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Porn: honest opinions

lpinion13lpinion13 member
in May 2016 Moms
So I get it.  Even though I am extremely uncomfortable with it my boyfriend watches porn and I know that 95 percent of males do also. I'm about 8 months pregnant and my boyfriend and I barely have sex.  I used to get really upset about it but I have Finally gotten used to his excuse which was that it freaked him out that his baby was so close.  After telling him there was no issue with sex during pregnancy and arguing about it for months I gave up and realized that he was going to watch porn instead of have sex with me.  BUT I just found out he has been going on Web cams, live chatting with women and basically being able to get off by interacting with them.  How many of you would be comfortable with this?  I most certainly am not and I feel like I have been cheated on.  I'm devastated.  Thoughts, opinions,  advice please! 
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Re: Porn: honest opinions

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  • tgortneytgortney member
    I would probably be devastated too, to be completely honest. I wouldn't say he's cheating on you. But directly interacting with other women in that way (even though paid) is devasting to me.

    Adult movies, I'm fine with. No direct contact there. 

    Have you confronted him? What did he say?


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  • lpinion13lpinion13 member
    I don't know what the hell to do  because all he does is get defensive!  I'm self conscious as it is and being huge and pregnant doesn't help. And He wonders why I think he's not sexually attracted to me. I'm not ok with this how do I get him to stop or at least listen to what I have to say about it without saying "is a guy thing,  it's natural". No its not.  I'm so lost right now
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  • lpinion13lpinion13 member
    I saw it as he was looking through his phone and I asked what it was.  He said I didn't type that it just came up in the search bar.  No that stuff doesn't just come up.  I got upset and went to my room because I knew he would just blow up and get defensive.  He hasn't tried to even come to talk to me.  He knows I hate that kind of stuff.  
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  • TheThornBirdTheThornBird member
    lpinion13 said:
    I don't know what the hell to do  because all he does is get defensive!  I'm self conscious as it is and being huge and pregnant doesn't help. And He wonders why I think he's not sexually attracted to me. I'm not ok with this how do I get him to stop or at least listen to what I have to say about it without saying "is a guy thing,  it's natural". No its not.  I'm so lost right now
    Would he be open to counseling? Or could you go on your own? I know it'll be tough to do with a LO, but it can help. 

    Also, check out chumplady.com (I read it quite a bit when I was in a previous relationship). Lots of good information on how to set your boundaries and enforce them. 
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  • lpinion13lpinion13 member
    I actually do go to counseling right now,  he hasn't gone with me but I don't know if he wolf in going to have to try to convince him.  And thank you for the site I will be checking it out for sure.  
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  • lpinion13lpinion13 member
    I just needed to know im n not overreacting or crazy.  I feel cheated on.  I feel like I will never have any confidence with him because of this.  
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  • js8812js8812 member
    lpinion13 said:
    I just needed to know im n not overreacting or crazy.  I feel cheated on.  I feel like I will never have any confidence with him because of this.  
    Not overreacting at all!  I would probably lose my shit, to be honest. 
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  • cgg0707cgg0707 member
    My husband watches porn from time to time and I am ok with that. It doesn't bother me and we are open about it (meaning we talk about it and is not kept a secret). From time to time, I watch porn myself. I think the issue here is to be aware as a couple of what is deemed to be ok and not ok in your relationship. Every relationship is different and both of you need to be ok with what each other does. If you're not ok with any of it, then you need to make that known and explain to him why it makes you uncomfortable. 

    I certainly would not be ok with MH having an actual sex interaction with another person, even if it is over the computer. I know you're angry, but try talking to him and maybe understanding his reasoning for it. Perhaps, you can then come to a resolution of what you both find acceptable and unacceptable. Remind him that your state is temporary and in no time, you will be your old self! And then you can resume all the sexy time!!  ;)
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  • VS2016VS2016 member
    @lpinion13 so sorry you are going through this! I agree with PP.  If he is using a web cam and actually interacting with others that is cheating in my book.  Even if he isn't comfortable being intimate with you he has no right to go elsewhere. 
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  • CharissadeatsCharissadeats member
    edited April 2016
    You've received some great advice. I just want to add that people can get through stuff like this, but you need to be firm and tell him what you are comfortable with, and what you are not. He should respect the boundries you've set him, and it goed both ways. Open communication is key, no matter what you guys decide to do with it.

