I JUST found out about the 10 week blood test to find out the sex. I am so excited! One more month!
I am sure you already know but the test isn't to find out the sex, it's to screen for serious issues, many times in people who are at an increased risk. (Not always) Depending on your doctor and which test you might have to ask them before to make sure they can tell you the sex.
To piggyback off of this, if you're not at risk and request the test, it may not be covered under your insurance.
Is it a jerk move to find out the sex but not share it, presuming your reasons are non-gift related? We'll probably buy all the practical stuff well before the shower if I'm even offered one, so I'm happy to get clothes. I just fear all the reactions and projections that people will put on this baby even before its born. If it's a girl, for example, MIL is going to lose her mind about "finally getting her little girl." There has been advance warning of this. We're also going to do a New England ocean nursery (think whales and dolphins and lobsters) regardless of sex, and I don't want to deal with "isn't that a boy theme?"
On the flip side, if it's a boy I know everyone will be high-fiving H and giving me sympathy looks, when really neither of us could care less. Finally, it seems like a compromise between H's super strong desire to know, and my less-strong preference not to.
Thoughts?
In my opinion, I don't think it's a jerk move. Your child, your rules.
With that said, I think if you intend to know the sex and not disclose it, it may be best to keep the front that you don't know at all. This would purely be to just keep the peace because if your family knows you know, you'll likely be harassed about it and that'll get old fast.
@Xstatic3333 I can see why you don't want to tell peope you know the sex. You don't want their projections and negative reactions right? I can respect if you chose to do just that. I'm gonna play devils advocate though.
Will their reactions and projections be any different once the baby is here? Won't people still comment on the nursery, high five your husband, give you crap about a "crazy boy" or smother love onto the little girl? Inevitably it's going to happen. I guess its just when you chose to let it. Would it be easier to have it happen during pregnancy and speak with them about your feelings on that? Or would it be better to have them find out once the little one is here and you fight the battle when you're holding a LO? It's up to you for sure, I just don't think delaying telling them will change their reactions at all.
4/15--TTC #1 12/15--IF testing 3/16--Dx Unexplained IF Clomid + Ovidrel + IUI + Progesterone cycle Cancelled due to cysts. Started 3 weeks of BCP. 4/16--Cute Ute! Clomid+Ovidrel+IUI+Progesterone TI. Cancelled-no response 5/16--Hemmorhagic cyst and other cyst discovered. No medicated cycle. MRI scheduled to rule out septate uterus. 6/16--Septum discovered. Consultation for surgery. Surprise BFP 6/8/16--EDD 2/13/17 Kole David--1.7.17--Tiny but Mighty, born at 34+5 after HELLP syndrome Chart Stalk Me
@Xstatic3333 I can see why you don't want to tell peope you know the sex. You don't want their projections and negative reactions right? I can respect if you chose to do just that. I'm gonna play devils advocate though.
Will their reactions and projections be any different once the baby is here? Won't people still comment on the nursery, high five your husband, give you crap about a "crazy boy" or smother love onto the little girl? Inevitably it's going to happen. I guess its just when you chose to let it. Would it be easier to have it happen during pregnancy and speak with them about your feelings on that? Or would it be better to have them find out once the little one is here and you fight the battle when you're holding a LO? It's up to you for sure, I just don't think delaying telling them will change their reactions at all.
You bring up a good point that's worth thinking about. We're definitely not wedded to this idea yet, just pondering. I do think some of the things I'm worried about will be better once there is a child in-hand to love, especially the nursery part. Overall I'm not a big fan of the gendered expectations our society puts on children, as you can probably tell, but it's something I'll need to learn to deal with as a parent.
@Xstatic3333 I can see why you don't want to tell peope you know the sex. You don't want their projections and negative reactions right? I can respect if you chose to do just that. I'm gonna play devils advocate though.
Will their reactions and projections be any different once the baby is here? Won't people still comment on the nursery, high five your husband, give you crap about a "crazy boy" or smother love onto the little girl? Inevitably it's going to happen. I guess its just when you chose to let it. Would it be easier to have it happen during pregnancy and speak with them about your feelings on that? Or would it be better to have them find out once the little one is here and you fight the battle when you're holding a LO? It's up to you for sure, I just don't think delaying telling them will change their reactions at all.
