@jennielynn+ Thank you. And I think that's a good idea. Because moms all grieve so differently it might be good to ask her if she wants to even bring it up, but letting her know you're available to talk is huge, even if she doesn't take you up on it. From talking to other mamas who have lost, I've learned it really just helps to have someone recognize the life you held, the realness of your love, and the legitimacy of your grief. Whether an early loss or a late. I think your friend will appreciate it, but be aware that she may not take you up on it. But women all feel different about it.
@cafedisco that's such a loaded question for me haha. I always have seasonal depression anyway, and the weather has been so horrible. Christmas is no fun and exhausting. It's not good. But on the plus side, I have to use my accumulated vacation days before the end of the year and I'll have six days off from this Wednesday to next Tuesday. I think that will give me a boost.
We are going to France for Christmas so will be a bit cold, which I never like. And the family always likes to go on big walks in the cold, brrrr..... but I just bought a pair of Ugg Avery boots yesterday and they are the warmest and most comfortable things ever, so that lifted my mood considerably! Also have a super grip so very safe for pregnant ladies. Bring on the snow!
Me: 35 year old FTM, a busy city banker living in London, and a constant worrier. My DH: French guy, car fanatic, best husband ever. Our baby boy: Due on 17 April, currently 37 weeks. I can't believe it - I made it to full term!!!! Last measurement: 3150 gs at 37+1! This is going to be a big baby
Christmastime is my favorite time of year by far, so the cold/shorter days doesn't really start bothering me until later in the winter. The only thing that's stressing me out lately is my in-laws visiting for the holiday. My MIL always says the weirdest, most passive-aggressive things but it has gotten worse during this pregnancy (or maybe I am just more sensitive) and I am not looking forward to her comments. Silver lining is they live 2,000 miles away so we only see them a few times a year Also, happy to report my SSRI's have started kicking in and my anxiety is definitely improving.
@SDSwenson I have considered one. I've always hesitated based on needing to research their safety and effectiveness. On the other hand, my grandmother suffered from SAD far worse than I and claimed hers helped. So I may need to get one.
@kitkat8387 I'm so glad your SSRI is working well! Any negative side effects?
@HGRich my blues get amplified in winter too. If you do try a lamp, I'd be curious to hear how it helps. I took vitamin D in high dose for a few winters but I couldn't say I noticed a difference.
Me: 31 DH: 36 Married 5 years DD born 8/30/13 #2 expected 4/25/17
I'll answer you here @smallanimal in case anyone is using the title of the mental health thread to avoid triggers. I have vacation days to use so I'm enjoying getting to be myself at home and not have to keep wearing the happy Christmas face at work. Sometime last week I realized that I can be all organized and excited in future christmases and this year, if the only Christmas card I send is to my brother in prison, so be it. If I can't find an extra gift for my MIL or DH's grandma outside of the family gift then so be it--I'm making a grandbaby/great-grandbaby for them so I've done my part. Haha.
So I've decided to give myself the grace to not be excited about Christmas or on top of it. My MIL even told me I don't need to bring any food to Christmas, and I suspect she knows how I'm feeling. I'm just telling myself it's ok to not feel like I have to be happy at Christmas or enjoy all the traditions. I'll just make it through this year and God willing have a happy Christmas with my 8-month old next year.
As far as the due date, it's so hard. I was supposed to be 39+2 today! But I keep reminding myself how grateful I am to have this little one. Interestingly, viability day for her is the day before my original due date. It's crazy. DH took the day off on the EDD and he and I will take some time together to reflect and then do something fun. I've actually been blogging through the process since the loss, and have had several other angel mamas comment on it and share how it has helped them too. So I'll probably write one more entry and then perhaps be finished. I think it will give me closure, and then perhaps will be easier for me. I don't know. But either way, it will be over soon, and I'm doing better thinking about it as it gets closer than I was a couple of weeks ago.
Thanks for asking/letting me vent. It's a weird Christmas this year.
@HGRich actually I wanted to ask in this thread, just made a mistake. So glad you moved the answer back.
You know, it's perfectly OK not to be excited about christmas! It's over hyped anyhow. I am sure when the day itself comes, you will have a lovely time with your family. And about the EDD, it's nice to remember and set time aside. I kind of wish I had done that.
