@ea301 Def say that you don't need the help. You don't need help from someone who can't respect you as a parent.
If you and your SO can agree on where the line is, and how to address if/when those boundaries are crossed - then maybe try and have that discussion with MIL. Otherwise tell her to get lost.
Formerly known as Kate08young August '18 Siggy April Showers:
Me: 28 H: 24 Married: 7/22/14 Baby L: 8/4/2015 August 2015 Moms Baby E: 11/18/2016 December 2016 Moms TTC #3 08/2017 BFP 11/27/2017. Twin B lost 11/22/2017, Twin A doing well.
@penelope4612 He's talked to her every time she's called so far... she keeps asking to talk to me and I have avoided for over 3 weeks... I need to suck it up and talk to her I like that tactic, I definitely want to project that we do not need anything from her. I feel bad because this is her first (and likely only) grandchild, so i dont want to deprive her... but right now I get anxious just thinking about her here, which is not good for anyone. I think because DH has been overwhelmed when talking to her, she thinks we need more help than we really do. I also think her idea of help will be "ill hold the baby so you can clean this disgusting dirty house. I dont see how you could have a baby in this dump..." sigh.
Maybe I could suggest a shorter visit later in the year once our schedule calms down a bit, or she could come up when her other son visits in the spring. I just worry that she won't take no for an answer or will be miffed at me, even though DH has already told her we dont need help... see, anxiety!
@Kate08Young yup i agree. I dont think DH wants her here to be honest. She is such a negative force. I know she doesnt mean to be but it is just so draining. And yes, I definitely worry she won't respect us as parents... DH is her youngest and I think she likes me but sees me as a child because Im younger than her son. I think agreeing on boundaries is great but as for what to do when theyre crossed... no idea. She would be flying in and wants to stay for 2 weeks. What are we supposed to do if she is unbearable on day 2??
Don't let her stay in your house. 'We have crazy hours. LO isn't on a schedule, and we just go with the flow.' Or 'well we had to really re-organize everything to fit in a nursery, so there isn't really room for you to stay.' Or you can just flat out 'you don't respect us as parents, so until you do that but out.'
Formerly known as Kate08young August '18 Siggy April Showers:
Me: 28 H: 24 Married: 7/22/14 Baby L: 8/4/2015 August 2015 Moms Baby E: 11/18/2016 December 2016 Moms TTC #3 08/2017 BFP 11/27/2017. Twin B lost 11/22/2017, Twin A doing well.
Yeesh, while I completely agree that she shouldn't be staying here, that would go over like a lead balloon. I'll have to think about how to say it so she doesn't freak out. Based on what my husband was saying, it sounds like she would want to help with night feedings, etc. so that we can get better sleep. Maybe I can express to her that I need to get up at night either way, and I actually like this schedule (which is 100% true... I am a night owl and I am loving the one-on-one time with the baby). And DH gets at least 6 hours per night, so he's not all that bad off. Ugh, I hate my brain sometimes. I already hear myself overthinking this.
Also... I'm starting to think that maybe this belongs in an "ea301 paralyzed by anxiety" thread instead of the BF thread... haha
@ea301 - yea definitely can't let that woman stay with you! Now is about you and your husband and your new baby. Not her. Do not feel bad and do what you gotta do! I'd say don't over explain it because then she'll feel space to push back. Man she sounds like a gem! And not like someone you need to be dealing with right now! Sorry
@slartybartfast yeah, a gem is a good way to put it She really isn't that bad, just negative and/or passive aggressive (plus she's a know-it-all, and both DH and I tend to also be know-it-alls, so... I just keep my trap shut and bitch to DH about what she said later, haha). The perfect example is when she asked if my autoimmune disorder could have been caused by the fact that I smoke. I have never in my life smoked a cigarette but since her son smoked for 10 years, and I sometimes stood nearby when he did so, I guess that means I am also a smoker. She didn't believe me when I said I had never lit a cigarette. I was just like... okay, well... I don't know what else to tell you! :: eyerolls for days ::
Anyway, I don't doubt for one second that she actually does want to help us, but I know she'll be critical and/or think she knows better than us, and the visit will have the opposite effect. I'll let you all know how our chat goes... hopefully I can convince her to at least wait a while before booking her flight. FX!
