third hand smoke and newborns

TheTamedShrew · July 2016

How are you ladies handling the situation of allowing smokers hold the baby? Are you requiring them to change clothes if they come to the hospital or want to hold the baby in the early months? Just curious because my dad's girlfriend (who I absolutely can't stand and don't want near my children anyway) is a serious smoker (like 2-3 packs a day). I need some advice on how to gently tell her she can't hold my newborn unless she washes hands and changes clothes. She smokes in the house (my childhood home that I grew up in that now I can't even walk into because of the amount of second and third hand smoke, but that's another story) so I would assume that all her clothes have third hand smoke on them too.

Is it being overprotective to not allow a smoker to hold the baby, even for just a minute or two?

ruemcclanahan · July 2016

I am making everyone change their clothes and wash up before they can hold the baby

I'm not even being gentle. Up until those lines turned pink I was a smoker and I quit for my baby and so they can either not smoke before or deal with my rules.
FI's fam will complain I am sure but I could care less lol

ETA. This was a VERY unexpected pregnancy. If we were trying to get pregnant I would have quit long before.

Bibliobebe · July 2016

It's not being overprotective if you feel it's not good for your baby. It's being a mama.

I wouldn't mind third hand smoke situations as much, but there's only one heavy smoker in my family so I don't have to worry about it too much.

Second hand smoke I can't stand and won't tolerate but lingering smoke on clothes doesn't bother my mama nerves so much, and I would make people wash their hands anyway with or without the smoke.

Anyway, I think you have every right to feel how you feel and if you don't want your dad's gf to hold your baby then say NO. It's not her kid and she's not your relative. You don't even like her. She has absolutely zero right to touch your baby.

Thscary · July 2016

Also looking for advice in this realm. My dad smokes at least 2 PPD. I don't even know if having him change his clothes would help. Nervous about how to approach the subject with him as he has a notoriously bad temper

rock1cherry · July 2016

One of the nurses I talked to a week or two ago brought this up to me. I hadn't even considered it. I haven't read much about it, but from what she said, baby's skin is so sensitive and thin that it's possible to absorb the smoke into the skin.

My mom and my aunt and cousins smoke. I haven't really decided how I am going to talk to them about it, but DH thought maybe we could have a robe or something that they could put on to hold baby. I'm not sure. Definitely will ask everyone to wash their hands and faces etc. I would also prefer people not to kiss her anyways, but just in case.

Im glad someone brought this up as I am interested in everyone's suggestions and opinions on this.

TheTamedShrew · July 2016

Thscary said:

Also looking for advice in this realm. My dad smokes at least 2 PPD. I don't even know if having him change his clothes would help. Nervous about how to approach the subject with him as he has a notoriously bad temper

My dad also has a nasty temper. The subject of this woman is a very sensitive topic for many reasons. Long story short: he moved her into his house 3 months after my mom passed away from cancer two years ago. He is grief stricken and not in his right mind, he drinks too much, and would've moved any person in to avoid dealing with the empty space.

Anyway she is basically a horrid troll and I am polite to her only because I don't want to deal with the drama and confrontation. The smoking in my family's home is one of the many many problems I have with her. The very first time I met her, she was sitting in my mom's chair in my parent's bedroom smoking a cigarette right in my 4 year old niece's face. That is a good example of every experience/interaction with her since. I avoid her at all costs and quickly change the subject if my dad ever talks about her. He became very upset when I said I didn't want her at the hospital waiting or coming in right after DD is born. I haven't gotten around to the smoke discussion yet.

yellowrose314 · July 2016

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with that @TheTamedShrew I can't imagine how hard that must be for you and your family especially having just lost your mother.
I honestly think it's in your and your family's best interest to be totally straight with her and your father, that they won't be permitted to hold the baby unless they are wearing clean smoke-free clothes and have a washed their hands. If they want to get butt-hurt about it, that's their business, and there's consequences for that. If your dad gets upset, I would simply say "is her (the girlfriends) addiction more important to you than your grandchild's health?". He might not like it, but it'll give him something to think about. Worst case scenario, let the nurses at the hospital know she's on the no visitors list. If they can't respect your wishes, why should they be allowed to visit? I don't see how tip-toeing around the situation is going to make things better or worse, because smokers are notorious for feeling like their "rights" are being infringed when you ask them not to smoke.

