Big Thread for Dumb Questions 1/31

tuxielove93 · January 2017

Thought it might be easier to start this over than to continue with the other one which has been bumped down. SO here is the new Big Thread for Dumb Questions!

tuxielove93 · January 2017

My dumb question for the week: FTM and I want to know how crazy my expectations immediately post baby are.
How mobile will I be after birth? Does this depend entirely on me and my birth? I've been trying to figure out how much help I will need post birth (I'll be home around 8 hours after if all goes well) and I can't really find specific information. Which makes me think that I'll be ok to walk around, get food, etc. etc. Just need to rest a lot. And obviously I'll be occupied with the baby. But it also sounds like for the most part, baby eats every 1-2 hours, especially in the beginning probably not for very long, maybe half an hour, and then sleeps. So diaper changing in there, but otherwise, lots of sleeping time? Am I kidding myself? I'm going to have meals ready to go, and I am going to arrange for some help for 1-2 hours a day, but if I am going to be completely immobile, or mostly immobile, I would rather know now so I can arrange someone to come help me with bringing me food. And I'll set myself up downstairs. My couch is actually extremely comfortable to sleep on. My husband might not get any time off work, so I will be asking family that either doesn't work, or will hopefully be able to take time off.

chiquita928 · January 2017

It really does completely depend on you, your birth, and your baby. I was up and mobile and fine within hours. I was sore vaginally for a few days, so we lowered the bed. My sister had a traumatic c-section and old barely move for 10 days. My best friend had an ugly c-section, and was completely mobile within a few days. You will want help cooking and cleaning if you can get it, because you will be tired.

glitterfish-2 · January 2017

How important are consistent routines and breastfeeding in the first 3 months (maternity leave) and beyond?
Half the week DH works nights, so I was thinking of having the baby sleep in the room while I'm alone, but the days that he is home I want him to do half the work at a minimum, so LO would sleep in his own room ideally.
Would half formula feeding make my boobs hurt?

alcrimmins · January 2017

GlitterFish said:

How important are consistent routines and breastfeeding in the first 3 months (maternity leave) and beyond?
Half the week DH works nights, so I was thinking of having the baby sleep in the room while I'm alone, but the days that he is home I want him to do half the work at a minimum, so LO would sleep in his own room ideally.
Would half formula feeding make my boobs hurt?

I'm huge into routines and thrive off of them. However, the first three months revolved around dd and her demands. There was barely a routine. I found that it was easier for us to keep the baby in the room full time at night for the first three monthe, then we switched her to her room.

I don't have a great answer to formula feeding. I switched to formula at nine weeks. However I began the transition at six weeks. My boobs didn't hurt, but that was me personally.

chiquita928 · January 2017

For us, DS was in his own room right next door within a few weeks. As far a your boobs - your boobs will do whatever you consistently do. If you keep up a routine for a few days, your milk will catch on. It does take a few days, though. My best friend nursed during the day, and did formula at night. It worked for her. I breastfed during the day, and pumped at lunch. DH did the nighttime bottle. My boobs learned that I didn't need a bunch of milk until lunchtime, and I would pump 3 bottles worth at lunch. I only ever pumped once a day. I swear, the boobs even knew when it was the weekend...they would just be ready to nurse all day long.

Edited for typos

glitterfish-2 · January 2017

@chiquita928 Wow, you have super smart boobs! Lol
I was worried that if I do bf then I'm locked in and would never sleep again, bc they would wake me up regardless!

chiquita928 · January 2017

@GlitterFish You just gotta trust them lol. It was advice given to me by a coworker who BF three kids. They will do what you essentially train them to do. If you feed the baby or pump at certain times daily, and do not do so other times, your body will know when you need milk and when you do not. If you don't want night milk, your body will figure it out. Just, like I said, it takes a few days for the body to know that the time wasn't just a fluke.

chiquita928 · January 2017

GlitterFish said:

@chiquita928 Wow, you have super smart boobs! Lol
I was worried that if I do bf then I'm locked in and would never sleep again, bc they would wake me up regardless!

Also, do yourself a favor, and do not try to find a "super boobs" gif. SMH I should have know better.

glitterfish-2 · January 2017

chiquita928 said:

GlitterFish said:

@chiquita928 Wow, you have super smart boobs! Lol
I was worried that if I do bf then I'm locked in and would never sleep again, bc they would wake me up regardless!

Also, do yourself a favor, and do not try to find a "super boobs" gif. SMH I should have know better.

Lol, lucky for me I was on mobile!!

OperaSingerMommy · January 2017

@kerils I was fairly mobile after birth but I've never been so tired in my life. I'd definitely advise keeping the baby as close you as possible if you're breastfeeding to save yourself any extra steps that you can. If anyone offers you any help at all (cooking cleaning, sitting with baby while you shower or nap) say yes! I didn't accept enough help with DD and I regretted it.

