First thing my MIL says to me this morning "good morning - so, how much weight have you gained?" While motioning to my belly. I answered with "just enough". Ugh. Haven't seen this woman since December and that's really the first thing she can say??
@jensou I feel your pain. Every time I talk to my dad he asked about how much weight I gained. Last time he talked about how my mom gained no weight and how she was back to pre-pregnancy weight in a few weeks. Ummm ok My mom was on bedrest for 4 months I was a month early and she almost bleed to death and had to have an emergency hysterectomy. BUT apparently all people remember is how great my mom did at weight gain/loss not that she was really sick. SMH
Me: 32 DH: 31
TTC #2 since January 2018
Baby #1 DD Born 8/25/2016 BFP: 8/11/18 Due: 4/26/18
@Prof=Mom This is my MIL as well. We had 4 losses between DD and this baby, and when we finally told them (we stopped telling them early because I couldn't handle their lack of interest/support) MIL's first words were 'so this is the longest you've stayed pregnant since Charlotte?' Ummm... So I have stopped sharing information unless she asks. It isn't worth the disappointment to me to expect a caring person and be met with disinterest. I have better things to occupy my head space.
Natural M/C 03.26.2012 at 10w2d Charlotte born at 28w3d due to severe IUGR on 12.24.2012 Merry Christmas! Missed M/C discovered 12.22.2014 at 8w1d measuring 6w3d 2015 was a year to test strength of both body and character, but it led us to this... BFP 01.26.2016 EDD 9.30.2016
Ah I'm also going to be in the situation with some family camping out at our hospital while I'm in labor for sure. On my side it's the first baby- so first nephew, grandchild, great-grandchild, and on DH's side it's the 4th baby- his sister has 3 kids but they live 6 hours north, and DH is the youngest and the only boy so MIL is always up his ass and around the corner anyway. Our hospital is almost an hour away, so we have that in our favor. Part of me wants my mom and one of my sisters (that I'm closest with) at the hospital, in case I want one of them. But then I think it should be just DH and I. I guess it depends on how he handles it lol. My mom is adamant that she will camp out at the hospital no matter what, even if I don't let her into the room she wants me to know she will be there if I need her in any way. She's also beyond over excited about having a grandkid, so she's just dying to see him, and I do understand that. My BFF told me her one regret was that she let her parents into the room right after her daughter was born, and she wishes she had more time to bond before the baby was being passed around. I know I can easily say to my own family that I want that first hour or two to be special. I figure I'll see how I feel and take it from there, and as long as DH is on board with backing up whatever I feel comfortable with and supports my decision we'll be OK. MIL is definitely going to be a pain in the ass though lol! She calls him ten times a day now, imagine when I'm in freaking labor!
I feel like I'm constantly hearing stories from MIL about her life when her kids were babies and 99% of them make me think "nope, you are never ever ever watching my kids alone. EVER." I know so much has changed in the 29 years since she's had a baby of her own but she seems so uniterested in learning about new saftey standards or about how we'd like to raise our kids. Like, no my kid will not sleep in a rusty old drop sided crib or in a carseat all the time like your youngest did. No our kids will not ride in the back of a pickup truck for long distances. Or at all.
This one is more funny than upsetting. My MIL was asking questions about what I need for the baby. I said my mom had ordered a case of the sensitive disposable diapers because I had bad eczema as a baby and I worry our baby might as well. My MIL asks if we would try cloth. I explained that this was a decision I left to my husband, as it doesn't matter to me either way (this is the truth). He had said no.
Her response: I still have some of his cloth diapers. Why don't I give them to you so you can try them on the baby?
My husband is 37 years old and an only child. She kept his diapers.
@Rebecca&Raphael - I'm realizing how intense it is to be married to a man who was an only child.. not because of his own ways, but because of his mother. I love my husband fully, but man oh man.. his mother. Ugh.
yes, yes it is. However, we took a hard line that she had to learn to accept. This is his primary family now. If she wants to be in our lives she needs to remember that. It took a lot of work, but now there is minimal drama.
