Hello, please tell me feeling this way is normal!

CPR79 · November 2016

Hello everyone,

I had a miscarriage at 9.5 weeks in June. We were very lucky and had gotten pregnant immediately after we started trying (on our one year anniversary). At the time I didn't realize how lucky we were, I was freaked out that it had happened so fast and I didn't think I was ready! Of course after the miscarriage I had a lot of guilt about that. After the miscarriage, it took awhile for my levels to return to 0 and a while after that for my cycle to return. My doctor recommended waiting 3 cycles to start trying again, so we did. Again, we are very lucky and conceived again almost immediately. I'm now almost 5 weeks and am freaking out! I've always been a naturally "worst case scenario" kind of person. Even the first time I was pregnant, I would always say "if" and not "when" when talking about the future. I finally started to relax and let myself imagine the future and then I miscarried. Of course it is so much worse this time. I know I'm pregnant earlier, so immediately I'm worried about chemical pregnancy. I'm trying to go day by day and give myself little milestones: at 5 weeks I will make a doctor's appointment, at 6 weeks we will tell immediate family (we hadn't told anyone last time and it was very hard to tell them both that I was pregnant and that I had lost the pregnancy at the same time, so we're planning on telling a select few earlier this time), etc. I will be 12 weeks right around the time I was due with my first pregnancy (right after Christmas and right before a big family wedding), so there will be a lot of events to get through with people probably wondering if I'm pregnant due to my non-drinking and my quickly graying non-dyed hair!

I don't know what I'm looking for here other than to share my story and fear with those who really understand what I'm talking about. I'm also 37 so that adds another layer of complexity, I only have so much time if I were to miscarry again.

fiorip · November 2016

What you're feeling is completely normal, give yourself a break, take it one day at a time. I've had 3 losses and this is my 4th pregnancy, I'm also super anxious on given moments but I'm mostly calm and what has helped me it's just forgetting I'm pregnant. Every time I catch myself thinking about it I occupy my mind with something else, paint, read, listen to music and sing loudly, sumerge myself in work and it really does help. Good luck to you!

dam0ne4 · November 2016

Totally normal. I'm almost 17 weeks now and still can't totally relax although it is a lot easier than in the early weeks. Getting past the time of my loss was a huge milestone. Every day I got through felt like a victory (and still does)

HGRich · November 2016

Welcome! I too had an mmc in June and when I got pregnant again I was a mess. Totally normal. It's so frustrating feeling like you're robbed of all the fun and joy you're "supposed" to have while pregnant. But at least you're in good company here! Ha. Pulling for you and the little one. Sorry you've got a lot of other stressors coming up too. If it helps you at all, my doctor had me come in for blood work the very day I got a bfp. Maybe yours will do that for you. It won't help if it does happen to be CP but it might help ease your mind in other ways. Hang in there but know you're not crazy'

MWoodside · November 2016

Yes, totally normal. With my first rainbow pregnancy I retained a lot of the anxiety until she was born. A Doppler helps tremendously for me.

chihiro76 · November 2016

Completely Normal! I am 21 weeks yesterday, and every single day is a milestone!

cinderin · November 2016

I just tried to take it a day at a time.

torichantel2005 · November 2016

I have a very similar story to yours. Got pregnant quickly, had a miscarriage in May, am pregnant again (7 weeks today) after trying only one month and 12 weeks is the day I would have been due with the first baby. I'm a worrier, too. I let myself get too free the first time and now if I say anything regarding the future, I feel like I have to be really careful to say "if everything goes okay." It's really sad to not just be able to enjoy it like I feel like so many others get to. I think what you're feeling is totally normal for someone who has gone through what we have.

