@PerraSucia i really didnt mean to be judgy (but i can see how it maybe read that way). As a ftm Ive never been in the situation and was curious as to what others thought or what has worked for others as im under no illusion that this will be easy.
In a way I can kind of understand where your friend's wife could be coming from @Janefelicity because I've been struggling with some jealousy and resentment towards my H lately. We normally have such a 50/50 marriage and this just can't be that way. He can't do 50% of this pregnancy. That's biology. I was choking back tears the other day when he brought back one of my favorite beers to enjoy with dinner, and also the week before that when he was given an Amazon gift card and wanted to spend it on something for himself as opposed to the baby. I'm kind of dreading my birthday next week because he wants to go to our favorite nice restaurant to celebrate and I know he'll want to stay out late and drink wine and I'll just be praying I can enjoy the food without a heartburn attack and make it to desert. I know it's not rational, and absolutely doesn't reflect very well on me, so I've been trying to keep in check and not act on my feelings but they're definitely there. I don't think that doing night feedings alone is something that is going to trigger resentment for me personally but I can totally understand how it would for other women.
@becbec28 Praying for you today, anniversaries are so rough.
@Xstatic3333 Girl, don't be so tough on yourself! Your feelings are 100% valid. This is a difficult thing we are all doing, cooking these kids. In one way or another, we have all sacrificed something (big or small) for our baby's best interest. If you are feeling that way about your birthday, maybe ask DH to skip the drinks that night out of solidarity?
@Xstatic3333 +1 that your feelings are very valid. We don't drink very often but Monday night H got a drink that I actually like and we haven't had in forever and I was jealous for the first time that I couldn't drink. And I totally get the birthday and purchases. H really wants this big ticket item for Christmas and all I can think is "that's money that needs to go to something else and you're not going to use it once baby gets here". I'm just hoping that if I'm still pregnant on my b-day that H even does anything, as bad as that sounds. Men just don't think the same way and, like you said, they can't experience this like we do. With everything going on and hormones, we're lucky to still have some sanity at the end of 9 months!
Thanks @WinchesterGirl. You're totally right and I doubt he'd even mind. He's actually been so amazing and is doing pretty much everything "right" during this pregnancy. It would be silly if I made him stop drinking all the time of course (it's never to excess or anything) but I don't think he'd mind for my birthday since it would be more fun for me to have us on the same page. I'm pretty sure exciting beer for later is actually going to be my birthday present since he's at a conference this week right next to an amazing brewery that we rarely get to.
Thanks to you too @becbec28! If it makes you feel better, H is mainly all about the birthdays because it's the only time we let ourselves splurge on nice restaurant meals! Is your birthday right around your EDD?
They had to stab me four times before they actually got blood for my glucose test today. Now my arm freaking hurts!
also I never made my husband stay up with me the first time while I was breastfeeding. I only woke him up if I needed help like an inconsolable baby etc. he was working(no paternity) and I was breastfeeding and staying home so it seemed silly to have him wake. Occasionally I'd push him though if he was snoring while I was tired and grumpy. Lol. The second time he was deployed when she was born and the first three months so it wasn't even a concern.
@Xstatic3333 Not at all irrational. I've kind of been struggling with this too, but it just came to my attention this morning. I asked to go to a fancy dinner date sometime in December as we were walking out the door. As soon as I got in my car, I regretted it because of the reasons you outlined about your birthday dinner. It won't be the same. It won't be the fancy dinner date that I'm imagining or hoping for.
However, I was going to comment that I am actually kind of excited for those middle of the night feedings where I get to further bond with our baby. I've been feeling this kiddo kick and know what foods get him/her excited and squirmy. I know the baby is most active at night, and during meetings that I also don't want to be in. We get to share that bond with the kiddo already...your husband doesn't. So while it isn't 50-50, and I envy every beer he opens and buffalo chicken wrap he eats, we get a special experience as well that they biologically can't have.
But I also really want a beer. Or to feel like an adult with a glass of wine. The holidays I think are going to be tough.
It's more the ritual that I really miss during the holidays @Patience7150. I do allow myself little half splashes of alcohol once a week or so, with food and water, for the taste, and think the research supports even more than that, but it's always at home with nobody but H around. I really wanted just a taste of red wine with TG dinner but clearly that's out under the prying eyes of in-laws. I just miss feeling like a full adult.
