Throatpunch Tuesday?

BenJay · November 2016

Got a last minute invite to a Halloween "party" (adults drinking, kids counting candy until bedtime). It's my DH's best friend and his wife, so I figure it'll be fun.

We started playing games after their kids went to bed. With alcohol involved, of course, it gets inappropriate. Someone makes a joke about "pulling out" and then DH's best friend turns to DH and said, "That's what you're doing wrong!"

DH said something to this friend after he kept asking about us having kids, and he finally said that we've been trying for a while and that it's stressing me out. I thought that this would stop the questions, the jokes, the comments. Because once this friend knows, everyone DH is close to will know.

What should I do? I ended up making a comment like "Great, everyone knows..." because I was too embarrassed to do anything else.

SoonToBeMommaHowe · November 2016

Sorry about the crappy Halloween party @BenJay. Those people don't sound much like friends...my goodness. Usually once you open up to people they leave it alone. Ugh....IF stinks

Bababatty · November 2016

Ugh, I'm sorry @BenJay! I guess I'd chalk this one up to the alcohol since I'm assuming his friend would not normally blurt that out to a room of people. Not that it makes it better, but hopefully that means it's unlikely to happen again. Maybe practice some snarky replies if it does happen, like "What? We could have saved thousands of dollars, tears, and months of anguish if only we'd done sex right? Damn. Perhaps you could come to our next RE appointment and share that with our doctor?" Alternatively, have DH tell his friend that you (as a couple) are not at a point where you can joke about IF, and that you especially don't want to talk about it in front of a group of people as it's a private issue you're only sharing with close friends and family.

I hope your week gets better!

funkykey · November 2016

That sounds awful @BenJay. I'd be so shaken up. Sucks that this dude made a joke about something so personal in front of everyone. Ugh. It also sounds like something out of an awkward comedy - like jovial friend cracks joke about elephant in room, there is total silence because EVERYONE else realizes he overstepped, and then you're on the spot, at the center of attention, left to find some comment, like: "Uhhhh..."

I'd try my best to give him the benefit of the doubt; I mean, I know I've made bad choices when I've been drinking. Plus, though the joke was inappropriate and insensitive, I'm sure this friend wouldn't have cracked it if he thought your troubles TTC-ing were serious - it's likely he has no idea how much you've been through. I know it's ignorant of him, but you could also read it like he's so sure you two are going to have a child that he's happy to tease your DH.

The other day, my SIL said something that really peeved me, and it took me about 2 days to calm down. I even wrote her a letter and then sent it to my best friend instead. I ultimately decided not to address it with my SIL because a) I think her comment came from ignorance rather than being mean-spirited b) I think my reaction was based on my own sensitivity - she'd inadvertently hit a sore spot and c) I gain nothing from making a big deal out of some offside comment with my SIL. I don't see her that often, and fights with inlaws usually aren't worth it.

I'd weigh all those factors in this situation, and then decide how you want to move forward. If you don't see this guy that often, you might want to let it slide, but if you're worried, might be worth either you or DH saying something.

Good luck!

SaphireSweetie88 · November 2016

Sorry @BenJay

We had a situation like that where alcohol was involved and very good friends were being very disrespectful and I ended up in tears and hiding in the bathroom. DH talked to them a couple days later and gave them a what-for about their actions. They were horrified they acted that way and did apologize. Maybe have your DH talk to them without alcohol being involved and see what happens? If they still don't seem to care about how their actions made / make you feel, I'd say they're not good friends.

BenJay · November 2016

Thanks everyone.

I talked to DH last night (he volunteers with his best friend's cub scout troop pretty much every week) and I asked him to talk to his friend, to say it wasn't cool and that I'm not in a place to laugh about our infertility. He told me he had already talked to him earlier in the day and said as much. It made me feel great that he's standing up for our family.

DH was a bachelor for a long time before we got together and he has historically protected his friends when they say something rude towards me. This makes more confident that we are a team.

Ultrasound tomorrow. Kind of nervous.

laurad75 · November 2016

@BenJay I'm sorry that happened to you. My H tells everyone that we are trying and has no problem sharing all of our details and making light of all the treatments we are doing. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt that this is his coping mechanism - he is historically the good time funny guy, but it gets uncomfortable.

BenJay · November 2016

I was hoping that giving the friends group enough information to make the common sense judgment call to not bring it up. Total fail.

