Wow. Some of your stories don't sound so far off from mine. DH is an only child and I'm honestly not sure why his mother chose to have a child in the first place (though I'm glad she did). We were dating a few months when she started posting on FB about how immature I was and how her son deserved better and was actively looking for new girls for him. Fast forward to our engagement, she was pissed and told him he was ruining his life. I tried to be civil and even invited his parents to our new house for a BBQ. She ended up throwing a tantrum, yelling at everyone, calling me names and screaming that I was a "gold digger" as her husband dragged her to the car. Two weeks before our wedding we recieved pre-nup docs in the mail from his parents. We shredded them. His dad came to our wedding, his mother refused (which is for the best as her tantrums were NOT going to happen on our wedding day and I was prepared to have her removed by the police if necessary). DH has a good relationship with his dad, but mom didn't talk to him for a year after we were married. When we found out we were expecting his dad was happy but his mom said, "I thought that might happen...I have to go." She is so selfish she doesn't want to be a grandma because it reminds her how old she is, and heaven forbid she act her age (she likes to party like she's 21 and she's pushing 60. The sexy maid Halloween costume last year was priceless). Based on past experience, she's not welcome in our child's life. I believe there are some serious emotional disorders that cause her behavior and unless she gets medical help, I don't need that negativity in my family.
I haven't had a chance to read all the fun in law stories posted yet but had to take this opportunity to vent! So, I could find plenty of opportunities to complain about some very serious offenses on my MILs part that have significant impacts on our family BUT I'll keep it fairly light, lol...
Hubby's mother came to visit us this weekend (stayed from the middle of the night Friday and til early afternoon Sunday). I absolutely HATE the perfume she wears. And I'm a perfume lover in general. Well, our whole apartment REAKS of her smell. EVERY freaking room! I can't get rid of it. I lit candles, sprayed febreeze and nothing! It was the first smell that greeted me when I opened our bedroom door this morning. Gross. It is sickening to me. I couldn't open up the doors to air the place out yesterday because it was raining. But hopefully this afternoon it will be dry enough for me to open the windows and doors and air the place out.
Whose scent lingers for hours, no DAYS, after they leave?? Come on this is ridiculous.
@lilwonder That's a really tough one. I guess I'm just confused why she's insisting on having the shower somewhere your SIL isn't from to begin with! Does your MIL not live nearby? Why can't she host it?
Maybe you could have your husband talk to her about it? Have him tell her that you feel really terrible about not volunteering to host it, and then explain that you really just need to take the time to not stress yourself out... especially since you're trying to get past your loss milestone. Have him tell her that the doctor wants you to avoid stress (even if you weren't explicitly told that, there's good evidence to support that stress should be avoided/minimized whenever possible during pregnancy) and that you would love to attend but cannot take on any of the planning.
That's definitely a tough one. I'm sorry to hear you're going through it!
ETA pronoun clarification
**TW**
Me: 35 | H: 40 Married Sept. 2013 DS1: Nov 11, 2016 MMC: 11/16/18 (9w6d) CP: 2/3/19 (5w3d) BFP! 8/24/19 DS2: May 10, 2020
@lilwonder, that sounds uncomfortable. I'm also confused why the shower is going to be by you. Is that where most of the family lives? Where does MIL live? Can she rent a place to host or have it at a girlfriend's house, but still be the official hostess?
A 16w loss must've been devastating, so I totally understand being hesitant to share your pregnancy news now. And wanting to not become too involved in anything baby/shower/etc. for someone else just in case. I think you're right to not want to help plan, but it sounds like subtle isn't currently working with your MIL. You or your DH might have to come right out and say to her that it feels like she's trying to get you to volunteer to help plan/host and you're just not up for the stress of it right now due to the loss milestone and pregnancy exhaustion.
@lilwonder, until you mentioned MIL wanting to impress BIL and BIL/SIL's jealousy towards you guys I was going to suggest a joint shower to honor you both, a month later. But that's drama you don't need, so best to avoid entirely. I hope DH's talk with MIL goes well and it can all quickly blow over.
@lilwonderUgh. That sounds complicated and awful. Sorry you have to deal with that. If this is the same SIL from your first post on this thread I would absolutely never throw that woman a shower. Just tell MIL to host it. It's not as crass as having people who are basically strangers to SIL hosting a shower for her.
If you feel comfortable announcing your pregnancy a little earlier (maybe at 18 or 19 weeks?) I think that's what I would do. Maybe you can talk to your OB and book an 18 week anatomy scan and that might help you to feel okay about it?
