In-law/Family issues: 3rd Trimester/delivery edition

kosmo86 · June 2016

We used to have a thread dedicated to Mom/MIL issues that was used A LOT in the 1st tri. I thought it would be a good post now that we are much further along!

kosmo86 · June 2016

Today during a casual conversion with my Mom she told me how she plans to be in the waiting room the entire time I am in labor and to be able to be in my room up until active labor starts. Ummm no. I tried to NICELY let her know that we don't want anyone coming up to the hospital until at least 2 hours after the baby is born (for extra baby mommy bonding quiet time). She told me she was going to be upset if we left her out. I have ZERO interest in anyone being in the delivery room with me and I don't want to feel pressure to have someone in the waiting room and have to have DH keep going out to inform them of progress. I am such a private person and my mom is under the impression that all woman want their mom's in there with them. SorryNotSorry my baby my rules....

rn1stbae · June 2016

Let her sit there. Tell the staff no visitors and she can sit there, just like she would at home. She'll get tired of it after a few hours. Just ignore her calls

I have a stubborn mom, this is what I'd do!

ketomommy · June 2016

I had a calm discussion with my mom about this. Our agreement is that no one will tell her anything until the baby is here. That way there is no fighting.

mrsvoorhees-2 · June 2016

@kosmo86if she wants to come up and sit in the waiting room, let her. Just tell her that you don't want anyone in your room and that H isn't going to be keeping anyone updated because you want him focused on helping you, so she is welcome to sit in the waiting room but she won't see the baby until 2 hours after birth. She might be more willing to stay home then.

rock1cherry · June 2016

My mom mentioned she wants to be in the delivery room with me. I'm not sure I want that. Ideally I would love for it to be DH and I only. And have some time alone to get myself together before visitors come. But my MIL and FIL also say they want to be there "to hear baby's first screams"...soo yeah I dunno. I'm contemplating not telling anyone I'm in labor until it's really close so they don't have time to get here. That sounds awful, I know, but I don't know how I'm going to feel. Maybe my feelings will change?

mrsvoorhees-2 · June 2016

@rock1cherry I totally didn't want anyone but H in there last time and won't this time either, but, I will say that I don't think it would bother me as much as I thought it would to have my mom in there. I still won't ask her to though and i don't really think she wants to be. I just told my family that I really wanted it to just be me and H and that it made me uncomfortable to have a bunch of people in there while I was spread eagle. I would think your family would understand too.

kosmo86 · June 2016

@rock1cherry - it has actually always been my idea to not tell our parents until after the baby is born, but DH wants to tell his family and I can't not tell my mom and tell his. I want things to just be about me, DH and the baby and I really don't want to have constant texts and calls. They may be upset at first but once they see the baby I am sure all will be forgiven!

JennM205 · June 2016

@kosmo86 I didn't think I wanted people in the waiting room when DD was born either. Turns out, when the time came, it didn't bother me that they were out there one bit. I made it clear to them that them waiting for potentially hours and hours was their choice and that they wouldn't get updates because I needed DH with me. I had no problem keeping them away for an ample amount of time after she was actually born; basically the nurses in L&D asked me what I wanted. If I wanted to allow anyone in, they were on board. If I didn't, they'd back me by saying it was hospital policy. It worked out great!

PSUBecky23 · June 2016

Are any of these waiting room parents forgetting that babies come in the middle of the night sometimes? My daughter was born at close to ten. By the time we were both cleaned up and moved to a room it was close to midnight. Go home and sleep, people. The baby will be there in the morning.

rock1cherry · June 2016

I guess I'm just not sure what I want. I feel bad because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. But as you said, I don't like the idea of being spread wide eagle in front of my family. I don't even want DH to look down there in fear of him passing out or never seeing me the same again. Lol. But I agree, the baby and I will still be there in the morning. Having some rest and having time together as the 3 of us first sounds so nice. I don't want to be passing her around right away...

pilotswifey · June 2016

I didn't want either parent with me at actual delivery time, but they both hung out while I was laboring. Dad is a retired doctor, and Mom was a nurse forever...so medical stuff has always been a dinner conversation at our house. When it came time to push, Dad excused himself, and Mom asked if she could stay. At that point, I really didn't care who was in there. Honestly, the whole town could have been there, and I don't think I would have noticed.

