Dealing with family loss while pregnant- trigger warning

fbmandy55 · December 2016

I hope this is an appropriate place to post this. Since I have not experience a loss I didn't want to post this in the loss boards.

My aunt and uncle lost their baby after a placental abruption this week. That night, my aunt called me and asked me if I wanted to come get all of the baby's things, as I am 20 weeks pregnant myself and they don't want those things in their house.

My instinct is to help get the items out of the house for them, especially if it's painful to see. I didn't know how to tell her no. My grandpa confirmed this morning that they truly want everything gone and we should come and get it. I'm concerned for their feelings and not sure what's the right thing to do. Since they are in shock, do I give them time to process or should I take the things now? Is it going to be painful for her to see me? Should I use these things for my baby? It feels somewhat wrong to have them although my immediate plan is to store them in our basement.

Any advice is appreciated. I'm stressed and heartbroken for them and admittedly, feeling overwhelmed and quite a bit of fear myself.

mcvgal · December 2016

My SIL is in the process of miscarrying right now as well. It is a very hard situation. Having been there before, I highly recommend you go get the items, since that is what they asked. You may even want to set them aside in case they would like something back for sentimental reasons, but right now that it's also fresh I understand them not wanting to see any daily reminders. Even as my SIL is going through everything, she still wanted to know all about my anatomy scan yesterday, but I let her lead the conversation and I went back to offering her help and listening to her. It may be hard for your aunt and uncle to see the items down the line on you or your LO, but I think it's best to feel them out first and see what happens. After time they might even be glad to see some of the items get use or as previously mentioned they may want something back.

There is no right or wrong way to handle loss, everyone handles it differently. Right now I think they need to know that whatever they need is ok.

Kipperoo · December 2016

I second @mcvgal. This is a very tough situation to be dealing with and everyone handles the loss different. Because it seems they want the stuff gone ASAP, get it out of their way and set it aside--check back in a few months and make sure they haven't changed their mind.

My SIL was 2 weeks behind me in pregnancy and miscarried in the 1st tri--not the same as what you are going through, but the advice I received from this board (which was FAB) was to let her lead the way...if she wants to talk, talk! If she doesn't, don't. But it's important to let them know that you are there for them and will help in any way you can.

kat81 · December 2016

Get all of their things. You can store them somewhere or use or donate anything that seems less personal (like there's probably no chance they'd want it back and wouldn't notice if you used it.) You don't have to use any of the stuff if you think that is too weird. But they asked for it to be gone, so you should take it all right now to help them. I'm so sorry for them.

schnitz9 · December 2016

fbmandy55 said:

I hope this is an appropriate place to post this. Since I have not experience a loss I didn't want to post this in the loss boards.

My aunt and uncle lost their baby after a placental abruption this week. That night, my aunt called me and asked me if I wanted to come get all of the baby's things, as I am 20 weeks pregnant myself and they don't want those things in their house.

My instinct is to help get the items out of the house for them, especially if it's painful to see. I didn't know how to tell her no. My grandpa confirmed this morning that they truly want everything gone and we should come and get it. I'm concerned for their feelings and not sure what's the right thing to do. Since they are in shock, do I give them time to process or should I take the things now? Is it going to be painful for her to see me? Should I use these things for my baby? It feels somewhat wrong to have them although my immediate plan is to store them in our basement.

Any advice is appreciated. I'm stressed and heartbroken for them and admittedly, feeling overwhelmed and quite a bit of fear myself.

Do this!!! you still have 20 weeks to go. With the time you have you can make the decision of whether to use the things, donate them, or it gives her time if she wants them back. I have to agree though, def going to get them is more help than you can possibly imagine. They just had a devastating loss and the sight of all the things is horrible. Your would be doing her a great favor.

fbmandy55 · December 2016

Wow, thank you all for your helpful and kind replies. I feel a bit more at ease picking up the items and feeling reassured that it's the right thing to do.

schnitz9 · December 2016

fbmandy55 said:

Wow, thank you all for your helpful and kind replies. I feel a bit more at ease picking up the items and feeling reassured that it's the right thing to do.

I wouldn't worry one bit since she was the one who actually reached out. You don't have to say anything about your baby unless she asks. But showing up to help and being there for her means more to her that you may realize. Luckily your only 20 weeks so your not ready to pop. Maybe wear something that isn't so tight fitting to your bump? Like a loose fitting sweater. You don't have to hide your pregnancy since she already know you're pregnant, but something that's not so in your face to her may be helpful. Good luck!

OmegaRose3 · December 2016

With my first pregnancy, I came home because I was in a less than desirable situation and it was a full house. My SIL and brother were living there and expecting their 1st born as was I and my parents were putting together a nursery for both of us to share. Not too long after, I lost my baby. I hadn't bought too many things and my SIL was a little further along than I was and in the same boat as far as not having a bunch of things for my niece. I had a very difficult MC that my body would not acknowledge and was still healing and I decided I needed to get rid of things and mentioned to my mother that "I guess I should just give this all to SIL" she stopped me and asked me if it would hurt more to keep the couple of things I had or to just put them away and save them, even if I never use them. I decided to keep my couple of things and it was very meaningful a few years later to see them on DD.

Now I know you aren't the one going through that side of the loss but maybe you can take the things and set them aside. You have time to decide if you want to use them and maybe just keep bigger, generalized things. I know when I was wanting to get rid of them, it was because I was hurting and just needed those things out of my sight, not because I had put much thought into it. I wish you the best of luck in your situation and I'm sure you'll find the right answer. Loss is hard, but it's time and love that make healing possible.

ETA: missing words, clarity

Cubslove12 · December 2016

When I lost both my babies, I found that all I wanted was my friends and family that were pregnant to have healthy babies. I just didn't want them to go through my pain. In my house I wanted everything gone and did give some away/keep other items. I agree with the majority, go get the stuff and put it aside. They'll decide what's right for them, it's such a personal process everyone goes through it differently.

Want a personalized experience?

Dealing with family loss while pregnant- trigger warning

Re: Dealing with family loss while pregnant- trigger warning

Choose Another Board

Search Boards