@aquasocks - I would totally say, "Thanks for the heads up. It's perfectly safe when done correctly, like how I do it" or something similar. Jesus... I just can't with the MIL's today!
Me: 31, DH: 31 Married: September 2012 Began TTC: September 2015 BFP #1: 10/12/16, EDD: 06/23/15, (pPROM, 16 wks + emergency D&E 12/31/15) BFP #2: 03/09/16, EDD: 11/16/16
@lilwonder I know. I have read your SIL shower predicament and I have no good advice, I think it's crappy that she's trying to drag you into it and I'm sorry you have to deal with it all. I hope you can stay strong and refuse.
Awesome Kid #1: Born September 2013! Awesome Kid #2: Due November 2016!
@lilwonder so my sister lives on the opposite side of the country from us(and rest of extended family). Has your MIL thought about how all the gifts will get to SIL? Just shipping is expensive, it's hard to carry a lot on a plane, and a shower where people mostly open gift cards or notes saying "bathtub/rnp/swing was mailed to your house" would be pretty dull. My sister's only worked out because my parents love to drive, and drove everything to her house a couple months later(and it was a small shower, maybe 15 guests?)
I'm glad this was brought back up this morning. I was going to go digging for it.
My MIL is throwing my SIL (DH's Brother's Wife) a baby shower in July and expecting WAYYY too much out of me. I mean, please tell me if I'm wrong, ladies, but I just can't with this woman.
**TW**
I lost our first baby/pregnancy at 16w on this last New Years Eve-- really tragic experience and both of our families seemed very supportive. BIL and SIL were out here in CA for xmas/NYE, so they were around when we announced to the family on xmas eve, etc. They then returned home to the East coast although BIL and SIL never really called or anything to check in on me (it's fine, that's just how they are and whatever).
Fast forward to the end of February, DH and I get a call and they tell us they're 10.5w pregnant. They tell us their EDD, DH and I do the math in our heads and of course, they conceived the day (I'd like to think not) we lost our baby. Just a little hard to swallow. [Also, there's a lot of icky family history between us-- they're jealous of us for a bunch of reasons, and me getting pregnant first, last fall, just added onto all of that 10 fold. So at this point their pregnancy announcement now feels like they're gloating] The next week we're with them on a family vacation in Maui, lots more rude crap happened, but we're trying to make the best of it, etc. This same week, I get my BFP, DH and I are super excited, of course. We tell our parents right away, but decide that we're not going to tell anyone else until 20w.
2 weeks ago my MIL calls me to say that she's going to have a shower out here for SIL and there are lots of awkward moments of silence during the call. I can tell that she's wanting me to offer to host the shower and it's the LAST thing in the world I want do. She ends the convo saying she's going to put two of her GF's down as the "hosts" (which is SUPER weird because SIL hasn't even met one of them and the other she's met once)-- not to mention that SIL has zero family/friends out here and the people being invited to this shower are all family and friends that I've known for 12 years, vs her not knowing 90% of them. They're all going to come to this shower, buy her gifts and such (because that's what you feel obligated to do), and then find out that the daughter-in-law they all actually know is 20w pregnant and they'll be invited to another shower (for me) just a couple months later. It just seems like the most strange and uncomfortable situation to me-- all totally out of my hands.
#1 I won't be 20 weeks until 3 days before she's wanting to host this shower. So now we're going to be forced to tell grandparents and BIL/SIL when they're out here for her shower-- we're going to look like AW's, right!? I mean I'm already showing and cannot hide it at that shower, for sure.
#2 If something happens to this pregnancy in the next 8 weeks, I 100% will probably not want to be at that shower, let alone host it!
I feel like I'm being a total bitch with all of this and I really just don't know the best way to handle it. DH has told me to tell his Mom flat-out that I have too much to worry about in the next 8w (getting over my loss milestone, etc) and that I'll attend the shower, but it's just not something I can plan/host. I'm the type of person that typically goes to great lengths for everyone, for everything-- this is just so out of character for me. It's also SUPER painful that my MIL won't just lay off of me. Until recently she's done nothing but talk about how "not close" she is with SIL and that she just doesn't understand her and they'll never be as close as she and I are, blah blah blah.
Family drama is just the worst. Sorry for venting and if you made it this far, you get a gold star!
Hugs!!!! I get it. I would ask your H to explain things to her. But I did want to say that I don't think it's too weird that there will be 2 showers close together. The reality is that you're in the same place in your life. (We were at a pig roast on Sat where 7 women were visibly pregnant and I'm betting on some others that are hiding it like me) I don't think people will think it's weird. I think that it might seem that way to you because of your history. I hope she does throw you a great shower when you're ready. I get how pgal brain works. Totally. Sending hugs.