My mom started to smoke about 2 weeks after brain surgery for an aneurysm. Super disappointing, but I pretty much told her that if she wants to have cuddles with her granddaughter, she's going to be wearing clean clothes and have washed her hands. She was fine with that, and has completely stopped smoking in her house, and even had the walls treated to get the smell and residue off. My sister also smokes and has been given the same advice which she says she will follow.

@Megan324 No judgement here, so did I. It took me about a week after finding out to kick it for good, but I am SOO glad I did, I've never felt better and I have no desire to pick them back up; both my parents smoked when I grew up, in the car, with us sitting on their laps, you name it. I don't want my kids growing up thinking that's normal behaviour.

VeraMali · July 2016

I say stick to your guns. Third hand smoke is a real thing and can be very, very bad for newborns. My SIL thought I was a huge b!tch for informing my MIL & FIL that they would be asked to leave if they showed up to the hospital in anything less than clean clothes, washed hair & smelling Irish Spring fresh but I didn't care. My daughter's health came before their feelings. MIL did as asked for that one time but FIL refused to comply and still to this day (3 years later) has never held his first grandchild.

mom2adoodle · July 2016

I'm sorry you're in this situation! I think you have every right to be concerned and cautious. Set whatever limits you think are necessary and honesty eff it if they are upset. This is your baby for goodness sake!

ruemcclanahan · July 2016

@yellowrose314 it took me about a day really and now it's been the longest I've gone without smoking since I was 14?
Seriously I feel amazing too

My parents didn't smoke while I grew up but my mom picked up the habit during her midlife crisis. Supposedly she is quitting before Hunter arrives but we will see

KimmySchmidt · July 2016

I dealt with this problem with my own mother, who is a heavy smoker and in deep, deep denial about the negative consequences. Not the type to buy into third hand smoke.

I insisted on fresh clothes, washed hands, and hair pulled back. I thought when our first was born that she might smoke less during her visit. (She lives some hours away and stayed overnight at our house for a week.) Instead she just held the baby less, usually only after she'd showered, and complained that they don't let you smoke anywhere on hospital property.

As as far as presenting this information, I found it best to blame the doctor. "The doctor said...." Goes a long way, avoids directs (and pointless) confrontation, and she can't really argue with it.

KimmySchmidt · July 2016

I would also add that it's so hard to argue with such a committed smoker. And it's hard to put your foot down with your parents in order to make a parenting decision of your own that they will disagree with. Even harder before you're baby has arrived.

This smoking conversation I had with my mom was one of the most difficult I've had with her, and one of the only times I've really needed to flex my mama muscle and assert myself with someone important to me.

Good luck! It's not easy.

ElcaB · July 2016

I totally understand where you're coming from. I hate smoking & the smell grosses me out, both pre- and during pregnancy. I'm with you --- I don't want any smoky clothes coming into contact with my baby, especially when she's all fresh out of the womb.

BUT: I do feel like it's excessive to ask a smoker to change clothes before holding the babe. Asking people to wash their hands is expected & acceptable. But the clothing thing seems awkward to me.

Recently, I visited a friend the day after she had her baby. She said a family friend came by to visit in the morning and was wearing so much perfume that the baby reeked of it after. So much so, she asked the nurse to bathe the baby. Moral of the story: you can always give the baby a bath.

BUT #2: You are the mother of your child. At the end of the day, it's your choice.

kosmo86 · July 2016

Both of my parents are heavy smokers. My mom has been getting much better because she uses a vaporizer half the time now. I am going tell my dad to get one too since there really isn't any left over odor afterwards. My dad will probably have a hard time at first but he wants to be healthier for this baby. If they do decide to smoke a cigarette. I will ask them to wash hands and change shirts or wear a jacket when they do it that they can take off.

