I had tons of issues with my inlaws but since DH and my MIL still aren't talking, it shouldn't be too bad. DH says they can just find out via FB and if they show up it will at least be only a short awkward visit. I know that sounds incredibly heartless but after the way she acted regarding our wedding last year, I have no sympathy for her.
@Megan324 What does your dad think of this request of hers? If he doesn't understand why you don't want her there, did you ask your dad to repeat the request to himself? Like, 'Hi I don't know you well and this is the first time we met, but like I'd love to have intimate knowledge of your vagina and get an up close and visual inspection of your child's birth when you don't know me from Eve, and have no desire to have anyone save Fi in your birthing room with you.'
Creepy internet hugs to everyone dealing with difficult family dynamics.
@megan234 Your dad's gf sounds like a nightmare. Wow. I'm so sorry.
My current MIL saga:
DH does not want anyone knowing our baby’s name until birth. He doesn’t want unsolicited opinions. Fine. I abided by his rules and have not told anyone though I’m more relaxed about that kind of thing. Well, guess who has been dying to know the baby’s name and has been sending us suggestions? MIL. She is in Europe and pulled the “the airports I am traveling to might be on the Isis hitlist and I can’t die not knowing my grandson’s name.” Can you believe that? I just laughed and told her God would tell her in heaven but inside I was fuming.
Well, guess what. Apparently she pulled DH aside and pulled another sob story and started crying so he broke down and told her. I couldn’t even believe he did it at first. Since it was HIS rule. I was and am SO PISSED. At him for being a wuss but more at her for being so entitled and nosy that she can’t wait 8 more weeks for the baby’s name? WTF. What makes HER so special? RAWR I am livid just typing this story out.
@mom2adoodle - I would be livid too!!!! I had to have a frank discussion with DH a few months ago after we told him mom we plan to move 2 hours away next year. She started grilling him and he got flustered and almost made it seem it was 100% all me. To be fair it is me who really really wants to go, but DH is totally on board and excited about it. ANYWHO- I told him no matter what we have to keep a united front, if he has reservation he should bring them up to me and even if he doesn't 100% agree with a decision, if we have come to an agreement thats what we stand by with our family!!
Me: 32 DH: 31
TTC #2 since January 2018
Baby #1 DD Born 8/25/2016 BFP: 8/11/18 Due: 4/26/18
@mom2adoodle I would be so pissed. I don't know why people take it so personally that they have to wait (it literally makes no difference whether you know the baby's name before they're born or not) and to resort to immature behavior to try to get the answer they're looking for is just ridiculous.
We're not telling family, either, and most everyone has understood our reasons (sometimes even before being told what they are). We've been asked a few times by some people, but luckily we haven't had anyone hounding us, other than my 10-year-old niece, but she's just a kid and is really excited about her new cousins, so I give her a pass.
@mom2adoodle - that actually makes me really mad.. that she's a grown adult, and got what she wanted by pestering and begging and ultimately crying. My 1.5 year old exhibits those behaviors when he doesn't have the words to express what he needs... and he is not rewarded for doing so. I half want to say grow a backbone Dad2adoodle, but I really really wish MIL would grow up
@kosmo86 Yes, I totally agree with your thinking. It needs to be a united front. Was your DH on board? It's really something how MIL's have this effect on some men...lol
@MojieJo I'm glad your family has been on board with your decision! That's very lucky. I thought our family was as well until the Isis guilt-trip...
@AnnaS930 HAHAHA about Dad2aDoodle. Thank you for the solidarity. Yes, he needs a backbone. Which he usually has which is why I was SO upset with him. I told him I wasn't mad, I was disappointed. LOL! Especially because he wouldn't let me hang things up in the nursery that have been personalized in fear of someone coming over and seeing them. Really? Yet he's the one cracking when his mom pulls the Isis card? Who the eff does that??????
But yes, MIL has never worked a day in her life, grew up very well off, is a control freak (like refolds my bathrooms towels while she uses my bathrooms) and is used to getting her way by throwing money at any situation. Or in this case, tears because of potentially dying in the next 8 weeks because of Isis.
@abberson I'm glad I'm not the only one who thought the Isis card was just plain ridiculous!!