I'm glad this was brought back up this morning. I was going to go digging for it.
My MIL is throwing my SIL (DH's Brother's Wife) a baby shower in July and expecting WAYYY too much out of me. I mean, please tell me if I'm wrong, ladies, but I just can't with this woman.
**TW**
I lost our first baby/pregnancy at 16w on this last New Years Eve-- really tragic experience and both of our families seemed very supportive. BIL and SIL were out here in CA for xmas/NYE, so they were around when we announced to the family on xmas eve, etc. They then returned home to the East coast although BIL and SIL never really called or anything to check in on me (it's fine, that's just how they are and whatever).
Fast forward to the end of February, DH and I get a call and they tell us they're 10.5w pregnant. They tell us their EDD, DH and I do the math in our heads and of course, they conceived the day (I'd like to think not) we lost our baby. Just a little hard to swallow. [Also, there's a lot of icky family history between us-- they're jealous of us for a bunch of reasons, and me getting pregnant first, last fall, just added onto all of that 10 fold. So at this point their pregnancy announcement now feels like they're gloating] The next week we're with them on a family vacation in Maui, lots more rude crap happened, but we're trying to make the best of it, etc. This same week, I get my BFP, DH and I are super excited, of course. We tell our parents right away, but decide that we're not going to tell anyone else until 20w.
2 weeks ago my MIL calls me to say that she's going to have a shower out here for SIL and there are lots of awkward moments of silence during the call. I can tell that she's wanting me to offer to host the shower and it's the LAST thing in the world I want do. She ends the convo saying she's going to put two of her GF's down as the "hosts" (which is SUPER weird because SIL hasn't even met one of them and the other she's met once)-- not to mention that SIL has zero family/friends out here and the people being invited to this shower are all family and friends that I've known for 12 years, vs her not knowing 90% of them. They're all going to come to this shower, buy her gifts and such (because that's what you feel obligated to do), and then find out that the daughter-in-law they all actually know is 20w pregnant and they'll be invited to another shower (for me) just a couple months later. It just seems like the most strange and uncomfortable situation to me-- all totally out of my hands.
#1 I won't be 20 weeks until 3 days before she's wanting to host this shower. So now we're going to be forced to tell grandparents and BIL/SIL when they're out here for her shower-- we're going to look like AW's, right!? I mean I'm already showing and cannot hide it at that shower, for sure.
#2 If something happens to this pregnancy in the next 8 weeks, I 100% will probably not want to be at that shower, let alone host it!
I feel like I'm being a total bitch with all of this and I really just don't know the best way to handle it. DH has told me to tell his Mom flat-out that I have too much to worry about in the next 8w (getting over my loss milestone, etc) and that I'll attend the shower, but it's just not something I can plan/host. I'm the type of person that typically goes to great lengths for everyone, for everything-- this is just so out of character for me. It's also SUPER painful that my MIL won't just lay off of me. Until recently she's done nothing but talk about how "not close" she is with SIL and that she just doesn't understand her and they'll never be as close as she and I are, blah blah blah.
Family drama is just the worst. Sorry for venting and if you made it this far, you get a gold star!
Hugs!!!! I get it. I would ask your H to explain things to her. But I did want to say that I don't think it's too weird that there will be 2 showers close together. The reality is that you're in the same place in your life. (We were at a pig roast on Sat where 7 women were visibly pregnant and I'm betting on some others that are hiding it like me) I don't think people will think it's weird. I think that it might seem that way to you because of your history. I hope she does throw you a great shower when you're ready. I get how pgal brain works. Totally. Sending hugs.
I agree with this. In fact, my SIL and I had bridal showers 3 weekends away apart. It's perfectly normal, other than your SIL sounding ahem bitchy. Lol
@lilwonder Send your MIL my way. I will set her straight since according to MIL I am just an abrasive rude bitch. If I were you I would get DH to tell her that being a host is far too much and that with all of the insecurities a woman who is PGAL has that she should just know that being a host is not a good idea. Maybe offer (if you feel like it) to plan a couple games or be in charge of food. Something that would be a helpful task but its pretty low key (couple veggies and fruit tray and get someone to make cupcakes) or a couple of totally embarrassing baby games. Sounds like SIL deserves it lol make everyone guess her weight!! Lol.
I would also like to reiterate the issue of getting the gifts back across the country. My sister, who lives several states away, sent out a little poem with her registry information for people who wanted to celebrate, but aren't near. It was a little gift-grabby (imo), but it worked for her.