You are right too that they can't have our special experiences. I feel so bad every time the baby stops kicking as soon as H goes to feel him. It really bums him out.
I totally hear you on this @Xstatic3333. My H has been really great about everything while I've been pregnant also, but it is still hard. I really can't wait to be a full adult again either - and we have actually already made plans at some of our favorite fancy restaurants post baby since right now it just doesn't sound fun to me. This is sort of how I felt about a babymoon as well, and we are planning trips for after baby as well since I will enjoy the trip more when I have my body back (mostly/hopefully!) and can drink and have a good time. H really hasn't been drinking much at all (since we are wine drinkers he hasn't really wanted to crack open a good a bottle if I'm only having a small splash of it) - so that has helped for sure with my jealousy. I think being pregnant is hard and is such an adjustment, and as much as a supportive partner matters, you are still sort of dealing with the change by yourself - but we are in the home stretch now!!
While I won't require my SO to be up in the middle of the night, I do remember how lonely and hard it was for me with my son. Of course every baby is different but my kid woke up every 45 minutes every night to feed. It took a couple of months for us both to get the hang of latching and it was frustrating for him and myself. I can remember the dread and anxiety I felt when we were winding down for bed because I knew I wouldnt have help from my ex because he had to work and I would be up all night. Then he would leave for work and I'd be alone all day too. And despite my best efforts to nap while baby napped, it rarely worked out like that. The laundry needed to be done, dinner to be made, cleaning what I could, catching up on phone calls, checking in with family and friends, feedings, pumping, changing clothes and diapers. Then my ex would get home and want to relax a bit because he had been at work all day. And he'd want to eat dinner or work out a little. I would be dying for a break from the baby, but he wanted to unwind. We became resentful of each other. It was really tough. Not to mention like clockwork every single day my son would start crying at 5 pm and continue for 3-4 hours (look up Purple Crying Period) and would only be consoled by someone holding him and walking. I tell you guys we put in miles pacing back and forth for hours. Anyway, that was a whole lot of talk just to say everyone's situation is so different. Most of the mom's on my previously BMB didn't have such experiences (which was also irritating! Haha). For those who might having your SO there in the middle of the night may be a way to survive.
And here's a weird trick that I learned from my previous BMB. I feel your baby is inconsolable and you are ready to pull your hair out try turning on the shower in a completely dark bathroom or just let it run from the spout. For a lot of us, the baby would stop crying.
This is completely random, but I was trying to find out what my hospital's c-section rate is, and I found a website which helps you find the stats for your state.
Thebirthsurvey.com has a state listing and it tells you what specific site to use for your state, if anyone else is curious.
Anywho, Florida doesn't tell you by the hospital but you can get down to county level. My tri-county area averages 33% c-sections, but I noticed there are two counties which have a 48% c-section rate! Holy smokes that is a lot.
Does anyone know a resource where you can find out by hospital?
I think that if she is making him getting up in the middle of the night every time just because, that kind of sucks. That being said, sometimes I would be at the end of my rope and Vi would be inconsolable and I would wake him up just to be able to collect myself. There's just so many different reasons, and it's hard to know without the full story.
Like last night DD was up in the middle of the night and H took over because I was just so frustrated. He had come off a 12 hour shift, and goes back for another today but he knew I was about to lose my shit so he stepped up.
@WinchesterGirl some hospitals post their own statistics. California publishes the rates for all hospitals - mine has 28.7%. And I think that Consumer Reports has a guide for hospital c-section rates around the country as well if I remember correctly.
@WinchesterGirl I'd ask your Bradley instructor. My birth class instructor knew my hospital's CS rate. It was 33%, which seems high to me but I really have no frame of reference. I'm guessing that my practice's is probably lower than that.
@WinchesterGirl I'd ask your Bradley instructor. My birth class instructor knew my hospital's CS rate. It was 33%, which seems high to me but I really have no frame of reference. I'm guessing that my practice's is probably lower than that.
I could be wrong because this was 2.5 years ago but when I took the tour at my first hospital I remember her saying the national average was about 33 percent. But that it varies drastically depending on your area and hospital. The hospital in my county probably has more like 50 percent whereas the one I'm delivering at is closer to 28.
