Intro: 18 Week Loss

danielle913-2 · June 2016

Hi ladies,

On April 29th after waking up to my underwear filled with wetness and brown discharge, I went to the ER who then sent me to L&D. I had been having some light cramping and back pain in the days before but thought it was growing pains. They couldn't find the heartbeat with the doppler but I still didn't worry too much because I knew I had an anterior placenta and it was sometimes hard to find. Even during the ultrasound I still didn't worry because I figured the ultrasound tech wouldn't be able to keep such a straight face if something was seriously wrong. She told me they'd go over everything when I got back upstairs in a relatively cheery manner, so it put me at ease. Which looking back now, I almost feel sorry for myself and my naiveté in that moment. About 30 minutes later the gyno and a nurse walked in and told my husband and I that our baby had passed. I don't think i've ever screamed so loud in my life. I replay that moment over and over in my head. I remember screaming and crying and asking how in the world would we tell our 3 1/2 year old, who was SO excited to become a big sister. It was all she talked about. I could have swore I had been feeling the baby move all week. Even that morning in the waiting room. Which made me feel crazy. The doctor told me i'd have to deliver the baby. I just kept saying "I can't do this." I was in shock. But I did. It only took 3 hours after they inserted the pills for me to deliver our baby. Too quick for me to have an epidural so I felt it all even on the morphine. Worst pain of my life. We were supposed to find out 4 days from then what the sex was. It was a baby boy. My husband looked at him and touched him, but I couldn't do it. They told me that his head was deformed from the process of delivery likely. I don't regret the decision now but I feel like at some point I might. The baby was measuring at 15 1/2 weeks but the doctor feels like he passed away within that week just judging by his appearance. I ended up need an evac D&C to remove some of the placenta that wouldn't come out. I feel like this is all over the place and I'm sorry. Its my first time reliving it all like this and its coming out a little disjointed.

A week later I had my followup with the doctor for an exam and to go over the tons of bloodwork they took. The only thing she was concerned about was the fact that I had the MTHFR gene mutation. She said that likely what happened was a clot formed in the umbilical cord and was cutting off supply to the baby. I sobbed when it seemed we had found the answer. I had been blaming myself, replaying everything I had done in the weeks prior and wondering what it was I did that killed him. A few days later I went to the hospital to get a copy of all the bloodwork so I could go over everything myself. Interestingly, it said that I had a milder form of the mutation, heterozygous a1298c, which doesn't generally present problems in pregnancy. So now I feel like that's not what caused it at all. I also noticed I tested positive on the antinuclear antibodies test and for one of the antibodies for sjogrens syndrome which I had never heard of. I was surprised she didn't mention any of this to me but for one reason or another maybe felt like it wasn't something to be concerned about. I was hoping they tested my thyroid but they didn't. I have a strong family history of hashimoto's disease, including my mom. That's definitely something I want to get tested before I try again because i've always felt I had a lot of the symptoms.

Currently i'm dealing with what I believe is my first period since it happened. It started about 27 days after I delivered. It is extremelyyy heavy and like no period i've ever had before. Going on about a week now. I had only stopped bleeding from the procedure maybe a week before I got it, so I feel like i'll never go back to normal. Its hard to emotionally heal when you have constant physical reminders.

I just feel so sad. Just imagining what he could have been. How excited we all were for him. And just in shock that it happened so late. I even waited til I was 15 weeks to make the big facebook announcement, JUST to be on the safe side. This is the most traumatic thing I have ever experienced and I feel like i'll never be the same. My anxiety is on another level, like i'm always just waiting for the next bad thing to happen. I have a hard time leaving my daughter when I go to work everyday. I just want to keep everyone I love close to me at all times. My daughter asks every few days or so about Dominic. Why does he have to stay with Jesus and can't be home with us? How did he get there? She is so smart for her age but it's still a hard concept to explain. It breaks my heart every time.

Again i'm sorry this is all over the place. I'm still so heartbroken even though it was a month ago. Has anybody else been told they had a MTHFR mutation? Was anybody else's first period after their loss really horrible? For those who had 2nd or 3rd trimester losses, were you able to find out what caused it? Thank you all for any feedback.

msunshine123 · June 2016

I am so very sorry for the loss of your son Dominic and all that you are experiencing. Your feelings are normal. You tend to hold all those close to you tightly after the unthinkable has occurred. I lost my son day of delivery due to a cord accident they believe occurred when my labor started. Cord accidents are not that uncommon at any point during the pregnancy.
I'm sorry I can't be much help with the rest of your questions, but I would recommend talking to your MD or another MD for clear answers.
Be patient and kind to yourself. You would have done everything and anything for your child if you could have, but it was out of your hands. Do what you need to do to get through each day. In the beginning it's so hard, but you'll soon notice more and more better moments, days and months. It takes time, but you'll get there. Thinking of you and sending big hugs your way.

danielle913-2 · June 2016

@msunshine123 Thank you so very much for your response. I am so sorry for your loss as well.

amwangel · July 2016

I relate to this so much. I even delivered my baby the same day - April 29th. I'm typing with tears in my eyes. I was almost 22 weeks and we found out that our baby likely wouldn't make it just before 20 weeks. The worst time in my life. I have nothing to offer except sympathy. I haven't gotten prevention answers yet and am terrified of losing another baby.

