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December 2016 Moms
dmontgo
member
Why My Family is Driving Me Crazy 8.9
dmontgo
member
Family: can't live with them, can't make them disappear under mysterious circumstances.
What's your family doing to make you reach for the mocktails this week?
What's your family doing to make you reach for the mocktails this week?
Re: Why My Family is Driving Me Crazy 8.9
This exercise will make more sense for those that had more emotionally or physically traumatic childhoods, but I am so glad I did it. I wrote to my inner child that her experiences were real, her feeling valid, and that she doesn't have to be afraid anymore because now I'm here to protect her. There's more, but what caused me to write this was inspiration from a counseling and healing YouTube video I watched about becoming your own emotional parent and giving yourself the childhood you wanted by healing your inner child. A lot of our hurt comes from the child us that didn't have the support and validation we needed.
So I wrote this letter to little dmontgo, then read it out loud to myself. Sounds silly, but I felt like adult me and child me hugged and made peace with each other. There will still be progress I need to make, but I felt huge relief forgiving myself for the guilt I held on to. Now me and my inner child can begin to heal together.
I encourage those that have had similar experiences to try it--you might be surprised!
It's titled, "It's Never too Late to Have a Happy Childhood."
He doesn't mention specifically writing a letter, but I used that as my way to start the process because it's tangible. I enjoy Family Tree Counseling's videos, although we disagree about going NC with toxic family members. Everyone is different, but I know personally I feel way better not having contact with toxic people. I hope this helps!
Me: 33 H: 36
Married: 12/14/13 DS: 1/29/09
BFP2: 10/9/15 MMC: 11/12/15
BFP3: 4/6/16 DD: 12/12/16
@cjt121413 That's awesome! I was relieved how much better I felt writing it. Like a huge weight had been lifted!
@kbduke That sounds so annoying. Sorry. And he's probably the type of person that if you were to react it would just give him pleasure.
I have never hit anyone, but I swear some people just need a good punch in the face sometimes.
I let myself have every single one of those tears. I felt like I was hugging little me, and silently told myself it's ok to cry! It's not weakness, even if I was taught that it is.
It's scary to do, and don't rush it--but I know for me it's given me a sense of peace with myself that I neglected for a long time.
She started her whole "I'm the grandmother, I deserve to be at every major life event," mess again. When she starts texting me, regardless of the subject matter, I swear my whole body just tenses up and I just have no words for her. It could be "Hey how are you feeling?" and it makes me feel just toxic because I never know where a conversation will lead. As some of you have pointed out, I have anxiety, and she is a major trigger because she has an unpredictable personality. I suspect she is undiagnosed BP and has narcissistic personality disorder. She compounds that with a wicked marijuana addiction. While she shares the blame with a wicked ex- stepmother for my awful childhood, she freaks me out because she's screamy and irrational and is still in frequent contact with me.
Due to her screamy irrational personality I just don't know how to set boundaries with her. She is not someone you can sit down and have a conversation with, definitely not someone you can be firm with, and certainly not someone who respects any kind of boundaries in general. It always turns into crazy town.
I have been reading the book Codependent No More and have gotten a ton out of it. It's been really awesome to start applying that to my life in other scenarios. However, tonight when she started lecturing me about her grandmother rights via text my brain goes, "ok now is your chance to set some boundaries here," but I just couldn't find the words. The inner child in me we have been talking about on this thread today is still very intimidated and afraid of her unpredictable behavior. I tolerate her in general so that it keeps her tormenting of me to a minimum.
I want to move forward and away from this, especially now for not only my sake but for Eaton's sake. I can't have her staking claims on things she threw away 25 years ago. I can't have her ruining yet another important life event for me and my husband because it's not about her enough.
With that said, I'm just not emotionally strong enough to have it out with her while pregnant. I don't want to put that kind of stress on Eaton in the womb, he gets enough of my anxiety without me having to take things to another level with his crazy ass grandmother.
I just feel so frustrated because I've been reading how to set boundaries and cope and here I am again even with the tools, clamming up because she's bullying me about my decisions. I just don't know how to move forward. I feel like we are barreling toward another psychotic trainwreck where I attempt to cut her off and she goes nuts and calls and calls and texts and facebooks and threatens to come to my house like the first year of my marriage. I just don't want this for this time in my life. I want to enjoy being pregnant (as much as my anxiety will allow) and enjoy my baby when he is born. I feel like she's going to end up tainting that the way she does everything and I don't know how to stop it.
You seem to be new to your healing journey, and you are exactly where I was when I started almost 10 years ago--so don't fret! Almost a decade of therapy, reading, watching videos and I just recently set firm boundaries and have gone NC with toxic people of all sorts. It takes time and effort, but I promise you will get there. It truly is freeing.