Oh, it's beyond ridiculous. As if knowing the name of an unborn grandchild would mean that dying because of a random ISIS attack would be any less terrible?
I get asked constantly about names etc. we don't plan to name her until she's born. We feel it's a big decision and would rather see her before determining the name. Also, to be honest, we haven't even got a list started. I do, and we plan to swap the lists to narrow it down to one list but DH hasn't made his yet so when I say I don't know. I really don't know! I think some people like to give name gifts. Which can be sweet but if the name changes...then what do you do with those items if you can't return them? Anyways, all that to say I agree about not liking the pressure of having and sharing a name before the baby is born.
@geminigirl16 my family also plans to camp out in the waiting room- my MIL, grandmother, and mother. Granted, I told my mother that I want her and my one sister there in case I need them because we are super close, and depending on what happens and how I feel I may want them. I made it 100% clear to them though that being in the waiting room doesn't mean I'll definitely ask for them, and that even if I do ask for them, I may ask them to leave the L&D room when it's time so DH and I can be alone. MIL being in the room isn't even remotely an option. She hasn't asked yet, but I'm sure she'll approach DH about it and who knows what he will say- regardless I am giving a firm "F NO"
@Megan324 I'm with you girl, what the actual F? That's INSANE! My dad lives 4 or 5 hours away so it will take him a while to get to me anyway, and he's definitely not going to want to be in the room lol. I wouldn't have him in there anyway, too weird!
@Megan324 I'm also looking forward to the entertainment your father's GF will bring to the board. I also don't see what the appeal of watching someone you've only just met give birth.
@mom2adoodle Your MIL sounds childish for using the tactic she did to find out a name a few months early. I would have been pissed at DH, too.
My MIL rant... I'll preface by saying I'm generally lucky in the MIL department, but this weekend left me with two rants.
MIL has been coming and watching McKenna during some of my appointments, and every time she finds something in my house to clean. Saturday took the cake, though, she and FIL babysat so we could attend SIL's dad's funeral. We were gone a long time because it was held four hours away from us. MIL (with FIL) cleans the garage (least of my worries), mows the front lawn and trims just one tree (no idea why that particular one), empties my dishwasher (but since she doesn't know where half of things go just leaves them on the counter) and reloads it with the 5 dirty dishes from breakfast that were in there. I feel like complaining makes me sound like an ungrateful bitch because I know she's just trying to help, but I'm a SAHM, and when she comes into my house and cleans something every time she's here, it makes me feel like she thinks I'm doing a poor job at maintaining my home. It always leaves me feeling like crap more than grateful for the help.
Second rant is probably aimed just as much towards DH. McKenna still does not get juice. This is intentional. DH and I have struggled with huge pop addictions, and I'm trying to do what I can to keep my daughter from getting hooked on sugar addled drinks. I get that it may sound silly, and I know MIL doesn't get it, but it's my kid and my wishes. MIL has been sneaking McKenna Diet Coke since she was 15 months. It pisses me off, and I hate it. DH knows this. About a month ago, he thought my mom was giving McKenna tea (it was turned out to really be water), and gave me a look so I yelled "No" at my mom and made her stop. I still feel guilty about it because my mom wasn't doing anything wrong, and even if it had been tea, I'd rather that than Diet Coke. But I told him that night that he *had* to say something to his mom the next time she gave pop to DD. Of course, it happened yesterday. All he says to her is "We don't give her juice yet." To which she replies "I know, but she loves Dt. coke." And then he let's it drop. Grrrrrr. I wanted to smack them both.
camichael84 I totally get it with the soda thing. I LOVE SODA! I can admit it, I try to never have more than one a day and the last month or so I have tried to go multiple days without it. We do not plan to give our child any soda for a long long time. I grew up with soda being normal and now as an adult I crave it. DH did not grow up with soda being normal and he has always only drank water and actually hates the way soda tastes.
Me: 32 DH: 31
TTC #2 since January 2018
Baby #1 DD Born 8/25/2016 BFP: 8/11/18 Due: 4/26/18
@camichael84 I am so addicted to soda its not funny I am NOT letting my son drink it because I used to smoke cigarettes and quit but I have never ever been able to quit caffeine. So I also would be upset with your MIL about that
@camichael84 - I'd be pissed too on both accounts but especially about the juice/soda. To this day my mom thinks that part of the reason I've battled with my weight my whole life was because they started giving me juice when I was so young. And I'm talking straight juice. Back then they didn't cut it with water like a lot of people do now. We gave the kids juice when they were around 2 or so probably but it was always more water than juice. However, since we've moved to Texas, I don't buy juice. Their options are milk and water (sometimes gatorade), partly because of how hot it gets and partly because they don't need the extra sugar.
