Resentful husband Vent

peregrinefalconx · September 2016

I'm sorry bc this is a vent. I cannot imagine that there are other moms in this position, but maybe? My husband has become resentful of me, I think, bc I am the primary care taker of this baby. He desperately wants to be more involved, particularly in feeding. I BF, and it has not been easy. I still struggle with sore nipples, her endless evening feedings, the OT to try and fix why my nipples are still sore. It's honestly very frustrating being tied down to the couch or chair for hours starting at 4p (not to mention the pumping at work, the constant anxiety that I'm not making enough milk, that working is interfering with production, etc). When he gets home, I try to hand her over to him but she's still hungry and is rooting around on him but feels helpless to help her. So he becomes resentful of me, particularly if I am just trying to finish up one last thing (like 2 more minutes to empty the dishwasher, or trying to get ready for the next day).

I'm now working PT and I am, will always be the primary care taker. He misses her so much during the day and would love to just stay home with her. I could have stayed home FT but decided for 9 non-monetary reasons that it was best for me to work 3 days a week (and i am pulling in very little). He goes grocery shopping and cooks (bc otherwise we wouldn't eat--she literally wants to nurse for 45 minutes every 45 minutes or so right during this time period). And it doesn't matter if I have to work the next day--I still have to get everything ready...wash all the bottles, get the milk ready, clean the kitchen enough to do all of these things. Get my lunch, clothes, her clothes. You know the drill. I don't even have enough time when I get home to even get her pumped milk away and feed the cat bc she needs immediate attention.

He's been working over time and hasn't been getting home until 6:30, after being on his feet the whole day. So he's been skipping being involved in what he normally would help out with, like her bath. And yet, this all seems to center around me not letting him feed her. He bought all this baby food for her to try and I told him I didn't feel comfortable (she was 3.5 months old and going on 4 here) bc of some recs saying 6 months before any solids. He even told me that he wants to visit a relative but doesn't want me to come bc of "having to deal with the whole breastfeeding thing." But really what he wants is to have her to himself. Which is fine. But I feel like he just wants the fun parts at this point. He doesn't want to take care of her nails and will never know what it is like to be on the constant clock of the boob.

So I've now become defensive of everything he said, after really trying to put on my big girl pants and just realize that he wants to be more involved. [But then I think of all the times that he just sits her up next to him in front of the TV, or when he is feeding her a bottle, the TV is on and he's paying attention to that.] All these things I keep in perspective but I am just so angry at this point that here I am, up on the net, at 2a, pissed. Is anybody else in a position like this??

Lizbeth86 · September 2016

Hi I'm lurking from June and since no one has responded I'm trying to help, but I really don't understand what's going on. Your LO is being fed your breast milk in a bottle during the day, but once you come home she cluster feeds on your breast? So your hubby doesn't get any time with her at night? What about motn feedings or morning before he goes to work?

Have you talked to any consultant about her feeding habits? Is she rejecting the bottle during the day and waiting for you? 45 minutes seems like a long time, like either there's an issue or maybe she is using you as a pacifier?

To answer your original question, i don't have this issue but I would if our LO didn't leave my boob all evening. My hubby comes home and misses her dearly and wants to hold her, etc. I'm exclusively nursing so he can't feed her, but he usually gets her ready for bed and rocks her off to sleep.

RSaini · September 2016

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. I wasn't able to breastfeed due to sore nipples and after trying for a long time i just gave up. My baby would cluster feed at night around 7 pm until 11 pm and I think he was just using my nipples as a pacifier so I made the decision to just switch to formula. That helped tremendously for him as well as for my sanity. It does get better. Maybe as suggested by pervious poster, you can speak to a lactation consultant about why she's on your breast for 45 mins. I was told to just stop baby after 30 mins and stay consistent with that. My husband works late and I am not working and he sometimes feels the same but as they get older it will get better. Stay strong @peregrinefalconx.