In the meantime, I have some suggestions for you: low contact and what is called "GreyRocking." Low contact is exactly that--low contact. Don't go out of your way to reach out or initiate contact. Do not respond right away when she calls or texts--get in the habit of letting calls go missed or texts unanswered. She expects to be the center of your universe, and by responding on YOUR time or not responding at all, you're telling her that she is NOT the number 1 priority. Let a few days or a week pass before you decide to make contact (if you do at all).
"GreyRocking" is when you don't react to whatever toxicity she throws at you. You keep a neutral tone the entire conversation, and you talk about neutral things. When my MIL would prod me for information, I'd always turn the conversation to the weather or something equally boring. By GreyRocking, you don't give them ammo or drama for later. Eventually they will get bored.
So say your mom asks about Eaton's birthday party--you know she's waiting for her invite. Respond, "We don't have plans yet, but have you been getting as much rain as we have?" Or say she starts yelling--"I'm cooking dinner, gotta go!" The more you use these techniques, the easier it will be to pull away and eventually go NC.
Be aware, however--even if you were to set boundaries, she will not respect them...in which case you need consequences. Ours was going NC, but yours may be not inviting her to important events for starters. Remember that NC is not motivated by hate or revenge, but by the need for healing!
If she starts blowing up your phone, I still stand by my previous suggestion of blocking her. If it's any comfort, my MIL is exactly like your mom. When we blocked her, we were scared because who knows what she could do? But almost 2 weeks later and we haven't gotten so much as a letter in the mail. A lot of times we build up "What could happen" so much that we become afraid to take action.
Just remember baby steps--you will get stronger and less afraid, I promise. DH can provide protection against her as well, don't forget! Don't beat yourself up--you've survived a lot. Always here if you need to talk!
I tried the "GreyRocking" before cutting off contact...it didn't work for me, it actually just escalated my mother's behavior....I couldn't even talk to her about mundane things, much less set boundaries.
That being said, @caseyewhitaker , it's sooooo difficult to talk yourself out of that fear of their unpredictable behaviors when you've spent your whole life being conditioned to expect it. I also felt like I could not take my mom's issues and also have a healthy happy pregnancy. Also - as far as what the grandmother "deserves" ....you don't owe her anything, my mom loves to rant about all she deserves and what we should do for her.
And I don't know what laws are in place in your state but I did my research - I'd have to be declared unfit, on drugs, abandon my child before my mom would have any "rights". Legal rights or made up in her own brain rights.
I hope you're able to work through and be strong so you can relax a little. Hugs!
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My family driving me crazy: My sister who is still in contact with abusive mom keeps asking me questions that I'm sure are coming straight from my mother. About the boxes of gifts she sent me, etc. Although I've asked both siblings not to pass info to my mother, I'm not truly convinced that my sister is able to stand up to my mother and NOT tell her all about me and my pregnancy. My brother I trust but it's looking like my sis is turning into a "flying monkey" for mom without even realizing it.
It made me really sad, but when my sister said "I told mom you were good...what did you do with the boxes she sent?"....I had to tell her I wouldn't be discussing it with her. I had to tell her that in order to protect our relationship as sisters, I won't be telling her about things between Mom & I. I reiterated that all she needs to tell mom is that I am alive. No further info. I'm really bummed that this means I will have to really censor my conversations with her from now on, but I have to do it if I don't want my mother in on every detail. I just don't want her stuck in the middle of something that's between my mother and I.
Im so glad you were able to do the exercise you did. Like you said, just simply validating those feelings to yourself can be so tremendously healing.
This isn't really a "drive me crazy" thing, just sad. My SIL has been a heroin addict for years and years. 2 years ago we all watched as they pulled the plugs on her son's father after they used together and he wound up overdosing. I'll never forget that day and we thought for sure that was the day she had hit her rock bottom.
Then she lost all rights to their son... Again, we thought rock bottom.
Shes been in and out of detoxes and living on the streets of a not-so-great city selling herself with her boyfriend to support their addiction.
Anyway, recently my MIL arranged help for her. They drove hours to get her and made every effort to transition her and set up resources moving forward (she would go from one detox to another long-term treatment center in another state). Well, we got word that she left. She's back on the streets and now we essentially are just waiting to hear that she's turned up dead.
