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Stay at Home Moms
JessaRex
member
is it normal for working husband to expect stay at home mom to be a maid?
JessaRex
member
i'm currently pregnant and my last job let me go "because i was late" twice in one month by 5 minutes, which was extremely rare. i was late cause of a ob appointment once and having to drive my SO to the doctors the second. thats not what this post is about though...
so i'm going to be a stay at home mom for a bit until i can get back to work (places rarely hire pregnant women that would be going on leave so soon after hire) and my SO has it in his head that on top of taking care of the pregnancy (and the baby later) that it will be my job to cook, clean the house spotless, do laundry, clean up after him when he leaves 10+ pop cans out every day, pick up all dishes, do the dishes, take out the garbage and recycle, clean up after his neice when she comes over, set up the nursery on my own but only to his specifications, plus still have energy to, ehhem, keep him satisfied. his idea is that he gets home from work and the house be spotless (even when baby is here). he doesnt want to have to get up to throw out his garbage or put his pop cans in the recycle, put things away that he takes out, and that it is all my job. he wants to come home and sit on the couch and have me basically serve him. he told me that because he works and i don't that it should be my job. i feel like he is blaming me for the job loss (when i know i lost it because i was in my 90 days and they knew i was pregnant) and that keeping his house spotless even though i cant move around as well as i used to and keeping him happy is now my job... is this normal to expect as a stay at home mom? i just feel that he should at least pick up after himself in terms of garbage and recycle. i asked him to do that and he told me no that because he makes the money and buys the food that it is my job to take care of it all... is that normal? ive never been in this situation and i am tempted to go back and live with my parents till i can work again and get my own place with baby... i need advice...
Re: is it normal for working husband to expect stay at home mom to be a maid?
Second, there is no way to clean the house spotless with a baby/toddler around.
(This video illustrates why: Why moms get NOTHING DONE
I would ask him to re-evaluate his expectations and maybe come up with a list of chores you think you can do in a day and then list what you expect of him. I think he has a dated ideal stuck in his head like the 1950s house wife. I do think you can still find a job even while pregnant even if freelance/temp if you want. Perhaps counseling would help mediate the situation if he is head strong about this. Here is an article you can send him that shows the value of a SAHM and maybe it is you who deserves to be pampered. https://www.ijreview.com/2015/04/287991-fathers-cant-afford-stay-home-mom/
You guys need to talk and set up expectations now before the baby comes and it's a billion times more stressful.
C 7.16.2008 | L 11.12.2010 | A 3.18.2013
He does not appreciate you the way he should if he is asking that of you.
I do everything in my house, but my husband offers to help any chance he can. I am a lil odd when it comes to chores and I like doing them. After our first child, he did everything and ruined it. I give him major props for trying, but would rather do it myself.
Helps me stay busy and I am satisfied that my house is clean for my Cain and soon to be daughter.
You are worth more than being a maid, a partner.
Good luck with your talk
Since my husband and I have always both worked, we've always shared the house work- dishes, trash, cleaning in general. But I will say, since I've been home I've really been the only one to do it. He's not a very good cook so I've really always done that, but now I do all the laundry, make the meals, clean up the meals, dishes, sweeping, etc. He hasn't said it directly, but it's kind of a silent expectation between us. He works very hard at his job and I enjoy being a blessing to him by working hard in our home...and since I'm home, and I haven't had the baby yet, there really isn't any reason I can't do these things. I kind of enjoy it too because my house has stayed clean and I'm not so bored all the time. I think the difference between our situations is that my husband recognizes that there are certain things I simply cannot do. I can't paint the nursery (thankfully he's a pro and enjoys that part), I can't lift heavy things, etc. and he is sensitive to the fact that sometimes I'm just worn out so I need a little time to relax. Even when the baby comes, I'm still going to take most of the household responsibility, but he and I both know there are times where his help will be needed.
Your SO sounds as if he is wanting this to be a luxury for him, and in ways it can be but I think I would have a calm conversation with him and shine some light on the reality of pregnancy and of what it may be like once the baby is here.
Has he gone to any doctors appointments with you? Maybe you could talk to your doctor and see if he/she is willing to give him a better understanding. Also like someone else mentioned, go to a pregnancy/birthing class together. Get some pregnancy books and read them together. Also just do the best you can. Hopefully if he sees that you are willing to try your best, he won't be so difficult if you haven't done everything he has in his head at the moment.
I'll be praying for you and that you will have wisdom and peace about what to do
(And sorry Gabriela) but please don't view yourself as a queen. Marriage is not about "pamper me" so don't act like it. If you got married because you wanted to feel special for the rest of your life good luck. Treat him like you want to be treated and you will, after time, see a difference in your relationship. Marriage is not about you.
And he is normal in how he is acting.
I have been home for 10 years. We have three kids an amazing marriage and are both incredibly happy and connected. I am not his maid, or personal chef we are both adults and marriage is a partnership. We are happy and you have to bust your ass so your husband can be. One of us has this figured out and it's not you.
Don't feel sorry for me. We are having our first child and there have been studies upon studies proving that marital satisfaction decreases with children. This is not an opinion this is a fact. I am sorry if you cannot accept the truth. Your personal experience maybe different than the studies but you are probably an outlier and based on her above statements she is not.
I never said once that I have to take care of my husband for him to be happy. We are very happy together and we know our rolls and expectation for eachother. People are responsible for their own happiness and if they try to find happiness in others they won't find it.
My point is there is nothing wrong with cleaning up, cooking, or satisfying your husband. If his roll is to work for 8 hours why can't she use 1 of those hours he is away and clean the house? You have been at home for 10 years, this is a guess, but the main person to clean and cook is you as it is me. Sooo why am I wrong again?
