Big year for me and my fiance ahead

HeidiTx1979 · January 2017

Hi! I found out I was pregnant in early November. I honestly didn't think it was possible due to other heath complications, but here we are 14 weeks later. I'm excited and so is my fiance, however I'm constantly stressing about life's changes ahead. For starters, he doesn't have a job. He's looking now, though not as hard as I think he should be looking. It's causing a lot of arguments as a result. I can't help but pick apart and nag everything I think he is doing wrong and what I think he should be doing instead. Has anybody ever been in this position before?

I know there are some couples that go the role reversal route (dad staying home). I don't make enough to support him and a child. Plus, he's extremely smart and well educated. My hormones are raging & I find myself being being really mean because he hasn't landed anything. I'd like to start a baby budget (among other things) but just can't until he lands something.

Last night he made a comment along the lines "are you going to ask me about this every day!? I can't do this if that's your plan." --- then threatened to just get a job at McDonald's. He's 43 with a MBA in finance.. get real. I dropped it but I do want daily updates. AM I being unreasonable? Any other advice appreciated.

PurplePoppy424 · January 2017

Hi! Congratulations on your pregnancy! Personally, I have a hard time saying one way or the other if you're being unreasonable. I don't know either of you and I don't know what you're definitions of working hard enough would be. I agree that him obtaining a job is incredibly important, but from a relationship standpoint, nagging, nit picking and "being mean" is not going to get what you want. It's only going to cause problems in your relationship and your fiancé is going to start resenting you. I totally understand why you're frustrated, especially being pregnant, but the two of you have to work together to figure things out or your relationship will be doomed to fail. I'd start by sitting down and explaining to him why you're stressed and feeling overwhelmed and then come up with a game plan together on how to help him find a job.

TalesOfASocialIntrovert · January 2017

First, I don't understand why you would wait to make a baby budget. Kid is coming whether your fiance finds a job or not.

Second, if the dude wants to get a job at McDonald's bc he can't get hired elsewhere (for whatever reason), then go for it. Again, kids coming whether or not he has a job.

Third, hormones are a bitch but that's no excuse to treat your SO like crap. My DH was off work for 9 months (6 years ago) and for as hard as it was on me and our relationship, I was ten fold worse for him. Did he want to not be able to support his family? No! He tried to find work and eventually switched career fields temporarily. But I gotta tell you - if he thought a job at McDonalds, or a gas station, or whatever would make him feel better, and help contribute financially, then I would have supported him fully. Period.

Forth, and this one's unsolicited, remember that marriage is hard and will be sure to bring harder times than this.

Lastly, I smell MUD.

TalesOfASocialIntrovert · January 2017

HeidiTx1979 said:

Hi! I found out I was pregnant in early November. I honestly didn't think it was possible due to other heath complications, but here we are 14 weeks later. I'm excited and so is my fiance, however I'm constantly stressing about life's changes ahead. For starters, he doesn't have a job. He's looking now, though not as hard as I think he should be looking. It's causing a lot of arguments as a result. I can't help but pick apart and nag everything I think he is doing wrong and what I think he should be doing instead. Has anybody ever been in this position before?

I know there are some couples that go the role reversal route (dad staying home). I don't make enough to support him and a child. Plus, he's extremely smart and well educated. My hormones are raging & I find myself being being really mean because he hasn't landed anything. I'd like to start a baby budget (among other things) but just can't until he lands something.

Last night he made a comment along the lines "are you going to ask me about this every day!? I can't do this if that's your plan." --- then threatened to just get a job at McDonald's. He's 43 with a MBA in finance.. get real. I dropped it but I do want daily updates. AM I being unreasonable? Any other advice appreciated.

Forgo to QFP

Itsnotyourturn · January 2017

What do you plan to do with the info from these daily updates?

oheliza44 · January 2017

Sorry you are dealing with this, it sound like a stressful situation. Since you asked for advice, here's my two cents:

Nothing makes me more angry than people who are in dire financial situations but think certain jobs are beneath them because of their credentials or work history. Having some source of income is better than none and with 6 months to go in your pregnancy (followed by a maternity leave which may or may not be paid) he doesn't have a lot of time to rest on his high horse about this issue. Why doesn't he get a temporary or contract job why he is looking for more permanent employment? My husband and I are both highly educated and work in competitive fields. With that said, we both would take a part-time or fast food job in a heartbeat if that meant keeping food on our table and a roof over our heads. It's just that simple.

IMO this thread would fit perfectly in some of our established weekly threads, rather than a stand-alone post. If you've been lurking for a while you will see that we have been inundated with random threads lately and they haven't been well received.

Best of luck to you, I hope you guys figure it out.

