May 2016 Moms
peregrinefalconx
member
Resentful husband Vent
peregrinefalconx
member
I'm sorry bc this is a vent. I cannot imagine that there are other moms in this position, but maybe? My husband has become resentful of me, I think, bc I am the primary care taker of this baby. He desperately wants to be more involved, particularly in feeding. I BF, and it has not been easy. I still struggle with sore nipples, her endless evening feedings, the OT to try and fix why my nipples are still sore. It's honestly very frustrating being tied down to the couch or chair for hours starting at 4p (not to mention the pumping at work, the constant anxiety that I'm not making enough milk, that working is interfering with production, etc). When he gets home, I try to hand her over to him but she's still hungry and is rooting around on him but feels helpless to help her. So he becomes resentful of me, particularly if I am just trying to finish up one last thing (like 2 more minutes to empty the dishwasher, or trying to get ready for the next day).
I'm now working PT and I am, will always be the primary care taker. He misses her so much during the day and would love to just stay home with her. I could have stayed home FT but decided for 9 non-monetary reasons that it was best for me to work 3 days a week (and i am pulling in very little). He goes grocery shopping and cooks (bc otherwise we wouldn't eat--she literally wants to nurse for 45 minutes every 45 minutes or so right during this time period). And it doesn't matter if I have to work the next day--I still have to get everything ready...wash all the bottles, get the milk ready, clean the kitchen enough to do all of these things. Get my lunch, clothes, her clothes. You know the drill. I don't even have enough time when I get home to even get her pumped milk away and feed the cat bc she needs immediate attention.
He's been working over time and hasn't been getting home until 6:30, after being on his feet the whole day. So he's been skipping being involved in what he normally would help out with, like her bath. And yet, this all seems to center around me not letting him feed her. He bought all this baby food for her to try and I told him I didn't feel comfortable (she was 3.5 months old and going on 4 here) bc of some recs saying 6 months before any solids. He even told me that he wants to visit a relative but doesn't want me to come bc of "having to deal with the whole breastfeeding thing." But really what he wants is to have her to himself. Which is fine. But I feel like he just wants the fun parts at this point. He doesn't want to take care of her nails and will never know what it is like to be on the constant clock of the boob.
So I've now become defensive of everything he said, after really trying to put on my big girl pants and just realize that he wants to be more involved. [But then I think of all the times that he just sits her up next to him in front of the TV, or when he is feeding her a bottle, the TV is on and he's paying attention to that.] All these things I keep in perspective but I am just so angry at this point that here I am, up on the net, at 2a, pissed. Is anybody else in a position like this??
I'm now working PT and I am, will always be the primary care taker. He misses her so much during the day and would love to just stay home with her. I could have stayed home FT but decided for 9 non-monetary reasons that it was best for me to work 3 days a week (and i am pulling in very little). He goes grocery shopping and cooks (bc otherwise we wouldn't eat--she literally wants to nurse for 45 minutes every 45 minutes or so right during this time period). And it doesn't matter if I have to work the next day--I still have to get everything ready...wash all the bottles, get the milk ready, clean the kitchen enough to do all of these things. Get my lunch, clothes, her clothes. You know the drill. I don't even have enough time when I get home to even get her pumped milk away and feed the cat bc she needs immediate attention.
He's been working over time and hasn't been getting home until 6:30, after being on his feet the whole day. So he's been skipping being involved in what he normally would help out with, like her bath. And yet, this all seems to center around me not letting him feed her. He bought all this baby food for her to try and I told him I didn't feel comfortable (she was 3.5 months old and going on 4 here) bc of some recs saying 6 months before any solids. He even told me that he wants to visit a relative but doesn't want me to come bc of "having to deal with the whole breastfeeding thing." But really what he wants is to have her to himself. Which is fine. But I feel like he just wants the fun parts at this point. He doesn't want to take care of her nails and will never know what it is like to be on the constant clock of the boob.
So I've now become defensive of everything he said, after really trying to put on my big girl pants and just realize that he wants to be more involved. [But then I think of all the times that he just sits her up next to him in front of the TV, or when he is feeding her a bottle, the TV is on and he's paying attention to that.] All these things I keep in perspective but I am just so angry at this point that here I am, up on the net, at 2a, pissed. Is anybody else in a position like this??
*****Losses Mentioned*****BFP MENTIONED*****ALL WELCOME******ALL ABOARD!!
Me: 42, DH: 46, Married: 11/12
Losses: MMC#1 11/12 BO, MC#2 11/13 at 8w BO?, MMC#3 8/14 chromo healthy M @12 weeks, stopped growing at 10.