Your guess is wrong. My one and only job is to take care of our children. He cleans as much if not more than me and our cleaning lady does the deep cleaning (because I am a mom
Not a maid in DHs eyes)
It's also hysterical that you have it all figured out yet don't have a child yet. I would put money on the fact that if he treats you as his maid and you are expected to clean you will resent him am your marriage will suck so you will prove your study correct. My job is to take care of the kids his is to work everything else is "ours" perhaps that's why after 10 years home our marriage is happier than ever.
1. One 10-year survey of marriages found that having dependent children decreases relationship satisfaction for both men and women.
2. The American Sociological Association recently conducted a study on this very topic and found that parents are more likely to be depressed than their childfree counterparts. In fact, people without kids were happier than any other group, including empty nesters.
3. Philip Cowan, Ph.D., professor of psychology and director of the Institute of Human Development at the University of California at Berkeley, and his wife, Carolyn Pape Cowan, Ph.D., adjunct professor of psychology at Berkeley, have been studying this since 1975. In 1990 they began the Schoolchildren and Their Families Project, following the first of several groups of parents whose kids were entering kindergarten. The Cowans will complete their research in 2005.
4. After having a baby, 67 percent of couples see their marital satisfaction plummet, according to research presented by John Gottman, PhD (probably one of the most famous names in relational psychology).
5. According to Parrott, another huge name in marital psychology, 70% of women feel a decrease in marital satisfaction after having a baby.
Anyway I am sorry you are assuming your marriage will suck once kids cone. After ten years ours is better than ever. Perhaps because we are equals and split the chores equally I imagine I wouldn't be very satisfied either being my husbands maid and chef.
I really do wish you the best. The saying I was the best mother before I had kids fits here. I truly hope you are happy being your husband's and your baby's mother. If you aren't I hope you find enough self worth to realize you can ask your husband to share the household responsibilities equally.
Others of us have no issue keeping our husbands stratified without being their personal maid or chef. I truly believe an equal balance in our marriage is what makes it successful. I am a well educated intelligent partner not his mother.
I work from home and am going to be a FTM, DH works often very long hours outside of the home. It makes me happy to send him to work with good meals and have him come home to a clean house. He does a lot here too, and he appreciates what I do and does not nitpick the things I don't have time to do.
Now that I'm oregnant I've had days of being very tired and some of nausea. Sweet husband encourages me to just take it easy, he says "after all you are doing a lot of work creating a whole human"
I think being genuinely appreciated by your partner leads to wanting to do more for them. I personally could not put up with your husband, and feel that from what you've said he is being disrespectful.
My husband does his own laundry, household projects, most of our dishes, trash, anything outside the house and car related including filling up my car because I hate doing it. I also do a lot as I am the one that always vacuums and mops the whole house, cleans kitchens and bathrooms, runs out errands and makes the majority of our meals. That is what works for us. I do expect that my husband will have to/want to cut back on work hours a bit and do more in the home when we have a new baby.
Best of luck to you.
What about when the wife goes to work and the man stays home? Does she then expect him to have dinner ready, laundry done, and the house clean when she walks through the door?
What about when the husband REALLY doesn't give a rat's butt about how clean the house is or if dinner is ready when he gets home?
How do people live with those kinds of pressures put on them by ANOTHER human being when they're already responsible for themselves and another one or more? How can someone put that pressure on someone else?
I just don't get it. And no, don't tell me that I don't know what I'm talking about. I was homeschooled most of my life, with a SAHM who did all of the above things, and yet my dad STILL cleaned up his own dang messes, went grocery shopping every weekend, and helped around the house as needed. Whether he was working the night shift, day shift, long shift, or short shift.
If you're living in a relationship where your partner requires any of that from you in order for them to continue to "bring home the bread" or whatever, that is straight up abuse of power. If you're in a relationship where you've agreed that your duties are X and his duties are Y then that's a different story. But please, don't say in that situation that it's "expected" of you, because that isn't exactly the case.
And for what it's worth, we're having #2 any day, and our relationship and marriage couldn't be better. Since having DS1, we've learned a lot about ourselves and each other, and it's been a beautiful transition to a family from a couple. So, those "studies" don't always show the truth, especially if those taking them are the people who are feeling that they're required to live a certain way...
If he's home (after work and weekends) he's helping. SAHM's work 24/7, so dads should too.
There are expectations and then there is how you treat the other person. I don't care what your husband expects of you, but his treatment of you is harsh. Does that make sense? If DH told me I needed to throw away his trash I'd tell him he has two hands and can do it himself. If he asked me to vacuum up a mess he made, I'd tell him where the vacuum was hiding and that he could do that while I gave our son a bath. I have a problem cleaning up after people who can do it themselves. It makes me furious. But cleaning up naturalness or messes baby makes, that's another story. But keeping a house spotless, when you're not living by yourself, is a full-time job, and asking a spouse to do this while not putting in any effort to be clean himself, is down right disrespectful and rude. It'd be like if you threw things at him while he was trying to get ready for work. Or if you went with him to his job and kept getting in the way. It's entitled and it's rude. He's not the Queen of England, and YOU do NOT work for HIM.
Doing laundry and cleaning yes....walking behind someone and picking up their garbage no.That's not the example that I want to set for our kids. Their future spouses will thank me.
Unfortunately when parents clean up a mess in the child's eye that mess magically disappeared. So they have no need to take responsibility. That's not okay at my house. Dishes don't magically fly to the dishwasher. The kids need to know that it's necessary to pick up after themselves or they live like hoarders in the future. That's Mom and Dad's job to set an example.
Cleaning yes but it's not a free card to be a slob.