Rebecca&Raphael & @AnnaS930 - I guess I need to feel bad for DH. I am the only child and my mom is totally up in our business. The only good thing is that I am VERY assertive with her so she knows where her boundaries are and I am not afraid to tell her if she goes over them. She also does love to save and collect everything and it drives her crazy that DH and I do not. She thinks we are not sentimental, I do love to save certain things and I LOVE taking pictures but I do not need to save and keep every little thing from every milestone.
Me: 32 DH: 31
TTC #2 since January 2018
Baby #1 DD Born 8/25/2016 BFP: 8/11/18 Due: 4/26/18
Oh my gosh! That was one of our biggest problems. My MIL moved last year (3 weeks after our wedding) and she didn't want to throw away anything. She wanted us to take it all. She was living in a modern townhouse, we own a colonial built in 1919. She kept taking it personally when I would say that her couches/framed prints/etc. wouldn't work in our house.
@kosmo86 - if you're assertive and will be the one to assign boundaries, don't be feeling bad. My husband is only semi-assertive with my MIL, and I am overly assertive and come off looking like a jerk... but whatever. I also have a MIL that never catches on, just very oblivious to anything slightly subtle. My MIL doesn't necessarily have every item from my son's childhood, but she has to relate EVERYTHING my son does to "her baby" as she calls my 28 year old husband.
My son is 1.5 and is my toddler. I vow to never be as overly attached/ridiculous as she is.
My fiancé's parents are both divorced and remarried so I get 2 sets of inlaws - lucky me!! Joking aside, they are both generally pretty good but the other day I saw the step-MIL and first question was how much weight had I gained. She's TINY (maybe 5'1" and 95 lbs) and mentioned how she only gained 18 lbs with her baby. I am 5'6" and always had a 5-10 lbs of extra fluff on me and have gained 18-20 lbs at 30 weeks which is perfect according to my doctor! How do you politely tell someone that pregnancy weight gain is not a competition?!
Edited: wasn't done
Also, my fiancé's sister asked if she could be in the room for my labor and delivery. She got a swift negative response and I had to reiterate (again) that no parents, inlaws, siblings, step-inlaws, friends, etc would be in the room! She's compromised by saying that she is going to camp in the waiting room so I plan to just not tell anyone when I go into labor.
My delivery edition isn't about my MIL, it's about my mom. My mom gave birth to her first child vaginally (my brother) and it was traumatic for her. She gave birth to me via c-section and due to said trauma during the first one thinks that c-sections are the greatest things ever. No problem, it was her experience. However, if I have to hear her say, 'Oh my gosh - you have to ask for a C-section! They're the best. Why did I tell you, 3 days after you were born I was scrubbing all the kitchen cabinets and climbing on counter tops.' Yes. Yes mom you've told me that story over 1,000 times in my lifetime - every time someone mentions a c-section in fact. Needless to say the fact that I'm letting the doctor, who has a medical degree, decide which option is best for my baby and me and am not demanding a c-section, is beyond all reasoning to her.
My biggest problem right now is trying to figure out a way to tell my mother she can't stay with us for two weeks when baby comes. I've said before that she's a very difficult person and we don't have a close relationship so it'd be strange and uncomfortable for me having her here for two weeks (for her, it'd be a dream). She's said repeatedly that she's saved up the vacation time and already scheduled the two weeks but I keep telling her "how about just a few days instead?", which she brushes off and brings the two weeks back up the next time we talk. It would be very difficult to have her stay with me for that long and while I'm either about to give birth or postpartum. I always sugarcoat things with her but that doesn't work and she will do what she wants unless I'm blunt, in which case, she will be offended and will refrain from doing what she wants. I know if I'm blunt, I could ruin the little bit of a relationship we have and everyone on her side of the family will hear about how "I didn't allow her to meet her grandchild". Jeez.
My dad's brand new girlfriend asked if she could be in the delivery room. What the actual fuck. I met her for the 1st time yesterday, why in the world would I want you there I barely want my Dad in the waiting room...
@geminigirl16 I swear I don't understand how someone could think that! You should have seen my face. I tried so hard to not show my outrage/shock but FI was laughing at me
@AlwaysAuntNeverMom as a child to 2 very sensitive parents. You cannot walk on eggshells just to please them AND you can't take their comments to heart. I love my mother dearly and talk to her multiple times a week and see her 1-2 times a month BUT she thinks I am 'heartless' because I am not as sensitive as she is (she is also maniac and bipolar and cries over EVERYTHING!). To her we will never have the close relationship she wants.
