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is it normal for working husband to expect stay at home mom to be a maid?

i'm currently pregnant and my last job let me go "because i was late" twice in one month by 5 minutes, which was extremely rare. i was late cause of a ob appointment once and having to drive my SO to the doctors the second. thats not what this post is about though...

so i'm going to be a stay at home mom for a bit until i can get back to work (places rarely hire pregnant women that would be going on leave so soon after hire) and my SO has it in his head that on top of taking care of the pregnancy (and the baby later) that it will be my job to cook, clean the house spotless, do laundry, clean up after him when he leaves 10+ pop cans out every day, pick up all dishes, do the dishes, take out the garbage and recycle, clean up after his neice when she comes over, set up the nursery on my own but only to his specifications, plus still have energy to, ehhem, keep him satisfied. his idea is that he gets home from work and the house be spotless (even when baby is here). he doesnt want to have to get up to throw out his garbage or put his pop cans in the recycle, put things away that he takes out, and that it is all my job. he wants to come home and sit on the couch and have me basically serve him. he told me that because he works and i don't that it should be my job. i feel like he is blaming me for the job loss (when i know i lost it because i was in my 90 days and they knew i was pregnant) and that keeping his house spotless even though i cant move around as well as i used to and keeping him happy is now my job... is this normal to expect as a stay at home mom? i just feel that he should at least pick up after himself in terms of garbage and recycle. i asked him to do that and he told me no that because he makes the money and buys the food that it is my job to take care of it all... is that normal? ive never been in this situation and i am tempted to go back and live with my parents till i can work again and get my own place with baby... i need advice...
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Re: is it normal for working husband to expect stay at home mom to be a maid?

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    jensriot said:

    Nope. No way. I do a bunch of the cleaning because I'm here and I like things picked up. We both take care of the house and the kids though. He doesn't get to stop being a decent person just because you don't work. I would laugh my head off if DH told me I was going to clean up after him.

    You guys need to talk and set up expectations now before the baby comes and it's a billion times more stressful.