JmUDuuuukes 07 · January 2017

I'm calling MUD.

ashaw512 · January 2017

Cool story bro.

virginiaunicorn11 · January 2017

I am going to answer because I have been in this situation. It is beyond stressful, and will challenge your relationship to its core. Ok, now get ready for tough love:

Yes, daily updates are unreasonable. Absolutely ridiculous. You are being awful, and you are making a bad situation worse. Being unemployed is extremely stressful. Being a male, unemployed while his partner is pregnant means (most likely) that he is failing to meet every standard of manhood that society has taught him from birth, right or wrong. My husband is a huge feminist. So is our male marriage counselor. Both have told me this aspect of unemployment is very hard, even for the most enlightened men.

Google "supporting an unemployed partner." There are great tips. Your job is to be his teammate, his cheerleader, his rock. You are not his career counselor, his mother, his boss. Stop acting like it.

If you know and agree that he is capable of finding a good career of a certain level, then I think that's fair to wait for the right fit, even if that takes longer. Discuss a timeline at which point he will accept a job that is not his career choice but will bring income (retail, McDonald's, whatever) while he keeps searching. You're probably looking at 6 months.

Then shut up. Smile. Be supportive. Find a friend or another outlet to nag and vent to, but do not say a word to him other than encouragement. When you slip up, apologize as soon as you can, and get back to being supportive. If you can't do this, see a counselor.

And do not get married yet. This is one of those "for worse" times that you will vow to be with him. If you can't be his partner through this, don't be his partner. Stop thinking about "I" and start being a "we." Either this is the right partner for you, and you can and should trust that a man competent enough to get an MBA can get a job...or you don't, and then you need to evaluate why you are with him.

Maybe I am projecting some of my shit onto you. Maybe you're a weird couple who will bond through nagging. I don't know, internet stranger. But my $0.02 is you need to put your big girl panties on, and be a better partner.

dancegurl1118 · January 2017

@virginiaunicorn11

LoveLee85 · January 2017

I feel like our bmb gets trolled by randoms I have never seen post anywhere, every other day?!?! What the heck?

mrscate88 · January 2017

LoveLee85 said:

I feel like our bmb gets trolled by randoms I have never seen post anywhere, every other day?!?! What the heck?

Yeah it's getting old. If you check the troll's profile stats, they never have posted anything anywhere or supported any thread, and then they appear randomly with weird situations or requests (like this one).

Yes, it may be because they're brand new to TB, but we're all hesitant because of the track record of things like this. I don't get it either!!

mrscate88 · January 2017

My advice is to introduce yourself on the Introduction board and get familiar with our group if you expect to get support here. We have a LOT of trolls asking random questions and starting drama every day, and we don't care for that around here. Congrats on your pregnancy, and I hope things get better for you guys financially.

mrscate88 · January 2017

ashaw512 said:

Cool story bro.

So I bought my hubby this tshirt as a joke that says "Cool story babe, now go make me a sandwich"...because he has ADD and he loves sandwiches. He wore it to dinner one night and this adorable old couple laugh at it and the husband says, I hope you never say that to your wife! They had been married 50 years, it was such a cute memory.

SaphireSweetie88 · January 2017

HeidiTx1979 said:

Hi! I found out I was pregnant in early November. I honestly didn't think it was possible due to other heath complications, but here we are 14 weeks later. Congrats! I'm excited and so is my fiance, however I'm constantly stressing about life's changes ahead. Life is always going to have changes - try not to stress about them. For starters, he doesn't have a job. He's looking now, though not as hard as I think he should be looking. What is he not doing that you think he should be? It's causing a lot of arguments as a result. I can't help but pick apart and nag everything I think he is doing wrong and what I think he should be doing instead. That is NOT going to help and will make him less likely to want to try since he will be feeling down on himself. Has anybody ever been in this position before? Yes I have. There was a period of 2 years where DH was in an out of work every couple months.

I know there are some couples that go the role reversal route (dad staying home). I don't make enough to support him and a child. Plus, he's extremely smart and well educated. My hormones are raging & I find myself being being really mean because he hasn't landed anything. That's not an excuse. Put your big girl panties on and start supporting him. Help him find leads for jobs and applications. I'd like to start a baby budget (among other things) but just can't until he lands something. Start one now with the income / money saved / etc you have and then adjust it when he does get a job.

Last night he made a comment along the lines "are you going to ask me about this every day!? I can't do this if that's your plan." --- then threatened to just get a job at McDonald's. He's 43 with a MBA in finance.. get real. What's the problem with him getting a job at McDonalds while he continues looking for a different job in his field? It would be income that you're currently not getting. I dropped it but I do want daily updates. AM I being unreasonable? In my opinion - Yes Any other advice appreciated. Chill out and try supporting him (not nagging and demanding daily updates) and start acting like his partner - not his mother and see what happens.