@GlitterFish I agree with PP that it's usually easier to go with the baby's wants rather than a schedule in the first 3-4 months. I was desperate to get DD on the Babywise schedule in the beginning and it was a disaster. We were all so much happier when I just went with what she wanted. Each day was a little different but eventually she got herself on a great routine so it was easier for me to make a pumping schedule if I was away from her for a bit. I don't think formula will mess anything up but definitely always pump if you aren't comfortable!

glitterfish-2 · January 2017

@OperaSingerMommy I was specifically thinking about sleeping location in the question - if we aren't consistent, will he never sleep?? But I myself never slept as a baby, soooo....

I also don't want to get myself into the same pickle as my sister who never had her H go in at night so of course her babies only wanted her no matter what!

OperaSingerMommy · January 2017

@GlitterFish Gotcha, sorry! A friend of mine traded off night feedings with her husband every other night so they could take turns getting a solid 8 hours sleep. Her H did formula and she BF and it seemed to work for them. I don't think she had any supply issues!

alcrimmins · February 2017

@GlitterFish Definitely get you H to do night feedings regularly. This will help everyone and your lo will learn to soothe and sleep from anyone, not just you.

greenbean-2 · February 2017

For STMs+, did you have family stay with you right after the birth? How did it go? Do you plan to do things differently this time? My parents live around 5 hours away, and have offered to come help us out after the birth (most likely staying with us, but we could probably convince them to stay with my aunt an hour away). Part of me wants some time just with DH and the baby to figure out what we're doing and adjust to being a family of 3. Part of me thinks I'm being stupid and naive, and I should accept any help that's offered. If it makes a difference, DH and I will both have parental leave, so I won't be on my own either way.

chiquita928 · February 2017

@GreenBean We did not, but our family all lives 15 minutes away or less. They came by a lot, but I was glad for the quiet time, too. DH did not have any leave at the time.

dancegurl1118 · February 2017

I had a vaginal birth with a 2nd degree laceration and was really uncomfortable sitting for long periods In the same spot or walking more than a block for a few weeks.

My boobs were a mess between oversupply (was my own fault because I started pumping early for a supply for work) and bleeding nipples. They finally regulated but I still couldn't go more than 4 hours without emptying them or I'd be sweating/unable to focus.

I second PP about being a new level of tired. DD slept pretty well right off the bat (3-4 hour stretches overnight) but I still couldn't keep my eyes open most of the day. DH had a week off then went back to work and I'm pretty sure I didn't move from the same spot when he left and came back for a few weeks.

I'm also lazy, need a shit ton of sleep, and wasn't motivated because DD was my only child. I think it'll be much different with a 2 year old running around.

MrsLa3 · February 2017

After DS I had MIL stay with DH and I for a week. He had to work and I needed help with DD.

@kerils it does depend on your birth. I had an emergency c-section and a RCS, I was not up walking around that day. I was made to wait 24 hours with both and the second time I had to wait a little longer bc I was having issues with blood clots and they had this thing on my legs to massage them.

As far as nb schedules, the first three months are a "just wing it" style. We were EBF, on demand, long nursing, and cluster feedings. There was a lot of sleep for both us since I had help, I slept when he slept.

chiquita928 · February 2017

@dancegurl1118 OMG the amnesia! I forgot all about the oversupply in the beginning.

I started pumping in the hospital. Bad idea. The LC made me freaked out bc DS was small (5lbs15oz) that I would't get him to put on weight. It took me a couple of days to realize that I needed to pump a little to soften them before DS could latch. Also, once I gave him a bottle it was better. I was so freaked out to do that, though, because they made it seem like nipple confusion was a certain thing (spoiler alert: it wasn't). Also, when I switched from the pump I rented from the hospital to the Tommee Tippee one (same brand as the bottles), it ripped the skin off of my nipples. Had to change to the Ameda lifesaver with a sh*t ton of lanolin while they healed. That was crap. I feel like I went through a lot of needless trial and error that would likely have been prevented if I had a board such as this to help.

WeddingNotes13 · February 2017

@GreenBean. It was just us for the first 3 days home. DS was off for those days. I was glad for the privacy and space to figure out our new family, but also appreciated my mom and grandma each coming out for a few days after that. I was not too sore (was given great pain killers to take home), but was tired and unfocused. PP hormones hit a lot harder than I expected in those first 2 weeks. I didn't let on, but it helped to have people around to keep my mind occupied and allow me breaks. DS will stay home longer this time, but we will def have family out to help after that. It should be interesting with a toddler.

mamadcb · February 2017

@GreenBean I think it depends a lot on what your parents expect to be doing while they stay with you. If they envision "helping" by snuggling with the baby and taking lots of pictures, have them stay with your relative

If they will be genuinely helpful (going grocery shopping, preparing meals, doing dishes, laundry, etc) by all means have them stay with you. Your relationship with them is also a factor, and how comfortable you feel with them sharing space with you in a very intimate time -- you'll have lots of hormones, you'll be trying to figure out nursing, you'll be exhausted, you'll want to be in comfy clothes all the time. Some parents would be great in situations like these and others less so.

