@abberson My husband has been better about it the last year or so regarding my brother because I went off on him about it. With my mom, I usually complain about her more than he does, so it's partly my fault he thinks it's okay to so. It's just frustrating that he never seems to have any complaints about his family (unless it's his little sister) when my family's flaws are no more grievous than his family's.
haha Both DH and I are the opposite on family bashing. We'll both bash his family, and pretty much never bash mine. But I guess mine isn't just as annoying. My dad can be a bit bash-worthy, but his crimes are spilled milk compared to MIL's.
@PoodleDoodleOoo - My husband and I are the same way, all bashing goes towards his family.. it makes me even more grateful for mine, though sometimes I feel guilty. Mine live about an hour away while his are 3 or 4 (mom and dad/stepMIL), so we see mine a whole lot more which makes him jealous... doesn't help that his family is so complaint-worthy as well, I have to be careful not to brag about mine and their awesomeness.
DH's sister is probably one of my favourite people in the world, she's just an awesome person, great sense of humour, I just love her. We hardly ever get to see her other than Skype or phone calls. So we invited her to come stay with us at the end of October for a few weeks. It's going to be tight, since we're in a 1 bedroom suite, but for us it's worth it since we never get to see her. MIL has asked multiple times to stay with us around the time when baby's born, but neither of us are comfortable with that because she literally NEVER STOPS TALKING, she eats all the food without contributing to buying groceries, not to mention she offered to bring a chicken pox blanket for her next visit for the baby.... (slow exhale). We finally got her to agree that she was welcome to visit, but she needed to stay with BIL or one of her friends in town, which is what she usually does anyways. We weren't keeping it a secret that SIL was going to stay with us in October, but it just never came up because plans weren't finalized yet. SIL booked her flights this weekend and called her mom to let her know when she was going to be here, and MIL completely flipped shit when she found out where SIL was staying. Called us and yelled at DH for a good 10 minutes. DH was pretty much like "The last time we saw sister was at our wedding...3 years ago... so she gets priority, especially considering you wanted to bring a chicken pox blanket with you for the baby, and we're not comfortable with you staying with us and possibly bringing it with you without our knowledge". So MIL railed on about how she raised 8 kids by herself, and they owed her for that, and this was a horrible way to repay that favour... pretty sure that's not how parenting works lady. DH told her he wasn't going to change his mind, and that she had better not make SIL feel guilty about "taking her place". We called SIL right after to let her know MIL was upset, thankfully had beaten MIL to the punch and while SIL felt bad, which we told her not to, she said she would absolutely still be coming to stay with us. Right now I don't even want MIL around us period because she's struck my last nerve.
DH's sister is probably one of my favourite people in the world, she's just an awesome person, great sense of humour, I just love her. We hardly ever get to see her other than Skype or phone calls. So we invited her to come stay with us at the end of October for a few weeks. It's going to be tight, since we're in a 1 bedroom suite, but for us it's worth it since we never get to see her. MIL has asked multiple times to stay with us around the time when baby's born, but neither of us are comfortable with that because she literally NEVER STOPS TALKING, she eats all the food without contributing to buying groceries, not to mention she offered to bring a chicken pox blanket for her next visit for the baby.... (slow exhale). We finally got her to agree that she was welcome to visit, but she needed to stay with BIL or one of her friends in town, which is what she usually does anyways. We weren't keeping it a secret that SIL was going to stay with us in October, but it just never came up because plans weren't finalized yet. SIL booked her flights this weekend and called her mom to let her know when she was going to be here, and MIL completely flipped shit when she found out where SIL was staying. Called us and yelled at DH for a good 10 minutes. DH was pretty much like "The last time we saw sister was at our wedding...3 years ago... so she gets priority, especially considering you wanted to bring a chicken pox blanket with you for the baby, and we're not comfortable with you staying with us and possibly bringing it with you without our knowledge". So MIL railed on about how she raised 8 kids by herself, and they owed her for that, and this was a horrible way to repay that favour... pretty sure that's not how parenting works lady. DH told her he wasn't going to change his mind, and that she had better not make SIL feel guilty about "taking her place". We called SIL right after to let her know MIL was upset, thankfully had beaten MIL to the punch and while SIL felt bad, which we told her not to, she said she would absolutely still be coming to stay with us. Right now I don't even want MIL around us period because she's struck my last nerve.