@HeidiTx1979 See my comments in bold.

abmommy15 · January 2017

Yes you are being unreasonable. This is the person you have chosen to be your partner through all the great and shitty things life has to offer. You need to be a partner to him and understand that he probably feels like a total failure. Your nagging and picking fights are only going to make him feel worse. If he spends every day watching tv in his underwear scratching his backside then you can be upset but if he's trying then you support him. That's what marriage is all about.

KissMeImScottish · January 2017

@virginiaunicorn11, seriously, my hero right now.

AnnaKaie · January 2017

Yes, you have to take a step back. I have been where you are. At a worse time. The April before I was due in June with our first baby my husband found himself without a job. Its a long story on how he lost his job but it was not his fault.

Yes, stop asking him about it every day. He knows the situation. He knows its important. My husband felt like it was his fault we were in that position even though it wasn't. He was the man of the house and was suppose to take care of us. It was extremely hard for him. I didn't care what job he found. Minimum wage is better than no wage!! And is easier to get hired if you are coming from another job. Let him do his thing.

PurplePumpernickel · January 2017

OP, I have no idea if you're actually reading this or just made this post up, but here is my $.02. I've been in your fiance's position. No, there wasn't a baby on the way, but I was out of a job, with a graduate degree, desperate to just get out there and be productive. If he wants to get a job at McDonalds or Starbucks or somewhere else to bring in a little extra income as he continues to search for something in his field, let him. It shows great initiative and that he's a decent person because he doesn't think that stuff is beneath him.

Dcwtada · January 2017

Seriously @virginiaunicorn11 you should be a counselor - I may PM you if I ever need some good advice and truth.

realgoodthing · January 2017

UO here, but I'm so confused about why everyone thinks daily updates are bad! Maybe my husband and I are the weird ones, but we tell each other all about our days and when not working, that includes what jobs we applied to or work we did on that. To me, it feels like a red flag that OP's husband isn't forthcoming with it. That being said, I don't think nagging is the way to get it - my read here is that you guys need to be communicating in a more open and nonjudgmental way in general.

Dcwtada · January 2017

@leilac I don't think the consensus here is daily updates or communication is a bad thing, I know personally my DH and I share daily details almost to a tedium. What it seemed to come across was that her fiancée needed to update or report in on his job search because she was unsatisfied with his progress so far and felt he wasn't doing enough to the point he was just going to take a job at McDonalds to stop the nagging. There is a huge difference between being communicative and nagging/demanding someone update you like they would an irresponsible child. I would never demand my husband to update me or check in, we do so because we want to share our lives, not because I am nagging him on his progress.

PurplePoppy424 · January 2017

leilac said:

UO here, but I'm so confused about why everyone thinks daily updates are bad! Maybe my husband and I are the weird ones, but we tell each other all about our days and when not working, that includes what jobs we applied to or work we did on that. To me, it feels like a red flag that OP's husband isn't forthcoming with it. That being said, I don't think nagging is the way to get it - my read here is that you guys need to be communicating in a more open and nonjudgmental way in general.

It would be because she's not wanting it to help, she's wanting it to control him and if she doesn't like the answer he gives, she'll get angry with him. There's a difference between communication and controlling. She's trying to parent him instead of being his partner.

PurplePoppy424 · January 2017

@virginiaunicorn11 I just developed a serious bump crush on you. That hits everything perfectly.

SaphireSweetie88 · January 2017

leilac said:

UO here, but I'm so confused about why everyone thinks daily updates are bad! Maybe my husband and I are the weird ones, but we tell each other all about our days and when not working, that includes what jobs we applied to or work we did on that. To me, it feels like a red flag that OP's husband isn't forthcoming with it. That being said, I don't think nagging is the way to get it - my read here is that you guys need to be communicating in a more open and nonjudgmental way in general.

Daily updates are great @leilac so I agree with you there, but in this situation she wants to use it to control (and I am assuming to find more reasons to say he's not good enough / trying enough) him instead of support and that is not okay.

ginger1228 · January 2017

@leilac - your post would be great in the UO thread and would probably get more responses there.

Haha I'm totally kidding.

SPurp13 · January 2017

ashaw512 said:

Cool story bro.

I love you...and I just realized you were banned. Come back...

SPurp13 · January 2017

But, OP, are you coming back? I need to know if your husband got that job at McD's or if we are all awful and you feel sorry for our husbands.

