similar situation as far as work goes. Me and DD dad are not married but we are a couple. Initially I made a lot more money then he did. However, I was placed on leave (somewhat complicated pregnancy) until after her arrival. My SO picked up the slack and now works two jobs making up the difference from my loss in pay.
    Since my leave at work, my SO has decided he rather likes having me at home instead. BUT this doesn't change that we are still a team. What we do as far as our household is concerned has changed but we are still working for one another: he goes and earns the income for our household while I can manage the monthly budget. I do the bulk of the work at home because I'm already here: I do 95% of the cooking (he can stay the grill master), the daily cleaning (major cleaning we tackle together), laundry, and dog care and he trusts me to manage a budget for everything for baby's arrival and he puts it all together. BUT he doesn't act like a slob either. When he's home he cleans up after himself, takes over with the dogs, does all the maintenance for home & our vehicles (& bonus now he does my motorcycle too since I let him drive it while I can't). We have a satisfactory sex life on both sides, mutual respect, and understanding of what one another face on the day to day basis. I trust that he will work diligently and provide for our household while I'm on leave from work and he trusts that I will take care of myself and little one and not burn the house down or let it degrade into filth. Our relationship works for both of us and any grey areas we discuss with give and take on both sides.

    IMO it sounds like your SO has very unrealistic expectations and borderline abusive tendencies. Most people assume abuse is physical but there is an immense amount of abuse that is mental and emotional - where it sounds like your SO is falling. Him earning a paycheck does not mean he owns you, your time, your body, your mind, much like how he sounds he is acting from your post. If he is unwilling to come to terms that are satisfactory to both of you, since a relationship is about the BOTH of you, then I would suggest high tailing it back to your parents. You do not need that in your life right now AND I doubt that is the example you want to set for your child.

    ETA: As for children making marriages crumble, as a professional specifically in Marriage and Family...... um what? No. 
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  • Wow! This one has been around a long time, but as some other new moms and I had this discussion recently, I feel like I need to vent somewhere.
    One of the other ladies said her husband and her had a discussion about how she doesn't get a lot of house work done and how this was laziness and selfishness on her part. She said she was so thankful to her husband for pointing it out. I about flipped... But all the ladies agreed with her husband and his assessment. If my husband had said that to me, I would have left him at home all day on a Saturday with the baby and a list of chores and no manual on how to take care of the baby (that how we start out!) I told my husband and he said my primary goal right now is taking care of the baby and getting rest because he can only imagine how tiring it is to have a baby screaming in your ear all day.
    That being said, I do like a nice house. Messes stress me out. Now at 15 weeks pp I finally feel like I can get stuff done some days.
    Unlike most of the girls in my group though, I was the primary wage earner till last August in our five years of marriage. On top of that I still did all the cooking and cleaning and laundry for most of it. He didn't expect me to, however... If I didn't do it, it wouldn't have gotten done. We had loads of discussions about it, but it somehow usually fell on me to get stuff done because his mom always did everything. We finally made a list of everything that we each did and everything that we thought the other person did. It really opened his eyes and got me more help.
    Now that I'm SAHM, I feel like he helps out way more! Does the dishes, cleaned out the litter box for more than a year, helps cook, changes diapers and even always puts LO to bed.
    I don't know what to tell my girlfriends because they have a very old fashioned view of what a wife's job is... But it is what works for us... and me taking 30 or so to rest after getting my ear screamed in for the last hour is important to both my husband and I.
    And to the very well educated (book smart) lady who says that marital satisfaction goes down for many people after children. All of those studies have a huge flaw. It focuses on mostly marriages that are child focus. When mom and dad are focused on their union as the central pillar of the family, children make it even better. And sex has been way better too  ;)
  • Woah!!  I don't even know where to begin with this! I have been a SAHM for 4 years and while I do most of the "chores " around the house, I do it out of the kindness of my heart lol.  If my husband expected me to do everything that I do and have the attitude that it sounds like yours has, his ass would be finding a new place to live.  Pregnancy is hard.  And maintaining a house is hard even with help, especially when a baby gets here.  If there isn't teamwork, you are going to drive yourself batty trying to keep up with ridiculous standards being set by someone who has no idea what your body is going thru/going to go thru.  
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • My rant to this
    My bf is the same exact way. I have a 13 month old. And i been a stay at home mom since day one. And when i did work i got tl bring him to work. My bf is just so pushy when it comes to me being at home and to keep him happy. Its pissing me off. And when i tell him how it makes me feel he tells me its my job. I have tried to look for a job and its extremely difficult when employers wont hire a woman since a year no work and graps and really dont have a permanent babysitter! I get he wotks and all but once that baby comes you will be super exhausted for the first 4 months i know i was. And my son still doesnt sleep through the night. And he will bitch about how tired he is. And im like WTF! I get he works and bring home the money. But he also help create our son. So he needs to help out. Right? Im not intonthe women do it all and slave over a stove for my man and bend over backwards! He still doesnt get my sexuality hasnt even vome back and he says "babe can you please just blow me" like wtf im still not sexual yet! Ugh men.
    End rant
    Sorry i had to rant when i read this. Sorry. Dont let him push you around. Like i do its no fun and you feel belittled! :( no fun
  • hollowwayhollowway member
    edited October 2016
    Honestly, my job is a stay at home mom and wife. My first priority is the health and safety of our daughter. Teaching her, playing with her, guiding her, feeding her, etc... But, I'm also the one who is home. Grocery shopping, paying the bills, doing the laundry, dishes, etc is mainly my responsibility.  That does not mean I'm his maid. He puts his own trash in the garbage, cans in the recycles, run sea his dishes off and puts them in the dish washer, puts his dirty clothes in the dishwaher. I'm not his mother. Even our 3yo DD puts her clothes in the dirty basket, throws her trash away, etc.. But, he also understands that our house is a home. It is lived in. Loved in. Played in. 

    I vacuum, sweep, mop, do laundry, dishes, cook, etc daily. But I don't keep the house white glove clean... There's fingerprints and toys and crumbs and dust and dog hair. Dishes get washed but probably not Until the next morning.... Laundry gets done but probably has to be rehashed a few times because I forget about it... But i do have dinner ready when he gets home from work and his uniforms are always  clean and ready. 

    MMC 01/26/12 

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    BFP 03/05/13, EDD 11/12/13. HB 175 @ 9w2d. Its a Girl!

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  • Mine says he expects me to cook and clean since he's paying all the bills and I'm at home with the kids. But I like to keep him on his toes... and always do the unexpected! ;) 
  • In the immortal words of Randy Jackson "yeah, that's gonna be a no from me dawg"
    meggymepinkberryaddiction
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