It just really irks me when family and friends can't respect the decisions that people have made for their children and family. You should never have to defend those decisions. Rooooaaarrrr!!
@camichael84 Ditto on being upset about anyone giving my kid caffeine! Or artificial sweeteners of any sort. H needs to step up -- his parents, his conversation. I'd be frustrated with him too!
Re cleaning help: It it may be different because I work full time. But my MIL cleaning / doing laundry is her trying to help, even if it's different than how / what I'd do. It comes from a good place at least, I really don't think it's a critique of how you keep your house. It's weird to leave clean dishes on the counter for 5 dirty breakfast things and can see being annoyed. We have cleaners who come monthly and "put the dishes away" in crazy places (OBVIOUSLY a lone coffee cup does not go on top of the dishes, wtf?) But I try to focus on the net help they are. Sounds like In laws are just trying to do you favors / save you time. Lone tree trimming made me laugh, but maybe it was harder than they thought when starting!
As the PP mentioned, I think it's coming from a good place. I still get a little defensive myself when my in laws do stuff without asking etc. but I've learned that them doing things for us is how they show their love. Of course they still tell us they love us, but their actions are the real love. And I've grown to appreciate it and accept it. I just wasn't used to it and took offense in the beginning thinking I wasn't doing a good enough job. But I know that's not the case. They like doing little things to show they care! I still laugh when they do silly things like use every glass in my house in one day, or leave the ends of a cut tomato in the fridge instead of throwing it out, but I know they mean well.
Glad I'm not the only one that sees the soda thing as an issue. @abberson I agree my husband needs to step up here. I called him out on it last night. His thing was he didn't know what to say. I pointed out what I did with my mom (when she wasn't even doing anything we wouldn't!) when he was concerned. And it may have been a bitchy move, but brought up how his brother is vocal to stop her from going against his and his wife's wishes regarding their son. I hope the talk worked, but his mom is very strong willed and he has always just given into her by his nature (he's very passive, for the most part).
I definitely know MIL is trying to help by cleaning and not trying to insult, but that doesn't stop it from making me feel insulted. I'm to the point that I'm starting to dread anytime she watches DD because she's going to find something to "help me clean".
@camichael84 I could write the same exact rant about my MIL re: cleaning my house. I know it is coming from a good place but that doesn't change the way it makes me feel. It makes her feel good because she is "helping" by putting dishes away in places where I can't find or reach them (she puts my cups on the top shelf of my tall cabinets and I'm 5'0", shes 6'0"), rearranges things just because she thinks it more functional there, washes clothes and ends up shrinking my clothes, etc. I don't know why it doesn't matter how her doing these things makes me feel. DH has told her not to wash clothes, ever. So that has helped that but I haven't been able to stop the dishes. So I just deal with that.
As far as the diet coke goes, I'd be so pissed. My DH is similar in that he will bring it up like, "We don't give DD xyz" and MIL will say something similar to yours like "but she likes it!" and he won't push it further. I've started jumping in at that point and saying, "well it doesn't matter that she likes it, we don't want her to have it". The aspartame in diet coke would be my concern. (Is there still aspartame in it?). I just really don't understand why the f*** parents/in-laws can't just respect what we want! It drives me crazy.