@aquasocksI had to block my MIL on Facebook. So much drama. I wanted sooooo bad to send her a text telling her "congrats Grandma!" (The last thing she ever wants to be) but my mom talked me out of it. I'm giving you the same advice because Mom was right, they don't deserve a response or attention with their passive aggressive crap. Eventually she'll tire of it...hopefully.
@lilwonder, your situation is so tricky! I think you are right in all your feelings. I think it's funny MIL thinks it's crass for HER to host a shower but doesn't see how rude she is for trying to force you to do it, and ultimately asking her friends to. It really should be offered, and who follows Emily Post anymore anyway?!
Everyone's ILs sound insane! I guess mine are pretty tame but my mom makes up for their normalcy with her insanity. Although I do have some qualms.
FIL- super nice, easily awkward.
SFIL- again super nice, easily awkward.
MIL- nice, but ALWAYS telling me that I need to do more research and I need to be more worried about everything and blah blah blah. Basically telling me that because I'm laid back I'm a terrible mom.
SIL- weird. Just so much weirdness. Bought a crib and dropped it off at SO's friends house (we already have a crib that we've been using since DS was 3-4 mo and she doesn't know I'm preggo with #2). Also wanted twins and then when I had DS suddenly decided she's never having kids.
BIL- he looks like a serial killer and gives me serious creeps.
My mom is god awful. Serious control issues. Cut off my car and health insurance because I wasn't doing what she wanted me to do. Didn't bother to tell me either btw, my brother informed me. Doesn't talk to well over half her family. Abused my brother and I although mostly me because my brother was the "good child". Abused my dad when he was dying from cancer. Jumped back into the dating pool less than a month after he died. She's always been an emotional "poor me" wreck. Lives off of disability but only because she's been unemployed for over 20 years and can't be bothered to work like everyone else. Berates everyone including MIL and has told her to never help me out with DS (MIL scoffed at the very idea of not helping thankfully). God I could go on. I cut her off for good a few weeks before we found out we were pregnant again.
Yep, my mom is definitely the crazy one out of the group. Very selfish and in constant need of attention. Emotionally manipulative. Somehow she is able to hide this from people outside of the family (and some inside) so my sister and I end up looking like ungrateful assholes (her dream). She had cancer a few years ago, which was honestly the best thing that could have happened to her because now she's a "victim" and a "survivor" and every shitty thing she does (that she's always been doing) is somehow excused. And if I ever said that to anyone, obviously I'd be the asshole.
On the flip side, my MIL can occasionally be annoying but she's actually wonderful. My stepmom is perfect. My dad and stepdad are great but sometimes awkward. Overall I think I come out on top with a nice support system.
Need opinion on my mother in law . So we moved this past weekend into a house we just bought . We didn't hire movers because we are trying to save money . My mother in law was out of town for the weekend so we couldn't take her to dinner that day . We called her and wished her a happy Mother's Day over the phone . Anyways , she gets back into town yesterday and comes over and sees that all of our stuff is still in boxes . This morning she calls my husband and asks him what we did for my mom for Mother's Day and asked why we didn't have her present for her waiting for her arrival back home . I haven't even unpacked my underwear . We were legitimately planning on giving her a surprise this week but figured it didn't matter what day as she wasn't even here for Mother's Day . Now she's throwing a god damn fit . What good is a gift that is forced ?
**BFP and loss warning**
Me: 29
DH: 29
Us: Married Valentine's Day, 2015
DH: No issues.
Me: PCOS, unexplained infertility (whatever that means!!)
June 2015 Medicated TI cycle: BFN
July 2015: Medicated TI cycle: BFN
August 2015: IUI: BFP. Chemical pregnancy
October 2015: IUI: BFN
January 2016: Egg retrieval: 10 frozen embryos!
March 2016: FET Cycle- 2 embryos transferred!: BFP !
@mskeenan give her a very impersonal, obviously forced gift. Like a fruit basket. If she makes a comment, tell her what you were going to do but then you realized how upset she was so you just had to order the first thing you saw from proflowers.com. (IMO- nothing says "fuck you" like a medium arrangement from pro flowers)
@mskeenan don't spend ur money on pro flowers.com - that's too nice of a gift (last time I spent eighty bucks there on a medium arrangement). Get her a ten dollar box of chocolates from cvs
Lol @whaat and @knottie145841669 so I'm not overreacting ? My husband brought over (without me ) grocery store flowers , a card and a slice of cheesecake . She was really awful to him so he told her that he doesn't want to talk to her for a long time . There's more shit going on in addition to this . Ugh . Why do in laws have to be so mean
**BFP and loss warning**
Me: 29
DH: 29
Us: Married Valentine's Day, 2015
DH: No issues.