My DH keeps waking me up between an 15 minutes and an hour before my alarm is set to go off. All week this has happened. Today he was even supposed to leave AFTER my alarm was set - I had double checked last night. Guess who woke up early and decided to go into work early. He doesn't really understand how precious that last hour of sleep is when you're up 3-4 times a night to go to the bathroom then take a while to fall back asleep because you're so uncomfortable. He just sees it as, well you just get to go to work early then. Ummmmm, no. I don't want to go to work early. I want to sleep.
@temmetime I'm late to respond, but agree with everyone else... screw them. My dr was totally condescending about my weight gain with DD1. I had gained around 40 (maybe a little more) and I would get such anxiety before every single appointment because I was terrified about what she would say to me once I stepped off the scale. Like, break out in hives anxiety over it.
Just know that you're doing great and that this is temporary. Your body is literally doing something completely miraculous so your dr can shove it.
@ea301 Your MIL sounds a lot like mine. Pushy, know it all, only her way is the right way and only way. And loves to tell everyone else how to live their lives. She also believes in old wives tales and in false info just because she found some blog about it on the internet. Like how I shouldn't cook or put any flavoring on my food because all herbs are bad, especially basil. Um, my doc said basil is actually good, since it has the same vitamins and minerals as spinach and other greens. But because she found it on the internet, it must be true. Also, at Thanksgiving, she kept telling me all the foods I can't eat. Um, thanks, but at that point I was 37 + 2, so I'm pretty sure I had a handle on what I could and couldn't eat. When my FI's cousins started to give me turkey she started yelling across the table (and I mean YELLING) to not give me any dark meat, that dark meat is bad, it can cause birth defects. Now, I have never heard that before, but it doesn't matter because I don't like the dark meat anyway. But the fact that she didn't even wait to see what I was asking for, just jumped in and made the decision for me pissed me off. Also what really made me crazy was something that happened several months ago. She told me that I had to stay away from smoke, not cigarette smoke (although I have had that lecture from her too, yet I don't smoke and neither does her son), but fire smoke, such as fireplaces or firepits, etc. Because she claims her nephew has autism from her sister sitting too close to a fireplace one night and inhaling the smoke.
I just ignore most of what she says now, but I am dreading her trying to push into our routine and expecting to come over a lot, especially since she only lives 30 minutes away. Luckily, she doesn't like to drive far, so maybe she won't be coming unannounced, or unless my FI picks her up. All four of her other grandkids live in Florida now, so I can see how this baby will be her be all end all. Too much pressure on me, who likes to do things on my own and feel them out before I ask for help.
I hope you and your SO can come to some sort of arrangement with your MIL. I agree that having her stay with you for 2 weeks is a bad idea. Plus, you and your SO need to have some bonding time with your baby, just the 3 of you. You need to develop your schedule and routine to what works for you two. Hopefully you can put off her visit until you are ready for her. If not, just make it clear to her that you will not put her up for 2 weeks, she needs to find another place to stay, as well as find her own transport, and when you say okay, visit over, she must leave your house.
@caffeinenut yep, that does sound familiar! The smoke comments especially! Im glad she doesn't like to drive... as crazy as she can be, I do love my MIL but I love it even more that she is a 3 hr flight away.
I talked to her for a long time today and it went really well. She was concerned that having the baby was impacting us negatively. I think she's been talking to my husband while I am asleep and he is in the stress zone (which is a tale for another day) so she gets a tainted picture. She is retired (my parents who live nearby are not) so she figured she would offer to come stay with us to help out since she is in a position to do so. It wasnt nearly as bad as DH made it out to be. Anyway long story short, I convinced her to wait to visit until we need hands-on help with a more active baby - April or so - and that way she can enjoy her winter in florida and visit at the same time as my BIL, who was planning to come up around that time anyway. They will probably end up staying here but at least they'll have each other so we wont feel like we need to entertain them. Plus this means I have plenty of time to get the house clean so she cant criticize how messy everything is (though Im sure she will find something... last time she pointed out that our placemats were stained - ugh). And thank goodness, we never had to even discuss her not staying at the house! What a relief.