    This.
    DS born 10/25/11 **  DD born 6/24/13 **  DS born 4/20/15
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    You need to have a talk with him. You are not a maid you are his partner and that comes with 50% responsibility.
    He does not appreciate you the way he should if he is asking that of you.
    I do everything in my house, but my husband offers to help any chance he can. I am a lil odd when it comes to chores and I like doing them. After our first child, he did everything and ruined it. I give him major props for trying, but would rather do it myself.
    Helps me stay busy and I am satisfied that my house is clean for my Cain and soon to be daughter.
    You are worth more than being a maid, a partner.
    Good luck with your talk
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    Oh hell no! I'm sorry, that is not right at all! Obviously as a stay at home mom you will take on most of the work, but he shouldn't expect you to be his slave!! He is a big boy and can pick up after himself. You don't get to clock off and go home and be lazy so neither should he! There's also no such thing as a spotless house when you have a messy toddler running about. He can't expect you to live up to those demands you will burn yourself out!
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    Yeah, I'm in a similar situation to yours. Laid off right when I started to show. Could I have busted my butt to find another job (that likely wouldn't give me any maternity leave)? Yeah. But I didn't really want to start something brand new right when I was hitting my third trimester (which has been very uncomfortable), and then have to take probably unpaid time off instead of proving what an awesome, dedicated employee I was. So, I too am unemployed and planning on staying at home with the baby for a little while.
    My husband too was like "I expect you'll take care of more stuff around the house" although I'm guessing his tone was a lot nicer than your DH's!
    The fact is, while you are pregnant, you will reach a point where there will be basic housecleaning things that you CAN'T do or that seem eleventy billion times harder. My DH has to clean the bathtub and help with any heavy lifting, even if it's just a big bag of garbage or an awkward empty box to take out. Hopefully that will be a lightbulb for your demanding DH. 
    I'm sure the second lightbulb will go off when your LO arrives and he realizes how exhausting it is to constantly care for a baby (although, it sounds like he wants to be the baby of the house for as long as possible). If not, seriously consider whether you want to keep playing servant and if that's a dynamic you'd feel comfortable raising a child around. It sounds like once he's got this locked in, he might not be so keen on changing roles around if and when you do go back to work.
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    I'm sorry you are having a hard time. I think having certain expectations is normal, but he is being extreme and not very sensitive. I was working a very good corporate job and my husband and I decided that we both want me to be a stay at home mom. I am currently 6 mo pregnant and was planning on staying until the baby was born so I would get paid maternity leave but due to some unforeseen events we decided that I should leave now, so I did.
    Since my husband and I have always both worked, we've always shared the house work- dishes, trash, cleaning in general. But I will say, since I've been home I've really been the only one to do it. He's not a very good cook so I've really always done that, but now I do all the laundry, make the meals, clean up the meals, dishes, sweeping, etc. He hasn't said it directly, but it's kind of a silent expectation between us. He works very hard at his job and I enjoy being a blessing to him by working hard in our home...and since I'm home, and I haven't had the baby yet, there really isn't any reason I can't do these things. I kind of enjoy it too because my house has stayed clean and I'm not so bored all the time. I think the difference between our situations is that my husband recognizes that there are certain things I simply cannot do. I can't paint the nursery (thankfully he's a pro and enjoys that part), I can't lift heavy things, etc. and he is sensitive to the fact that sometimes I'm just worn out so I need a little time to relax. Even when the baby comes, I'm still going to take most of the household responsibility, but he and I both know there are times where his help will be needed.
    Your SO sounds as if he is wanting this to be a luxury for him, and in ways it can be but I think I would have a calm conversation with him and shine some light on the reality of pregnancy and of what it may be like once the baby is here.
    Has he gone to any doctors appointments with you? Maybe you could talk to your doctor and see if he/she is willing to give him a better understanding. Also like someone else mentioned, go to a pregnancy/birthing class together. Get some pregnancy books and read them together. Also just do the best you can. Hopefully if he sees that you are willing to try your best, he won't be so difficult if you haven't done everything he has in his head at the moment.
    I'll be praying for you and that you will have wisdom and peace about what to do :)
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    I don't think there is a "norm" for expectations between a SAHM and her partner.. I think everyone has their own set of standards. That being said, your husband sounds like he has unreasonably high expectations. I've been a SAHM for a little over a year and the house is clean because I'm neurotic and I care, not because my husband demands it. I cook because I enjoy it, not because he expects it. Sounds like your husband needs a dose of reality because you are not a step ford wife and it's not fair to expect you to be.
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    I guess I'm just different or something but I feel like all those things are my job and responsibility of a sahm. DH works very hard and long hours and makes very good money to provide for his family. He brings home the bread and I prepare it. now, I'm not saying to that extent. I keep the house reasonably clean, wash all his clothes, have dinner ready when he gets home, and keep him satisfied. But he foes understand that I'm not super woman and being 39 weeks pregnant and having a 2 year old things will be hectic from time to time. But I still do my best. He helps me deep clean every Saturday; clean the tub and toilet, any yard work, any vehicle work, and takes DD to do things so I can get alone time. We have a general understanding that this is the way things are. We were both raised this way also and in southern Baptist churches where you're taught this.
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    I guess I'm just different or something but I feel like all those things are my job and responsibility of a sahm. DH works very hard and long hours and makes very good money to provide for his family. He brings home the bread and I prepare it. now, I'm not saying to that extent. I keep the house reasonably clean, wash all his clothes, have dinner ready when he gets home, and keep him satisfied. But he foes understand that I'm not super woman and being 39 weeks pregnant and having a 2 year old things will be hectic from time to time. But I still do my best. He helps me deep clean every Saturday; clean the tub and toilet, any yard work, any vehicle work, and takes DD to do things so I can get alone time. We have a general understanding that this is the way things are. We were both raised this way also and in southern Baptist churches where you're taught this.
    Okay... so you keep him "Satisfied"? Unsure what that means. Does your husband keep you "satisfied," too?
    Married July 2009, Rescue dog adopted September 2010, DS born June 2012
    Expecting LO2 in February 2016
    Ghost of MrsMuq
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    Um, yes?
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    Your situation is different that the OPs.  Her husband refuses to do even basic chores like throwing his trash away.  He doesn't even treat her like a maid, he treats her like a slave.  I too am southern baptist and I do my fair share of housework, but my husband would never be so disrespectful as to leave his trash around for me to pick up.  
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    Okay, no. Its not your job to do EVERYTHING just because you're at home. I tried that. I left my job when I was 6.5 months along because I was high risk and had 2 appointments per week from 6 months on. I did everything for my husband. I cooked, cleaned, did laundry, and cleaned up after him. These are all things that I did on top of working before I got pregnant. Once I got so uncomfortable there was no way I could do it all. I wasn't sleeping at night, had severe back and hip pain and thankfully my husband stepped up and helped around the house. He would occasionally do laundry, cook, and do dishes. He unloaded all the groceries and we just worked as a team. So, no. Its not your job to do it all. Sometimes pregnancy is uncomfortable and you just cant!
    image
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    SMH, as a stay at home mom for the past 13 years, on and off. I find this very insulting. I wish I could trade places with you to teach your husband respect, values and partnership. We have 4 kids together, now number 5 is on the way. My husband sometimes works 18 hours per day 7 days each week. Simple because he refuses to let his pregnant wife work. Still he finds time to cook my favorite meals, help with the kids. The other day I had to stop him from doing laundry. He pampers me, and I pamper him. You are a QUEEN and should be treated likewise. That's a very abusive situation you're living in, which is not healthy for you or baby. "RUN TO YOUR PARENTS! "
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    I agree with chelseaepley. My husband and I just moved and I'm pregnant. As a result he goes to work and I am at home. I cook, I clean, and yes I dare say....keep him satisfied. I take out the trash and keep up the house. A man views his home as a safe haven and if you aren't working allow this place to be your safe haven for him. To be honest it sounds like you aren't satisfied in your marriage and want validation for him being in the wrong. Expectations will change and (sorry for being so blunt) marital satisfaction severely decreases when children are added to the mix. I recommend seeing a therapist to work on your expectations for each other and communication.
    (And sorry Gabriela) but please don't view yourself as a queen. Marriage is not about "pamper me" so don't act like it. If you got married because you wanted to feel special for the rest of your life good luck. Treat him like you want to be treated and you will, after time, see a difference in your relationship. Marriage is not about you.
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    MommyOfBabyGMommyOfBabyG member
    edited December 2015
    Also based on your post, nothing he is doing is abusive (I have a degree in psychology and sociology, and was a social worker so this is not just an opinion)
    And he is normal in how he is acting.
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    No that is not normal. If he works say 50 hours or 8-6, it should t be expected you work 8-8 or later doing stuff. On maternity leave I got frustrated with this. I said just Bc you work during day doesn't mean sometimes you can't help at night or on weekends. If I have to be up 3-4 times a night and folding laundry til 9pm he should be helping with something. Of course if he has a long day or work to do at home I understand but we are equal and therefore should be making equal contributions to parenting and keeping up the household whether that is more time or money. After we had a talk he seemed to be helping out more. and I'm doing my best to not be bratty if a thought gets on my mind and trying to let things go and make it a happy home to come home to.
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    Meagain31 said:

    I agree with chelseaepley. My husband and I just moved and I'm pregnant. As a result he goes to work and I am at home. I cook, I clean, and yes I dare say....keep him satisfied. I take out the trash and keep up the house. A man views his home as a safe haven and if you aren't working allow this place to be your safe haven for him. To be honest it sounds like you aren't satisfied in your marriage and want validation for him being in the wrong. Expectations will change and (sorry for being so blunt) marital satisfaction severely decreases when children are added to the mix. I recommend seeing a therapist to work on your expectations for each other and communication.
    (And sorry Gabriela) but please don't view yourself as a queen. Marriage is not about "pamper me" so don't act like it. If you got married because you wanted to feel special for the rest of your life good luck. Treat him like you want to be treated and you will, after time, see a difference in your relationship. Marriage is not about you.

    It is so incredibly sad that your husband has to have you actively taking care of him to be happy. That must suck for you. It's also sad that your martial satisfaction decreases with kids. You have been sold lie after lie that this is normal and I feel so sorry for you.

    I have been home for 10 years. We have three kids an amazing marriage and are both incredibly happy and connected. I am not his maid, or personal chef we are both adults and marriage is a partnership. We are happy and you have to bust your ass so your husband can be. One of us has this figured out and it's not you.

    Don't feel sorry for me. We are having our first child and there have been studies upon studies proving that marital satisfaction decreases with children. This is not an opinion this is a fact. I am sorry if you cannot accept the truth. Your personal experience maybe different than the studies but you are probably an outlier and based on her above statements she is not.