Married 9/19/09 Me (32) Dx PCOS, DH (32) SA = Normal/mild morph issues TTC#5 July 2017 - 3rd cycle TTC = BFP on 11/12/17 at 9dpo Beta #1 = 96 at 13dpo - Beta #2 = 207 at 15dpo
TTC#1 starting Nov. 2009 3 rounds of Clomid + TI and 3 rounds of 7.5 mg Femara + IUI before our BFP on 11/8/10 at 12dpiui TTC #2 3rd cycle of Femara 7.5mg+Ovidrel+TI = 4 follies = BFP on 10/12/12 TTC#3 July 2014 - Metformin +TI = BFP at 9dpo - Twins, one baby lost at 5.5 weeks Macy Annabelle born at 37w4d on 4/29/15. Diagnosed with Cri du Chat and passed away on 6/6/15. Forever in our hearts. TTC#4 3rd cycle of Metformin + Femara 7.5mg+Ovidrel+TI = 3 follies = BFP on 12/24/16
Ugh. Mini rant about MIL. DH and I went to her house to pick up a baby changing table/dresser that she so graciously decided to gift us, but when we got there, she decided she wanted to haul it to our house instead of letting us just bring it home. And then proceeded to plop her ass on our couch for 6 (!) hours while DH and and I assembled everything and put together more furniture for the nursery. She kept trying to talk (really, more like yell) through the walls, which is always SUPER RUDE in my opinion but is EXTRA super rude in my house because I need to lip read and she knows this. Like thanks for not even trying to keep me in the conversation in my own damn house, lady. I kept telling her that I can't understand her and she can't yell through the walls but she just would not get up from the couch to make decent polite conversation. She also just cannot take the hint that she is not welcome to stay that long. Seriously. DH and I were like "well, it's time to go to the grocery store..." and started getting ready to leave and she's just like "mmmk, bye! I'll be here when you get back." Um, no lady, you need to move your butt off of my couch and go home. We don't have the luxury of sitting around doing nothing all day listening to you complain and gossip about your work friends or whatever.
@PoodleDoodleOoo OMG who does this???!!!!??? I get annoyed when my mom stays an hour and I couldn't imagine her just sitting on the couch for 6 hours. help out or leave - sitting around should never be an option when everyone else is busy!
Me: 32 DH: 31
TTC #2 since January 2018
Baby #1 DD Born 8/25/2016 BFP: 8/11/18 Due: 4/26/18
@PoodleDoodleOoo Oh man 6 hours?!?! I would lose my mind. I hate when people impose on my day, as DH and I usually have a good plan for our day and I always get so anxious if the plan is mixed up. I would definitely have lost my mind
@mom2adoodle wow! late on the name thing, but what a crazy. I hope your husband finds the courage to stick up to her more, I'm sure there will be plenty of occasions. We aren't sharing the name till baby is born, and at this point we don't even have a name. We get asked a ton - my mom is the worst about it and finally I told her this weekend, we'll tell you his name when you meet him. A lot of friends have asked for at least the initials for personalized gifts, and I don't think they understand when I say "hello - this baby has no name, and therefore no initials".
For the juice/coke conversation - my experience was different in that my parents never allowed us to drink anything but water or milk growing up. As soon as I was in high school (ish) I started buying it on my own at school and I LOVE it. I've never been more than a 1 coke a day, and only at work kind of person, but it's so hard to kick the 2pm work habit. I've made a lot of progress with cutting down while pregnant, but I still have maybe 2 a week; I don't drink coffee so coke is my afternoon source of caffeine. We will also try to avoid soda/juice with this baby for a long time, and I would be livid if someone didn't respect this.
Something that has helped me with the "I want to help..." is having a mental list of a few items I would like checked off my own eternal chores list. So when my MIL asks, I'm primed with something that makes her feel useful but won't irritate me no matter how she does it.
My BIL spent last weekend with us for the shower (he's FIL and MILs driver) and he would always ask 5 min before we were leaving or before the party started. It was a great weekend for him; slept in everyday, had all meals provided, won at poker, and showed up right in time to "offer" help dutifully but without enough time to actually do anything. My brother is like this too. Sneaky!
I'm feeling a bit inspired by your helpful MILs, so I think next time she comes over and plops down I'll be all "here, make yourself useful and fold these towels. Or vacuum, or dust, or...." Hopefully she's either a) actually helpful or b) turned off by the suggestion and just leaves.