You bring up a good point that's worth thinking about. We're definitely not wedded to this idea yet, just pondering. I do think some of the things I'm worried about will be better once there is a child in-hand to love, especially the nursery part. Overall I'm not a big fan of the gendered expectations our society puts on children, as you can probably tell, but it's something I'll need to learn to deal with as a parent.
Maybe it's a matter of finding a good way to project what you think about sex expectations in society and how you would prefer to let your child be the guide for their own life. Not sure how you want to phrase it, but I hope you know what I'm saying.
4/15--TTC #1 12/15--IF testing 3/16--Dx Unexplained IF Clomid + Ovidrel + IUI + Progesterone cycle Cancelled due to cysts. Started 3 weeks of BCP. 4/16--Cute Ute! Clomid+Ovidrel+IUI+Progesterone TI. Cancelled-no response 5/16--Hemmorhagic cyst and other cyst discovered. No medicated cycle. MRI scheduled to rule out septate uterus. 6/16--Septum discovered. Consultation for surgery. Surprise BFP 6/8/16--EDD 2/13/17 Kole David--1.7.17--Tiny but Mighty, born at 34+5 after HELLP syndrome Chart Stalk Me
Is it a jerk move to find out the sex but not share it, presuming your reasons are non-gift related? We'll probably buy all the practical stuff well before the shower if I'm even offered one, so I'm happy to get clothes. I just fear all the reactions and projections that people will put on this baby even before its born. If it's a girl, for example, MIL is going to lose her mind about "finally getting her little girl." There has been advance warning of this. We're also going to do a New England ocean nursery (think whales and dolphins and lobsters) regardless of sex, and I don't want to deal with "isn't that a boy theme?"
On the flip side, if it's a boy I know everyone will be high-fiving H and giving me sympathy looks, when really neither of us could care less. Finally, it seems like a compromise between H's super strong desire to know, and my less-strong preference not to.
Thoughts?
As someone else said, your uterus your rules, your baby your rules, or something like that. I didn't share the sex last time except with very close family that I trusted to have the right reaction i.e. the reaction that I wanted that would be positive and nourishing to me. Because I am selfish/controlling like that, sorry not sorry.
I know from lurking the June15 and July15 boards that there were tons of massively inappropriate reactions by family members of the type you mention - and the moms who shared were so disappointed and hurt that they regretted their decision to share (or sometimes it was a slip up by DH). My read was that it created unnecessary stress that lasted through what is a very delicate time where you are preparing for the future and ruminating in all the what ifs. I think it is perfectly alright to have your little secret and make the decisions for your growing family without the background noise of the relatives. They will know soon enough when the baby is here.
@Xstatic3333 I can see why you don't want to tell peope you know the sex. You don't want their projections and negative reactions right? I can respect if you chose to do just that. I'm gonna play devils advocate though.
Will their reactions and projections be any different once the baby is here? Won't people still comment on the nursery, high five your husband, give you crap about a "crazy boy" or smother love onto the little girl? Inevitably it's going to happen. I guess its just when you chose to let it. Would it be easier to have it happen during pregnancy and speak with them about your feelings on that? Or would it be better to have them find out once the little one is here and you fight the battle when you're holding a LO? It's up to you for sure, I just don't think delaying telling them will change their reactions at all.
You bring up a good point that's worth thinking about. We're definitely not wedded to this idea yet, just pondering. I do think some of the things I'm worried about will be better once there is a child in-hand to love, especially the nursery part. Overall I'm not a big fan of the gendered expectations our society puts on children, as you can probably tell, but it's something I'll need to learn to deal with as a parent.
Maybe it's a matter of finding a good way to project what you think about sex expectations in society and how you would prefer to let your child be the guide for their own life. Not sure how you want to phrase it, but I hope you know what I'm saying.
I actually think you phrased it very well! If I end up with a 3 year old who is all pink and princesses by choice, that's great! I just want it to be her (or his!) choice, not preordained.
