As a plus size lady, I have to say I wish I got a little of that pregnancy good will. Just having a stranger look at me and not assume the trouble i am having us because my body is bad would be great. For the majority of my pregnancy people have seen my body as not pregnant, just a less hourglass shaped kind of fat (I never realized the amount of good will an hourglass dhape gets you) So, when I had horrible sciatica pain and needed to sit down during the second trimester while DH stood in line for me - glares and judgement. When I got dizzy and needed to sit or out of breath in the third trimester it was assumptions about my fitness level and snide comments. Even at 35 weeks (and I think pretty darn obviously pregnant) I don't get smiles from little old ladies or anything. Do I need that? No. I think pregnancy is a pretty private choice, I did not want comments or random help or belly rubs, but I will take a generalized good will and lack of scorn. Plus, it feels so strange to run around in an obviously pregnant body and have people afraid to acknowledge it or just stare in confusion. Having people assume you need help because you are pregnant is annoying, but i would take it over having them assume you are just lazy and broken (and harsher things i won't name) because you are fat. Hell, I have gotten street harassment during my pregnancy. I will take overly solicitous door holding and smolina old ladies over that.
Amen. I feel you for sure! I've only had like one or two strangers acknowledge my pregnancy and I'm very self conscious about people assuming I'm just tired from being fat, or seeing the ice cream in my cart and thinking "you don't need that, fatty" instead of sung it as a funny pregnancy cliche. I always put my hand on my belly and try to bring it up myself so people know I'm pregnant. I also have a hard time because while everyone on Facebook thinks my tummy is cute and says I'm "glowing" if I post a picture right now. . . I know that my stomach is truly only a little bit smaller when I'm not pregnant and I get depressed thinking about having to go back to trying to hide it all the time and not being able to find anything to wear. Believe it or not, that's harder when I'm not pregnant. Ugh I could cry right now just thinking about it.
I actually like getting a little special treatment while pregnant. I don't expect it but I accept it when it's offered. The company I work for doesn't let us park in visitor parking, which is up front. Those of us who work nights have to park really far away, which means walking for 10 minutes in the summer heat when we come to work and walking that far at 1 in the morning when we leave. And this area is known for homeless people hanging around and frequent crime. When I was told I was allowed to use visitor parking if there where any spaces left, of course I'm going to take advantage of that. Also, I can't reach my toes anymore, so when DH offered to clip and file my toe nails for me I let him. We currently can't afford for me to get a pedicure and I don't want my toe nails to be so long that they're painful. He'll also get a couple things for me while I'm sitting and resting at the end of the night. It's hard to get in and out of chairs for me and easy for him. But he told me he loves doing things for me while pregnant because I'm the one doing all the work and he feels like his job is taking care of me and making sure I'm comfortable. I thought that was sweet. After saying all this though, I live in an area of the country where holding doors open for people and doing them little favors is normal. I hold doors open for both men and women all the time whether they're perfectly able to do it or not. And DH will offer to take other people's grocery carts back for them when we're shopping if he's headed in the same direction (men, women, doesn't matter). It's just a common courtesy here to do things for people.
I agree for those of you who don't want last minute visitors. All of mine, however, want to come the second LO is born. At my shower this past weekend I must have had 20 people tell me to let them know when I'm in labor and they'll come visit (we live four hours from everyone we know). Umm... No you won't. First of all, we have one guest room that shares a room with the nursery and we live in a very small town house. Second of all, I'm not spending my first few weeks with LO catering to your needs and wants because you're my "guest." And third of all, we're incredibly pro vaxxers and don't want that many people who never got a TDAP all visiting at the same time! As you can tell I'm a little upset over everyone's assumption that I'm going to host more than 20 people at my house for the first week of baby's life.
@liljabee Thank you for sharing your experience and I'm sorry you have to go through that. I think you've hit on the fact that while some women get adoration and kind smiles for being pregnant, many receive scorn or just indifference. Privilege, or the lack thereof, does not just vanish when we become pregnant.
