How do you divide up/share baby duties?

loveymay

DH and I just had a disagreement, mostly because I feel like Im doing most of the baby care. And I dont mean just changing diapers, feeding etc. Im home on maternity leave so naturally most of the work falls on me, but I mean things like deciding to get baby on a schedule/routine, making sue he gets enough sleep, is eating the right amounts. That was really what the argument was about. I spend time during the day looking up how much sleep LO should be averaging, how much formula should he be eating at this age, how to get baby on a schedule, etc. i want DH to take more initiative iinstead of just saying okay when I explain how I am going to put baby on a schedule. Anyway, this led me to thinking that Im feeling so much resent,ent towards DH because Im always exhausted, so Im lashing out more. I do all of the night feedings during the week. LO usually gets up 2 times (around midnight-1:00ish and again between 3-5) the. He js up cor the day around 7. I thought it was fair for me to get up all night and let DH sleep since Im home during the day. But Im also "working" during the day, Im feeding LO, changing him, playing with him, trying to establish a routine, etc. and its exhausting! I dont think it's ridiculous to expect DH to get up for one of the night.y feedings, because its not like Im lounging at a resort during the day while he is at work. Im not going to change things now, because he is a teacher and will be on summer break starting next week. Also I go back to work at the end of June, and I work night shift 11p-7a five nights a week, and DH will be doing nights with baby solo (insert evil laugh here). So Im must curious

loveymay

Ok it wont let me edit to finish my post. Im just curious: how do you and your SO split nights and other baby duties? If you are nursing, does your SO change diapers or put baby back to bed? (We are FF baby).

loveymay

I guess what Im wanting from DH is for him to "read the baby books." (Knocked Up reference). Maybe its just how men and women differ, that the mom tends to take the lead in all things baby and the dads just do what mom says. Maybe when our roles reverse in June, when Im at work full time and he is home all day/night with baby, maybe he will take the lead more.

Missingchampagne

I think I would have a better chance of sprouting wings and learning to fly than getting my husband to take the type of initiative that you're talking about (i.e. reading the baby books). That's not in his character, and to expect a change and expect him to be that type of person now would be unfair to both of us since it would cause tension in our relationship. 

I do all the night feedings, and run my company from home during the day. He works, but he wakes up and walks the dogs, starts loads of laundry, makes me coffee if I'm awake, and begins the morning routine for us. When he's off, he knows it's my break time. The evenings when he gets home from work, we're both kind of rattled (I'm wanting relief from the baby, he wants an hour or so to just relax before jumping into a new task), so we switch off on those.

The most important thing I have found that I can do is to focus on making myself feel well-rested, socially satisfied (calling friends, asking them to meet for a quick coffee or lunch with baby), and happy. Otherwise my bitterness at being a slave to the baby, while ALSO working from home, easily begins to overwhelm me and make me feel bitter that my husband just gets to leave the chaos every morning. Remember to prioritize you as much as possible, your anger at him WILL pile up if you don't!

momofmanyinthemitten

I SAH and ebf. I do almost everything for baby. It's the way we've done it since baby #1. With #1, I used to get resentful, and even with baby #2 in the beginning. However, now he has to get up with the older kids at night. Last night, DD1 was up once, DS1 was up once, and DD2 was up twice. Baby was up twice (albeit one of those times was for over an hour). The night time workload is evening out now. 
Even though DH did his medical training in Peds, he defers to me regarding care of the kids. I think he trusts my mommy judgment and knows I would only do what I thought was right for our kids. There have only been a handful of times that he has had a different opinion.

kdrn913

I feel you her! My husband wants to sleep train our 6 week old with this book his sister used, yet he hasn't read the book so has no clue how that's gonna happen. I also work nightshift (7p-7a) and am going back to work the end of June. I definitely think we need to have some sort of routine down by then but I'm not a big fan of this book. I also sometimes wish my husband would participate in decision making for her but I think he leaves it up to me because I'm a nurse (doesn't mean I know what I'm doing). At night right now usually I just get up with her, when she is up for good in the morning he will change her and bring her in to eat but that's about it. Usually he is just snoring away when I get up with her! 