I know my H is beside himself with this.. He's a fixer and he can't fix this. It's so frustrating to be on the outside of addiction and be thinking "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?" But we also know it's a disease that runs deeper than we can understand...
another SIL is waiting paitently for her BF to get out of prison... A BF who, the last time they were together, knocked down a door and put a knife to her throat. He's an alcoholic.. He has 2 kids, she has a daughter, and together they have a 1 year old son. The kids have seen everything and her daughter has said in no uncertain terms that she hates him.
I approached MIL about the fact that there needs to be an intervention before he gets out because I'm so distraught over the lack of concern for safety for those kids. I just feel like they are all going to turn up dead one day and I don't want to feel like we sat idly by waiting.
Sorry, that was long winded. It's just so sad and so frustrating... All of it.
It sounds like a really draining situation, between worrying for the SIL on the streets and then worrying about the kids....I'm sorry!
As I grew up, my mother waited repeatedly for her convict bf to get out of jail...then he'd go back....it got really old with him coming in and out of our lives and making the living situation even more stressful/abusive. He never harmed us kids but the potential was there all the time. I really hope for he kids' sake that the relationship doesn't continue, but unfortunately it will take your SIL actually realizing how dangerous the situation is. Hope she's able to do that sooner rather than later.
*hugs*
@caseyewhitaker you got this. It feels so scary because your moving forward even if it doesn't seem like it yet. Give yourself time and patience. The biggest shift for me with my parents was when I truly realized they are on their own path, making their own bed. I'm not responsible for their emotions and can't be. Now if my mom is laying a depressed guilt trip on me, I truly feel it when I shrug and say "that sounds tough"
since I was 8 she looked to me to step in and fix her problems. Now I simply truly don't care when she pins her problems on me. Not my problem and me trying to fix it for you is bad for us both.
A lot of people struggle with "Don't I need to tell them I'm going NC?" And the answer is no, no you dont. As the video above mentions, they may be your bio parents, but once you're an adult you don't need their permission or validation--you need your own.
You did the right thing with your sister--flying monkeys are simply enablers.
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@Christinaruth74 My young brother (19) struggles with pain killers addiction and alcoholism. My dad is under the impression that if he screams and pushes him enough, he will get better since he still lives at home. It's frustrating for me, but one thing I remember is that at the core of addiction is pain. I love my brother, but I can't take away his pain or make him change. I've suggested therapy (it's free on campus) to start dealing with his emotional baggage, but he's just not ready. He may never be ready. It's sad, but I can't take that on for myself. That's the essence of codependency, and I struggle with it a lot. I hope your SIL finds peace, and just know you or your husband are not the bad guys for detaching. We all make our own path, whether it lifts us up or destroys us. Hugs to you.
I talk to her very little (maybe one every few days) and almost always via text initiated by her. I do respond as soon as she texts and I can stop that. She isn't a patient person and I usually get the two eyeball emoji if I take too long to respond. As I type that, I realize that's aggressive and demanding behavior on her part and that I'm allowing her to subtly control my response time. I don't ever initiate conversations with her, mostly - I realize - because I don't want to talk to her. I'm interested in this "GreyRocking" technique and am going to look more into it.
You're right, I haven't taken any time to heal because I don't like the feelings when I bring them to the surface, so I avoid it. Avoidance is my super-power and my kryptonite. I realize that avoiding it isn't making it any better. I've been really getting into self-care lately. I have started actively engaging with myself rather than radio silence inside my head. My husband and sister talk to themselves constantly (in a non crazy way) and it always baffled me because I don't talk to myself at all. I don't even acknowledge inside me or attempt to engage her. Therefore, I tend to be ruled by feelings and emotions that come in waves, likely because this is my self's only way of communicating with me. I have never had any problem accepting care from someone I trust, like my husband, but I realize I need to be the one giving myself care first. The past couple of days, I've been actively asking myself what I need right now. Are you tired, dehydrated, hungry, frustrated? What do you need? And then gently giving that to myself. That might sound like second nature to someone else, but I wasn't doing that naturally.
The more she tries to contact me pretending nothing happened, the more clear it is in my mind that there is definitely something wrong that I cannot deal with or fix.
It is taking several steps for me to go from just ignoring to actually blocking her. I realize doing it all at once might seem more rational but I started with ignoring contact. Then I deleted/blocked her from social media. I just blocked her on my phone finally. Even though I know it's the right thing for me, it's still been a difficult process.
I hope I don't have to restrict my contact with my sister any further. I know I'm a big support to her but if she can't untangle herself....
Good for you that you don't initiate communication most times--a lot of people I speak with say they feel a lot of guilt if they don't call their parents at least once a day! When someone texts me and I don't want to respond, I immediately delete the text so it's not there for me to ruminate over. If they send another one, I delete that too. She will eventually get the message that you have nothing to say to her, although it may take some time. If she calls you and you answer, keep the calls 5 minutes or less. The longer you're on the phone with her, the less powerful you will feel as the call drags on. Keep your letter close so at any time you can set those boundaries and then walk away from the conversation. Never apologize for your boundaries.