Thscary · July 2016

@TheTamedShrew sorry you're going through all that with your dad. I can't imagine how hard that must be.

I think I'm going to follow the lead of @KimmySchmidt and use "the doctor said" as a segway into the conversation. I don't expect great results, but the conversation must be had. I think I'm going to expect clean hands, clean clothes and baby wrapped in swaddle blankets (it will be fall in Pennsylvania so the blankets won't be unreasonable)

TheTamedShrew · July 2016

Glad I'm not the only one having to deal with this conversation. I can't even try "the doctor said..." tactic because my dad thinks all doctors are wrong and crazy (My parents were both crazy faith healers when I was growing up). That would just send him off on another rant. I plan on putting my foot down, I just need to find the calmest way to get my point across. I think I might actually bring it up tomorrow night when he comes to babysit DD. It's my birthday on Sunday so I'm (fairly) certain he won't pitch a fit on my birthday or in front of DD and DH. Either that or go the really easy route and just send him an email about it.

TheTamedShrew · July 2016

Would it be weird if I just bought clean shirts for her AND my dad to put on? I could just bring them to the hospital with us or have them handy at my house for them to wear. I also thought about the fact that my dad probably has THS all over his clothes, due to living in the house with her.

Flowr4246 · July 2016

Honestly, it kinda sounds like you're using the smoking as a crutch for bigger issues that you have with your dad's girlfriend. Just my two cents...

My mother is a 1-2 pack a day smoker and I've never had to say a thing to her about being careful with it around my kids. She voluntarily goes outside if she wants to smoke (whether she's at my house or if we're at hers) while she's with us, uses common sense to wash her hands before playing with/holding the kids if she's just finished a cigarette... I've never really worried about the clothing factor TBH. Maybe I'm just used to it, but I've never noticed any kind of massive smoke smell lingering on her, even after she's just come back in the house. Maybe because she smokes in the open air? :shrugs: I dunno... It's practically a non-issue for us.

izzetoot · July 2016

That is a tricky convo to have, but I agree with pps if you are uncomfortable with it, talk to her. It will be an uncomfortable conversation you will (hopefully) have once but you will feel so relieved you did. My DH is not a smoker, but will have the occasional cig after a few drinks or a long shift. I won't even let him hold our 2yr old unless he's washed his hands and changed clothes! You're not being over protective, you're being a mama

rock1cherry · July 2016

The nurse I spoke to said to make sure to have a blanket or something between baby and the person. I don't know how this all works...my parents smoked heavily when I was a child and same with my sister. My sister was born with asthma but I was not. I do plan to read more up on it but thought I would share.

BabyBoyH92016 · July 2016

My mom is a smoker, although not a heavy smoker and never smokes indoors. I have already informed her that when she comes over to the see the baby or if we visit her, she needs to be wearing clothes that she has not smoked in that day, and obviously washed hands. She did not push back at all.

Generally what I have learned, the more you explain yourself or apologize for inconveniencing a person, the more they think they can argue back. Make this a very short simple conversation. This is what has to happen in order for them to hold the baby. That's fine if they don't want to follow your rules, but they wont be holding the baby. This is something that is not negotiable. I personally would not care about hurting someone's feelings, and if they get angry, let them. They will get over it.

vampirina · July 2016

@kimmyschmidt - that is genius advice. I, too, want to ask the smokers of my family to wear clean clothes, and not smoke right before holding the baby, but I have no idea how to do that with my in-laws without coming across like a total B. Making it "the doctor's orders" seems perfectly reasonable and takes a lot of pressure off of me.

We haven't had any of the "tough" conversations with our families yet, including visiting/boundaries after the baby is here, vaccinations, smoking, and firearms, and we need to. I'm not so worried about talking to my family about these things since they are so "whatever you want dear - you're the mom", but DH's is a whole nother beast and will likely take offense to my stance on these topics. It doesn't help that this will be the first grandchild on their side, so they are a) beyond excited and b) lacking experience in dealing with real boundaries and wishes of their children as parents.