I will say though, I got a lot of friendly "advice" - some was fine but other stuff ... I had to just smile and nod haha
Thanks for letting me vent and giving me the courage to stick to my guns! You all are the best
ugh I'm really starting to despise my dog anymore. i don't know what his problem is lately. He's starting to get hard-headed and just trying to run over me and do whatever he wants to do. I tried to walk him on the leash one day last week and he damn near tried to pull me down the steps of my porch so he was put out on the chain until my husband got home. Then now he's developed the habit of jumping up taking things off the kitchen counter. my husbands work gloves, and chewed those I cleaned out the refrigerator from Thanksgiving last week and he knocked the scraps down into the floor because he wanted to do what he wanted to do. he breaks out of his kennel that's inside sometimes on Sundays if we leave the house and then goes in our room steals my husband's shoes and chews those up and pulls our pajamas off the bed and drags them in the living room and has those on the couch when we get home and breaks in the bathroom and trys to drink all of the water out of the toilet even though he has had plenty of water all throughout the day so I have to put a chair in front of the bathroom door to keep him out. He's stressed me out so much that I'm almost ready to just get rid of him because when I have this babyim not gonna be able to deal with it.
@wynterwaddell sounds like he has a lot of energy! Can DH take him for walks in the morning to try to burn off some of it? There are also places you can board the dog for 1-2 weeks while they go through training...not sure if now is the time for it since you'll have to be consistent with him when he gets back home in order for it to do any good, but it maybe worth it to have a better behaved pup.
Went out for lunch. Place was packed so after we ordered our food we started table stalking. Multiple snagged tables while we were trying to get one. Not one offered to let the very pregnant lady have the empty table.
We finally got one. Worker was wiping it down. A mom with 4 kids came by and asked if they could have it since it was a large booth and we were only two people. She pointed to another smaller table that was just about done. Being the nice people we are, we agreed. By the time we got to the small table, someone else had taken it. The mom who we gave our table to just shrugged. Didn't even offer to give the table back.
Does being pregnant and huge get me anything?!?!?!
@wynterwaddell I have been a veterinary technician for over 13 years, and it sounds to me like your dog is now bored. Did you used to play with him and walk him more before you became pregnant? The same thing is happening to me, but to a less destructive extent with our dog. I still walk her during the week while FI is at work, but instead of almost an hour it is now down to 15 minutes. And I can't chase her around anymore, so so doesn't burn off all her energy. It makes her wild then when my FI comes home, but it is usually too dark and super cold now for him to play much with her outside and our house is too small inside. So now she tries to go after the cat, playfully, but then it turns into hissing and barking, and having to separate the two. She also doesn't listen to me as much as she used to.
I would suggest your DH take your dog for long walks if possible. Will play he with toys on his own? Mine won't, so it makes burning off energy harder. But some dogs will play on their own, and it can be a big help. Do you have a neighbor or family member who an come over a few times a week and maybe take him out for a good walk during the day?
It also sounds like he needs some more training? Was he good before you became pregnant? Was he stealing food off the counter and chewing on shoes then? If not and this is new behavior, he might need some retraining, which will take time and commitment. Giving him small rewards when he behaves might help, like a small piece of a treat or a baby carrot every time he listens and does what you want. Positive reinforcement. Was he ever crate trained? If so, he might need to be put back into his crate when you are not home, for his own protection. I've seen too many dogs who were destructive like that eat something they weren't supposed to and then need surgery. My co-worker's dog used to eat the carpet and it would get stuck in her stomach or intestines, needing surgery to remove. Stuff like that.
Sorry if this sounds a bit pushy or preachy. I just want to help if I can, because I don't think you would be venting about your dog if you didn't care and want to make it right. Let me know if I can help more.