Glad to hear it's getting a bit better. Tell us more if you feel like it. Hugs
Silly moment of the day: I just looked at your signature and thought, hey, she cannot be 23+2, she has the same EDD as I do - then I realised, omg, I am also 23+2!! Time flies
Me: 35 year old FTM, a busy city banker living in London, and a constant worrier. My DH: French guy, car fanatic, best husband ever. Our baby boy: Due on 17 April, currently 37 weeks. I can't believe it - I made it to full term!!!! Last measurement: 3150 gs at 37+1! This is going to be a big baby
@smallanimal thank you. I'm amazed how much of the expectation for Christmas is placed on myself and how freeing it is to let go of that. Though when you work at a church, Christmas is everything, so it's hard to avoid unless using vacation days! Haha. And yes, time is flying!
@cafedisco I was seriously nauseous for the first few days I was on it, but luckily that passed. Now just mainly dealing with the low sex drive thing, but its pretty hard to tell whether it's a side effect of the medicine or me just being tired and feeling fat
Just thought I'd re-open in case anyone (like myself) has been dealing with anything...
I've been having some extreme anxiety the last few days. I don't like not knowing things. I am starting to freak out that the baby could come anytime and I'm not ready. I've been told there's no way I'll make it to 40 weeks, that I won't be allowed to work up until birth, but on the other hand I've been given no timeline and told I won't be induced unless necessary. I'm confused. I'm terrified of when I get my Group B Strep test that my Dr. will also do a cervical check (which I think is normal and probably necessary) that it will be weird, awkward, and hurt. I have a fear that I won't be groomed properly and legs shaved or that my feet will be dirty from work or omg what if I fart when he's up in there?! Before pregnancy, I'm the kind of person who needs a Xanax just to get me into the Dr's office. I've dealt with all things pregnancy related very well (while on my daily anxiety meds) but as I get closer and closer I have these moments. Like sick to my stomach, could cry moments and I hate it. How do I get myself out of this funk?
@Nolegirl1185 So sorry you are struggling with the unknowns right now regarding delivery. I would feel the same way, seems like you are getting two different sets of information. Hopefully you can get some answers at an upcoming appointment.
Mentally I am doing better on some ends. People's comments aren't bothering me as much (or maybe they hit me on a less hormonal day ). I am struggling with how little time is left and how much needs to be done. Realistically, most of it is stuff that doesn't HAVE to be done, but the nesting in me wants it done. Unfortunately, DH isn't much help on weeknights. It really frustrates me. Then on weekends he goes all out on projects that interest him/I usually don't view them priorities.
At at this point I feel as though my mentality is that I am also nervous for the Group B test and all of the internals, but I am just ready for all of it to be over. Get me to labor, let's get the process started, and get this baby out. I felt a huge sense of relief after we left our shower this weekend because that was the last time I had to be pregnant around family. I felt like I was trying to be my old self all weekend/not complain, when really my feet were incredibly swollen and I was exhausted.
That was all a bit random, in general I think the worry part of my brain is being dominated by my "let's get down to business" part and pretend like none of this is a big issue.
@Nolegirl1185 I wouldn't be hard on yourself. I don't care who you are--having a baby and facing all that change is anxiety inducing! And if you already struggle with anxiety, then it's even less surprising that you're feeling all the weight of it. And I for one think you've been a champ keeping a positive attitude and sense of humor through the pregnancy while continuing to work a tough job with high blood pressure.
Now, that's not to say that you should just let yourself feel whatever and fall apart either. That's not gonna work. But you know what I mean I think. That it's good that you see you're struggling and want to do something about it, but also, don't beat yourself up.
I will say for myself, that my hormones seem to have really leveled a bit and I've been much more even-keeled the last three or so weeks. I still feel so freaked out about how much there is to do to get ready, but I know a lot of those expectations are self-inflicted and that a lot of it is my own perfectionism. If I can trust that even if this baby did come early for some reason, she would be fine, we would figure it out, then it's easier for me to relax. But I'm still having moments of fear and anxiety that I think are perfectly normal for a FTM who's never been through labor or the newborn stage or anything.
My biggest fears are about losing her still (PGAL brain persists even into week 32...), about PPD, and about the sheer loneliness of adjusting to my new life.
@wagnerw and @HGRich Thank you for the response and reminding me that it's okay to feel this way. I found out over the weekend that my appointment this week is with the NP not the Dr. so that upset me. I love the NP, she's wonderful, but I feel like I can get more set in stone answers from the Dr. than from her. However, I do feel a bit more comfortable asking her more personal (cervical check stuff) than I do the Dr. so maybe it's a good thing.
