@Partyof6? I'm so sorry that you're going through this and especially with a newborn. Like PP have said, I know it's rough but please take some time to also take care of yourself and eat/rest. Ask for help when you need it from other family members/friend and take your time to feel but try not to stay in the sadness or it can trigger depression. I'm sure your grandmother knows how much you care and would want you healthy for your LO and family. I know that's Easier said than done but I hope you can find some peace soon.
Thank you everyone. I feel much more at peace so far today and that really helps. Yesterday, DH finally convinced me to sit down, have some soup and take a shower. After my shower we nursed and then did some kangaroo style skin to skin and it really was exactly what baby and I both needed.
My husband, friends and family have been amazing. Grandma was transferred to the hospice center this morning and that should help a lot with the surroundings.
Married - 7/29/06 Ben and Maggie - 4/10/09 Mia - 6/16/11 Surprise! due 2/23/17
Thank you everyone. I feel much more at peace so far today and that really helps. Yesterday, DH finally convinced me to sit down, have some soup and take a shower. After my shower we nursed and then did some kangaroo style skin to skin and it really was exactly what baby and I both needed.
My husband, friends and family have been amazing. Grandma was transferred to the hospice center this morning and that should help a lot with the surroundings.
I'm so glad you took some time. Sending you and your family light and love *creepy internet hugs*
Stupid question..but did anyone feel overwhelmed on the first day that they spent the whole day alone with the baby? Tomorrow will be that day for me, and I already cried and begged H to not go to work. I felt really silly after, but I'm honestly pretty scared of feeling lonely.
Stupid question..but did anyone feel overwhelmed on the first day that they spent the whole day alone with the baby? Tomorrow will be that day for me, and I already cried and begged H to not go to work. I felt really silly after, but I'm honestly pretty scared of feeling lonely.
My first day alone is tomorrow and I'm definitely not looking forward to it. It was a bit lonely with my first and now that I'll have two to deal with I'm a little anxious! Good luck , only two days until the weekend. We got this!
@srscott3 yeah it was a bit lonely the first few days, but I also spent the whole summer here alone studying for the bar and then some, so I am kind of used to the loneliness. The tip to have something making noise really helps...whether it be the tv or just some music. I used to just talk to my dogs too, but now find myself talking to the baby a ton. H and I also chat all day on messenger, so that helps me keep connected. Spending time sitting on a porch or deck, or even just walking around outside, also helps keep the loneliness at bay.
@srscott3 to be fair, I tend toward solitude anyway, but I only had a couple of days before H had to go back to work. DD was born on a Friday afternoon, we came home from the hospital Saturday night, had Sunday together to figure out home life, and H was back to work that Monday morning. It wasn't nearly as difficult as I'd made it out to be in my head--she and I mostly just stayed in bed those first couple of days and watched Netflix. You got this!
Personal post (just need someone to talk to). And yes, it was me that started this thread, hoping I wouldn't need it, but alas, I am here!
I am struggling being at home with a newborn, and this is my second time around (my first is 2 - Dec 2014 - and in daycare full-time). I'm just not a stay at home mom. I love my job. I miss my job. I miss adult conversation. I miss being in an adult environment where there isn't someone crying multiple times a day. I miss being in control of my day.
I know what I have is called Adjustment Disorder - I saw someone (psychiatrist) about it last time, and have a follow-up in early March. Despite knowing what it is, I'm still having trouble coping. I find myself getting very stressed out and high strung about little things, and it's embarrassing to me. Like, why isn't she napping? or it's 10am and I haven't accomplished anything today, or how come I'm barely able to handle this, when I can handle a high stress job?
I know this is temporary and I don't want to wish this year away, but I do find myself doing that sometimes, or becoming very resentful of people with any ounce of personal/spare time (like I cannot even handle talking to my sister if she went to the gym for an hour). I love my children, but I really struggle being 'the caregiver'.
Appreciate any words of support, or commiseration. This is a very difficult topic for me to discuss, because I feel there is a social (gender role) pressure to be this "super mom", which includes wanting to be with your kids 24/7 and dropping everything (career included) for them. On some level, I guess I am super mom (I "have it all" - kids, career, husband, house, travel, etc.), but I'm just not super stay-at-home mom.