@Xstatic3333 When my SIL was pregnant she didn't want to know but her husband did, so he found out and she didn't and he couldn't tell anyone. Around her due date he went and bought a few special things that were sex specific. All the family knew that he knew and she didn't and that bugged a lot of us. We didn't mind not knowing if no one knew but he would rub it in everyone's faces and my SIL didn't care. Of course we all went along with it and we were happy for them but it was a very odd way to do things.
I tell you this to say you can decide to do it whatever way you want. But unfortunately you can't tell what anyone's reactions will be. Like PP said, some reactions will be the same whether they happen at 20 weeks or after baby arrives. Sometimes the reactions will surprise you and sometimes the initial reactions will be hidden and they are happy because there is a new baby on the way.
If I were thinking of going that route, I would either a) neither of us would find out or b) if we wanted to know I wouldn't tell the family anyone knew. But that's just my opinion.
Is it a jerk move to find out the sex but not share it, presuming your reasons are non-gift related? We'll probably buy all the practical stuff well before the shower if I'm even offered one, so I'm happy to get clothes. I just fear all the reactions and projections that people will put on this baby even before its born. If it's a girl, for example, MIL is going to lose her mind about "finally getting her little girl." There has been advance warning of this. We're also going to do a New England ocean nursery (think whales and dolphins and lobsters) regardless of sex, and I don't want to deal with "isn't that a boy theme?"
On the flip side, if it's a boy I know everyone will be high-fiving H and giving me sympathy looks, when really neither of us could care less. Finally, it seems like a compromise between H's super strong desire to know, and my less-strong preference not to.
Thoughts?
I am glad you asked that because I've been feeling very greedy and protective this pregnancy. I made the mistake of telling a couple people that we were going to "try" and as soon as I did, all they do when I see them is say are you pregnant yet. Ugh so I quickly decided to back out and quit talking about it. We used to tell everyone everything the second we got any news (we are on 3rd) but I never got to enjoy it myself before the constant harassment and questioning. My mil rushes everything. In fact with our first she bought baby food and a baby spoon to try to get us to feed son before we were ready just so she could take pictures at her house and then show them off. We didn't even buy food yet for him. This time husband doesn't understand why I don't want anyone to know yet, but he says it's my world he's just living in it (Jason Aldean song) lol. I want to keep everything hush hush so I can just relax and enjoy it. Our reasons may not be the exact same but I completely appreciate the fact that you want to keep it secret for as long as you want.
@becbec28 I thought about doing this also because I'd like to be surprised but husband wants to know. Problem is I'm afraid he will 1. Tell people, which I don't want others to know if I don't know or 2. Pull a Ben from knocked up and ruin it for me in a jerk way. Lol I can understand why it's frustrating though cause my sister chose to not know so it drove me crazy the whole time but once she delivered I got a msg saying it was a girl... poor baby wore green and yellow forever haha but strangers had to ask "what is it?" And it drove her crazy Lol it was funny from the outside.
@becbec28 that sounds obnoxious! There's no way I could have H know and me not, or that we would rub it in family's faces. In general I don't think I could lie about knowing, though. I hate lying. I would certainly be polite and low-key about it. Blah. Who knows what we'll end up doing.
Re: Sex...if the tiny growing humans
Big Bro 7/14/13
Little Bro 2/6/17
With that said, I think if you intend to know the sex and not disclose it, it may be best to keep the front that you don't know at all. This would purely be to just keep the peace because if your family knows you know, you'll likely be harassed about it and that'll get old fast.
Big Bro 7/14/13
Little Bro 2/6/17
Will their reactions and projections be any different once the baby is here? Won't people still comment on the nursery, high five your husband, give you crap about a "crazy boy" or smother love onto the little girl? Inevitably it's going to happen. I guess its just when you chose to let it. Would it be easier to have it happen during pregnancy and speak with them about your feelings on that? Or would it be better to have them find out once the little one is here and you fight the battle when you're holding a LO? It's up to you for sure, I just don't think delaying telling them will change their reactions at all.
Married 6.22.13
Hoping for a Herd Linky
12/15--IF testing
3/16--Dx Unexplained IF
Clomid + Ovidrel + IUI + Progesterone cycle
Cancelled due to cysts. Started 3 weeks of BCP.