Victoria52516 · September 2016

I dont have the same husband issue as you, but he has also given her bottles of my milk and formula when we have had to supplement. So he has always had that time. I hear you on the bf struggle when your pregnant and all the docs and people make it sound like its so easy and natural..... it is sooooo beyond easy. We struggled with latching from the day she was born until about 3 months and I have stuggled to keep my supply up since I went back to work full time. I noticed if I stay on a the same pump schedule even on the weekends when I was bf her my milk supply stayed more regular. I would also pump and then let her eat since she can empty what the pump misses. The lanolin is awesome when I had cracked nipples and I would use a nipple shield while feeding for a couple sessions to give them a rest but still be able to nurse. Good luck I hope your vent helped!

LemmyRN · September 2016

@peregrinefalconx
Sounds like your husband needs to take care of the baby alone for a few hours to realize and appreciate all you do. Moms work their tails off keeping order to the home, taking care of everyone and in our case working. After I started work and my husband took care of her for most of the day, he finally gave me credit for everything. Before that when I would say "I'm tired" he'd be like "yeah whatever"... Never again after that day.

of course with the baby a bit older, your husband would be getting it easier than it was a few months ago. Go get your hair done, get a mani pedi. He'll be able to keep the kid alive that long.

peregrinefalconx · September 2016

Thanks for everyone's responses. It's good to know that I am not alone in the needing to supplement. I gave her several bottles last night bc I just couldn't take it with the nursing. I am finally getting the LC to my home on Friday. We've gone to support groups with her, the occupational therapist to help organize her suck, etc. Don't get me wrong, my husband does SOOO much. But he's on the road by 4am and didn't get home until 7:30p. The man works his butt off.

The upshot of this whole thing is that I went basically INSANE that night...so just a word of caution to others that these hormones can still make a moderately non-crazy lady completely crazy. Thanks for the support.

peregrinefalconx · September 2016

Lizbeth86 said:

Hi I'm lurking from June and since no one has responded I'm trying to help, but I really don't understand what's going on. Your LO is being fed your breast milk in a bottle during the day, but once you come home she cluster feeds on your breast? So your hubby doesn't get any time with her at night? What about motn feedings or morning before he goes to work?

Have you talked to any consultant about her feeding habits? Is she rejecting the bottle during the day and waiting for you? 45 minutes seems like a long time, like either there's an issue or maybe she is using you as a pacifier?

To answer your original question, i don't have this issue but I would if our LO didn't leave my boob all evening. My hubby comes home and misses her dearly and wants to hold her, etc. I'm exclusively nursing so he can't feed her, but he usually gets her ready for bed and rocks her off to sleep.

Since you asked many questions (thank you), this baby will eat anything, in whatever format, anytime. If I feed her a bottle myself, I usually nurse before and after. She drinks my breast milk during the day (4oz x 2). He gets up for work at 3a and is usually in bed before she is. At night, she would stay on for as long as I would let her. I typically just feed her 2 oz before bed in a bottle, nurse before and after.

I'm finally meeting with this LC. Gave her several bottles last night. She is gaining the appropriate amount of weight, or was (her 4 month is this friday) but she's small, in the 10th percentile. I know this LC is pretty strict but i am making it clear that we need to make things more manageable. I feel like it will be a $200 nursing therapy session, which is fine, bc this is kind of all-consuming at this time. And these stupid supps don't do anything. Or maybe it was going back to work--my supply seems to be steadily decreasing. And maybe she wants me more bc she's gone half the week. Ah....need to de-stress about it.

AdorkablePixie · September 2016

She's only taking two bottles a day at daycare? How long are you gone for? Typically she should take a bottle every 2-3 hours. Maybe she isn't getting enough at daycare? I agree with the first response, it seems like maybe she is just using you as a pacifier. If she actively sucking and swallowing milk when she is on the breast for the whole 45 minutes? If so, maybe she has a lip or tongue tie? Have you had that checked? I feel like at this point her feedings should be much shorter. I see she was born the same day as my son, his feedings these days last anywhere from 15-20 minutes, and that's on both sides.

About the husband thing, if he is resentful, have him give more bottles while you pump. He can give a bottle while you get all the stuff done that you need to get done. That might help.

celticlor · September 2016

I would also suggest the possibility of a tongue-tie, that seems a bit of a long time for a feeding and your other symptoms especially if you think you are losing milk supply makes me think tongue-tie. I like the idea of having your husband bottlefeed your LO while you pump, makes him feel included. Good luck! :-)

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