Stupid question..but did anyone feel overwhelmed on the first day that they spent the whole day alone with the baby? Tomorrow will be that day for me, and I already cried and begged H to not go to work. I felt really silly after, but I'm honestly pretty scared of feeling lonely.
I felt very overwhelmed when H went back to work on Monday. It didn't help that our other kiddos didn't have school, so I was home with all 3 kids all day, only 2 1/2 weeks out from c-section. Somehow, though, I think adding a third kid has somehow reduced my anxiety. I'm much more easy going so far!
@Shawlls can you maybe hire someone to watch the baby or come help out like a mother helper so you can feel more productive and have some alone time? It sounds like going back to work earlier might be good for you too, in the end a happy mom is the best parent.
@Shawlls I can relate to what you are feeling. I love DD with everything I have, but I am so glad that I'm going back to work on Tuesday. I was in school for a very long time working on my degree and my career is very rewarding to me. I feel more productive at work than I do at home. I always give kudos to SAHMs, I personally could never do it. I totally get the whole "super mom" thing as well, being a working mom is tough!
@Spicyweiner and @colebug89 - I should have mentioned I am in Canada, so standard maternity leave is a year, which I find WAY too long, but it's hard to find childcare for children any younger. That said, I did some good searching in the last couple of days and have found a couple places that do 6 or 8 months, so that might work. (My first is in daycare, but the infant program is full until Sept. 2018!!! - FML)
I guess I need to get this little kid on a bottle to start a transition toward more "me time"!
@Shawlls just like no parenting method is going to work for every kid, no leave time is going to work for every parent. If you're not cut out to be away from your job for a year, then you don't have to.
There are are tons of ways to be a 'good' mother, and not loving the newborn stage doesn't mean you won't be fantastic when your kids need a shoulder to cry on or solid advice. I agree with others, a happy mom is the best mom. Don't martyr yourself because you think motherhood has to look a certain way: find a way to make it work for you and find pleasure in other parts of your life too. A mother's helper might be a great place to start
@shawlls I want to start by saying that I'm sorry you're feeling at loose ends. The postpartum period is really hard emotionally and I think that can feel unexpected and challenging. I can't say I relate 100% to what you're describing, but I do struggle with feeling unproductive while on mat leave. H comes home talking about everything in his day and I'm like, "here, I kept this human alive. It was harder than it looks. There were a lot of bodily fluids". Newborns are so dependent and that can be overwhelming, especially if that's your main human interaction.
As jealous as I am of your mat leave policy in Canada, don't stay home for the full year and don't feel bad about it if that's not for you. Sacrificing your happiness because you feel you should isn't best for you or LO. Hang in there!
...H comes home talking about everything in his day and I'm like, "here, I kept this human alive. It was harder than it looks. There were a lot of bodily fluids". Newborns are so dependent and that can be overwhelming, especially if that's your main human interaction...
Have you guys noticed any mood changes in your spouses? I'm finding myself worrying about my husband. Ive found a few references to men developing PPD (dunno if it would still be called that in the absence of them giving birth), but not a lot of research or resources.
Also, I'm finding it really really hard to be compassionate and understanding about it, which makes me feel like a hypocritical bish...
I'm sorry, I can't really relate right now. I hope you guys can get it sorted out quickly and he can get back to a happier place. It's hard all the way around when adding a little one. My husband was a completely different type of guy with our first 2 and this time he's been way amazing, but I'm constantly on edge just waiting for him to revert to old times. It has gotten me all crazy brained. I'm not sure what exactly your situation is like, but I hope you aren't overly stressed from it or can get things settled before you do get stressed.
@poetryandoceans my H has definitely had more mood swings since our new baby's birth. I'm also with you on finding it difficult to be sympathetic towards him. If you ever want to talk, I can relate to this so send me a PM anytime.
Thank you poetryandoceans and @lemieuxk for your wise advice! I am starting to looking at an early (6-8 month) return to work plan, and it's making me feel very good.
Also, my sister and her husband came over for dinner last night and my BIL put baby to bed! (They don't even have kids!!) It was so nice for me to feel like I'm not the only human responsible for this mini human.
i made an appointment with a psychologist this morning. They can't get me in until 3/14 though.