In the long run, I'm really glad she was there. She was as excited to meet LO as I was. Mom and I were really close, though, so our relationship might be unique. Since she's managed to die in the meantime, I'm glad I have those memories.

camichael84 · June 2016

People in the waiting room didn't bother me. Their presence there was the last thing on my mind. However, we made it clear to everyone before they showed up that they wouldn't be allowed back to see us until we had moved to the postpartum rooms about 2 hrs after the birth, and DH made no attempt of keeping them in the loop (other than when she arrived). They all still showed up anyway. I don't think I would have wanted to do it, but it was their time wasted, not mine.

That said, I'm all for doing what feels right to you.

@rock1cherry I don't blame you for being reluctant. It was only me, DH, one nurse, and the OB when my daughter was born. It was perfect to me.

CoffeeBeanFiend91 · June 2016

This time we will not allow anyone in until ive been in my room for 2hrs and the first to come will be DD1 nobody can see DD2 until the sisters get to meet and have their moment. With DD1 DH abd my mom were with me during labor but she made it miserable. She wanted to watch a 24hr news channel and bicker with the TV while I just wanted my quiet music and she got her way. Then everytime I needed her support she waant there. And then because everyone was impatient they started showing up to the hospital and I ended up having a c section and it took forever for me to come out if recovery so everyone got a good look before I could. Not this time.

rock1cherry · June 2016

@pilotswifey thanks for sharing your story. And I'm sorry to hear about your mom. This is one of the things I worry about. Will I regret not having her there one day. I know she has the best of intentions and is as excited as I am. Maybe more. Ha. I guess we can decide closer to. She lives in Canada and needs to drive a good 2 hours to get here. My in laws are 3 and 1/2 hours away too. So I at least have time unless they're already visiting at the time. My mom already has a week off around my due date (unplanned - just how her schedule works) but I know that's not how this works...could be early or late. Who knows. But at least I have some time to really consider it.

thanks to everyone who's given their opinion and shared their story. It's helpful to know I'm not alone considering this.

RedMar · June 2016

You're definitely not alone! I wanted it to be me and DH only. My sister and his mom had a hard time with this. I ended up having to tell my sis that I wanted it to be a moment between the 2 of us. DH told his mom the same and she replied "I want to be there when my son announces 'I'm a dad' for the first time". So she laid it on pretty thick, which definitely rubbed me the wrong way.

Fast forward to me getting admitted at 7pm on a Sunday night, we told NO ONE. Because everyone lives less than an hour away from the hospital, we took no chances. It was so much more peaceful for me listening to my birthing cd and being alone (aside from DH)in the dark for the night as I labored. The next morning at 8am, I was ready to push. I know I would not have progressed as quickly if I had known there were others there or if they came in the room to see if there was a baby yet. We will be doing the same this time around, except we'll have to tell MIL since she will be caring for DS.

Please keep in mind this is an INTIMATE moment between you and your SO. Would you want these people in the room for the making of the baby?? This is about you and what you're comfortable with, screw everyone else! I know that sounds heartless, but trust me when I say the more peaceful the environment, the more you'll progress and the sooner you'll meet your baby! You're in the hospital for days, so there is plenty of time for people to visit.

Shiva14 · June 2016

@CoffeeBeanFiend91 I'm so sorry about that experience. Having everyone see baby before you and not getting the birth experience you wanted due to people being insensitive sounds absolutely awful.

We had people come visit 2 hours after birth last time. One plus was that they could bring food. I was starving after labor and of course it was 3 am and the hospital cafeteria was closed for hours. Never has McDonald's tasted so good lol.

A major negative was that I didn't have time to clean up. I was in a hospital gown and as soon as everyone was in the room, the nurses wanted me to try to pee. Waddling to the bathroom, in lots of pain, with your butt showing while your in laws are in the room was NOT a super fun experience.