CPR79 · November 2016

@torichantel2005 wow, it's remarkable how similar our stories are. Honestly I have days where I feel like being really positive and days where I feel like adding the "if everything goes okay" qualifier to everything I say/think. The one thing I told my husband about being positive (because he always adds the qualifier) is that I don't think for me personally that being positive/not positive in my last pregnancy would've made what I felt afterwards any better, so I'm just trying to go with the flow and be as positive as I feel like being that day. I completely agree about not being able to enjoy it the way others might be able to, I particularly stinks that telling people will never come without a qualifier of "but we lost a pregnancy, so we're being cautious" or something like that.

byrneme · November 2016

I am so happy to have found this board and this post. I'm going out of mind waiting for my first u/s next week- I'll be 6 weeks, 6 days. I had a missed m/c in July 2015 and then we got pregnant as soon as we got the green light to try and that ended up being chemical. We did four failed IUIs and then IVF which FINALLY resulted in a BFP. Today I woke up and my boobs are no longer sore - which I experienced with my MMC at pretty much the same time - - and I'm in panicked mode. There's not a thing I can do- I've had 3 betas and they were all great. I just know how quickly things can change. I want to be able to enjoy this time but I'm struggling. I guess I feel if I get too happy then it will be even more painful if something goes wrong. I'm glad I'm not alone.

Bok Bagok · December 2016

@byrneme I had two MMCs and Im currently 23 weeks now. I had a ton of freak out moments during this pregnancy. I had a sudden loss of symptoms a little after 6 weeks and totally lost my mind. I was absolutely certain the baby was gone. My OBGYN was nice enough to take me in for an early US, and to my shock there was a baby in there with a heartbeat. This pregnancy has taught me my gut feelings, which I've always trusted before, can be totally wrong

byrneme · December 2016

Thanks @Bok Bagok. It's always nice to hear that I'm not the only one feeling this way. I'm doing my best to basically tell myself 'healthy sperm, perfect egg, all good' (we did PGS testing) and have recently added 'symptoms come and go' and 'all pregnancies are different'. 'Maybe it's time to add 'my gut isn't always right'

HGRich · December 2016

@byrneme you're not alone! I lost symptoms at 7-8 weeks or so and freaked out. Not a thing was wrong! Then they came back with a vengeance from weeks 9-14. Haha. But hang in there. Glad your ultrasound is coming soon.

eryncameron · December 2016

I'm right there with you. Had my IUD removed the end of April, and got an early positive the end of May, which ended in MC beginning of June. Just tested positive again on a HPT, and immediately felt flutters in my stomach, and the sensation my period was about to start. Now I'm checking every time I pee to see if I've started bleeding yet. Luckily my last MC was around 6 weeks, so if I can make it another 2 or 3 weeks past my last time frame, I'm hoping I'll relax and be able to get excited.
I have MS, and stopped medication in April so we could start trying . My neurologist doesn't feel comfortable keeping me off medication any longer, and feels like I'm risking permanent disability by staying off medication. This last month was the last month we had to try, I was planning to start back on meds in the next week or two (Pregnancy usually puts MS into a dormant state, so no meds are needed during pregnancy). If this ends in MC, I will probably never be able to come off medication again to try to have a child.
Best of luck to both of us, and all you other mama's here !

babydancer83 · December 2016

So happy to see this board and thread.
I had 2 MMC since July.. I'm blessed I get pregnant on the first try every time... however, I wish my body could hold onto these little beans.
Im currently 6w pregnant today.. I always lost my previous ones around 6w2d... so I'm praying I make it last that point. I'm an anxious mess!!
Sending positive vibes your way mama

HGRich · December 2016

@babydancer83 so sorry for all you've been through this year. Fingers crossed for you and this little one! Hope your doctor is working closely with you and maybe you'll get to have an early ultrasound soon? Thoughts and prayers. Keep us posted.

alexzgq · December 2016

I'm having all these feeling too, I want to be excited but it's hard. We had a loss in January and a loss in July. We saw a specialist, had all our testing done, and were told everything looked good. My doc thinks because my periods are irregular my body just isn't preparing properly for pregnancy. This time around we did clomid, hcg trigger, IUI, and I'm taking progesterone daily. I am also getting acupuncture once a week. Both of my losses occurred right before 6 weeks and today marks 6+1!! Still very nervous. Every time I pee I examine my toilet paper, and if one boob stops hurting for a second I panic! Hoping that these feelings will lessen with each day, week, month. Until then I'm right there with all of you as a bundle of nerves and I'm so jealous of everyone that is having a carefree pregnancy and excited about announcing to their family/friends.

