1st Trimester
Sferg1987
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Help. Advice for dealing with overbearing MIL
Sferg1987
member
I'm three months pregnant and my mother-in-law is over the moon, which is great, but she's driving me nuts.
Without making this a long story, there are some issues with hubby's family and his parents separated five years ago. My husband has a lot of anger with her he's still working out. Now that I'm pregnant it's just made it worse.
When my MIL comes over, twice now she's told me how disgusting my house is and cleaned it up even tho we said ignore it and just visit. It's not in the helpful sort of way either. She does it and tells us how lazy we are....we both work full time jobs and hubby is more focused on taking care of me then sweeping or mopping. It's not horrible but I've let the dust bunnies pile up because I've been so sick.
She keeps talking about how she is going to babysit and be here all the time and that scares me.
On top of that she has already started buying used baby books and other big items without asking if these are things we wanted or needed. It's nice that she wants to help in that way, however, she is on a very limited income so it's just really hurting herself. I'm worried she won't be able to pay for groceries or her rent.
I'm also frustrated because when it comes to baby, I want to pick his or her things out. It's my first baby and i want to enjoy picking out the things baby will use. I don't understand because my own mom wouldn't just pick out big items without shopping with me or asking. We would go together and make it a fun outing.
She means well but my MIL has a lot of issues, and she has this abrasive personality. I don't know how to stand up for myself while making it clear there will be time for grandma to spend with baby but she won't be in control.
It still hasn't hit me yet that I'm pregnant and I'm not excited yet because I know my MIL is going to have a lot of jealously. I barely see my own parents because of the schedule they work. But my MIL thinks we see my family all the time because they live 10 minutes away and she is 45 minutes.
I wish I had more time with my own mom.
Hubby tries to talk to his mom but it just end up in fights.
Any advice on dealing with family would be great.
Without making this a long story, there are some issues with hubby's family and his parents separated five years ago. My husband has a lot of anger with her he's still working out. Now that I'm pregnant it's just made it worse.
When my MIL comes over, twice now she's told me how disgusting my house is and cleaned it up even tho we said ignore it and just visit. It's not in the helpful sort of way either. She does it and tells us how lazy we are....we both work full time jobs and hubby is more focused on taking care of me then sweeping or mopping. It's not horrible but I've let the dust bunnies pile up because I've been so sick.
She keeps talking about how she is going to babysit and be here all the time and that scares me.
On top of that she has already started buying used baby books and other big items without asking if these are things we wanted or needed. It's nice that she wants to help in that way, however, she is on a very limited income so it's just really hurting herself. I'm worried she won't be able to pay for groceries or her rent.
I'm also frustrated because when it comes to baby, I want to pick his or her things out. It's my first baby and i want to enjoy picking out the things baby will use. I don't understand because my own mom wouldn't just pick out big items without shopping with me or asking. We would go together and make it a fun outing.
She means well but my MIL has a lot of issues, and she has this abrasive personality. I don't know how to stand up for myself while making it clear there will be time for grandma to spend with baby but she won't be in control.
It still hasn't hit me yet that I'm pregnant and I'm not excited yet because I know my MIL is going to have a lot of jealously. I barely see my own parents because of the schedule they work. But my MIL thinks we see my family all the time because they live 10 minutes away and she is 45 minutes.
I wish I had more time with my own mom.
Hubby tries to talk to his mom but it just end up in fights.
Any advice on dealing with family would be great.
Re: Help. Advice for dealing with overbearing MIL
Maybe she should no longer come to your home for visits, at least for a while. Invite her to meet at a restaurant. You could say something about how you haven't been feeling up to cleaning the house, so don't want to have anyone over. If she responds to that with "oh, but I don't count, I'm family" you can say, "Clearly it does matter to you, because you made comments about it the last time you were over. A visit at the restaurant is what works for us right now." It's your house, you don't have to defend your decision to not invite her in right now. She will hopefully get the message with that. A few firm conversations like that will hopefully help. Then if you choose to invite her back in, and she does something, you can firmly say "MIL, we will deal with that later, please come sit down. Can I get you some tea?" or whatever. Do something to enforce that this is YOUR home, not hers, she has no place cleaning it, and you are the host.
For buying stuff for the baby, why not tell her that, with her fixed income, it's important that she save her funds for her own purchases, especially since she doesn't know what you will be choosing to use for the baby, because if she buys something you don't need, you will be donating it. If you phrase it out of concern for her, not "I don't like this stuff" she may take it better. But there are real differences between parenting practices from our parents' generation and our generation, and there are some things they used to do that are unsafe now, so she should not get in the habit of making purchases. (I wouldn't explain this to her, because grandparents can take it super personally, but it's not their fault things like SIDS research has advanced so much since they were parents of babies)
I'd ignore the babysitting talk and focus on the boundaries that you can enforce and create now. She can say she'll babysit all she wants. As long as you and your husband don't agree with her assertion and create the expectation in her mind, you can deal with it later. After all, you are the one who will make the decision about who gets to be left alone with your child, not her.
Good luck! And as to "letting the dust bunnies pile up" -- the first trimester is rough, really rough. I know I felt like I would never have energy again. Don't worry, that feeling passes. Keep that in mind when dealing with your MIL, too. You may not have the energy to deal with everything she does right now, and that's okay. Define the boundaries you are comfortable with, and maybe just cut down on interacting with her until your energy levels pick up.
@poetryandoceans had great advice on how to approach her. Good luck! And remember that her reactions to what you say are on her and not on you.
Married 8/27/2011
BFP #1 9/28/2011 DS born 5/22/2012
BFP #2 4/24/2013 m/c 4/25/2013 at 4w
BFP #3 1/31/2014 DD born 10/14/2014
BFP #4 1/20/2016 m/c 2/12/2014 at 7w2d
BFP #5 8/19/2016 DS2 born 4/29/2017
BFP #6 3/7/2018 EDD 11/18/2018
you do need to tell her to back off. This is NOT the time to mend fences and care about her own insecurities - the single most important thing right now is that you are calm and happy, and that the baby is healthy - that is the overriding single one principle, if anything threatens it in any way - you should not have to put up with it. I know it's difficult but it's about your baby - nothign is more important at this point. Good luck!!!!
My DH: French guy, car fanatic, best husband ever.
Our baby boy: Due on 17 April, currently 37 weeks. I can't believe it - I made it to full term!!!!
Last measurement: 3150 gs at 37+1! This is going to be a big baby