    I never said once that I have to take care of my husband for him to be happy. We are very happy together and we know our rolls and expectation for eachother. People are responsible for their own happiness and if they try to find happiness in others they won't find it.

    My point is there is nothing wrong with cleaning up, cooking, or satisfying your husband. If his roll is to work for 8 hours why can't she use 1 of those hours he is away and clean the house? You have been at home for 10 years, this is a guess, but the main person to clean and cook is you as it is me. Sooo why am I wrong again?
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    Meagain31 said:

    I agree with chelseaepley. My husband and I just moved and I'm pregnant. As a result he goes to work and I am at home. I cook, I clean, and yes I dare say....keep him satisfied. I take out the trash and keep up the house. A man views his home as a safe haven and if you aren't working allow this place to be your safe haven for him. To be honest it sounds like you aren't satisfied in your marriage and want validation for him being in the wrong. Expectations will change and (sorry for being so blunt) marital satisfaction severely decreases when children are added to the mix. I recommend seeing a therapist to work on your expectations for each other and communication.
    (And sorry Gabriela) but please don't view yourself as a queen. Marriage is not about "pamper me" so don't act like it. If you got married because you wanted to feel special for the rest of your life good luck. Treat him like you want to be treated and you will, after time, see a difference in your relationship. Marriage is not about you.

    It is so incredibly sad that your husband has to have you actively taking care of him to be happy. That must suck for you. It's also sad that your martial satisfaction decreases with kids. You have been sold lie after lie that this is normal and I feel so sorry for you.

    I have been home for 10 years. We have three kids an amazing marriage and are both incredibly happy and connected. I am not his maid, or personal chef we are both adults and marriage is a partnership. We are happy and you have to bust your ass so your husband can be. One of us has this figured out and it's not you.

    Don't feel sorry for me. We are having our first child and there have been studies upon studies proving that marital satisfaction decreases with children. This is not an opinion this is a fact. I am sorry if you cannot accept the truth. Your personal experience maybe different than the studies but you are probably an outlier and based on her above statements she is not.

    I never said once that I have to take care of my husband for him to be happy. We are very happy together and we know our rolls and expectation for eachother. People are responsible for their own happiness and if they try to find happiness in others they won't find it.

    My point is there is nothing wrong with cleaning up, cooking, or satisfying your husband. If his roll is to work for 8 hours why can't she use 1 of those hours he is away and clean the house? You have been at home for 10 years, this is a guess, but the main person to clean and cook is you as it is me. Sooo why am I wrong again?
    Would love to see your study. Perhaps it does decrease when the wife is expected to be the maid and chef.

    Your guess is wrong. My one and only job is to take care of our children. He cleans as much if not more than me and our cleaning lady does the deep cleaning (because I am a mom
    Not a maid in DHs eyes)

    It's also hysterical that you have it all figured out yet don't have a child yet. I would put money on the fact that if he treats you as his maid and you are expected to clean you will resent him am your marriage will suck so you will prove your study correct. My job is to take care of the kids his is to work everything else is "ours" perhaps that's why after 10 years home our marriage is happier than ever.
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    Just a small portion of the studies out there on this topic for those that asked...

    1. One 10-year survey of marriages found that having dependent children decreases relationship satisfaction for both men and women.
    2. The American Sociological Association recently conducted a study on this very topic and found that parents are more likely to be depressed than their childfree counterparts.  In fact, people without kids were happier than any other group, including empty nesters.
    3. Philip Cowan, Ph.D., professor of psychology and director of the Institute of Human Development at the University of California at Berkeley, and his wife, Carolyn Pape Cowan, Ph.D., adjunct professor of psychology at Berkeley, have been studying this since 1975. In 1990 they began the Schoolchildren and Their Families Project, following the first of several groups of parents whose kids were entering kindergarten. The Cowans will complete their research in 2005.
    4. After having a baby, 67 percent of couples see their marital satisfaction plummet, according to research presented by John Gottman, PhD (probably one of the most famous names in relational psychology).
    5. According to Parrott, another huge name in marital psychology, 70% of women feel a decrease in marital satisfaction after having a baby.
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    Meagain31Meagain31 member
    edited January 2016

    Just a small portion of the studies out there on this topic for those that asked...