@SkiChic626 I totally agree that it's pretty strange to me to have someone in L&D with you that's not your SO, but I guess I understand people who are really close to their mom, or their sister is a doula, lactation consultant, midwife, etc. But for me, my mother stresses me out to hell and is so nosy. Not to mention she thinks it's perfectly normal to just bring up any "lady stuff" with any other woman, because "it's not like we don't understand what its like". Yeah, um no. Weird. Also, my DH is the person that's absolutely closest to me, and this is our baby and ours alone... it was just us making the baby, I didn't need you to hold my hand then, I don't need it now. But again, I guess other people don't always feel that way.
Total ditto to the last minute visitors/maybe is brand new visitors. My solution... I just put people to work that visit these days. I start by telling them my weekend to-do list and invite them to join. That has scared a few people off.
I have to say that although I totally understand only wanting your SO in the room when giving birth, I am one of those who had my mother as well. When I had my first kid she had been there for me more than my daughters dad. When I had my 2nd kid (with my now husband ) I told her I wasn't sure if I wanted her in the room but she would be first in to see baby. My husband was ok with whatever I wanted. Labor came, I text my mom, and an hour later I realized she still wasn't there and freaked out lol. Neither her nor my husband knew if she should come in, and I was getting bitch waiting for my epi, so dh didn't ask. Anyway, she was there. My mom and I are super close, she's probably my best friend. .. just kinda happened when I became a mom. And she is very good about boundaries. She wouldn't dream of trying to even touch the baby until my husband or I offer and we've had our time. My first two kids she just stood in the corner crying and watching after they were born waiting until it was appropriate to come by us.
Similar to the special privileges while pregnant, I can't stand when women play into the overly emotional pregnant stereotype. Sure, pregnancy made me a little quicker to cry than normal, but whenever I see or hear of someone crying over something completely ridiculous, I just think they should get a better handle on their emotions.
I feel similarly about PMS hormones. If we think women can do anything men can do like be CEOs or even POTUS, we need to stop playing into the stereotype that we turn into nonsensical lunatics when our hormones fluctuate.
I suspect this is truly unpopular considering we had an entire thread dedicated to why my pregnant self is crying. I rolled my eyes a lot in that thread.
Now that I went through this, I think whoever says, "I had such an easy pregnancy," is a big fat liar.
I don't care if you had it "easy" because you skipped feeling nauseous and never vomited or didn't get any heartburn.
I doubt third trimester is going to let anyone off the hook. Maybe you had an easier pregnancy than most people but pregnancy is not an easy thing to go through by any means.
@bananers I agree with that. The thread should've been called "why my pregnant self is tearing up". I've always been a pretty easy crier so it's hasn't been that much worse during pregnancy. Most of the time when I posted there it was because something made me tear up and then I moved on.
Pregnancy hormones are nothing compared to post partum hormones. Those will give you a run for your money in the sanity department.
AliKay20 In fairness, I think when people say this they mean I had it easy 'for a pregnancy'. As in, they're acknowledging they've had it a lot easier than other people have and are just grateful for that. I know I've definitely had a relatively easy 1st and 2nd trimester. 3rd trimester has been slightly tougher and getting harder but not as bad as a lot of people get. I know I've been lucky to enjoy it so far. I don't think anyone's saying 'pregnancy is easy', more that it could have been a lot worse.
Yes to the stereotype of PMS and hormones! We have a guy that works mostly chemistry and he tried to switch departments last minute without asking with a pregnant co-worker. When she told him she wasn't switching, he asked her what her problem was and if she was hormonal? He is lucky he is still living.
Even suffering from anxiety and depression, I am not much of a crier. I more or less shut down when upset more than anything. So if I am actually crying, DH knows it is something serious or I am at my emotional limit.
10/2017: Twins confirmed with TTTS at 22 weeks. 10/10/17 Twin B passed after in utero placenta surgery 11/2/17 Twin A & B born 11/26/17: Twin A passed after 24 days fighting in the NICU Benched 6 months BFP: 6/28/18 MC:7/16/18 BO BFP: 10/2/18 EDD 6/15/18
@Stephanie7693 my mom was also super respectful of it being our time with DS right after he was born, even though she was in the room during labor. She actually left the room a minute or two after, and went to the waiting room to tell everyone. If she was more overbearing and someone who would over-step boundaries I would definitely feel different.
If my mom is able to make the 10 hour trip in time, I will likely have her in the delivery too as she is an L&D nurse and lactation consultant. I think that extra support will be very helpful and I know she will keep an eye on how things are going if I'm too distracted by the process of laboring.