Honey give that man a "surprise" when you can! Heck yeah for him standing up to his mom on you and baby's behalf. Well done!
@AnnaS930@PoodleDoodleOoo See that's the thing that bothers me about what my husband does. His family is just as irritating as mine. Yeah, my mom is worse than his, but his siblings are worse than mine. It equals out the overall family score. My family is closer and we see them more often, so maybe that's why he does it. I don't remember him bashing my family when we lived closer to his family.
@yellowrose314 I'm sorry that you're still having problems with your MIL about the chicken pox blanket and her staying over at your house after baby is born. I know that's been an ongoing problem for you for quite some time.
See, I'm new here and my twist is this: my MIL has stage 4 breast cancer. Also, my mom passed when I was a kid. So... My MIL says she can't wait to be there in the delivery room. Um...how do I tell her I just want it to be me and DH? I don't want to offend her, and I get that it's her first grandchild. I've tried to point out that many women deliver naked just to make a point.
This is going to be a giant rant. Thanks to anyone who sticks with me to the end.
My MIL was always great and never bothered me, but for awhile she was carpooling with us to work before she retired and she'd always comment on things I was eating while pregnant. She'd come grocery shopping with us and basically say "oh you don't need that... Don't eat that, it's bad for you, the baby doesn't need that, etc". So frustrating. I snapped and told her she'd die if she saw what I ate day to day and my weight gain is fine and I'm not concerned so she shouldn't be.
Now that she's retired, she asked my husband to get her groceries cause she doesn't have a car and our town is 45 mins from a main city with grocery stores. We've made it clear she can borrow our extra car and go grocery shopping whenever (there's a town 10 mins over but it only has one grocery store and it's not a super cheap place, but not incredibly expensive either, plus she could drive into the main town). one week, she asked DH to get so much stuff that he had to make a separate trip into the store for her stuff and it took him an extra 30 mins. He told her that she would need to get groceries herself if the list was always that big. When he went to drop off her food, she was friggin BAWLING and he's pretty sure it's cause she was so anxious to see him, like he was going to yell at her or something?! I couldn't handle that. Like take responsibility for your own life. You chose to not own a car and live in this town too, so grow up and go get your own damn groceries.
We had discussed before that she could possibly be in the room with us while I'm pushing because DH felt like he might need her support. But after seeing our friends after their baby last week and realizing how great it will be for it to just be the 2 of us, he's agreed she shouldn't be in there. I AM SO HAPPY! when I had my appendix out, she freaked out so much and was more worried than us. She came to visit me in the hospital and was crying. I was like "don't cry, I'm fine" and she's like "no you're not". YA. If I say I'm fine, I'm fine. I know it's just cause she cares about me, but honestly, I think she would just freak DH out more cause she'd get so anxious and worried.
@abberson & @camichael84 My DH is the same way with my family - but it really is because we are COMPLETE opposites from his family. He grew up in a family where his dad left at the holidays one year and it changed how they did holidays after that. Whereas my family has always been really into the holidays and yes, my mom goes overboard on them, but it's what we were raised on and I love it. So yea, basically every year DH and I have a strong discussion about how I know he hates all the holiday stuff (he's happy with one day with mom and immediate family and that's it), whereas I love all the parties and big family gatherings. It's been hard, but I'm trying to lay off some of my excitement/skip out on some of the parties and he's trying to at least try to enjoy the holiday season more.
@LiziLu42 - I'm sorry that your MIL is battling stage 4 breast cancer, that can't be easy.. but, it really doesn't change anything in my mind about the delivery room. Either you (or really ideally your husband) just needs to explain to her that you only want the two of you to be in the delivery room, but she is welcome to meet the baby "(whenever that may be for you guys)" whether she can sit in the waiting room, or visit you at the hospital after birth or at home, whatever you've decided.
@rock1cherry You wrap a child who has chicken pox in a blanket when they are contagious. Then you wrap said blanket around a healthy child in the hopes of passing along the chicken pox to that child. So they get chicken pox at a young age and are thus 'immune to it as they get older.'