@KattyC No DH works from 7am till whenever at night and most times he's late getting up and has cracked ribs right now from horseplaying. He does good most days, he just occasionally has a day where he wants to be a ass but he usually starts back acting like he's supposed to. He's pretty well trained. He's just super excited and bubbly and loves to play with our other dog and jump up and hug us when we come home if we leave and stuff. it's not a big deal. I just get annoyed some days and when I do and feel like I can't handle him. I let him out or put him on the lead in the yard until I cool down and usually by the time I go back out there and get him he's back to normal and knows he did something bad
@caffeinenut He is very well trained. He sits,stays, knows what wait means, knows what back means. You tell him night night at bedtime and he will go straight to his crate and lay down and give no problems. He knows what down and leave it mean too and he will if you catch him in the act. He chewed when he was a puppy but we broke him from that and then the beagle puppy we had got hit by a car following her nose and since then he hasn't been right. We have another dog that we had then to but he's so big and dominant that my dog only plays with him to a certain extent. I play fetch with them in the house because we have a big living room and they love it and they do well with it and it's probably boredom to an extent because alot of times we aren't home on Sundays because dh helps his dad and it's his only day off so I go so I can spend time with him. As far as him doing it when I'm home he tries to be sneaky and he's got a hard-headed streak sometimes but most of the time hes great. He opens my bedroom door if I'm in there and comes in and wants petted and then lays by my bed. I got him when I was about 3 months pregnant so I don't think me being pregnant has anything to do with it. & We don't walk them because we have a huge yard that they can run in. They're really low maintenance dog's. My dog is just a super hyper ball of love/attention whore. He started a lot of the new bad habits or picked his old ones up after our beagle died and my husband brought this other dog home that he had for 8 years that his uncle was watching because my mil was scared of him and we used to live with them temporarily. & things kind of went downhill after that. Otherwise he's a good boy. & I foubd out yesterday it isn't my dog that takes stuff off the counter it's this other dog because I caught him in the act yesterday. I came out of my room and he had his paws up on my counter trying to steal the dish towels. We don't know why but they like dirty socks and dirty dish towels and dh grease rags from work. We think my dog is acting out lately because he knows the baby is about to be here and mourning our beagle that was his best friend.
@caffeinenut I say I think it's mourning because my beagle had a certain recliner in our house she always slept in and now we can't even sit in on the chair because he will bark and raise hell and jump up on you. He doesn't like anybody touching his chair. I feel so bad for him because thay was his best friend. We want to get him somebody to play with but that'd more training I would have to do with a baby to take care of too and I'm pretty good at training, I've owned nothing but pitbull and labs and German shepherds my whole life and none of them have ever had issues like this one so really mostly I think it's just he's mourning right now so he's finding ways to deal with it. I wish I knew how to help him. All of my dogs have been well trained, well fed and well taken care of and well loved and socialized just like he is. They all slept in my bed, they never had crates. Hes actually the first one I've ever used a crate for because we couldn't trust him when he was a puppy with his chewing And now he's crate trained and knows thats his den. You can even tell him if he comes in my bedroom and I don't want him in there that it's not his room abd he will leave and go to the living room or his room where his crate is with no problems. I get irritated and say I'm gonna get rid of him but I know good snd well I wouldn't be able to do it. It would kill me. I don't even know how I'm gonna deal with being away from him in the hospital when I have the baby. & as far as his pulling on the keash last week when I tried walking him, I know that was more excited and ready to go outside because I never have to use a leash with him. Our other dog is the one that will run out into the middle of the road so you absolutely have to tie him out on his lead or walk him for him to go outside.
I was already peeved that my folks were going to wait until a week before my DD to come help us on account of my 46 yo brother not wanting to drive the 7 hour drive in his own... grow up! But now they might not come for a few more days because their car is getting worked on due to a fender bender... which I know isn't their fault. But... it's like 4 days before Xmas when they will finally arrive! To make things more complicated our back up sitter leaves Friday and our back up, back up isn't going to be here two days after that. Basically, the time I'm likely to have the baby... we have no one. Im sure we will manage since (hopefully) we will be at home having the baby and our 11 yo is fairly capable at maintaining order ... maybe it will be great... but it makes me anxious.
@wynterwaddell Sounds like you have a lot of knowledge and understanding about dogs. Guess if you've had ghtem as long as you have you lean and know what to do and what not to do. From what you said, I agree, it does sound like he might be acting out because he senses things are about to change, as well as he is probably still in mouring over the loss of his beagle buddy. Have you tried getting something special for him, like a new bed or toy? Sometimes those things can help, but usually it takes dogs time to get over the loss of a friend. AT some point, when you are ready and maybe when your life isn't so hectic with a new baby, getting him a new friend might help as well. Especially if he was very playful with your beagle. It didn't sound in your response, like he played with the older dog your DH brought home. He may just need someone to help get his yayas out, as my former boss would say. Is he very friendly with other dogs, our just your own? If he likes other dogs, have you considered maybe putting him in doggie day care for a few hours a week? Somewhere for him to play with other dogs and maybe tire out a bit? I would love to have my girl go to doggie day care a few times a week but she is not so good with other dogs, so it isn't a good place or solution for her. It also sounds like your dog is better trained than mine! The only excuse I can give is that she was actually my FI's brother's dog, but when he and his family moved to Florida this past summer, they couldn't bring her with them. No pit bulls allowed. So my FI and I took her. She used to be better behaved, but after my BIL getting married and having 2 kids in 2 years, I think her training kinda fell away and she picked up some bad habits.