The feelings we have are so complex because they easily go from one end of the spectrum to the other. One minute there's intense guilt and fear, the next it's anger and sadness, then feelings of "I'm ok." Let's yourself feel your feelings. It's ok to cry. The emotions may be scary and ugly, and it can be painful. Just do it a little at a time. Ask your DH to be there if it makes you feel safer when you talk about it out loud. You're doing great by asking yourself what your needs are--that's often the biggest thing that goes neglected. You've got this!
Who wants to bet money that they will bug me about the name? I'm not telling them until he is born.
Also, cue the "I'm gonna make sure my grandson grows up to be a MAN" bullshit. Uh, he already has a dad, thankz.
Ok, I opened up this thread ready to talk about nosy family members, but then I read all the other family problems here and I feel like my problems with my family are not even all that important. But I will tell you about my future SIL (my brother's FI) and how annoyed she made me. Maybe some of you might actually like hearing about mundane problems. I might even talk about my mother. She isn't as toxic as the other mothers spoken about here, but she can be frustrating and controlling and I get very anxious when I see it is her who is calling or texting. I will say I do have family members who are so toxic that I have gone NC with them. I don't speak to most of my mother's family. And I have very little contact with my father's family. And I had NC with my father in the 10 years leading up to his death.
Anyway, about my future SIL...we all met up at my aunt's house for a family get together. Someone, not sure who, started asking me if we had considered any names after the first few we had mentioned. I had decided, after all the negative feedback from my FI family, that I wasn't going to discuss names with anyone other than my FI for a while. I tried deflecting by saying "no, not really", even though we had. I knew my FI would take my lead and realize I didn't want to talk names and not say anything. But my future SIL just didn't or wouldn't take the hint and kept hammering away with names. Then everyone else followed her lead and hammered us with names as well. I tried to be polite and just said no to everything and sometimes gave a legitimate reason. I swear she must have suggested at least 50 names herself. I wanted to say to her "If you want to name something have your own baby, or get a dog."
Then she brought up religion and baptism. Now, back story here: I was christened as a baby as n Episcopalian, but I have been atheist since college. my FI is Catholic, but not very religious. However, he does believe in God and is a bit more traditional than I am. We have discussed this issue but haven't really come to a conclusion yet. Correct me if I am wrong, but this is something that should be just between me and my FI until we say something, right? But she said to my FI, "you're Catholic, right?" First off, what made her assume he was Catholic? Just because his last name is Hispanic? He said he was, and then she started launching into baptism and family and godparents. She barely got started before I cut her off, probably a bit rudely, but I didn't care. I told her that it wasn't decided and it was a topic that was off limits. Period. What I want to know is why would she assume we would baptize the baby Catholic? What if we were going to baptize her Episcopalian? Or did she just assume because my FI was Catholic we would make the baby Catholic? I know mu future SIL is Catholic and is very involved in her church. Does she think Catholic is the only way to be?
My feeling is that believing in a religion/faith, or having lack of is a personal decision that no one can make for you. In truth, I would want to raise my baby atheist as well, but with a Catholic FI I know that might not be possible. So I came up with this alternative. I want to expose my baby to all forms and then let her choose what way she want to be when she is old enough to understand. But this is a personal decision my FI and I need to make together and I felt very insulted when my future SIL assumed the baby would be Catholic, like my beliefs don't matter because I am not Catholic and don't' believe in God.
Why is she so freaking nosy?
Sorry this is so long, and I thank anyone who read the whole thing. And if anyone out there has any experience with mixed faith couples and having a baby, I would welcome it.
As far as the religion stuff goes, I'm atheist as well. DH is too. He was raised Catholic, and I was raised fire-and-brimstone Southern Baptist. We have not told our families that we are not believers anymore, so we would get a lot of questions from MIL (before we went NC) about when we are baptizing the baby, then my family urged me to use a biblical or Christian name if it's a boy. We just have told them that we want our child to decide what religious beliefs, if any, he holds. They haven't pushed more about it, but they had their chance at raising their children the way they felt was right--we're just going in a different direction. It's no one's business what religion or lack thereof you hold or teach at home.