@LiziLu42 agree with pp, I think you can still make it special for her without compromising what you want. Maybe a shirt or coffee mug with "grandma" on it, and let her have a special time to meet the baby either in the hospital or at home?
camichael84 I totally get it with the soda thing. I LOVE SODA! I can admit it, I try to never have more than one a day and the last month or so I have tried to go multiple days without it. We do not plan to give our child any soda for a long long time. I grew up with soda being normal and now as an adult I crave it. DH did not grow up with soda being normal and he has always only drank water and actually hates the way soda tastes.
For me it is the opposite. I grew up with no soda except on birthdays and it was MUCH later that I would have it more regularly, like when I was 26 years old, maybe because I could finally afford the "luxury" I don't know. But since the third trimester I have been craving coke like an insane person and have 2 cans a day -_- I am ashamed.
35 years old, TTC #1 Dec 28, 2011 PCOS, Hypothyroidism.
First IVF cycle June 5th 2015 --- BFP Miscarriage at 8 weeks
FET December 15th 2015--- BFP! First saw at 6w4d It's a boy!
Luciano Alessandro Maximiliano was born on September 3rd 2016
@camichael84 Thank you. I honestly thought this was all done and over with, but I guess that was wishful thinking. It's quite upsetting for both of us, because we both used to have a really good relationship with her. Personally, I think she's gotten wayyyy too involved in BIL's custody issues and issues with his ex druggy girlfriend, and she gets so worked up about all that and it transfers into other areas. But that doesn't excuse the antivax bullshit.
@rock1cherry it's sick. My mom tells me this was a common thing to do before the vaccine came out in the early 90's for chicken pox, but there is absolutely no need to do it now, nor then really. My sister and I both had chicken pox naturally, but she never sent us to chicken pox parties or did the pox blanket, we just happened to play with kids who had it or were getting over it and my mom didn't know. But there's no need for that, the vaccine is far safer and with less long term side effects.
My DH also feels free to bash my family left and right but heaven forbid I mention anything about his mother. Sure, my family is bigger, closer, more dramatic and what have you, but his mother calls him like ten times a day and treats him like he's her husband. He has to go get her the Sunday paper every Sunday. If he doesn't call her when he gets home from work, she calls him and tweaks out. Before she went out on disability, he had to call her to wake her up every morning because she "didn't always hear her alarm." Yup.
@SarahDarah333 LOL oh man. It does sound like a relationship and not the mother-son kind!
@LakeR2014 I'm sorry about your MIL cleaning issue. My mom comes over more often than my MIL does and she's very helpful. However, she asks me what to do and then she does it. MIL on the other hand will NOT ask and simply do things out of neurosis like refold my already folded towels or fluff the couch pillows a little differently. She once folded my clothes in her guest bedroom while we stayed at her house! That ish pisses me off so yes, my mom IS allowed here and does not get any bashing from DH or me but his mom is not to be trusted. Mostly because it feels like she's coming from a bad place.
Our birthing class teacher said the best way to get the help you need is to either
1) Write down what you need on slips of paper and put it into a fishbowl labeled "how can I help?" 2) Put a list on the fridge-- cross of 1-2 items to make it look "used"
and point MIL/FIL/Visitors to it when they look/ask for something to do
See, we live with my MIL due to the cancer. We all felt that was the best option. Usually we love all going and doing things together. But.... It's like.... For this life event it's special. It's an important moment for us. And because of the diagnosis she's afraid this will be her only grandchild she is able to meet and spoil. Plus, she adopted my husband. She couldn't have children naturally. So... It's kind of a guilt trip. She told me today she will probably be asking how contractions feel on D-day. Like...seriously? No.
See, we live with my MIL due to the cancer. We all felt that was the best option. Usually we love all going and doing things together. But.... It's like.... For this life event it's special. It's an important moment for us. And because of the diagnosis she's afraid this will be her only grandchild she is able to meet and spoil. Plus, she adopted my husband. She couldn't have children naturally. So... It's kind of a guilt trip. She told me today she will probably be asking how contractions feel on D-day. Like...seriously? No.
Lurking from August
So, I feel like I can relate a lot to your issue. My mother was diagnosed with cancer right before I got pregnant (she's had cancer twice before). It was a big deciding factor for us; I wanted my mom to experience a grandchild in case things did not turn out with her treatment. I'm also adopted, my mother did not have any biological children. And lastly, my husband will be the only one in the hospital with me and we will have my parents come visit after a couple of hours.