Me: PCOS, unexplained infertility (whatever that means!!)
June 2015 Medicated TI cycle: BFN
July 2015: Medicated TI cycle: BFN
August 2015: IUI: BFP. Chemical pregnancy
October 2015: IUI: BFN
January 2016: Egg retrieval: 10 frozen embryos!
March 2016: FET Cycle- 2 embryos transferred!: BFP !
My MIL is the queen of passive-aggressive. We did not go over on Mother's Day because she told us not to---husband was out with his dad, I was with my dad and stepmom, and nobody wanted to drive two hours to have something at my SILs. So then she calls to wish ME a happy Mother's Day and she's like 'I was fine, I spent my day at the Holocaust film festival...' Ummmm, okay. But you told us not to come, so...yeah. Hope you enjoyed your movie?
Lol @whaat and @knottie145841669 so I'm not overreacting ? My husband brought over (without me ) grocery store flowers , a card and a slice of cheesecake . She was really awful to him so he told her that he doesn't want to talk to her for a long time . There's more shit going on in addition to this . Ugh . Why do in laws have to be so mean
Not overreacting at all! She sounds difficult for sure.
So my IL's are actually usually the rational ones. My parents are the ones who are BSC.
BUT. As I've mentioned, we are moving to the west coast this summer. Mostly moving for H's job, but also it will allow us to be closer to H's family (they have a larger family, more tightly knit, typically less crazy than my family, etc.). Real estate is pricey there, so his parents offered to let us live with them while we look for a place. Anyway, we Skyped with them the other night and his Dad came out with this announcement that he was planning on us only staying three months. He also managed to sneak it into the conversation that they would not be able to help us with a down payment for a home should we decide to buy.
Now, I have zero expectation that anyone will ever help me with finances ever. I'm an adult and all that and I'm responsible for me. BUT, both of the above - the temporary living and help with a down payment - were more or less offered to us when we were talking about moving. And so it's been a huge shock to have that offer all of a sudden rescinded, and I'm angry because I feel lied to.
I don't particularly want to live with them that long, and I would prefer not to ask for their help with a down payment because I hate owing money to family, but to have that safety net ripped out from under us is a bit of a shock, especially because I don't have a job yet.
H's mom has since tried to reassure us that they're not going to kick us out, and that we're welcome to stay indefinitely, but man, I'm feeling a whole lot more anxious about the move now.
@sweetlyuntied I'm so sorry that got thrown at you. It sucks not being able to buy right away, but since it's a new area maybe you could rent somewhere for six month or so (after you've stayed with family a bit) to get to know the area better. I don't know what city you'll be in but I've found that it's hard to get to know an area without experiencing it. And from the cities I've live in on the west coast, a few miles can make a huge difference in your living experience.
So my IL's are actually usually the rational ones. My parents are the ones who are BSC.
BUT. As I've mentioned, we are moving to the west coast this summer. Mostly moving for H's job, but also it will allow us to be closer to H's family (they have a larger family, more tightly knit, typically less crazy than my family, etc.). Real estate is pricey there, so his parents offered to let us live with them while we look for a place. Anyway, we Skyped with them the other night and his Dad came out with this announcement that he was planning on us only staying three months. He also managed to sneak it into the conversation that they would not be able to help us with a down payment for a home should we decide to buy.
Now, I have zero expectation that anyone will ever help me with finances ever. I'm an adult and all that and I'm responsible for me. BUT, both of the above - the temporary living and help with a down payment - were more or less offered to us when we were talking about moving. And so it's been a huge shock to have that offer all of a sudden rescinded, and I'm angry because I feel lied to.
I don't particularly want to live with them that long, and I would prefer not to ask for their help with a down payment because I hate owing money to family, but to have that safety net ripped out from under us is a bit of a shock, especially because I don't have a job yet.
H's mom has since tried to reassure us that they're not going to kick us out, and that we're welcome to stay indefinitely, but man, I'm feeling a whole lot more anxious about the move now.
I am by no means defending him or his words, and it really sucks that it all got thrown at you now, but maybe he was just trying to set boundaries and let you know what they/he would prefer. You know, trying to be clear upfront so that this type of disappointment doesn't happen down the road when it might be even more awkward/upsetting. He might've also felt like he needed to say something just to 'cover his bases' in defense to other family members. I'm not sure if your IL's have that type of drama, but I know my dad's family does. I don't know, but I really hope it all works out for you and everyone else. Moving is stressful enough without extra drama. Good luck!