This time the agreement is that DS will see the baby first. There are 2 reasons for this. The one we are telling everyone is (of course) that this is his sister and we want our little family unit to meet first. The other very valid reason is that DS is on a toddler schedule. It's going to take whoever is watching him a while to get him ready to go. He would be sleeping if the baby is born in the middle of the night, etc. All of that gives us more time so I can shower and put on normal clothes and feel like a human.

rock1cherry · June 2016

You're absolutely right @redmar I told my hubby this morning that I would like it to be just him and I and he understood completely. And is basically leaving it up to me. Which is nice. @shiva14 you've got a point there. I wouldn't mind being cleaned up and feeling more human when people want to pop in. I'm glad to hear from all of the stories that the nurses follow your lead so if you want alone time you can have it! That's wonderful and it takes the pressure off me from seeming like a bad guy. Ha

KristinUM12 · June 2016

I want it to be just me and DH, as well. The birthing center we're using normally has people heading home 4-8 hours after baby is born, so I'm just telling people that we receive at home and they can meet baby there. The center doesn't really have a waiting room area for family, so it actually makes it easier to convince them to just wait until we get home.

Funny story though...my parents currently live in Africa. My mom is flying back to the States a week before my due date (their perm house is 20 minutes from where DH and I are, so she can just stay there, thankfully), but my dad wanted to come on my due date for a day, meet baby, and fly back. It took me forever to convince him that he should schedule a flight for later...because he might completely miss the baby if I go late!! I'm pretty sure my mom had me and my brothers all early or on time, so he just doesn't grasp the concept of going 10 days late!

rn1stbae · June 2016

I don't get it...if you say something like "Well, my vagina is going to be all over the place and people elbow deep in my uterus, do you really need to be in there for that?" They still insist on being there? Even in-laws?? At that my husband fears being in there....try saying something brutally honest like that.

"I'd rather be alone while they piece together my ripped perineum."

AnnaS930 · June 2016

My husband and I wanted just us in the delivery room, so that's what we had. We called family when I was admitted and knew baby would arrive within that day/the next. His mom and my sister/brother-in-law headed to our house to stay for the night and my parents headed down from their house (1 hour away). They never bothered me in the hospital, though they did deliver some McDonald's so my husband when he was hungry and didn't want hospital food (I made him eat it in the lobby and sent my sister up to stay with me for the 15 minutes that he stuffed his face).

After baby was born, I told my husband he should call family if they wanted to come see us and he said "Well.. they're in the waiting room. They texted about a half hour ago saying they were heading back to our house after dinner and I told them that it seemed like the time had come. They can be up any minute when I let them know"

He was such a saint to have orchestrated all of that without me every noticing him on his phone. I didn't know they were there, so there was no pressure to do anything on anyone's timeline other than the baby's. Waiting rooms aren't so bad.. and L&D staff are notoriously amazing for keeping visitors away until the parents give them to word to let them in.

hey_clever_girl · June 2016

We didn't accept visitors in the delivery room with our daughter (while I was in early labor we let both our mothers in briefly, until I was in too much pain and needed everyone out). We didn't invite anyone in until she had been cleaned up, etc. Same story this time. Our in-laws are responsible for caring for our older daughter while I'm birthin' this one, so I don't know where they will be. I have a feeling they'll hang at the hospital, which will suck for them, because she'll get bored. We have already made it VERY clear to them that SHE is to be the first person that meets the baby, before anyone else. My MIL was not happy, but whatever.

Sarafuss · June 2016

This is always a stressor for me. With my first baby I didn't know any better and we let all of our parents come up while I was in labor (emergency induction for pre-e at 37 weeks). I just didn't realize what labor was going to be like and I regret having them there. They were not in the room when I delivered and DH went out to let them know that DS was born, his name, stats, etc. but they weren't allowed back yet. DS had trouble regulating his breathing so it took an hour or more of skin-to-skin to get it under control. When they were finally allowed back in the L&D room to see him my mom was complaining about waiting and what took so long? It really pissed me off. Then they all came up to the recovery room with us and again I had no idea that the nurses are there so much prodding at you, getting you up to pee, checking your vitals, checking baby and everything else all in a tiny hospital room. It was chaos.