I would not let her guilt trip you, regardless of the health issues. There are plenty of ways for her to be involved that don't include being there for the actual labor. With my mom, I tried to include her in everything else as much as possible and let the small annoyances go. We told her the name and sex of the baby first. I call her after my appointments. I made sure she had all my ultrasound photos. She'll be the first of our family to meet baby.
My husband and I sat down with her and my dad in advance to let them know our wishes when I go into labor. I laid it out and told them how important it was to us. Thankfully, there were no issues. We included them as much as possible, but that was off limits.
My mom sort of guilt tripped me into letting her be in the delivery room. I absolutely love her and know that she's excited because this is her first grand child but I'm starting to second guess inviting her. She's kind of neurotic and controlling and I know having her there is just going to stress me out. In hopes of "diluting the mom" factor, I asked my sister to be the one to actually help during the birth. As the day gets closer, I kind of just want it to be husband and I and nobody else or maybe ask one of my friends but I know that that is going to cause all kinds of issues and guilt trips and sadness.
@mhilpisch10 Michaels has embroidered initials on clearance right now. Maybe you could pick up the ladies first initial and just stitch it on to the robe. They'd still be personalized but way easier. You could blame it on the fabric your future SIL chose for the robes; "it just wouldn't turn out nicely if I machine embroidered"
My latest issue makes me feel really selfish. My MIL and I fought a lot while wedding planning. It was neither of our faults. She just lost her husband and refocused all of her feelings on the wedding. I felt like I was getting less and less say in the wedding (between her and my mother) and just wanted to do things my way.
Anyway, she has become incredibly financially generous in the past year. When she found out my husband and I were each working three jobs because we want to raise our child in a certain community and send her to a certain day care, she offered to pay nearly 80% of the day care costs. We are saving up for some major repairs on our house so we decided to forego some smaller ones for now, such as carpeting on the stairs and installing a banister, she offered to pay for those.
I do a lot more for her than a typical daughter in law would. She wants to invest in real estate in our town (she lives about 90 minutes away), I have been doing a lot of research. I have been helping her learn how to use an iPhone because I worry about her safety as she gets older. When a friend decided to throw me a baby shower, I made sure my mother spoke to her about it. Jewish families are generally very superstitious about these things and I didn't want to have a shower if my MIL would be uncomfortable.
Which brings us to the latest issue. She keeps wanting to spend time with us. Time feels so limited. Our house is over 100 years old and my husband is spending most weekends doing small repairs on it. We also work all week and need the weekends for laundry, our on-line business, and general cleaning. I feel guilty saying no. However, when she comes down, it usually is 6-8 hours out of our day.
This doesn't specifically have to do with being pregnant, but felt this a good place for it. My MIL constantly tries to tell DH and I things she sees on tv like Dr Oz. I don't take advice or base my health on a tv show, but she always has something new to say and changes her lifestyle based off of their advice. Then months later, she tells us stuff that contradicts the original stuff. I always listen, but make up my own mind or do my own research.
It is hard to keep a straight face sometimes @mom2adoodle I can't think of anything specific off the top of my head, but it's almost every visit that she brings up the doctors or Doctor Oz. I don't think she knows about his reputation for not having all of the facts / sharing false information. DH and I just look at each other and chuckle.
@rock1cherry that would be hard to take with a straight face! I tried reading his pregnancy book that someone bought me but I just couldn't handle it .....
One of my big concerns is people walking into the delivery room unannounced before I'm ready, cameras flashing (based on exactly that happening to a friend). My younger brother volunteered to play sentry at the door and not let anyone in until I give him the ok, and I think I might take him up on that. People can sit in the waiting room as long as they please- not my circus, not my monkeys out there.
marikkita12 you have every right to go back on what you initially agreed to with your mom. It's your labor and while they might be upset/mad at first-- just blame it on you being pregnant. Use it to your advantage. Because stress is only going to hurt your labor-- stressed mommas labor for longer and often require more intervention (according to our doula class lady)...so you do you and just say you want you and hubby. And then if you do, in fact, want your mom there on the day of-- just say so. She needs to understand that you have no idea what you are doing right now and that her flexibility is the best way she can support you right now.