@PurpleBrunette I think you're right - H and I had a long conversation about it. When I think back on it his Mom was the one making a lot of these promises, and maybe he just wanted to regain some territory. Also his 23-year-old sister still lives with them in something of a permanent mooch status and I think he's a little afraid because of that. But I'm also kind of sad because he knows us, and knows we're not like that.
H is one of four, but in terms of sibling jealousy I doubt it. Out of all of them, his parents have given us the least over the years, largely because we live on the other side of the country. But again, it might explain his Dad being cautious. They have given the other three so much that they might be afraid of what we'll ask for/expect. I know that they're in a worse place financially because of what they have given away. By again, we're just not like that.
I don't know. I guess I get it. I just was scared because it was so the opposite of what we had been told. And also because I have major sticker shock right now (renting and buying) and tend towards anxiety in general.
Yep, my mom is definitely the crazy one out of the group. Very selfish and in constant need of attention. Emotionally manipulative. Somehow she is able to hide this from people outside of the family (and some inside) so my sister and I end up looking like ungrateful assholes (her dream). She had cancer a few years ago, which was honestly the best thing that could have happened to her because now she's a "victim" and a "survivor" and every shitty thing she does (that she's always been doing) is somehow excused. And if I ever said that to anyone, obviously I'd be the asshole.
On the flip side, my MIL can occasionally be annoying but she's actually wonderful. My stepmom is perfect. My dad and stepdad are great but sometimes awkward. Overall I think I come out on top with a nice support system.
I'm so glad someone gets it but also so sorry! It's not a relationship I'd wish upon anyone. My mom is also really good at playing victim and had my MIL convinced that I was really evil for a long time. Thankfully one day she turned on MIL and MIL finally understood why I feel the way I do. I really believe she has some type of narcissistic personality disorder.
I'm so sorry she got cancer and even sorrier that she uses it to her advantage. My dad died from brain cancer almost 4 years ago. Seeing people take it lightly infuriates me since he was our rock and such a good person.
We're the ungrateful kids dontcha know?
And again I totally feel the same way about the support system. SO's huge family would go to bat for me and for the most part they're all wonderful people.
So mad at my MIL right now. Mrs. Negative asked how I was feeling last night, and when my husband said I was okay, just very tired at night, she came back with 'well, I just hope you are treating her properly.'
This was followed by a rehash of all the things she thinks my husband did not do properly with his ex, a reminder that babies can stress a marriage and this will affect his health and finances, and a parting shot that if he doesn't 'clean up his act' dire things will happen.
Husband has worked so hard to grow and improve as a person. He took parenting classes after his divorce. He has learned coping skills and has truly built a strong and happy marriage with me. All he needs in his life is a happy home and a little positivity. There is nothing to be gained by needling him about his past mistakes. All it does is make him feel sad and insecure.
I know I can't make her stop saying this stuff. But I wish he could learn how to set better boundaries with her. I suggested he say 'well, that is inappropriate' and hang up the phone as soon as she starts in with that. He says it's not that simple, then asked me what I do when my mother talks to me that way. Um, she doesn't? Because it would be totally inappropriate?
Re: Stories of in-laws driving us mad/crazy/angry...
DH is an only child and I'm honestly not sure why his mother chose to have a child in the first place (though I'm glad she did). We were dating a few months when she started posting on FB about how immature I was and how her son deserved better and was actively looking for new girls for him. Fast forward to our engagement, she was pissed and told him he was ruining his life. I tried to be civil and even invited his parents to our new house for a BBQ. She ended up throwing a tantrum, yelling at everyone, calling me names and screaming that I was a "gold digger" as her husband dragged her to the car.
Two weeks before our wedding we recieved pre-nup docs in the mail from his parents. We shredded them. His dad came to our wedding, his mother refused (which is for the best as her tantrums were NOT going to happen on our wedding day and I was prepared to have her removed by the police if necessary). DH has a good relationship with his dad, but mom didn't talk to him for a year after we were married. When we found out we were expecting his dad was happy but his mom said, "I thought that might happen...I have to go." She is so selfish she doesn't want to be a grandma because it reminds her how old she is, and heaven forbid she act her age (she likes to party like she's 21 and she's pushing 60. The sexy maid Halloween costume last year was priceless). Based on past experience, she's not welcome in our child's life. I believe there are some serious emotional disorders that cause her behavior and unless she gets medical help, I don't need that negativity in my family.