My dad stayed with us for a week after DS was born. While he was not "in the way," he really did nothing helpful at all. Having him in the house made me more conscious of the baby crying at night, of what I was wearing, of how much time other guests stayed as they came to meet the baby, etc. So the net impact of him staying was negative. It wasn't terrible and I'm glad he got to spend that time with his first grandson, but I wouldn't do it again. Only you know your parents to know how it will go with them!

dancegurl1118 · February 2017

I was topless for like the first week straight because anything touching my nipples was excruciating...so if you plan on BF keep that in mind. Not necessarily your nipples falling off but that you want to be comfortable in your own home trying to learn the ropes of breastfeeding and it may be uncomfortable if you have family staying to "help".

greenbean-2 · February 2017

@chiquita928 @mrsla3 @WeddingNotes13 @mamadcb @dancegurl1118 - thanks for the feedback. You make some really good points, and I hadn't thought about the awkwardness of learning to breastfeed in front of a crowd. I think I'll suggest they wait a few weeks before coming, and if they really can't wait that long, they can stay with relatives nearby and stop by for short visits.

alcrimmins · February 2017

The first few days we didn't have any help but dh was working from home. Then family descended upon us. Dh went back to work, but had a pretty flexible schedule. He didn't want me to be lonely so invited our twelve year old nephew to stay with us and give keep our dog busy. The dog was nine months old and full of energy. Worst experience ever!!!!! This time I'm asking my mom to stay with us to help with our dd who will turn two a month prior. My mom is great about helping and giving space when necessary. I want my mom there to help me transition dd into not having all the attention.

kat0607 · February 2017

The more I think about it, the more I'm scared of tearing (assuming I give birth vaginally, as planned). Has anyone (ST+M) ever used any of those home-remedies for NOT tearing and had them actually work?? I see a lot of suggestions here and elsewhere - massage, oils, etc. - but has anyone ever done either of these consistently and prevented a tear, or ended up with a less severe tear?

dancegurl1118 · February 2017

@kat0607 in my experience, regardless of medicated or non medicated, midwife or OB delivered, it is really rare for a FTM to not tear even a little bit somewhere. The muscle and tissue have never been stretched to that capacity (massages and oils can make the tissue more pliable but it can't stretch you that far). Side-lying for pushing has been found to reduce the tearing but sometimes that's not possible based on baby's heart rate. Usually the subsequent births tear less but often in the same spot just to a lesser degree. I forget if you are a FTM or STM, sorry!

kat0607 · February 2017

@dancegurl1118 I am a FTM, and thanks for the advice! I've heard the same about laying sideways while pushing, but not sure if it'll be possible. Ugh, I really wanted to avoid it but you're right, I guess there's no sure-fire way to get around it, especially as a FTM.

AdaByron · February 2017

I had a difficult experience after birth. I won't go into too many details so as not to scare the FTMs, but my DS was born at 8 am on a Monday, and I don't think I could even get out of bed for 8 hours after that. My legs were numb from the epidural for a long time but I don't have any idea how long it actually was. I didn't take a shower at the hospital until Thursday morning. We went home Thursday evening. I wish I had stayed until Friday.

My SIL came to visit that first weekend. I was really grateful to have her there, because she is the type of person who knows when she's being helpful and when she's in the way. It was nice for H and I to have company while we took turns napping, and to know there was always someone to pass the baby to if I had to run to the bathroom or something. But I am 100% comfortable around my SIL. I probably wouldn't have felt the same way about MIL and FIL, or maybe even my own parents.

PurplePumpernickel · February 2017

So, we just learned that my husband's company updated its paternity leave policy. He gets six weeks, paid. Do STMs suggest us being home together the whole time (I get 12)? Or should we split it up, and keep the baby out of daycare for a bit longer?

dancegurl1118 · February 2017

@PurplePumpernickel I know with our policy all weeks must be taken subsequently for birth. I don't know your policy but it might be worth looking in to! I would definitely recommend at least the first 3 weeks taken together. It's important for dad's bonding just as much as you! And keep in mind usually even a vaginal delivery after birth is 2-3 days in the hospital (and then add on how long labor takes) so that eats up some time there as well. There's really no right answer, it all depends on your family and childcare needs. But those are just a few things to keep in mind! Decisions like that are tough!

glitterfish-2 · February 2017

After my leave is over, DH is going to be #1 caretaker at least 3 days a week, so I definitely think he should be learning the ropes ASAP.