My local hospital has a 35% C-section rate, which my midwives seem to think is high, but going off what you're all saying, it sounds pretty average. I do know there was one OB at the hospital whose answer to anything and everything was "C-section", and he just retired last year, so I wonder how much he was skewing the stats and if it will come down in the next few years....
C-section rates for some of your more major institutions might look worse- mainly because they get referred the more difficult cases. That being said though 90% is crazy high- wonder if that is an area with people who just want elective sections. Rates are also provider dependent. There is a local practice that a few providers have higher rates then the others in the practice. I guess the difficult part for most of us is that if we are in a group practice it's luck of the draw who will be on call.
@WinchesterGirl my hospital provides its own stats, but I also know that some hospitals have inflated C section rates- for instance anyone that's high risk or has known complications is required to deliver at a hospital with higher level care staff/nursery that can accomodate them. So those hospitals, since they receive more cases like that, will automatically be a bit higher in their CS stats.
So my Moms close friend had her baby at 24 weeks, back in the 80's. He's 31 now, and you would never ever know he was a preemie, he's super smart and as healthy as an Ox!
@WinchesterGirl my hospital provides its own stats, but I also know that some hospitals have inflated C section rates- for instance anyone that's high risk or has known complications is required to deliver at a hospital with higher level care staff/nursery that can accomodate them. So those hospitals, since they receive more cases like that, will automatically be a bit higher in their CS stats.
This makes sense, and also makes my hospital's 33% sound a lot better since it also has the highest level NICU in the state.
The one thing I learned that made me nervous during birth class is that the hospital has a policy that everyone delivers within 12-14 hours of admission. If it hasn't happened on it's own by then, they will find a way to "help" you. I'm with midwives, who of course have a bit of a different philosophy, so it'll be interesting to see how it all comes together.
@scottipino agree with everything you said. It was such a boring rotation for many of us because it seemed hardly no one had vaginal births. I got lucky because I go to to see a few and observe C-sections, which was awful!
I read through the December mom story and also looked up the March baby story and I'm officially going to start looking for a refresher class on labor. Let's all hang strong and not have any crazy stories here!
As far as getting up in the middle of the night it probably doesn't count with my first because they were twins and if both of them were up we were both up because if I was nursing I only did one at a time and the other one got a bottle. But I also discovered much to my chagrin that one of my first maternal instincts while sleeping upon hearing a crying baby was to wake my husband and tell him there was a baby crying. It didn't seem to matter what I thought was going on my first instinct was to send him in there first.
With my youngest she was exclusively breastfed but we also did a lot of not quite intentional co-sleeping. If she needed a diaper change I would make him go do that and then he could give her back to me and go back to sleep. I do agree with a bunch of people about the waking him up just to be mean because if I'm up you're up isn't cool, but if there are some underlying issues there including postpartum depression or she doesn't feel safe with the baby or she scared about dropping the baby or anything else then yeah it's his job to get up too.
Married - 7/29/06 Ben and Maggie - 4/10/09 Mia - 6/16/11 Surprise! due 2/23/17
@MissMerciBeaucoup Well, I checked consumer reports, and they have no birth stats on any of the hospitals near me (there must not be much reporting here). However, we did schedule a hospital tour, so I will ask then!
I was mainly curious because there are about 4 different hospital companies here, and I was curious of any of them were wildly different.
ETA: @yogadevil that makes sense, and the hospital I am going to deliver at does have a NICU and is central to the city. So, it's rates may be inflated. Hopefully they can give us details during the tour!
@poetryandoceans The World Health Organization recommends a 10-15% c-section rate. In the US our rates are way too high.
@Xstatic3333 Have you talked to H about your feelings? I haven't been feeling too resentful but sometimes I am. Like a few weeks ago, H wanted to go to a friend's party. But it was being held in a bar so I said "can you smoke inside the bar?" H said no. Well, he was wrong. And I'm not dealing with that so we had to turn around and I had to go home and he went back to the party. I had to tell him that was 100% not okay. He understood and has been really good about it ever since.
TBH, My bedtime is, like, 9:00 now so I don't want to go out ever.