I haven't had a chance to read all the fun in law stories posted yet but had to take this opportunity to vent! So, I could find plenty of opportunities to complain about some very serious offenses on my MILs part that have significant impacts on our family BUT I'll keep it fairly light, lol...
Hubby's mother came to visit us this weekend (stayed from the middle of the night Friday and til early afternoon Sunday). I absolutely HATE the perfume she wears. And I'm a perfume lover in general. Well, our whole apartment REAKS of her smell. EVERY freaking room! I can't get rid of it. I lit candles, sprayed febreeze and nothing! It was the first smell that greeted me when I opened our bedroom door this morning. Gross. It is sickening to me. I couldn't open up the doors to air the place out yesterday because it was raining. But hopefully this afternoon it will be dry enough for me to open the windows and doors and air the place out.
Whose scent lingers for hours, no DAYS, after they leave?? Come on this is ridiculous.
*end rant*
Married: September 2012
Began TTC: September 2015
BFP #1: 10/12/16, EDD: 06/23/15,
(pPROM, 16 wks + emergency D&E 12/31/15)
BFP #2: 03/09/16, EDD: 11/16/16
Maybe you could have your husband talk to her about it? Have him tell her that you feel really terrible about not volunteering to host it, and then explain that you really just need to take the time to not stress yourself out... especially since you're trying to get past your loss milestone. Have him tell her that the doctor wants you to avoid stress (even if you weren't explicitly told that, there's good evidence to support that stress should be avoided/minimized whenever possible during pregnancy) and that you would love to attend but cannot take on any of the planning.
That's definitely a tough one. I'm sorry to hear you're going through it!
ETA pronoun clarification
Married Sept. 2013
DS1: Nov 11, 2016
MMC: 11/16/18 (9w6d)
CP: 2/3/19 (5w3d)
BFP! 8/24/19
DS2: May 10, 2020
Married: September 2012
Began TTC: September 2015
BFP #1: 10/12/16, EDD: 06/23/15,
(pPROM, 16 wks + emergency D&E 12/31/15)
BFP #2: 03/09/16, EDD: 11/16/16
A 16w loss must've been devastating, so I totally understand being hesitant to share your pregnancy news now. And wanting to not become too involved in anything baby/shower/etc. for someone else just in case. I think you're right to not want to help plan, but it sounds like subtle isn't currently working with your MIL. You or your DH might have to come right out and say to her that it feels like she's trying to get you to volunteer to help plan/host and you're just not up for the stress of it right now due to the loss milestone and pregnancy exhaustion.
Married: September 2012
Began TTC: September 2015
BFP #1: 10/12/16, EDD: 06/23/15,
(pPROM, 16 wks + emergency D&E 12/31/15)
BFP #2: 03/09/16, EDD: 11/16/16
If you feel comfortable announcing your pregnancy a little earlier (maybe at 18 or 19 weeks?) I think that's what I would do. Maybe you can talk to your OB and book an 18 week anatomy scan and that might help you to feel okay about it?
edited to add the tag
Married: September 2012
Began TTC: September 2015
BFP #1: 10/12/16, EDD: 06/23/15,
(pPROM, 16 wks + emergency D&E 12/31/15)
BFP #2: 03/09/16, EDD: 11/16/16
Awesome Kid #2: Due November 2016!
Married: September 2012
Began TTC: September 2015
BFP #1: 10/12/16, EDD: 06/23/15,
(pPROM, 16 wks + emergency D&E 12/31/15)
BFP #2: 03/09/16, EDD: 11/16/16
Awesome Kid #2: Due November 2016!
Awesome Kid #2: Due November 2016!
Send your MIL my way. I will set her straight since according to MIL I am just an abrasive rude bitch.
If I were you I would get DH to tell her that being a host is far too much and that with all of the insecurities a woman who is PGAL has that she should just know that being a host is not a good idea. Maybe offer (if you feel like it) to plan a couple games or be in charge of food. Something that would be a helpful task but its pretty low key (couple veggies and fruit tray and get someone to make cupcakes) or a couple of totally embarrassing baby games. Sounds like SIL deserves it lol make everyone guess her weight!! Lol.
Married: September 2012
Began TTC: September 2015
BFP #1: 10/12/16, EDD: 06/23/15,
(pPROM, 16 wks + emergency D&E 12/31/15)
BFP #2: 03/09/16, EDD: 11/16/16
@lilwonder, your situation is so tricky! I think you are right in all your feelings. I think it's funny MIL thinks it's crass for HER to host a shower but doesn't see how rude she is for trying to force you to do it, and ultimately asking her friends to. It really should be offered, and who follows Emily Post anymore anyway?!