loveymay

Its not that Im trying to change DH, we've always both contributed to the relationship equally, and it felt like a team. It doesnt feel that way to me now. Just because Im a woman doesnt mean I know what Im doing, this is as new to me as it is to him. When I talk to him about baby stuff, Im wanting him to contribute his ideas/opinions or even admit that he is stumped and help me figure out a solution. Tonight I told him I was concerned about how much LO is eating. I feel like he is eating more than he should, his pedi recommended less, Dr. Google tells me less, here on the bump I read that most babies are eating less than mine. So after I say all that, he responds by asking do I want to watch a show. That made me angry because it made me feel like he doesnt take it seriously, that he isnt concerned. Thats what started the argument. Basically Im a little scared because raising a little human is hard and I dont want to mess it up. i love LO and want to make sure Im doing things right, and I want a teammate, not someone to just go along with everything I say. 

Sorry this has become a rant. I just needed to vent and talk it out. 

kdrn913

Pretty much exactly how I feel right now too. Being at home on maternity leave I am constantly concerned about things and when I try to talk to him he usually just says oh, or changes the subject. Been pretty frustrating 

UnbreakableKimmySchmidt

The nights...I dread them...DH is back to work and I'm BF so I am up 99% of the time with the baby.  He has been putting her to bed around 10/10:30 (sometimes earlier or later) and then getting up with her maybe once if I'm desperate...ie.  baby does not like to sleep, so my tiredness and frustration starts to build around 4 a.m.!

Missingchampagne

loveymay said:

Its not that Im trying to change DH, we've always both contributed to the relationship equally, and it felt like a team. It doesnt feel that way to me now. Just because Im a woman doesnt mean I know what Im doing, this is as new to me as it is to him. When I talk to him about baby stuff, Im wanting him to contribute his ideas/opinions or even admit that he is stumped and help me figure out a solution. Tonight I told him I was concerned about how much LO is eating. I feel like he is eating more than he should, his pedi recommended less, Dr. Google tells me less, here on the bump I read that most babies are eating less than mine. So after I say all that, he responds by asking do I want to watch a show. That made me angry because it made me feel like he doesnt take it seriously, that he isnt concerned. Thats what started the argument. Basically Im a little scared because raising a little human is hard and I dont want to mess it up. i love LO and want to make sure Im doing things right, and I want a teammate, not someone to just go along with everything I say. 

Sorry this has become a rant. I just needed to vent and talk it out. 

It makes sense to want him to at least care, even if he trusts you to make the "final call". He should check in to the conversation, just out of respect for you and the fact that this is obviously important enough to you that you brought it up. I think sometimes men want to change our channel from "baby" to "anything else" because that's all they've heard since we were pregnant...

redselig

I definitely bear the brunt of the responsibility. My expectations for SO regarding the baby were so low that I've been pleasantly surprised. He has read some books and is constantly looking stuff up on the Internet. We also have an alternative living arrangement since I am also alone with the baby 2.5 days per week (SO works and maintains residence in a different country). Being alone with the baby in the beginning was so tough but it's so much better now that I'm becoming more confident. When SO is with me for the remaining 4.5 days, he's a full time dad.

During those 4 m.5 days, SO does most of the baby care asides from nursing. He plays with the baby, soothes the baby and changes almost all the diapers. When he's with the baby, I clean and make food cause I'm so much better at it. From about 1-9 am, it's unfortunately all me. SO sleeps like a log and by the time I wake him to change a diaper, I would already have nursed, burped and put LO to sleep. Because I'm already up anyways to BF, I'm not too fussed about this.

I know that the responsibility is heavily weighted towards me but I've always known that this would be the case. 

redselig

@loveymay I could see why you would be miffed by the lack of contribution of ideas and opinions. I think he just trusts you and is happy to go along with whatever you decide. Make it clear to him that you would like him to do a little research on things you are both concerned about. That way you can evaluate together how best to approach anything of question. 

