Baby fever/only child

leafyarch · November 2016

hello there

I guess I just need to vent.

I'm 27 years old, married for 4 years, dating for 11 years. Done with grad school. In a good job.

For a year now I have had the WORST baby fever. My husband knows this. But he just laughs it off whenever I talk about it. I keep telling him "2018 is the year!" But he acts like he is in denial.

I agree with him to some point - we live in downtown of the city we live in, in a loft, not at all ideal for bringing a baby home. We want to get a house in about a year or so. So the timeline makes sense.

But I've also been off birth control for a year and NOTHING has happened. My periods are super irregular and 4 docs have dx'd me wih PCOS. I'm glad I got off the pill when I did, but I guess I was just secretly hoping something would have happened by now.

Now to address the title of this post - I am an only child. All I ever wanted as a child was to be part of a big family, with that perfect mom who bakes cookies on a Tuesday just because. Be part of a big group of kids with lots of personalities. The siblings that tease you but you know you'll never have a friend like them, ever.

I knew this would never happen. My mom is sick mentally and did everything opposite of the Tuesday Cookie Mom. She was a bad mom.

I realized that the only role I could ever fill in the family life I wanted was Mom. Matriarch, if you will. Out of all the Kardashians, I stopped envying the girls and started envying Kris.

I don't look like my parents. I don't look like anyone. I don't have that person I can go to that grew up in the same situation as I did and can get support and advice from. I don't have anyone that loves me for exactly who I am, and knows everything I've been through. Sure I can tell my husband about my shitty childhood, but he didn't experience it with me.

I don't know if I'm making sense. I sometimes think I might have been a womb twin. I "miss my sister" sometimes, even though I've never had one.

I'm wondering if this is contributing to my baby fever. Having a child of my own is getting a family member that is mine.

Do any only children recognize this feeling or am I just scarred from a bad childhood?

SaphireSweetie88 · November 2016

@leafyarch

I am sorry you are feeling this way. I can relate to you in SOME points you mentioned. I am not an only child but my sister and brother are at least 10 years older than I am so I may as well have been the only child.

I was adopted but it was because of my shitty birth mother. I put a long story short of it in this spoiler if you care to read it:

I was born to a teenage mother who was (and still is) a raging alcoholic who was (and probably still is) in and out of jail. Due to her drinking issues (including while pregnant) I was born with a hole in my heart. A local church helped raise money for my surgery but she spent most of it on alcohol and who knows what else.
She was not a good mother but I don't know if the blame can be placed 100% on her because the support system she had was not much a support system. At some point, she moved in with a guy and his father. They were really the only support she had. I grew up under the assumption this guy was my biological father (found out at 18 he wasn't). This guy was worse she was - in and out of prison. He also sexually assaulted me when I was younger (before I was adopted) as well.
While my mother was "working" with the courts to learn how to be a good mother, social services was called on her a number of times for missing appointments, me being severely sick and her not bringing me to the doctor / follow-up doctor appointments, etc
Before I was adopted, I was placed in foster care at 18 months old. The courts tried to help my birth mother a couple times to see if she was capable of being a mother. The courts eventually determined she wasn't capable of being a fit mother and eventually she lost all parental rights.
I met my birth mother again when I was 18 (the only change she made was getting worse). The only good thing that came out of meeting her was I no longer wondered "what if" when it came to her. I asked about my biological father and after some convincing she admitted the guy I assumed it was, wasn't my father and so she told me who my biological father was (he's no better than her).
I didn't contact my biological father for a few years after that because he is in prison for sexual assault of a child (his 2nd offense) and that hit home a little too hard for me. I did start writing him to get some information for medical records and things but we don't really talk about much of anything. He knows I'm married, etc but that's it. He has mentioned multiple times that he would like me and my husband to come visit him but I haven't visited so far.
I was sent to several potential families and sent back to foster care for one reason or another before finally being adopted just before my 7th birthday.
There's more I could mention but I am sure anyone reading this gets the idea. I am willing to answer any questions you have.

As far as your husband is concerned, I would say you need to sit down with him and make him understand where you're at emotionally and what your thoughts are about TTC. Don't let him laugh it off - make sure he hears you.

I am more than willing to talk and be a listening ear for you. You can message me privately too if you would like.

funkykey · November 2016

Ack, @leafyarch - I am not an only child, but one of my closest friends is, and I feel for her all the time. What you're saying - like, about missing your sister even though you didn't have one - that sucks. I love my parents very much, but they are pretty kooky (not Tuesday cookie parents at all!) - having my siblings to talk to about it is so great. Whenever I'm frustrated or sad about one of my parents, I'll call my sister and she'll make me laugh until I cry, making fun of said parent. I hope my children will do this about me, because I don't plan on baking too many cookies.

It blows that you don't have a sister to talk to about your mom. For my friend, this is one of the hardest things - when she's frustrated or worried or angry with her parents, there's no one else to talk to, who understands.

For my friend, this hasn't contributed to baby fever, but I know other only children who end up with large families - like 3-4 kids. Truthfully, I stopped trying to explain or justify my own baby fever a long time ago. This is who I am, this is what I want, the "why" is irrelevant.

My DH wasn't ready when I was, and we had a lot of arguments about it. I had to wait longer than I wanted to, but we eventually got on the same page. (I had to really stick to my guns.)

I suspect a lot of women on the Trouble TTC message board have been through similar things with their husbands - in my experience, patience is a huge part of a good marriage. Only very rare couples are on the exact same page at the exact same time about every decision in their lives, especially the big ones, like when to try having a child, or, if that fails, when to start fertility treatments, which ones to do, how much money to spend, how much debt to take on, etc. It's a lot for any one person to process, let alone for a couple to process and then decide about together.

I don't know your situation, but I can vouch that it generally is responsible to wait until you're a little more set-up to start trying. For example, for us, it's likely one of us will take a bit of a pay hit when we have young kids; daycare is expensive where we are. DH and I thought about all of that before we started trying, even though I was more of the: "C'mon, we'll figure it out when we get there" school. He wanted to buy a house first, so we did. I'm glad we waited, because it means we're in a much stronger position now, for whatever happens.

But now that we have a house, there's always something. Renovations, new roofs, furnaces, etc. A couple of times after we've reviewed some upcoming expense, DH will suggest: "maybe we should wait longer to have kids; maybe it's good you're not pregnant yet." And I'm always like: "Absolutely not. There is no perfect time, and I've waited long enough."

Good luck with the PCOS, and with figuring it out with your DH - 2018 is a long way away!

hoffmanr7 · November 2016

@leafyarch First let me say that I am sorry you have to be here but glad you found us.

I am not an only child, so I cannot relate to that part of your story. But I would agree with @SaphireSweetie88 regarding your husband. I think you need to sit down with him and have a serious conversation about what you are feeling. He needs to understand your side even if he does not feel the same right now.

laurad75 · November 2016

Hi @leafyarch. I grew up an only child so I understand that want for a big family. Thankfully, I had a wonderful extended family and a pretty busy house and I consider myself very lucky to have had that.

You are quite young and certainly still have an opportunity to have a big family for yourself. Are you tracking your cycles with temping, checking CM and OPK's? I know it can be very frustrating to be TTC with no luck. You mentioned that you were diagnosed with PCOS but have you tried any treatments? It may be time for you to make an appt with an RE.

Baby fever/only child

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