FIL- super nice, easily awkward.
SFIL- again super nice, easily awkward.
MIL- nice, but ALWAYS telling me that I need to do more research and I need to be more worried about everything and blah blah blah. Basically telling me that because I'm laid back I'm a terrible mom.
SIL- weird. Just so much weirdness. Bought a crib and dropped it off at SO's friends house (we already have a crib that we've been using since DS was 3-4 mo and she doesn't know I'm preggo with #2). Also wanted twins and then when I had DS suddenly decided she's never having kids.
BIL- he looks like a serial killer and gives me serious creeps.
My mom is god awful. Serious control issues. Cut off my car and health insurance because I wasn't doing what she wanted me to do. Didn't bother to tell me either btw, my brother informed me. Doesn't talk to well over half her family. Abused my brother and I although mostly me because my brother was the "good child". Abused my dad when he was dying from cancer. Jumped back into the dating pool less than a month after he died. She's always been an emotional "poor me" wreck. Lives off of disability but only because she's been unemployed for over 20 years and can't be bothered to work like everyone else. Berates everyone including MIL and has told her to never help me out with DS (MIL scoffed at the very idea of not helping thankfully). God I could go on. I cut her off for good a few weeks before we found out we were pregnant again.
And if I ever said that to anyone, obviously I'd be the asshole.
I read this article the other day and cried the whole time because I totally get it. This is basically my mom: https://jezebel.com/this-mothers-day-im-learning-to-get-free-of-my-mom-1775219003
On the flip side, my MIL can occasionally be annoying but she's actually wonderful. My stepmom is perfect. My dad and stepdad are great but sometimes awkward. Overall I think I come out on top with a nice support system.
**BFP and loss warning**
(IMO- nothing says "fuck you" like a medium arrangement from pro flowers)
**BFP and loss warning**
BUT. As I've mentioned, we are moving to the west coast this summer. Mostly moving for H's job, but also it will allow us to be closer to H's family (they have a larger family, more tightly knit, typically less crazy than my family, etc.). Real estate is pricey there, so his parents offered to let us live with them while we look for a place. Anyway, we Skyped with them the other night and his Dad came out with this announcement that he was planning on us only staying three months. He also managed to sneak it into the conversation that they would
not be able to help us with a down payment for a home should we decide to buy.
Now, I have zero expectation that anyone will ever help me with finances ever. I'm an adult and all that and I'm responsible for me. BUT, both of the above - the temporary living and help with a down payment - were more or less offered to us when we were talking about moving. And so it's been a huge shock to have that offer all of a sudden rescinded, and I'm angry because I feel lied to.
I don't particularly want to live with them that long, and I would prefer not to ask for their help with a down payment because I hate owing money to family, but to have that safety net ripped out from under us is a bit of a shock, especially because I don't have a job yet.
H's mom has since tried to reassure us that they're not going to kick us out, and that we're welcome to stay indefinitely, but man, I'm feeling a whole lot more anxious about the move now.
H is one of four, but in terms of sibling jealousy I doubt it. Out of all of them, his parents have given us the least over the years, largely because we live on the other side of the country. But again, it might explain his Dad being cautious. They have given the other three so much that they might be afraid of what we'll ask for/expect. I know that they're in a worse place financially because of what they have given away. By again, we're just not like that.
I don't know. I guess I get it. I just was scared because it was so the opposite of what we had been told. And also because I have major sticker shock right now (renting and buying) and tend towards anxiety in general.
I'm so sorry she got cancer and even sorrier that she uses it to her advantage. My dad died from brain cancer almost 4 years ago. Seeing people take it lightly infuriates me since he was our rock and such a good person.
We're the ungrateful kids dontcha know?
And again I totally feel the same way about the support system. SO's huge family would go to bat for me and for the most part they're all wonderful people.
This was followed by a rehash of all the things she thinks my husband did not do properly with his ex, a reminder that babies can stress a marriage and this will affect his health and finances, and a parting shot that if he doesn't 'clean up his act' dire things will happen.
Husband has worked so hard to grow and improve as a person. He took parenting classes after his divorce. He has learned coping skills and has truly built a strong and happy marriage with me. All he needs in his life is a happy home and a little positivity. There is nothing to be gained by needling him about his past mistakes. All it does is make him feel sad and insecure.
I know I can't make her stop saying this stuff. But I wish he could learn how to set better boundaries with her. I suggested he say 'well, that is inappropriate' and hang up the phone as soon as she starts in with that. He says it's not that simple, then asked me what I do when my mother talks to me that way. Um, she doesn't? Because it would be totally inappropriate?