I have days where I feel totally normal and things are fine. Then I have days (like today) where I get so frustrated with things aren't going right, like last night when I could not get her to sleep. I get frustrated with her, then I feel like shit about myself becuase my god, she's 7 weeks old and there isn't a thing in the world that I should be frustrated with HER about. I feel guilty becuase I should be enjoying my leave more. I get 12 weeks off work and I'm so lucky and thankful and wouldn't trade it but part of me is dying to get back to work...and I don't even like my job that much. What is wrong with me?? I feel guilty becuase I feel like DH gets the very last pieces of me when I get home and I think he deserves so much more than a tired, run down, touched out wife. I miss eating dinner and having sex and being normal (I want to add, he does nothing to make me feel this way. He's nothing but supportive and loving). I don't know if what I'm feeling is normal or not. I know that feeling sad is normal but I figured by 7 weeks pp it would be resolved and I would be feeling more like myself again.
I think the worst part of it is, I know that my life is pretty damn good and I have nothing in the world to be sad about and I certainly have nothing to be complaining about. That makes me feel like a selfish brat for feeling this way.
Today is the day I tell the internet about my feelings.
@FerForShort you are doing all the right things and I'm glad you are going to talk to someone. Do you have someone that can come over and hold the baby while you take a shower or bath? Or take a walk? Even for just an hour?
Stupid question..but did anyone feel overwhelmed on the first day that they spent the whole day alone with the baby? Tomorrow will be that day for me, and I already cried and begged H to not go to work. I felt really silly after, but I'm honestly pretty scared of feeling lonely.
This isn't stupid at all. I felt the exact same way when my first was born. And to top it off my H had just started a new job at the time that required him to travel around the country so I would only see him briefly a few times a month. I was scared shitless. It all worked out okay in the end, but I remember feeling the exact same way as you. Feeling lonely and isolated can be very scary, it's no joke. This is when I started trying to get involved with activities and play dates with the baby happening outside the house to keep us busy. How did it end up going for you @srscott3?
@FerForShort, I hope your appointment next week helps you. If it means anything, what you're feeling is SO normal even though it may not seem like it because it makes you feel so guilty to feel that way. Just because you "have it good" in life doesn't trivialize the fact that having a baby is going to be a major adjustment no matter what.
You're not a selfish brat, you're a person who's missing the life they used to lead. Who wouldn't long for that especially after that's what you've been used to and enjoyed all these years? Perfectly understandable. Having a baby, while a wonderful thing that everyone should be grateful for, leads to some serious lifestyle changes and that's not easy to come to terms with. I still struggle with this and I'm on my 3rd!
Wanting to return to a job you're not crazy about is understandable too. It will provide you with a sense of normalcy and that sense of independence/freedom you're most likely missing.
As far as your H, if he's as loving and supportive as you mentioned, he will understand. It will take time for him to adjust to the new normal too, but in the meantime, please don't guilt yourself over him feeling shortchanged while you're in the midst of dealing with your own stuff. 7 weeks out is not a long time and of course you're going to be exhausted as hell! Believe it or not, but someday (maybe even sooner than later) you will be back to eating dinner, having sex and enjoying each other's company again even if it looks different than what it used to prebaby.
@poetryandoceans, how is everything going with your H, any better? The situation with mine has been getting worse, he's actually handling this 3rd time around way worse than he ever did with our older kids. I'm trying to chalk it up to our current situation being so ridiculously stressful, but I'm so disappointed in him. I really need him right now because I'm struggling pretty bad myself and his lack of support plus level of anger sucks. His lack of patience for our older kids (especially our autistic son) is seriously starting to piss me off too. He's drowning in his own sorrows it seems and I get it, but only to an extent. We've tried discussing these issues numerous times, but things are continuing to go downhill.
I could ramble on and on about it, but will leave it at that for now. It all just has me pretty upset and stressed though. I feel like I'm in a constant state of panic. We both have an appointment with the psychiatrist coming up in a few weeks so we'll see what happens. H is taking some medicine too, doesn't seem to be helping at all as far as acting as a mood stabilizer and they switched it/increased the dose a while ago. What's worse is the new baby suddenly doesn't seem to want him to hold her at all anymore, she just cries and cries. He's a confident, secure and seasoned dad so he knows what's he's doing, I bet she's just sensing his irritability and tension.