@laurad75 - I think you're right about your H talking about it to help cope. Do you think he feels judged, like that he's feeling the pressure?

laurad75 · November 2016

@BenJay My husband comes off as super confident and nothing bothers him. He is full of shit and just as insecure as anyone else but he's got some deep seeded issues (I swear he has abandonment issues because he was expected to be independent too early - but he will deny that, obviously) and would rather die than let anyone know how he is really feeling.

In regards to TTC he is supportive but acts like everything we are going through is no big deal. We are 40 and 41 and just got married in May so everyone asks if we are starting a family and he seems to go into a bit more details than necessary with his answers. It doesn't bother me right now and I am pretty open about our struggles but I don't like when he makes a joke about it.

BenJay · November 2016

It took a while for my H to "get" how I feel. I thought he was annoyingly unique with his "it will all work out" line. Yeah, he gets to sit back while I go to appointments, pee on things, get poked and time all my meds. It was not really honoring how much energy I put into the equation.

Yeah, joking about it is just not ok.

txmomma16 · November 2016

@BenJay I'm so sorry you were "outed" like that without your permission. That's such a personal thing, and to have it just thrown out there is not ok. I'm glad your H supported you to your friends.

I will say that DH and I are the type to cope with humor, so there have been lots of jokes in our household and with our family. My own dad stupidly asked if we were "doing it right" when we mentioned it to him. Short of being flabbergasted at his ignorance, I chose to laugh it off and make some snarky remark. But, that's my coping mechanism. Not everyone is like that, and I'm sorry that you were made to feel like a joke, when you absolutely are not. I hope down the road you can find a way to laugh at your DH's friend's dumb comment.

To be honest, DH and I have a pretty strange sense of humor sometimes. When I had brain surgery three years ago, he asked the surgeon if he could provide an "off button" while he was in there. Or a mute. Most people would be offended or upset by that comment, I found it hilarious. The humor extends to my parents as well who joked about adding in a window so they could have proof that I had a brain, and my dad who told me he was convinced the whole thing was in my head. (Get it, in my head, hardyharhar.)

I tell you that to say that some people use humor in inappropriate ways to cope. It's not OK that he shared your story that way, at all, but hopefully he didn't mean anything malicious.

BenJay · November 2016

You two sound like you've got a fabulous sense of humor @kmallery08!

Maybe the next time it happens I will be able to just joke it off and not cry in private later.

txmomma16 · November 2016

Haha thanks @BenJay ! With as many health problems as I've been through during our marriage, the humor has truly helped us cope. If we can't laugh at ourselves, I think we'd spend all day curled in a ball. Sometimes we use the humor to deflect and not deal with what's bothering us, so it's not always healthy, but it's what we do. And we eventually do get around to feeling the feels and dealing the deals.

SaphireSweetie88 · November 2016

@BenJay

How did your us go today?

BenJay · November 2016

@SaphireSweetie88 - It went well! Got a call that I have a 2.36 cm folli on my right side. Left side had 6 over 1 cm. The OBGYN sounded positive about the whole state of my ovaries. Scheduled the IUI for Saturday morning. So excited!

Then the drama: the OBGYN wanted me to take my trigger at 11pm tonight. I called the pharmacy and discovered no order was put in. So, called Kaiser's nurse line because OBGYN closed at 5pm, and she put an urgent message in. It was in the notes that I needed it but no prescription entered. Waiting anxiously for a callback witg news that I have to cancel/reschedule the IUI or rush to the specialty pharmacy (an hour away) before 10pm close.

I felt so hopeful at 5pm to be sobbing at home an hour later. It's been an intense evening.

SaphireSweetie88 · November 2016

@BenJay

I'm sorry

Hope you get the prescription

BenJay · November 2016

Good news! I have Ovidrel!

After another long hold time, I finally got a nurse to contact the on call OBGYN. After waiting another 25 minutes, she called back to say it was ordered and ready for me at a pharmacy 35 minutes away. I arrived at 9:15, they close at 10. It was a close call!

Just waiting nervously until my 11pm jab. This has been quite a week...

funkykey · November 2016

Ah!!!! I am so glad you got it!!!

BenJay · November 2016

I was scared to poke myself but it ended up not hurting at all. Totally surprised by that.