I typically feel like how you are describing your recent weeks @wagnerw, I've been able to let stuff slide and roll off and just take it all how it comes. I haven't had any strong anxiety feelings about any "surprises" that have come up with being sent to the hospital several times, these extra tests, etc etc so I THOUGHT I was doing well. Perhaps I'm just having a couple hormonal days and my anxiety is getting the best of me. I totally cried in the gas station parking lot on Saturday because going inside, getting a slurpee, two waters, and mac n cheese proved to be too much. I got back to the car out of breath and in so much pain I started crying because I hate how helpless I feel.
@HGRich I'm glad you've been able to see through the complaints and rants haha...I'm really not an unhappy person! This is such a wonderful outlet for all things, positive or negative, and at times I worry I'm viewed as complaining too much. I also think my job and the stress of high blood pressure is starting to really weigh on me. The last few weeks at work have been insane and this week is no different. On top of teaching like normal, I have 3 Dr's appointments, 2 parent conferences, and 4 work meetings. I will not have a lunch or planning any day this week and have to leave immediately after work for 2 of the Dr's appointments. I just feel overwhelmed with SO MUCH on my plate. I also have 2 dinners planned with friends this week, both of which have been rescheduled already and I feel like I can't cancel or reschedule again. They want to catch up and give us stuff for the baby and I don't want to seem unappreciative.
Wow...it helps to get it all out! lol
I'm glad that the "let's get this done!" side is taking over more than the nerves for you, @wagnerw. Send some of that my way
@HGRich I'm so glad that things have evened out a bit for you. I think being able to have DH back to good health and your foot not being SO much of a pain in the butt helps. I can only imagine how stressful those weeks were. Perfectionism does tend to get the best of us sometimes, but I don't doubt for a second that you will be an amazing mom and you will find your way! I think for us FTM's it's a bit nerve-wracking not knowing what to truly expect in any aspect. I do not know what it's like to be PGAL, but I think that your worry is natural. And I will continue to keep you in my prayers to ease some of that worry.
Seriously, thanks ladies! I needed the vent sesh and reassurance
@Nolegirl1185 not knowing when you will deliver or even a timeline is incredibly hard, especially since you've not had the easiest of pregnancies to begin with....as for the cervical exams, I would personally question them or at least bring up your concerns. I didn't have a single cervical exam until labor and I regret even those (they are incredibly painful, for me. Not sure if that's true for everyone. It also caused a TON of undue stress in labor about how far along I was). I would do a bit of reading on your own and really question if there is some medical reason to do one. I've known women who had an exam and were told they were dilated and softened and then still didn't go into labor for weeks....
As for your general anxiety around doctors, I'm wondering what the game plan is for you during labor? The logical side of your brain can tend to shut off, so even if you've been managing that anxiety well throughout pregnancy, it may be harder during labor. I'm not trying to add stress, I just think it's something to bring up to your doctor and maybe even to write some things into your birth plan so that you feel a bit more confident walking into it. You'll do great, but I've found it always helps to have a bit of a plan to help reduce anxiety.
Also, please make sure your wonderful husband has some info now on PPD...just in case.
For myself, I'm on a very tiny dose of Zoloft due to the nausea it caused. It's helping a bit. I don't even think my mood is related to baby arrival specifically, my hormones are just so out of whack. I just found out that I'm getting a 20% bonus this fall. I had planned on leaving my teaching job to seek out something more stable in terms on working environment but this is too much money on the table for us to turn down. So that's a bit of a bummer right now. Another school year to power through with a newborn to boot. I'm just trying to not borrow worry until it actually comes.
Me: 31 DH: 36 Married 5 years DD born 8/30/13 #2 expected 4/25/17
@cafedisco Between the baby and hormones, we have no say with our bodies anymore! I'm glad the Zoloft is helping a little bit. A 20% bonus sounds amazing! I'm sorry that comes along with another year of teaching you weren't prepared to take on. I'm sure it will be worth it in end. What type of job were you looking to move into? Sometimes I wonder how long I can keep up with teaching, especially with a child.
Thanks for the heads up about the cervical exams. I will ask on Friday when I go in. I'm wondering if they will find it necessary because of my high blood pressure... I originally was going to ask to not have them done at all, but then not knowing worried me lol.