AdaByron · February 2017

PurplePumpernickel said:

So, we just learned that my husband's company updated its paternity leave policy. He gets six weeks, paid. Do STMs suggest us being home together the whole time (I get 12)? Or should we split it up, and keep the baby out of daycare for a bit longer?

After the first week, I was ready for my husband to go back to work. I was just sitting on the couch nursing on demand and watching Netflix all day. And I just preferred to be alone for all of that. He would usually come home on his lunch break if I needed anything, but I never really needed him to.

If your husband is the type who will help out (especially if you're formula feeding so he'll be able to do more) and stay on top of housework, then it might be nice to have him home. But if he's like my husband, it's just going to annoy you when you're feeling like a human cow and can't get a break, and he's napping on the couch most of the day.

Twinkiedoll · February 2017

I'm going to visit my friend who is home with a 2.5 month old later today. I have time to do a little shopping before heading over. Any ideas about what a FTM would want/need most at around that time (besides a nap)?

Dcwtada · February 2017

@adabyron I am so with you, my husband took off a grand total of two days each pregnancy while I was in the hospital and that was more than enough. He is the type of guy that can't be idle and not having an active project or task will drive us both up the wall - and to make it even worse he is not a caretaker by any stretch. Him being home would have been awful. If he ever had paid paternity leave, which he can't get because his line of work is based of commissions and spiffs (75-80% of his salary) he would have to be working on a project and not being a dad if that makes sense.

And please don't read that as him being a bad dad, he loves and spends time with the babies but the work of a stay at home dad or even helping on a full day basis in the beginning would have been torture for us both. He is the hardest worker I know but he is not cut out for caretaking - if I need help he would hire someone before doing it himself.

dancegurl1118 · February 2017

Ah I can totally see that side from what you guys are saying. DH cares for DD the same, if not more than I do based on my work schedule and has the demeanor for it so he was actually invaluable to me when I was home those first few weeks! When he went back (I think it was 2 weeks...not sure..seemed much shorter) I was so upset.

AdaByron · February 2017

@Dcwtada I'll add to that, the other side of the coin, my H is great at taking care of our son, NOW. But those first few weeks neither of us had any idea what we were doing so he just wasn't going to step in like "here, let me help you with that," unless I specifically asked him to. It was all me for about the first month (also because I was breastfeeding), then H started to get more comfortable once we introduced occasional bottles.

I'm a firm believer that the best way to learn how to take care of your child is to be alone with your child. For both moms and dads. You just have to figure out what works and IMO that's easier and less stressful when there's nobody else there watching you try and fail while you figure it out.

My DS got sick at around 3 months. It was the first day of school for me, so I really couldn't stay home with him. H had to stay home with sick baby, took him to the doctor, got sent to the Children's Hospital for additional testing, and had to do it 100% on his own. It must have been terrible for him, but it was definitely a turning point for him, and after that he was a lot more comfortable/confident when it came to solo parenting.

tuxielove93 · February 2017

@AdaByron and @Dcwtada I feel kind of dumb for not thinking about this before hand, but my husband is probably going to be more of an aggravation in those first days than a comfort. I love having him around, but he does NOT like to do housework, normally can't find anything, and will spend his time at home monopolizing the computer and television. I'm sure he is going to be an amazing father when the kids can interact back, and really is an amazing husband, but when it comes to house stuff it's way less stressful for me to just do everything myself. He tends to put off doing stuff as long as possible, doesn't clean dishes as well as I want him to, doesn't really clean anything that well. Now I'm glad I changed my mind and got my MIL and mom lined up. Thanks for reminding me.

OperaSingerMommy · February 2017

@Twinkiedoll I'd bring diapers, wipes, and a nice meal for her so she doesn't need to make lunch or cook dinner! Then offer to hold baby as much as possible while you're there so she can get a break. You're a good friend!

Dcwtada · February 2017

lol I am pretty sure there is no hope when it comes to my DH. When we met, he had a 6 year old that he routinely cared for solo on weekends since him and his ex separated when the child was 2. He can handle caring for all of them if he needs to, well keep them alive at least, but it is not a strength of his. He loves being with the babies and our SS but lengthy periods of caring for them drives him up a wall.

And I'll never complain because he does things I have no desire to do including routing out sewers and the clean-up. He works hard all the time. I don't know how to describe it but he has two modes - one is so driven that his idea of relaxing is to rehab a house (after work or on a Sunday afternoon) and the other is when he is done for day, basically not moving other than to use the facilities.

tuxielove93 · February 2017

@Dcwtada That's mine too. If he has a project he's working on, you can't pull him away from it, but if he isn't motivated, forget it. He makes an indent in the couch.

Cynth0104 · February 2017

I went into labor with my son on a Friday. My husband took Friday off and was back to work on Monday. I am assuming he will do the same with this one. My dad is coming out before my due date to help (not sure what to help with, but he wants to be here).

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