Negligible AMH, FSH finally went high. Pursued DE.
DD born at 38w2d on 5-27-16. Finally!!
Pregnant again with OE. EDD 11/9/17 Girl!
Me: 42, DH: 46, Married: 11/12
Losses: MMC#1 11/12 BO, MC#2 11/13 at 8w BO?, MMC#3 8/14 chromo healthy M @12 weeks, stopped growing at 10.
Negligible AMH, FSH finally went high. Pursued DE.
DD born at 38w2d on 5-27-16. Finally!!
Pregnant again with OE. EDD 11/9/17 Girl!
Re: Resentful husband Vent
Have you talked to any consultant about her feeding habits? Is she rejecting the bottle during the day and waiting for you? 45 minutes seems like a long time, like either there's an issue or maybe she is using you as a pacifier?
To answer your original question, i don't have this issue but I would if our LO didn't leave my boob all evening. My hubby comes home and misses her dearly and wants to hold her, etc. I'm exclusively nursing so he can't feed her, but he usually gets her ready for bed and rocks her off to sleep.
Sounds like your husband needs to take care of the baby alone for a few hours to realize and appreciate all you do. Moms work their tails off keeping order to the home, taking care of everyone and in our case working. After I started work and my husband took care of her for most of the day, he finally gave me credit for everything. Before that when I would say "I'm tired" he'd be like "yeah whatever"... Never again after that day.
of course with the baby a bit older, your husband would be getting it easier than it was a few months ago. Go get your hair done, get a mani pedi. He'll be able to keep the kid alive that long.
The upshot of this whole thing is that I went basically INSANE that night...so just a word of caution to others that these hormones can still make a moderately non-crazy lady completely crazy. Thanks for the support.
Me: 42, DH: 46, Married: 11/12
Losses: MMC#1 11/12 BO, MC#2 11/13 at 8w BO?, MMC#3 8/14 chromo healthy M @12 weeks, stopped growing at 10.
Negligible AMH, FSH finally went high. Pursued DE.
DD born at 38w2d on 5-27-16. Finally!!
Pregnant again with OE. EDD 11/9/17 Girl!
Since you asked many questions (thank you), this baby will eat anything, in whatever format, anytime. If I feed her a bottle myself, I usually nurse before and after. She drinks my breast milk during the day (4oz x 2). He gets up for work at 3a and is usually in bed before she is. At night, she would stay on for as long as I would let her. I typically just feed her 2 oz before bed in a bottle, nurse before and after.
I'm finally meeting with this LC. Gave her several bottles last night. She is gaining the appropriate amount of weight, or was (her 4 month is this friday) but she's small, in the 10th percentile. I know this LC is pretty strict but i am making it clear that we need to make things more manageable. I feel like it will be a $200 nursing therapy session, which is fine, bc this is kind of all-consuming at this time. And these stupid supps don't do anything. Or maybe it was going back to work--my supply seems to be steadily decreasing. And maybe she wants me more bc she's gone half the week. Ah....need to de-stress about it.
Me: 42, DH: 46, Married: 11/12
Losses: MMC#1 11/12 BO, MC#2 11/13 at 8w BO?, MMC#3 8/14 chromo healthy M @12 weeks, stopped growing at 10.
Negligible AMH, FSH finally went high. Pursued DE.
DD born at 38w2d on 5-27-16. Finally!!
Pregnant again with OE. EDD 11/9/17 Girl!
She's only taking two bottles a day at daycare? How long are you gone for? Typically she should take a bottle every 2-3 hours. Maybe she isn't getting enough at daycare? I agree with the first response, it seems like maybe she is just using you as a pacifier. If she actively sucking and swallowing milk when she is on the breast for the whole 45 minutes? If so, maybe she has a lip or tongue tie? Have you had that checked? I feel like at this point her feedings should be much shorter. I see she was born the same day as my son, his feedings these days last anywhere from 15-20 minutes, and that's on both sides.
About the husband thing, if he is resentful, have him give more bottles while you pump. He can give a bottle while you get all the stuff done that you need to get done. That might help.
Me: 31
DH: 29, SA - Great
Married: June 12,2011
TTC #1: 1/2014
Diagnosis: Hypothalamic Amenorrhea
Treatment: Clomid: 50mg, 100mg, 150mg - not successful and not monitored
Menopur 75ml (upped to 112.5ml), Ovidrel, & IUI IUI #1 8/31/2015
9/15/2015: BFP HCG - 400, 9/17/2015: HCG - 827, 9/21/2015 - HCG 3,327!