Best wishes to all of you, I hope we all have wonderful, healthy babies!

keenad76 · December 2016

I am going through the same thing as I type. I miscarried in March at 8 weeks and was devastated. I'm 6 weeks now, and last week took two hcg test. I had a slight blood spot, at 5 pm yesterday and almost freaked out. This how it started last time. My friend told me to call the advice nurse and before I called them my doctor called with my test results. The HCG levels had not doubled as she hoped. They didn't decrease only rose a little. I was deflated. She said if I continue to bleed to go er. No more blood, thank God. I have an ultrasound scheduled for the 3rd and I'm praying and believing that we will see the baby or hear something. I'm 40 with no children and I don't think I can do this again. All I can do is believe.

HGRich · December 2016

@keenad76 praying for you! Keep us posted. I'm sorry the results weren't what you'd hoped but I'm pulling for you that this one will stick!

Bok Bagok · December 2016

@keenad76 Hoping for the best!!!

byrneme · December 2016

@keenad76 I will be thinking of you! FX that everything works out.

keenad76 · December 2016

Thank you ladies so much.... No more spotting or bleeding, so that's a good sign! I thank you for your well wishes, good thoughts, and prayers. I'm praying and believing for the best for all the other women who are experiencing problems, fears, or anxiety.

HGRich · December 2016

@keenad76 if it helps, I had random spotting around 6.5-7.5 weeks. Baby has done fine since then! Hang in there.

Bok Bagok · December 2016

I had spotting with all my pregnancies too!

keenad76 · December 2016

Thanks ladies.... No more bleeding, so I'm very hopeful. Anyone else had issues with low HCG levels during first trimester?

keenad76 · January 2017

On my way to ultrasound, I have positive vibes and believing for the best! I'll keep you posted.

HGRich · January 2017

@keenad76 good luck!

HGRich · January 2017

@keenad76 how did it go?

keenad76 · January 2017

HGRich said:

@keenad76 how did it go?
Thanks for asking @HGRich, it was a horrible experience. The OB was very unprofessional and insensitive. As soon soon inserted the camera she said there is nothing there. I was shocked! "Could you look around give it sec?" Nothing was shown except the sac. She immediately offered me the abortion pill to get rid of "it" quickly. I was stunned. No compassion whatsoever, no explanation of what could be wrong, nothing! Once I refused the pill she proceeded to tell me I will abort within the next couple of days no follow up was necessary! I am not joking nor exaggerating. I hurried up got dressed and got out of there. My boyfriend was still sitting there in shock!
Devastated at first then anger took over! I was encouraged to get a 2nd opinion.... I have not had any bleeding, cramping, or extreme pain. I still feel pregnant. Boobs are very sore, peeing all day, and cravings. I'm standing on faith until I see different. I filed a grievance with my insurance and requested a different OB who comes highly recommended. I have an appointment for Feb 7th by then I will just be hitting the 2nd trimester. I'm still taking my prenatal vitamins, praying for, and talking to my baby. If she was correct I will accept it but not from her. She is in the wrong business.
I will keep you posted. Please keep me in your prayers and thoughts.

HGRich · January 2017

@keenad76 I'm so sorry. I will definitely be praying for you. It's weird that you have to wait so long until the next appointment. Is there any way you could pay for a "vanity" ultrasound at an imaging center? They're not allowed to tell you if there's something wrong, but it would be another chance to see. Alternately maybe you could try a crisis pregnancy center. A Christian or catholic one would NOT push any decisions on you and help you out a bit. I don't know what to think about the fact that they couldn't find anything, but as long as you're not showing signs of loss, hang in there. Thinking of you.