"OOHHH I TOLD YOU IT WAS A BOY! Damn, I don't know why you both never listen to me! What are you going to name him?? What is the little man's name going to be? LEMME KNOW BYE"
*copious fart noises*
TTC since 6/13
Diagnosed w/ PCOS 4/9/15 - R/E recommended lifestyle change
BFP 4/10/16 - DS born 12/16/2016
SURPRISE! BFP 3/8/18
We had known my dad would make a big deal if I was having a boy. He found out and left me an obnoxious voice-mail to gloat about how he knew from the beginning it was a boy, blah blah blah. I let an hour or more pass before I simply say that "We don't have a name picked out yet, but we are very excited."
I *know* he is going to make this about him.
"I told you it was a boy!"
OK, don't react.
"Haha, no one could have known what baby would be. I am just excited he is healthy."
He can't let it go.
"I knew this entire time!"
I delete the conversation and don't respond because it is pointless. Everything I've ever done is about him. Every accomplishment I have done or won, he takes credit for it...degrees, sports championships, language competitions, science projects...doesn't matter what it is. There is no fucking way he had anything to do with Ashton being a boy. He can't claim credit for any of it. Logically, I know this. Emotionally, I'm trying hard not to feel angry at the absurdity.
DH says that by letting him get in my head, he is winning. He can try all he wants, but this baby is ours. Our love created Ashton, and no one can take that away. DH is right.
I'm laying on my bed just processing. I am proud I dropped the conversation and didn't feed the narc supply, but there is always something profound you'd wish you'd say that would shut them up forever. Best not to dwell on it, because battles with narcs only hurt you in the end. He can't control me or take credit for me anymore--I've become the person I am today because of me.
Looks like more weeks of not reaching out. Sounds good.
I'm definitely not saying what your dad is doing is right, I remember some of the other things you've said about him and his comments are definitely out of line. Have you ever considered doing family counseling with him? He may not even realize that what he's saying or doing is wrong/unhealthy/narcissistic. If it's worth it to you to salvage what you can of that relationship, he may be willing to do family therapy with you. I hope it's a relationship you can salvage; I never really had a relationship with my dad's family, for good reason, but I still wish I could have had my "whole" family. I hope whether or not you salvage your relationship with your dad that you are able to heal and move past the experience, the fact that you know what he's doing is wrong means you won't make the same mistakes with Ashton.
Yes, this. Let me know if you ever find that illusive gem. It's so infuriating when they get inside your head. You're absolutely right, he couldn't have known, he had a lucky guess. Ashton, as your DH said, had nothing to do with him or his presuppositions. I might surmise that someone enjoys corn by narrowing down known probabilities but that doesn't mean that I can take credit for their enjoying the corn.
You have been so helpful when I've been struggling with things. I obviously don't have the insight or advice you do, but I know what it feels like to be eaten up with frustration after interacting with someone like this and just want you to know that I'm here to listen anytime.
Verbally and emotionally wasn't much better--I have called a bitch several times, been told I'm ugly, fat, stupid, manly, etc. But 90% of the time it was under the guise of "joking." If I made a 97 on a test, he'd ask why I didn't do better. But in public, if I won an award, he was suddenly proud and would take credit for my work. Behind closed doors, nothing I did was good enough, and since in public he was so great, I was very alone in my experiences. It's a huge bone of contention I have with him. My poor brother had/has it even worse than I did because my dad wants him to be a "man."
I have tried in the past talking to him about things that happened, and also how he takes credit for my accomplishments, but he doesn't care. He ironically thinks psychology is fake and weak. He doesn't think he needs help. He gave us gifts (as a tool for manipulation later), food, clothes, and a home, so in his eyes he is golden.
I do not blame him for his childhood. But I do very much blame him for not getting help and treating us like shit. That is his responsibility. Do I think he loves me? I think he loves the image I provided for him as a child. I think he loves me as a posession, not a person. It's really one of the hardest things to wrap your head around when you talk about narcissistic abuse, because it goes against everything we believe parents should be. It's hard for a normal person to understand that someone is incapable of loving another person.
So when he talks like that, it is very triggering for me. Obviously I've gotten much better, but him taking credit is another form of control, not so much he is proud to be a grandpa. He also values boys over girls--he was told I was a boy, but when I came out, he begged my mom for a son. Once my brother came along, he mostly stopped doing things with me. Ashton to him is a third chance at having the child he wanted but didn't get in me and brother.
Were there good times? Sure. But they don't in any sense outweigh the pain I carried as a child and even some now. That's why it's better for me to be low contact--much healthier for me.
Sometimes I still mourn that, but I can be proud knowing Ashton will be safe and loved because we cared enough to get help. Plus, DH's father's family is awesome and I've been enjoying getting to know them more.
PS--I wasn't trying to sound pissy before--wasn't sure if I had ever shared why my relationship with my dad is so strained. I keep in contact because of my mom.