Anywho- I would start a conversation with "I can't wait to have you visit but... " and then discuss how 3-5 days will be better. She may be butt hurt about it but she will either get over to see her grandchild or regret it. Either way it not your fault (even if you feel guilty about it)
Me: 32 DH: 31
TTC #2 since January 2018
Baby #1 DD Born 8/25/2016 BFP: 8/11/18 Due: 4/26/18
yes, yes it is. However, we took a hard line that she had to learn to accept. This is his primary family now. If she wants to be in our lives she needs to remember that. It took a lot of work, but now there is minimal drama.
Does anyone else feel like their husband still doesn't act like you and the baby are his primary family now? We've been married five years and it's still a struggle to get him to realize his primary family is now who lives under our roof, not scattered across the country. He makes such a big deal out of trying to go back to his parents for every holiday. We don't need to spend over $1k to visit the parents for Earth Day!! Grow up!
I will preface by saying I love my mom and she means the world to me,
BUT,
I'm a little concerned that she is going to be very overbearing when the baby is born. There is a lot of excitement around the first grandchild for my parents, and I really love how excited they are and how much they want to help. My mom is planning to take a week off of work when he is born to come stay at the house with me and help me out. I really appreciate it, but I am worried she will try to overstep me. For example, this weekend she attended a party at my in-laws and my infant nephew was there. I was holding him for less than a minute when my mom ran up and said "he needs to be held tighter" and basically ripped him from my arms. I really hope this is not a sign of what is to come.
@RN1stBae - During my last pregnancy I had to remind my husband multiple times that HE'S going to be the parent and needs to make decisions in the best interest of us and our child and not be so concerned about hurting his parents' feeling or disappointing them. He seems to have really caught on since the kiddo came along, if only his mother would catch on that she is not one of our children.. that would be amazing.
@Thscary oh no! Is your DH going to stay home with you the first week or two? I would tell her that you really want to use the time to get used to the 3 of you and it would be more helpful it she could come stay when DH goes back to work.
Me: 32 DH: 31
TTC #2 since January 2018
Baby #1 DD Born 8/25/2016 BFP: 8/11/18 Due: 4/26/18
@Thscary I would honor your feelings and find a gentle way to tell her your concerns. when DD was born I was harboring lots of stress about coordinating the visits of my mother, my father/step mother, and my in laws. I finally called each of them and allowed myself to be vulnerable and told them all what I was stressed about and all responded with the utmost respect. I felt so much better and I think they appreciated knowing where my head was at. Good luck!
@kosmo86@ivassaq thanks for the input. I am trying to figure out the nicest way to tell her we want a little alone/binding time before anyone comes to stay (or she can come stay but can't overstep DH and I, as it will be crucial bonding time for us). She needs to be handled delicately, or else she will take great offense, so it's probably best I do this soon.
Lately I have been super anxious about dealing with my in laws when the baby is born. They live 6 hours away by car, and whenever they visit all they do is sit around and we basically wait on them-- and I'm constantly asking my FIL to take his shoes off when he's on the carpet upstairs, or picking up after he leaves yet another glass laying around. So, when LO arrives, I'm super worried that they are going to want to come stay with us and while my husband agrees that it's off the table-- I know this is not over. The nursery just so happens to have our current guest bed (daybed that converts to a king) and while I know the baby won't be in the nursery for some time, that does NOT mean we have a guest room open for guests. My parents live 15 minutes away so they sort of have an unfair advantage in that they will get to see the baby after it's born (within a day or two), but at this point I'm sort of like--- should I tell the in-laws that they are welcome to come see the baby in the hospital (we are limiting all visits to 20 min), but that we aren't having any visitors to the house the first week or two (my parents included) and that we don't even want house guests for at least 6 months.....or, do I let this stress me out to the point that they are like -- we're coming for christmas (which would be my last week of maternity leave and I don't want to share that precious time with them TBH) and then saying-- sorry, no you're not.
I sound so heartless, but honestly, they just left from a visit this past holiday weekend and I'm still stressed out from having them here...I can't imagine what that will be like with a newborn and a protective mom.