I'm so frustrated with my soon to be sister in law. My Brother in law and her are getting married in September and of course I said if you need any help with wedding stuff let me know. Well she definitely has stuff, and I can never say no. I have to monogram her bridesmaids robes for her. my machine doesn't even embroider so I have to do some janky technique (which she sent me a 30 minute YouTube video to watch). I also need to cut 6 aisle runner strips that she is putting alongside the pews instead of down the middle. not to mention I already told her I was planning on making her a king size quilt as their wedding gift. She sent me an entire Pinterest board of quilt ideas. I'm not sure I'm going to be able to do the quilt. Did I mention I have 2 and 1 year old sons?!? My other SIL just had a baby in May and she was the biggest baby ever while pregnant and everyone totally babied her. While I'm sitting here 29 weeks pregnant with 2 kids and I'm supposed to be superwoman!!?? We have so many things we are trying to get done for ourselves before this baby comes! I don't want to be doing so much crap for other ppl. Did I mention she's the biggest perfectionist ever! And decided it would be a good idea to move from MN to Chicago 3 months before her wedding to pursue her opera career. The wedding is 5.5 hours away from us and now 10 hours away from her. I don't even know if I'll be able to go bc I'll be 36.5 weeks pregnant and I had DS2 at 37 weeks. Her and BIL just keep saying "haha oh there's a hospital in Grand Marais!" Ummmm maybe I don't want to have my baby in a strange hospital thanks..... Sorry this is so long.
Married 6-1-13 Sebastian 3-11-14 Simon 5-2-15 Baby #3 Due 9-29-16
We have this problem at my house: I have no problem with my mom coming to our house randomly (or not randomly) and doing the dishes/laundry or whatever. But have a huge problem with MIL doing it because it makes me feel like I can't keep my house clean enough and therefore am not keeping her son happy. Because of this I have an issue when she goes over unannounced to drop something off and the house is a mess.
Well on the opposite side, my DH sees no problem with his mom dropping by, but has a big issue with my mom doing it.
It's simply a case of which one we're both more at ease with. Nothing against either of them, just I'm ok with my mom seeing our house a mess/cleaning, DH is ok with his mom.
Wondering if those who are having problems with MIL coming over 'help' and clean have the same issue as we do? It's ok for your mom to come over but not DHs?
@jensou I like the idea of having a mental list of suggestions! That reminds me that sometimes I leave obvious / easy things for her to do (i.e. towel laundry) knowing she'll want to help.
@LakeR2014 I bet it depends on your relationship with each -- I tend to take actions / comments from my mother more critically! But that's just us.
@mhilpisch10 If anything else wedding comes up, just say no. The quilt can be ready for their anniversary, homemade large project gifts from pregnant family members totally fall into that category. And you should consider asking for help with at least one of the other assigned tasks, too. "The kids and preparing for this baby are taking up more of my time than I thought I'd have. I want everything to be perfect for you, do you have any other friends or relatives who could help with project B so I can make sure project A gets done well?"
ETA: I suspect you should skip the wedding if it's 5.5 hr away and with your history. No way would my OB want me to go. Check with yours! Easier to blame doc. New hospital and far from home would not be ok!
@LakeR2014 I am definitely more comfortable with my mom doing things to help. DH doesn't care who does it as long as he doesn't have to lol. But the difference is my mom actually listens when I say not to do something and she doesn't rearrange things. And if she does something "wrong" like put stuff away in a random place I can tell her where it should go and she doesn't get all weird or offended about it. She would never just go into our room and wash my clothes. Basically, she doesn't overstep boundaries like my MIL does.
Married 9/19/09 Me (32) Dx PCOS, DH (32) SA = Normal/mild morph issues TTC#5 July 2017 - 3rd cycle TTC = BFP on 11/12/17 at 9dpo Beta #1 = 96 at 13dpo - Beta #2 = 207 at 15dpo
TTC#1 starting Nov. 2009 3 rounds of Clomid + TI and 3 rounds of 7.5 mg Femara + IUI before our BFP on 11/8/10 at 12dpiui TTC #2 3rd cycle of Femara 7.5mg+Ovidrel+TI = 4 follies = BFP on 10/12/12 TTC#3 July 2014 - Metformin +TI = BFP at 9dpo - Twins, one baby lost at 5.5 weeks Macy Annabelle born at 37w4d on 4/29/15. Diagnosed with Cri du Chat and passed away on 6/6/15. Forever in our hearts. TTC#4 3rd cycle of Metformin + Femara 7.5mg+Ovidrel+TI = 3 follies = BFP on 12/24/16
I feel like there's a common theme here where mother-in-laws are completely blind to boundaries. I know mine is. My parents are extremely respectful of what we want and careful to follow through.. sometimes they visit us and it's the shortest visit ever... a whirlwind in and out because they don't want to outstay their welcome. MIL on the other hand comes early and leaves late every freaking time.