Where I live everyone is usually pretty nice, pregnant or not, so I don't think there is special treatment or that I deserve it and I like knowing that I can do a lot of things without assistance.
My UO is that I really dislike the people who try to "embellish" how pregnant they are for sympathy/attention.I was at Target and this girl is walking around holding her belly and has a full waddle going on. The lines are long, but a nice older lady that was carrying all her items let this girl go ahead of her and asked the girl how far along she was and she said 26 weeks. Everyone can see the bump, I don't think its necessary to act like you are the first and only pregnant person ever.
@bananers - I agree. I get weepy over a few things more-so now that I'm a parent. But thats just in general and I think better understand the importance of such things. Like my kids meeting their great-grandparents or patriotic things for our country.
I will say majority of the times "my pregnant self has been crying" has been when I'm more stressed and overwhelmed because as a working woman and mother and now carrying another baby there are A LOT of expectations of me. There are a lot of things DH doesn't worry about that I have to.
@bananers Will always be my number one Internet crush.
@AliKay20 honestly, my pregnancies are really easy. I wouldn't say that everything is pleasant, but I really can't say that it's really worth complaining about at all. I am about 6 feet tall, so I do have a little more storage space for the little ones.
@texasmama2014 I love @bananers too! Her comebacks and funny comments make my day lol. And I also have had fairly uneventful pregnancies. I am only 5'2" so it is a little harder for me to carry baby around but not horrible. With my last pregnancy I was taken off of work at 34 weeks as I was having lots of contractions that had to be stopped at L&D but never put on complete bed rest. This time (yesterday @ 32 weeks) I was taken down to 5 hours a day for work for the same thing but am feeling pretty good.
Even suffering from anxiety and depression, I am not much of a crier. I more or less shut down when upset more than anything. So if I am actually crying, DH knows it is something serious or I am at my emotional limit.
This! My breaking point is usually triggered by something stupid relating to the bigger issue so I always feel ridiculous about it (like a song, commercial, or a minor comment). Like really?? DH is always thrown off if I start crying because it's not common.
@AliKay20 - Although I had a horrible first trimester with dd1, the 2nd and 3rd were an absolutely breeze. I never got to the too pregnant phase, had a ton of energy, and felt great. If it wasn't for the first trimester I wouldn't have thought I was pregnant. This pregnancy has been different though. I wasn't nearly as sick in the first trimester but am uncomfortable in the 3rd. I could have stayed pregnant a couple more months with dd1 and now I can't wait until I'm not pregnant.
@Sekerambo I'm the same. With DD I was really sick through half of the second trimester, then that was gone and it didn't slow me down at all and I felt great. With this one I wasn't AS sick, but I'm constantly dragging. I can hardly move some days and he's just making me very uncomfortable.
Similar to the special privileges while pregnant, I can't stand when women play into the overly emotional pregnant stereotype. Sure, pregnancy made me a little quicker to cry than normal, but whenever I see or hear of someone crying over something completely ridiculous, I just think they should get a better handle on their emotions.
I feel similarly about PMS hormones. If we think women can do anything men can do like be CEOs or even POTUS, we need to stop playing into the stereotype that we turn into nonsensical lunatics when our hormones fluctuate.
I suspect this is truly unpopular considering we had an entire thread dedicated to why my pregnant self is crying. I rolled my eyes a lot in that thread.
I totally agree. It drives me absolutely crazy any time I hear someone reference a person's cycle as it relates to their behavior or emotions. I can't stand it when men do it, but it particularly rubs me the wrong way when women do it.
@AliKay20 I agree! My mom is always telling me how easy her pregnancy was and how much she loved being pregnant. She said she never had a single symptom the entire time and doesn't understand how I have any. She claims she never got sick, never had swollen feet, never got dizzy or hot flashes or tired, never got heartburn, never had BH contractions or anything until actual labor. I don't really believe her and think she just forgot all the bad stuff since it was more than 27 years ago.
I do enjoy being pregnant and while miserable a lot of the time, am happy about it because of the end result. The thing that gets me though is the constant anxiety worrying that something will go wrong!