I am in sort of the same boat with my MIL. We really want no visitors, especially overnight guests for some time. However, we live 1.8 miles from my parents, so they can "drop in." I made a deal with my mom, my mother in law can stay there if she needs to visit overnight.
I love that idea. I did broach that topic with my mom, but she sort of felt the same way about having them at her house (they really do just sit around and my family does not). And, truth be told, they can more than afford a hotel-- they are very well off, but also very cheap. So, I just feel guilty about telling family-- PARENTS-- that they have to get a hotel room, even though i know they can more than afford it, and that we aren't allowing any house visitors while my husband takes a week off to bond with the baby with me-- it's such precious time.
@Mjpatzwa - I'd probably let the in laws stop by to visit, but also require visits to be fairly short (maybe 1-2 hour spurts, or whatever you feel comfortable with) and they will need to find their own accommodations, like a hotel, a different friend or family member. They will need to figure out how to entertain themselves when they are not at your place visiting.
There is no way in hell that I would even consider hosting overnight guests in my home with a newborn. I just wouldn't. There is a solid chance we won't even allow day-guests for the first few weeks.
mjpatzwa first I will say that in our house we have a rule... your parents, your problem. DH and I decide on how we want something to be done together then it up to me to enforce it to my parents and him to his. I know that is not always easy but it works for us.
This may be the very independant person in me but I see absolutely nothing wrong with telling anyone they can't come stay or visit. It should be on your terms.
Me: 32 DH: 31
TTC #2 since January 2018
Baby #1 DD Born 8/25/2016 BFP: 8/11/18 Due: 4/26/18
@mjpatzwa - if the room is semi-set up as a nursery I think it would be reasonable to tell them that you don't know yet if you'll be using that room. I know you plan for baby to sleep in your room but lots of things change when baby arrives - perhaps you and baby will sleep in the nursery some nights to make feedings easier, or to let your husband rest up so he can take over some of the daytime duties.
I'm with @kosmo86 and my husband and I individually handle the difficult conversations with our own parents. I don't think it's unreasonable to let them visit but request for no overnight guests.. they can decide what they do from there
TBH, I'm relieved that I'm not the only person that's getting anxious about in-laws visiting around the time of their due date.
I have a lot of pent up annoyance, frustration and anger toward my in-laws, so I don't do real well around them. They're planning on coming down to visit a day or two before my c-section to help watch the older two kiddos. (DH made it clear that this was the priority of their visit.) They will be getting a hotel because, I'm sorry, I'm not ok with them staying at the house. Plus, we don't have the extra room (no guest room). They've been told that the day before the c-section is for the kids, DH and I only as it will be our last day as a family of four. The day of the c-section, there will be no visitors besides the older kids.
A few days ago though I asked DH when they're planning on leaving to drive back home. He said that they haven't talked about it but he assumes it'll be at the end of the week because they'll probably need to get back to work. My c-section is scheduled for a Tuesday and the kids start back to school the following Monday. So I told DH that he needs to talk to his parents to figure this out because I'd really like them to leave before Saturday. I want to have two days where we can experience our "new normal" at home before the kids go back to school. So now I'm waiting on him to have that talk and make sure everyone is on the same page.
I just get so anxious and crabby when they come to visit. I'm thankful that I'll be in the hospital the majority or all of the time that they're in town. I really won't feel bad about limiting visiting time with them then. Plus, I recently had a conversation with DH about the fact that I need him to be the buffer between his parents and I. So I'm confident that my interaction will be even more minimal.
Update on dad's girlfriend. Dad messaged me and told me that she wants to be invited to my shower but after I refused to even entertain the thought of her being in the l&d room that she doesn't expect much from me anymore.
Re: In-law/Family issues: 3rd Trimester/delivery edition
BFP: 8/11/18 Due: 4/26/18
Charlotte born at 28w3d due to severe IUGR on 12.24.2012 Merry Christmas!
Missed M/C discovered 12.22.2014 at 8w1d measuring 6w3d
2015 was a year to test strength of both body and character, but it led us to this... BFP 01.26.2016 EDD 9.30.2016
This one is more funny than upsetting. My MIL was asking questions about what I need for the baby. I said my mom had ordered a case of the sensitive disposable diapers because I had bad eczema as a baby and I worry our baby might as well. My MIL asks if we would try cloth. I explained that this was a decision I left to my husband, as it doesn't matter to me either way (this is the truth). He had said no.