I'm honestly considering writing up a manual/email of sorts and just sending it. It seems less confrontational to me and would nicely outline everything, but obviously it could come across as very offending or one sided. MIL does best with ultra clear laid out guidelines though, and generally follows "the rules" if you make them hard and clear.

TL;DR Any advice you can share on having the tough conversations revolving around visitation, boundaries, vaccination, smoking, firearms, etc are appreciated!!!

AnnaS930 · July 2016

Sounds like a difficult, but necessary conversation to have. While yes, people with strong perfumes will hold your baby and leave them smelling like an old lady, there is not abundant research/evidence that those smells are harmful to your baby - so simply bathing the baby most likely removes any risk. 2nd and 3rd hand smoke around a baby can not be bathed off... it affects them and increases the likelihood of asthma and ear infections. After having a kiddo with chronic ear infections though he spent no time with caregivers who smoked/had 3rd hand smoke on them, I would never allow for frequent visitors that could increase that risk for the 2nd kiddo.

ruemcclanahan · July 2016

@PoodleDoodleOoo with the vaccines that has been trickier for me. I found a way that has worked for me. I ask "can you check with your doctor to see if your last tetnis shot has the pertussis booster? If not you need to get it before September. I think FI is getting his end of August to be safe"
Idk why but it's been going over really well. Even with my brother who is kinda anti vax

KimmySchmidt · July 2016

@PoodleDoodleOoo I would not email a manual. It may be more clear, but it will seem more confrontational than having the conversation. When you speak to people you can convey "firm but polite" in a way that easily comes of as "bossy and business like" when put in text.

vampirina · July 2016

@KimmySchmidt - So true.

eightynine · July 2016

I wouldn't love it, but I don't think I'd stop it. There is smoke and germs and stuff in the world; I sometimes think it does more harm than good to shelter babies from everything starting at birth, and other cultures certainly do things much differently. (Now of course I wouldn't let her around someone actively smoking).

yellowrose314 · July 2016

ElcaB said:

I totally understand where you're coming from. I hate smoking & the smell grosses me out, both pre- and during pregnancy. I'm with you --- I don't want any smoky clothes coming into contact with my baby, especially when she's all fresh out of the womb.

BUT: I do feel like it's excessive to ask a smoker to change clothes before holding the babe. Asking people to wash their hands is expected & acceptable. But the clothing thing seems awkward to me.

Recently, I visited a friend the day after she had her baby. She said a family friend came by to visit in the morning and was wearing so much perfume that the baby reeked of it after. So much so, she asked the nurse to bathe the baby. Moral of the story: you can always give the baby a bath.

BUT #2: You are the mother of your child. At the end of the day, it's your choice.

Except that I doubt perfume has the same carcinogenic effects that cigarette smoke has... just sayin'.

SLou24 · July 2016

@TheTamedShrew how frustrating. I think it's definitely a conversation to have, and you have every right to not want her smokey clothes, hair, etc close to your baby. Thankfully we don't have any heavy smokers in our family, but I'd put the brakes on too! We do have a neighbor who is a chain smoker who keeps telling me they want to babysit, and I just smile but in my head I'm all "over my dead body!!"

@Flowr4246 re:your first paragraph. Really thought that was necessary?

luv4LO · July 2016

I don't think you are being overprotective, I would lay down the law and have had to with my family. You are the mom and there is sooooo much research to back up what you are requesting. My sister and brother-in-law both smoke. My sister says its her only regret in life and she has tried to quit. I have to be pretty strict with them but its my kids health so I feel its necessary.

I have a related question, is it my place to talk to my sis and BIL about smoking around their new baby? They don't smoke in their home, but they don't wash after coming inside. And they smoke in their cars, not sure if they smoke while he is in there but they do when their older kid is. Its so terrible, it stresses me out so much. I feel they would be very defensive but who else is going to speak up for the kids? I just don't know who to approach it. Any suggestions? or do you feel its not my place?

vampirina · July 2016

@luv4LO - It can be tough to tell other parents how to parent, and I know I wouldn't like someone to tell me what to do, but I think having your DH and you talk to them about why you don't want them to be smoking around your newborn may help them think about their own actions around their own child without explicitly saying "you shouldn't smoke around your own kid."

yellowrose314 · July 2016

luv4LO said:

I don't think you are being overprotective, I would lay down the law and have had to with my family. You are the mom and there is sooooo much research to back up what you are requesting. My sister and brother-in-law both smoke. My sister says its her only regret in life and she has tried to quit. I have to be pretty strict with them but its my kids health so I feel its necessary.