@LakeR2014 Generally, my mom is more difficult to deal with than MIL. She wouldn't come over and clean ever. She comes over and expects to be waited on. It's no picnic, but I kind of prefer it what MIL is doing. All this said, if MIL is helping me do something when I'm actually home and not doing it while I'm gone, it doesn't bother me. It feels like actual help then and not like she's doing something she feels I'm incapable of doing for her son. (Not that she's actually doing the latter, just how it feels.)
That said, my husband has no problem complaining about or bashing my mom (and brother, for that matter), but never has anything bad to say about his mom and brother. I've gotten mad about this before because his family is far from perfect as well. Basically, he points out my mom and brother's every flaw, but sees right through his mom and brother's flaws.
Re: In-law/Family issues: 3rd Trimester/delivery edition
● IUI #2: BFP - early M/C
● IUI #3: BFN
● IUI #4: BFN
● IVF/FET #1 (2 transferred): BFP! TWINS!
● FET #2 (1 transferred): BFP! BOY #3!
● Natural #1: BFP - M/C @ 8 weeks
● Natural #2: BFP - M/C @ 5w5d
@megan234 Your dad's gf sounds like a nightmare. Wow. I'm so sorry.
My current MIL saga:
DH does not want anyone knowing our baby’s name until birth. He doesn’t want unsolicited opinions. Fine. I abided by his rules and have not told anyone though I’m more relaxed about that kind of thing. Well, guess who has been dying to know the baby’s name and has been sending us suggestions? MIL. She is in Europe and pulled the “the airports I am traveling to might be on the Isis hitlist and I can’t die not knowing my grandson’s name.” Can you believe that? I just laughed and told her God would tell her in heaven but inside I was fuming.
Well, guess what. Apparently she pulled DH aside and pulled another sob story and started crying so he broke down and told her. I couldn’t even believe he did it at first. Since it was HIS rule. I was and am SO PISSED. At him for being a wuss but more at her for being so entitled and nosy that she can’t wait 8 more weeks for the baby’s name? WTF. What makes HER so special? RAWR I am livid just typing this story out.
BFP: 8/11/18 Due: 4/26/18
We're not telling family, either, and most everyone has understood our reasons (sometimes even before being told what they are). We've been asked a few times by some people, but luckily we haven't had anyone hounding us, other than my 10-year-old niece, but she's just a kid and is really excited about her new cousins, so I give her a pass.
● IUI #2: BFP - early M/C
● IUI #3: BFN
● IUI #4: BFN
● IVF/FET #1 (2 transferred): BFP! TWINS!
● FET #2 (1 transferred): BFP! BOY #3!
● Natural #1: BFP - M/C @ 8 weeks
● Natural #2: BFP - M/C @ 5w5d
@MojieJo I'm glad your family has been on board with your decision! That's very lucky. I thought our family was as well until the Isis guilt-trip...
But yes, MIL has never worked a day in her life, grew up very well off, is a control freak (like refolds my bathrooms towels while she uses my bathrooms) and is used to getting her way by throwing money at any situation. Or in this case, tears because of potentially dying in the next 8 weeks because of Isis.
@mom2adoodle So sorry about MIL. Who resorts to ISIS scare tactics to find out a name?? Ugh.
@Megan324 I'm with you girl, what the actual F? That's INSANE! My dad lives 4 or 5 hours away so it will take him a while to get to me anyway, and he's definitely not going to want to be in the room lol. I wouldn't have him in there anyway, too weird!
@mom2adoodle Your MIL sounds childish for using the tactic she did to find out a name a few months early. I would have been pissed at DH, too.
My MIL rant... I'll preface by saying I'm generally lucky in the MIL department, but this weekend left me with two rants.