WBORDERS

DH does the two MOTN feedings/diaper changes/getting back to sleep routine while I pump. It's nice because I can sleep while he stays up with the baby. The downside to this is that while I'm up with the baby during the day, DH is asleep to make up for the overnights. It gets kinda lonely and we don't get to have conversations much. I feel the same way sometimes about contributing to the discussions about LO and parenting. I try to remember that when LO is older and our parenting philosophies start to clash that I will be wishing he didn't have an opinion! I hope you can find a way to work through it and create some balance. I asked a close friend for parenting advice when I was pregnant and she told me that having a baby will change your life in every way but it will change your marriage the most. So far I agree with that and I can see how a new baby really makes you work to maintain your marriage and create a new normal. 

shawnacrest

My fiancé loves LO more than anything, but I know he's busy working and I'm staying at home. He's changed a total of three diapers and has never gotten up with him during the night. He will hold him while I shower and get ready for the day and then when he gets home and the baby is in a good mood. I feel overwhelmed every once in a while, but I love seeing him interact with his son without being stressed and don't feel he'd take to any extra responsibility well at the moment.

nikkinbonnie

I feel blessed that the work load is not a problem for me. I do all the night time stuff because I am EBF and my DH gets up early for work and has never done well on lack of sleep. I don't mind this at all. In my mind it doesn't make sense for both of us to be sleep deprived. DH takes her the minute he gets home from work and does all the diaper changes whenever he is at home. He does the night time routine and goes out of his way to make sure I take naps on his days off. We have always divided house resoonsibilities equally and based on what makes the most sense. 

The baby stuff falls more on me but that makes the most sense and it's obvious DH loves and misses her when he's gone and puts in a lot of effort when he's home. 

wildtot

This might turn into a vent so sorry...DH better get it in his head that he needs to help regardless of work. Yes right now I am home till July and he goes back in two weeks so there will be some time to adjust. But we both work full time and more. Yet I will be in charge of daycare drop off and pick up, dinner, and all LO related stuff until he gets home hours later. I don't think it's fair to give him the free pass at night. I have a hard time already pumping every 3-4 hours and having to feed him and change him at night. LO is very hard to put back to sleep. I end up being up 2 hours. DH just hears me struggling half the time and doesn't offer to help till I get frustrated. Last night DH started with a bad toothache and couldn't sleep till about midnight. Fine I took all LO duties  till about 530 this morning to let him sleep. At 6 am I ask him to feed him. He does but not the right way (no burping, hardly any breaks, and not reclined). All this of course leads to a load of spilling up. LO keeps crying so I say he should probably check the diaper-nope he doesn't. So I end up changing a poopy diaper. I go to pump and DH gets mad at me for not giving him a burp cloth (it was right above him). All this is not necessarily or fair. DH needs to pitch in more. We both participated in making him therefore we both have responsibilities despite work. Our shift conversation that we both agreed on needs more enforcement. This is probably why I have anxiety while I pump. My two cents and my vent is now over.

sarahufl

I am a SAHM and H works full time while also commuting around an hour each way. He stayed home with us for the first 4 weeks (DD is 6.5 weeks old). To be fair, she is a ridiculously easy baby, so I don't feel burdened with her care. I EBF, so nights are my job. However, if she is unusually upset (which she was last night) H will get out of bed and see if I need anything. But for the most part, since I EBF, there is little he can do for us. He is great with comforting her, though- so it can be really helpful.

When he is home, we sort of alternate diapers or whoever is closest takes care of it. We have fairly traditional gender roles in our house, so I do laundry/groceries during the day while he is at work. We have discussions about how to raise DD and big decisions are shared equally.

