On April 29th after waking up to my underwear filled with wetness and brown discharge, I went to the ER who then sent me to L&D. I had been having some light cramping and back pain in the days before but thought it was growing pains. They couldn't find the heartbeat with the doppler but I still didn't worry too much because I knew I had an anterior placenta and it was sometimes hard to find. Even during the ultrasound I still didn't worry because I figured the ultrasound tech wouldn't be able to keep such a straight face if something was seriously wrong. She told me they'd go over everything when I got back upstairs in a relatively cheery manner, so it put me at ease. Which looking back now, I almost feel sorry for myself and my naiveté in that moment. About 30 minutes later the gyno and a nurse walked in and told my husband and I that our baby had passed. I don't think i've ever screamed so loud in my life. I replay that moment over and over in my head. I remember screaming and crying and asking how in the world would we tell our 3 1/2 year old, who was SO excited to become a big sister. It was all she talked about. I could have swore I had been feeling the baby move all week. Even that morning in the waiting room. Which made me feel crazy. The doctor told me i'd have to deliver the baby. I just kept saying "I can't do this." I was in shock. But I did. It only took 3 hours after they inserted the pills for me to deliver our baby. Too quick for me to have an epidural so I felt it all even on the morphine. Worst pain of my life. We were supposed to find out 4 days from then what the sex was. It was a baby boy. My husband looked at him and touched him, but I couldn't do it. They told me that his head was deformed from the process of delivery likely. I don't regret the decision now but I feel like at some point I might. The baby was measuring at 15 1/2 weeks but the doctor feels like he passed away within that week just judging by his appearance. I ended up need an evac D&C to remove some of the placenta that wouldn't come out. I feel like this is all over the place and I'm sorry. Its my first time reliving it all like this and its coming out a little disjointed.
A week later I had my followup with the doctor for an exam and to go over the tons of bloodwork they took. The only thing she was concerned about was the fact that I had the MTHFR gene mutation. She said that likely what happened was a clot formed in the umbilical cord and was cutting off supply to the baby. I sobbed when it seemed we had found the answer. I had been blaming myself, replaying everything I had done in the weeks prior and wondering what it was I did that killed him. A few days later I went to the hospital to get a copy of all the bloodwork so I could go over everything myself. Interestingly, it said that I had a milder form of the mutation, heterozygous a1298c, which doesn't generally present problems in pregnancy. So now I feel like that's not what caused it at all. I also noticed I tested positive on the antinuclear antibodies test and for one of the antibodies for sjogrens syndrome which I had never heard of. I was surprised she didn't mention any of this to me but for one reason or another maybe felt like it wasn't something to be concerned about. I was hoping they tested my thyroid but they didn't. I have a strong family history of hashimoto's disease, including my mom. That's definitely something I want to get tested before I try again because i've always felt I had a lot of the symptoms.
Currently i'm dealing with what I believe is my first period since it happened. It started about 27 days after I delivered. It is extremelyyy heavy and like no period i've ever had before. Going on about a week now. I had only stopped bleeding from the procedure maybe a week before I got it, so I feel like i'll never go back to normal. Its hard to emotionally heal when you have constant physical reminders.
I just feel so sad. Just imagining what he could have been. How excited we all were for him. And just in shock that it happened so late. I even waited til I was 15 weeks to make the big facebook announcement, JUST to be on the safe side. This is the most traumatic thing I have ever experienced and I feel like i'll never be the same. My anxiety is on another level, like i'm always just waiting for the next bad thing to happen. I have a hard time leaving my daughter when I go to work everyday. I just want to keep everyone I love close to me at all times. My daughter asks every few days or so about Dominic. Why does he have to stay with Jesus and can't be home with us? How did he get there? She is so smart for her age but it's still a hard concept to explain. It breaks my heart every time.
Again i'm sorry this is all over the place. I'm still so heartbroken even though it was a month ago. Has anybody else been told they had a MTHFR mutation? Was anybody else's first period after their loss really horrible? For those who had 2nd or 3rd trimester losses, were you able to find out what caused it? Thank you all for any feedback.
Me: 29 DH: 30
- bicornuate uterus
- heterozygous MTHFR a1298c
- sjogrens syndrome
BFP #1: 2/4/12 ; DD born 9/13/12
BFP #2: 2/3/16 ; MMC @ 18 weeks, 4/29/16
vaginal delivery + evac d&c for placenta
BFP #3: 4/6/17