MIL has been coming and watching McKenna during some of my appointments, and every time she finds something in my house to clean. Saturday took the cake, though, she and FIL babysat so we could attend SIL's dad's funeral. We were gone a long time because it was held four hours away from us. MIL (with FIL) cleans the garage (least of my worries), mows the front lawn and trims just one tree (no idea why that particular one), empties my dishwasher (but since she doesn't know where half of things go just leaves them on the counter) and reloads it with the 5 dirty dishes from breakfast that were in there. I feel like complaining makes me sound like an ungrateful bitch because I know she's just trying to help, but I'm a SAHM, and when she comes into my house and cleans something every time she's here, it makes me feel like she thinks I'm doing a poor job at maintaining my home. It always leaves me feeling like crap more than grateful for the help.
Second rant is probably aimed just as much towards DH. McKenna still does not get juice. This is intentional. DH and I have struggled with huge pop addictions, and I'm trying to do what I can to keep my daughter from getting hooked on sugar addled drinks. I get that it may sound silly, and I know MIL doesn't get it, but it's my kid and my wishes. MIL has been sneaking McKenna Diet Coke since she was 15 months. It pisses me off, and I hate it. DH knows this. About a month ago, he thought my mom was giving McKenna tea (it was turned out to really be water), and gave me a look so I yelled "No" at my mom and made her stop. I still feel guilty about it because my mom wasn't doing anything wrong, and even if it had been tea, I'd rather that than Diet Coke. But I told him that night that he *had* to say something to his mom the next time she gave pop to DD. Of course, it happened yesterday. All he says to her is "We don't give her juice yet." To which she replies "I know, but she loves Dt. coke." And then he let's it drop. Grrrrrr. I wanted to smack them both.
BFP: 8/11/18 Due: 4/26/18
I am NOT letting my son drink it because I used to smoke cigarettes and quit but I have never ever been able to quit caffeine.
So I also would be upset with your MIL about that
It just really irks me when family and friends can't respect the decisions that people have made for their children and family. You should never have to defend those decisions. Rooooaaarrrr!!
Re cleaning help: It it may be different because I work full time. But my MIL cleaning / doing laundry is her trying to help, even if it's different than how / what I'd do. It comes from a good place at least, I really don't think it's a critique of how you keep your house. It's weird to leave clean dishes on the counter for 5 dirty breakfast things and can see being annoyed. We have cleaners who come monthly and "put the dishes away" in crazy places (OBVIOUSLY a lone coffee cup does not go on top of the dishes, wtf?) But I try to focus on the net help they are. Sounds like In laws are just trying to do you favors / save you time. Lone tree trimming made me laugh, but maybe it was harder than they thought when starting!
I definitely know MIL is trying to help by cleaning and not trying to insult, but that doesn't stop it from making me feel insulted. I'm to the point that I'm starting to dread anytime she watches DD because she's going to find something to "help me clean".
As far as the diet coke goes, I'd be so pissed. My DH is similar in that he will bring it up like, "We don't give DD xyz" and MIL will say something similar to yours like "but she likes it!" and he won't push it further. I've started jumping in at that point and saying, "well it doesn't matter that she likes it, we don't want her to have it". The aspartame in diet coke would be my concern. (Is there still aspartame in it?). I just really don't understand why the f*** parents/in-laws can't just respect what we want! It drives me crazy.
Me (32) Dx PCOS, DH (32) SA = Normal/mild morph issues
TTC#5 July 2017 - 3rd cycle TTC = BFP on 11/12/17 at 9dpo Beta #1 = 96 at 13dpo - Beta #2 = 207 at 15dpo
3 rounds of Clomid + TI and 3 rounds of 7.5 mg Femara + IUI before our BFP on 11/8/10 at 12dpiui
TTC #2 3rd cycle of Femara 7.5mg+Ovidrel+TI = 4 follies = BFP on 10/12/12
TTC#3 July 2014 - Metformin +TI = BFP at 9dpo - Twins, one baby lost at 5.5 weeks
Macy Annabelle born at 37w4d on 4/29/15. Diagnosed with Cri du Chat and passed away on 6/6/15. Forever in our hearts.
TTC#4 3rd cycle of Metformin + Femara 7.5mg+Ovidrel+TI = 3 follies = BFP on 12/24/16
BFP: 8/11/18 Due: 4/26/18
@mom2adoodle wow! late on the name thing, but what a crazy. I hope your husband finds the courage to stick up to her more, I'm sure there will be plenty of occasions. We aren't sharing the name till baby is born, and at this point we don't even have a name. We get asked a ton - my mom is the worst about it and finally I told her this weekend, we'll tell you his name when you meet him. A lot of friends have asked for at least the initials for personalized gifts, and I don't think they understand when I say "hello - this baby has no name, and therefore no initials".