I feel so burnt out and resentful lately, but just trying to take it one day at a time at this point.
We had to switch to formula about week or so after LO's birth because he was loosing to much weight. Mama instincts told me he wasn't getting what he needed from my boobs. I never wanted to breastfeed, but I was doing it for the nutritional benefits. I noticed a big positive shift for me once we went to to formula. I think it helped me tremendously emotionally.
I had lots of postpartum anxieties. My DH was wonderful and supportive. It was a hard month, but with support, visiting family, and formula feeding, I'm no longer worried about postpartum depression. I don't want to AW or diminish those going through depression, just let people know that it got better for me. I hope that helps someone.
@Jab3 I'm really sorry to hear how things are going for your husband (and you!). It sounds like you have an appointment coming up soon; do you find your psychiatrist actually talks through things with you? The few times I've seen a psychiatrist, they've been very drug focused, with little supportive counselling or therapy. Hopefully you can get that ball rolling with the psychiatrist, or they can at least refer you to a counsellor. It sounds like some open dialogue between the two of you might help things. Though I know it's hard with other kids on top of a newborn! But maybe a mediator might help get those conversations started in a way that's productive for both of you?
My husband's been doing better, though he's going back to work next week, so feeling a great deal of anxiety about that, especially since I've been having a lot of joint pain lately, so leaning on him for lifting and carrying the baby. I keep reminding him that I'm using him while he's here so I can do better when he's gone, and it's not like I'll be unable to care for the baby by myself, but he's still working through some hypervigilance...
@poetryandoceans, I hope you have a good week next week! I hope that pain eases up a little for you too! I completely agree, the psychiatrist really pushes the meds. Luckily I do see a counselor weekly same day (tomorrow) and time as H sees his at the same office. I think we're going to arrange for the four of us to meet together. I just started seeing another new counselor too from something called a 'visiting moms program' and the person comes right to my residence which is so convenient! She's great for me to talk to.
I had been feeling like something wasn't right. I didn't think I felt depressed, but more like I had developed anxiety. I thought it mostly revolved around my mil, but today I had some harsh reality. My husband asked me to sit with him, and he asked if he could talk to me about something. He started off telling me that he is on my side no matter what, but he needed to tell me something. He said he was worried about me. He said he knew I had mentioned not feeling right, but he thought maybe I was just tired and overwhelmed. Then he said he saw me getting worse and worse. I turned into a grouchy hermit. I have completely shut out all our family. I dont want to go anywhere or do anything. He said he told himself a little less than 2 weeks ago he was going to let it ride out to a month and see if I'd pull myself out, but clearly I'm not. As he talked to me, I just started sobbing. A couple days ago he suggested we start visiting family, but wanted to start by seeing his mom on Friday (tomorrow) because she will be out of town for the next several weeks. I have been very upset about any visitors/visits so I've been crying randomly at the thought of it, but he wanted to try and ease back into seeing family. I spent a large chunk of my morning crying and finally talking through some of my worries and concerns even though some of them sounded ridiculous. My husband was way more supportive and kind than I would have expected him to be about some of the stuff that just sounds crazy. I know myself that I'm a little nuts right now, but it was shocking to hear him tell me things that I hadn't realized I have been doing. I'm trying to take baby steps, but I felt a lot of relief just talking about it to my husband, so I thought maybe I should open up here too. I have some issues I will be working on, but knowing that my husband is supportive and is trying his best to help me through it is amazing. We started today, by just talking about it. And tomorrow we will go to my mils. It's completely on a see how it goes, as it goes occasion. I'm taking my wrap, and will keep Austin in my arms at all times, with the hopes of my nerves relaxing some so I will want to see people again. If it goes badly or I completely freak out we will simply head home. It's scary opening up, but I'm glad to have somewhere else to start trying to climb out of this hole.
Sending love and hugs @kswiger06. I am so glad your husband is being supportive and that he recognized the signs. I am curious about the anxiety, is it worry about him getting sick? I am having a harder time with the weather and flu season with him than the others.
I hope things start looking up and we are always here to listen!
