First time seeing nosy/insensitive in-laws since MMC

nmd9168 · April 2016

So, this Friday I am going to my in-laws for the first time since my MMC on March 31st. They are....different. (to put it nicely) They are very abrasive and very nosy. They aren't really concerned about the feelings of others. I am afraid of going there. My mother in law called me after it happened and was asking me all of the details about it (very personal ones) only a day after it happened. It was really really hard and she would not stop prying. She had bought me a bunch of baby stuff very early on in the pregnancy and kept insisting that I "better keep it and give it to the next baby". I have actually had to hide the stuff because every time I look at it, I get really depressed and cry. Anyway, what I'm trying to figure out, because I know they will most definitely want to talk about it and bring it up (even DH's grandma is that way, and she will be there too), how do I avoid these upsetting conversations? I have SO much anxiety about this and I cannot stop worrying about horrible this will be. They are the type of people that if I tell them, or ask them to please stop talking about it, they will argue with me and give me a bunch of crap for not discussing it or, like when my grandma passed away, they will keep bringing it up even though we just discussed not talking about the subject. I'm so scared. Sorry but I need to vent, and can't necessarily discuss it with my DH.

AandDM2014 · April 2016

Oh boy. This is a tough spot to be in. I'm sorry that you have to deal with nosy people after such a terrible experience. Do your in-laws really not understand privacy at all? Personally, if it were me and they were making me uncomfortable, I would just walk away. Just leave the room, and don't go back until they can behave themselves. It may seem a bit rude, but they are being horribly rude by bringing it up if you've asked them nicely to not talk about it. Hopefully it goes better than you think it will!

moosette113 · April 2016

First of all, I'm very sorry for your loss. I found myself in a similar situation with my inlaws following my MMC and D&C. When we first called and told them about the MMC, my MIL went into a very clinical mode (both she and FIL are medical professionals) asking lots of questions, including all the testing she thought we should be going through, and questioning why we had even decided to get pregnant in the first place. I was worried that our first time visiting we would be subject to the same thing and I just wasn't up for talking about it at all. I was fully ready to tell them the subject wasn't up for discussion and even had an exit strategy planned. I ended up stressing out unnecessarily, as the only thing they asked was how I was holding up, and said they were sorry that we had to go through such a thing. I was legitimately caught off guard that she behaved in an appropriate manner.

This isn't to say your inlaws will behave in the same manner- I totally get the dread. I know you said this isn't something you want to necessarily discuss with your DH, but I honestly believe he should be the one to talk to his parents if they bring it up during your visit. I would have a conversation with your DH about how you're both feeling going into this visit, because you need to be on the same page. I'm all for sticking up for yourself, but in this instance, your inlaws will need to see that their line of questioning not only hurts you, but impacts their son as well. He needs to have your back going into this and be prepared to tell his parents that the only appropriate conversation on the matter from them (if it's even brought up at all) is that of support. And if they don't listen, both of you should consider leaving. Your job right now isn't to pacify other people, it's to heal. I hope that Friday goes as smoothly as possible!

BrightenMySky · April 2016

I hope you're preparing for the worst but end up with the best, kind of like @moosette113's experience. I am so sorry they have not been sensitive so far, though. I agree that having a way to get space for yourself is a good idea, if you can. Please vent here all you need, but this also sounds like something that your DH should be stepping in about. Yes, he's grieving, too, but this is his family and you are not even 2 weeks post-surgery. He needs to cut off these conversations and be ok with you leaving early (or leaving w/you, if it's not logistically possible for you to just go).

Also, solidarity. We are traveling to our nephew's christening tomorrow and will be with my DH's family all weekend. I really do not know what to expect. I have avoided my own religious rituals since my loss as I'm pretty sure I will start bawling, but I don't know if the baptism will have the same effect (I'm not Christian). I am imagining politely declining to hold the baby. My DH's step-mom always means well but says very odd things and reacts poorly to being told she has inadvertently hurt someone with her words, so who knows. Not everyone who will be there knows about our loss, but I think I need the ones who do to at least acknowledge it and ask how I'm doing. I have already told DH that I will go back to our hotel myself if I need some time to myself, which he is ok with. I go back and forth between feeling incredibly anxious and powerless/resigned.

Aera11 · April 2016

I am so sorry for your loss @nmd9168. I have trouble with my in-laws too and can relate to some level. Does DH know how you feel about them in this situation? He needs to go to bat for you in this situation with them. It will be hard enough 'seeing' them or anyone right now, let alone talking about it if you don't want to. You should have a game plan going in and make sure you're on the same page. My DH and I had to have a lot of tough talks about his family over the years and I want to be sensitive to the fact that these are his parents, but, I am his wife and we need to be a united front. If your MC comes up, he should be the one to say that you guys do not feel like discussing it. Hopefully it goes ok! Good luck

Spartanrd4 · April 2016

My in-laws live in Germany and we usually skype with them every weekend- but after the miscarriage I couldn't face them for weeks, not because they were not supportive but I just didn't feel comfortable. The language barrier also doesn't help either. I just felt so bad because I found out about the miscarriage a couple days after we told them we were pregnant and they were just so happy and excited, I felt like a big disappointment. I hope whatever DH told them during that period made them understand. I hope everything goes better than expected for you @nmd9168

nmd9168 · April 2016

@Aera11 The crazy thing is, it seems like his sisters and mom wait until my DH is out of the room to say their rude stuff to me. It makes me crazy because when they decide to be that way, DH is conveniently out of the room. Ugh. But that's a different thing in itself.

nmd9168 · April 2016

I tried talking to my DH about my anxiety and he said I'm worrying for nothing. I asked him if he could help me out if the subject comes up and he says it won't. Thanks a pantload, Chet. I feel so much better about the situation now. (Also, isn't it so darn frustrating when you have a worry that you feel is legitimate and people make you feel like you're crazy for even thinking that way? I just wanna SCREAM) I feel even worse now. He's going to go outside with his dad most of the time, and I'm going to be stuck inside with my MIL, his grandma and SIL's. OMG I feel like not going, but I'd never hear the end of it because it's his Mom's birthday.

BrightenMySky · April 2016

I am sorry. I hope you can do something nice for yourself before/after/both. Hugs. Very frustrating.

moosette113 · April 2016

@nmd9168 I'm so sorry DH isn't being more understanding. I personally don't think I would go, but I definitely understand family obligations and never hearing the end of it if you pass on this event. If they don't back off when you tell them something to the effect of "I am mourning the loss of our child and I am still not emotionally prepared to talk about it yet", I would probably go sit outside with your DH. I agree with @BrightenMySky that you should do something nice for yourself after today, even if it goes well and they don't ask any prying questions.

BrightenMySky · April 2016

Two ideas: 1. Any chance you can spend most of the time with your DH outside w/his dad?
2. Can you head them off at all? Like when everyone is exchanging pleasantries and you're supposed to say something like "I'm doing alright" in response to "how are you," you say "I'm pretty shitty since our child died a few weeks ago, but I don't want to talk about it further with you today."

ETA: I had been meaning to also respond that of course how you're feeling is valid despite what your DH says (sounds like you know that, just wanted to say it, though).

Aera11 · April 2016

I'm with @BrightenMySky, can you hang outside with them or maybe get everyone to hang out as a group since it is your MIL's bday? Also, heading it off could be a good idea right when you get there. That way you're together when it's addressed and hopefully they'll respect how you feel after you tell them. Good luck @nmd9168, I'll be thinking of you!

nmd9168 · April 2016

So, things went better than expected. I was asked a couple of things, and I said I didn't want to really talk about it, so no one talked to me at all. lol We left early. Oh well.

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