Her response: I still have some of his cloth diapers. Why don't I give them to you so you can try them on the baby?
My husband is 37 years old and an only child. She kept his diapers.
BFP: 8/11/18 Due: 4/26/18
Oh my gosh! That was one of our biggest problems. My MIL moved last year (3 weeks after our wedding) and she didn't want to throw away anything. She wanted us to take it all. She was living in a modern townhouse, we own a colonial built in 1919. She kept taking it personally when I would say that her couches/framed prints/etc. wouldn't work in our house.
My son is 1.5 and is my toddler. I vow to never be as overly attached/ridiculous as she is.
Edited: wasn't done
Also, my fiancé's sister asked if she could be in the room for my labor and delivery. She got a swift negative response and I had to reiterate (again) that no parents, inlaws, siblings, step-inlaws, friends, etc would be in the room! She's compromised by saying that she is going to camp in the waiting room so I plan to just not tell anyone when I go into labor.
I met her for the 1st time yesterday, why in the world would I want you there
I barely want my Dad in the waiting room...
You should have seen my face. I tried so hard to not show my outrage/shock but FI was laughing at me
Anywho- I would start a conversation with "I can't wait to have you visit but... " and then discuss how 3-5 days will be better. She may be butt hurt about it but she will either get over to see her grandchild or regret it. Either way it not your fault (even if you feel guilty about it)
BFP: 8/11/18 Due: 4/26/18
BUT,
I'm a little concerned that she is going to be very overbearing when the baby is born. There is a lot of excitement around the first grandchild for my parents, and I really love how excited they are and how much they want to help. My mom is planning to take a week off of work when he is born to come stay at the house with me and help me out. I really appreciate it, but I am worried she will try to overstep me. For example, this weekend she attended a party at my in-laws and my infant nephew was there. I was holding him for less than a minute when my mom ran up and said "he needs to be held tighter" and basically ripped him from my arms. I really hope this is not a sign of what is to come.
BFP: 8/11/18 Due: 4/26/18
I sound so heartless, but honestly, they just left from a visit this past holiday weekend and I'm still stressed out from having them here...I can't imagine what that will be like with a newborn and a protective mom.
There is no way in hell that I would even consider hosting overnight guests in my home with a newborn. I just wouldn't. There is a solid chance we won't even allow day-guests for the first few weeks.
This may be the very independant person in me but I see absolutely nothing wrong with telling anyone they can't come stay or visit. It should be on your terms.
BFP: 8/11/18 Due: 4/26/18
I'm with @kosmo86 and my husband and I individually handle the difficult conversations with our own parents. I don't think it's unreasonable to let them visit but request for no overnight guests.. they can decide what they do from there
I have a lot of pent up annoyance, frustration and anger toward my in-laws, so I don't do real well around them. They're planning on coming down to visit a day or two before my c-section to help watch the older two kiddos. (DH made it clear that this was the priority of their visit.) They will be getting a hotel because, I'm sorry, I'm not ok with them staying at the house. Plus, we don't have the extra room (no guest room). They've been told that the day before the c-section is for the kids, DH and I only as it will be our last day as a family of four. The day of the c-section, there will be no visitors besides the older kids.
A few days ago though I asked DH when they're planning on leaving to drive back home. He said that they haven't talked about it but he assumes it'll be at the end of the week because they'll probably need to get back to work. My c-section is scheduled for a Tuesday and the kids start back to school the following Monday. So I told DH that he needs to talk to his parents to figure this out because I'd really like them to leave before Saturday. I want to have two days where we can experience our "new normal" at home before the kids go back to school. So now I'm waiting on him to have that talk and make sure everyone is on the same page.
I just get so anxious and crabby when they come to visit. I'm thankful that I'll be in the hospital the majority or all of the time that they're in town. I really won't feel bad about limiting visiting time with them then. Plus, I recently had a conversation with DH about the fact that I need him to be the buffer between his parents and I. So I'm confident that my interaction will be even more minimal.
I swear you can't make this shit up