    1. One 10-year survey of marriages found that having dependent children decreases relationship satisfaction for both men and women.
    2. The American Sociological Association recently conducted a study on this very topic and found that parents are more likely to be depressed than their childfree counterparts.  In fact, people without kids were happier than any other group, including empty nesters.
    3. Philip Cowan, Ph.D., professor of psychology and director of the Institute of Human Development at the University of California at Berkeley, and his wife, Carolyn Pape Cowan, Ph.D., adjunct professor of psychology at Berkeley, have been studying this since 1975. In 1990 they began the Schoolchildren and Their Families Project, following the first of several groups of parents whose kids were entering kindergarten. The Cowans will complete their research in 2005.
    4. After having a baby, 67 percent of couples see their marital satisfaction plummet, according to research presented by John Gottman, PhD (probably one of the most famous names in relational psychology).
    5. According to Parrott, another huge name in marital psychology, 70% of women feel a decrease in marital satisfaction after having a baby.

    Okay you can be right about that even though I am sure if I actually looked for studies that go the other way I know I can find them. Those of us trained in research based fields know it can go either way.

    Anyway I am sorry you are assuming your marriage will suck once kids cone. After ten years ours is better than ever. Perhaps because we are equals and split the chores equally I imagine I wouldn't be very satisfied either being my husbands maid and chef.

    I really do wish you the best. The saying I was the best mother before I had kids fits here. I truly hope you are happy being your husband's and your baby's mother. If you aren't I hope you find enough self worth to realize you can ask your husband to share the household responsibilities equally.
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    I have 3 degrees and one published article. I believe that qualifies me as "trained in research".
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    Also, please stop attacking my marriage everytime you respond to try to make yours look better. As you should know, that is a basic form of bullying and such an experienced mother like you should know this. I don't believe you know me, nor have I gone into details about my marriage that would make you qualified to make assessments on it. As I have stated before we are both happy and highly satisfied in our marriage. So stop talking negatively about it. Thank you.
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    Meagain31Meagain31 member
    edited January 2016

    Also, please stop attacking my marriage everytime you respond to try to make yours look better. As you should know, that is a basic form of bullying and such an experienced mother like you should know this. I don't believe you know me, nor have I gone into details about my marriage that would make you qualified to make assessments on it. As I have stated before we are both happy and highly satisfied in our marriage. So stop talking negatively about it. Thank you.

    Oh I hit a nerve? You can defend your marriage all you want. This is still a very sad message to send to women.

    I agree with chelseaepley. My husband and I just moved and I'm pregnant. As a result he goes to work and I am at home. I cook, I clean, and yes I dare say....keep him satisfied.


    Others of us have no issue keeping our husbands stratified without being their personal maid or chef. I truly believe an equal balance in our marriage is what makes it successful. I am a well educated intelligent partner not his mother.
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    Meagain31Meagain31 member
    edited January 2016

    As you should know, that is a basic form of bullying.

    I don't think this word means what you think it means. Disagreeing with you advocating women being maids and chefs to keep their men satisfied doesn't make me a bully. I fight everyday to raise my daughter NOT to think this way. You cheapen really bullying when you use the word inappropriately.
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    I see this topic brought up often and in somewhat of a similar situation myself I have a SO who works crazy hours and I do my part at home as I am glad to but one thing I think SOME men don't realize is if you weren't there to do all those things each day and raise the children would he be able to have the career that he has and advance his career while yours is put on hold?

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    Interesting topic. I can only speak from my experience, I'm not here to judge anyone else's marriage or situation.

    I work from home and am going to be a FTM, DH works often very long hours outside of the home. It makes me happy to send him to work with good meals and have him come home to a clean house. He does a lot here too, and he appreciates what I do and does not nitpick the things I don't have time to do.

    Now that I'm oregnant I've had days of being very tired and some of nausea. Sweet husband encourages me to just take it easy, he says "after all you are doing a lot of work creating a whole human"

    I think being genuinely appreciated by your partner leads to wanting to do more for them. I personally could not put up with your husband, and feel that from what you've said he is being disrespectful.