I think I will also bring up the anxiety around Dr's and labor, you are definitely right. I did slightly mention it at my last appointment. My Dr. asks every appointment how the anxiety is and how I'm doing on the Lexapro and the answer is always great, no new anxiety etc. (Which has been true until now). I did tell him that I'm getting nervous about labor and delivery and not knowing when baby will be here, but that I'm not experiencing the anxiety symptoms and his response was "We will be by your side the entire time and you will do great". I think I need to be a little clearer that my anxiety is more than just a little nerves now.
I have warned DH about PPD many times and have pretty much decided I WILL have it. Obviously it would be great if I didn't, but I just have a feeling with my anxiety I might. I don't get depression though so maybe not. I need to look up some specific things for him to look out for just in case. I'm happy to say that I am the kind of person that will 100% admit if feel something is wrong. But I do want him prepared in case I don't recognize it in myself.
@Nolegirl1185 it's perfectly ok to feel this way. I am also dealing with the same anxiety, due to bigger than usual baby. I have seen a therapist about it and she determined that I have what's called catastrophic thinking syndrome - I always imagine the worst possible (even if unrealistic) scenario, and then fixate on it. I have been like this all my life, pregnancy just exacerbated it, and now I am happy that I know what it is - and have been given some tools and ideas to cope. I think @HGRich your pgal fears must be similar - your pregnancy is going fine, why would you lose your precious little baby? even if they came right away, they would be ok! - but I get it completely, because I am freaking out too.
As for your fear about doctors, I have similar and I got told this will all go in L&D, and that giving birth actually cures us doctorphobics!! And it kind of makes sense: normally doctors do procedures to find out x, to cure y, etc. But this time, whatever happens, happens for a real and beautiful reason and there will be a reward at the end of it! it's all done for your baby, not for you - and for me, that makes it all easier to bear.
It's perfectly fine to feel down. It's perfectly fine to say that being pregnant is not easy, because it is not! It's perfectly fine to admit that it is difficult to cope both physically and mentally. Everyone struggles to some extent, every single pregnant person. Whoever say they do not, they are lying, or, like my mom, their pregnancy was so long ago that they have genuinely forgotten!!!
I know I am not "glowing" most days, I know I am not "the prettiest I have ever been" like some mothers claim to be/feel. I waddle, I am slow, and when I am in pain, it shows on my face, so I even *look* grumpy. My bum has grown, my thighs are larger than ever, I have to sit down every once in a while , this is not easy. It's amazing, it's wonderful, but not easy and we just need to remember this. In some languages, pregnant women are called the equivalent of "with burden" - a bit nicer word, but it refers to carrying extra and having a burden on you (without calling a baby burden, not sure if this makes sense - it does not have a negative connotation). For a reason!
And as the time goes by, more and more I cannot wait to see my little boy whom I adore more than anything already. But at the same time, I also cannot wait to have my body back. I want to be able to move around without hurting another person. I want a huge can of redbull and liver pate on crusty bread. I want runny eggs. I want to be able to get on the treadmill and run for an hour. I want to sleep on my back again.
And there is nothing wrong with feeling like this. So no, you are not complaining too much - that's what this place is for - to help eachother. You helped me when I was down and scared - we are here for eachother, none of us are perfect, we all have our battles, but this is a lovely bunch of women here and one thing that I learnt in the last 7 month is you always get support when you come here
(hormonal emotional rant over)
Me: 35 year old FTM, a busy city banker living in London, and a constant worrier. My DH: French guy, car fanatic, best husband ever. Our baby boy: Due on 17 April, currently 37 weeks. I can't believe it - I made it to full term!!!! Last measurement: 3150 gs at 37+1! This is going to be a big baby
@Nolegirl1185- talk to your Dr. about the cervical checks. Some offices don't consider it necessary. I had one in the office about 38 weeks with DS, and they didn't hurt until I was actually in L&D. I actually like to know how dilated/effaced I am, even though I am fully aware that doesn't necessarily mean I am anywhere near delivery. The strep B test doesn't hurt at all, it is just a cotton swab. I get a little anxiety before my appointments, afraid I'm not "groomed" enough, etc, but I always have to think to myself- "these doctors have seen so much worse than me".
My anxiety about returning to work after baby has returned with a vengeance. Right after Christmas, DH and I broke down our spending habits, bills, budget, etc, and determined that it would be best for me to go back to work for 6 months to a year, while we work on paying down our student loan debt. I felt good about it. Then, my 1st babysitter had a stroke a couple of months ago, and we still don't know if she will be rehabilitated by mid-summer, even though she really wants to watch our kids again. My 2nd sitter just got a 2nd interview for a great job, so we may not have her in the next couple of weeks. We cannot afford daycare in my area, DH and I dont have the same schedule, so our babysitters are only part time. Daycare would basically take my entire take-home pay. So once again, I am freaking out about what we are going to do for childcare. Sorry for the rant.