    Good luck!!
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  • lpinion13lpinion13 member
    Thank you all so much!  I appreciate all of your thoughts and advice ♡
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  • LovingLife!LovingLife! member
    Pornography is highly addictive. The research is there to prove that it alters the brain. What can start as "innocent" voyeurism and casual porn watching can escalate into many other more damaging things, usually ending in seeking out sexual partners outside of your relationship. He has been cheating on you. You need to have a real conversation about what he is doing. He has to know how harmful it is. There are groups that can help, Sexaholics Anonymous, etc. There are also support groups for those hurt by porn addicts. I'm so sorry you're going through this! Sending you lots of love and strength. 
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  • erikalee1876erikalee1876 member
    I mean id b ok with him watching the porn its whatever like a guy thing but interacting and stuff like thats wayyy over board and a no no!
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  • AdorkablePixieAdorkablePixie member

    I agree with others. I would try to talk to him. To me, he must feel guilty otherwise he wouldn't be getting so defensive. He knows he has done something wrong that he should not be doing.

    I would be fine with watching porn, but interaction. Just.. no. Interaction of any kind is cheating in my mind. Emotional cheating is just as bad as physical cheating as far as I am concerned. It is not "natural" it is not a "guy thing". My DH isn't even into porn. If he did watch it though, as long as it wasn't like an all day or every day thing, I'd be fine with it.

    I hope that you two are able to calmly talk about it and get things worked out.

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  • rlworzallarlworzalla member
    I'll only echo what PP's have said, but it looks like there needs to be a conversation between the two of you.  Set ground rules before you talk - for the BOTH of you to follow - no yelling, no leaving the room, or whatever you choose, until you have a solid conversation.  My DH used to very rarely watch porn, but it increased as my belly got bigger and I desired less and less to have sex.  Though I wish he wouldn't, I understand that he desires that kind of 'release' and I'd rather it be a porn video that I know about than something/someone else.  The moment your boyfriend began the live chatting was when the line was crossed and cheating occurred.  I am sorry you're going through this right now, especially when your hormones are in overdrive.  I hope you find some resolution. 
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  • itsbrookejonesitsbrookejones member
    No way. Nope. Even porn itself. I have offered to watch it with him, if that's what he wants to do, but he knows how I feel about it. Nope. 
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  • kitandcatkitandcat member
    Absolutely would not be okay with this. 
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  • Nicbert1214Nicbert1214 member
    Ugh I'm so sorry you are going through this! It would be bad enough on it's own if you weren't pregnant. Your boyfriend sounds like a pretty selfish person- pretty much trying to use the pregnancy as an excuse so he can do what he wants to do for his own pleasure. Porn is one thing- I know my husband watches it every once in a while- but he doesn't expect me to do what they do and he doesn't choose watching it over me. As for webcams, he is interacting with actual people- to me, that's cheating and it's real shitty of him to do that to you in general, especially at this stage in your pregnancy.

    I can't really say what I would do if I were in your shoes at this point, because I don't know if I would be able to handle the stress of talking about it with him. I've been cheated on in past relationships and the denial and aggression I would be subjected to when discussing the issue I just don't think I would be able to handle if I were pregnant. I think I would probably want to be nowhere near him and go stay with a family member until after LO was born if that was an option. In the meantime I would  try to focus on other things, work, getting stuff ready for LO, family, etc. Good luck!
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  • MercielMerciel member
    I assume that was a joke.

    Most camgirls don't make a lot. ;)
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  • thismakes4thismakes4 member
    I agree a lot with what PP have said. But just wanted to add, don't expect it to end/stop the moment you bring it up. If he has an addiction, like any addiction, it will be hard to break and may take more time to solve than you wish.
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  • dshannahdshannah member
    edited April 2016
    kami09 said:
    dshannah said:

    It's not cheating, but it's something he should tell you about (if only for budgeting purposes!).
    Wait. For real?! If DH told me we needed to budget for THAT, I'd tell him to go fall on a knife.
    Well, it's worse to be secretive about porn and money than just about porn, right? The money always affects both partners, after all...

    @Merciel Mostly joking, but I've heard of some really high-end cam folk! And I've been told that the ones who interact more charge more. Also, based on the TV discussion in the Random thread, people seem to budget for Netflix.  DH and I do: we've got a line item in our budget for $7.99/month.  Most cam girls and porn services charge at least that, right?
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