I have a related question, is it my place to talk to my sis and BIL about smoking around their new baby? They don't smoke in their home, but they don't wash after coming inside. And they smoke in their cars, not sure if they smoke while he is in there but they do when their older kid is. Its so terrible, it stresses me out so much. I feel they would be very defensive but who else is going to speak up for the kids? I just don't know who to approach it. Any suggestions? or do you feel its not my place?

@luv4LO Wow, just wow... in my province it's illegal to smoke with someone less than 16 years old in the car. The police are very strict about it, thank goodness. I'm getting my car interior detailed next week to hopefully get any lingering smell out, because I used to smoke in my car before I quit. I don't really know how you would broach this topic... I absolutely understand your concern for your nieces or nephews. Hopefully someone else can give you a better answer!

hey_clever_girl · July 2016

When our daughter was born, we asked that smokers visit with fresh clothes that hasn't recently been exposed to smoke, we made them wash their hands, AND we still made them wear a towel draped over their torsos. I don't remember exactly how we worded it, but we made it very clear that if they didn't do these things, they couldn't hold the baby.

hey_clever_girl · July 2016

I would also like to say that in addition to the nasty smell, third hand smoke can affect respiratory systems (as previously mentioned) and we were also told in the hospital that it was considered a SIDS risk.

TheTamedShrew · July 2016

Did @SLou24 get banned??? WTF happened?

Also, @Flowr4246, I most definitely have bigger issues with my dad's g/f. I was pretty clear about that I think. The smoking is one of many issues I have with her. I'm not really looking for a crutch. I am genuinely concerned about the health risks and the lack of respect she and my dad have had for boundaries/rules when it comes to smoking around children and in the home. I was curious to see how others have handled this situation. I am happy for you in that you have someone who is aware of the risk and fully willing to respect rules/boundaries. That must be so great for you. Thank you for your insight, but I didn't really start this thread to welcome opinions about my family/personal life.

KimmySchmidt · July 2016

To those of you who think that third hand smoke is NBD, compared it to run-of-the-mill germiness, or have suggested to just give the baby a bath, please have a
conversation with your pediatrician about it. Newborn lungs are at their most vulnerable and asthma is a real side effect.

Im pretty free-wheeling when it comes to germs and my child. She's eaten a lot of food off the floor, and dirt off the ground. She's had a taste of all the toys at the library. But none of those things are poisons that would leave her with permanent breathing problems. It is not the same.

hey_clever_girl · July 2016

KimmySchmidt said:

To those of you who think that third hand smoke is NBD, compared it to run-of-the-mill germiness, or have suggested to just give the baby a bath, please have a
conversation with your pediatrician about it. Newborn lungs are at their most vulnerable and asthma is a real side effect.

Im pretty free-wheeling when it comes to germs and my child. She's eaten a lot of food off the floor, and dirt off the ground. She's had a taste of all the toys at the library. But none of those things are poisons that would leave her with permanent breathing problems. It is not the same.

THIS.

eightynine · July 2016

...

KimmySchmidt · July 2016

lissvarna said:

...

Haven't seen a dirty delete in a while!

hey_clever_girl · July 2016

KimmySchmidt said:

lissvarna said:

...

Haven't seen a dirty delete in a while!

I'm confused, what happened?

KimmySchmidt · July 2016

runningisrad said:

KimmySchmidt said:

lissvarna said:

...

Haven't seen a dirty delete in a while!

I'm confused, what happened?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Want a personalized experience?

third hand smoke and newborns

Re: third hand smoke and newborns

Choose Another Board

Search Boards