@Nolegirl1185 Lots of great advice from previous posters. I know I definitely need reassurance sometimes (whether from DH, from my mama friends, from this fabulous group) that any feelings of sadness or anxiety I'm having (often just made worse by those who tell you to "enjoy every moment while it lasts") is normal and okay. That's what we're here for. You are definitely not complaining too much.
I'd definitely check with your doc as others suggested re: the cervical checks - I was just told by my OB yesterday that they're definitely not necessary at every appointment and possibly at all. I'm a FTM but it seems like the checks are either comforting (if you enjoy knowing exactly where you stand in the process) or anxiety-provoking (if you tend to fixate on the numbers and what they mean).
I'm really glad the anxiety medication has been helping up to this point. I also wonder for your doctor's appointments (and this would probably be helpful for parts of L&D as well) if you have any techniques you can use to distract yourself from pain and/or unhelpful thoughts? For example, getting pap smears used to be pretty painful for me and I had a lot of anxiety/bodily tension which made the pain even worse... so I would try to focus on my breathing while laying back and take myself to my "favorite place" mentally (usually it was snuggled up in bed with DH holding me) and that powerful image seemed to help. I think these are a little different for everyone based on our life experiences, so that particular image might not be helpful to you. But whether it's a phrase you can repeat to yourself in your head that's comforting, or an image you can conjure up while focusing on your breathing, it may help a little bit. (Or not, and that's okay too!)
@wagnerw I am with you about wanting things to get done even though they don't necessarily *need* to get done before LO comes and that it's causing some anxiety for me. I also think that my mental zeal is right now outpacing my energy level so no matter how much I accomplish, it doesn't feel like enough.
@smallanimal@rachelmiller03@schef070911 Thank you, I appreciate all your kind words and encouragement. It's amazing how a group of "strangers" can be such a support system. I am going to bring up a lot of these concerns at my appointment on Friday, even though it's with the NP and not the Dr. Surely the NP will be able to answer some of my questions.
@rachelmiller03 I hope that you and DH find answers regarding a babysitter soon. I can only imagine the stress that it brings being so late in the game. Have you looked on care.com or sittercity.com? I know it seems crazy to look through a group of true strangers, but you can do advanced searches and do background checks. I got my first nannying job through sittercity and it was legit. Yes there are people you wouldn't want watching your kid(s), but you can weed them out. Not your style, totally okay! Just thought I'd throw it out there
@schef070911 I feel the same! I actually had someone tell me at work today that I haven't nested yet because the want to get things done would outweigh the physical limitations. I was irritated. I did SOOO much the last 2 months and now I'm getting to the point where I can't walk from the house, down the driveway, and into the car without being out of breath, my back hurting, and ankles hurting. I don't feel like what she said is true. I WANT to do so much, and I do start, then end up in tears because I physically can't.
Re: Mental Health Check in
DH: 36
Married 5 years
DD born 8/30/13
#2 expected 4/25/17
My DH: French guy, car fanatic, best husband ever.
Our baby boy: Due on 17 April, currently 37 weeks. I can't believe it - I made it to full term!!!!
Last measurement: 3150 gs at 37+1! This is going to be a big baby
@HGRich my blues get amplified in winter too. If you do try a lamp, I'd be curious to hear how it helps. I took vitamin D in high dose for a few winters but I couldn't say I noticed a difference.
DH: 36
Married 5 years
DD born 8/30/13
#2 expected 4/25/17
I have vacation days to use so I'm enjoying getting to be myself at home and not have to keep wearing the happy Christmas face at work. Sometime last week I realized that I can be all organized and excited in future christmases and this year, if the only Christmas card I send is to my brother in prison, so be it. If I can't find an extra gift for my MIL or DH's grandma outside of the family gift then so be it--I'm making a grandbaby/great-grandbaby for them so I've done my part. Haha.
So I've decided to give myself the grace to not be excited about Christmas or on top of it. My MIL even told me I don't need to bring any food to Christmas, and I suspect she knows how I'm feeling. I'm just telling myself it's ok to not feel like I have to be happy at Christmas or enjoy all the traditions. I'll just make it through this year and God willing have a happy Christmas with my 8-month old next year.