@Gretchypoo he knows my feelings because I often end up getting snippy (bad Xstatic!), but the thing is that other than maybe the use of the Amazon gift card he's not actually doing anything wrong. At all. Why shouldn't he have a beer with dinner? There's zero reason. He knows I get bummed sometimes about the things I can't do and my loss of autonomy, and then responds by doing things like bringing me unsolicited ice cream and snuggling on the couch with me. He's a saint. This is my issue to work through, not anything he's really caused.
Glad your H is being more respectful of your feelings about going out now! Also, I'm amazed you can smoke in bars anywhere anymore! I thought that was just outlawed nationally at this point.
@Xstatic3333 I totally get that. I miss alcohol. And after getting diagnosed with GD I'm feeling resentful of everyone's eating. I saw an empty ice cream pint in the trash and a wave of jealousy almost made me sob. Christmas is gonna SUCK.
RE: Smoking in bars, I live in Missouri. Here in the big city, you can't smoke indoors ANYWHERE. But in H's small home town? You can smoke everywhere. It is disgusting and the smell is freaking awful.
@Xstatic3333 I'm good! I keep telling myself that I can do anything for a few months ;-P AndPlusAlso, I feel bad for feeling bad, one of my good friends is pregnant also and she just found out she has a blood disorder that causes blood clots and can cause miscarriages! So she has to give herself shots every day in the stomach to keep her and her baby boy healthy. If she can do that, I can do this.
@foxrosy, I had a very similar newborn experience. There was no napping when the baby napped because there was so much else to do! And she had a witching hour every night from dinner to when we would usually wind down and I would lose my mind!! She also barely slept. It totally sucked. And I did wake my H up during those tough nights and asked for help. Even just to pace with her while she cried. But I guess what I meant in my first post is that's unfair when it's not one of those nights. If you're BFing, your DH can help by changing a diaper, but they can't do a ton after that. I think making them stay up just because you're up isn't right. It's totally different if you need support though. My ex husband wouldn't have been the type to just sit up with me because I needed company. and that's probably why there was so much resentment there when she was a newborn. But I know my DH would absolutely sit up wit me if I needed it. I would just never make him to do just because I was up and wanted him to suffer too though!
I got insanely lucky and DD started sleeping though the night really early, like around 6 weeks. I was still breastfeeding during that time and hadn't switched to exclusive pumping yet so DH really never woke up during the night with us because there was absolutely no point and he had work. Occasionally on weekends I'd wake him up if I was feeling ragey and tired but that's about it. This time around I plan to EP from the start, and I know luck like that can't strike twice, so it's going to be more difficult with pumping at night and feeding. That being said, on weekends he will most definitely be waking up to help. I still won't put him through that sleep deprivation during the week when he was to work all day, or at least I will try my best not to.
Someone from the March BMB is having an emergency c-section today Thoughts going out to her and her LO. I can't imagine.
So scary!!! My sister had an emergency c-section due to pre-e and HELLP syndrome in August - she was 25 weeks, 5 days. I can say from firsthand (secondhand?) experience that it was terrifying to see that 1.5 lb baby being rolled down the hall surrounded by 6 doctors. Her three months in the NICU were really rough on my sister and BIL. BUT - that tiny baby is now home with her parents and almost 9 lbs. She even has a double chin. It's amazing what doctors can do to help preemies these days.
DH and I have talked about it somewhat, but he wants to be up with me in the MOTN. He gets the same amount of time off that I do, plus he's a night owl so he said he can help with changing diapers and feeding when I switch to the pump. Once we go back to work, he will probably be up because I cannot function without sleep and he can. We will see how it actually plays out when LO gets here though lol.
I got insanely lucky and DD started sleeping though the night really early, like around 6 weeks. I was still breastfeeding during that time and hadn't switched to exclusive pumping yet so DH really never woke up during the night with us because there was absolutely no point and he had work. Occasionally on weekends I'd wake him up if I was feeling ragey and tired but that's about it. This time around I plan to EP from the start, and I know luck like that can't strike twice, so it's going to be more difficult with pumping at night and feeding. That being said, on weekends he will most definitely be waking up to help. I still won't put him through that sleep deprivation during the week when he was to work all day, or at least I will try my best not to.