New developments... Not happy. So now my FIL HAS broken up with his girlfriend...AGAIN. And for some reason my MIL gave the okay for him to crash in our home. (Yes, we all live in the same home.) I'm going insane and it's only been two days. We have all made it abundantly clear that he can't live here. We have no room, literally. My MIL is now giving up her bed for him to sleep on whole she's on the couch. The woman with cancer is sleeping on the couch. I'm really trying to keep my cool and be nice. But the house belongs to us now and we've got a baby due very soon. I just feel like we have no say in our own lives anymore. And now is when we should have the most. It's sooo frustrating. And to be clear both my DH and I are in total agreement. He keeps trying to calm me down and says he'll take care of it, and he's doing the very best he can as nicely as possible. Ugh....
Re: In-law/Family issues: 3rd Trimester/delivery edition
MIL has asked multiple times to stay with us around the time when baby's born, but neither of us are comfortable with that because she literally NEVER STOPS TALKING, she eats all the food without contributing to buying groceries, not to mention she offered to bring a chicken pox blanket for her next visit for the baby.... (slow exhale). We finally got her to agree that she was welcome to visit, but she needed to stay with BIL or one of her friends in town, which is what she usually does anyways.
We weren't keeping it a secret that SIL was going to stay with us in October, but it just never came up because plans weren't finalized yet. SIL booked her flights this weekend and called her mom to let her know when she was going to be here, and MIL completely flipped shit when she found out where SIL was staying. Called us and yelled at DH for a good 10 minutes. DH was pretty much like "The last time we saw sister was at our wedding...3 years ago... so she gets priority, especially considering you wanted to bring a chicken pox blanket with you for the baby, and we're not comfortable with you staying with us and possibly bringing it with you without our knowledge". So MIL railed on about how she raised 8 kids by herself, and they owed her for that, and this was a horrible way to repay that favour... pretty sure that's not how parenting works lady. DH told her he wasn't going to change his mind, and that she had better not make SIL feel guilty about "taking her place". We called SIL right after to let her know MIL was upset, thankfully had beaten MIL to the punch and while SIL felt bad, which we told her not to, she said she would absolutely still be coming to stay with us. Right now I don't even want MIL around us period because she's struck my last nerve.
My MIL was always great and never bothered me, but for awhile she was carpooling with us to work before she retired and she'd always comment on things I was eating while pregnant. She'd come grocery shopping with us and basically say "oh you don't need that... Don't eat that, it's bad for you, the baby doesn't need that, etc". So frustrating. I snapped and told her she'd die if she saw what I ate day to day and my weight gain is fine and I'm not concerned so she shouldn't be.
Now that she's retired, she asked my husband to get her groceries cause she doesn't have a car and our town is 45 mins from a main city with grocery stores. We've made it clear she can borrow our extra car and go grocery shopping whenever (there's a town 10 mins over but it only has one grocery store and it's not a super cheap place, but not incredibly expensive either, plus she could drive into the main town). one week, she asked DH to get so much stuff that he had to make a separate trip into the store for her stuff and it took him an extra 30 mins. He told her that she would need to get groceries herself if the list was always that big. When he went to drop off her food, she was friggin BAWLING and he's pretty sure it's cause she was so anxious to see him, like he was going to yell at her or something?! I couldn't handle that. Like take responsibility for your own life. You chose to not own a car and live in this town too, so grow up and go get your own damn groceries.
We had discussed before that she could possibly be in the room with us while I'm pushing because DH felt like he might need her support. But after seeing our friends after their baby last week and realizing how great it will be for it to just be the 2 of us, he's agreed she shouldn't be in there. I AM SO HAPPY! when I had my appendix out, she freaked out so much and was more worried than us. She came to visit me in the hospital and was crying. I was like "don't cry, I'm fine" and she's like "no you're not". YA. If I say I'm fine, I'm fine. I know it's just cause she cares about me, but honestly, I think she would just freak DH out more cause she'd get so anxious and worried.
Phew. That feels good.
@LiziLu42 agree with pp, I think you can still make it special for her without compromising what you want. Maybe a shirt or coffee mug with "grandma" on it, and let her have a special time to meet the baby either in the hospital or at home?