As far as the due date, it's so hard. I was supposed to be 39+2 today! But I keep reminding myself how grateful I am to have this little one. Interestingly, viability day for her is the day before my original due date. It's crazy. DH took the day off on the EDD and he and I will take some time together to reflect and then do something fun. I've actually been blogging through the process since the loss, and have had several other angel mamas comment on it and share how it has helped them too. So I'll probably write one more entry and then perhaps be finished. I think it will give me closure, and then perhaps will be easier for me. I don't know. But either way, it will be over soon, and I'm doing better thinking about it as it gets closer than I was a couple of weeks ago.
Thanks for asking/letting me vent. It's a weird Christmas this year.
Married: 5/30/2013
DSS #1: 5/25/2007
DSS #2: 1/22/2011
DS #3: 7/8/2012
BFP: 3/14/2016 ~ MC: 3/19/2016
DS #4: 4/21/17
You know, it's perfectly OK not to be excited about christmas! It's over hyped anyhow. I am sure when the day itself comes, you will have a lovely time with your family. And about the EDD, it's nice to remember and set time aside. I kind of wish I had done that.
Glad to hear it's getting a bit better. Tell us more if you feel like it. Hugs
Silly moment of the day: I just looked at your signature and thought, hey, she cannot be 23+2, she has the same EDD as I do - then I realised, omg, I am also 23+2!! Time flies
My DH: French guy, car fanatic, best husband ever.
Our baby boy: Due on 17 April, currently 37 weeks. I can't believe it - I made it to full term!!!!
Last measurement: 3150 gs at 37+1! This is going to be a big baby
I've been having some extreme anxiety the last few days. I don't like not knowing things. I am starting to freak out that the baby could come anytime and I'm not ready. I've been told there's no way I'll make it to 40 weeks, that I won't be allowed to work up until birth, but on the other hand I've been given no timeline and told I won't be induced unless necessary. I'm confused. I'm terrified of when I get my Group B Strep test that my Dr. will also do a cervical check (which I think is normal and probably necessary) that it will be weird, awkward, and hurt. I have a fear that I won't be groomed properly and legs shaved or that my feet will be dirty from work or omg what if I fart when he's up in there?! Before pregnancy, I'm the kind of person who needs a Xanax just to get me into the Dr's office. I've dealt with all things pregnancy related very well (while on my daily anxiety meds) but as I get closer and closer I have these moments. Like sick to my stomach, could cry moments and I hate it. How do I get myself out of this funk?
Mentally I am doing better on some ends. People's comments aren't bothering me as much (or maybe they hit me on a less hormonal day ). I am struggling with how little time is left and how much needs to be done. Realistically, most of it is stuff that doesn't HAVE to be done, but the nesting in me wants it done. Unfortunately, DH isn't much help on weeknights. It really frustrates me. Then on weekends he goes all out on projects that interest him/I usually don't view them priorities.
At at this point I feel as though my mentality is that I am also nervous for the Group B test and all of the internals, but I am just ready for all of it to be over. Get me to labor, let's get the process started, and get this baby out. I felt a huge sense of relief after we left our shower this weekend because that was the last time I had to be pregnant around family. I felt like I was trying to be my old self all weekend/not complain, when really my feet were incredibly swollen and I was exhausted.
That was all a bit random, in general I think the worry part of my brain is being dominated by my "let's get down to business" part and pretend like none of this is a big issue.
Now, that's not to say that you should just let yourself feel whatever and fall apart either. That's not gonna work. But you know what I mean I think. That it's good that you see you're struggling and want to do something about it, but also, don't beat yourself up.
I will say for myself, that my hormones seem to have really leveled a bit and I've been much more even-keeled the last three or so weeks. I still feel so freaked out about how much there is to do to get ready, but I know a lot of those expectations are self-inflicted and that a lot of it is my own perfectionism. If I can trust that even if this baby did come early for some reason, she would be fine, we would figure it out, then it's easier for me to relax. But I'm still having moments of fear and anxiety that I think are perfectly normal for a FTM who's never been through labor or the newborn stage or anything.
My biggest fears are about losing her still (PGAL brain persists even into week 32...), about PPD, and about the sheer loneliness of adjusting to my new life.
I typically feel like how you are describing your recent weeks @wagnerw, I've been able to let stuff slide and roll off and just take it all how it comes. I haven't had any strong anxiety feelings about any "surprises" that have come up with being sent to the hospital several times, these extra tests, etc etc so I THOUGHT I was doing well. Perhaps I'm just having a couple hormonal days and my anxiety is getting the best of me. I totally cried in the gas station parking lot on Saturday because going inside, getting a slurpee, two waters, and mac n cheese proved to be too much. I got back to the car out of breath and in so much pain I started crying because I hate how helpless I feel.