HeidiTx1979 · January 2017

Wow! Thank you for all the responses. Sorry for the delay, but I couldn't find where I posted this - I had to locate my profile just to find my post. I'm new, can you tell? :-)
@Virginiaunicorn - thank you for bringing me back to reality. You made a lot of good points that make me realize I've been unreasonable. Even though I sort of knew I was being irrational (it happens a lot lately). I will be more supportive - after reading these replies I feel embarrassed by my meltdown.

Thank you for all the harsh, but needed replies - I needed to hear it. My real life friends often fall short worried they will hurt my feelings.

P.S. What does "I smell mud" mean? Also, is there an acronym guide for this site?

virginiaunicorn11 · January 2017

HeidiTx1979 said:

Wow! Thank you for all the responses. Sorry for the delay, but I couldn't find where I posted this - I had to locate my profile just to find my post. I'm new, can you tell? :-)
@Virginiaunicorn - thank you for bringing me back to reality. You made a lot of good points that make me realize I've been unreasonable. Even though I sort of knew I was being irrational (it happens a lot lately). I will be more supportive - after reading these replies I feel embarrassed by my meltdown.

Thank you for all the harsh, but needed replies - I needed to hear it. My real life friends often fall short worried they will hurt my feelings.

P.S. What does "I smell mud" mean? Also, is there an acronym guide for this site?

Right on, lady!!! What a gracious response.

Confession: Two days ago, I gave my husband a ton of shit because I decided he wasn't working hard enough to find a job. (Yes, even after my post to you. I am such a HYPOCRITE!! ) We got in a big fight. I apologized profusely within 15 minutes.

The next day, he got his ass in gear and has two good prospects on the table, and has three networking events lined up. He kind of needed the kick in the butt, but he needed it in a supportive way, not a nagging way.

I think this fighting cycle is probably normal. This is why I said to apologize as soon as you can when you slip up. We are human, and unemployment (with a baby on the way, no less), is so so stressful.

Wishing you guys so much luck and success!!

PS, MUD is "made up drama." There's an acronym list somewhere but I forget where. Maybe someone else can help you find it.

KissMeImScottish · January 2017

That was my first thought, too, @virginiaunicorn11. Very, very gracious, @HeidiTx1979. As someone else has said on another thread, you can definitely sit with us!

HeidiTx1979 · January 2017

AH! Too funny... I wish it were MUD :-) I think backing off is helping - at least it's helping me not to stress about things out of my control.
I read somewhere it might be a good idea to give a name to my new split personality disorder (the emotional mood swings). I'm going to try that next time it happens and hopefully it will be something we can laugh at after apologizing.
Thank you all again!

RunRestRepeat · January 2017

@HeidiTx1979 I'll join in on the kudos for coming back on with a great response. Hopefully you can find your way around and join us on some other threads!

Dcwtada · January 2017

@HeidiTx1979 if you have ever seen fried green tomatoes you will appreciate as soon as I read your last comment "Towanda" immediately jumped in my head. I might have to use that myself. My husband won't get it but somehow that makes it even better.

plumpous · January 2017

Why do you guys treat every random poster as a troll? Not everyone is looking to be part of the community. Sometimes people just want help with a question. It's not as if when you join the bump they give you a set of requirements. Our group has guidelines that someone took upon themselves to create but it doesn't mean we have to automatically assume newcomers are malicious. We can kindly remind them to read about where to post things but I just can't get over how much you guys complain about randoms. It's like such not a big deal.

Dcwtada · January 2017

Dude. @plumpous you are the one stirring up drama now. She recieved some good responses and had a productive conversation and very thoughtful advice. I believe she got the help and support she needed

If you don't want to be part of a community then why sign up and use a community focused forum. If you just want an answer to a question or advice there are forums for that, yahoo answers pops to the top of mind or better yet, bounce your questions or issues off family and friends. This is meant to be a community not a panel for questions/advice.

If OP is happy with the support and responses why are you white knighting?

Edited because apparently I don't do periods.... that would explain why I have been pregnant 3 times in the last 3 years

jlh23love · January 2017

Wow. I have reported 2 people before over being hateful. No one should ever have to be spoken to like what some of you are doing to this lady.Espically hiding behind a cellphone, or computer screen.

PurplePoppy424 · January 2017

Sigh.

Dcwtada · January 2017

**Removed for TOU violation**

glitterfish-2 · January 2017

And I'm reporting you people stirring up drama now, so how's that?

RunRestRepeat · January 2017

@plumpous and @jlh23love I'm all for standing up for others, but we were ALL already past that here. OP came back on and said she APPRECIATED the tough love she got here, and everyone was happy. It was over, we all hoped OP would get more involved in the community, and life is good. Leave it at that.

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