jmacd22 · July 2016

I had an extremely late loss at 38 wks. They did so much blood work. They did an autopsy. They still had no answers because both of us were perfectly fine and healthy. So that really gives me no closure at all. No way to prevent it in the future, no definite cause, and the doctors just say it's highly unlikely that it will happen again. But I was already in the smallest statistic before when I lost my child 2 weeks before my due date. It's hard. I can't really remember my first period after but I do know that I bled for quite some time after the delivery. I felt like I bled longer than normal. At the 6 wk appointment where you can get cleared to have sex I was still bleeding from the delivery. I never really had heavy periods and I do remember the first few not being normal to my standards. I'll be sending Thoughts and prayers your way.

danielle913-2 · August 2016

@amwangel I am so sorry for your loss.. I know what you mean about it being the worst time in your life. 3 months later and it still feels really raw some days, and I still can't talk about him without crying. I still want another baby so bad but I am terrified as well. I truly don't think I could handle the grief of this happening again.

danielle913-2 · August 2016

@mcdonald-bailey I am so very sorry for your loss. Not having definite answers adds to the hurt and confusion of it all and i'm sorry you had to go through that, especially so late in your pregnancy. My heart breaks for you.

MamaBish · August 2016

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your sweet boy. It's one of the hardest things to go through. And you are right, you will not be the same again. You may return to yourself mostly, but now there is a sadness that never really leaves. I'm almost a year and a half out from my loss and it still brings me to my knees, although it happens less often than the beginning. Therapy helped me a lot, as well as any grief related workshop or site on the internet. I tried to actively grieve and I think that helped.

To answer your questions:
My first period was very heavy and lasted about 2 weeks.
My loss was at 28 weeks and we don't have a definitive answer. It could have been a car accident I was in at 20 weeks that damaged the placenta (this is what I believe caused it), or it was preeclampsia that did not present itself outwardly which damaged the placenta.

Try not to focus on the woulda/couldas. It's torture. I try to just make the most out of this life because I think that is what my daughter would want.

Hugs to you and your family

PabloAndChristine · August 2016

I am so sorry @danielle913. We have all been there. Our little girl went to heaven ahead of us (how I like to think of it) June 17th at almost 25 weeks after we suddenly got a very bad infection due to me being dilated and on bedrest for almost 2 months. I'm at the point where I can get through most daily activities emotionally, but there are still lots of triggers that I can't predict/prevent especially working in a doctors office and having stepkids (our 8yo loves to talk about how she wishes her baby sister was here and the 3 yo loves to talk about how she's not the baby anymore, which I actually really like)

I spotted for a month, then got my first period about 2 weeks later and it was a lot heavier than normal but lasted the same as normal (about 5 days). I was pretty emotional about getting it too... Kinda felt like my reproductive system was moving on!

My thoughts/encouragement: 1. You're not alone 2. It is normal to feel sad even months later, but don't just grin and bear it- surround yourself with support whether it's friends, family, therapy, The Bump community ;-) 3. We are changed forever by this. We all loved our babies even before birth and they will always be a part of us. When you do start to feel better and have good days you might feel guilty, but it's ok. When you have bad days, don't feel guilty because that's ok too! 4. I hope you have faith to keep you positive through this most difficult thing in life! Trusting God has a great plan in all this is what is getting my husband and I through this in one piece!

danielle913-2 · August 2016

@MamaBish I am so sorry for your loss as well. Never having gone through grief like this, I expected it to be something that continually got easier everyday but its so much different than that. It kinda feels like good days and bad days at this point. Some days I feel in a relatively good place emotionally about it, and others it feels so raw and painful, like it just happened yesterday.

I agree with what you said about making the most out of your life because it's what your daughter would want. I try to remind myself of that too. That he's happy and at peace and wants the same for me.

Thank you for your supportive words

danielle913-2 · August 2016

@PabloAndChristine I am so sorry for your loss as well. I really love that thought.. that they went to heaven ahead of us. I know I will be reunited with him one day and it's one of the things that gives me strength.

I know what you mean about triggers. Commercials with babies have been a tough one for me. And it seemed like everybody I know was due around the same time as me and they have begun to have their babies or are posting pictures of their healthy round bellies. I get so disgusted with myself for having any sort of jealousy or negative feelings about it but I know that it's just the grief making me feel that way.

My almost-4 year old still talks about her baby brother almost on a daily basis and it's heartwarming and heart-wrenching at the same time. The other day she asked if Jesus had a phone so she could call and talk to him and it took everything in me to not dissolve into tears in front of her. I just know how badly she wanted to the perfect hands-on big sister.

Thank you so very much for your supportive words

PabloAndChristine · August 2016

@danielle913 it may also be ok to cry in front of her. While I wont outright bawl in front of my step kids, occasionally when they said heartwarming/heart wrenching things I would start to cry and couldn't stop it. When they asked I just said it was because I miss her very much and am happy they wish their baby sister was here too. They seemed to respond really well to that.

Intro: 18 Week Loss

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