@HGRich I'm glad you've been able to see through the complaints and rants haha...I'm really not an unhappy person! This is such a wonderful outlet for all things, positive or negative, and at times I worry I'm viewed as complaining too much. I also think my job and the stress of high blood pressure is starting to really weigh on me. The last few weeks at work have been insane and this week is no different. On top of teaching like normal, I have 3 Dr's appointments, 2 parent conferences, and 4 work meetings. I will not have a lunch or planning any day this week and have to leave immediately after work for 2 of the Dr's appointments. I just feel overwhelmed with SO MUCH on my plate. I also have 2 dinners planned with friends this week, both of which have been rescheduled already and I feel like I can't cancel or reschedule again. They want to catch up and give us stuff for the baby and I don't want to seem unappreciative.
Wow...it helps to get it all out! lol
I'm glad that the "let's get this done!" side is taking over more than the nerves for you, @wagnerw. Send some of that my way
@HGRich I'm so glad that things have evened out a bit for you. I think being able to have DH back to good health and your foot not being SO much of a pain in the butt helps. I can only imagine how stressful those weeks were. Perfectionism does tend to get the best of us sometimes, but I don't doubt for a second that you will be an amazing mom and you will find your way! I think for us FTM's it's a bit nerve-wracking not knowing what to truly expect in any aspect. I do not know what it's like to be PGAL, but I think that your worry is natural. And I will continue to keep you in my prayers to ease some of that worry.
Seriously, thanks ladies! I needed the vent sesh and reassurance
As for your general anxiety around doctors, I'm wondering what the game plan is for you during labor? The logical side of your brain can tend to shut off, so even if you've been managing that anxiety well throughout pregnancy, it may be harder during labor. I'm not trying to add stress, I just think it's something to bring up to your doctor and maybe even to write some things into your birth plan so that you feel a bit more confident walking into it. You'll do great, but I've found it always helps to have a bit of a plan to help reduce anxiety.
Also, please make sure your wonderful husband has some info now on PPD...just in case.
For myself, I'm on a very tiny dose of Zoloft due to the nausea it caused. It's helping a bit. I don't even think my mood is related to baby arrival specifically, my hormones are just so out of whack. I just found out that I'm getting a 20% bonus this fall. I had planned on leaving my teaching job to seek out something more stable in terms on working environment but this is too much money on the table for us to turn down. So that's a bit of a bummer right now. Another school year to power through with a newborn to boot. I'm just trying to not borrow worry until it actually comes.
DH: 36
Married 5 years
DD born 8/30/13
#2 expected 4/25/17
Thanks for the heads up about the cervical exams. I will ask on Friday when I go in. I'm wondering if they will find it necessary because of my high blood pressure... I originally was going to ask to not have them done at all, but then not knowing worried me lol.
I think I will also bring up the anxiety around Dr's and labor, you are definitely right. I did slightly mention it at my last appointment. My Dr. asks every appointment how the anxiety is and how I'm doing on the Lexapro and the answer is always great, no new anxiety etc. (Which has been true until now). I did tell him that I'm getting nervous about labor and delivery and not knowing when baby will be here, but that I'm not experiencing the anxiety symptoms and his response was "We will be by your side the entire time and you will do great". I think I need to be a little clearer that my anxiety is more than just a little nerves now.
I have warned DH about PPD many times and have pretty much decided I WILL have it. Obviously it would be great if I didn't, but I just have a feeling with my anxiety I might. I don't get depression though so maybe not. I need to look up some specific things for him to look out for just in case. I'm happy to say that I am the kind of person that will 100% admit if feel something is wrong. But I do want him prepared in case I don't recognize it in myself.
As for your fear about doctors, I have similar and I got told this will all go in L&D, and that giving birth actually cures us doctorphobics!! And it kind of makes sense: normally doctors do procedures to find out x, to cure y, etc. But this time, whatever happens, happens for a real and beautiful reason and there will be a reward at the end of it! it's all done for your baby, not for you - and for me, that makes it all easier to bear.
It's perfectly fine to feel down. It's perfectly fine to say that being pregnant is not easy, because it is not!