@caffeinenut he's good with other dogs mostly. He just is so rough about how he plays I'd be scared to allow it for fear of them fighting and i don't want him to pick that habit up too. He will play fetch or tug with our bigger dog but then the bigger one starts to get possessive over the toys and doesn't want to share anymore. They played with Dh last night for about an hour and near the end the bigger one got mad at dh for taking his rag playfully and actually snapped at him. But he was a shop dog for many years and then he had to give him to his uncle because mil was scared of him because he's very protective of his area and his food bowl and everything so we had to give him to his uncle and his uncle put him out on a chain and didn't pay him any attention or anything,he had no collar on his neck just a chain and it rubbed his hair off and only went out to feed him so when we found out about it after we got our own house we got him and now he's gained weight and his hair is growing back on his neck,hes been wormed and started gaining weight and everything. His uncle ruined him. Now he won't sit when you tell him to, he steals off the counter and out of the sink. He's a good boy for the most part,hes just super needy and clingy now. My dog does his own thing for the most part but he's an attention whore too and he's got a special colorful teddy bear that he loves for some odd reason and he's pretty content with that and his special blanket that he's had since he was a puppy. He's a good boy he just has his off days.
More BF. Our newborn photos are late. She told us 7-10 days but "hopefully sooner". Monday was 10 days. I reached out and she said I would have them by Friday now. She has since posted on her Fb page that she's behind because of some pregnancy complications. I want to be sympathetic, and am, but I really, really want the pics. We got one sneak peak the day after taking them but that's it. She's still posting sneak peaks so I don't think she's going MIA, but I'm frustrated.
@cgss11 That's frustrating. I know how it is dealing with photographers who don't know about deadlines. I had to wait 8 months for my wedding pictures because "things kept coming up" and whatnot. Hopefully you get your newborn pics soon!!
@abriannao She was 12 days old. I think I read somewhere that it's best to do them up to 15 days old? It was a fluke for me, I hadn't planned on doing them, then saw a recommended photographer in a local fb group and her price was reasonable so I jumped on it. And of course she came a month early so it's probably best I didn't book ahead.
@cgss11, I read somewhere to do it in the first two weeks because that's when they're most mold-able (ha). I have already reached out to a photographer just to see if she'd be interested in the work. I figured we would do it while DH is still on leave so that we can get a couple family pictures in too, but haven't scheduled as I am waiting for the evacuation to occur first.
Re: Monday BF 12-5
If you and your SO can agree on where the line is, and how to address if/when those boundaries are crossed - then maybe try and have that discussion with MIL. Otherwise tell her to get lost.
Formerly known as Kate08young
August '18 Siggy April Showers:
Married: 7/22/14
Baby L: 8/4/2015 August 2015 Moms
Baby E: 11/18/2016 December 2016 Moms
TTC #3 08/2017 BFP 11/27/2017.
Twin B lost 11/22/2017, Twin A doing well.
Maybe I could suggest a shorter visit later in the year once our schedule calms down a bit, or she could come up when her other son visits in the spring. I just worry that she won't take no for an answer or will be miffed at me, even though DH has already told her we dont need help... see, anxiety!
Formerly known as Kate08young
August '18 Siggy April Showers:
Married: 7/22/14
Baby L: 8/4/2015 August 2015 Moms
Baby E: 11/18/2016 December 2016 Moms
TTC #3 08/2017 BFP 11/27/2017.
Twin B lost 11/22/2017, Twin A doing well.
Also... I'm starting to think that maybe this belongs in an "ea301 paralyzed by anxiety" thread instead of the BF thread... haha
Anyway, I don't doubt for one second that she actually does want to help us, but I know she'll be critical and/or think she knows better than us, and the visit will have the opposite effect. I'll let you all know how our chat goes... hopefully I can convince her to at least wait a while before booking her flight. FX!