For the juice/coke conversation - my experience was different in that my parents never allowed us to drink anything but water or milk growing up. As soon as I was in high school (ish) I started buying it on my own at school and I LOVE it. I've never been more than a 1 coke a day, and only at work kind of person, but it's so hard to kick the 2pm work habit. I've made a lot of progress with cutting down while pregnant, but I still have maybe 2 a week; I don't drink coffee so coke is my afternoon source of caffeine. We will also try to avoid soda/juice with this baby for a long time, and I would be livid if someone didn't respect this.
My BIL spent last weekend with us for the shower (he's FIL and MILs driver) and he would always ask 5 min before we were leaving or before the party started. It was a great weekend for him; slept in everyday, had all meals provided, won at poker, and showed up right in time to "offer" help dutifully but without enough time to actually do anything. My brother is like this too. Sneaky!
My other SIL just had a baby in May and she was the biggest baby ever while pregnant and everyone totally babied her. While I'm sitting here 29 weeks pregnant with 2 kids and I'm supposed to be superwoman!!??
We have so many things we are trying to get done for ourselves before this baby comes! I don't want to be doing so much crap for other ppl. Did I mention she's the biggest perfectionist ever! And decided it would be a good idea to move from MN to Chicago 3 months before her wedding to pursue her opera career. The wedding is 5.5 hours away from us and now 10 hours away from her. I don't even know if I'll be able to go bc I'll be 36.5 weeks pregnant and I had DS2 at 37 weeks. Her and BIL just keep saying "haha oh there's a hospital in Grand Marais!" Ummmm maybe I don't want to have my baby in a strange hospital thanks.....
Sorry this is so long.
Sebastian 3-11-14
Simon 5-2-15
Baby #3 Due 9-29-16
We have this problem at my house: I have no problem with my mom coming to our house randomly (or not randomly) and doing the dishes/laundry or whatever. But have a huge problem with MIL doing it because it makes me feel like I can't keep my house clean enough and therefore am not keeping her son happy. Because of this I have an issue when she goes over unannounced to drop something off and the house is a mess.
Well on the opposite side, my DH sees no problem with his mom dropping by, but has a big issue with my mom doing it.
It's simply a case of which one we're both more at ease with. Nothing against either of them, just I'm ok with my mom seeing our house a mess/cleaning, DH is ok with his mom.
Wondering if those who are having problems with MIL coming over 'help' and clean have the same issue as we do? It's ok for your mom to come over but not DHs?
@LakeR2014 I bet it depends on your relationship with each -- I tend to take actions / comments from my mother more critically! But that's just us.
ETA: I suspect you should skip the wedding if it's 5.5 hr away and with your history. No way would my OB want me to go. Check with yours! Easier to blame doc. New hospital and far from home would not be ok!
Me (32) Dx PCOS, DH (32) SA = Normal/mild morph issues
TTC#5 July 2017 - 3rd cycle TTC = BFP on 11/12/17 at 9dpo Beta #1 = 96 at 13dpo - Beta #2 = 207 at 15dpo
3 rounds of Clomid + TI and 3 rounds of 7.5 mg Femara + IUI before our BFP on 11/8/10 at 12dpiui
TTC #2 3rd cycle of Femara 7.5mg+Ovidrel+TI = 4 follies = BFP on 10/12/12
TTC#3 July 2014 - Metformin +TI = BFP at 9dpo - Twins, one baby lost at 5.5 weeks
Macy Annabelle born at 37w4d on 4/29/15. Diagnosed with Cri du Chat and passed away on 6/6/15. Forever in our hearts.
TTC#4 3rd cycle of Metformin + Femara 7.5mg+Ovidrel+TI = 3 follies = BFP on 12/24/16
BFP: 8/11/18 Due: 4/26/18
That said, my husband has no problem complaining about or bashing my mom (and brother, for that matter), but never has anything bad to say about his mom and brother. I've gotten mad about this before because his family is far from perfect as well. Basically, he points out my mom and brother's every flaw, but sees right through his mom and brother's flaws.