I have EB with both our kids. I also plan on doing it from the start again. I prefer to find a "groove". Familiarity and routine are comforting to me. Once your milk comes in, I would assume you will pump it all out and start stocking your milk stash. What I did, was wake up with baby, change the diaper and feed the milk from the last pumping, then after baby ate, I'd lie them back down and immediately pump. That way you have milk ready for babies next feeding. With my first, I pumped when baby woke up, but that takes time and he would just cry and cry until I got enough pumped. It didn't make sense, but I blame it on being young and inexperienced.
With waking up SO for MOTN stuff... my husband works 12 hour overnight shifts, I've learned it'd best to let him sleep his usual schedule, then when he's awake, he can take on more and be wayyyy more helpful. I can shower, and nap once he's in a good mood and rested. If we are both not sleeping well, we will both be grumpy and on edge. I think it just takes some time to find a good balance, hopefully that guy ad his wife will find a good swing @Janefelicity
Sorry I need to have an AW moment... I received the following in a message with a note attached to the end that said "The sweet little ones are yours. They are awesome boys!" Made my heart melt.
Tonight as i was helping work around the school there were some littles ones there and they were such great helpers. It truly amazing me how much school pride they have and how hard workers they are! Their parents are definitely doing awesome jobs! Love our school!
Coming in late to this MOTN conversation, I know, but I wanted to share something interesting that the nurse in our newborn care class said the other night. She said that with MOTN feedings, the non-BFing partner should wake up to put the baby back to bed after feeding. She called this a best practice for ensuring a safe sleeping situation for the baby, since BFing makes mom and baby sleepy. I am hoping to EBF for the first 4-6 weeks, including overnight feedings, and I was planning on just sucking it up and realizing that I will essentially only nap intermittently for the first couple of months. It doesn't seem fair to ask my husband to get up multiple times during the night just to put little dude back to bed. On the other hand, though, I'm anxious about the possibility of falling asleep while BFing and potentially putting my baby in danger. Does anyone think the nurse has a point, or is she being alarmist? This is one of those FTM moments when I have no idea what to believe.
@niceymeany hard to say... I've heard of people getting sleepy or falling asleep while nursing which is super scary -- but if you're having to wake up your husband to put the baby down you're probably awake enough to put him/her down yourself?
Re: Weekly Randoms (11/28)
@Xstatic3333 Girl, don't be so tough on yourself! Your feelings are 100% valid. This is a difficult thing we are all doing, cooking these kids. In one way or another, we have all sacrificed something (big or small) for our baby's best interest. If you are feeling that way about your birthday, maybe ask DH to skip the drinks that night out of solidarity?
Married: 9/2013
Love my LEO!!
TTC #1: 9/2015
BFP: 2/1/16 MC 2/8/16 @ 5wks
BFP: 5/22/16 RAINBOW BABY
EDD: 1/30/2017 *IT'S A GIRL!!!!*
Kirsten Grace 1/20/17
Thanks to you too @becbec28! If it makes you feel better, H is mainly all about the birthdays because it's the only time we let ourselves splurge on nice restaurant meals! Is your birthday right around your EDD?
also I never made my husband stay up with me the first time while I was breastfeeding. I only woke him up if I needed help like an inconsolable baby etc. he was working(no paternity) and I was breastfeeding and staying home so it seemed silly to have him wake. Occasionally I'd push him though if he was snoring while I was tired and grumpy. Lol.
The second time he was deployed when she was born and the first three months so it wasn't even a concern.
However, I was going to comment that I am actually kind of excited for those middle of the night feedings where I get to further bond with our baby. I've been feeling this kiddo kick and know what foods get him/her excited and squirmy. I know the baby is most active at night, and during meetings that I also don't want to be in. We get to share that bond with the kiddo already...your husband doesn't. So while it isn't 50-50, and I envy every beer he opens and buffalo chicken wrap he eats, we get a special experience as well that they biologically can't have.
But I also really want a beer. Or to feel like an adult with a glass of wine. The holidays I think are going to be tough.
You are right too that they can't have our special experiences. I feel so bad every time the baby stops kicking as soon as H goes to feel him. It really bums him out.
Anyway, that was a whole lot of talk just to say everyone's situation is so different. Most of the mom's on my previously BMB didn't have such experiences (which was also irritating! Haha). For those who might having your SO there in the middle of the night may be a way to survive.