PCOS, Hypothyroidism.
Miscarriage at 8 weeks
First saw
It's a boy!
@rock1cherry it's sick. My mom tells me this was a common thing to do before the vaccine came out in the early 90's for chicken pox, but there is absolutely no need to do it now, nor then really. My sister and I both had chicken pox naturally, but she never sent us to chicken pox parties or did the pox blanket, we just happened to play with kids who had it or were getting over it and my mom didn't know. But there's no need for that, the vaccine is far safer and with less long term side effects.
@LakeR2014 I'm sorry about your MIL cleaning issue. My mom comes over more often than my MIL does and she's very helpful. However, she asks me what to do and then she does it. MIL on the other hand will NOT ask and simply do things out of neurosis like refold my already folded towels or fluff the couch pillows a little differently. She once folded my clothes in her guest bedroom while we stayed at her house! That ish pisses me off so yes, my mom IS allowed here and does not get any bashing from DH or me but his mom is not to be trusted. Mostly because it feels like she's coming from a bad place.
1) Write down what you need on slips of paper and put it into a fishbowl labeled "how can I help?"
2) Put a list on the fridge-- cross of 1-2 items to make it look "used"
and point MIL/FIL/Visitors to it when they look/ask for something to do
So, I feel like I can relate a lot to your issue. My mother was diagnosed with cancer right before I got pregnant (she's had cancer twice before). It was a big deciding factor for us; I wanted my mom to experience a grandchild in case things did not turn out with her treatment. I'm also adopted, my mother did not have any biological children. And lastly, my husband will be the only one in the hospital with me and we will have my parents come visit after a couple of hours.
I would not let her guilt trip you, regardless of the health issues. There are plenty of ways for her to be involved that don't include being there for the actual labor. With my mom, I tried to include her in everything else as much as possible and let the small annoyances go. We told her the name and sex of the baby first. I call her after my appointments. I made sure she had all my ultrasound photos. She'll be the first of our family to meet baby.
My husband and I sat down with her and my dad in advance to let them know our wishes when I go into labor. I laid it out and told them how important it was to us. Thankfully, there were no issues. We included them as much as possible, but that was off limits.
My latest issue makes me feel really selfish. My MIL and I fought a lot while wedding planning. It was neither of our faults. She just lost her husband and refocused all of her feelings on the wedding. I felt like I was getting less and less say in the wedding (between her and my mother) and just wanted to do things my way.
Anyway, she has become incredibly financially generous in the past year. When she found out my husband and I were each working three jobs because we want to raise our child in a certain community and send her to a certain day care, she offered to pay nearly 80% of the day care costs. We are saving up for some major repairs on our house so we decided to forego some smaller ones for now, such as carpeting on the stairs and installing a banister, she offered to pay for those.
I do a lot more for her than a typical daughter in law would. She wants to invest in real estate in our town (she lives about 90 minutes away), I have been doing a lot of research. I have been helping her learn how to use an iPhone because I worry about her safety as she gets older. When a friend decided to throw me a baby shower, I made sure my mother spoke to her about it. Jewish families are generally very superstitious about these things and I didn't want to have a shower if my MIL would be uncomfortable.
Which brings us to the latest issue. She keeps wanting to spend time with us. Time feels so limited. Our house is over 100 years old and my husband is spending most weekends doing small repairs on it. We also work all week and need the weekends for laundry, our on-line business, and general cleaning. I feel guilty saying no. However, when she comes down, it usually is 6-8 hours out of our day.
So now my FIL HAS broken up with his girlfriend...AGAIN. And for some reason my MIL gave the okay for him to crash in our home. (Yes, we all live in the same home.) I'm going insane and it's only been two days. We have all made it abundantly clear that he can't live here. We have no room, literally. My MIL is now giving up her bed for him to sleep on whole she's on the couch. The woman with cancer is sleeping on the couch. I'm really trying to keep my cool and be nice. But the house belongs to us now and we've got a baby due very soon. I just feel like we have no say in our own lives anymore. And now is when we should have the most. It's sooo frustrating. And to be clear both my DH and I are in total agreement. He keeps trying to calm me down and says he'll take care of it, and he's doing the very best he can as nicely as possible. Ugh....