Married - 7/29/06 Ben and Maggie - 4/10/09 Mia - 6/16/11 Surprise! due 2/23/17
4/15--TTC #1 12/15--IF testing 3/16--Dx Unexplained IF Clomid + Ovidrel + IUI + Progesterone cycle Cancelled due to cysts. Started 3 weeks of BCP. 4/16--Cute Ute! Clomid+Ovidrel+IUI+Progesterone TI. Cancelled-no response 5/16--Hemmorhagic cyst and other cyst discovered. No medicated cycle. MRI scheduled to rule out septate uterus. 6/16--Septum discovered. Consultation for surgery. Surprise BFP 6/8/16--EDD 2/13/17 Kole David--1.7.17--Tiny but Mighty, born at 34+5 after HELLP syndrome Chart Stalk Me
@kswiger06 Creepy internet hugs your way! I'm glad your husband recognized that something was off and that you were receptive to hearing his concerns. Hopefully you can ease into situations until you are more comfortable again.
@Partyof6? ***TW loss mentioned and generally sad***
It started when I was looking at him and thought about my sister's loss as she went into labor. I just thought how devastated I would be if he didn't make it. As I looked at him I just thought more and more about the various ways I could lose him. I check his breathing several times, everytime I lay him down, before I can get relaxed to fall asleep myself. It became an obsessive thought. After a few days I started thinking about how if I live to be 90 before I die, he'll only be 60. Then it moved to the thoughts of everyone dies. Everyone. Then I felt immense guilt about bringing a baby into the world, knowing that someday he will not be here. If I'm not preoccupied or distracted by something, I'll spend hours thinking about these things and just crying. It gets me thinking about my whole little family of myself, my husband, and all 3 of our kids. It just creeps into my mind and I'll instantly cry. I honestly haven't gotten into this part of it with my husband. But because of these thoughts, I've gotten extremely obsessive about Austin. I don't want to share him with anyone besides my husband. I'll sometimes find an excuse to take him from my husband. It's part of why I don't want to see anyone. I just don't want to share him at all. It's just been difficult mentally.
@kswiger06 I bought a snuza(levana), it's a movement monitor.. clips on the diaper.. if the baby stops breathing.. after a few seconds .. it beeps... it has really helped with my anxiety when going to bed with the baby... even though i know she's fine.. it just helps me to fall asleep. i got it used on ebay.. i think they sell for $100 brand new.
Re: Postpartum Depression - Support Thread
❤️
Sending you hugs and prayers.
My husband, friends and family have been amazing. Grandma was transferred to the hospice center this morning and that should help a lot with the surroundings.
Ben and Maggie - 4/10/09
Mia - 6/16/11
Surprise! due 2/23/17
It sounds like going back to work earlier might be good for you too, in the end a happy mom is the best parent.
I guess I need to get this little kid on a bottle to start a transition toward more "me time"!
Find a nanny or something.
There are are tons of ways to be a 'good' mother, and not loving the newborn stage doesn't mean you won't be fantastic when your kids need a shoulder to cry on or solid advice. I agree with others, a happy mom is the best mom. Don't martyr yourself because you think motherhood has to look a certain way: find a way to make it work for you and find pleasure in other parts of your life too. A mother's helper might be a great place to start
As jealous as I am of your mat leave policy in Canada, don't stay home for the full year and don't feel bad about it if that's not for you. Sacrificing your happiness because you feel you should isn't best for you or LO. Hang in there!
Also, I'm finding it really really hard to be compassionate and understanding about it, which makes me feel like a hypocritical bish...
https://postpartum.org/services/dads/signs-of-ppd-anxiety-in-men/
https://postpartummen.com
I'm sorry, I can't really relate right now. I hope you guys can get it sorted out quickly and he can get back to a happier place. It's hard all the way around when adding a little one. My husband was a completely different type of guy with our first 2 and this time he's been way amazing, but I'm constantly on edge just waiting for him to revert to old times. It has gotten me all crazy brained. I'm not sure what exactly your situation is like, but I hope you aren't overly stressed from it or can get things settled before you do get stressed.
Also, my sister and her husband came over for dinner last night and my BIL put baby to bed! (They don't even have kids!!) It was so nice for me to feel like I'm not the only human responsible for this mini human.