I would make sure your H knows you are frustrated before you start to really resent him and the baby. It may be a matter of just having a frank conversation (when you aren't upset) about what you would like to see and how you want your family to operate.  

kimey1

I'm a SAHM for the next few months and DH works from home. I'm an early bird and he's a night owl so we had agreed that I'd be the day shift and he'd be the evening and night shift. So far it's been working out so that I get my sleep at night and he gets his sleep in the mornings till he starts his day. He's helpful from time to time during the afternoon and evenings when I can't get DD to burp or when I need to run an errand or take a shower. I think it may be easier since I'm not EBFing. I always leave pumped milk before bed and he'll supplement with formula as needed. 
Could you and DH work out a schedule of some sorts?

jonesl12

I'm the only one that gets up 3-4 times a night. I'm also the only one who changes diapers.
DH works and since I'm on maternity leave until June 1st baby is kinda my job so it is what it is.
I EBF anyway so there's not much he can do to help me.
sometimes he watches her so I can shower and what not at night for a bit but that's about it as crappy as it is

edit:
also im jealous of those of you who ar able to nap.. I haven't had a nap since before she was born and I get about 5 hours or so of sleep at night #jealous

cmjenkies

DH works 5P-3A Fri-Mon and then sleeps until at least noon on most of those days, so the care of both kiddos falls on me. He's a miserable person to be around when he doesn't sleep, so I'd just assume it be that way. I generally dislike his work schedule because he misses out on a lot of family/holiday events due to his job (supervisor/dealer at a casino).

On the days/nights that he IS home, he is incredibly helpful. He will keep her out in the living room and just wake me to feed her. I feel like our responsibility division is fair, given that I currently EBF. When I go back to work, he will be keeping her home on his days off. I work a normal 8-5 M-F schedule. Being on maternity leave, this is the most time that I've gotten to spend with him since we were in college, since we work opposite days and hours. The house is in a bit of disarray, but we generally divide responsibilities and things get done.

MrsCayEye

I do the night time wake ups since I am BFing. DH got up to change diapers and give me the baby in bed the first few days we were home when I was still sore from the RCS. He's taken over a big portion of DS' night time routine and he cleans up the playroom and kitchen after we get DS to bed and I take DD up to cluster feed and go to sleep. This time has worked out really well, it took us a little longer to find our groove the first time. 

SaVy_05

With our 3yo, I did just about everything (ebf), I felt that it was usually pointless to wake up dh just to change her diaper when i was already up feeding her at night, during the day he usually offered to change her. 
This go round, with twins, it's a whole new ball game. I pump and then we each feed and change one of them at night. He works from home, so during the day I usually try to feed and change them both, but one of them has been projectile vomiting, requiring more burping and attention, so he has been helping with feeding the other during the day as well. I am so thankful that he's so helpful. 

redselig

SaVy_05 said:

With our 3yo, I did just about everything (ebf), I felt that it was usually pointless to wake up dh just to change her diaper when i was already up feeding her at night, during the day he usually offered to change her. 
This go round, with twins, it's a whole new ball game. I pump and then we each feed and change one of them at night. He works from home, so during the day I usually try to feed and change them both, but one of them has been projectile vomiting, requiring more burping and attention, so he has been helping with feeding the other during the day as well. I am so thankful that he's so helpful. 

My goodness, my hands are full being responsible for one baby -- I couldn't imagine twins.  

SaVy_05

redselig said:

SaVy_05 said:

With our 3yo, I did just about everything (ebf), I felt that it was usually pointless to wake up dh just to change her diaper when i was already up feeding her at night, during the day he usually offered to change her. 
This go round, with twins, it's a whole new ball game. I pump and then we each feed and change one of them at night. He works from home, so during the day I usually try to feed and change them both, but one of them has been projectile vomiting, requiring more burping and attention, so he has been helping with feeding the other during the day as well. I am so thankful that he's so helpful. 

My goodness, my hands are full being responsible for one baby -- I couldn't imagine twins.  