With my second baby we told our parents that we would call them when they could come up to the hospital and that DS would be the first to see the baby. Well my FIL was heading out of town that day for a weekend fishing trip so he decided that what we wanted didn't fit into his schedule and showed up to the hospital unannounced. (Got my room number from the nurse at the L&D desk) and waltzed in while they were cleaning me up shortly after birth. I was furious and it still really makes me mad. I made him leave the room and even after we were transferred to the recovery room he had to sit in the hallway until after my mom brought DS to the hospital so he could see the baby "first".

My third birth was a different situation due to her diagnosis so people respected our wishes to be alone. I really hope they understand that this birth will be a very emotional one and respect that we want our space to bond before allowing visitors. The plan is to let people come up on the second day as the first day is a crazy whirlwind of nurses in and out of your room, getting the hang of breastfeeding and just recovering in general. It really just depends on the time of day the baby is born as to when we will have people come up. Also, when I check-in to the hospital I opt to have my info kept private so people can't get my room number and show up unannounced again. And we don't tell anyone when we are going to the hospital or when the induction is scheduled other than my mom who will be watching the kids.

tinypikachu · June 2016

I am very close to my family (except my mom, unfortunately) and would be okay having them there after the birth. I don't want anyone but DH with me during labor/pushing and I really, really want to be able to bond with baby for a little bit before people come spend hours holding her and me just watching them from bed.

I am so thankful for technology. It might be informal but we'll just text everyone when she's born and when they can come in (they'll probably be in the waiting room). I don't want DH missing out on baby's first few minutes by having to go out and let everyone know.

One of the reasons I'm afraid of a c-section is because I know DH will have to take her out and away from me while they close me up. I feel like I'll just lay there crying all emotional and hormonal. And I definitely wouldn't want her out in the waiting room meeting everyone before I can spend time with her. If I end up needing a cesarean, these are all concerns I'll have to bring up to the doc.

nativetexan512 · June 2016

I've made some major progress with my MIL, happy to say. Things are by no means perfect, but it seems like she's getting the message that 1) she will not come live with us for an extended time after baby arrives, or afterwards 2) we don't need help picking a name3) it's not her baby, and we are not sharing this baby with her. She's a grandparent only.

Seems like the shock and awe of the first grandchild has worn off and she's getting back to her normal state of mind, which I am so thankful for. They came to visit this weekend and she said two things that blew my mind - first "for 24 hours before and after delivery I had no desire to see anyone besides my husband and children, so I totally understand if you want that too" followed up by "well I know you will want your mom to help out first, just know I am here if you need help."

I don't know what changed her - DH, my FIL or maybe just time, but I am SO grateful.

RG1 · June 2016

DH seems to think he will be a nervous wreck (I think he'll be fine) and says he might need his mom to help him stay calm if I'm not able to support him (which I'm assuming I won't be able to. Also, I think he underestimates himself and will be totally fine). On our birth plan we had to fill out with the hospital, you write the names of the people who are allowed in the room while you labour, and while you push. I wrote my MIL for labour and was hesitant to write that I'd want her there while I push. DH said it's totally up to me, but I wrote her down because it's better to have her on there and change my mind than to want her there and her name not be on the plan (I think they stick to it pretty strictly). We haven't even told her so really we could just decide in the moment we don't want her in the room anymore. I do picture it just being DH and I when the baby is actually born, so I think when it comes that time she would respect that and leave.

I always thought I wouldn't mind people coming to visit after, but people popped in unannounced when I was recovering from my appendectomy and i was so tired and felt like crap that I didn't feel like entertaining them. To get my mom to leave, I eventually said "well, I could take a nap..." And she got the hint. I can only imagine how much more I'll want to be alone with DH once the baby is here.