It's perfectly fine to admit that it is difficult to cope both physically and mentally. Everyone struggles to some extent, every single pregnant person. Whoever say they do not, they are lying, or, like my mom, their pregnancy was so long ago that they have genuinely forgotten!!!
I know I am not "glowing" most days, I know I am not "the prettiest I have ever been" like some mothers claim to be/feel. I waddle, I am slow, and when I am in pain, it shows on my face, so I even *look* grumpy. My bum has grown, my thighs are larger than ever, I have to sit down every once in a while , this is not easy. It's amazing, it's wonderful, but not easy and we just need to remember this. In some languages, pregnant women are called the equivalent of "with burden" - a bit nicer word, but it refers to carrying extra and having a burden on you (without calling a baby burden, not sure if this makes sense - it does not have a negative connotation). For a reason!
And as the time goes by, more and more I cannot wait to see my little boy whom I adore more than anything already. But at the same time, I also cannot wait to have my body back. I want to be able to move around without hurting another person. I want a huge can of redbull and liver pate on crusty bread. I want runny eggs. I want to be able to get on the treadmill and run for an hour. I want to sleep on my back again.
And there is nothing wrong with feeling like this. So no, you are not complaining too much - that's what this place is for - to help eachother. You helped me when I was down and scared - we are here for eachother, none of us are perfect, we all have our battles, but this is a lovely bunch of women here and one thing that I learnt in the last 7 month is you always get support when you come here
(hormonal emotional rant over)
My DH: French guy, car fanatic, best husband ever.
Our baby boy: Due on 17 April, currently 37 weeks. I can't believe it - I made it to full term!!!!
Last measurement: 3150 gs at 37+1! This is going to be a big baby
My anxiety about returning to work after baby has returned with a vengeance. Right after Christmas, DH and I broke down our spending habits, bills, budget, etc, and determined that it would be best for me to go back to work for 6 months to a year, while we work on paying down our student loan debt. I felt good about it. Then, my 1st babysitter had a stroke a couple of months ago, and we still don't know if she will be rehabilitated by mid-summer, even though she really wants to watch our kids again. My 2nd sitter just got a 2nd interview for a great job, so we may not have her in the next couple of weeks. We cannot afford daycare in my area, DH and I dont have the same schedule, so our babysitters are only part time. Daycare would basically take my entire take-home pay. So once again, I am freaking out about what we are going to do for childcare. Sorry for the rant.
I'd definitely check with your doc as others suggested re: the cervical checks - I was just told by my OB yesterday that they're definitely not necessary at every appointment and possibly at all. I'm a FTM but it seems like the checks are either comforting (if you enjoy knowing exactly where you stand in the process) or anxiety-provoking (if you tend to fixate on the numbers and what they mean).
I'm really glad the anxiety medication has been helping up to this point. I also wonder for your doctor's appointments (and this would probably be helpful for parts of L&D as well) if you have any techniques you can use to distract yourself from pain and/or unhelpful thoughts? For example, getting pap smears used to be pretty painful for me and I had a lot of anxiety/bodily tension which made the pain even worse... so I would try to focus on my breathing while laying back and take myself to my "favorite place" mentally (usually it was snuggled up in bed with DH holding me) and that powerful image seemed to help. I think these are a little different for everyone based on our life experiences, so that particular image might not be helpful to you. But whether it's a phrase you can repeat to yourself in your head that's comforting, or an image you can conjure up while focusing on your breathing, it may help a little bit. (Or not, and that's okay too!)
@wagnerw I am with you about wanting things to get done even though they don't necessarily *need* to get done before LO comes and that it's causing some anxiety for me. I also think that my mental zeal is right now outpacing my energy level so no matter how much I accomplish, it doesn't feel like enough.
@rachelmiller03 I hope that you and DH find answers regarding a babysitter soon. I can only imagine the stress that it brings being so late in the game. Have you looked on care.com or sittercity.com? I know it seems crazy to look through a group of true strangers, but you can do advanced searches and do background checks. I got my first nannying job through sittercity and it was legit. Yes there are people you wouldn't want watching your kid(s), but you can weed them out. Not your style, totally okay! Just thought I'd throw it out there
@schef070911 I feel the same! I actually had someone tell me at work today that I haven't nested yet because the want to get things done would outweigh the physical limitations. I was irritated. I did SOOO much the last 2 months and now I'm getting to the point where I can't walk from the house, down the driveway, and into the car without being out of breath, my back hurting, and ankles hurting. I don't feel like what she said is true. I WANT to do so much, and I do start, then end up in tears because I physically can't.