It's actually not as bad as I imagined, we've kept them on the exact same schedule so everything is done at once for both of them making it much easier. We hated them being in NICU, but it was a lifesaver on getting them on the same schedule. Having a helpful husband makes a big difference as well. Big sis is great at grabbing diapers and wipes etc too!

klingonboxer

I'm back to work as of about ten days ago (part time - I work 3-7pm weekdays and 9am-7pm Saturdays) and my husband is a teacher so he gets home crazy early, so I pass the baby to him and go to work on weekdays. I'm breastfeeding and pumping for when I'm gone, so I do all the night feedings, but usually my husband will do one of the night diapers to give me a little break. It's working out better than I expected! Luckily I have been really successful at pumping (I get 10-12 oz a session) so we're able to have me away that much.

korpatch

How about this one... I don't know if it's wrong that I'm upset... I don't think so... I don't know. Our baby boy has a cold. He had a fever of 100.9 this afternoon and went to the pediatrician. He is 7 weeks old. The fever regulated itself, however they said to monitor him and if it goes back up again to take him to the children's ER. I asked my husband if it happened in the middle of the night if he'd want to come and he responded, "I mean... I'd want to... But, I don't know... Let me think." I kind of posed the question because I've been having doubts about his commitment to being a parent. For me it's 24/7 in it up to my eyeballs. For him, he just hangs around the baby on weekend and evenings, doing the occasional diaper change and so on... But rarely holding or cuddling, or playing, or bonding... So his answer sorta rubbed me the wrong way.

sarahufl

korpatch said:

How about this one... I don't know if it's wrong that I'm upset... I don't think so... I don't know. Our baby boy has a cold. He had a fever of 100.9 this afternoon and went to the pediatrician. He is 7 weeks old. The fever regulated itself, however they said to monitor him and if it goes back up again to take him to the children's ER. I asked my husband if it happened in the middle of the night if he'd want to come and he responded, "I mean... I'd want to... But, I don't know... Let me think." I kind of posed the question because I've been having doubts about his commitment to being a parent. For me it's 24/7 in it up to my eyeballs. For him, he just hangs around the baby on weekend and evenings, doing the occasional diaper change and so on... But rarely holding or cuddling, or playing, or bonding... So his answer sorta rubbed me the wrong way.

I would be furious. You aren't wrong to be upset.

mumidi

I'm breastfeeding and take all the night feedings.  It just doesn't make sense for him to get up to help.  But he usually takes him in the evening during his fussy time and helps calm him.

Missingchampagne

@korpatch Yikes, that's rough. I can see my husband having a similar foot in mouth situation though. He's the type that would say "I would want to, but if I have work the next day and it's 4am, I don't think I should be the one going" ... His logic-minded way of thinking just takes over instead of his fatherly, nurturing side.

However, when push comes to shove, do you believe he would REALLY leave you to take your baby to the ER in the middle of the night alone? If the answer is no, maybe don't waste your energy posing theoretical questions, which end with you feeling miserable.

AGK2015

korpatch said:

How about this one... I don't know if it's wrong that I'm upset... I don't think so... I don't know. Our baby boy has a cold. He had a fever of 100.9 this afternoon and went to the pediatrician. He is 7 weeks old. The fever regulated itself, however they said to monitor him and if it goes back up again to take him to the children's ER. I asked my husband if it happened in the middle of the night if he'd want to come and he responded, "I mean... I'd want to... But, I don't know... Let me think." I kind of posed the question because I've been having doubts about his commitment to being a parent. For me it's 24/7 in it up to my eyeballs. For him, he just hangs around the baby on weekend and evenings, doing the occasional diaper change and so on... But rarely holding or cuddling, or playing, or bonding... So his answer sorta rubbed me the wrong way.

I don't think it's wrong that you're upset, but next time I maybe wouldn't even pose the question. If your husband is anything like mine the fact that you framed it as something optional might have thrown him off completely.  Mine would hear the question, assume that I was seeing a reason why he maybe should stay home, and spend the next half hour wondering what the heck he was missing (because it would never have crossed his mind not to come otherwise). If I treat stuff like that as a test, he'll fail every time; better to take it as a given that he'll do the right thing, especially since he's not let me down before.