    My husband does his own laundry, household projects, most of our dishes, trash, anything outside the house and car related including filling up my car because I hate doing it. I also do a lot as I am the one that always vacuums and mops the whole house, cleans kitchens and bathrooms, runs out errands and makes the majority of our meals. That is what works for us. I do expect that my husband will have to/want to cut back on work hours a bit and do more in the home when we have a new baby.

    Best of luck to you.
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    I really can't believe it's gotten to this point here on this post. The fact that people *actually*, in this day and age, think that the little wifey at home is to keep things tidy and food deliciously prepared and children happy and clean while the husband "brings home the bread" is beyond something I can comprehend. I know that it happens, as I was raised Independent Fundamental Baptist, and I know there are people I grew up with living very meagerly so as to maintain these specific "roles" taught to them, but I just don't understand it. 

    What about when the wife goes to work and the man stays home? Does she then expect him to have dinner ready, laundry done, and the house clean when she walks through the door? 

    What about when the husband REALLY doesn't give a rat's butt about how clean the house is or if dinner is ready when he gets home? 

    How do people live with those kinds of pressures put on them by ANOTHER human being when they're already responsible for themselves and another one or more? How can someone put that pressure on someone else? 

    I just don't get it. And no, don't tell me that I don't know what I'm talking about. I was homeschooled most of my life, with a SAHM who did all of the above things, and yet my dad STILL cleaned up his own dang messes, went grocery shopping every weekend, and helped around the house as needed. Whether he was working the night shift, day shift, long shift, or short shift. 

    If you're living in a relationship where your partner requires any of that from you in order for them to continue to "bring home the bread" or whatever, that is straight up abuse of power. If you're in a relationship where you've agreed that your duties are X and his duties are Y then that's a different story. But please, don't say in that situation that it's "expected" of you, because that isn't exactly the case. 

    And for what it's worth, we're having #2 any day, and our relationship and marriage couldn't be better. Since having DS1, we've learned a lot about ourselves and each other, and it's been a beautiful transition to a family from a couple. So, those "studies" don't always show the truth, especially if those taking them are the people who are feeling that they're required to live a certain way... 
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    Um. Hi. Here are my thoughts:

    If he's home (after work and weekends) he's helping. SAHM's work 24/7, so dads should too.  

    There are expectations and then there is how you treat the other person. I don't care what your husband expects of you, but his treatment of you is harsh. Does that make sense? If DH told me I needed to throw away his trash I'd tell him he has two hands and can do it himself. If he asked me to vacuum up a mess he made, I'd tell him where the vacuum was hiding and that he could do that while I gave our son a bath. I have a problem cleaning up after people who can do it themselves. It makes me furious. But cleaning up naturalness or messes baby makes, that's another story. But keeping a house spotless, when you're not living by yourself, is a full-time job, and asking a spouse to do this while not putting in any effort to be clean himself, is down right disrespectful and rude. It'd be like if you threw things at him while he was trying to get ready for work. Or if you went with him to his job and kept getting in the way. It's entitled and it's rude. He's not the Queen of England, and YOU do NOT work for HIM. 
    BabyFetus Ticker

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    Granted I worked while I was pregnant, but my husband worked many more hours than me and he waited on me hand and foot. He didn't want me to do anything. I am now a SAHM to our 4 month old and I do the majority of the housework as well as manage our finances. DH does most of the laundry, the dishes, puts gas in the cars, takes out the garbage, helps cook here and there, and most definitely throws away his own trash. Your husband is going to be really disappointed when your baby arrives and you can no longer take care of him. There are some days when I barely have time to eat. I can usually only get housework done when DH is home. Your baby may be colicky, or not be able to sleep without you holding them, or you may require a c-section and that recovery can be BRUTAL. Good luck.
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    I look at it this way....if my son or daughter did any of these things I would make them go back and sing the clean up song to pick up after themselves. They're 2.

    Doing laundry and cleaning yes....walking behind someone and picking up their garbage no.That's not the example that I want to set for our kids. Their future spouses will thank me.

    Unfortunately when parents clean up a mess in the child's eye that mess magically disappeared. So they have no need to take responsibility. That's not okay at my house. Dishes don't magically fly to the dishwasher. The kids need to know that it's necessary to pick up after themselves or they live like hoarders in the future. That's Mom and Dad's job to set an example. 

    Cleaning yes but it's not a free card to be a slob.

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