And here's a weird trick that I learned from my previous BMB. I feel your baby is inconsolable and you are ready to pull your hair out try turning on the shower in a completely dark bathroom or just let it run from the spout. For a lot of us, the baby would stop crying.
Thebirthsurvey.com has a state listing and it tells you what specific site to use for your state, if anyone else is curious.
Anywho, Florida doesn't tell you by the hospital but you can get down to county level. My tri-county area averages 33% c-sections, but I noticed there are two counties which have a 48% c-section rate! Holy smokes that is a lot.
Does anyone know a resource where you can find out by hospital?
Married: 9/2013
Love my LEO!!
TTC #1: 9/2015
BFP: 2/1/16 MC 2/8/16 @ 5wks
BFP: 5/22/16 RAINBOW BABY
EDD: 1/30/2017 *IT'S A GIRL!!!!*
Kirsten Grace 1/20/17
He's 31 now, and you would never ever know he was a preemie, he's super smart and as healthy as an Ox!
The one thing I learned that made me nervous during birth class is that the hospital has a policy that everyone delivers within 12-14 hours of admission. If it hasn't happened on it's own by then, they will find a way to "help" you. I'm with midwives, who of course have a bit of a different philosophy, so it'll be interesting to see how it all comes together.
As far as getting up in the middle of the night it probably doesn't count with my first because they were twins and if both of them were up we were both up because if I was nursing I only did one at a time and the other one got a bottle. But I also discovered much to my chagrin that one of my first maternal instincts while sleeping upon hearing a crying baby was to wake my husband and tell him there was a baby crying. It didn't seem to matter what I thought was going on my first instinct was to send him in there first.
With my youngest she was exclusively breastfed but we also did a lot of not quite intentional co-sleeping. If she needed a diaper change I would make him go do that and then he could give her back to me and go back to sleep. I do agree with a bunch of people about the waking him up just to be mean because if I'm up you're up isn't cool, but if there are some underlying issues there including postpartum depression or she doesn't feel safe with the baby or she scared about dropping the baby or anything else then yeah it's his job to get up too.
Ben and Maggie - 4/10/09
Mia - 6/16/11
Surprise! due 2/23/17
I was mainly curious because there are about 4 different hospital companies here, and I was curious of any of them were wildly different.
ETA: @yogadevil that makes sense, and the hospital I am going to deliver at does have a NICU and is central to the city. So, it's rates may be inflated. Hopefully they can give us details during the tour!
@Xstatic3333 Have you talked to H about your feelings? I haven't been feeling too resentful but sometimes I am. Like a few weeks ago, H wanted to go to a friend's party. But it was being held in a bar so I said "can you smoke inside the bar?" H said no. Well, he was wrong. And I'm not dealing with that so we had to turn around and I had to go home and he went back to the party. I had to tell him that was 100% not okay. He understood and has been really good about it ever since.
TBH, My bedtime is, like, 9:00 now so I don't want to go out ever.
Glad your H is being more respectful of your feelings about going out now! Also, I'm amazed you can smoke in bars anywhere anymore! I thought that was just outlawed nationally at this point.
RE: Smoking in bars, I live in Missouri. Here in the big city, you can't smoke indoors ANYWHERE. But in H's small home town? You can smoke everywhere. It is disgusting and the smell is freaking awful.
This time around I plan to EP from the start, and I know luck like that can't strike twice, so it's going to be more difficult with pumping at night and feeding. That being said, on weekends he will most definitely be waking up to help. I still won't put him through that sleep deprivation during the week when he was to work all day, or at least I will try my best not to.
With waking up SO for MOTN stuff... my husband works 12 hour overnight shifts, I've learned it'd best to let him sleep his usual schedule, then when he's awake, he can take on more and be wayyyy more helpful. I can shower, and nap once he's in a good mood and rested. If we are both not sleeping well, we will both be grumpy and on edge. I think it just takes some time to find a good balance, hopefully that guy ad his wife will find a good swing @Janefelicity
I received the following in a message with a note attached to the end that said "The sweet little ones are yours. They are awesome boys!" Made my heart melt.
Tonight as i was helping work around the school there were some littles ones there and they were such great helpers. It truly amazing me how much school pride they have and how hard workers they are! Their parents are definitely doing awesome jobs! Love our school!