CRich15 · June 2016

This makes me thankful for having a c-section... I get one person back there with me and it will be DH. He doesn't make a big ordeal out of every little thing, unlike my mother who still talks at me like I'm a child and hovers. Drives me batshit crazy and I've told her to back up numerous time. Growing up my mom always told me that she was going to be in the room when I had kids... um no! I HATE when all the attention is on me in any situation and birth was no exception. Thankfully, I ended up having both the boys while we were stationed in Italy and no one but DH and I were there to enjoy it. My SIL will be here to help with the boys when we have this one but she won't be all up in my goodies... DH will come get her when we are ready since she needs him to sponsor her on base. Gotta love extra security measures!

AnnaS930 · June 2016

@AlwaysAuntNeverMom - We allowed family up within an hour or so after little man was born. I was clutching him for dear life, and did not offer for anyone else to hold him - no one dared ask. He was born at 8pm, no one other than me and my husband held him that night... family who visited the next day were able to hold him, I was ready then.

My sister had a scheduled C-section for her twins, so we were all there in the waiting room. They came and told us when the twins were born, but made us stay in the waiting room while they were all wheeled into recovery. We later got to look at them in the nursery while my sister was being taken care of, then they were taken to her room and we once again waited until she gave us the OK to go see them. Nobody held the babies in the hospital (well, somehow they let my husband who was my fiance at the time.. lucky jerk).

All of this to say - just because people are visiting you in the hospital does NOT mean that they are immediately allowed to hold your baby. I think it's perfectly reasonable if someone asks to simply say "I'm just not ready to hand [her] over yet!" and really.. who cares what they think of that response.

kosmo86 · June 2016

@CRich15 "unlike my mother who still talks at me like I'm a child and hovers" THIS IS MY MOM. I am an only child and this will be her first (and likely only) grandchild. This is why I really just don't even want to tell her. She gets really manic and hyper and I know she would be texting and calling every 20 minutes. We plan to keep our phones on silent but I don't want to look at my phone and see 30 missed calls and 60 texts.

nativetexan512 Glad your MIL is finally getting it!! Hopefully that will make the post delivery communication easier!!

yellowrose314 · June 2016

We've pretty much decided that my mom can stay for as long as she likes. She says she doesn't need to be in the delivery room, she'll stay until it's about time and then she's going home for a rest, so we can have a rest. We only live 15 minutes from the hospital so she'll come back after a few hours, after skin to skin and clean up time. For his side of the family, we've decided we're going to just text them at this point to let them know baby girl is here. Otherwise, they're all (all the ones that live close at least) going to camp out in the waiting room, and some of his siblings can get pretty obnoxious (from what I've seen at other family births). Our hospital L&D waiting room is the main hospital lobby. So they'd be away, but I know they'll be up every half hour wanting to know whats up, and DH doesn't feel like giving them updates, he wants to be with me.
MIL on the other hand... she's stated multiple times that while she knows (finally) that she's not staying with us around due date time, she is going to come down island and stay with a friend for a while around the time I'm due, so she can be close. But she's not getting a call until it's all over either, because otherwise she'll want to be there for EVERYTHING, because she considers herself an expert after having 8 kids (which, fair enough), and has asked if I need a birthing coach... yeah that's DH, not you lady. I have many good friends and classmates who are nurses on our L&D unit and they've let me know I can give a list of who can and can't get information over the phone, but their default is to usually not say anything for confidentiality reasons, even letting people know room numbers, unless then have my permission. Thank God for that. She might get choked, especially since my mom will be there, but we've both decided to just deal with that if it comes to it. She has no personal boundaries, so I have no problem setting some up for our family.

nativetexan512 · June 2016

yellowrose314 MIL as a birthing coach? LOL - kill me.