I have days where I feel totally normal and things are fine. Then I have days (like today) where I get so frustrated with things aren't going right, like last night when I could not get her to sleep. I get frustrated with her, then I feel like shit about myself becuase my god, she's 7 weeks old and there isn't a thing in the world that I should be frustrated with HER about. I feel guilty becuase I should be enjoying my leave more. I get 12 weeks off work and I'm so lucky and thankful and wouldn't trade it but part of me is dying to get back to work...and I don't even like my job that much. What is wrong with me?? I feel guilty becuase I feel like DH gets the very last pieces of me when I get home and I think he deserves so much more than a tired, run down, touched out wife. I miss eating dinner and having sex and being normal (I want to add, he does nothing to make me feel this way. He's nothing but supportive and loving). I don't know if what I'm feeling is normal or not. I know that feeling sad is normal but I figured by 7 weeks pp it would be resolved and I would be feeling more like myself again.
I think the worst part of it is, I know that my life is pretty damn good and I have nothing in the world to be sad about and I certainly have nothing to be complaining about. That makes me feel like a selfish brat for feeling this way.
Today is the day I tell the internet about my feelings.
You're not a selfish brat, you're a person who's missing the life they used to lead. Who wouldn't long for that especially after that's what you've been used to and enjoyed all these years? Perfectly understandable. Having a baby, while a wonderful thing that everyone should be grateful for, leads to some serious lifestyle changes and that's not easy to come to terms with. I still struggle with this and I'm on my 3rd!
Wanting to return to a job you're not crazy about is understandable too. It will provide you with a sense of normalcy and that sense of independence/freedom you're most likely missing.
As far as your H, if he's as loving and supportive as you mentioned, he will understand. It will take time for him to adjust to the new normal too, but in the meantime, please don't guilt yourself over him feeling shortchanged while you're in the midst of dealing with your own stuff. 7 weeks out is not a long time and of course you're going to be exhausted as hell! Believe it or not, but someday (maybe even sooner than later) you will be back to eating dinner, having sex and enjoying each other's company again even if it looks different than what it used to prebaby.
I could ramble on and on about it, but will leave it at that for now. It all just has me pretty upset and stressed though. I feel like I'm in a constant state of panic. We both have an appointment with the psychiatrist coming up in a few weeks so we'll see what happens. H is taking some medicine too, doesn't seem to be helping at all as far as acting as a mood stabilizer and they switched it/increased the dose a while ago. What's worse is the new baby suddenly doesn't seem to want him to hold her at all anymore, she just cries and cries. He's a confident, secure and seasoned dad so he knows what's he's doing, I bet she's just sensing his irritability and tension.
I feel so burnt out and resentful lately, but just trying to take it one day at a time at this point.
I had lots of postpartum anxieties. My DH was wonderful and supportive. It was a hard month, but with support, visiting family, and formula feeding, I'm no longer worried about postpartum depression. I don't want to AW or diminish those going through depression, just let people know that it got better for me. I hope that helps someone.
My husband's been doing better, though he's going back to work next week, so feeling a great deal of anxiety about that, especially since I've been having a lot of joint pain lately, so leaning on him for lifting and carrying the baby. I keep reminding him that I'm using him while he's here so I can do better when he's gone, and it's not like I'll be unable to care for the baby by myself, but he's still working through some hypervigilance...
I hope things start looking up and we are always here to listen!
Ben and Maggie - 4/10/09
Mia - 6/16/11
Surprise! due 2/23/17
Married 6.22.13
Hoping for a Herd Linky
12/15--IF testing
3/16--Dx Unexplained IF
Clomid + Ovidrel + IUI + Progesterone cycle
Cancelled due to cysts. Started 3 weeks of BCP.
4/16--Cute Ute! Clomid+Ovidrel+IUI+Progesterone TI.
Cancelled-no response
5/16--Hemmorhagic cyst and other cyst discovered.
No medicated cycle. MRI scheduled to rule out
septate uterus.
6/16--Septum discovered. Consultation for surgery.
Surprise BFP 6/8/16--EDD 2/13/17
Kole David--1.7.17--Tiny but Mighty, born at 34+5 after HELLP syndrome
Chart Stalk Me