Re: UO Thursday
Amen. I feel you for sure! I've only had like one or two strangers acknowledge my pregnancy and I'm very self conscious about people assuming I'm just tired from being fat, or seeing the ice cream in my cart and thinking "you don't need that, fatty" instead of sung it as a funny pregnancy cliche. I always put my hand on my belly and try to bring it up myself so people know I'm pregnant.
I also have a hard time because while everyone on Facebook thinks my tummy is cute and says I'm "glowing" if I post a picture right now. . . I know that my stomach is truly only a little bit smaller when I'm not pregnant and I get depressed thinking about having to go back to trying to hide it all the time and not being able to find anything to wear. Believe it or not, that's harder when I'm not pregnant. Ugh I could cry right now just thinking about it.
I agree for those of you who don't want last minute visitors. All of mine, however, want to come the second LO is born. At my shower this past weekend I must have had 20 people tell me to let them know when I'm in labor and they'll come visit (we live four hours from everyone we know). Umm... No you won't. First of all, we have one guest room that shares a room with the nursery and we live in a very small town house. Second of all, I'm not spending my first few weeks with LO catering to your needs and wants because you're my "guest." And third of all, we're incredibly pro vaxxers and don't want that many people who never got a TDAP all visiting at the same time! As you can tell I'm a little upset over everyone's assumption that I'm going to host more than 20 people at my house for the first week of baby's life.
@AliKay20 I love Awkward. I'm sad it's over (it's over right??).
Baby #2: Emmeline Grey - August 2016
Baby #3: BFP 9/7/18 | EDD 05/24/19
Edited because auto correct
I feel similarly about PMS hormones. If we think women can do anything men can do like be CEOs or even POTUS, we need to stop playing into the stereotype that we turn into nonsensical lunatics when our hormones fluctuate.
I suspect this is truly unpopular considering we had an entire thread dedicated to why my pregnant self is crying. I rolled my eyes a lot in that thread.
BFP #2 8/22/12 | EDD 5/5/13 | DS1 born 5/9/13
BFP #3 4/25/15 | EDD 1/7/16 | MMC 7/2/15 @ 13w1d | D&E 7/8/15
BFP #4 12/9/15 | EDD 8/22/16 | DS2 born 5/18/16 at 26w2d
Just keep swimming.
I don't care if you had it "easy" because you skipped feeling nauseous and never vomited or didn't get any heartburn.
I doubt third trimester is going to let anyone off the hook. Maybe you had an easier pregnancy than most people but pregnancy is not an easy thing to go through by any means.
Pregnancy hormones are nothing compared to post partum hormones. Those will give you a run for your money in the sanity department.
Even suffering from anxiety and depression, I am not much of a crier. I more or less shut down when upset more than anything. So if I am actually crying, DH knows it is something serious or I am at my emotional limit.
DD: Aug '16
10/2017: Twins confirmed with TTTS at 22 weeks.
10/10/17 Twin B passed after in utero placenta surgery
11/2/17 Twin A & B born
11/26/17: Twin A passed after 24 days fighting in the NICU
Benched 6 months
BFP: 6/28/18 MC:7/16/18 BO
BFP: 10/2/18 EDD 6/15/18
My UO is that I really dislike the people who try to "embellish" how pregnant they are for sympathy/attention.I was at Target and this girl is walking around holding her belly and has a full waddle going on. The lines are long, but a nice older lady that was carrying all her items let this girl go ahead of her and asked the girl how far along she was and she said 26 weeks. Everyone can see the bump, I don't think its necessary to act like you are the first and only pregnant person ever.
I will say majority of the times "my pregnant self has been crying" has been when I'm more stressed and overwhelmed because as a working woman and mother and now carrying another baby there are A LOT of expectations of me. There are a lot of things DH doesn't worry about that I have to.
@AliKay20 honestly, my pregnancies are really easy. I wouldn't say that everything is pleasant, but I really can't say that it's really worth complaining about at all. I am about 6 feet tall, so I do have a little more storage space for the little ones.
@kristynmac I love the North Dakota nice!!!
Baby #2: Emmeline Grey - August 2016
Baby #3: BFP 9/7/18 | EDD 05/24/19
I do enjoy being pregnant and while miserable a lot of the time, am happy about it because of the end result. The thing that gets me though is the constant anxiety worrying that something will go wrong!