Just know that you're doing great and that this is temporary. Your body is literally doing something completely miraculous so your dr can shove it.
I just ignore most of what she says now, but I am dreading her trying to push into our routine and expecting to come over a lot, especially since she only lives 30 minutes away. Luckily, she doesn't like to drive far, so maybe she won't be coming unannounced, or unless my FI picks her up. All four of her other grandkids live in Florida now, so I can see how this baby will be her be all end all. Too much pressure on me, who likes to do things on my own and feel them out before I ask for help.
I hope you and your SO can come to some sort of arrangement with your MIL. I agree that having her stay with you for 2 weeks is a bad idea. Plus, you and your SO need to have some bonding time with your baby, just the 3 of you. You need to develop your schedule and routine to what works for you two. Hopefully you can put off her visit until you are ready for her. If not, just make it clear to her that you will not put her up for 2 weeks, she needs to find another place to stay, as well as find her own transport, and when you say okay, visit over, she must leave your house.
I talked to her for a long time today and it went really well. She was concerned that having the baby was impacting us negatively. I think she's been talking to my husband while I am asleep and he is in the stress zone (which is a tale for another day) so she gets a tainted picture. She is retired (my parents who live nearby are not) so she figured she would offer to come stay with us to help out since she is in a position to do so. It wasnt nearly as bad as DH made it out to be. Anyway long story short, I convinced her to wait to visit until we need hands-on help with a more active baby - April or so - and that way she can enjoy her winter in florida and visit at the same time as my BIL, who was planning to come up around that time anyway. They will probably end up staying here but at least they'll have each other so we wont feel like we need to entertain them. Plus this means I have plenty of time to get the house clean so she cant criticize how messy everything is (though Im sure she will find something... last time she pointed out that our placemats were stained - ugh). And thank goodness, we never had to even discuss her not staying at the house! What a relief.
I will say though, I got a lot of friendly "advice" - some was fine but other stuff ... I had to just smile and nod haha
Thanks for letting me vent and giving me the courage to stick to my guns! You all are the best
Went out for lunch. Place was packed so after we ordered our food we started table stalking. Multiple snagged tables while we were trying to get one. Not one offered to let the very pregnant lady have the empty table.
We finally got one. Worker was wiping it down. A mom with 4 kids came by and asked if they could have it since it was a large booth and we were only two people. She pointed to another smaller table that was just about done. Being the nice people we are, we agreed. By the time we got to the small table, someone else had taken it. The mom who we gave our table to just shrugged. Didn't even offer to give the table back.
Does being pregnant and huge get me anything?!?!?!
I would suggest your DH take your dog for long walks if possible. Will play he with toys on his own? Mine won't, so it makes burning off energy harder. But some dogs will play on their own, and it can be a big help. Do you have a neighbor or family member who an come over a few times a week and maybe take him out for a good walk during the day?
It also sounds like he needs some more training? Was he good before you became pregnant? Was he stealing food off the counter and chewing on shoes then? If not and this is new behavior, he might need some retraining, which will take time and commitment. Giving him small rewards when he behaves might help, like a small piece of a treat or a baby carrot every time he listens and does what you want. Positive reinforcement. Was he ever crate trained? If so, he might need to be put back into his crate when you are not home, for his own protection. I've seen too many dogs who were destructive like that eat something they weren't supposed to and then need surgery. My co-worker's dog used to eat the carpet and it would get stuck in her stomach or intestines, needing surgery to remove. Stuff like that.
Sorry if this sounds a bit pushy or preachy. I just want to help if I can, because I don't think you would be venting about your dog if you didn't care and want to make it right. Let me know if I can help more.
But now they might not come for a few more days because their car is getting worked on due to a fender bender... which I know isn't their fault. But... it's like 4 days before Xmas when they will finally arrive!
To make things more complicated our back up sitter leaves Friday and our back up, back up isn't going to be here two days after that. Basically, the time I'm likely to have the baby... we have no one.
Im sure we will manage since (hopefully) we will be at home having the baby and our 11 yo is fairly capable at maintaining order ... maybe it will be great... but it makes me anxious.
Due December 27th with baby #7
I had to wait 8 months for my wedding pictures because "things kept coming up" and whatnot. Hopefully you get your newborn pics soon!!