4/16--Cute Ute! Clomid+Ovidrel+IUI+Progesterone TI.
Cancelled-no response
5/16--Hemmorhagic cyst and other cyst discovered.
No medicated cycle. MRI scheduled to rule out
septate uterus.
6/16--Septum discovered. Consultation for surgery.
Surprise BFP 6/8/16--EDD 2/13/17
Kole David--1.7.17--Tiny but Mighty, born at 34+5 after HELLP syndrome
Chart Stalk Me
Married 6.22.13
Hoping for a Herd Linky
12/15--IF testing
3/16--Dx Unexplained IF
Clomid + Ovidrel + IUI + Progesterone cycle
Cancelled due to cysts. Started 3 weeks of BCP.
4/16--Cute Ute! Clomid+Ovidrel+IUI+Progesterone TI.
Cancelled-no response
5/16--Hemmorhagic cyst and other cyst discovered.
No medicated cycle. MRI scheduled to rule out
septate uterus.
6/16--Septum discovered. Consultation for surgery.
Surprise BFP 6/8/16--EDD 2/13/17
Kole David--1.7.17--Tiny but Mighty, born at 34+5 after HELLP syndrome
Chart Stalk Me
ET 9/10 - transferred 1 perfect 5AA blast
7dp5dt BFP ~~ Beta on 9/19 - 77.4 Beta #2 on 9/21 - 357
Low heartbeat on 10/7 86, lower heartbeat on 10/11 76, no heartbeat 10/14/13. D&C 10/15/13
Tests revealed MTHFR c677t mutation, put on Folgard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FET #1 1/6/14 - 4BB blast - BFN
I know from lurking the June15 and July15 boards that there were tons of massively inappropriate reactions by family members of the type you mention - and the moms who shared were so disappointed and hurt that they regretted their decision to share (or sometimes it was a slip up by DH). My read was that it created unnecessary stress that lasted through what is a very delicate time where you are preparing for the future and ruminating in all the what ifs. I think it is perfectly alright to have your little secret and make the decisions for your growing family without the background noise of the relatives. They will know soon enough when the baby is here.
@Xstatic3333 When my SIL was pregnant she didn't want to know but her husband did, so he found out and she didn't and he couldn't tell anyone. Around her due date he went and bought a few special things that were sex specific. All the family knew that he knew and she didn't and that bugged a lot of us. We didn't mind not knowing if no one knew but he would rub it in everyone's faces and my SIL didn't care. Of course we all went along with it and we were happy for them but it was a very odd way to do things.
I tell you this to say you can decide to do it whatever way you want. But unfortunately you can't tell what anyone's reactions will be. Like PP said, some reactions will be the same whether they happen at 20 weeks or after baby arrives. Sometimes the reactions will surprise you and sometimes the initial reactions will be hidden and they are happy because there is a new baby on the way.
If I were thinking of going that route, I would either a) neither of us would find out or b) if we wanted to know I wouldn't tell the family anyone knew. But that's just my opinion.
Married: 9/2013
Love my LEO!!
TTC #1: 9/2015
BFP: 2/1/16 MC 2/8/16 @ 5wks
BFP: 5/22/16 RAINBOW BABY
EDD: 1/30/2017 *IT'S A GIRL!!!!*
Kirsten Grace 1/20/17
@becbec28
I thought about doing this also because I'd like to be surprised but husband wants to know. Problem is I'm afraid he will 1. Tell people, which I don't want others to know if I don't know or 2. Pull a Ben from knocked up and ruin it for me in a jerk way. Lol I can understand why it's frustrating though cause my sister chose to not know so it drove me crazy the whole time but once she delivered I got a msg saying it was a girl... poor baby wore green and yellow forever haha but strangers had to ask "what is it?" And it drove her crazy Lol it was funny from the outside.
Married: 9/2013
Love my LEO!!
TTC #1: 9/2015
BFP: 2/1/16 MC 2/8/16 @ 5wks
BFP: 5/22/16 RAINBOW BABY
EDD: 1/30/2017 *IT'S A GIRL!!!!*
Kirsten Grace 1/20/17