izzetoot · July 2016

We're having a different debate with the delivery concerning who is going to be with LO. My mom lives about an hour away from the hospital so we asked her if she would come to our house, 20 mins away, to watch him forvthe 3 days we'll be there. I'll be induced about 2 weeks early so we'll know the day and time we need to be there and we know ill stay for 3 nights. We can even schedule to be checked in on a Friday and have the weekend to recover so she won't have to miss work. When we asked her to stay with him she made a face and said she'd rather us bring him to her house and she'll watch him for the 3 days we're in the hospital and bring him back when we get discharged. But we want him to be in the hospital with us at some points, obviously not the whole time, but for a few hours a day at least, which is why we wanted her to come to us. Plus he just started sleeping thorough the night and I know he won't sleep well at her house in a pac n play for 3 days and his sleep schedule will get all screwed up which we've been working on tirelessly to prepare for the newborn. When I told my sister about it she offered to stay at our house w LO and talked to my Dad and he agreed to split up the time with her. So now I have to tell my mom- thanks but no thanks. So awkward bc she was in the room with me for the birth of my first and now she's not involved at all. And last weekend she was telling LO they were going to have a slumber party weekend and I didn't have the heart to tell her plans have changed.

kosmo86 · July 2016

@izzetoot yikes! You are 100% right in your reasoning and you gave her the chance first but I know thats going to be an awkward conversation!!

UnwritteN12 · July 2016

@izzetoot - I don't blame you at all. My parents are the same way. They would always rather watch the kids at their house. They figure that way, when the kids are playing, if they have things to do at home, they can get them done plus they have the comfort of their own home. Forget the fact that all the kids' toys are at our house plus their comfort being important. It's not as big of a deal now that they're older (and my parents have a pool at their house so that keeps the kids entertained) but when they were younger, it drove me up the wall! Good for you for doing what's right for your kiddo!!

Prof=Mom · July 2016

(Trigger Warning)
Has anyone had issues with their MIL not wanting to connect with their baby? We had a loss 2 years ago and were excited about being pregnant again now. When we told my MIL we were expecting she gave us her standard "oh ok then". The exact same statement she gave when we told her about our loss 2 years ago.
Then once we knew the sex snd wanted to share she said she'd rather not know. It was kind of obvious what was happening to me but I didn't know what to say to DH about it.
I'm not sure how to talk to her bc she always has such a robotic response to everything and I realized what's the point of sharing milestones and stuff if she's just tuned out.

OBMommy · July 2016

My MIL and my husband had it out a couple of months ago and tbh our lives have been so much better. I do think she'd like to come see the baby (maybe not, because she's not even said congrats or that she's excited and that was before they fought) so who knows. My hang up is that when I had our last one she gushed all over the doctor about what a great job he did (but nothing about me or the nurses doing a good job) when all he did was literally catch the baby. I'm going to be livid if she comes after months of not speaking to us and does the same thing because she likes to make a show. We live in a very small town and she's politically involved so it's always about what will make her look good. Smh

AnnaS930 · July 2016

MIL is a birthing coach. @yellowrose314 - that sounds like my absolute worst nightmare

RedMar · July 2016

@Prof=Mom that's too bad she's missing out on so much. Has she had losses in the past? That could make her desensitized for sure...

Prof=Mom · July 2016

RedMar said:

@Prof=Mom that's too bad she's missing out on so much. Has she had losses in the past? That could make her desensitized for sure...

I don't know. When her second son was born he needed a blood transfusion. She still doesn't know why to this day. Doing a family medical history has been a nightmare. It's sad that she was even so out of touch with her own babies.

I guess if she did suffer a loss that could be part of it but she's never the type to discuss things like that. But on the other hand you would think she would be more supportive for me and DH.
It's like having half a family for 9 months.

Ampip2270 · July 2016

That dreaded time when you have to tell your in laws that DS#1 can't spend the night at their house tonight and you know they're just going to think it's because your a crazy helicopter mom. DS is 22 mos old and only spent the night away from us 1x because of an out of town wedding. I'm just not comfortable with him being away from us over night yet. He still doesn't STTN and he's just getting over a 3 week long sinus infection and double war ache, not to mention their house is not child proof by any means and they don't have an appropriate place for him to sleep IMO. I know they are going to be pissed, but I just dont love the idea of it.

ivassaq · July 2016

@Ampip2270 don't feel bad! My DD is 3 and we still haven't let her sleep away from us. She's very independent and I'm open to many things but for me, this is something I'm not going to rush until I feel comfortable.

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In-law/Family issues: 3rd Trimester/delivery edition

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