Bababatty · November 2016

Yay!! I'm so happy you're doing the IUI this weekend! So sorry about the stress with the ovidrel. I had a similar experience once--except the pharmacy had neglected to fill the prescription and didn't have it in stock--so I know how stressful and aggravating that can be! Glad your trigger went well!

BenJay · November 2016

@Bababatty - OMG, how stressful! Did you end up getting it after all? I wondered if I was not able to get the trigger if they'd still go through with the IUI.

The best part was that the pharmacist was this way cute young guy. He was so nice (compared to the cranky old one who answered my Clomid questions with a grunt and no eye contact) and gently warned me about the price. I laughed and said fertility treatments aren't cheap. Neither are kids. He gave me lots of tips on injecting and wished me luck. The feels!

Second best part: laughing at the YouTube video when the actor had to pinch her cute little tummy to gather enough fat. No problem on my end.

Bababatty · November 2016

@BenJay I did

I discovered the issue in the morning and my doctor was able to transfer the prescription to a different pharmacy. (NY does only electronic prescriptions, which was the real issue. If I'd had a paper prescription, I could have easily gone to a different pharmacy on my own sans stress.)

Hahaha about the pharmacist!

Cute AND helpful! And the hilarity of the YouTube training video i think definitely distracts from the stress of having to stick yourself. I also have no problem gathering tummy fat, lol.

BWhitta · November 2016

Oh my gosh, @BenJay, so glad you got your ovidrel, the same thing happened to me and I ended up having a complete meltdown in the middle of CVS!!!! FX for you!

txmomma16 · November 2016

@BenJay Oh my goodness what a stressful adventure! I hope that's the end of the drama for you. You've had a rough two weeks, so I hope you get to take the next two weeks easy.

BenJay · November 2016

@BWhitta - Luckily my breakdown was at home with DH.

I got kind of emotional on that last desperate call to the nurse. I would have sobbed in the middle of the pharmacy otherwise.

@kmallery08 - And that's just *my* drama! A friend just learned her beloved cat has cancer and another found out her marriage is over. I haven't had the time/the heart to share my news with them. What's with 2016?

txmomma16 · November 2016

@BenJay

what a year for sure. 2016 has had well more than it's fair share of crap. I'm so sorry to hear about your friends, that's incredibly difficult. I hope you have friends you can tell to get the support you need.

BenJay · November 2016

IUI appointment in less than 2 hours. So nervous, so hormonal, so excited. I woke up way before my alarm and couldn't get back to sleep.

I'm scared to get my hopes up, though. I just remember how hard the first few months of trying were.

SaphireSweetie88 · November 2016

@BenJay

How did it go?

BenJay · November 2016

@SaphireSweetie88 - Good and bad.

Good news: My parts all check out. Just need to confirm progesterone in 7 days and cross our fingers.

Not so great news: DH had a low motile sperm count (2.2, she wanted 5+). Not sure what we can really do.

Just vitamins and exercise.

SaphireSweetie88 · November 2016

@BenJay

I am sorry to hear about your DH's sperm count

Hopefully that will improve quickly! Glad the rest of it went seemingly well

BenJay · November 2016

It just takes one little guy.

TWW commence!

SaphireSweetie88 · November 2016

FX @BenJay

Bababatty · November 2016

@BenJay So sorry about the low motility! My DH has low motility; I know how frustrating it is for both of you when you get into the office and you're hit with that. Can you remind me--did your H have an SA before? Just wondering if it was normal before, and maybe this was an anomaly. If not, I'd definitely recommend getting one and/or seeing a urologist. I really regret that we went through 3 IUIs before we saw a urologist who specialized in male infertility. Now DH is going to start Clomid, there's a good prognosis for it improving his motile count, and we should have definitely done it earlier.

funkykey · November 2016

@BenJay FX! You're right - it only takes one! Good luck!

BenJay · November 2016

@Bababatty - DH had his sperm tested back in May, at the one year of trying mark. First time was low. Second time was normal. So I thought we had eliminated him out of the fertility equation.

They give guys Clomid!? The doc just recommended vitamins and exercise. DH did not seem interested in seeing the urologist, but probably because he feels it's pointless. Maybe not so...

That's great advice. Thank you!

hoffmanr7 · November 2016

@BenJay Sorry for the low motility. Fx for a BFP!

Throatpunch Tuesday?

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