Bok Bagok · January 2017

@keenad76 I'm so sorry you had such a horrible experience!!!! There are just no words! I agree with HGRich about trying to go someplace sooner than Feb just for the peace of mind. So sorry you were treated so horribly!

firefly0928 · January 2017

I am so glad to have found this board. I am newly pregnant (4wk) after a MC in May. Monday would have been my due date, and was the day I got my BFP. I am having a hard time believing that it's real. I've peed on a bunch of sticks and they all come back as positive, but I am not joyful or as excited as I was the first time. I feel like something is wrong with me.

The first time, we had decided to start trying just that month. I hadn't even considered that I would get pregnant so quickly. My period was a couple days late, so I took a test and it was BFP! It was so quick - no torturous TWW or taking tests way too early. It felt almost like it was too easy. Having close friends who are struggling with infertility made me see how difficult it can be for some, and it felt like it came too easily to us. When I had the MC at 7wks, I was devastated.

I'm hoping it will feel more real in a few weeks when I have my first appt. Thank you all for listening.

firefly0928 · January 2017

keenad76 I'm so sorry you went through all that. Praying for you and your rainbow babies.

HGRich · January 2017

@firefly0928 congrats on your bfp! Aw I'm so glad your due date was eased by a bfp. But I'm sorry you're having to start a nerve wracking first trimester. As we all shared above, it's totally normal not to be excited! But hang in there and let us know how your first appointment goes. Pulling for you!

jen83mn · January 2017

@firefly0928

*TW: LC Mentioned*

Lurking from TTCAL ... so sorry for your loss in May, and congrats on your new pregnancy! I'm going through a story similar to yours right now ... we found out we were pregnant with #2 after our first month trying and were shocked but thrilled. Less than a week after finding out, I started miscarrying at 4w3d. I was devastated, even though we'd only known we were pregnant for a week ... we had a fairly easy, happy pregnancy with #1 and while I spotted throughout which was nerve-wrecking, I wasn't worried every day about something happening. So when I realized something was wrong this time, I was not prepared at all for that outcome and was devastated, even though I had had an odd feeling something just wasn't quite right from the beginning.

We don't plan on trying again until June, but I am terrified of getting pregnant again and this happening again. And I know I'm going to be nervous the entire 9 months. It sucks but it's totally understandable why you're not excited and in disbelief right now. I know I'm going to feel the exact same way ... it's our way of trying to protect ourselves in case something does go wrong, to not get attached so early just in case the outcome isn't what we hope for. Just wanted you to know that what you're feeling is normal ... while I'm not there yet, I'm already preparing myself for having those feelings when we do get pregnant again. There's no "right" way to feel when going through another pregnancy after a loss, and it's ok to not be excited yet or get your hopes up just yet. Thinking about you and wishing you the best this pregnancy!

keenad76 · January 2017

@HGRich Thank you so much for the wonderful advice!!! I found a free clinic and got an ultrasound today, a beautiful baby very much alive with a very strong heartbeat! God is so awesome!!! I instantly broke down in tears and praise God. Thanks again for your encouragement and sound advice.

HGRich · January 2017

@keenad76 that's wonderful! I'm so glad you wanted to get that baby a second opinion! I still can't believe that other clinic was so rude to you but I'm so glad this new one helped you and let you see that little bean! Will be praying for you and that little one and your boyfriend in the weeks ahead. Thanks for updating us!

Bok Bagok · January 2017

@keenad76 OMG that's awesome awesome news! Congratulations!!!!

keenad76 · January 2017

HGRich · January 2017

@keenad76 yay! Looks great! How far along did they say baby was?

keenad76 · January 2017

@Bok Bagok thank you so much!!! I had to call my friend who is a nurse practitioner and ask her what other vatimins besides prenatals that I need. She gave me a list since I have to wait until February to see my new OB.

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