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April 2016 Moms
loveymay
member
How do you divide up/share baby duties?
loveymay
member
DH and I just had a disagreement, mostly because I feel like Im doing most of the baby care. And I dont mean just changing diapers, feeding etc. Im home on maternity leave so naturally most of the work falls on me, but I mean things like deciding to get baby on a schedule/routine, making sue he gets enough sleep, is eating the right amounts. That was really what the argument was about. I spend time during the day looking up how much sleep LO should be averaging, how much formula should he be eating at this age, how to get baby on a schedule, etc. i want DH to take more initiative iinstead of just saying okay when I explain how I am going to put baby on a schedule. Anyway, this led me to thinking that Im feeling so much resent,ent towards DH because Im always exhausted, so Im lashing out more. I do all of the night feedings during the week. LO usually gets up 2 times (around midnight-1:00ish and again between 3-5) the. He js up cor the day around 7. I thought it was fair for me to get up all night and let DH sleep since Im home during the day. But Im also "working" during the day, Im feeding LO, changing him, playing with him, trying to establish a routine, etc. and its exhausting! I dont think it's ridiculous to expect DH to get up for one of the night.y feedings, because its not like Im lounging at a resort during the day while he is at work. Im not going to change things now, because he is a teacher and will be on summer break starting next week. Also I go back to work at the end of June, and I work night shift 11p-7a five nights a week, and DH will be doing nights with baby solo (insert evil laugh here). So Im must curious
Re: How do you divide up/share baby duties?
I do all the night feedings, and run my company from home during the day. He works, but he wakes up and walks the dogs, starts loads of laundry, makes me coffee if I'm awake, and begins the morning routine for us. When he's off, he knows it's my break time. The evenings when he gets home from work, we're both kind of rattled (I'm wanting relief from the baby, he wants an hour or so to just relax before jumping into a new task), so we switch off on those.
The most important thing I have found that I can do is to focus on making myself feel well-rested, socially satisfied (calling friends, asking them to meet for a quick coffee or lunch with baby), and happy. Otherwise my bitterness at being a slave to the baby, while ALSO working from home, easily begins to overwhelm me and make me feel bitter that my husband just gets to leave the chaos every morning. Remember to prioritize you as much as possible, your anger at him WILL pile up if you don't!
Even though DH did his medical training in Peds, he defers to me regarding care of the kids. I think he trusts my mommy judgment and knows I would only do what I thought was right for our kids. There have only been a handful of times that he has had a different opinion.
Sorry this has become a rant. I just needed to vent and talk it out.
During those 4 m.5 days, SO does most of the baby care asides from nursing. He plays with the baby, soothes the baby and changes almost all the diapers. When he's with the baby, I clean and make food cause I'm so much better at it. From about 1-9 am, it's unfortunately all me. SO sleeps like a log and by the time I wake him to change a diaper, I would already have nursed, burped and put LO to sleep. Because I'm already up anyways to BF, I'm not too fussed about this.
I know that the responsibility is heavily weighted towards me but I've always known that this would be the case.
The baby stuff falls more on me but that makes the most sense and it's obvious DH loves and misses her when he's gone and puts in a lot of effort when he's home.
When he is home, we sort of alternate diapers or whoever is closest takes care of it. We have fairly traditional gender roles in our house, so I do laundry/groceries during the day while he is at work. We have discussions about how to raise DD and big decisions are shared equally.
I would make sure your H knows you are frustrated before you start to really resent him and the baby. It may be a matter of just having a frank conversation (when you aren't upset) about what you would like to see and how you want your family to operate.
Could you and DH work out a schedule of some sorts?
DH works and since I'm on maternity leave until June 1st baby is kinda my job so it is what it is.
I EBF anyway so there's not much he can do to help me.
sometimes he watches her so I can shower and what not at night for a bit but that's about it as crappy as it is
edit:
also im jealous of those of you who ar able to nap.. I haven't had a nap since before she was born and I get about 5 hours or so of sleep at night #jealous
On the days/nights that he IS home, he is incredibly helpful. He will keep her out in the living room and just wake me to feed her. I feel like our responsibility division is fair, given that I currently EBF. When I go back to work, he will be keeping her home on his days off. I work a normal 8-5 M-F schedule. Being on maternity leave, this is the most time that I've gotten to spend with him since we were in college, since we work opposite days and hours. The house is in a bit of disarray, but we generally divide responsibilities and things get done.
This go round, with twins, it's a whole new ball game. I pump and then we each feed and change one of them at night. He works from home, so during the day I usually try to feed and change them both, but one of them has been projectile vomiting, requiring more burping and attention, so he has been helping with feeding the other during the day as well. I am so thankful that he's so helpful.
However, when push comes to shove, do you believe he would REALLY leave you to take your baby to the ER in the middle of the night alone? If the answer is no, maybe don't waste your energy posing theoretical questions, which end with you feeling miserable.